Just One of the Guys
by SorceressCirce
Summary: Scarred by events in her past, Bella relies heavily on her best friend and roommate, Jasper. When Jasper falls in love with a girl named Alice, Bella is excited for him but can’t help but wonder – where will she fit in? Canon pairings, AH/AU, OOC
1. Meeting Alice

**A/N:** Much as I wish it were otherwise, I don't own Twilight nor its characters.

This is my first fanfiction ever, and I'm really enjoying writing it. Hopefully you'll enjoy reading it as well :)

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**BPOV**

The mouthwatering fragrance of coriander and paprika filled the kitchen as the chicken bubbled gently in the sauté pan. I turned down the heat, allowing it to simmer slowly as Jasper wandered into the room, fresh out of the shower. His hair was still damp, and he brought with him the aroma of cedar with a hint of grapefruit from his shower gel.

Glancing over my shoulder at him, I couldn't help but giggle at the ridiculous grin on his face. He had talked of nothing but this night for the last several days. It was cute, really, how excited he was for me to meet his girlfriend.

I knew how much he must like this Alice girl. He usually didn't bother to bring them home, though I met them out somewhere eventually. Jasper and I had moved in together just before our freshman year in college, and he'd brought home exactly two girls in the five years since then. Alice would be the third, yet I'd never seen him act quite like this…

He was actually singing in the shower, humming silly songs as he…cleaned. Yes, he cleaned. What the fuck?

Shaking my head with a grin, I teased, "So what time are you picking her up, lover boy?"

He hopped up on the counter, plucking a slice of chicken from the pan and bouncing it from palm to palm to cool it.

"In about ten minutes." Again, that goofy grin.

"And what does she think of you living with a girl?" I arched my eyebrow and glanced at him as he popped the chicken into his mouth and closed his eyes, moaning softly. "Glad you approve," I grinned.

"She's not worried about that, Bells. She gets it. Besides, she knows she's the only girl I'm interested in…" He trailed off, a little dazed, silly look on his face.

"Must be some girl," I said, slightly disbelieving. "I don't know many who would say they're okay with their boyfriend living with another girl and actually mean it."

"I'm telling you…she's different. She's so smart and funny and kind and energetic and exuberant and beautiful and…perfect," his voice was barely a whisper by the end.

I smiled at him, but the protective side of me couldn't help but wonder. "And you've ascertained this in…what, three weeks?" I said as kindly as I could.

I turned on the back burner and reached into one of the lower cabinets for my double boiler, filling it with water before dumping the chocolate I'd already chopped for the dessert inside. I set it on the stove and returned my attention to Jasper to see that he was gazing ahead with a thoughtful look.

"I know how it sounds, Bella. Believe me, I do. But…this is me. When have I ever said anything like this before?" He gave a soft smile. "It's just…right. It is. And I know it's too soon, and I know you think I can't know her and that she'll break my heart, but…not her. She wouldn't. I don't think she could. She's in this just as deep as I am. I can just _feel_ how much she loves me."

I stared at him for a moment, a bit stunned by his declaration. He was right – he never had talked this way about anyone…ever. Even Maria, the girl he dated for two years in college. All he ever said about her was that she was fun and they "had a good time together". We had both always known that relationship was going nowhere.

I thought for a moment and then smiled softly. "Then I can't wait to meet her, Jazz…truthfully. I want to see this girl who's turned my best friend into such a sap." I winked at him as I stirred the chocolate, watching it melt.

We stood for a few minutes in comfortable silence while I finished preparing the icing for the brownies that were currently in the oven. Once I stirred in the powdered sugar and vanilla, Jasper – nasty bastard that he is – stuck his finger right in the middle of it for a taste. I smacked the back of his hand with the wooden spoon I was holding, making an even bigger mess.

"Ouch, Izzy, that hurt!" He pouted.

I arched an eyebrow and said, "I'm so sorry, _Casper_," pulling out the nickname he'd hated in elementary school. "Seriously, are you trying to force me to poison your dinner?"

Grinning, he said, "Sorry, Bells. Honestly, thank you for cooking. I want to make a good impression, and you know I'm hopeless in the kitchen." His eyes crinkled at the corners as he gave me the smile I never could resist – his truly happy smile.

"No problem, Jazz. I'd be cooking for your sorry ass, anyway." I winked again and leaned back against the counter. "This way, I get to learn about your new lady love as well." I really was curious about her. He'd been dating her for the past three weeks, and during that time, he'd been so busy and totally preoccupied that we hadn't really had too much time to talk.

I glanced at the clock above the stove and gave him a playful shove on the shoulder. "You better get going…don't want to be late for your big date."

He hopped down off the counter and ran his fingers through his messy blonde hair, now nearly dry. He tickled my ribs as he went by me, making me twist and squirm as I stirred the chicken. When I heard the front door close, I poured the basmati rice into a pot on the stove, set the timer, and headed off to my room to get ready.

I pulled my hair up into a clip and started the shower before wandering into my room to lay out my clothes. I picked one of my favorite shirts – a black long-sleeved Rage Against the Machine T-shirt that Jasper bought me at Coachella a couple of years ago – decided that my current jeans were still in good shape, and tossed both along with fresh underwear onto my bed.

Humming to myself, I quickly stripped and hopped into the shower, reveling in the steaming hot water relaxing my muscles. There really is nothing like a hot shower. Unfortunately, I knew I didn't have much time before the rice burned, so I quickly washed, still taking time to enjoy the soothing effects of my freesia-scented body wash and strawberry shampoo.

Once my personal grooming was complete, and I was dressed once more, I went back into the kitchen where the rice was just reaching perfection. I finished seasoning it, setting it to the side as I dished up the chicken and pulled the brownies from the oven. I popped the naan I had already formed into the warmed oven, watching as it puffed and browned.

With all the cooking complete, I transferred everything to serving dishes and carried it into the dining room. I pulled out Jasper's favorite bamboo placemats and set the table, placing a simple arrangement of orchids in the center surrounded by the food. It was way more than we normally did, but I wanted to help out my best friend as much as possible.

I couldn't resist sampling another piece of chicken and smiled to myself at the spicy flavor. Hopefully Alice would like it – it was Jasper's favorite. Just as I finished up, I heard the front door open and wandered out into the living room to get my first glimpse of Alice.

"So I finally meet the infamous Alice," I grinned, stepping forward as I took in the slight figure standing at the door while Jasper helped her out of her coat. I barely had time to note the way her inky black hair stood up from her scalp in all directions before she suddenly bounded forward and enveloped me in a hug.

Eyes widening, I froze for a second before giving a small smile and returning the hug. _Exuberant_ was right. I glanced at Jasper to see he was smiling at us while Alice proclaimed, "I'm so happy to meet you, Bella! I just know we're going to be great friends!"

My eyebrows climbed further up my forehead, threatening to escape into my hairline. I didn't have girl friends. Period. Jasper laughed quietly as Alice let me go and stepped back, studying me at arms' length with a critical eye.

"Is it laundry day?" she asked.

I had to laugh, and Jasper did too. Alice looked at us curiously for a minute and then joined in tentatively with a confused expression.

"Ah, no," Jasper answered, smiling as he leaned down to kiss Alice's forehead. His eyes closed briefly, and I found myself touched by the simple gesture. It was somehow intimate without being uncomfortable. They looked…_right_. "Bella likes…casual." He grinned at me, his blue eyes twinkling.

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him like a three year old - mostly because he was right. I did like casual. Casual was…comfortable. Safe. I had to dress up for work, and I was always slightly ill-at-ease, wishing for the comfort of my favorite jeans. I lived for casual Fridays.

I shrugged and said, "So, are you guys ready for dinner?"

"Oooh, I'm starving!" Alice said, bouncing up to the balls of her feet.

Watching her enthusiasm almost put me in mind of an overexcited puppy, but there was something so…sincere about her. I didn't get that fake vibe off of her that put me off from most women. This exuberance was just…who she was. I could respect that.

I was beginning to approve. Cautiously.

I led the way into the dining room, pleased when Alice inhaled deeply and proclaimed the smell "yummy". I grinned and watched as Jasper held out her seat for her, sliding it back in like the good gentleman his mama had raised. Even though Jazz left Texas in second grade, Mama Hale was Southern through-and-through, and she made sure both Jasper and his twin Rosalie had impeccable manners.

As we were serving ourselves and settling in to dinner, I resolved to find out everything I could about Alice. She was obviously important to Jasper, and since Jasper was important to me…I suppose that meant Alice was important to me.

I grinned at the heaping servings Alice put on her place. Evidently her size didn't indicate her appetite. Clearing my throat, I said, "So, Alice, Jasper tells me you have a degree in fashion design?"

I blinked as Alice smiled radiantly and launched into a long-winded explanation of fashion that seemed to involve a lot of…god, I don't even know what. I heard some fabrics in there, and maybe an article of clothing or two, but I hope the rest of it was about different designers with foreign names – otherwise, my grasp of the English language was severely failing me as she spoke at warp speed.

She paused here and there to take a bite of her food, raving about the chicken and declaring the naan "heavenly." She asked what type of chicken it was, and when I responded, "Chicken tiki masala," she tilted her head with the same confused expression I'm sure I wore when she filled the rest of the conversation with chatter about clothes and designers.

I chuckled. "Jasper said you liked Asian food and spicy food, so I thought I'd try a little Indian." I shrugged, she beamed at Jasper, and then she picked up right where she left off in the fashion lecture.

_Note to self: avoid fashion conversations with Alice._ Though the obvious passion she had for it was cute…it reminded me of my obsession with books, and I realized I probably had that sort of dazed look on my face that Jasper always gets when I ramble about my latest find.

When she finally paused to take a break, I quickly changed the subject, "So if you already have a fashion degree, what are you studying at U Dub?" _Please, please, please, let it be something intelligible._

The gods were kind, as Alice replied, "Marketing. I want to create my own clothing line eventually."

_Impressive_. She had goals…that was great to know. "Wow, that's awesome, Alice! How much longer do you have on your marketing degree?"

"A few semesters…" she shrugged. "I'm not really rushing it. I kind of like life right now." She grinned at Jasper as she spoke, and then they both looked down and blushed lightly.

Wow.

That was new…Jasper never blushes. Ever.

We fell into comfortable conversation after that, eating our dinner and learning about each other. I could tell that Jasper had been…sketchy on the details of my life to Alice because she asked me tons of questions about where I grew up, what I liked, what I hated…as we spoke, I grew to appreciate how Alice's energy perfectly balanced Jasper's calm, relaxed nature and vice versa. In a cheesy moment likely inspired by the Asian-themed bamboo placemats, I was reminded of the yin yang concept, constantly in flux but ever reacting to and bolstering each other. It was refreshing, but I couldn't help but feel a little disconcerted when I realized that they really were _perfect_ together. If this was "it" for Jasper…where would I fit in?

_Selfish!_ The angel on my shoulder chided. _Shut up, little goodie bitch! This is our Jasper!_ The devil answered. I frowned and pushed them both to the side.

It was when she asked how Jasper and I met that I could feel the twinkle in my eyes and the smirk that curled my lips. Jasper groaned.

Alice leaned toward me with a conspiratorial smile, sensing that she was about to learn something about Jasper that he would rather she didn't know.

Jasper tried to cut me off. "When Rose and I were in second grade, my dad was transferred to Washington from Texas to run a new branch of the bank. I met Bella not long after we moved here."

I arched an eyebrow at him and shook my head. No way would he get off that easily.

"So…here I am, in second grade. I'm out on the playground one day when I see Tyler Crowley and this new kid with messy blonde hair. They're standing off to the side, arguing about something, and Tyler keeps pointing at the monkey bars, where some girls are playing. Now, Tyler was never up to any good, so I watched to see what was going on…"

I rolled my eyes. "Then I see this dumbass follow Tyler over. They stand beneath the monkey bars and watch as the girls cross, looking up their skirts!"

Alice interrupted, giggling. "Ohmygod! My boyfriend was an upskirt guy at, like, seven years old?!"

Jasper scowled and said, "It wasn't like that! She's not telling it right." He turned slightly in his chair, facing Alice and looking at her earnestly. "See, I'd just moved, and I didn't know anyone yet…I was kinda desperate to make friends. So this kid comes up to me on the playground and starts talking to me. He told me we should go look up the girls' skirts, and I just sort of went along with it. I remember standing there, wondering what in the world I was supposed to be looking at, when all of a sudden this furious little girl in braids and overalls comes flying over, decks Tyler, and before I could figure out what was going on, I was lying on the ground with blood pouring over my chin!"

"And, by the way, Bella," he smirked, turning his attention to me, "I could see up their skirts much better once I was sprawled out beneath them."

I couldn't help but laugh at Jasper's expression and the memory. Alice, who hadn't stopped giggling since the upskirt comment, broke into full-blown laughter now, and even Jasper joined in with a slight blush.

We talked a bit about growing up together, sharing stories of us and Rosalie and a lot of the sillier things we'd done. Alice was focused on our stories, turning the conversation back to us whenever it slipped onto her family and friends. I think she was eager to find out all she could since she knew Jasper couldn't stop me from telling her whatever I wanted to…and I knew a _lot_.

When the conversation lingered on high school, I grew uncomfortable. I felt my stomach tighten, and I bit my lip, one arm crossing my torso to hug my other elbow. _Not now…please don't make me think about _him_ right now…_

But of _fucking_ course, Alice picked up on it, and with concern in her voice, she asked, "Bella? Why don't you like to talk about high school?"

I mumbled something about my parents' divorce and moving to Arizona briefly with my mom. I told her it didn't work out, and I shifted my gaze away from Jasper's sympathetic eyes.

_Blue eyes. Heels. Hate. Pain. Rage. Hurt._

Squeezing my eyes shut, I willed myself to avoid the true memories – the flashes were bad enough - pulling myself back into the present to hear Alice's quiet reply.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to bring up anything painful…it must've been hard to lose your mom that way."

I just nodded, not bothering to correct her mistaken assumption that I was upset because I'd had to move away from my mom.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Alice said, "So tell me more about Rosalie…are you close to her too?"

I smiled briefly at Alice in thanks and then launched myself back into the conversation with perhaps a touch too much enthusiasm. I explained that while I loved Rosalie, and we were like sisters in many ways, we weren't as close. Jasper and I just…got each other. It was harder with Rose.

Alice nodded and said she understood what I meant, and then she effortlessly carried the conversation onto lighter topics, and with her unspoken concern and caring for me, I realized that I loved her too. A little bit. But I thought it would grow into more. Maybe she would deserve Jasper after all.

We finished dinner and enjoyed our dessert. Alice moaned in pleasure at the brownies, and I grinned in response. When Alice yawned delicately and blinked slowly, Jasper smiled down at her and stood, offering her his hand as he helped her out of her chair.

We said our goodbyes, and this time I was prepared for Alice's hug. I stood in the doorway, waving to them as they got into the car. After watching them pull away, I went back inside, locking the door and the deadbolt before leaning my forehead against the cool wood.

_Why can't I ever have a day when I don't think of…?_ But I didn't want to finish that sentence, even in my thoughts. I lightly beat my forehead against the door over and over before pushing myself back with a sigh and going to get ready for bed.

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**JPOV **

I was singing along with the radio as I drove home, grinning as I reminisced about my night with Bella and Alice. They had gotten along extremely well, which was a huge relief. They were the two most important people in my life, and well…Bella tended to be a little…unreasonable where girls were concerned sometimes. She obviously liked Alice, though, and Alice…well…Alice…

Grinning stupidly, my thoughts became tangled in the wonderful, delicious mess that was Alice. Mmm…

When I pulled up at home, I could see that every light in the apartment was on.

_Shit_.

I sighed.

I really hated it when Bella had nights like this. I felt so…helpless. I'd do anything to keep the nightmares away. And I mean fucking _anything_. But there was nothing I _could_ do. All I could do was hold her when they were over.

My eyes tightened as I got out of the car and walked slowly toward the door, feeling like a man at his own funeral. We never used the deadbolt, but I knew it would be locked tonight, so I unlocked it first, sighing again when I heard the tumblers moving. Unlocking the door, I went inside, shrugging out of my coat and tossing it on the couch.

I went into the kitchen to wait, grabbing a beer and sitting on the counter with my head hanging down. I knew better than to try to wake her or to go in too early. Past experience and a few scars from scratches had taught me that much.

I blinked back tears when I heard the whimpering start. It grew louder, and I hopped down off the counter, beer forgotten, as I heard the screaming. Steeling myself, I walked down the short hallway to her room, opening the door to see her curled into a ball on the bed, sheets tangled, hands fisted into her hair with her eyes clenched shut. The glaring light from the overhead and two lamps cast her agonized face in excruciating detail.

I approached the bed slowly, speaking in a soothing voice loud enough to be heard. "Bella, sweetheart, it's okay…you're okay. He's gone, Bella…he can't hurt you again. I'm here…" I continued to try to calm her as I lowered myself onto the bed, pulling her into my arms. Slowly, so agonizingly slowly, she began to relax, her screams subsiding to sobs and then whimpers. I stroked her hair, whispering to her when the screaming stopped.

Finally, she opened her eyes and peered up at me, and I gave her a tight smile, kissing her forehead. She threw her arms around me and started sobbing again, but it was alright, now. She was awake, where that fucking asshole couldn't touch her again.


	2. Overgrown Barbie Dolls

**A/N: ** Sadly, I do not own the characters, but sometimes I think they own me.

Thank you to those of you who have read and reviewed this story! I'm glad you've enjoyed what you've read so far. I love reviews – they definitely make me write faster!

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**BPOV**

"Come on, Bella!" Even Alice's whine was a melodic trill. "You _have_ to come with me to the spa! I'll get you a facial and a manicure – even a pedicure! And a chemical peel wouldn't hurt either…what are girl friends for?"

I glanced up from my monitor and stared at her blankly, trying to form a response when Jasper snorted at my expression. Somehow I didn't think _Hell no_ would suffice, so I was thankful when he interceded. "Alice, honey, Bella isn't really into girls..."

He trailed off as Alice's eyes flew wide open, and her tiny hand covered the shocked 'o' of her mouth. A blush crept up her cheeks, and when she spoke, it was with the speed of a hummingbird's wings. "NononoIdidntmeanitlikethatjustfriendsImeanIlikeJaspernotno"

"Alice," I firmly interrupted, my amusement breaking through with a smirk. "Jasper knows what you mean. He's just trying to explain that I typically prefer the company of guys." I shrugged.

I watched as Alice's brow furrowed, and she even tilted her head to the side like I was a damn puzzle to be solved. I hated that look – the one that always stirred up the residual thirteen-year-old-girl-angst that made me wonder if I was normal, whatever the fuck that was. I sighed and returned my eyes to the screen, refusing to give in to the self-doubt that I didn't often feel...any more. _And this is why I don't have girl friends_, I thought with a sarcastic grin as I refocused on my game.

"What are you playing, anyway?" she finally asked when I didn't look back up from the screen.

"WoW," I answered.

"Wow?" she asked, confused.

I sighed, "World of Warcraft…this is the one Jasper and I play together, remember?"

"Oh, that one…the one Jasper had to go play Wednesday night, leaving me all alone," she pouted.

"That's the one," I said, unmoved.

The office sank back into silence, so I figured Alice and Jasper had slunk away to do whatever it is they occupied their time with. Alice had become something of a fixture in our apartment in the last couple of weeks. Normally, I enjoyed having her around, but occasionally she would decide that I needed to be more girly, and then things got…annoying. Really fucking quickly.

Shaking my head, I reread the quest text on my screen and pointed my character in the right direction. Suddenly, I felt something tug at the elastic band wrapped around the sloppy bun at the back of my head. Incredulously, I turned to see Alice running her fingers through my now-free hair, muttering to herself about colors and highlights and textures.

I spun around in my chair, wincing when several of the tangled strands stayed wrapped around Alice's fingers. "What the _hell_ are you doing?!"

Jasper was watching with his eyebrows raised and a grin on his face that was really going to cost him later.

"You have such pretty hair, Bella," Alice cooed as she returned to finger-combing through it. "You really should wear it down more often. Oooh, and I know _just_ the color shirt that would look great against your skin!"

I shot Jasper a _look_, wondering if she was being serious. He just grinned in response, letting me know quickly that he wasn't coming to my rescue this time. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I really did like Alice. She was good for Jasper. I repeated it several times to myself, my new personal mantra to get me through these next few minutes.

"Look, Alice." _I really do like Alice._ "I…prefer…hanging out with my guy friends most of the time, mostly because they like the same things I do." _She's good for Jasper_. "They don't dress me up." _I really do like Alice_. "They don't make me shop or get facials or try on fifty different outfits before we go out." _She's good for Jasper_. "It's not that I have any aversion to you as a friend…of course not." _I really do like Alice_. "I just don't really have a lot in common with girls." I trailed off and bit my lip, an ancient pang of anguish taking my breath away as I silently added to myself, _Plus, girls are mean._

What an emo drama queen I am. Fuck.

Annoyed more with myself than with Alice, I immediately felt guilty and sighed. "Look, why don't we start out…smaller? Maybe a movie with Jasper?"

I looked up at Jasper's head over Alice's shoulder to see a warm smile. He liked that I was trying, though he would never have asked me to. _She really better deserve him._

Alice's little pixie nose wrinkled for a moment as she considered my words like a used car salesman considering a low-ball offer. "Okay," she concluded, "but I get to pick out your outfit!"

My eyes widened again as I looked at Jasper for support. "That seems reasonable," the traitor answered.

I stared at him in disbelief as I took in his expression, a mirror of hers. Pouty lips, downcast faces, big eyes staring up at me through their lashes. Jasper had gone over to the dark side. I knew I was done for. I could never resist Jasper when he begged. Toss in the pixie who looked like she'd lost her best friend, and it wasn't even close.

I sighed dramatically and growled, "Fine!"

A storm of silky fabric, ivory elbows, and a light jasmine fragrance suddenly assaulted my head along with a high-pitched squealing. It took me a moment to realize Alice had flung herself at me and was hugging me furiously. Releasing me, she bounced on the balls of her feet and clapped her hands like a toddler with a new toy.

"Hold on there, Tink," I said, torn between amusement and terror. "I said I'd go…and you can dress me like some fucking overgrown Barbie doll. But I've got a few ground rules for you."

At once, Alice grew serious, her tiny face taking on a shrewd expression. "Ground rules?" she said flatly.

"No skirts or dresses, no heels, and no makeup."

Just the mention of skirts and heels had me wincing internally. _Rough hands. Pain. Anger. Helplessness. Desperation. Blue eyes. Blood. Loss. _ I wrenched myself back before the real memories could surface, leading my breathing to accelerate and tip me off to Jasper. I didn't want to have that conversation. Again.

I couldn't allow myself to think about _him_.

I wanted to kick myself. Instead, I turned my attention back to Alice.

Again, Alice's eyes were shrewd as she considered my offer. There was a slight pout to the set of her lips before she finally made her counteroffer. "How about no skirts or dresses, no heels, and you can wear your hair however you like?"

I felt my eyes bugging out as I realized that she really planned to go all out. No way would I let her touch my hair. "Definitely those…but no makeup either." I grinned, and it only felt a little bit forced.

"Bel-la!" She made my name two distinct, annoyed syllables, stamping her foot. "You didn't mention the hair before, so if you aren't going to let me do your makeup, then I get to do your hair. That wasn't in your ground rules."

I blinked.

"You're quite the little rules lawyer, aren't you?"

She rolled her eyes at me.

Why did this matter so much to her anyway? Frowning, I tilted my head and studied the determined gleam in her gray eyes. Finally, I decided I would have to concede something…I knew I didn't want to spend the evening with hair pins and who knows what else digging into my scalp. And donning heels and a skirt would send me into full blown panic mode, so…resolved, I tried again.

"Fine…how about no dresses or skirts, no heels, nothing pink or pastel, _I _do my hair, and I'll wear mascara and lip gloss?"

She pursed her lips, considering. A dazzling smile lit up her face, and she bounded toward me with her petite hand outstretched. "Deal!"

She giggled as I shook her hand doubtfully. "Yay!! Come on, let's get started!" She tugged on my arm, trying to get me to stand.

"Wait a second - we can't go tonight," I told her.

Alice frowned, "Why not? Sunday's perfect for a movie!"

"Maybe so," I answered, "but Jazz and I have a raid in…" I glanced at the clock on the wall. "Thirty minutes, so there's no way we can go tonight."

Furrowing her brow, Alice said, "That game? But can't you just…not go?"

I laughed. "Hardly, Alice. I'm leading tonight. Plus I'd leave them without a main tank. Now, Jasper's pretty much worthless, so feel free to take him." I grinned up at Jazz, arching an eyebrow at his grumpy expression when I called him worthless. He was very proud of his rogue prowess.

"Leading? Tank?" Alice blinked in confusion.

"Never mind, Alice," Jasper stepped in. "Bella just means that a lot of our friends are counting on us to be there, so we really shouldn't back out." He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, causing a goofy grin to spread on her face as she went up on her toes. Even stretched up, she was several inches too short to reach his face, so Jasper bent his head and kissed her gently. I bit back a smile, still annoyed. I really did like seeing him so happy - it had been a long time.

Alice interrupted my internal seething by proclaiming brightly, "Oh, that's even better actually! We'll go Friday, and I'll bring Edward!"

I scowled up at Jasper, and this time it was _my_ voice that was flat. "Edward?"

"Edward - my brother! I guess I haven't mentioned him…oh, you'll just love him! He's smart and funny and handsome and sweet."

"Alice, I don't date." I left it at that. _This_, at least, was not negotiable. I prepared myself for a fight.

To my surprise, Alice trilled a giggle. "Oh, don't worry. Edward doesn't either."

Smart, funny, handsome, sweet, and he doesn't date? _Sounds like me_, I couldn't help thinking wryly with a snort. Yes, I fucking snorted.

Jasper raised his eyebrows at me, a look of amusement on his face. I swear…he always knows what I'm thinking.

Shaking my head at Jasper, I directed my question to Alice. "He doesn't date?"

She grinned and shook her head before growing more thoughtful. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before she began. "He's…well…he's sort of…umm…asexual?"

I tilted my head slightly to the right, unsure what she meant or how to respond to it. "What do you mean? Is he gay?"

"No, no…well, at least, he says he's not," Alice shrugged her slender shoulders. She wandered over to Jasper's desk and flopped gracefully into his chair, folding one leg under her and pulling the other up. She wrapped her arms around her leg and propped her chin on her knee.

"I don't understand, Alice. What do you mean?" I turned my chair so I was facing her, pulling one of my legs up and mirroring her pose.

Alice exhaled in an almost-sigh. "He had a girlfriend in high school. They were pretty serious – my mom and dad were even worried that they were going to get married or something, and he wouldn't go to college. He was way too smart for that, but my parents worry too much." She shrugged again, tiny creases appearing on her brow as she thought. "When they were seniors, Tanya umm…ended things. Quickly and sort of brutally." She bit her bottom lip before deciding that is all she would say.

"Anyway, after that, he didn't date again. He went to U Dub, and I kept waiting for him to bring someone home. Every time I talked to him, though, he said there was no one he was interested in. After awhile, I started wondering…you know…if he was gay. When I brought it up, he laughed at me. I told him that I would always love him, no matter what, and he just kissed the top of my head, said 'Thanks', and that was that."

"So I don't _think_ he's gay, but I do know that he's just…not interested. In anyone. I hope that he's just waiting until he finishes med school to look, but I worry sometimes." Alice trailed off, frowning at the floor as she bit her lip. At once, she glanced up again, and her familiar grin was in place. "Regardless, that's for me to worry about. All you need to know is that _you_ don't have to worry. Edward will be a perfect gentleman, and it won't be a date."

I studied Alice for a moment. She was tiny, but there was a quiet perfection about her features despite her crazy spiked black hair. Her eyes were the most beautiful, unusual shade of gray, almost silver. Her chin and cheekbones were delicate, and the height of those cheekbones truly made her look like a fairy at times. I wondered idly if her brother shared any of these features. I would think it would look strange on a guy.

"So is your brother as short as you?" I blurted without thinking, cursing myself internally. Why would that matter, anyway?

Alice looked confused. "Umm…no, he's like 6' 2"?" She glanced at Jasper curiously. He shrugged in response.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. I don't know why I was suddenly wondering what Alice's brother looked like. It didn't matter, anyway. I didn't date, and he was asexual, maybe gay. Still…better be safe.

"Okay, here's the deal. I'll go, and it's fine if you invite Edward, but you and Jazz will sit in the middle. I'll sit beside Jasper, and your brother can sit on the other side beside you."

Alice's eyes widened. "Bella, that is sooo not necessary! I told you - asexual. How weird will that look, anyway? People will think you're on a date with Jasper, and I'm on a date with my _brother_!" She shuddered at the thought. Delicately.

"It'll just have to look weird, Tink. We all know the truth, so it shouldn't matter what some random people in a movie theater think. That's the deal – take it or leave it," I arched my eyebrow at her in challenge. At worst, she would have to agree. At best, I'd get out of the damn outing altogether.

She rolled her eyes again. "Fine, but I think you're being ridiculous. How am I going to explain this little 'condition' to Edward?"

I shrugged. "That's your problem. Of course, you could just insist that he sit by you, and then I'll quietly go sit by Jazz."

I glanced at the clock again. "Fifteen minutes 'til start time, Hale." I turned back to my computer, putting on my headphones and ending the conversation – at least as far as my involvement. I went to pandora and started up my favorite raiding soundtrack, my Freak on a Leash station.

As the dulcet tones of "Eaten Up Inside" filled my ears, I started sending out invites. _Guess I missed out on my dailies today. Stupid little pixie._

I saw Jasper log on and realized Alice must have gone home. I hadn't heard him come back in the office. I started to send him a tell giving him shit about making me go out on Friday – and having Alice's single brother there as well – but decided not to get into it right now.

Then I sighed, realizing that going out on Friday meant that I'd have to get someone else to lead the heroic 10-man that night. Might as well get that over with. I checked signups on our website before asking one of our guys to cover it.

[Raid] [Coriandar]: Hey guys, I can't be there this Friday, so I need one of you who signed up to lead the raid. Spirit, you up for it?

[Raid] [Spiritwolfe]: Sure, Cori – no problem. Everything okay?

[Raid] [Coriandar]: Yeah, just found out today that I have to be somewhere. Nothing big.

I watched as the predictable comments began pouring over the line, simply because a girl happened to say the word "big". I swear they are all twelve.

I rolled my eyes and pushed away from the desk, going to grab a drink before the raid. I couldn't stop the silly, indulgent smile that spread across my face. I really did like our guys. Even their immaturity was endearing.

I grabbed two Modelos and a couple of lime slices, sticking one in the top of each bottle. Heading back into the office, I started to put one on Jasper's desk when I noticed he was turning red and trying not to laugh. _I know that look._ I narrowed my eyes and took both beers to my desk, slipping on my headphones.

I logged on to our voice server, and as soon as the robotic voice announced my presence, I was greeted with real catcalls, whistles, and endless versions of the same question about my "hot date" for Friday. I pressed my push-to-talk button and said, "You're a fucking dead man, Hale."

"That's _hot_."

"Shit, I wouldn't mind being Hale right now!"

"Guess we know he's stiff."

"He's fucking a dead man?"

"Eww, Cori, that's necrophilia!" One of our few girls said that one, naturally.

I barely heard the jokes pouring through my headphones. I didn't listen. I didn't care. I looked over my shoulder to see Jasper with his eyes wide, the amused smirk gone from his face. Staring into his eyes, I lifted one beer to my lips and took a deep pull before lifting the other and doing the same. I smacked my lips and turned around, putting both beers back on my desk.

"You look thirsty, Jazz. Maybe you should get yourself something to drink."

I smiled to myself and settled in for a long night of staring at the computer screen – one of my favorite places to be.


	3. Nachos and Margaritas

**A/N:** I don't own the characters. I just have some fun with them.

This chapter is a little bit longer, but there was nowhere good to cut it. **Lemon Warning:** This chapter ends with a bit of lemony goodness. Jasper refused to let me cut it shorter – blame him.

----------

**BPOV**

Just after midnight, I sighed, taking my headphones off and stretching my arms over my head. It had been a long night full of wipes and tempers flaring. Sunday nights were always that way – that was when we tackled new content.

Rubbing my eyes, I turned slowly in my desk chair to look at Jasper. He had been awfully quiet tonight, probably knowing not to provoke me.

I took in his wary, sheepish expression as he watched me, and I had to fight not to laugh at him. He looked like a little boy just waiting for his mom to yell about the broken lamp. Not ready to forgive him quite yet, I pushed myself out of my chair and brushed past him on my way out of the office, heading into the kitchen.

I opened the refrigerator, leaning down as I tried to figure out what to fix for a snack. I was just settling on a few strawberries and some yogurt when Jasper came in. I turned around, leaning back against the counter as I took the lid off my yogurt and licked it before throwing it in the trash. I didn't speak, letting him squirm for a couple minutes more.

Finally, he opened his mouth. "Bella, I'm sor…"

My temper suddenly flared, and I cut him off. "You're sorry? What, exactly, are you sorry for, huh? Hanging me out to dry with Alice? Subjecting me to relentless teasing about the one thing you know I can't stand to talk about? Jasper, _I'm_ sorry, but I'm not about to turn myself into some fucking Barbie doll just to help you get laid!"

To my surprise, instead of becoming sympathetic and apologizing again – or yelling back at me, his two most common reactions, Jasper…blushed…and looked down at the floor.

I frowned at him in confusion, picking up a strawberry and popping it into my mouth.

And then I choked on it.

"Oh. My. God! Jasper!" I sputtered, trying to clear my throat.

He finally looked up at me, a sheepish grin on his blushing face.

"When? Where? Why didn't you tell me?!" I demanded, grabbing his wrist and pulling him to the couch.

I flopped down on the couch, facing him sitting Indian style. I pulled one of the throw pillows onto my lap, leaning forward as I waited for his answer. I watched him play with the drawstring of his flannel pants, his eyes carefully trained on the floor.

After a couple of minutes of silence, I said softly, "Jazz?"

He sighed, blinking, and looked at me finally, a small smile on his face. "I didn't know how to tell you, Bells…"

I arched an eyebrow at him. "Oh, really? 'Bella, I slept with Alice' wouldn't suffice?" I grinned at him.

"It's not like that…" He trailed off, looking back at the floor.

"You _didn't_ sleep with her?" Now I was confused. What did he mean?

"Jazz, you two have been dating for a little over a month now. This is actually…_slow_…for you." I took his hand, trying to understand this reluctance. Was he sorry he'd done it?

Jasper wasn't exactly a man-whore, but he wasn't known for his restraint, either. I'd been waiting for a couple of weeks now to find him in the kitchen making margaritas and asking me to make our celebratory nachos. It was immature and silly, but we always…umm…_commemorated_…his conquests that way. We'd make our snack, and then we'd spend the night talking. Jasper would fill me in on the basics, avoiding the really detail-y details, and then as we kept drinking, we'd usually laugh together about something. Like the girl who meowed during sex. Yes, meowed.

After a couple more minutes of silence, I took his hand and said gently, "Jasper? What's wrong?"

He finally looked up at me, a slow, soft smile spreading on his lips. "Oh, nothing's _wrong_, Bella…everything is…perfect. I just…well, I…" He furrowed his brow, looking toward the silent TV and searching for the words. I'd never seen him struggle so hard to say something. "Bella, I didn't want you to get…get the wrong impression. She's…she's, well, she's…different," he finished lamely.

I smiled at him, waiting until he looked me in the eye. "Jasper, of _course_ she's different. I know that. You seriously don't think I wouldn't realize that, do you? How long have I known you?" I asked rhetorically, but he answered anyway, his words coming fast and furiously now.

"Sixteen years. I know you know me. And I know I should've known that you would have figured this out. I mean, you're not stupid, and you're not blind, and Alice is all but living here, or I'm there, so yeah, of course you'd know. But I'm just…just so…gah…" He stopped, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Jazz, just spit it out, man," I said with a hint of amusement in my voice. He really was cute when he struggled for words.

A goofy smile lit up his face as he breathed, "I am _so_ in love, Bella."

It took me a moment to restart my heart, having never thought I'd hear those words from my best friend's lips. As I took in his expression, moony-eyed and grinning from ear to ear, I had to laugh. But it was a soft, happy laugh, almost disbelieving, rather than one of pure amusement.

"Wow…Jasper Whitlock Hale…I never thought I'd see _you_ so smitten."

"I'm beyond smitten, Bella. She's…god, she's so unbelievable," he sighed and collapsed against the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling with the exact same smile as a twelve-year-old girl giddy over the Jonas Brothers.

I bit my bottom lip and grinned at him, my heart melting a little bit as I read the love and absolute adoration on his face. She was definitely one lucky girl.

Then I thought of something. "Now, wait a minute. So somehow – in your twisted brain – you think that banging some skank deserves celebratory nachos, but you _falling in love_ doesn't? What the hell is wrong with you?" I teased him.

"No, it's not that, Bells…I just didn't…didn't want you to think that…well, that she was just some 'skank,' as you so eloquently put it. I guess I was…afraid…that you'd misunderstand."

"You really ought to give me more credit, you know," I frowned at him but then dropped it. "Now are you going to get your ass in there and make the margaritas, or do I have to? Because we both know what happens when I make them."

"God, no! I don't think I could take tequila with a hint of lime tonight," he smirked at me as he pushed himself off the couch, holding out his hand to help me up.

We wandered into the kitchen together, chatting comfortably about the raid and some of the dumber things our guys had done. It was an unspoken thing that we wouldn't talk about his news until we were settled on the couch and ready.

"Seriously, how the fuck can you not tell you're standing in fire? And he's on comms saying, 'Hey guys, why can't I see anything?' I mean…your screen is covered in fucking flames! Moron." I shook my head, disgusted with Freda, one of our less-than-stellar priests.

Jasper laughed and performed a dead-on impression of Freda's character turning back and forth one step at a time. I snorted and reached into the bottom drawer in the refrigerator, pulling out a package of ground beef. I turned on a burner on the stove and set out a pan, then reached back in the fridge to gather the rest of our ingredients while Jasper set up the blender.

After awhile, our WoW talk slowed just as the nachos were ready, so I fixed each of us a plate, and we carried them to the couch. Jasper handed me a glass caked in salt and filled with his delicious mango margarita, and I took a sip with a contented sigh.

"These are damn good…your best, I think." I grinned at him. "So…now that we're clear that Alice isn't 'some skank'…" I playfully shoved him, still disbelieving that he would have so little faith in me. "Seriously, I'm curious. When did this happen?" I bit my bottom lip, hoping he would see my curiosity for what it was – concern, rather than a dig for details.

He smiled sheepishly, taking a long sip of his drink as he stalled. "Umm…last night…" he mumbled.

I blinked in surprise, and then my eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I KNEW there was no way you got up early just to go to the grocery store! You were just getting home when you came in, weren't you?" I giggled at him and his attempts at stealth. He had never gone to these lengths before.

He laughed, a wide smile on his face as his eyes sparkled. "Umm…yeah. I just didn't want to leave her last night, you know?"

I nodded, though in truth, I'd never been in that situation, so no, I didn't know. Ugh. _Stop right there, Bella._ I took a shaky breath.

"So how did this happen? I mean, you actually showed restraint for once, which – while impressive – is a little bit confusing considering you love her," I grinned at him, teasing but also honestly curious.

"I just didn't want to rush things with her. She's…well, god, I don't have to tell you any more - I've already made it abundantly obvious how whipped I am," he said with a fond smile. "I wanted it to be special for us…to mean something." He shrugged.

"And did you make it special?" I didn't want to be too nosey, but this was a huge deal! To take a little bit of the edge off my curiosity and make him more comfortable, I started eating my nachos, feigning a nonchalance I didn't actually feel. I was slowly beginning to panic a bit.

_What about me?_ Even the angel on my shoulder was wondering now.

His cheeks flushed as he nodded. Jasper was turning out to be quite bashful. I didn't like it. There had _never_ been anything he was reluctant to tell me. Not. Fucking. Ever.

He took a bite of nachos, washed it down with a long pull of his margarita, and looked at me thoughtfully. He ran his fingers through his hair, already a mess from the long night of raiding.

He sighed.

"Alright, so don't laugh, okay?" He said with a serious expression. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I let it out with a -whoosh- when he finally began to speak. I nodded just as seriously and settled back into the corner of the couch to listen.

----------

**JPOV**

"And did you make it special?" Bella asked me, curiosity and concern in her eyes. Her voice held a slight edge to it, and something inside me tore a little bit at hearing it. It was…nearing panic.

_This_ was why I'd been dreading telling her. Not because she wouldn't get it – but because she would. She could read me like a book, knew me inside and out – even better than my own goddamn twin sister did. And she would _know_ that there was someone who was rapidly becoming even more important to me than her.

To buy myself some time, I took a bite of my nachos, noting even through the fog of my distress that they were fucking good. Bella could _cook_.

I needed her to understand…to see that even though Alice was becoming my world, there wouldn't be a time when I didn't need Bella too. It was a different sort of thing, a completely different feeling and need. But…I just didn't think Bella would quite get this one. Everything else, she understood about me implicitly. This, though…she had nothing to compare it to. She had never felt anything like this before – never even allowed herself the chance to.

_Fucking asshole_, a small part of my brain railed at the reason for Bella's inability to get close to a man…other than me, anyway.

She was so good and sweet and honest and loyal beneath all the "fucks" and the tough-girl exterior. Bella had always worn her heart on her sleeve, much as she tried to hide how she felt. I really didn't know how she would take this, but…well, hiding it from her would just make it worse in the end. Besides, if I couldn't talk to Bella about it, it was the beginning of the end for us, and I would _not_ allow that to happen. So…awkward as this would be…I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out how to start.

I sighed.

"Alright, so don't laugh, okay?" I began. She let out a gust of air, and I frowned as I realized she'd been holding her breath. Bella settled back into the couch, pulling her nachos and margarita with her. She shivered lightly, and I chuckled, taking the afghan from the back of the couch and spreading it over her legs. For some reason, she always froze when she drank margaritas. She smiled her thanks.

"So, Alice's favorite movie is _Sixteen Candles_…" I watched Bella grin and bite her bottom lip, but bless her, she didn't laugh. "But I noticed when I was looking through her DVD collection last week that she doesn't own it. She said she had it on VHS but couldn't find it on DVD when her VCR broke. Don't ask me why she still had a VCR…anyway…" I raked my fingers through my hair again. The embarrassing part was still coming up.

"Well, I wanted to do something nice for her, you know…just to let her know how much she means to me. And it's silly and stupid, but I ordered it from Amazon, and it came in yesterday afternoon. So I called her at work and asked if she minded if I came over to her place last night instead of her coming over here. She said that was fine, so I spent the afternoon out, getting things ready."

"I knew she would be getting off work at five, and she likes to shower and put on her 'evening clothes' before she sees me," I shrugged. I don't get it, but it's Alice…and she always looks phenomenal, so it's fine by me. "So all afternoon, I went around town, collecting her favorite things. I got dinner from her favorite restaurant, a new scarf in her favorite color, her favorite flowers…well, you get the idea. I even got her favorite perfume." I blushed, grinning in embarrassment. "Anyway, I packed a massive picnic basket, blanket and all, got to her place right at 6:30, and surprised her with our evening in."

I looked up to see Bella's eyes were soft, almost teary – gah, almost exactly like Alice's had been last night. Bella was such a girl sometimes. The thought made me smile.

"She was definitely surprised when she saw me with the basket, and she got all misty eyed on me, and I think she wanted to err…well, you know…right then. But I didn't spend all afternoon running around town for nothing! So I kissed her and led her in to the living room. I spread out the blanket and started handing her gifts from the basket. She loved everything…she squealed when she saw the DVD and asked if we could watch it." I rolled my eyes. Like that wasn't the fucking point of buying it.

"We got dinner and the movie all set up, and we ate in front of the TV on the blanket. It was actually really…sweet…Alice gets so into movies when she watches them. Like up on her knees at the exciting parts, hands over her face, the whole bit. So umm…as it got near the end, you know, with the birthday cake…" I trailed off, blushing furiously. Alright, here it was…

"She was totally focused on the movie, so I took the opportunity to pull out dessert, and when the movie ended and she turned around, all glowing and crying, it was waiting for her. She went all gooey, and I said…"

Damn, it was really hard to say this.

"I said... 'Make a wish, Alice.' And umm…she said, 'It already came true,'" I finally admitted, looking down at the floor.

I was so intent on studying the pattern in the hardwood floor, my face on fire, that at first I didn't know what the noise was. Then it hit me. Bella squealed.

_Bella_. Squealed.

I raised my head, laughing when I saw the ridiculous grin on her face. She flung her arms around me, nearly choking me. "Oh my god, Jasper! That is, like, the sweetest thing I've _ever_ heard!"

I hugged her back and then disentangled myself, looking at her doubtfully. "You don't think it's cheesy?"

"Oh, well, of course it is! But that's beside the point…it was _perfect_ for Alice, which is what matters." She shrugged.

"So what happened then?" she asked, finishing off the rest of her margarita and setting her empty plate and glass on the floor.

"Well, she leaned across the dessert and kissed me, and then we…sort of…forgot about the dessert," I grinned at Bella, pleased that she seemed so happy for me.

Bella looked like she was dying of curiosity, but she obviously realized that this was the part where we'd hit the details she liked to avoid if we talked much more. Instead of asking, she grinned at me, squeezed my hand, and told me she was really happy for me. I was relieved to see that she really meant it. The edge was gone from her voice, and I was so thankful I'd decided to talk to her about this. Even if it meant that I would endure endless teasing once she got over the sappiness of it.

She squealed again and clapped her hands, giggling like a schoolgirl. Then she stood up and stretched, yawning lightly as the alcohol really hit her. She blinked, her eyes slightly glazed. I glanced at the clock on the mantle and realized it was after three now, and we both had to work in the morning. Ugh.

"We better go to sleep, silly girl," I grinned at her, tickling her ribs before she huffed and stumbled off in the direction of her room, her coordination not helped by her lack of sleep or the margaritas.

I laughed softly and picked up our dishes, dumping them in the sink. I went around the apartment, turning off the countless lights Bella somehow manages to turn on every night. I never see her doing it…

I made my way to my own room and stripped down to my boxers, falling into bed with a sigh as my thoughts went back to Alice and last night. We had slept only three hours before I had to get up in my futile attempt to sneak back into my own apartment, and I'd not managed to catch a nap today, so I was dead tired. Still, thoughts of Alice crept into my mind, making me smile as I closed my eyes, reliving moments from last night before I went to sleep.

"_It already came true," Alice said softly, her silver eyes wide as she looked at me. _

_God, she took my breath away._

_She leaned across the blanket toward me, the dessert forgotten as her lips met mine. Our kiss was soft and sweet at first, our lips moving tenderly against each other as I raised my hand to cup her cheek. Her arms snaked up around my neck and she pulled herself closer, her lips parting in a soft sigh._

_Her sigh ignited something within me, and I just had to taste her. I gently traced her lower lip with my tongue, shivering when her tongue met mine. We kissed deeply, slowly, as a steady burn began to spread through my body, igniting every nerve and heightening all my senses. _

_My skin tingled, aching for her touch, and I moaned when her hands slid from my neck to the collar of my shirt, beginning to unbutton it. At my moan, she whimpered and pressed herself closer to me, her fingers making short work of the buttons on my shirt. She slid it down off my arms and then lifted the hem of my t-shirt, silently asking me to remove it._

_Breaking our kiss, I yanked the t-shirt over my head and tossed it aside, and then dove back into her arms, hungrily kissing up and down her neck as she rolled her head back and tangled her fingers in my hair. _

_She tugged my head back up and attacked my lips, sucking lightly on my tongue as her hands once more slid down my neck, this time running over my abdomen. I moaned loudly as she traced a finger along the skin just above my belt, and I gathered her in my arms, standing suddenly with her cradled against my bare chest._

_I looked down at her questioningly, trying to figure out if this is what she wanted. She nodded at me, but I had to know… "Alice, are you sure?" I asked, my voice husky._

_She smiled at me lovingly and stretched up, licking along my jaw and making me shiver. She whispered back, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life…I need you, Jazz." And then she lightly bit my earlobe, ending all rational thought._

_My lips crashed back against hers as I carried her into her bedroom to find it brightened by the moonlight streaming in through the gossamer curtains. Her bed was large and inviting, but it was covered with those infuriating throw pillows piled everywhere. I set her gently on the bed and then shoved the silly throw pillows off, making her giggle. I smiled back at her, brushing the hair off my forehead as I climbed onto the bed beside her._

_My heart was pounding in my chest, and my body was aching for release, but I wanted to make this special for Alice – show her just how much I adored her – and so I worked hard to beat back the lust that was threatening to consume me._

_I kissed her deeply, lightly running my fingers up and down her arm, making her roll towards me and pull me partially on top of her. She moaned when she felt my hardness pressing against her hip, and her kisses became more feverish, her hands fisting in my hair as she tilted her head. If she kept that up, there's no way I would last, so I broke away from her lips, kissing and licking her neck as I moved to her collarbones and softly nibbled. I sucked at the hollow of her throat and began slowly unbuttoning her shirt, smiling as I blew lightly, raising goose bumps on her skin._

_I continued my exploration with my lips, moving the fabric of her shirt away as I kissed the swells of her breasts above the delicate lace of her bra. I lifted my eyes, looking up at her through the fringe of my lashes as I bit my lower lip to keep from moaning at the expression on her face while I reached beneath her to unhook her bra. I slid the straps down off her arms, unable to stop the groan when her flesh was finally exposed to me. I lowered my face, kissing all around her breasts before finally taking one sensitive nipple into my mouth. I teased it with my tongue, relishing the sweet taste of her skin, and was nearly undone when I heard her moan my name._

"_Jasper…" she breathed with such longing._

"_Alice," I whispered against her skin, trailing kisses down her abdomen. I moved to the sensitive skin just above her hipbone, smiling to myself when she squirmed. My hands slid up her thighs, caressing and squeezing as they made their way to the button of her slacks. I slipped the button out easily and began unzipping them teasingly slowly, my lips working their way back to her navel._

_I looked up at her, my lips still against her belly, as I questioned her once more with my eyes. She raised her hips lightly in response and whispered a breathy, "Please," as her fingers caressed my face. I needed no more encouragement._

_I slid the fabric down over her hips, slipping her underwear off at the same time. I sat back on my knees for a moment, drinking in the sight of her lying pale and nude in the moonlight, her skin seeming to shimmer._

"_Breathtaking," I whispered._

_Her eyes studied me, tracing along the planes of my chest and abdomen before coming to rest on the pants I was still wearing. She bit her lip and looked up at me, beseechingly. I unbuckled my belt and stood for a moment, leaving my remaining clothes in a pile on the floor. Alice smiled slowly, licking her lips as she looked at me. Oh. My. God. I didn't know how much more I could take._

_But I was not finished with my reverent exploration of her body, so I lowered myself between her legs, my lips finding the soft flesh of her thighs as I kissed and sucked and licked, moving slowly upwards. Just as I reached the top of her inner thigh, I shifted, turning my attentions to the other leg, beginning just above the knee. I heard her hiss in frustration and bit back a smile._

_Her hands found the top of my head, and she pulled, trying to urge me upward, but I would not be hurried. Alice was a goddess, and I would not be remiss in my worship. My hands kneaded her thighs as my lips made their way back up, and I smiled when my breath hit her center, making her twitch. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out for long, and to be honest, I just had to taste her, so I lowered my mouth, gently touching her with the tip of my tongue._

_I moaned at her taste and the whimper that escaped her lips. Now her hands tangled in my hair, and she would not be refused as she pulled me to her, encouraging my attentions. I began licking and sucking, delighting in the feel and smell and taste and sounds and sights that were my Alice. Alice surrounding me, Alice encouraging me._

_She began writhing beneath me, lifting her hips in a rhythm that suited her. I needed so desperately for her to find her release, so I raised my hand, ghosting it along her thigh before it joined my mouth. I slipped one finger slowly into her, curling it forward as I continued to lick and kiss and suck, struggling to control my own needs as I tried to make sure hers were met. She pulled my hair and bucked her hips, calling out my name as I tasted her sweet release on my tongue. I smiled victoriously as I helped her ride it out, bringing her down from her heights as her head whipped back and forth on the pillow. _

_She panted for a moment and then said breathlessly, "Please, Jasper…please…"_

_I needed no more invitation, and my body was too far gone for my mind to control any longer. I lifted myself, my eyes finding and holding hers as I moved into position between her legs. I kissed her neck, nibbling along her jaw before finding her lips. I kissed her sweetly and whispered, "I am so in love with you, Alice," before entering her as gently as I was able. _

_My eyes rolled back in my head, and I heard my low voice call out her name as I felt her wrap around me, this feeling unlike any other I'd experienced before. Her hands found the small of my back, pulling me closer as she wrapped her legs around my hips. I was still for a long moment, wanting to prolong this feeling that I knew would drive me over the edge soon._

_I felt one of Alice's hands caress my cheek before cupping it, and I opened my eyes to find her looking into mine. I leaned down, kissing her tenderly and passionately at once, as I began moving slowly, her hips rocking with mine. It took every ounce of control I didn't have to hold off the release my body was aching for, but I wanted her to reach it with me._

_My hand found her breast, teasing her nipple with light pinches and pulls while my palm kneaded her flesh. I nibbled along her jaw, lightly running my tongue along her earlobe before working my way back to her lips again._

_Her hips rose and fell, meeting mine in perfect rhythm. I heard when her breath began to speed up, nearing a pant, and I increased my attentions, lowering my head to suck on her nipple and bite it gently. Her writhing became frantic, and it was all I could do to hold on as I begged her, "Please, Alice…"_

"_Jasper!" she called out, panting, "I love you…" and her body shuddered beneath me, all of her muscles tightening and sending me careening over the edge with her. I gasped with the force of it, my body rigid before I finally collapsed, rolling us on our sides as my muscles turned to water. I gasped for breath for a moment, and then smiled when I saw her eyes open and stare into mine._

"_I adore you, Alice," I whispered, kissing her sweetly. She smiled a sleepy smile and nuzzled her face into my neck, holding me close._

"_You're everything to me now," she breathed, and I felt myself melt at her words._

I smiled into the darkness, and though my memories of the night were far from over, my fatigue was dragging me under, and I rolled onto my side, drifting off to sleep with the sweetest words ever said from my precious Alice on my mind.


	4. Pixie Promises

**A/N: **I don't own the characters – just like to mess around with them. But Jasper and Edward definitely own me.

Thank you so much to those who have reviewed the story and PMed me (especially those of you who said you liked the lemon – that was a little nerve-wracking to write!).

For those of you who have asked, here – finally – is the introduction of Edward. Still not quite up to the much-anticipated movie night though :)

Also, I want to say thank you to AHelm for her kind promotion of "Just One of the Guys" and her encouragement while writing my first fanfic. Oh, and for writing "The Butterfly Effect", which always makes me squeal. You are teh awesome!

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**EPOV**

I was just finishing getting dressed, frowning at my unruly hair in the mirror, when I heard keys jingling in the lock of my front door. As I lived alone, this would normally worry me, but I knew who it had to be.

I waited until I heard the door open and then called out, "Alice, those keys were for when I'm out of town, and you need to check my mail."

I heard her trilling laugh as she skipped down the hall, appearing at my bathroom door. "Yeah, but this way I don't have to wait for you to answer!"

I arched an eyebrow. "A little patience wouldn't kill you, you know."

She shrugged, unapologetic, and then looked at me critically, tilting her head to the right. "Why are you dressed like a hobo?" she asked with her usual tact.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Alice, how many hobos do you know that wear Under Armour?"

She wrinkled her nose. "I don't know any hobos…but you still look like one." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"I'm meeting Emmett in a few minutes. We're going for a run and then to work out, so forgive me if I'm not up to your stringent standards." I teased her with a smirk.

Her eyes widened. "Emmett, huh?"

Rolling my eyes again, I brushed past her into the hallway. "Get over it, Alice. He's not my boyfriend, as I've told you again and again."

I heard her mumble something but didn't quite catch it. I didn't bother asking her what she said. I knew it was more of the same. She had some fascination with this idea that I was gay, which couldn't be further from the truth, all because she didn't understand why I wasn't with anyone.

_And haven't been for years._ A small voice in my head reminded me. I grimaced and raked my fingers through my hair as I plopped down on the couch, pulling my shoes on.

"To what do I owe the pleasure anyway, Alice?" I glanced up at her, my hands busy with tying my laces, and noted that she was trying to surreptitiously survey my apartment for signs of someone else. I sighed to myself, half in exasperation, half in affection. She really did care, but she was so far on the wrong track, it wasn't even funny.

"Seriously, little one, give it up. No one else has been ahh…staying over."

She turned away from her study of my mantle, where I'm sure she'd been looking for pictures of this mystery lover she was convinced I had, and her gray eyes were…concerned.

_Fuck_.

"Come here, Alice," I patted the couch beside me and opened my arms. She paused, hands clasped behind her back, as she rocked back and forth before smiling and dancing over, collapsing beside me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. I kissed her forehead.

"Now, what in the world is this all about?" I asked her, looking down at her spiky hair.

"I just…worry, you know…" she whispered.

"Ali, you don't need to worry. I'm fine. Contrary to popular belief, I'm perfectly content alone."

_Liar!_ The annoying voice in my head accused. _Shut the fuck up, _I answered.

Answering the voices in your head – never a good sign.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair before trying to lighten the mood. I knew she meant well, but Alice always managed to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. It wasn't my fault no one captured my attention…

But it wasn't Alice's fault that she cared either. She wasn't _trying_ to annoy me.

"So seriously, to what do I owe the pleasure of you stopping by in the middle of your Monday? I'm sure it can't all be your not-so-subtle check to see if I'm still single," I smirked.

Suddenly Alice pushed away, hopping a foot back on the couch as she turned to me with her eyes gleaming, clapping her hands with an excited grin.

_Uh oh._ I groaned. This wouldn't end well.

"Whatever it is you're planning, the answer is no," I said flatly before she could even get started.

"Oh, you don't even know what I'm going to say," she sang, completely unruffled by my surly attitude. "And you know I'm going to win anyway, so you might as well just listen and get over it."

She grinned at me, and I groaned again, leaning back on the couch and putting a pillow over my face as I settled in to listen to her. The sad part was…she was right. She always won. It was like she could see exactly what to say to make me go along with whatever asinine plan she had in mind.

"Okay, so I told you about Jasper and how _amazing_ he is, right?" I peeked out from behind the pillow and grinned at her silly smile. "Well, he's really close to his roommate, Bella. They've known each other for, like, a billion years, and they do a lot of stuff together. And since she's so important to him, well, I want to get to know her better too, you know? So I tried to get her to go to the spa with me because that's what I do with all my girl friends, but she's…"

She paused in her mile-a-minute explanation and tilted her head, looking up as she thought. "Well, she's sort of a tomboy, I guess. Anyway, she flat refused to go."

Alice's eyes widened in disbelief, and I laughed out loud at her expression. She was not used to being refused…by _anyone_.

_Score one for this Bella,_ I thought with a grin.

"So she suggested we 'start small' and go to a movie with Jasper. And she finally agreed that I can dress her, but no heels or skirts and she didn't want to wear makeup and I can't do her hair," she was starting to lose me – this was warp-speed Alice at her best, "so I started to make her get ready, but then there was this _rave_ thing, and she said they couldn't go that night, so I decided on Friday, and then I decided the best part – I said I'd bring you!"

My eyes had glazed over as I half-listened, but when she got to the last bit, I sat up straight. "No way, Alice."

"It's not like that, Edward. Seriously. Just hear me out, okay?" Alice's expression was uncommonly earnest, and I frowned, cautious as I listened.

"Bella doesn't date. Not anyone, not at all. Kind of like you." She paused to stick her tongue out at me again. "So don't even think that I'm trying to set you up because I'm not. But the most important person in Jasper's life will be there, and I want you to be there with me. And since neither of you date, there should be no problem." She bit the inside of her cheek, deciding on something before she continued.

"In fact, she made me agree to this silly condition," she giggled. "She won't even sit by you. She made me promise that Jasper and I would sit in the middle, and you'd sit by me while she sat by Jasper."

She shrugged. "So see, nothing to worry about. You won't even have to worry about her falling for your irresistible charms because she doesn't date." She batted her eyelashes at me, and I halfheartedly swatted at her.

I frowned, trying to make sense of this. "Is she hideous or something?" Surely there was a reason she didn't date.

_That's not fair. You don't date either._ That voice was seriously fucking annoying today. And right.

"No. Okay, see…something…happened to Bella. I don't know what because Jasper's never said, and I haven't asked. But it was something…personal. Something _really_ bad. Anyway, whatever it was, she doesn't date. Like at all. So there's nothing to worry about. She's actually really pretty, though…beautiful. And she's so funny, and she doesn't take any crap or back down, and she's really smart." She shrugged and sighed.

_Funny and smart and strong and pretty? Beautiful, even? _I felt a strange sense of…optimism…before I realized three things.

_Alice is probably blinded by her Jasper-colored glasses._

_This Bella doesn't date. _

_And neither do I._

But now I was…intrigued. Damn Alice, she always knew how to get me to go along with anything. I sighed and glanced at the clock on the mantle.

"Fine, Alice, I'll go. But we're definitely sticking to that condition of Bella's." Why the hell would I like saying her name? "And now you've made me really late for my _date_ with Emmett," I couldn't resist teasing her – I loved to see her eyes bug out like that, "so if there's nothing else…?"

"Just one more thing, and then I'll let you go." Again, she hesitated.

I waited a moment and then prompted her gently, "What is it, Alice?"

She chewed on the inside of her cheek again. When had she picked up that habit?

"It's really important to me that Bella and I get along for Jasper's sake…and more than that, I really like her, Edward. I think we can be really good friends, but…I'm kind of…nervous…about Friday." She spoke uncharacteristically slowly.

"Why would you be nervous?" I felt my brow furrow in confusion. She'd been dating Jasper for a month or so, and she obviously had met Bella before.

Exhaling lightly, she said, "Well, the thing is…I've never seen Bella around a guy other than Jasper. I don't know how she's going to react at all. So…if…well, if she acts weird…don't make a big deal about it, okay? I know this is hard for her, even though she tries to hide it. I just…appreciate…that she's making the effort, you know?"

And that, right there, is why I always give in to Alice. At the heart of everything – despite her ridiculous obsession with fashion, her relentless teasing, and the energy that sometimes made me want to poke myself in the eye with a needle – she really was kind and compassionate. And observant.

I smiled at her. "No worries, little one. You know I'd never say anything anyway, but I promise I'll be on my best behavior for you. I'll keep my distance and treat her with the utmost respect." I ruffled her hair, earning a glare as she jumped up. _Pixie glares are very dangerous things._ I snorted to myself.

I stood, stretching my arms over my head. I let out an -oof- as Alice hugged my waist with a tight squeeze. Lowering my arms, I returned her hug and smiled. My sister really was okay. Most of the time.

She grinned up at me, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "I'll let you get ready for your _date_ now. You'll have to call me later, so we can squeal about our boys."

I rolled my eyes, laughing at her as she bounced to the door. I followed her out, grabbing my gym bag on the way, and slid behind the wheel of my Volvo, flipping open my phone to call Emmett.

It barely rang before he answered. "Where the fuck are you, man?"

"Sorry, Em. Alice showed up, and well, you know how that goes…"I trailed off.

Emmett's booming laugh sounded through the phone. "She still thinks you're fucking me, eh?"

I laughed with him, glad as always that Emmett wasn't bothered in the least bit by Alice's weird obsession. "Yeah, though that wasn't the focus of the conversation today."

"Oh, yeah? What was so important that it took the spotlight off her big brother's homosexuality?" Emmett loved to fuck with me.

_Not in the way Alice thinks though._ My inner voice smirked.

I thought for a moment before deciding it was too weird and complex to get into now. "I'll tell you about it at the bar later. Be there in a few."

I heard his, "No problem, man," as I was shutting my phone.

The track was a few miles away, so I started flipping through my iPod until I found something that suited my mood. I had to laugh when "Sabotage" came up, and I turned the volume up as high as it would go, hitting the gas.

I was still laughing when I pulled up at the track and retrieved my iPod, grabbing my headphones, a towel, and a bottle of water from my gym bag. I got out of the car, stretching as I made my way over to Emmett. He arched an eyebrow at my laughter but said nothing, his earbuds already in. I could hear something with heavy bass playing but couldn't quite place what it was. He was the one who had turned me on to this tradition of running to old rap music – the beats really were perfect - so even though I didn't know the exact song, I knew it would be similar to what I was listening to.

He was sipping his coffee – I never will understand how the hell he can drink coffee and then run – and he finished it just as I reached him. He tossed the empty cup into the trashcan and turned without a word, jogging until he hit the track and then breaking into his long strides.

DJ Kool's "Let Me Clear My Throat" filled my ears as I broke into my own stride, letting the soothing motion of my muscles moving clear my mind of all outside interference. I never felt freer than when I ran, able to let go of all my frustrations, get away from the pressures of med school, and forget for a time that I might be all alone for the rest of my life. I matched my steps to the rhythm of my music and just enjoyed how invigorating it felt to have all my muscles working in concert.

All too soon, our five miles were finished, and we jogged off the track, keeping moving as we stretched and caught our breath. I wiped the sweat from my face and arms with my towel, downing my water in one long drink. Just as "I Ain't Going Out Like That" was finishing, Emmett pulled his earbuds out and grinned at me.

"You look…" he paused, stepping back to look at me, "hot." He stepped toward me, licking his lips.

"Fucking asshole," I answered, punching him in the arm hard enough that he had to take a step to the side to keep his balance. Quite an accomplishment - Emmett was _big_. He'd played football for U Dub when he was in college, while I was on the soccer and track teams. Of course, he had helped me train for track, and the fucker was fast too. He probably could have played pro, but he didn't really have the love for football anymore. He had found a new passion in…math, of all things. Ever pragmatic, he'd funneled that passion into computer science, and he now made ridiculous amounts of money doing something he absolutely loved.

_Smart, funny, good-looking, built, and rich. Too bad I'm _not_ gay._ I smirked.

"You're considering it, aren't you?" He laughed at me. "Sorry, dude, you're missing a few ehh…parts for my taste. And have one too many." He waggled his eyebrows.

"I bet I could make you forget that," I said, and this time _I_ stepped toward _him_ with a serious expression. He took a step back and punched me. Hard. I laughed and stepped away, tossing my empty bottle in the trash as I walked over to my car. "See you at the gym?"

He raised one hand in the air as he walked to his custom Jeep, and I climbed into my car for the short drive to the gym.

Once we arrived, we headed to the free weights like always. Emmett and I worked out together three days a week, and I went for longer runs a couple of times on the off days. Emmett invariably picked up some girl at least once a week, and I don't think he ever really understood why I didn't. I had done that sort of thing before…it got old. And, to be honest, it was…embarrassing. I didn't like being that guy.

But _damn_ I was beginning to think that I couldn't go much longer. It had been a year and a half…

_Don't think about it. That just makes it worse. _ I commanded myself.

Easier said than done, though. I sighed. Some days it seemed like I thought of nothing else.

I grimaced and shrugged it off, going to spot Emmett as he lay down on the bench. Naturally, it wasn't long before the girls started buzzing around us.

It was always the same thing. When we came in, they'd be either running or on a stationary bike. You know, actually working out like they came here to do. And then…as soon as they caught a glimpse of Emmett - _or me_, the more conceited voice in my head acknowledged – somehow, they developed an interest in lifting weights. Of course, having no idea what they were doing, they would invariably need our help.

It was so predictable.

And dull.

But it was Emmett's favorite pastime, aside from what he actually did with them once he got them home.

Today, a tall, leggy blond and her shorter brunette friend suddenly decided to do some curls as they watched Emmett's muscles strain with the weights he was benching. Of course, they were doing more giggling than lifting, and as soon as Emmett finished and sat up, one of them called out to us.

"Umm…excuse me?" More giggling.

Emmett grinned and muttered, "It's just too easy…" before raising his voice. "You ladies look like you could use some help." He turned on the charm, giving his dimple-revealing smile.

I sighed. One day, I would like to actually be able to finish a workout. Emmett glanced back at me with a smirk, knowing exactly what I was thinking. "You know, it wouldn't hurt you to take one of them home…that brunette's not half bad," he pitched his voice low so they wouldn't overhear. "What's it been? A year? Two?" He grimaced - just the thought was enough to make him cringe.

Given my state of mind and Emmett's encouragement, I _almost_ decided to at least give her a chance, even knowing she was the kind of girl who giggled and picked up guys at the gym. I looked at her as we walked over to the girls. I knew the blond was just Emmett's type – and so completely not mine – so I didn't give her a second glance. The smaller girl took my staring as encouragement and smiled broadly. She actually stuck out her chest just a bit, and I had to admit that the view was nice.

She wasn't classically pretty, but she was…attractive. And her gym clothes left little to the imagination, so I knew her body was pretty good. Chances were, though, any attraction I might possibly feel would be gone as soon as she opened her mouth.

_Stop thinking that way. Or do you really _want _to be alone?_

_And who cares if she's interesting anyway? You seriously just need to get laid._

I started to argue with myself until I realized it was…true. I grimaced.

Still, I really wasn't in the mood today. I had too many things on my mind, and it wasn't the best time for me to make a decision like that. It wasn't like I hadn't been hard up before.

I caught Emmett's arm. "Seriously, man, I really don't want to do this today. Can we just finish our workout and go to the bar?"

Emmett studied me for a moment. It wasn't often that I asked him something like that. Usually, I went along with it, helping him in whatever conquest he was attempting. I don't think I'd ever seen him go home alone once he decided he didn't want to.

Thankfully, he just nodded and grinned at me. "Alice must've really done a number on you this morning," he noted. "Just let me help them out, and then we'll head to the bar, okay?"

The rest of the "workout" went as expected. We did very little lifting, though Emmett did a bit of barely-concealed groping. The brunette kept trying to catch my eye, and she rubbed her body against me in highly inappropriate – though not entirely unpleasant – ways. It just made me more disgusted, and I frowned as I thought about my present…problem.

I had never been quite the man-whore that Emmett was, but when I was an undergrad, I had gone along with him much more often than not. The fact that Alice considered me asexual or possibly gay was…laughable. But she didn't know about my more…unwholesome ways…and that was a good thing. It wasn't exactly something I wanted to talk to her about, and it – truly – was something I was ashamed of now. When I thought of how I'd treated those women…

_It's no different than what Tanya did to you._ The quiet, little voice in my head hesitantly noted.

_True, but that doesn't make it right._

About a year and a half ago, though, I had been with yet another brainless girl who held absolutely no interest for me other than as a quick…fix, I guess you could say. And suddenly, I was just…appalled. Horrified, really, at what I had become. Just because I couldn't find what I wanted – someone I was really attracted to on all levels – I was just…using them all. The realization was sickening enough that I'd gone soft immediately, and then had to feel bad that I'd made the girl I'd been using feel undesirable on top of it all.

I really was a monster.

It was one of those defining moments, when I suddenly realized that I was becoming someone I didn't want to be, and – just like that – I stopped. All of it.

I'd been looking at women since then…determining what I wanted. What I needed. And I was beginning to believe it just didn't exist. _She_ just didn't exist.

Don't get me wrong, I'd found beautiful girls and smart girls and funny girls and quirky girls and sexy girls and sweet girls and innocent girls and clever girls and sarcastic girls and strong girls and soft girls and kind girls and feisty girls and compassionate girls and passionate girls…but I'd yet to find _her_ - the beautiful-smart-funny-quirky-sexy-sweet-innocent-clever-sarcastic-strong-soft-kind-fiesty-compassionate-passionate girl. You know, the one who would have it all, plus want _me_ and get all my weirdness too.

_Keep dreaming, Edward._

But I had to believe she was out there somewhere, just to keep going.

And…as embarrassing as it was to admit, even to myself…I'd abstained for the last year and a half not only because I didn't like the guy I was becoming, but because…I wanted to be worthy of _her_, if I ever could find her. I couldn't make up for what I had done in the past, but that didn't mean I had to keep doing it.

I forced my mind back to the present as the girls were finishing up their workout. I'd been right, by the way. As soon as she started talking, I'd completely lost all interest. I watched Emmett get his last grope in and collect the phone number of the blond. I politely declined the number of the brunette. It may seem cruel, but it's more cruel to make her wait for a phone call that will never come.

We quickly showered and then headed to our favorite bar to relax and undo a little of the good we'd done by exercising today with too much alcohol.

Once we were settled into a tall table not far from the bar and had ordered a round of beers, Emmett looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

"So…" he said.

"So?" I answered.

"So what the hell did Alice do to you today? You've been pensive all day." Emmett grinned, loving to prove he had an impressive vocabulary. He liked to see the shocked expressions when people heard big words coming out of his mouth.

The beer arrived, and I stared at my bottle, picking at the label before I answered. "She didn't _do_ anything. She was just Alice, you know? All concerned and shit." I shrugged. "It makes me feel like a freak sometimes."

"Well, you _are _a freak," he answered, matter-of-factly, "but not in the way Alice thinks." He smirked. "I don't get it, man. Why don't you just tell her about your ehh…escapades…and at least quell her gaydar as far as you're concerned?"

I sighed. "Because, Em, that's even worse. I don't want to talk to my _little sister_ about my 'escapades' as you call them. I don't really want her to think of me that way – and I'm sure that she'd thank me for keeping it from her."

_Besides, I'm embarrassed that I was that guy._ I added the last part to myself…I'd tried to explain that line of thinking to Emmett before and was met with a blank stare. It wasn't that he was…insensitive to women. It was just that he figures they are looking for the same thing he is, so there's no problem.

Maybe he's right.

But…it still doesn't change my thinking on it. I couldn't reconcile myself to it like Emmett could.

Frowning, I decided to change the subject, as this one would go nowhere. "Oh, she's making me go out on Friday."

Emmett grinned broadly, "Trying again, huh? I gotta give it to her…she's nothing if not persistent."

"No, it's not like that actually…" I trailed off, unsure of how much to say. Something in me felt…protective…of this Bella I'd never met. I know I didn't know what had happened to her, but the way Alice described it…it just made me cringe. It seemed clear to me that whatever this _personal thing _was that happened to her, it involved a guy. I hoped like hell I'd never been _that guy_ to any of the girls I'd messed around with.

Trying to make sense of this strange feeling, I decided it would help to talk about it. He may not look like it, but Emmett is actually a very good listener. I noticed I'd finished my first beer, so I waved for another round as I pondered where to begin.

"Alright, so Alice is dragging me out on Friday with the _amazing_ Jasper and his roommate," I began.

Before I could get any further, Emmett was howling with laughter, actually pounding his fist on the table top. I watched him, confused, before he finally gasped out, "Oh…my…god…she…she…fin…finally…set…you...set you up…with…a…a…GUY!"

I sat stunned for a second, then laughed with him, shaking my head. "No, you douche. Jasper's roommate is a girl named Bella." I smirked at him, waiting for him to calm down.

He took a sip of his beer, furrowing his brow. "Wait, Alice's boyfriend lives with a girl? Isn't that…like…?" He just trailed off.

"Yeah, weird, right? Anyway, Alice really likes Bella, and she's trying to get to know her better, so she tried to get her to go to the spa or some shit, but Bella refused," I grinned, still loving that part, "so they're going to the movies on Friday. And for some reason, Alice wants me to be there, too."

"I'm missing the part where this is any different from Alice's normal agenda," Emmett interjected.

"I'm getting to that…" I took another sip of my beer. "So apparently, Bella doesn't date either. Only she's not 'asexual' like I am," I said, actually using air quotes – which I hate – and rolling my eyes. "Alice says something happened to her in the past, something bad, and she doesn't date, ever, because of it."

I arched an eyebrow at him and waited to see what he would say.

Emmett pondered for a moment, frowning. "I don't understand," he finally said. "If this girl doesn't date…and Alice isn't trying to set you up, why does she want you there?"

"I don't know exactly," I admitted. "But I'm actually glad Alice is making me go for once. I'm worried about this whole Jasper and Bella arrangement…I really don't want Alice to get hurt, and this all just sounds so…strange, you know? I want to see the situation first hand."

_That's true. So why does it feel like a lie?_

_Maybe because…you're more intrigued by Bella than you want to admit?_

_Whatever. I don't even know her._

_Yet…_the smallest voice in my head whispered.

I shook my head to clear it, taking a look around the room. I spotted a couple of girls seated at the end of the bar staring at me and Emmett. Realizing I needed to take my mind off this whole weird situation anyway, I decided to make it up to Emmett for ruining his fun in the gym. I nudged his arm with my beer and nodded in their direction.

"Hey Em, I think that blond wants to have you for dinner. I know you're getting the shakes after leaving the gym so _unfulfilled_," I smirked. "Let's go make their night, shall we?"

I grinned at him, standing and draining the rest of my beer. He shook his head, chuckling, because he knew I wouldn't actually do anything and was just doing this for his benefit. Still, it didn't stop him from walking over to the barflies and asking the blond to dance. We spent the rest of the night dancing and drinking, but when it was time to go home, I managed to keep enough self-control to go home alone.

_I really hate myself sometimes…_

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**A/N:** Alright, so at the end, I couldn't resist throwing a nod to "Boycotts and BarFlies," one of my favorite fanfics. It's complete – check it out if you haven't :)


	5. Torture and Temptation

**A/N:** Still don't own them, still wish I did :)

Thank you _so much_ to those of you who have been reviewing. I love each and every review, and I've really enjoyed the conversations that have developed out of some of the comments. You guys keep me writing!

And without further ado…the day of the non-date! Note that the non-date night is actually split into two chapters, so don't kill me when you get to the end of this one please :P It just grew into a monster, so I'm splitting it and posting them close together.

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**BPOV**

My week had been going so well.

The classes I was taking as a Masters candidate were intriguing. The classes I was teaching as a TA went smoothly. I hadn't had any papers to write or grade, so I had plenty of time to play WoW and hang out with Jasper and Alice. Our guild had added two new bosses to our killsheet. The apartment was clean. I'd tried out a new recipe and had both Jasper and Alice rave about it. Jasper and I had kept up a running_ Cowboy Bebop _marathon every night, and we'd just watched my favorite episodes – both parts of "The Real Folk Blues" – last night. My last class of the afternoon had been canceled, and I'd gone for a fantastic run through town today in its place.

So where did it all go wrong?

Had my week been _too_ good, and this was some sort of metaphysical balance being exacted by the universe?

Had I accidentally run over someone's cat, and karma was out to kick my ass?

Whatever the cause, I was now in my own personal hell.

Literally.

I sighed.

Alice looked at my reflection in the mirror and grinned, completely unruffled by my obvious lack of enthusiasm for her current project.

Unfortunately, that current project was…_me_. Alice had gone from looking at me like a science experiment to actually treating me like one.

It was 3:30 on Friday afternoon, and we were in my bathroom, completely surrounded by "product," as Alice called the countless bottles and jars strewn across my counter. For some reason, Alice had deemed it necessary to start now to have me presentable in time for the 7:30 movie tonight.

Seriously, was I that hideous?

Even worse, I'd taken a look in my closet earlier today, and I'd been satisfied that there was nothing too terrible for Alice to pick out for me to wear tonight. After all, I'd been weeding things that made me uncomfortable out of my wardrobe for years, so I really was left with only clothes I felt okay wearing. So, surely, whatever she chose would be fine, right?

How wrong I was.

I didn't realize that Alice had an addiction to shopping. I also didn't realize that she had an uncanny ability to tell someone's size by sight alone. And, finally, I didn't realize that the clothes I'd worn around Alice had offended her sensibilities enough that she had decided I couldn't possibly have anything in my wardrobe worth wearing.

So, not realizing any of these things, I'd been totally unprepared when she'd shown up at my door with not one…or two…but _three _bags from the mall. She said she'd even bought new _underwear_ for me, for fuck's sake.

I sighed again.

I hadn't even seen the "adorable outfit" she'd chosen for me to wear tonight. Apparently, my face – despite the fact that I'd told her I would wear only mascara and lip gloss – was going to take some time, and she wanted to save the clothes as the last _surprise_.

So as I sat on the chair Alice had moved into my bathroom, I kept eyeing the bags on my bed, and they seemed to grow larger and more terrifying with every passing second. I cringed to think of what Alice might have chosen. Her clothes, while absolutely adorable on her, were way too revealing for me.

I bit my bottom lip, trying to stave off the panic that was threatening to set in.

Alice was idly playing with my hair – even though a hairstyle was not part of our deal – as she looked at my profile in the mirror. Suddenly, she seemed to snap out of whatever reverie she was in.

"Alright, time for you to shower," she said.

"But I just took a shower after my run two hours ago!" I protested.

"Bella," Alice said with exaggerated patience, like a mother explaining something to a toddler, "you need to take a shower so I have a clean slate. You need to wash with this" – she handed me a bottle of something – "scrub your face with this" – a jar this time – "and wash your hair again, using this conditioner. When you get out, put this on." With the last statement, she handed me a new soft white robe, another mall purchase.

"Alice…" I was trying really hard not to whine, but I'm not sure I was succeeding. "Why does it matter what I wash with?"

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say because Alice's eyes just about popped out of her head, and she started sputtering, not even able to get any words out.

"Okay, okay, never mind!" I mumbled, grabbing the _product_ out of her hands. Cradling the containers to my chest, I put my free hand on Alice's shoulder and pointed her toward the bathroom door, pushing her lightly.

As I closed the door, she finally found her voice again, calling out, "When you use the conditioner, remember to start at the ends and work your way up! And leave it in for five minutes!"

I rolled my eyes, turning the lock on the door. I leaned into my shower, dropping the products unceremoniously on my shelf before turning on the water. As I straightened up, sliding the shower door closed, I couldn't help but smile. At least I'd get a nice, relaxing hot shower out of this ordeal. And the longer I stayed in the shower, the less time I had to spend under Alice's torturing hands.

I leaned back against the bathroom counter, surveying the frightening array of items Alice had brought. I couldn't even imagine what some of them would be used for – a few, I was sure, were actual torture devices of the type banned by the UN Committee against Torture.

Biting my lip, I pushed myself off the counter and slipped out of my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. I smiled and exhaled with a contented sigh as I stepped into the shower, feeling the steaming hot water pouring over my body, soothing the slight ache of my muscles from my run.

After a few minutes of simply standing there, I picked up the body wash Alice had given me, noting that it was "extra moisturizing" and "calming." I grinned to myself. Maybe Alice knew me better than I thought. I popped open the top and squirted it onto my body sponge, inhaling and catching the fragrance of lavender and vanilla. It wasn't bad, though I think I preferred my normal freesia.

I washed myself slowly, and then picked up the small jar Alice had given me for my face. I opened it, examining it curiously. It smelled of ginger and lime – I heartily approved. Still, it looked lumpy, and there was a plastic…thing in it, similar to the little wooden spoons you get with individual ice cream cups. I frowned and turned the jar, reading the instructions.

Then I shrugged, scooped out a bit of the scrub onto my fingertips and began rubbing it into the skin of my face, struck instantly with the idea that I was scrubbing with sandpaper. Dear god, why would people _voluntarily_ go through all of this? Making a face, I left it on for a couple of minutes before turning my face under the shower head, letting it rinse away. Experimentally, I touched my face, and it felt…sticky. That can't be right.

I picked up the little jar and turned it to the ingredients. I rolled my eyes when I saw "sugar" listed first. So _that's_ what felt like sandpaper…

Retrieving my body wash again, I squirted a small amount of it onto my fingers and re-washed my face. I didn't know if that would be a Tinkerbell-approved maneuver, nor did I care.

That done, I washed my hair and used the conditioner she had provided, taking care to make sure I followed her instructions and worked from the ends up. I had no idea what any of this was for – I mean, honestly, how can my hair tell if I put this stuff on the bottom or top first?? But since I'd agreed to let Alice have her fun, I was going to follow through as best I could…so long as she played nice, of course.

While my hair was conditioning, I decided to shave, having skipped it after my run earlier. I hummed to myself, noting that the water was starting to cool slightly, and when I was finished, I rinsed my hair and turned off the water, stepping out of the shower into a bank of steam clouding up the bathroom.

I dried quickly, never enjoying the way my skin cooled after a shower, raising goose bumps. I wrapped a towel around my hair, threw on the little white robe Alice had gotten me – noting with a blush that it ended at mid-thigh – and pulled open the door, singing, "Alright, I'm all done!"

And then I promptly collapsed onto the floor, back against the cabinet, head between my knees. My breath came in ragged pants, and I could feel myself shaking and my eyes tearing up. I scrubbed at my eyes, trying to rid myself of the flashes ransacking my mind.

_Anger. Hatred. Loss. Pain. Ripping. Tearing. Bleeding. Beating. Evil. Blue eyes. _

_Breaking. _

_Breaking. _

_Breaking._

"Bella?!" Alice yelled, and I heard the shoes she had been holding fall to the floor with two distinct thumps. I felt her small hands cradle my head, and I jumped, a sob escaping my lips.

"Bella, are you okay?" Alice's voice was panicked, and I struggled to pull myself out of the memories threatening to drown me.

I gasped for breath, fists pressing against my eyes as I worked to calm myself down. As I felt the panic start to fade into the background, I felt new emotions beginning to burn within me.

Rage.

Disgust.

Disappointment.

This time, though, all of these were directed at myself. What the _fuck_ was wrong with me?

I had looked out of the bathroom to see Alice examining a new pair of Mary Janes with a smile. That's all. A girl looking at a fucking pair of shoes.

The anger helped me calm my panting and shaking, and I slowly looked up at Alice. Her face was horrorstruck, and her hands kept fluttering as if she couldn't decide whether it was safe to touch me or not. Wiping away the last of my tears, I managed to give her a weak smile.

_She has to think I'm insane now._

_Hell, _I _think I'm insane now…_

"I'm okay…really. That was…" I grimaced, not even knowing how to explain any of it. It wasn't the shoes, exactly – it was thinking I would have to wear them. I really didn't want to get into the whole story with Alice, especially not right now. It was too painful and humiliating, and I couldn't drag those memories up if I was expected to act normal in a few hours.

In the end, I just shrugged, not finding any more words.

"It's alright, Bella…you're alright," Alice said, a soft, caring smile on her face. She hugged me lightly, a little awkwardly as I was sitting on the floor in a robe that barely covered my butt when I was standing.

I finally laughed at the whole situation. My ridiculous position on the floor, this silly robe, Alice's concern with fashion, our night out…all of it just seemed funny to me all of a sudden.

Alice looked at my face and finally cracked a real smile. "I didn't think my new shoes were _that_ ugly," she said with mock disappointment.

I loved her a little bit more then. She didn't know what, exactly, was bothering me, but she pieced together what I'd said about heels with my reaction to her holding a pair…and she was letting me know that it was okay – okay that I wasn't telling her and okay that whatever had happened to me left me in fear of shoes, of all things. She was also letting me know, subtly, that I wouldn't be expected to wear those shoes.

I gave her a genuine smile and hugged her tightly, even kissing her cheek. "Just think what would have happened if you'd bought me a pair of stilettos." I grinned at her, a little in acknowledgement that yes, I was really that fucking weird about shoes. I was frustrated that my voice was still a little shaky.

She smiled back. "I think we'll start a bit more slowly. Here, _these_ are the shoes I got for you." She stood up then, clapping her hands as she skipped to the bed. She dug into one of the bags and came back with a box that left me cautiously optimistic.

"Converse? I get to wear Converse?" I asked, not daring to hope.

"Open the box, silly!" the pixie commanded.

I obeyed, and I lifted out a pair of tan shoes. "Chucks! Oh my god, Alice! These are awesome!" It was my turn to squeal as my relief at not being forced to wear Mary Janes met my excitement over a new pair of Converse.

Then I realized something else…if the fashionista was letting me wear Chucks, there was no way she was forcing me into anything _too_ terrible. I bit my bottom lip, beginning to look forward to tonight and even to hanging out with Alice, getting ready. A little bit.

And then I remembered the _product_ strewn across my counter, and my budding excitement faded into a resigned sigh.

To be completely honest, the afternoon wasn't wholly terrible. Alice chattered incessantly, talking about school and Jasper and the fashion show she was helping run tomorrow. The whole time she was talking, she was working on me. She brushed my face with something, leaving it tingling, before soothing it with some sort of moisturizer. She made me rub lotion over my entire body, and I had to laugh at the slight shimmer it left on my skin. I was poked and prodded and pulled and rubbed and covered in countless textures and smells. I never knew that anyone even _could_ spend this long getting ready.

There were really only two truly torturous moments. The first was when Alice attacked me with the eyelash curler. The second was when she brought out her manicure set, insisting that I had never told her she couldn't do my nails – and since it wasn't strictly prohibited, it counted as part of getting me ready. I started to argue and then just gave up, renegotiating instead. I managed to convince her that I didn't want any color on my nails, and she settled on a French manicure. So I stared ahead while Alice pushed back my cuticles, trimmed them, buffed my nails, and did who knows what else before proclaiming that my hands were "delicious." Seriously…delicious?

Finally, Alice let my hair down out of the towel and handed me my hair dryer. She had such a dejected look on her face – I could tell she was itching to play with my hair. And she was being so good about it, not even bringing it up again, just handing me the dryer so I could fix it however I wanted.

_Ahh, what the hell…_

"Hey, Alice?" I began.

"Yeah?" the pitiful pixie pouted. She really was cute when she was all sad like that.

"I was wondering…" I smiled, biting my lip as I drug it out a bit.

"What?" she furrowed her brow, a little impatient in her petulance.

"Would you mind drying my hair?" I grinned as I watched her smile beam across her face in the mirror.

"Nothing different," I said sternly. "Just brush it and dry it, and it can stay straight like it normally does." I knew she would add a little _something_, but I hoped that warning would keep it small. I kind of wanted to offer her a little something in appreciation for how she had understood earlier and just dropped everything.

The dryer was too loud for us to talk while she worked on my hair, but I watched her in the mirror as she smiled happily. She would run her fingers through my hair with a wistful expression, and I wondered if she sometimes wished she had long hair. She curled the ends around a round brush she'd brought with her, but she restrained herself otherwise. When she finished, my hair was parted in the middle like always, but she had somehow made it brush back a little at the sides, framing my face with gentle waves. The ends curled under, giving me a softer look than I normally had. It looked…_pretty_. Huh.

Finally, she clicked the dryer off, dropping it on the counter. She turned to me and squealed, genuine excitement in her eyes. "It's time!" she announced and then danced over to the bed, where she started pulling items from her bags. I followed behind a few steps, looking over curiously.

When she returned, she handed them to me, and I had to admit that it didn't look all that bad. Not something I would've picked out myself, but…somehow, it still _looked_ like me.

"Now, don't look in the mirror! I want to be there when you see yourself." Quickly giving some instructions, she pushed me back into the bathroom with a "Hurry up!"

"Why do I need to hurry, Alice?" I was confused.

Alice trilled a laugh. "Because it's 6:30, silly! I wonder where Jasper is…" she muttered the last part to herself.

_6:30? No way…_

She pulled the door closed just as I heard her phone ringing.

I heard her answer, but I wasn't paying attention. Instead, I was staring in horror at the tiny blue lace panties and matching bra Alice expected me to wear tonight. Just looking at them made me blush. I'd definitely never owned _anything_ like this before.

A knock on the door forced me out of my dumbfounded moment. "Bella? That was Jasper. He's going to have to meet us there…Dr. Goodson is keeping him late again." There was a pout in Alice's voice.

I shook my head, trying to clear it, and started removing tags. I slowly slipped out of my robe and started getting dressed. The underwear felt strange to me, and I found myself squirming and fidgeting as I tried to get used to it. I felt a little better when I shook out the blue jeans Alice had given me. They had little flowers embroidered on the pockets and near the bottoms, but they were boot cut and looked comfortable. When I unfolded the shirt, I actually smiled. It was so pretty! It was blue and short sleeved with a short collar, and it was fairly plain, with just enough decoration. I _loved_ it!

I dressed quickly after that, noting with a snort that Alice had even included new _socks_, as if I couldn't manage that much on my own. I was careful to follow her instructions, not looking in the mirror as I adjusted and made sure everything seemed to be hanging right. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Alice squealed. Then she darted forward and hugged me, gushing, "Ohmygod! You look so pretty, Bella!!" She clapped her hands with delight.

She stepped back, viewing me with her critical fashionista eye. She adjusted a few things here and there, pushing hair back over my shoulder, pulling on the hem of my shirt, before she finally said, "Okay, close your eyes!"

I obeyed, and she turned me around, moving me just so before she sang, "Open them!"

I opened my eyes and blinked. It was…_amazing_ the difference Alice's day of torture had made. I looked…well…_pretty_. Maybe even more. I was still me – the basics hadn't changed – but my face and hair were softer somehow, my eyes more defined. My lips seemed almost obscenely prominent to me – I wouldn't even notice on someone else, but as I never wore lip gloss, they seemed to be screaming from the mirror. My hair curled and waved around my shoulders and face, creating a delicate frame.

It took me a moment to realize Alice was babbling at top speed, obviously pleased with her results. "And the pintucking and Cluny lace insets in that shirt are just _perfect_ – they scream Bella! Do you like the fabric? It's cotton voile…maybe a little cool for October, but you can't worry about that when you're dealing with fashion, you know?" She continued to ramble, and I let her words wash over me, as I adjusted to the sight before me.

_You look like…a…girl…_

Even my inner voice was stunned. Wonderful.

I turned left and right and slowly began to smile. For the first time in seven years, I was dressed like a girl and felt confident instead of self-conscious. Alice was a genius.

I giggled suddenly and hugged Alice. She laughed and said she was glad I approved. And I really did.

Looking at her watch, Alice realized it was time to leave, and I started packing up her things until she looked at me, confused. "Those are yours," she said, gesturing with her hand to all the bottles and jars covering my counter.

"Oh," I said lamely. Like I'd even know how to use them.

Alice laughed at my expression and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the bathroom and turning off the lights. I plopped onto my bed and began pulling on my new Converse while Alice huffed. I could tell that she was plotting how to get me to _act_ more like a lady next.

"Don't even think about it, Tink," I said in a teasing tone but totally serious.

As I finished tying my shoes, I glanced over to Alice's feet and noticed she was still wearing the shoes she had on earlier rather than the Mary Janes that would have matched her outfit perfectly. I gave a small internal smile at her kindness.

We decided to take Alice's car because she refused to be seen in my old beat up truck. As she slid behind the wheel and started the car, she began flipping through stations, finding a song she liked and turning it up full blast.

_Figures…I should have known she'd like pop. She's _such_ a girl._

I couldn't help but grin. She sang along as she drove, never missing a word. By the time we got to the theater, my ears were beginning to ring a bit, and I was staring out the window. Alice got lucky, and an older woman was pulling out of a space right near the curb as we pulled up. As she was parking, I glanced out, looking for Jasper, and spotted…

_Oh. My. God._

The first thing I noticed was odd, bronze-colored hair standing up in all directions as he ran his fingers through it. Then I noticed the toned muscles of the arm attached to that hand, easily visible through the snug shirt he wore. I admired the width of his shoulders and the way his torso narrowed to his waist. And then he turned and I saw his face.

_Holy. Fuck._

There were no words. None at all. My thoughts scattered, and I could pick up only bits and pieces – piercing green eyes, full, kissable lips, a knowing smirk as he spoke.

I felt a strange longing as I watched him. Strange because I _never_ reacted this way. Never. I never even really looked at a guy long enough to decide if he was handsome or not. All I ever cared about was if a guy was nice and funny and easy to get along with. And I…could not take my eyes off this man.

In that moment, I felt the most bewildering combination of emotions I have ever experienced. I felt elated at the sheer joy of such an attraction. Confused by my intense reaction when I had all but avoided men except as my dearest friends for the past seven years. Excited by the possibilities this attraction might hold for me. Despair when I realized there was a reason I never date. A very real reason that I couldn't just ignore because – for the first time ever – I felt a pull to someone so strong that it was impossible to forget.

"Bella? You okay?" Alice's voice pulled me out of my bittersweet musings, and I turned to her with a brilliant "Huh?", my mouth still hanging open.

Alice giggled and looked past me, saying, "Oh, good! The boys are both here!"

I followed her gaze.

_No fucking way!_

Jasper – _my _Jasper – was talking to Mr. Dazzling.

"Alice, who is that Jasper's talking to?" I struggled to keep my voice normal.

"Oh, that's Edward!" Of course.

_Karma's a bitch._

As the thought passed through my head, I couldn't decide if I meant that this Edward was a torment for my behavior…or a reward.


	6. Of Popcorn and Tom Servo

**A/N:** Finally, here it is – part two of movie non-date night :)

My reviewers are the best! I love you all! And yay for over a thousand visitors now!

Still don't own any of them, but Edward so owns me.

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**BPOV**

I sat in the car, staring through the window at the guys. Now that I knew he was Alice's brother, I could see a bit of her in him. Not the pixie parts – there was nothing fey about him. But it was there in the definition of his cheekbones and the vibrance of his eyes, though they were the most enchanting green while hers were a beautiful silver.

There was also a mischievous gleam in those eyes, very similar to the one that graced Alice's countenance so often. Both of them looked so…_happy_. So free. It made me envious.

The unruly hair was another similarity, though Alice tamed hers into spikes arranged in casual disarray. Edward's hair looked as if it would never behave, no matter what he tried. Of course, he didn't look like he tried anything, standing there running his fingers through it as he was. He looked calm…casual…perfectly at ease.

And I felt anything but.

The sound of Alice's door opening broke me from my trance, and I felt my cheeks flush as I realized I had been unabashedly staring at _him_.

_Brilliant. Very subtle, Bella._

I really couldn't help it. I was so completely flustered, baffled even, by the dizzying array of emotions that were still coursing through me. My brain seemed to have abandoned me, and I truly hoped it found its way home before I was expected to speak.

Taking a shaky breath, I opened my own door and started to get out…right up until I choked myself with the seatbelt I hadn't bothered to unfasten yet. The flame of my cheeks reached epic proportions as I finally managed to extricate myself, relieved beyond belief that the boys hadn't noticed our arrival yet.

_Dammit, Bella, get a grip. He's a guy. So what? You have tons of guy friends._

_But…_the little voice in my head barely whispered.

I quashed that voice quick before it could even hint that I might want to be something more than friends with Edward Cullen. I didn't want that. How could I?

_Still…_

_I said no, bitch_.

God, what an inane argument to have with myself. I sighed.

Alice looked back from her place on the sidewalk where she was waiting for me, impatient to get to Jasper. As I reached her, she began tugging on my shirt, straightening my hair, and otherwise making sure I was appropriately displaying her skills. When I was deemed as close to perfect as I could get, she smiled at me and grabbed my hand, dragging me across the sidewalk to where Jasper and Edward waited.

Edward noticed Alice as we walked, and I saw him flash her a smile before he glanced at me. His eyes widened, and his smile faded. I felt…disappointed somehow.

_Well, that wasn't exactly the reaction I'd been hoping for._

I felt my spirits fall a bit as we continued walking toward them, but just before I managed to finally wrench my eyes away from Edward's face, I saw a slow, wide smile spread across his lips as he still gazed at me.

I giggled like a giddy schoolgirl on the inside.

And I didn't even feel silly about it.

Looking to the left of Edward, I saw Jasper staring at me, slack-jawed and dumbfounded. I laughed out loud at his expression, even though it was a little insulting if I really thought about it.

Jasper grinned when he heard me laugh, and he said, "Damn, Bells!" before letting out a low whistle.

I rolled my eyes and smacked his shoulder, muttering, "Shut the fuck up!" Raising my voice, I said, "Sorry we're late…blame Tinkerbell here."

I was startled when I heard musical laughter at my comment. _Beautiful laugh…another similarity with Alice. _I glanced shyly at Edward from the corner of my eye and saw him laughing heartily while Alice glared at him through narrowed eyes. She pinched him so hard that _I_ winced – that shit looked painful.

He said, "Ouch, damn it!" and twisted out of her grasp, but he continued to chuckle, shaking his head. Alice stuck her tongue out at him and huffed for a moment before she threw herself at Jasper, reaching up to lock her arms around his neck when he leaned down to kiss her.

I smiled as I watched them, happy to see that they were still so stupidly in love. It was disgusting and uncomfortable at times, but I really did like that they were so perfect together. I glanced at Edward – I really didn't seem to be able to help myself – to see his reaction, but I was surprised to see he was looking at…_me_. I blushed deeply and glanced away, unable to stop the smile spreading on my lips.

Just then, Jasper managed to untangle himself from Alice. He pulled her to his side and smiled at us, saying, "Bells, this is Alice's brother Edward – Edward, my best friend Bella."

I started to step forward, holding my hand out, when I heard Edward breathe, "Beautiful," and my hand fell to my side as I blushed furiously.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

Edward's eyes widened slightly, and he said, "Oh ah, I was just saying 'Bella' means 'beautiful', right? In Italian?"

I felt heat flood my cheeks as my eyes widened as well. I stood there, struck dumb for a beat too long, before I heard myself say, "I guess it's a good thing my parents named me Isabella then – would hate to misrepresent 'Bella'."

_Now what the fuck made me say that? I think he was saying I was beautiful…right?_

_No…can't be…_

_Can it?_

I mentally bitch slapped myself, struggling to return to the conversation that had now sprung up between Alice, Jasper, and Edward.

My mind kicked into gear just as I heard Edward telling Jasper he was attending the University of Washington School of Medicine. He said he was unsure of his specialty, but he was thinking of sports medicine.

_So he likes sports…_

I was annoyed to realize I was starting a mental catalog of things I knew about Edward. And more annoyed to realize that the first thing on the list was _has the sexiest smirk I've ever seen._

I jumped slightly when I heard my name, and I blushed to realize I had drifted off into thoughts of Edward and was staring at him _again_. At least he'd been speaking this time, so I had a reason to be looking.

I quickly scanned back in my memory, searching desperately for what Jasper had just said. Then I remembered: _Bella and I are both TAs at U Dub._

I smiled and nodded, saying, "I work in the English department, and Jasper's a history buff."

"English, huh?" Edward smiled, and I melted a little bit at the way the left side of his lips curved up just a bit more than the right.

_How fucking cute is he?_ The twelve-year-old girl in me was sighing. I didn't even know I _had_ a twelve-year-old girl in me anymore.

"I'm an avid reader myself. Is there a particular period you're interested in?" Edward was gazing at me intently, as if my answer was vitally important to him. I felt the skin over my cheekbones heat and knew that my trademark blush was beginning to make its appearance.

"Well, I was always focused on the English Renaissance – particularly John Donne – but Dr. Hendricks recently turned me on to William Faulkner, and now I have this strange fascination with Southern Lit and American Studies too. My thesis is on Donne's treatment of women, though – even though some of his poems seem to have misogynistic themes, I really think he gets a bad rap that he doesn't deserve…well, doesn't _always_ deserve anyway," I said, realizing that even with Mr. Dazzling here, discussions of literature brought out the babble in me.

Edward's smile broadened, and he said, "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name."

_Fuck._

_Me._

Was he seriously quoting "Air and Angels"? I actually felt my heart flutter, and I stared at him, dumbfounded.

As I stood there, not saying anything, just staring at him, I saw his face fall a bit.

"That's him, right? I was sure he wrote 'Air and Angels'…" he trailed off, frowning slightly as he looked up, obviously racking his brain.

_Dammit, Bella. Mr. Dazzling here is quoting your favorite poem by your favorite poet to you, and you're making him feel stupid._

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Alice apparently came out of her conversation with Jasper and whined, "Come on! We're going to miss the previews!"

I frowned and shot her a look of frustration, which she seemed not to notice. I looked over at Edward, but he was now focused on Alice, and I felt…disappointed…that our conversation had to end. Even Jasper didn't get my fascination with the Renaissance, and he pretended to snore every time I tried to make him read Donne. I'd given up on that years ago.

Alice tugged on Jasper's hand, pulling him toward the theater doors, and Edward began to follow. I sighed and then said, "I'm going to get some popcorn. Want anything?"

"No thanks, Bells," Jasper said, and I frowned at him.

"Don't think you're sharing mine, Hale. If you want something, tell me now." I knew all too well what happened when Jasper didn't get popcorn. And I don't fucking share my popcorn. Movie popcorn is a sacred thing.

Jasper just laughed and said, "We'll see you inside!" as Alice pulled him through the doors.

I noticed Edward was still standing beside me, and I smiled, saying, "What about you? Want me to get you anything?" I was relieved to see that I was _finally_ starting to sound normal around him. I guess my annoyance with Jasper was good for that much, at least.

"I'll come with you," Edward said, and my heart fluttered again.

We moved into the line, and I noticed Edward was keeping his distance from me. I didn't know if it was because he just didn't want to be closer to me, or if Alice had warned him about my…episodes. I grimaced at both possibilities.

Edward noticed and asked, "What is it?" with a faint smile in his voice and on his lips.

"Umm…nothing, really. So how is it you know John Donne? Most people just stare at me blankly when I mention him."

"Oh…well, as an undergrad, I had a minor in English. I always loved literature, and it was sort of a nice balance to all the sciences I was taking," Edward's smile spread naturally upon his lips, and I could tell somehow that he really did love literature.

_Could he get any more perfect than he is?_

We continued to talk books as the line moved slowly, and I was really surprised at how easy he was to talk to. I didn't feel awkward at all despite my intense attraction to him, and that was definitely new. I _did_ occasionally have to stop myself from moving closer and touching him. I didn't seem to be able to help myself.

It was midway through a conversation on Kurt Vonnegut that I remembered what Alice had said…

"_So I don't _think_ he's gay, but I do know that he's just…not interested. In anyone."_

I felt my heart sink. _Of _course_ you feel comfortable around him…you know he won't try anything because He's. Not. Fucking. Interested._

I felt something so close to despair that it took my breath away, and it was then that I had to admit – really admit – that I wanted something with Edward. I didn't know what, but I wanted him in my life…as much of him as I could get.

But…now I was worried about scaring him away. If he really didn't date, really wasn't interested in anyone, I would have to be careful to not let him see how attracted to him I was.

_Ugh, just fucking perfect. The first guy I've been interested in in seven years, and I can't let him know._

I was disgusted to realize that a large part of me was relieved by that fact. I'm such a fucking train wreck.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Edward's concerned voice broke through my mental anguish, and I melted a bit at the caring tone I heard.

"Oh, nothing. I just spaced for a minute. Sorry." I smiled at him as naturally as I was able, and I turned to the counter, relieved to see that it was finally our turn so I didn't have to deal with trying to act normal while talking to him right now.

I ordered a tub of popcorn and a large Coke, and I noticed Edward start to reach for his wallet before he stopped and lowered his hand with a frown. After I paid for my snack, he ordered a Coke for himself and paid for it, then picked up both drinks and smiled down at me.

"Shall we?" he said. I motioned for him to go on and followed behind him, smiling at his back as he carried my drink for me. He would make Mama Hale proud.

We entered the darkened theater just as the last preview ended and looked for Alice and Jasper, spotting them as the opening credits started.

Edward motioned for me to go ahead of him, and I walked down the aisle toward Jasper. I took the seat next to him and turned to Edward, who handed me my drink with a tight smile before he turned and walked down to the next row, which was empty, and crossed over to sit next to Alice.

Ugh, I'd forgotten my stupid condition. I cursed myself internally.

I sighed softly and settled in to watch the movie. Alice chose it, so I wasn't very hopeful.

It more than lived up to my non-expectations. It was a romantic comedy, and it was soooo bad. I amused myself by keeping up a running commentary in my head that would make Crow and Tom Servo proud.

Of course, that meant that I kept laughing at all the wrong parts, when the rest of the theater was totally quiet. Jasper knew what I was up to and began laughing with me, likely thinking the same things I was. I glanced to my left and noticed Edward watching the two of us with an amused grin. Alice was not so amused and had a most un-pixie-like glare on her face that made me laugh harder.

I stopped laughing when I felt Jasper's thieving hand sneak into my half-empty popcorn tub.

"Back off my popcorn, bitch!" I smacked him. Hard. "I told you to get your own!"

I heard Edward's musical laugh, and then it was cut off quickly when Alice smacked him for laughing at Jasper and disrupting the movie. I snorted. Edward kept chuckling, and I noticed that, after that, he seemed to be laughing at all the same parts I did. All the wrong parts.

If I melted any more, there was going to be nothing left but a puddle on the floor. _Bella goo._

I giggled as the end credits rolled.

I avoided Alice's glare as we stood and left the theater. I tossed my empty popcorn bucket and cup into the trash and then led the way outside. I frowned when I realized it was raining, and it had gotten _cold_ while we were watching the movie.

And Alice had me in a thin, short sleeved shirt. Bleh.

I reached the end of the awning and stayed beneath it, turning with my hands in my pockets to see the others. I shivered and said, "So what's the plan now, Tink?" I was sure she had something else in mind, and for once, I really didn't mind.

Jasper had his arms wrapped around Alice's tiny frame, keeping her warm, and Edward stood off to the side with his hands stuffed in his pockets, shuffling his feet. Alice's lips pouted as she said, "I have to go home and go to bed. I have to be up at five for that fashion show I'm helping run tomorrow."

I cursed internally when I remembered her babbling about that show earlier today during her afternoon of torture. I really didn't want this night to end. I was too keyed up, and…to be honest…I wanted to get to know Edward a little more.

Well, since we would be cutting the night short, I decided to prolong the time I _did_ have, freezing rain or not, so I teased Alice about the movie she'd chosen.

Jasper said, "Bells, it wasn't _that_ bad." That earned him a smile from Alice.

I stared at him incredulously and then answered, "Oh come on, Jazz! That was worthy of Tom Servo, and you know it!"

Jasper tried to look at me seriously for a moment before he cracked up and nodded his head. "You know, that movie was strong enough for a Manos," he said.

"But made for a Womanos," I answered, paraphrasing our favorite quote from the MST3K episode of _Manos, The Hands of Fate_.

We stood there giggling for a minute before I noticed that Edward and Alice were both silent and…staring at us.

"No way…" I said, looking at them and then back at Jasper with my eyebrows raised. "Don't tell me you guys have never seen MST3K?"

"Seen…what?" Alice asked, perplexed.

I rolled my eyes. "Mystery Science Theater 3000? Tom Servo? Crow? Joel?"

More blank stares from them.

"Oh. My. God. Jasper…I can maybe understand Edward's lack of education, but how could you let Alice go without seeing it? And you call yourself her boyfriend!" I chided.

I shook my head and turned back to the ignorant ones. "MST3K is…" I paused, thinking, "well, it's sort of hard to explain, but it's one of the funniest things ever made. It's too bad you have to work in the morning, Alice, or I would drag your sorry asses back to our apartment right now for an education."

Edward cleared his throat. "Well, I'm up for it," he said quietly.

I blinked, beyond shocked. And then I shocked myself even further by saying, "Sounds good to me."

Alice and Jasper were staring with equally dumbfounded expressions – mouth agape, eyes wide - Alice staring at Edward, Jasper at me.

I made a face at them both. Did they really think of us as such freaks?

_Well, they do have good reason to be surprised…weren't _you_?_

I ignored my mental voice. I could tell Edward was just as annoyed by Alice's reaction, and I gave him a small, understanding smile that he returned.

"Damn, I'm freezing my ass off out here. What would possess you to dress me in short sleeves in October, Tink?" I shivered. "Give me your keys, Jazz. I'm going to sit in the car."

I bit my bottom lip as Jasper fumbled for his keys. "Umm…you can follow us to our apartment, Edward?" It ended up being more of a question than I intended. I was still surprised that he'd want to spend time with me, and I guess I wanted to give him a way out, though I felt wretched at the thought that he might want to use it.

"Sounds good," he answered. It was amazing – and humiliating – how my mood soared when he confirmed he'd be there.

I took Jasper's keys and stalked off, annoyed with myself. I opened the door and flopped into the passenger seat, reaching over to turn the car on and the heat up while I locked the doors. I knew it would blow cold air for awhile, but I never could be patient with that. I flipped through the CDs in Jasper's changer, looking for something to fit my mood.

I gave a small smile when I heard Alice in Chains playing, and I skipped through the songs to "Them Bones," cranking the volume. I pressed myself against the seat and peered through the rain-spattered windshield to see Alice talking to Edward off to the side. She looked serious, whatever it was she was saying, and he looked both…exasperated and…fond? I couldn't quite decipher the second emotion. Finally, he shook his head and laughed at her before walking to his own car to wait.

I watched Alice return to Jasper, and he swept her up into a hug, pulling her nearly a foot off the ground. I grinned at them and then felt a pang of regret. Why couldn't I have something…normal…like that?

I sighed and shook my head. _Get the fuck over it. Might as well enjoy what you _can_ have._

I thought about what I could have, about Edward coming over to hang out and watch MST3K, and my smile returned that I would at least get to spend some more time with him.

Jasper finished telling Alice good night and headed over to the car. I unlocked the door for him, and he slid into the driver's seat, grinning at me with one eyebrow arched.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said in a singsong voice.

I narrowed my eyes. "If you've got something to say, Hale, spit it out."

He giggled. Yes, _giggled_. Then he sang, "Bella's got a boyfriend!"

I took inspiration from Alice and pinched him on the arm. Hard as I fucking could.

"Edward is asexual, remember? And I don't date. So this is as far from a date as you can get…got it?" I tried to make my voice menacing, but I was embarrassed to hear that I sounded more petulant.

Jasper kept one hand on the wheel as he rubbed his upper arm. "Dammit, that shit hurts! Yeah, yeah, I got it…" He peeked at me from the corner of his eye, and I saw a small grin on his face still.

"I invited him over because _no one_ should go without MST3K, and you know that's true. Speaking of, how the hell have you let Alice go without seeing it? Have you been too 'busy'?" I grinned, my voice full of innuendo.

Jasper laughed and said, "Something like that…" blushing lightly. He was turning into such a girl.

We continued teasing each other the whole way home, and it felt good to be alone with him again. It was getting to be more and more rare, though Alice's fashion shows and our anime nights gave us some time. As we bantered, I would occasionally catch sight of Edward's headlights in the side mirror, and my stomach would give an unfamiliar clench in response.

_I wonder what that's all about…_ I thought, but none of my voices had an answer. I guess we were all baffled by that one.

We pulled up at our apartment, both laughing, and headed inside. Once we were in the door, I told Jasper to entertain Edward because I was going to get out of Alice's torture devices. He chuckled.

Once in my room, I stripped out of my clothes, hanging the shirt up and tossing the jeans over the end of my bed. I thought for a moment but left the blue underwear and bra on. They weren't so bad, now that I'd gotten used to them.

I heard the front door open and Jasper's low voice greet Edward as I was trying to decide what to wear. I bit my lip, finally deciding to go ahead and put on my pajamas. I was going to treat Edward just like any of the rest of my guy friends, since that's what he was.

_No matter what I might want._

_God, could you _please_ just give it a rest for tonight? I'm so tired of arguing…_

I really didn't want to think about the implications of that particular conversation with myself, so I slipped into my plaid pajama pants and my favorite sleeping t-shirt – one I'd stolen from Jasper way back in middle school. I went into the bathroom and scrubbed my face, removing the mascara. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun before I skipped back out of my room.

There was no one in the living room, so I went down the hall to the kitchen, where I found Jasper getting a beer for Edward.

"Can you get me one of those?" I asked.

At the sound of my voice, Edward turned around and…froze. Like still as a fucking statue as he stared at me.

_Gah, how bad can I possibly look? I mean, I know this isn't the sexiest thing in the world, but I'm not _that_ hideous, am I?_

"Sure, here you go, Bells," Jasper said, handing me my beer with a slice of lime stuck in the top, just like I like it.

"Umm…thanks," I answered, breaking away from Edward's gaze to take a sip from my bottle.

Edward blinked and looked down, drinking from his own beer.

"So I guess it's time to get down to business…" I struggled to return to normalcy and rubbed my hands together grinning. "What would you suggest we watch, Jazz?"

"Well, I have to head to bed myself soon, so I won't be joining you," Jasper smirked at me. "But I'd say start with…"

He tilted his head to the side, thinking. "_Manos, the Hands of Fate_ and umm…_Santa Clause Conquers the Martians_."

Edward laughed as Jasper finished, and I glanced at him with a grin. "Oh, you haven't heard anything yet," I teased him. "You're in for a real treat."

"I'm counting on it," he smirked.

Jasper glanced between the two of us and grinned broadly. Tickling my ribs and making me squirm, he said, "You two have fun…be good." He winked at me. "I'm going to check my email and then go to bed. Alice is making me go to this fashion show tomorrow." He shook his head, a bewildered expression on his face as he wandered off to the sound of Edward and me laughing at him.

Taking another sip of my beer, I motioned for Edward to follow me and led him into the living room. I turned on a couple of lamps and turned the overhead off before wandering over to the racks of DVDs. Running my fingertip along the titles, I found the one I was looking for and pulled it out of the case, popping it into the DVD player. I grabbed the remote and turned to see Edward standing near the couch, apparently unsure of where to sit.

I sat down on one end of the couch and motioned him over before turning sideways to lean back against the arm, pulling my feet up on the cushion beside me. I took the afghan from the back of the couch and spread it out over my legs.

As I began flipping through the menu, I decided to try to explain MST3K to Edward. "Alright, so the basic premise is that this guy, Joel, and his robots – Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo – are trapped on a satellite. This evil scientist forces them to watch B-movies, and to help save their sanity, they spend the entire movie making fun of it."

Finally landing on the episode I wanted to watch, I glanced over at Edward to see he was watching me with an amused grin. I hit play, blushing lightly, and returned the smile.

"I know it sounds weird, but trust me, it's hilarious."

With a knowing smile, Edward said, "Ahh…so _that's_ why you kept laughing tonight. You were imagining what they'd say during the movie?"

I blushed further and grinned, nodding. Then I turned my attention back to the screen as the movie started, giggling as I listened to Crow say, "Yes, it's Manos, the Hands of Fate…" over and over.

I couldn't help but wonder what Edward would think of MST3K…and…me…


	7. First Sight

**A/N:** Still don't own them. Damn it all.

Also don't own MST3K or any other awesomeness mentioned.

Oh, and _Space Mutiny_ is for enterprisealien and everyone else who shares my love for all things MST3K.

----------

**EPOV**

I was beyond exhausted, yet I couldn't help but smile stupidly every time I glanced over at Bella sitting at the other end of the couch. Neither of us had gotten up in hours. Our beer bottles were sitting empty on the floor, and I could tell my muscles would ache from the inactivity when I finally moved.

It would be well worth it.

Bella yawned lightly, her eyes still trained on the TV with a silly grin on her face. I'd lost track of which particular movie we were on now, but she had been absolutely right – this shit was hilarious.

When I could pay attention to it.

I'd spent most of the night surreptitiously glancing at Bella, smiling whenever she giggled at the movie. I'd thought I was attracted to her when I saw her approaching me at Alice's side at the movie theater. I'd believed I was smitten with her when I stood in line at the concession stand talking to her about books.

That was nothing compared to how I'd felt since then. I now _knew_ I was without a doubt attracted and smitten and enchanted and enamored. All with a girl I'd known for less than twelve hours.

And I couldn't even hint that I was any of those things, or it would all be over. I'd have to leave, possibly to never see her again.

It was maddening.

I fought the urge to sigh, afraid she would take it as boredom.

Unfortunately, I was starting to hit that point where my eyes were closing of their own accord, and I kept blinking rapidly. I really would have to leave soon or risk passing out on her couch. Not that I would object to staying with Bella longer, but somehow, I didn't think that sleeping here would go well with the whole don't-let-her-know-how-I-feel thing. Especially since I wouldn't be able to control certain…_reactions_ of my body that had been betraying me all night.

I blinked slowly as I heard Jasper's door opening down the hall. I glanced at the clock on the mantle, startled to realize that I'd actually known Bella _over_ twelve hours – it was 8:00 a.m.

Jasper wandered into the living room, bleary-eyed and yawning. He scratched the back of his head and grinned at Bella.

"What are you still doing awake, Miss Swan?" he teased, his voice thick with sleep. "Don't you know it's improper to have a gentleman caller at this hour?"

Bella rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at him, laughing. Jasper dodged it and darted at her, tickling her and making her squeal.

I fought hard to keep the frown off my face. It was stupid to be upset that he was touching her - she didn't belong to me. I still wanted to jump up and pull him off of her. I seemed to be fighting my instincts a lot tonight. Today?

He flopped down on the couch between us, smiling at me before throwing his head back on the back of the sofa and sighing.

"Why the _fuck_ am I up at 8:00 to go to a fashion show?!" he groaned.

"Because you _love_ Alice, and you want to _marry _her," Bella teased in a singsong voice.

Jasper didn't answer. He just sat staring at the ceiling - and he was blushing, I noted with a grin. _Maybe he really is as crazy about Ali as she is about him._ The thought gave me hope.

Finally lifting his head, Jasper studied the TV just as the end credits started to roll. "One of the Mike ones? _Space Mutiny_?" he asked, and Bella nodded.

"We've watched…" Bella trailed off and glanced at me. "God, I don't even remember any more." She giggled, a little dazed and confused from her lack of sleep.

_She is so fucking adorable._

"We've watched a lot though. I think I hit the major stuff." Bella pulled her hair down out of its messy bun, letting it fall over her shoulders as she ran her fingers through it. I tried not to stare as she stretched both arms over her head, arching her back.

We all sat in comfortable silence for a minute before Jasper groaned and heaved himself up off the couch. "I better go get a shower. Don't want to be late…you know how well Alice handles that."

Bella grinned and nodded at him.

As he was heading back down the hall, he glanced over his shoulder and said, "Trumpy, you can do _magic _things!"

Bella promptly answered, "It's called evil, kid."

Then her eyes flew wide, and she said, "Fuck!"

I blinked, confused as to what the problem was. My brain seemed to be fuzzy – whether from the lack of sleep or Bella's proximity or a combination of the two, I wasn't sure.

"Dammit, you haven't seen _Pod People_ yet!" she grumbled and thought for a minute. "Well, I guess you'll just have to come back! There's no way I can make it through another one right now." She smiled apologetically and then bit her bottom lip gently, suddenly looking shy. "That is…if you want to."

She blushed and looked down.

_If I want to come back? As if there's any question…?_

Instead of gaping incredulously, I just smiled and said, "Sounds good to me – you were right; this stuff is hilarious."

She smiled, still biting her bottom lip, and I stared for a moment before I realized that that was a really bad idea. I shook myself, and I knew that with the way my brain was fading in and out, I'd say or do something I would regret if I stayed any longer.

So I stood, stretching my arms over my head as I twisted this way and that, working out the kinks in my muscles that had nearly petrified from sitting still so long. With a groan, I lowered my arms and glanced down at Bella, who was just standing a little unsteadily. Her movements were stilted and a little clumsy from her exhaustion, and it made me smile. I wanted to reach out and steady her, but I kept my hands carefully at my side.

"I guess I really should be getting home," I said, trying to keep the reluctance out of my voice.

She looked…petulant, almost, at my words, and I smiled in response.

"Whenever you decide you're up for more MST3K, just let me know," she answered, grinning with a very faint blush across her cheekbones.

"I'll definitely take you up on that." Silently, I wondered how long I'd have to wait before I could see her again so that it would seem casual and friendly. "Thanks for inviting me over. It was a lot of fun." That seemed like the understatement of the year. It was more than fun – it was fantastic, amazing, intoxicating…just being in her presence.

"Thanks for coming," Bella smiled genuinely and started walking toward the hall. Once there, she paused and motioned me ahead of her. We walked silently to the front door. I opened it and stepped outside into the bright morning sunshine. For once, it wasn't cloudy or foggy, and the glare actually hurt my eyes. I turned back to say goodbye, and I saw Bella leaning against the door frame, a sleepy smile on her face.

_I have never seen anything more beautiful. She is a Bella in truth._

It took everything I had not to reach out and touch her – squeeze her hand, hug her…

_Kiss her…_ a small voice added.

_Not helping._

The night had been so easy and comfortable, but there was a weirdness now as we tried to say goodbye. I wondered if Bella might possibly want me to stay as much as I wanted to, but I knew that this was all one-sided. It had to be.

Finally, I sighed and said, "Well, I guess I can get your number from Alice? For the MST3K, I mean?" _Ugh, stupid ass…_

Bella just smiled and nodded, yawning lightly as she pushed herself away from the door. "It was really nice to meet you, Edward," she said, and something in me fluttered when she said my name. I just loved the way it sounded coming from her.

_I am _such_ a girl. Maybe I should go for Emmett after all. _I mentally snickered, and I'm sure I smirked as well.

I softened my smile and said, "It was really nice to meet you too, Bella. I'm sorry I kept you up so late…go get some rest."

"I had fun, and I think it's more like _I_ kept _you_ up." _You have no idea,_ I thought.

She smiled softly and bit her bottom lip, once again causing my eyes to focus on her lips, where they should not be. I sighed quietly and waved, turning to walk to my car.

As I buckled my seatbelt and turned the key, I noticed Bella was still standing in the doorway, watching me. The sight of her there made me a little giddy, and I waved again before backing out.

I flipped through my CDs, finding the same one I'd heard her listening to from Jasper's car last night. As "Them Bones" blasted through the speakers, I let my thoughts drift back to last night, reliving every moment with a quiet smile.

----------

I pulled up to the theater just before 7:30. Alice always lays into me if I'm late, and I really didn't feel like a fight tonight. I started scanning the faces of the people milling about on the sidewalk, looking for Alice.

"Edward?" I heard a male voice call my name, and my head turned automatically. I saw my sister's boyfriend, Jasper, walking toward me with a smile. I'd never actually met Jasper, but Alice had shown me countless pictures of her _gorgeous, amazing, perfect_ boyfriend – and obviously, she must have shown him pictures of me.

I smiled and stepped toward him, holding out my hand. "Jasper? It's nice to meet you. Alice has told me so much about you."

_More like she won't shut the fuck up about you_. I smirked to myself.

Jasper shook my hand, and I noticed he was alone. "Where are the girls?" I asked.

Jasper grinned. "Oh, I told them I'd have to meet them here. I had to work late. They should be here by now, but Alice is spending the afternoon 'helping' Bella get ready." Jasper had a mischievous gleam in his eyes, and I had to chuckle. Poor Bella. Alice used to try that shit on me.

We talked for a few minutes more, and I was surprised and happy to note that he was both easy to talk to and interesting. Some of Alice's boyfriends in the past had been neither.

I glanced to the left and spotted Alice, smiling at her as she skipped toward us. Realizing this Bella should be close, I let my eyes continue roaming, and they fell on the girl holding Alice's hand and walking toward us with a smile.

_Oh. My…_

_Fuck._

My mind blanked for a second as I tried to take in the sight of Bella, and I'm sure I was staring like an idiot, but I honestly couldn't help myself. She was…stunning. There was no other word. Alice had done her a disservice by calling her pretty.

My body reacted instantly, and I was _so_ relieved I'd left my shirt untucked. Otherwise, my reaction would have been…painfully obvious to everyone. As it was, it was only painful to me, straining against the fabric of my jeans.

I noticed her face fall as I just stared, and I dimly wondered what that was about, but I couldn't control the slow, wide smile that spread on my lips. My cheeks ached with the effort, and I couldn't tear my eyes away until I heard Jasper's low voice say, "Damn, Bells!" before he whistled.

Bella hit Jasper, muttering something and reminding me instantly that this was _Bella, _the one Alice had talked to me about so much. I had to keep that in mind, remind myself that I couldn't just fawn over her and treat her like a girl I was interested in. I had to be careful with Bella.

_And take what I can get._

Bella raised her voice, saying, "Sorry we're late…blame Tinkerbell here." And I burst out laughing. The name was _too_ perfect! I'd gotten in trouble all the time as a kid because I teased Alice, calling her a pixie. She hated it, and she went blabbing to Mom every time. But there was nothing she could do to Bella. _Ha._

_Fuck!_ There was still something she could do to _me_, though. Alice pinched the shit out of me, and I twisted away, still laughing as I cursed.

I tried to control myself. I really did. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Alice hugging Jasper, and Bella was watching them. She had the sweetest smile on her face, though she looked a little melancholy too, and I wanted to ask her why. I _knew_ I should look at them too, but I…couldn't. It was like I was physically incapable of looking away from Bella for more than a second.

Bella noticed me watching her and blushed, heightening her beauty even further.

_I'm really going to have to get that under control, or I'm going to fuck everything up. Alice would never speak to me again._

_And…neither would Bella._

That thought sobered me up quickly, and I resolved to stop staring, stop thinking of Bella as anything more than Jasper's roommate and Alice's friend.

Yeah, that lasted five seconds.

Right up until Jasper said, "Bells, this is Alice's brother Edward – Edward, my best friend Bella."

She stepped toward me, hand outstretched. _Beautiful_, I thought.

Only I didn't just think it.

_Oh fucking hell, I did _not_ just say that shit, did I?_

_You sure as fuck did. Nice move, jackass._

I watched, horrified, as Bella's had dropped and the smile slid from her face. "What?" she said flatly.

My brain scrambled, trying to find the words that would make this okay. I could _not_ ruin this evening. "Oh ah, I was just saying 'Bella' means 'beautiful', right? In Italian?" _So smooth_, I berated myself.

It just got worse, as Bella blushed furiously and finally said, "I guess it's a good thing my parents named me Isabella then – would hate to misrepresent 'Bella'."

I groaned internally, frustrated with myself for making her so uncomfortable. I shot an apologetic look to Alice, who was frowning at me.

Deciding maybe it would help if I didn't actually look at Bella, I turned my attention to Jasper, who said, "So Alice tells me you're in med school?" He glanced at Bella, and I could tell he was worried about how she was handling all of this. It just made me feel like an even bigger asshole, and I resolved not to make any more mistakes tonight.

"Yeah, I go to the University of Washington School of Medicine," I smiled at Jasper, carefully keeping my eyes away from Bella's face.

"Have any ideas about your specialty yet?" he asked, weaving his fingers through Alice's. I had to grin when I noticed that she was so short, she had to reach up to hold his hand.

Noticing these little things helped clear my mind, giving me a much needed reprieve. I shook my head, saying, "Not really. I'm considering sports medicine, but I haven't made a decision yet."

"That's cool," Jasper answered. "I think it would probably be a lot more interesting than, say, podiatry." He smirked. "Bella and I are both TAs at U Dub."

_Fucking A._

As soon as he said her name, my eyes involuntarily slid to Bella and once again froze there. She jumped and blushed, and I winced internally, wondering if it was because I kept staring at her.

I'm such a monster. I can't even manage to not leer at a girl when I _know_ she has problems with men.

But then she smiled genuinely and said, "I work in the English department, and Jasper's a history buff."

She liked literature? Hell. She really was sent here to torment me. _Oh, look, Edward! Everything you want, plus the things you didn't know to ask for…but you can't touch!_

I repressed a sigh. With a Herculean effort, I pushed all of that shit to the side and truly resolved to focus only on what Bella was saying, and not on what she made me feel. The feelings were just so strong, so hard to ignore – it had been so long since I'd felt anything even _close_ to this.

"English, huh?" I smiled. "I'm an avid reader myself. Is there a particular period you're interested in?"

Something in her seemed to relax finally, and when Bella spoke again, it was by far the most I'd heard her say at once. She was animated and at ease, and she was really almost babbling. "Well, I was always focused on the English Renaissance – particularly John Donne – but Dr. Hendricks recently turned me on to William Faulkner, and now I have this strange fascination with Southern Lit and American Studies too. My thesis is on Donne's treatment of women, though – even though some of his poems seem to have misogynistic themes, I really think he gets a bad rap that he doesn't deserve…well, doesn't _always_ deserve anyway."

Before I could stop myself, I heard the words spill from my mouth. "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name."

_Good fucking god_. I really was intent on just fucking up tonight. How could I quote a poem about love to _Bella_?

Confirming my fears that I'd messed up yet again, Bella just stared at me blankly. I panicked, unsure if she was blank because I was wrong and Donne didn't write that poem, or if I'd made her so uncomfortable that she didn't even know what to say.

I asked, "That's him, right? I was sure he wrote 'Air and Angels'…" and tried to remember, desperate to figure out if I'd offended her or if I was just an idiot.

_You're a fucking idiot either way._

_True._

She stared at me a beat longer and was about to speak when Alice whined about missing the previews. I sighed and turned to follow Alice, at a loss as to how to fix this in the theater where we couldn't even talk. Of course, it was turning out to be better when I _didn't_ talk. I felt…dejected.

I heard Bella say she was going to get popcorn and smiled when I heard her threaten Jasper. I realized I'd stopped and was standing on the sidewalk while Alice and Jasper continued inside without ever having made a conscious decision to stay.

Bella turned, saw I was standing there, and smiled up at me, saying, "What about you? Want me to get you anything?" I noticed she sounded more comfortable all of a sudden and, while I wondered what caused the change, I was thankful.

"I'll come with you," I said, anxious to try to form some semblance of a normal friendship with Bella.

_Since that's all I can have_, a part of me moped internally.

A smile fluttered at Bella's lips and she turned to move inside. My hand rose of its own accord, and I nearly put it on the small of her back before I caught myself, my eyes flying wide. I stepped away from her quickly and carefully, not trusting myself to stay close and not touch her.

As we moved into the line, she turned to talk to me, asking me about my interest in John Donne. This was a subject that was easy for me to talk about, and thankfully, it kept my mind occupied. Before long, I was talking to Bella comfortably, our conversation absorbing my attention entirely – which was both good and bad. Good because it meant I didn't have to force myself as much to keep my mind on the topic and not on Bella's face…bad because it meant that I kept unconsciously trying to reach out and touch her. It almost seemed as if Bella were having the same problem, but I was sure that was just wishful thinking on my part.

I was amazed at how well-read Bella was. She wove Greek gods, William Blake, Neil Gaiman, and Jane Austen into a coherent conversation, tying everything together with unique, sometimes stunning, observations that both gave me pause and stimulated new avenues of thought for me. She blew me away.

I found myself talking to her about my fascination with the metaphysical philosophy of John Donne. As a teenager, I had been drawn to his more profane, racy works, but as I grew, my understanding of his other poems had grown as well, and I'd truly developed an interest in him as a person. John Milton was definitely my favorite figure of the Renaissance, though, and we debated the merits of each for awhile.

I was pleased to see that Bella seemed relaxed and smiled a lot, but she would occasionally cringe away if I – or someone else in line – got too close. She looked around constantly, and I wasn't even sure if she was aware she did either. I felt a slow, burning anger at whatever had caused this caution in her.

There was only one pause in our conversation in line. We were discussing Kurt Vonnegut, and I was explaining to her why I thought that _Sirens of Titan_ was a much better novel than _Slaughterhouse-Five_ when she suddenly just…froze. And her face fell.

I waited for her to speak, trying to figure out what in the world could be so sad about either book. Finally unable to take not knowing what she was thinking, I asked, as softly as I could, "What's wrong, Bella?"

She blinked, and stammered that it was nothing and that she'd just spaced – I didn't buy it. At all. But she didn't say anything more, just turned to the counter to place her order. I started to pull out my wallet, my mind lost in thoughts of what could be wrong with her, when I frowned, realizing that I was _not_ on a date with Bella, and paying for her snack probably wouldn't go over well. So I put my wallet back with a sigh.

I stepped up and ordered a Coke for myself – more to make Bella comfortable than anything else. Once I'd paid for it, I picked up both our drinks – _Friends can do that, right?_ - and smiled down at her, saying, "Shall we?"

She motioned for me to go first, so I led the way to the theater, stopping to hold the door open for her with my foot. Once inside, she found Jasper and Alice. I wanted to leave the seating arrangements to her, though part of me was hoping she would ask me to sit beside her. It was silly and sort of elementary school-ish. And it was also futile.

She made her way to Jasper and sat down, simply taking her drink from me with a smile. I returned the smile and made my way around to sit by Alice.

Alice had been allowed to choose the movie, and I groaned internally, knowing it would be bad. I settled back in my seat, letting my mind wander, as I watched the pictures flash across the screen.

I noticed after awhile that I kept hearing Bella laugh at really strange parts. The rest of the theater would be silent, and she'd be giggling like something was hilarious. I glanced over, wondering if maybe she'd snuck an iPod in and was watching something else, but her eyes were trained on the screen, her hand holding popcorn paused halfway to her mouth as she laughed.

After a little while, Jasper began laughing at the same parts she was, and I was amused, trying to figure out what was so funny to the two of them. I was even more amused to realize that Alice was growing livid. Her hands were balling into tiny fists, and she occasionally flashed a glare toward Bella and Jasper.

Just when I thought Alice was about to hiss at them, I heard a loud -smack-, and Bella's voice said, "Back off my popcorn, bitch! I told you to get your own!" That did it for me, and I burst out laughing. Alice unleashed her full fairy fury on me, hitting me with all the expertise of a little sister with years of practice. I kept snickering, though, unable to stop the laughter, especially when Bella _snorted_.

I managed to calm myself enough to get Alice off my back, and I decided to figure out what, exactly, Bella and Jasper were laughing at. I never did quite get it, but I did begin anticipating what would set them off. It seemed to be the more inane lines and the technical problems with the movie. Before long, I was laughing with them.

When the movie ended, we all stood and followed Bella out. I noticed that even though it was Jasper following her, she kept glancing over her shoulder. Her eyes seemed to be slightly panicked. I frowned to myself, wondering if I had made her uncomfortable earlier by making her lead the way to our seats.

I was still lost in these dark thoughts as we exited the theater. Bella stopped under the awning and turned, her hands jammed in her pockets. It was really cold out now, and I mentally cursed Alice for putting her in that thin, short sleeved blouse. I wished my coat wasn't in the car, and I wished even more that I would be able to offer it to her if I had it. I jammed my own hands in my pockets and scowled.

Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice, keeping her warm, and the sight made me more frustrated. Bella shivered as she asked, "So what's the plan now, Tink?"

I half-smiled, knowing Alice was always one to drag people around all night, doing whatever struck her fancy. She let me down, though, when she said she had to work early the next day and would be going home to go to bed. I did notice that Bella's face fell slightly, and a part of me rejoiced that I had at least not been so horrible that she was ready to run away.

Still, knowing Alice was leaving meant I would have to leave Bella already. I knew she wouldn't want to be around me without a group, so she and Jasper would probably head home to play their game or whatever. I was disappointed.

Bella began teasing Alice about the horrible movie we'd just seen, and I had the satisfaction of watching Bella's eyes pop when Jasper tried to defend it. But then she said something I didn't understand at all.

In an incredulous voice, Bella said, "Oh come on, Jazz! That was worthy of Tom Servo, and you know it!"

_Who the hell is Tom Servo?_

Jasper already knew, and I was frustrated again by the level of comfort and familiarity between the two of them. I didn't have a problem with their being friends, but _I_ wanted to know Bella as well. I wanted her to be comfortable around me, too.

Grumbling to myself, I heard Jasper say, ""You know, that movie was strong enough for a Manos."

And Bella answered, "But made for a Womanos."

They were making no sense at all, and I exchanged a bewildered look with Alice, who shrugged her small shoulders and frowned up at Jasper.

Bella raised her eyebrows at Jasper and berated him for not educating Alice on something called _Mystery Science Theater 3000_. It sounded like a bad B-movie.

I didn't quite follow what was going on, but my ears perked up when I heard Bella say, "It's too bad you have to work in the morning, Alice, or I would drag your sorry asses back to our apartment right now for an education."

_Here's your chance, dumbass!_

_Yeah, but…what if she…doesn't want me around?_

_Well, that's her decision…but you need to stop being such a pussy and just put yourself out there._

I quickly decided the worst she could do is say no or that we'd wait for another time when Alice could be there, so I cleared my throat and in a quiet voice, I spoke up. "Well, I'm up for it."

I waited, holding my breath, as I looked down at the ground, waiting for her answer. When she finally spoke, my heart was pounding in my ribcage. "Sounds good to me," was all she said.

I chanced looking up at her to find she was watching me with a slightly confused expression. Then I noticed that Jasper and Alice were staring at us, gaping, like they had just witnessed a man giving birth or something equally as earth-shattering.

I rolled my eyes and glanced at Bella, surprised and happy to see that she was giving me a small, understanding smile. I returned it.

_See, she gets it._

After holding my gaze for a moment, Bella shivered and said, "Damn, I'm freezing my ass off out here. What would possess you to dress me in short sleeves in October, Tink? Give me your keys, Jazz. I'm going to sit in the car."

She bit her bottom lip and looked up at me shyly. "Umm…you can follow us to our apartment, Edward?"

I winced internally at the question in her voice. Maybe she'd just been too polite to turn me down when I said I'd go with her. But I was too selfish to back out now just to make her more comfortable.

"Sounds good," I answered, and I cursed myself for not being stronger.

I watched her snatch Jasper's keys from his hand and stalk off. She slammed the door, and I nearly told Jasper to tell Bella I was tired and going home, and we could do this some other time.

As I was standing there, anguished and trying to do the right thing, I saw Bella smile to herself, and a part of me relaxed. I heard something blaring through the speakers, and I finally realized it was "Them Bones."

_Damn, she likes Alice in Chains?_

_She is _so_ perfect._ My inner girl was showing.

I felt claws digging in to my forearm and looked down to see Alice pulling at me, dragging me to the side. Her face was furious.

"Edward!" she hissed. "What are you doing?"

I frowned down at her. "I'm going to hang out with Bella and Jasper and figure out this MST3K stuff. Why? What's your problem?"

"I already told you! You can't just…just…treat Bella…" she sputtered, too angry to form coherent sentences.

"What? Just treat Bella…like a friend? Like someone I want to hang out with?" I smirked down at her. "Ali, you're being ridiculous."

"Oh, I'm being ridiculous, am I?" She peered up at me, and her gray eyes grew wide and caring. "Edward…please…just please promise me you won't do anything stupid…"

"Alice," my voice held a hint of reproach. "Look, this is me. I don't date, and neither does Bella. I would never hurt her. If you weren't working so early, we would both be going back over there to hang out with Bella and Jasper. There's nothing else going on here. I like both of them. You were right – Jasper's cool and Bella's smart and funny and easy to talk to."

_And beautiful…_

I wisely kept that part to myself.

Alice peered up at me, a slight frown to her lips. "You didn't promise," she accused.

I sighed. "Alice, I promise I won't do anything stupid."

_On purpose_, I amended to myself.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get out of this freezing rain," I started to walk away, but she stopped me with a gentle hand on my arm.

"Please, Edward…I love her," she said.

I looked down at her, exasperated, and I had to chuckle at her expression. "I'll keep that in mind," I promised. I shook my head and walked away, going to my car.

I waited while Jasper and Alice said goodbye, taking the time to examine how they acted together. As I thought through the night, I was relieved to note that there was no sexual tension whatsoever between Bella and Jasper.

_Though there's plenty between Jasper and Alice. Ugh, gross._

Finally, the two of them managed to get their hands off each other, and I smiled as Jasper walked Alice to her car, making sure she was safely inside before he waved and headed back over to his own car with Bella inside. They pulled away, and I followed.

As I drove, I watched them in the glow of my headlights. They carried on an enthusiastic conversation, and I noticed that Bella talked with her hands a lot. She also hit Jasper. A lot. I didn't know if this was something Bella did often, or just something she did to Jasper often.

I wondered what it would be like to have Bella be so carefree with me. Able to touch me and talk to me and smile at me…

I sighed with longing.

We pulled up at the apartment, and Bella and Jasper went inside as I was parking. I headed to the door, nervous and more than a little excited that I would be spending more time with Bella. I wondered if Jasper would be staying up with us. I knew it would make Bella more comfortable, but a large part of me felt…possessive. I wanted her to myself.

When I knocked, it was Jasper who answered, flashing me a smile as he led me into the kitchen. He asked if I wanted something to drink, and we were both just opening our beers when I heard Bella's voice sing, "Can you get me one of those?"

I turned around, a smile on my face, and then I…froze. Completely and utterly still. I don't think I was even breathing.

The sight that greeted me was without a doubt the most beautiful I'd ever seen. I mean, in theory, it was just a girl in pajamas. In reality…

_Fucking. Hell._

Bella was wearing plaid flannel pants, and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun at the base of her neck. She'd scrubbed her face, leaving her cheeks a light pink, and I was mesmerized by the way her chocolate eyes were even more enchanting than they had been with Alice's makeup. Her neck was slender, and I felt an almost irresistible urge to run my lips along it, inhaling the intoxicating scent of freesia she suddenly carried. She looked so delicious.

But her shirt…her shirt might be the sexiest fucking thing I'd ever seen in my life. It was a thin dark gray T-shirt with long lighter gray sleeves, and it clung to her, revealing every curve. But the best part was - it was an old Uncanny X-Men shirt. Seeing this stunningly beautiful creature in a superhero shirt nearly did me in, and I was glad for the second time that night that my own shirt was untucked to hide my sudden not-so-little problem.

_Bella likes comics!_ The little boy in me was giddy with my luck. I couldn't wait to talk to her about comic books. They'd always been a guilty pleasure of mine, one that neither Alice nor Emmett understood. I had quite a collection, and it seemed that this might be something else Bella and I had in common.

As Jasper handed Bella her beer, and she mumbled her thanks and looked down, I blinked and forced my eyes to the floor. My body was revolting against my mind, screaming at me to go to Bella, take her in my arms, and kiss her senseless. I took a shaky breath, keeping my distance, and was nearly undone when I heard Bella say, "So I guess it's time to get down to business…" I felt myself harden further at the subtle innuendo of her words, of which she was completely unaware.

My eyes widened, and I bought myself some time by taking a long drink of my beer as Bella and Jasper decided what we would watch. When Jasper said, "_Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,"_ something about the silliness broke through the fog of lust I was feeling, and I was able to laugh.

Bella grinned at me. "Oh, you haven't heard anything yet," she teased. "You're in for a real treat."

I nearly groaned. Was she trying to torment me? Or was I just such a shameless monster that I was hearing innuendo in everything she said because it was what I _wanted_ to hear from her?

Jasper told us good night and wandered away to the sound of Bella and me laughing at him about the fashion show Alice was forcing him to attend. Bella led me into the living room, where I was again faced with the dilemma of the seating arrangements. The couch was centered in front of the TV, and there was a recliner off to the side. I didn't know where Bella would want to sit, so I stood in the middle of the room, undecided when she finally turned around after popping the DVD into the player.

Bella went to sit on one end of the couch and motioned me over. I started toward the couch with a smile that faded when she pulled the afghan across her legs and curled up defensively into a ball. It was just like at the theater, with her cringing away when someone got too close. It was then that I resolved to watch the two movies she had planned and then excuse myself. I didn't want her to spend the whole night uncomfortable because of me.

We talked for a few minutes while Bella explained the show's premise to me. It sounded…odd, honestly. But if it was funny to Bella, I wanted to see it. As the movie started, we both turned our eyes to the screen, though my attention was mostly focused on the woman sitting a few feet away. I saw enough of the movie to notice that she was right – it really was hilarious – but I caught myself looking over at her often, giving her small smiles. And…my heart swelled with hope that I tried to quash when I noticed that she was looking at me each time.

Midway through _Manos, the Hands of Fate_, I felt Bella stretch out, and the bottoms of her feet brushed my outer thigh. I held my breath for a moment, carefully not looking at her. My hand twitched, wanting to reach over and rest on Bella's shin, but I kept myself under control. After a moment, I felt sure enough of my restraint to look over and give her a small smile.

Through most of the movie, we chuckled and exchanged smiles, but for some reason, I burst out laughing when the Master's wife in the movie said, "Your powers fail you!" and the yellow robot – Crow, I think? - said, "You know what she's _really_ saying." I glanced over and Bella was watching me with a wide, amused grin. That made me laugh harder, and before long, I swear I was actually _giggling_. Bella joined in, and we missed a good twenty minutes of the movie just laughing stupidly together. It felt…_right_.

When the movie ended, Bella switched smoothly to the second one, arching an eyebrow at me and asking, "So…what do you think?"

I grinned at her and said, "Do you really have to ask?"

I was stunned to see that her expression was…_flirtatious_. There was no other way to describe it. Her chin was lowered, and she was looking up at me through her lashes, her eyes wide. A small smirk was on her lips, which were slightly parted.

_Fuck. Me._

I wanted her so badly in that moment that I almost attacked her right there on the couch.

I instantly felt appalled at the way I was viewing Bella. But…it had been a year and a half, and I was sitting mere feet away from the sexiest woman I had ever seen, and I could feel the heat from her feet radiating against my thigh. I was thankful that she had no idea what I was thinking, and I quickly tried to distract myself by facing the TV and rejoining the conversation.

"I don't usually giggle like that," I smirked at the TV screen. "So I think it's safe to say that I like it."

Bella laughed lightly and started the second movie, stretching her arms over her head and then settling in more comfortably. Her new position left her feet pressing slightly harder into my thigh, and I was glad to see that she seemed to be comfortable around me right now. I didn't know if it would last beyond tonight sitting here on the couch, but it felt like…progress.

I just hoped I wasn't progressing right into another Jasper. As much as I wanted to be in Bella's life, I didn't want…just that. I wanted more. I wanted her. I wanted it all.

We lost ourselves in the movie again – well, more accurately, Bella lost herself in the movie, while I spent the time trying not to stare at her – and when it was over, she surprised me by saying, "So…you up for another one?"

I had been planning to go home, but I quickly nodded, jumping at the opportunity to stay with her as long as possible. I just couldn't seem to get enough of studying her – listening to her laugh, her voice, looking at her face, her eyes, her lips, her slender wrists, her graceful neck, inhaling the subtle fragrance of freesia…it was all so intoxicating and new. I had never felt this sort of attraction to anyone. Ever. It spanned all levels, and it made me ache with want.

Bella smiled and hopped up off the couch, a few tendrils of hair working their way free of her bun as she stretched up on the balls of her feet. She asked me if I wanted another beer, pointed the way to the bathroom, and told me she'd meet me back here in a few minutes.

When we were both refreshed, we settled back on the couch, and Bella started another movie. And so the night past this way, with the two of us laughing and occasionally commenting on the movie, but nothing deeper. It was really nice to just be able to sit with Bella and enjoy her presence, but I could already tell that I wanted more. Since I couldn't _have_ more, I sat back, relaxed as much as I could, and just reveled in the quiet perfection that was my Bella.

_My Bella?!_ My inner voice screeched at me, sounding suspiciously like Alice.

_Seriously, where the fuck did that come from?_

I merely shrugged internally. I don't know where it came from, but I sure as hell liked the sound of it. I only hoped that someday, it might be true.

--------

I blinked when I realized I had almost passed the parking lot to my apartment complex. I was so tired I felt drugged.

_Driving under the influence of Bella is dangerous_. I snorted; even my inner voice was cheesy and dazed right now.

I made my way to my door, grimacing at the glaring sun as I fumbled with my keys. Once inside, I dropped the keys on the counter and went straight to the spare bedroom, which served as my office. Staring at the bookshelf, I muttered to myself, running my fingers along the spines of my books until I came to the one I wanted.

Pulling _John Donne: The Major Works_ down, I flipped through to the index, looking for "Air and Angels." I sighed when I found it. I turned to page 101, already knowing what I would find there.

I groaned loudly as I read:

_Twice or thrice had I loved thee,_

_Before I knew thy face or name;_

_So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame,_

_Angels affect us oft, and worshipped be_

I snapped the book shut and dropped it onto my desk, not wanting to read more as I raked my fingers through my hair and plopped down into my desk chair.

She had known. Of course she had. And she would know the meaning as well. How could I be such an idiot?

_It's a natural talent for you._

I yawned, my jaws creaking, and I turned toward my computer to email Emmett, snorting again at his email address.

_From: Cullen42_

_To: HotLoveMonkey_

_Em –_

_I just got home from Bella and Jasper's. No way am I making the workout today. But I really have to talk to you. Can we meet at the bar at 6:00?_

_-E_

I shook my head at my stupidity and clicked off the monitor before wandering down the hall. I managed to kick off my shoes and pull my shirt over my head before I fell into bed and passed out, still in my jeans.


	8. Air and Angels

**A/N:** I don't own anything that you might remotely recognize. Other people – like Stephenie Meyer - do.

Oh, and yay for breaking 3 digits in reviews! You guys rock.

This chapter is dedicated to the amazing AHelm for being awesome and her inspiration with helping Edward explain things to Emmett.

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**EPOV**

With a groan, I rolled over, wincing and trying to pry my eyes open. I'd fallen asleep face down on top of my covers, still in my jeans, and I could tell from the way my muscles had seized up that I'd been asleep for a long time – and I hadn't so much as twitched in all that time.

I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands, cringing at the gritty, gummy feeling that came from watching movies in my contacts for twelve hours straight and then sleeping in them. Finally managing to open my eyes, I sat up and looked around my room, blinking. Sunlight was streaming in weakly through the blinds, but I couldn't tell what time it was.

I pulled my pillow off my clock – I must've shoved it there when I'd passed out – and saw, to my surprise, that it was just before 5:00. I was supposed to meet Emmett in an hour, assuming he'd agreed. I knew he would, though. Emmett never passed up an opportunity to hang out, drink, and find someone to take home.

I blinked a few times, yawning, before I pushed myself off the bed. I left my shirt balled up on the floor and made my way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. I smiled quietly at the fragrance as my mind slowly awakened, and my smile broadened as I remembered my evening with Bella.

Before long, though, the serious complications I was facing on that front came to mind, and I frowned, heading back down the hall to check my email while the coffee brewed. Emmett had answered and, as always, made me laugh in disbelief.

_From: HotLoveMonkey_

_To: Cullen42_

_Don't tell me! Alice drug you into some freaky fetish orgy with Bella and Jasper, and it was such a religious experience that you've decided to acknowledge the feelings you really have for me? I knew it!_

_Yeah, we can meet at 6:00. Stay calm. Whatever you're freaking out about can't be that bad._

_And don't even try to tell me you're not fucking freaking out._

_-Em_

Shaking my head, I gave a short laugh before I stood again, realizing I'd have to hurry if I was going to be on time.

I started the shower to give the water time to warm up and went back into the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee and taking it with me. I didn't always like black coffee, but given the way my head was still fuzzy from the long night and the fact that I would soon be drinking with Emmett, it seemed like a good idea.

I sipped it as I made my way down the hall, cursing when I burned my tongue. Still holding my cup, I unfastened my jeans and let them fall to the floor, standing in my boxers and socks as I finished my coffee.

I grimaced at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot, and my face was creased from sleeping on it. I really needed a haircut. But then, I always need a haircut.

Placing my empty mug on the counter, I stripped and stepped into the shower, letting the steaming hot water do the work of relaxing my stiff muscles.

As I stood there, my mind drifted back to Bella, remembering my first sight of her, the sound of her laughter, the scent of freesia…that flirtatious luck.

_Fuck._

I was hard in an instant, just remembering the way she had looked at me. I exhaled roughly through my nose, biting my bottom lip in indecision. I couldn't decide if it would be better or worse to indulge myself in fantasies about Bella.

_It will just make it that much harder to control yourself around her, you know._

_Maybe…but she's the Fucking. Sexiest. Woman. I've. Ever. Seen._

_But is it really right to objectify her that way, especially with what you know?_

_I don't know shit. All I know is that I need a release._

_You're a disgusting, selfish bastard._

_But…maybe it will actually make it _easier_ to behave?_

Shaking my head, I decided to ignore the ridiculous argument and go with what felt right. And…what felt right at the moment was to take care of the raging hard on I'd been dealing with since I first saw Bella nearly 24 hours ago. I breathed one small sigh of self-loathing before I gave myself over to the memories of Bella from last night, weaving them into impossible fantasies as I turned to face the showerhead and took myself in hand.

I leaned forward, bracing myself against the wall with my left palm, my head hanging down as I bit my bottom lip and my breathing became more labored. I pictured Bella – the gentle curve of her neck where it met her shoulders, the way she bit her bottom lip and smiled up at me through her lashes, the succulent fragrance that seemed to envelop me every time she drew near…I didn't even get so far as imagining her actually _doing _anything. More quickly than I would have believed possible, I reached my release with a grunt, panting as I came down.

I blinked a few times and took a shaky breath before I felt ready to clean up. Grabbing my soap, I let the fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla clear my head, and I rushed to wash so I wouldn't be too late for meeting Emmett.

After washing my hair, I ran my fingers along my jaw, deciding not to shave. I'd just have to look scruffy today. I turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing my towel and drying quickly.

Wrapping the towel around my waist, I moved to the sink and took my contacts out, unable to take the uncomfortable gritty feeling any longer. I smirked as I slipped on my black-rimmed frames, wondering if I could look any worse right now. Even wet, my hair was standing up in all directions, I had about a day and a half's growth of beard on my chin, and – though my glasses were picked out by Alice and were what she called geek chic – I was wearing glasses instead of my usual contacts.

I shrugged and wandered through the doorway into my bedroom to get dressed. I thought for a minute and then, with a silly, self-indulgent smile, I went to my dresser and searched through the top drawer to find my X-Men t-shirt. I ran my fingers along the design, sighing softly as I remembered Bella in her shirt last night.

_Fuck, please don't even start thinking about that. Not yet._

I opened another drawer, pulling out a pair of boxers. Removing my towel, I began getting dressed, putting on the boxers and shirt before adding last night's jeans – I smirked as I thought of what Alice's reaction to that would be. I rummaged through my closet, finding my favorite deep green sweater.

Grabbing socks and my shoes, I made my way into the living room, noting that it was already 5:50, and I would definitely be late. I thought about calling Emmett, but he knew me well enough by now to know that – even though I would likely be late – I was coming.

My muscles were finally beginning to limber up, thankfully, and I sat on the couch to put on my socks and shoes. I paused for a minute, raking my fingers through my hair before sitting with my head in my hands, staring at the floor.

_What the fuck am I going to do?_

I waited, but there was no answer. _Fucking fantastic_.

Pushing myself off the couch, I grabbed my keys and my phone and headed out the door.

When I arrived at the bar, Emmett was sitting at our usual table, two bottles of beer waiting. He saw me as I came in the door and arched an eyebrow at my appearance, grinning.

As I sat down, he said, "I knew she kept you up all night with the hot fetish orgy!"

"Ugh, Em…you know that's incest, right?" I answered, grimacing as I took a drink from my bottle.

Emmett laughed. "I'm talking about a fetish orgy, and you're more worried that your sister might be part of it." He shook his head, laughing.

Being an only child, Emmett really didn't get the whole sister thing. It wasn't as disgusting a thought to him as it would be if he had a sister of his own.

"And it wasn't Alice who kept me up…" I trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

"Yes. I noticed in your email that you said you just got home from Bella and Jasper's…so…what were you doing there?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively. "_Please_ tell me the reason you look like you haven't slept in days is that you finally got laid."

I laughed bleakly and shook my head, staring straight ahead as I took a long drink of my beer, downing half of it in one pull. When I didn't say anything, I heard Emmett sigh.

"So what the fuck _did_ happen to you then? 'Cause you look like shit," Emmett said bluntly.

"Thanks, Em," I said quietly.

I swear I could _hear_ Emmett rolling his eyes. He exhaled loudly and stared at me until I finally looked up.

"What?" I asked.

This time I saw him roll his eyes.

"You. I haven't seen you this morose since the day I whipped your ass at head-to-head on _Guitar Hero 3_," he smirked.

Finally, I laughed. He'd beaten me when we were playing "One" because he shouldered into me and knocked me over. "That's what you call a victory, is it?"

He grinned broadly. "Not all of us are working with your natural talents. I have to win how I can." His smile faded. "Now, seriously…what the fuck is going on with you?"

I sighed and began peeling the label off my bottle. "So…I met Bella…"

He waited. When I didn't continue, he said, "Yeah, I got that much from the whole 'just-got-home-from-Bella-and-Japer's' thing."

When I looked up, he was staring at me pointedly with an eyebrow raised. I frowned, furrowing my brow. And suddenly, it just all spilled out. Every bit of it.

I told him about my first glimpse of Bella, the treacherous reaction of my body (he laughed at that, saying only _I_ would consider a hard on treachery), how funny Bella was, my screwing up by saying 'beautiful' aloud…in truth, my screwing up again and again. I described talking to Bella in line at the concession stand, her laughing during the movie at all the weirdest parts, how enchanting she was. Then I told him about the stranger, more depressing things – Bella looking over her shoulder even though Jasper was following her, the cringing away, the panicked look I saw in her eyes…and the way she curled up defensively on the couch. I even told him about the sight of Bella in the X-Men t-shirt and what it had done to me. He smirked at that. But in the end, I came back to that damn poem…

The poem had become a sticking point in my mind – my one major fuck up of the night. Everything else, I thought we could overlook or move past, but that…well, that had the potential for disaster.

I began by saying, "So, for some unknown reason, when she said she was interested in John Donne, I said the first thing that came to mind, which just so happened to be the worst thing I could possibly say."

He motioned with his hand for me to continue.

"There's this poem he wrote – 'Air and Angels'." I knew I'd have to give Emmett a bit of background. He was a math and science guy – poetry was generally lost on him. "And well, I quoted the first few lines to her." I actually _blushed_ telling Emmett this.

"And…?" he frowned at me. "So what? He's a poet, right? She likes him? Chicks like poetry." He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, he was a poet, and yes, she likes him. That's not the point."

Emmett finally grinned. "Ahh, I see…_this_ is what you're freaking out about, isn't it? Why the fuck is this such a big deal? What, exactly, did you say anyway?"

I sighed and looked down, staring at the wood patterns in the table. "I said…'Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name.'"

After a moment of absolute silence at our table, I glanced up to look at Emmett. His head was tilted to the right, and he was gazing upward. I snorted. "Need help with the 'thee' and 'thy'?" I smirked at him.

He muttered, "Asshole…I have an impressive vocabulary, but you know I never bothered with that Old English bullshit. Translation?"

I laughed, amused. "It's not Old English, dumbass." My mirth faded as quickly as it had come. "It means…" I sighed. "Roughly translated, it means 'Several times before I ever saw you or knew your name, I loved you already.'" I scowled at the table top.

Looking up finally, I saw Emmett sipping his beer with wide eyes. I waited, not speaking, as I watched his expression become thoughtful.

"Well…" he said, "maybe a little bit…overzealous…but I don't really see the crisis."

I raked my fingers through my hair, frowning as I thought over what to say. The problem was…I didn't think I _could_ explain this one. Not without explaining…well, everything. Why I had stopped taking random girls home. Why I had stopped pursuing women in general. Why Alice thought I was gay. Why I had been celibate for the past year and a half.

And…I would have to explain that this poem – this thing Emmett was so ready to dismiss – had been, in essence, my inspiration.

I sighed. Maybe I could get my point across without revealing everything. I might as well try. _And prepare for the incredulous stares and endless teasing._

Just as I was about to speak, Emmett stood. "I need to take a piss," he said. "Why don't you take a few minutes to err…collect yourself," he grinned, "and I'll be back with another round?"

I nodded mutely and watched him walk away, my mind already churning with what I needed to tell him.

At that fateful moment over a year and a half ago, I had been lost in my own self-disgust. When I returned home after trying to repair what damage I could to that poor girl's self-esteem, I had holed up in my apartment for several days, trying to make sense of my epiphany. As I thought through my problem, I began to understand myself a little better.

Of three things I became absolutely certain. First, I was not able to continue on as I had been, simply using girls for my own pleasure. Second, I had to find someone with whom I was completely compatible – someone who stimulated me not only physically but intellectually and emotionally too. And finally…I knew that someone was out there, and I was already unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

It was while I was in this frame of mind that I had entered my British Lit class a few weeks later and rediscovered John Donne. I was working on a research paper and, at the time, I'd chosen to focus on Milton's "Lycidas." But during that day's lecture, Dr. Crafton had hit upon "Air and Angels," which I had never read. As I listened to his recitation, I was struck with the perfection of that poem. When I first heard it, the meaning was not quite clear. I simply remember feeling a…a yearning, I guess, as I listened to it. Something within it spoke to me. I wanted to know more, hear it more, so that I could unravel its meaning.

As Dr. Crafton opened up the discussion, I listened as my classmates – mostly English majors with a lot more experience than I had – began dissecting it, arguing over different minor points. The basic meaning, though, became clear.

And it echoed exactly what I already knew.

So I threw myself into my research, learning everything I could about the poem, reading various interpretations, and reaching my own conclusions.

I remember quite clearly the moment the meaning had hit me – really hit me. I was already in bed, lying in my boxers beneath the sheets as I read by the light of my bedside lamp. I was exhausted and had finished reading the poem yet again, and I suddenly realized what the speaker was trying to say. Love, in its purest form, is not something attainable by humans. It has to assume a form that we recognize, that we relate to. And this speaker, lucky bastard that he is, had just found his Angel, the embodiment of purest love that will make him complete. As soon as he saw her, he knew it, without a doubt. That was the meaning of that opening couplet – "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name." _I have always loved you, without even knowing it was you I loved…_

I sighed, wrenching myself out of my memories and back to the present. When I had seen Bella, the very embodiment of the love I'd been searching for, I'd been unable to control what spilled out. And, at the time, I didn't even fully realize it myself. I'd thought it was just because she's mentioned Donne, but in truth, I would have been more likely to quote "The Canonization" or "The Flea" if that had been the case. I hadn't thought about the poem itself since I finished that paper nearly a year and a half ago. I had tried to let it go, believing that with my questionable past, I would never deserve that love, even if I _could_ find it.

One glimpse of her, though, and I had recognized the love I'd been seeking.

And I couldn't even tell her.

And I nearly ruined everything by blurting out the opening couplet of _that _poem, a poem she would undoubtedly know better even than I did.

And now I had to try to explain this shit to Emmett.

_Fuck._

I sighed and glanced up as he came back, keeping my head down and moving just my eyes. I really didn't think Emmett would get this if I put it in poetic terms, so I tried to come up with something that his brain could wrap around.

He slid a fresh beer in front of me, arching an eyebrow as he resumed his seat. "Now…what is this all about?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before I began to speak. "Alright, so you probably aren't going to believe what I'm about to tell you, but I swear, it's all the absolute truth. So just try to keep an open mind, please?"

He looked a little taken aback by my speech, but he nodded slowly after a moment of thought.

He took a sip of his beer and watched me.

"Well, you know how magnets work?" I asked.

Emmett snorted and nodded, clearly amused with this beginning.

"I mean, the way the polarity works…it either repels or attracts, right? And if you find powerful magnets, the push or pull is even greater?" I waited for his confused nod. But I noticed that faint glimmer of understanding was starting to shine in his eyes.

"Well, those are laws of science, nature, whatever you want to call it. They're irrefutable, and unchangeable. A magnet's polarity won't magically disappear just because you wish it would. It's something that lasts forever."

I waited, biting my bottom lip and studying his face. He frowned slightly, his brow furrowed. I was anxious to know what he thought, but there was something else I needed to tell him.

Before I could begin, he interrupted, obviously unable to contain himself on something science-related, "Well, unless you heat the magnet or put it through a solenoid with an alternating current…" He trailed off and gave a faint grin. "But, yes, I know what you mean."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Can I continue?"

He smirked and nodded.

"Well, that's…that's how I feel about Bella. I fucking swear, Em, the second I saw her, I knew. She is _exactly_ what I've been searching for passively my whole life and actively this past year and a half. And…well, the reason I'm freaking out about that poem is that…Em, that's what that poem means. It's about how love – the pure concept of love – takes on a human form so we can recognize it. And once it's found, that's it. It's permanent. The guy that wrote it, he had just found the embodiment of _his_ love, and those two lines I said were the way he declared it. So…you're right. If I'd just quoted a couple of lines of a poem to Bella, so what? But I didn't…I said it because…because…I love her…" I trailed off, nearly whispering as I studied the tabletop.

Complete silence reigned at our table for a long, pregnant moment. Then Emmett exhaled loudly.

"So…" he began. "You're in love with Bella…but you just met her…and you can't tell her…because _something_ happened to her in the past…and she doesn't date…and you're going to do…what, exactly?"

I sighed and shook my head. "What _can_ I do? Nothing, that's what…"

I frowned as the truth of my words sank in. "I guess…I guess I just have to take what I can get. Not let her know how I feel. Be her…friend…" I grimaced, a feeling of abject despondency setting in at the thought of not having anything more with Bella.

"Man, that's bullshit," Emmett declared.

I glanced up, anger pulling me briefly out of my dejection. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"I've never seen you like this. _Ever_. You're obviously ludicrously into this girl…and you're not going to do anything about it? Bullshit." He shrugged.

My anger smoldered. "Haven't you listened to a word I've said, asswipe? It's not a possibility. Bella's different…there's…well, there's something there. You didn't see her, Em. She…" As quickly as it had flared, I felt the anger drain, leaving weariness and sadness in its place. "God, she kept looking over her shoulder, her eyes all panicked. Like she was just waiting for someone to try to attack her. She's…something in her is broken, Em…hurting. And I just…I just can't risk losing what I _can_ have with her for the possibility of something more."

To my astonishment, I actually felt my eyes begin tearing up. And even more surprising, I wasn't embarrassed. The feelings I had for Bella were so vast and confusing…but caring for her – caring about her well-being – was something I would never be ashamed of. It felt…_good_ to learn this about myself.

When I looked at Emmett, his expression had softened a bit, but his words hadn't. "It's still bullshit. You should at least let her know how you feel."

I was shaking my head before he even finished. "I can't, Emmett. What if she…what if she never wants to see me again?" I worked hard to swallow the lump in my throat.

Emmett raised an eyebrow. "That's a risk you're going to have to take. You can't be a pussy about this, Edward."

I frowned. He rarely called me by my name. "How, exactly, is caring about Bella, wanting her to be happy, and wanting to keep her in my life being a 'pussy'?"

"You're not being honest with yourself. Or with her. I don't think you _can_ be just friends with her," he said.

I sighed. "Yes, I can. I can do whatever I have to to keep her in my life. I don't think I can go without at least being able to see and talk to her, Emmett."

"No, you can't," he said simply.

"And how the _fuck_ do you know that?" I demanded.

"Tell me something…" he said abruptly, "you're wearing an X-Men shirt under your sweater right now, aren't you?"

I felt heat flood my cheeks. "What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

He just grinned and shrugged, lifting his hands palm up in a gesture that clearly said, "_Point made._"


	9. Heresy

**A/N:** I don't own anything you might remotely recognize.

Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. "Heresy" belongs to Nine Inch Nails. "Run Like Hell" belongs to Pink Floyd. "She Loves You" belongs to the Beatles.

And I belong to Edward. Sigh.

---------

**BPOV**

I leaned against the door frame, squinting against the uncharacteristically bright sunlight as I watched Edward pull away with a wave. I stood a moment longer and then sighed the girliest sigh I had ever heard. I didn't know I had it in me.

I was still standing there when Jasper brushed past me, freshly showered. He grinned at me knowingly, tickled my ribs, and waved as he got into his car.

When he glanced up at me through his windshield before backing out, I stuck my tongue out at him. That's right. I was officially a twelve year old girl.

To my great annoyance, he just laughed at me and shook his head before leaving. I pushed away from the door frame and went into the apartment, physically and mentally exhausted. Thankfully, all of my inner voices had quieted, and I was surprised to realize that I felt…content.

I walked down the hall to my bedroom, stumbling over my own feet along the way. I closed my door and flopped down onto my bed, curling up on my side and snuggling under the covers. I was suddenly intensely glad I'd decided to wear my pajamas last night so I was more comfortable right now.

Reveling in the warmth and comfort beneath my favorite quilt, I was nearly asleep when – all at once – my inner voices began babbling, arguing with each other.

_Why "Air and Angels"? Does he know the meaning?_

_No…he can't, right? _

_Well, I guess he could, but he couldn't mean it that way. I mean, we just met, and he doesn't date…_

_Yeah, because he's maybe gay, right?_

_Right. But…well, he kept watching me at the movies._

_Watching _you_? A little presumptuous, don't you think?_

_Yeah, I mean, if he _is _gay, he could have been looking at Jasper._

_Jasper _is_ a good-looking guy._

I had tried to drown out the voices, but now my eyes popped open and widened. Somehow I had gone from simply wondering if Edward knew what "Air and Angels" meant to deciding he might be into Jasper. A part of me felt ridiculous, but a larger part of me wondered if it could be true.

I tried again to quiet the voices and go to sleep, but now that they had broken free, they questioned me relentlessly. I swayed precariously between hoping that Edward might feel for me a small part of what I felt for him to despairing that he might want Jasper. And, strangely, the idea that he might like Jasper was more acceptable to me than that he might just…not want _me_. At least if he _was_ gay, that would be reason enough for him to not be interested in me.

With a sigh, I stood. No way would I be able to sleep now. I decided to clean my room to try to quiet the voices so I would be able to sleep. When I finished that, I moved on to my bathroom. Then the living room. Then the kitchen. By the time I was cleaning _Jasper's_ bathroom, I was frustrated and annoyed, and I wished Edward had just picked some other damn poem so I wouldn't have to spend all day arguing with myself and trying to figure out if he meant anything by it.

_Oh, whatever. You love that he picked it. Besides, even if he'd quoted "The Canonization," then you would have been wondering if he wanted to sleep with you. Face it – you're only obsessing over this because You're. Falling. In. Love. With. Him._

It was the longest soliloquy my inner voice had ever delivered, and I felt the toilet brush fall from my hand as I stood up straight, stunned. My eyes wide, I found my reflection in the mirror and noted absently that the color had drained from my cheeks, and my lips were arranged in a surprised 'o'.

I waited for one of my other voices – one of the rational ones – to tell me that wasn't true. But absolute silence reigned in my head.

_I'm in love with him?_ I asked.

All I heard was giggling, as if the question were too inane to even answer.

Suddenly shaky, I sat down on the side of Jasper's tub. I exhaled, my eyes still trained on my reflection. As my breathing sped up and grew closer to panting, I felt woozy and leaned over, folding my arms on my knees and resting my cheek against them as I closed my eyes.

_I'm falling in love with Edward._

_Fucking hell, what do I do now?_

I listened and…nothing.

_Great. You guys are soooo full of wisdom when it comes to deciding I'm in love, but when it comes to what to do about it, you're suddenly fucking mutes. Thanks._

Still nothing.

I don't know how long I sat like that, lost in a daze, but when my mind finally restarted, my legs and ass were asleep from sitting on the side of the tub. I stood unsteadily and blinked at my reflection, a look of bewilderment on my face.

I bit my bottom lip and furrowed my brow, still staring at myself. My mind could think of only one thing, over and over and over.

_What the fuck do I do?_

_What the fuck do I do?_

_What the fuck do I do?_

Eventually, the answer came to me. The same thing I always do – talk to Jasper. But, suddenly, I knew it wasn't Jasper I _wanted_ to talk to. I mean, I would need to talk to him, and I definitely would, but I wanted to talk to…Alice.

_Huh._

Part of me remembered the last time I'd chosen to talk to a girl friend before talking to Jasper, and I cringed away from the memory, but not before I felt the anguish.

_Fear. Hate. Blue eyes. Scarring. Ripping. Betrayal._

I shook my head forcefully, taking a shaky breath. I gritted my teeth and clenched my jaw. I would not let the result of that conversation steer me away from Alice. The two were nothing alike.

Decision made, I felt strangely lighter. I knew that nothing had changed – I still had some seriously major issues to face, not the least of which was that even if I _could_ get past my issues, there were still Edward's to contend with – and that whole minor issue of if he was even interested in me. Nothing big. But still, I felt better just knowing that I had made a decision, and that I would be talking to Alice to find out what I could. So, perversely perhaps, I began humming as I cleaned, finishing up Jasper's bathroom and moving on to start our laundry.

As I made my way through the apartment with our sheets in hand, I noticed that it was just noon. It would still be a few hours before Jasper and Alice got home. I decided to bake to pass the time, and I started the oven preheating on my way to the laundry room.

I spent the afternoon baking, doing laundry, and otherwise being domestic. Ironically, this is something I actually enjoy. There's something wholesome and healing about doing simple things to improve our lives.

Around 3:00, I pulled the pepperoni bread out of the oven and took off my apron. I put the bread on a cooling rack beside the amaretto cheesecake I'd already baked before I washed my hands and decided to go take a shower, knowing Jasper and Alice should be home before much longer.

As the fragrance of strawberries from my shampoo filled the steamy shower, I thought about how, exactly, to get Alice alone – and what I would say to her when I did. Somehow I didn't think I could go with, "Oh, remember that whole 'I don't date' thing? Yeah, well, see…I've decided that I want your brother. Badly. So I need you to help me with that whole '_he_ doesn't date' thing."

Especially since…well…since I wasn't sure I _could_ date Edward. I wasn't really sure I was physically or emotionally able.

I bit my bottom lip, sighing softly. _Why did it have to be me?_

I felt a tear slide down my cheek, becoming lost in the hot water of the shower, as my thoughts drifted far from Edward. Thankfully, I didn't think of the _cause_ of it all…just the…well, the aftermath. I leaned against the wall of the shower, gently beating my forehead against the cool tile as I let my mind go blank.

When the water began to grow cold, I pushed myself away. I finished cleaning robotically before stepping out and drying off quickly. I gave myself a half-smile in the foggy mirror, shaking my head at the redness of my eyes.

I exhaled roughly and wrapped a towel around myself, yanking my brush through my hair. I kept my mind carefully blank, and I was happy to note that by the time I finished, my face looked almost normal. I went to my dresser, pulling out my _Cowboy Bebop _t-shirt. It had a huge picture of Ed holding Ein on the front and the logo on the back across the shoulders. I tried to tell myself it wasn't because Ed named herself Edward, but the stupid grin on my face told me otherwise.

As I was pulling the shirt over my head, I heard the front door opening and the sound of Alice and Jasper's voices. I quickly threw on my jeans, grabbing socks on my way out the door.

I knew the smell of pepperoni bread would pull Jasper to the kitchen, so I made my way there, giggling when I saw him with a knife poised over the loaf.

"And what if that wasn't meant for you, mister?" I arched an eyebrow at him.

He pouted. "You wouldn't do that to me, Bells, would you?" His eyes were big, and he stuck his lower lip out. I had to laugh at him.

"Go ahead," I said, and I stepped toward Alice, giving her a tentative hug. She looked surprised, but she hugged me back tightly. "How'd the show go?"

"Great! I even got an invitation to help with another one next week!" She bounced up and down a couple of times and clapped her hands.

"That's awesome, Alice!" I smiled at her. "Did Jasper behave himself?" I asked, playfully nudging the back of his knee with my toe while he stuffed his face with the gooey pepperoni bread.

"He was a perfect gentleman," she beamed.

Jasper turned then, his hands a greasy mess as he nodded.

"Yeah, he looks like one." I snickered and shook my head, turning on the water for him.

He looked down at my t-shirt and then back up at my face, a huge grin slowly spreading on his lips.

_Fuck._

I should have known Jasper would guess the silly reason for my choice of shirts. He knew me too fucking well. I just arched an eyebrow at him.

I didn't think it was possible, but he smiled even wider before turning to wash his hands. Once he finished, he shook them, slinging water everywhere. I've been trying to break him of that habit for years, but that one seems to be fucking permanent.

"Jasper," Alice's voice held a tone of reproof, and when I glanced at her, I saw that she had one perfectly groomed eyebrow arched. Jasper _blushed_ and looked down, reaching for a towel.

My eyes wide, I turned to look at Alice. _Damn. _I had new respect for the pixie. Maybe she really did have magical powers.

She trilled a giggle and smiled at me, her silver eyes shining.

Jasper glanced suspiciously between the two of us. After a long moment, he said, "Bells, Alice and I are going out to dinner. Do you want to come?"

I smiled softly. He really was such a sweetheart. But no, I had no real desire to be the third wheel. "Actually, I'm just going to play some WoW, I think. I missed my dailies yesterday, you know," I teased. I hadn't minded in the least bit. _Huh_. I really hadn't.

Jasper grinned and nodded. "Well, I'm going to go take a shower and get ready. Do you mind hanging out with Alice until I'm done?"

_Did I mind?_

I grinned. "Nah, Alice and I will be fine." I couldn't believe my luck. I had Alice to myself…now there was just that whole what-the-fuck-to-say problem.

As Jasper left us, I noticed Alice eyeing the cheesecake. Food is always a good conversation starter. "Do you like cheesecake?"

"Mmm…too much! I didn't know you could bake! My mom and I used to get cheesecake at the coffee shop on the corner. It was so good! What kind is it?" Alice seemed to be on full-speed mode, but maybe that would be a good thing.

"Amaretto…nothing too different, but I like the hint of almonds. Would you like a slice? Maybe some wine?" I didn't know why I was offering wine, but Alice seemed to like it…and maybe she'd talk more freely if she got a little tipsy. I repressed a snicker.

"Yummy!" Alice answered. I took that as a yes and got us both a serving of cheesecake with wine. I motioned toward the living room, and Alice led the way. We settled onto the couch, and I felt my cheeks heat as I remembered Edward sitting just where Alice was all night last night. Alice noticed the blush and arched an eyebrow, but she didn't comment.

She took a bite of her cheesecake and moaned in appreciation. "God…I'm going to have a hard time competing with this, you know." Her voice was teasingly petulant.

I laughed. "Jasper's been eating my cooking for years…but he's never gotten up at 8:00 to go to a fashion show before." Jasper was batshit crazy about Alice. She should know that.

Alice smiled quietly, spending a few minutes just nibbling at her cheesecake and sipping her wine.

Grr. I'd been counting on her babbling to create an opening for my questions, but it didn't seem like that was going to happen. My cheesecake sat on my knee forgotten as I bit my bottom lip. I swirled my wine, trying to think of a way to approach her.

As if sensing my unease, Alice said, "So you and Edward seemed to get along okay. Did you have a good time last night?"

Just like that. No teasing. No weirdness.

For a girl, Alice really was awesome.

I smiled quietly, and I'm sure it was goofy as hell, but I couldn't seem to help myself. "I did. Edward was great – very funny and smart. You were right." I left out the fucking gorgeous part.

Alice nodded, studiously taking a bite of her cheesecake, but I noticed that the corners of her lips twitched. _Tricksy pixie._ Did she set me up?

I shrugged. I didn't care if she had.

"So umm…Edward is probably going to get my number from you. He wants to come back to watch more MST3K sometime. And you need to, too, you know." I poked her knee.

Alice's head snapped up at that, her eyes wide. "Really?" she asked incredulously.

Jesus. Is it that fucking hard to believe that someone like Edward would want to hang out with someone like me?

_Yes_.

I grimaced.

"Uh, yeah…why? Is that weird or something?" I tried to sound as normal as I could.

"Well, it's just…" Alice trailed off and was quiet for a long moment. "I'm just surprised, honestly. Edward doesn't really have girl friends. Kind of like you." She stuck her tongue out at me, and I had to grin. Alice and I really were becoming friends. It was…weird, but…well, _good_.

A thought occurred to me. "Maybe umm…maybe he doesn't think of me as a girl…" I looked down, taking a bit of cheesecake for something to do, though I didn't think I would be able to swallow it past the lump in my throat.

It was quiet for a beat too long before Alice's gentle voice finally said, "No, I don't think that's it."

I looked up at her. I don't know what she saw in my expression, but she sighed and put her plate on the end table beside her glass, turning to look at me earnestly. She bit the inside of her cheek – _huh, just like Jasper_ – and thought for a minute. When she finally spoke, her words tumbled out quickly, one on top of each other, making it difficult for me to catch them all. "Look, Bella, I really like you. And of course, I love Edward. And I know that neither of you date, but there was something there last night. I've never seen him look at someone like that before. And I don't know if either of you is ready or what will happen, but I think you could be good for each other. But I don't want to see either of you get hurt because I don't think I could stand that, so I just don't know what to do."

I blinked.

Finally, I found my voice. "Damn, don't be afraid to tell me how you really feel. Stop holding back." I grinned at her, but I felt stunned.

She gave a faint smile. "Bella…" she reached over and took my hand in her tiny one. "It's okay. Well, it's _going_ to be okay. I can't even imagine how…how scary this must be. But Edward is a good guy. And you're an amazing woman. I just have a good feeling about this."

She patted my hand, biting the inside of her cheek again. "The only thing I can't see is…how in the world this will work out. I have no idea how you'll get there, but I have no doubts you will." Her smile was gentle, and something in it gave me hope.

Of course, the hope was in my heart…in my head, I was screaming, _WHAT THE FUCK??_ at the top of my mental lungs.

A smaller voice whispered, _Get _where_, exactly?_

Aloud, I said, "Why doesn't Edward have girl friends?"

"Well," Alice began, and her voice was a little slower, "he's tried, but the girls never want to be just friends. Even if they say that's what they want and start out that way, well…he's a charming one without even meaning to be. And he's pretty good looking…" She tilted her head, looking up. "So he'll start out being friends with a girl, but then she'll make her intentions known and…well…the whole not dating thing…" She shrugged. "He's really given up on it. I never even see him around girls any more. Up until last night with you, of course."

I bit my bottom lip. Edward tried to be friends with girls, and it never worked out because the _girl_ fucked it up. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let that happen. And he'd gone into this knowing I didn't date either.

_Shit_.

I sighed, about to ask Alice what I should do, when Jasper's door opened, and he came wandering out, bringing the scent of cedar and grapefruit with him. He smiled when he saw us sitting on the couch, and Alice jumped up, bounding into his arms. He kissed her tenderly, running the pad of his thumb along her cheek as he smiled against her lips.

Something in me ached.

I imagined for a moment how it would feel if Edward kissed me like that, and I was stunned when I felt panic grip my chest.

_Fear. Hatred. Beating. Blue eyes. High heels. Falling. Breaking._

I blinked rapidly, unable to control my sudden intake of breath. Why the fuck would I get those flashes _now_? I hadn't been thinking about anything…

_Fucking Hell._

Jasper had noticed my gasp and was at my side in a second, resting a hand on my knee as he knelt beside me. "Bells? You okay?" His blue eyes were concerned as he studied my face.

I took a steadying breath, willing myself to find the control I didn't think I had at the moment. I had to get them out of here, had to be alone. I needed to figure this shit out.

"I'm fine, really," I lied, knowing he'd never believe me. "I just almost spilled my wine…clumsy me." I held up my glass, my hand shaking slightly. My eyes were begging Jasper to just drop it and leave. He frowned.

"You're _sure_ you're okay?" He whispered, his voice pitched low for me alone. The love and concern in his eyes calmed me enough to let me give a small smile. I nodded and bit my bottom lip, promising him with my eyes that we would talk about it later…and that I would be okay until then.

His face tightened before he stood, forcing a chuckle, "You never were graceful, that's for sure."

I smiled up at him genuinely this time. _Thank you_, my eyes said.

Alice's face was carefully blank. I had no idea what she was thinking. She had been cool when I freaked out before, but…I wondered if it was different now that she knew I was maybe interested in her brother.

After they left, I absently put my glass on the table beside me and curled up on the couch, resting my forehead against my knees. I wasn't really thinking about anything, and I didn't realize I was crying until my shoulders began shaking. My thoughts restarted then, and I was fucking _livid_.

My mind couldn't even form coherent words, just angry flashes of colors and impressions. Finally, my frustration and anger boiled over, and I screamed. My fingers knotted in my hair as my screams turned to growls, and I shook my head, panting as I finally quieted.

It was SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

I pushed myself off the couch and stalked down the hallway, kicking my door open with a vengeance. I yanked my jeans down and pulled out sweatpants, tugging them on roughly. I crammed my feet into my tennis shoes, knotting them in my haste. Throwing my hair up into a messy ponytail, I snatched up my iPod and put my earbuds into my ears and went out the front door, slamming it on the way.

I exhaled sharply and even gave a small, ironic smile as "Heresy" blasted in my ears. As my feet found the rhythm of the song, pounding against the pavement as I ran, my thoughts began to interject themselves, angry at myself, _him_, the world.

"He sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see," my iPod sang.

_Fucking asshole. How _dare_ he fuck me up like this?_

"He tries to tell me what I put inside of me."

_I am such a fucking train wreck. All because of _him_._

As I continued to run, my anger drained, replaced by weariness and desire and helplessness and longing.

I didn't like this. Didn't like the anger any more than the fear. It was all still power. Power that _he_ had over me.

"Your God is dead, and no one cares. If there is a hell, I will see you there."

I frowned at the words. I paused, jogging in place as I looked down at my iPod. The song had really been my theme song at one point, but it felt…wrong, now. It didn't fit.

I smiled quietly to myself. There was a kind of victory in that, and I began to feel hopeful again. I was still a wreck, but…but maybe there was hope for me.

Still, I wasn't about to stop my run, so I flipped through my songs, landing on "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd. It had always been a favorite of mine. I gave myself over to the sensation of my body working as I ran for a few miles, and by the time I returned, I felt somewhat better.

I was still lost and confused, and I had no idea what the fuck to do about Edward, but I felt like I'd had a small triumph today.

So I was in a much better frame of mind as I returned to the apartment. I flipped my iPod onto the counter in the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water from the pitcher in our refrigerator. I was sweaty and gross and would need another shower, so I kicked off my shoes and was heading to my room when I heard music from somewhere.

I walked into the living room, spotting my phone on the end table just as I made out what it was playing.

_I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot no deputy._

I laughed out loud, shaking my head. Jasper had been playing with my ringtones again. I flipped open my phone, not bothering to look at my caller ID as I said, "Hey Dad."

My father was the chief of police in Forks, and Jasper always made sure my ringtone reflected that. My mind was still on Jasper's penchant for screwing with my ringtones as I listened to Charlie talk about his latest fishing trip with his friends Harry and Billy. The last time Jasper had chosen Charlie's ringtone, I had discovered it in the middle of a lecture I was giving on Edmund Spenser. I was just mentioning the Spenserian stanza when I heard, "Fuck tha police coming straight from the underground" blaring from my pocket. I flushed bright red and managed to silence it just as it sang, "Young nig-" My class had exploded into laughter.

Charlie's voice came back into focus when he said, "So, have you talked to Jake lately?"

I repressed a sigh. "He was just here a couple of weeks ago, Charlie." I typically didn't call him Charlie when I was talking to him directly, but his insistence that there was something between me and Billy's son Jacob was wearing. Jacob was a great friend, but he'd never been anything more – and never would be. "And Jasper and I talk to him online all the time."

"Oh…" Charlie was quiet for a minute. "So you haven't talked to him other than that?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, not really. Hey, listen, I was talking to Jasper, and Mrs. Hale invited us for Thanksgiving again. I know it's three weeks away, but I want to give her an answer soon. You want to go again this year?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Charlie's voice was enthusiastic. Between me and Mama Hale, our Thanksgiving dinner was always phenomenal. Charlie and I had been patrons of the Hale family Thanksgiving since I moved back to Forks just before my senior year in high school.

We exchanged a few more pleasantries before hanging up. My run and my talk with Charlie had left me feeling relatively normal again, so I decided to take a shower and play WoW to pass the time until Jasper came home. Given my…well, I guess it was an epiphany of sorts - my victory during my run, anyway – I knew our conversation tonight would be interesting, to say the least. I just wished I could guess how Jasper would react.

----------

**JPOV**

I was still thinking of what Alice had said to me as I parked and got out to go into the apartment. I walked slowly, pondering her words.

_Alice looked up at me over her sushi, chopsticks in hand, her silver eyes wide and earnest. "Jazz…I need to talk to you."_

_I tried not to frown. I always hated those words. "What is it, Alice?"_

"_I talked to Bella earlier, while you were in the shower," she began, and I was lost for a moment in the movement of her lips before I focused again when she spoke. "I think she's interested in Edward. Like interested interested."_

_I frowned slightly this time. "Yeah…I sort of noticed." I sighed._

_Alice's face fell slightly, and it took me a moment to figure out why. "Oh, Alice, sweetheart…I'm not upset that Bella's interested in Edward." How could she still not be aware of how utterly in love with her I was? I must not be doing a very good job… "I'm just worried about whether or not she'll be able to handle it. And…given what you've told me about him…I don't know how he'll react. If she ends up hurt again…" My hand clenched into a fist beneath the table._

_Alice smiled slightly. "Don't worry about Edward," she said. "I've never seen him look at someone like he did Bella. If she's interested…he's hers. I have no doubts. But…well, I don't want to see _him _hurt, any more than you do Bella."_

_I nodded slowly before I exhaled a sigh. "This is new territory, Alice. I mean, Bella tried dating once after…well, after it happened." I flashed Alice an apologetic smile. We'd agreed that it was Bella's story to tell, but I didn't like keeping anything from her. "It ended badly. I can't make any promises about what she'll do. I don't think even she could tell you. But I do know that if, somehow, she were to ever hurt him, it wouldn't be intentional. It would be a result of…" I trailed off, leaving it at that._

_Nodding slowly, Alice suddenly smiled. "Well, it's a good thing this conversation is entirely unnecessary."_

_I arched an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"_

"_They're going to be great for each other. I just know it."_

I had reached the door and put my key in the lock, smiling quietly when I realized that only the porch and living room lights were on. Bella must be having an okay night.

I snorted as I heard Bella singing from the office. She was decent most of the time, but she never could sing with her headphones on. She was listening to the Beatles, and her voice warbled, "She said she loves you, and you know that can't be baaaad."

When I walked into the office, she looked up at me, grinning as she continued singing. I laughed out loud, and she finally took off her headphones.

"Don't let me interrupt," I teased. "You were giving quite the concert there."

She snickered. "Nah, I just finished up my last quest. I would've been done ages ago, but fucking Freda pulled me into an instance run." She set her headphones to the side and stood, stretching. "Same as always. That dude sucks."

She glanced at me sheepishly. "So umm…I guess we should talk."

Twice in one night. At least I'd been expecting this one. I nodded and tickled her gently before I led the way into the living room. It was an unspoken thing, and I really didn't even think about it anymore, but it really pissed me off that she hated to have people walk behind her. _Asshole._

I flopped down on my end of the couch in the living room, and she sat on her end, pulling one of the throw pillows into her lap. I studied her face, noting a strange mixture of trepidation and excitement.

"So umm…" she started, and her cheeks instantly flamed bright red. "I…" she trailed off, biting her bottom lip. I smiled at her encouragingly and nodded.

She took a deep breath and tried again. This time her words came out in a short burst before she buried her face in the pillow. "IlikeEdward."

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. It had been _years_ since I'd seen her like this. I felt a befuddling combination of emotions. I felt the urge to giggle and celebrate with her, but I was also scared shitless about how this was going to go. I waited until she peeked up at me, just her eyes lifting above the pillow.

When she saw me grinning at her, she lowered the pillow fully, and the silliest grin was on her face. I snorted at her, and she smacked me on the head with the pillow. "Don't fucking laugh at me!" she ordered, but she giggled as she said it. For a few minutes, we sat on the couch laughing stupidly together, and it felt like the weight of the past seven years was lifted.

I knew it would be back, but in the meantime, it felt fucking great.

"That's awesome, Bells," I said simply. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this. I knew she had a hard time feeling _normal_, whatever the fuck that was. "He seems like a good guy. And he has a great family." I winked.

She nodded and sighed a wistful sigh. I relished in the stupid, giddy look on her face. All too soon, though, her face started to fall, and she gave a real sigh.

"Jazz…I don't know what to do," she said simply, her voice plaintive.

I opened my arms, and she slid over, leaning into me and resting her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and said, "I know, Bells."

We sat like that for a long time, each lost in our own thoughts. I wished I had magic words that would make this all perfect, but there just weren't any. This was going to be messy and hard and possibly painful.

I sighed. Bella looked up at me.

"What is it?" she asked. I told her honestly what I'd been thinking. We didn't keep things from each other, no matter how tough.

She nodded and took a shaky breath, raising up and turning to face me. "Jazz, I think…I think I want to try…" She trailed off and bit her bottom lip. "But what if it's like…last time? With Mike?"

She blinked rapidly, and her breathing hitched. I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Bella…hear me now. It didn't work with Mike because you weren't comfortable with him. You didn't trust him fully, and you didn't feel very strongly for him. That's all." I looked at her sternly. I wouldn't have her fucking thinking she could never be close to anyone.

After a small pause, I reminded her gently, "You didn't have any issues when it was me." I felt the blush heat my cheeks as a matching one spread on her face. She looked up at me through her eyelashes.

"Umm…yeah. Sorry about that…again." She giggled nervously and bit her bottom lip.

I pulled her back to me and kissed the top of her head. "Silly girl. Don't ever apologize for that. Nothing happened anyway."

I straightened up, causing her to straighten in response as I looked seriously into her eyes. "But it _could_ have. You were fine. Remember that."

"Yeah, right up until I laughed at you," she laughed again, blushing furiously. "And I _am_ sorry about that. You know it wasn't you…"

I laughed with her. "Bells, we've been over this. My wounded ego is long since healed," I teased her.

I watched her face as several emotions crossed it in response to her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath. "Jasper, I talked to Alice today. And…well, she said that he never has friends that are girls because the girl always 'makes her intentions clear' eventually. I…I know I just met him, but I don't think I can go without seeing him. I don't know if I _can_ date him, though. And I don't know if I can just be his friend. What the fuck do I do?"

Sighing quietly, I took her hand and gave her a small, half-smile. "I wish I had an answer, Bella…I really do. But it seems to me that friendships and relationships both start out the same way – with time. Companionship. Get to know him. See what you feel for him after you've been around him a little longer." I shrugged gently. "Hopefully that will give you both time to see how you feel."

Her brow furrowed, and she looked worried. "Jazz…how did you decide it was right with Alice?" She spoke in a small voice as she studied the pattern on the sofa.

I knew she wasn't talking about dating now, and I considered her question as seriously as she asked it. It was different for me. I didn't carry the baggage she did. But I would answer her as honestly as I could.

"I just knew it was. I wish I could tell you there was something more, but…I just looked in her eyes, and I saw the love that I felt for her reflected back at me, and it was…right. And there is nothing like your first time. It's exciting and wonderful and awe-inspiring. When it's right for you, Bella, you'll know."

She blinked rapidly. "It's not my first time. I'm not a virgin." Her voice broke on the last word.

My hand went to her chin of its own accord, my fingertips digging into her flesh as I forced her to look at me. "Yes, it fucking is," I hissed. "You better not even _think_ of considering what that motherfuc-"

She cut me off, jerking her chin out of my hand as anger flashed in her eyes. "Denying it doesn't make it go away, Jasper. It fucking happened." She opened her mouth to continue but closed it with a sob, tears spilling onto her cheeks.

I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw as I worked to control my rage. When I opened them again, I forced my anger aside and focused on my concern for my best friend. I pulled her into my arms again and held her as she cried.

----------

**A/N:** Alright, so this was a rough chapter to write. It took me a bit longer to update, but the good news is that I was writing an outtake chapter at the same time. It's a chapter that explains what happened between Bella and Jasper "that night" after Mike. A few of you have me on Author Alert (freaking amazing, btw :) much love!), but for those who don't, check my profile in a day or two for it if you're interested.


	10. Tentative Touches

**A/N:** I don't own Twilight, its characters, or anything else you might recognize.

Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the outtake chapter! For those who missed it and want to read it, there's a new story on my profile called "More of the Guys." This is where I'll be posting outtakes and different POVs. This particular outtake was a flashback to "that night" between Jasper and Bella.

This chapter is dedicated to kimberlycullen10 and MartiniBaby1 for their mad review skills and MartiniBaby1's request for a moment of dazzlement ;)

And to hammondgirl, who understands the importance of feet pressed against a thigh.

----------

**BPOV**

I was driving home after my office hours on Wednesday afternoon, listening to my old Styx CD – one of many that Jasper makes fun of me for. As I was belting out "Renegade" at the top of my lungs, I heard a strange buzzing noise. I turned the radio down, tilting my head and listening closely as I tried to figure out if I had finally blown my speakers.

I heard it again.

I realized it was coming from my messenger bag, so I grumbled to myself and pulled the bag across the seat. As I rolled to a stop at a traffic light not far from our apartment, I looked inside and saw that my phone was blinking - it was the source of the annoying noise.

_Huh._ I'd never heard my phone's default ringtone before because Jasper programmed a different one for everyone I knew. I turned the phone over, checking the caller ID, but it was definitely not a number I recognized.

I frowned slightly before I decided to take it, flipping the phone open just as traffic started moving again.

"Hello?" I asked, uncertain.

"Hello? Bella?"

_Holy. Fuck._ I would know that melodic voice anywhere, even though I'd heard it for only one night.

"Edward?" I was embarrassed when I heard how breathless my voice sounded. My heart was pounding, and I felt a little light-headed. It had been four days since I'd last seen him pulling away from my apartment complex, and I had thought of him every day since then. Sometimes it seemed like every _moment_ since then.

"Alice gave me your number…I hope you don't mind," Edward answered.

I felt my cheeks ache and realized I was grinning like a fool. I bit my bottom lip, still lost in the momentary high, but then I heard Edward say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you."

_Shit!_ I'd been sitting there, not saying anything as I smiled stupidly and reveled in the fact that _Edward_ called _me._ "Oh, no! You're not bothering me…not at all. I'm glad you called," I admitted.

I could hear a smile in his voice as he said, "Oh good…I was afraid I was interrupting something."

"Nah, I'm just driving home. I had office hours all afternoon. I can't wait to get home and out of these ridiculous clothes," I said, then blushed. _Shit, did I just tell him I wanted to get home and get naked?_

Edward's musical laugh came through the phone, and I was trying to decide whether or not I should explain when he said, "Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting out of my clothes too. I just left the gym – I was working out with Emmett, and I'm disgusting and sweaty now. I really need a shower." He laughed again, but I barely heard him.

Images of Edward swam in my mind. I remembered the definition of his arms in the snug shirt he'd worn, and I wondered what those arms would look like exposed and glistening with sweat. I imagined the planes of his chest, and for a moment, I pictured his striking face – strong jaw, vibrant green eyes, lips turned up in that seductive little half-smirk. I tried to imagine how his bronze hair would darken when wet with sweat.

I blinked when Edward spoke again, and a wide smile spread across my face when I realized I'd been imagining him…his body, his face…and there was nothing. No panic, no fear.

_Of course…you didn't imagine him actually _doing_ anything._

_Shut the fuck up. Let me enjoy my little victories, bitch._

_Sorry…_the voice answered softly.

I tuned it out and concentrated on what Edward was saying.

"So anyway, I was wondering if you might want to get together sometime soon. I really enjoyed watching MST3K with you…and you said something about pod people?"

Did I just imagine the subtle stress on the _with you_ part?

I was too busy dissecting his sentence structure and emphasis, so I was a beat late in answering again. He was going to think I was a fucking idiot.

_Probably already does. Of course, you are one._

"Sounds good to me." _Heh, understatement?_

For the first time ever, I cursed all things WoW. I nearly growled. "Jasper and I have a raid tonight, or I'd invite you over. Why don't you and Alice come over tomorrow night? I'll make lasagna, and we can all watch it together." I was taking the pansy way out. I knew I was. Part of me – a big fucking part - really wanted to be alone with Edward, but…we'd probably both be more comfortable with Alice and Jasper there.

"Oh," he sounded a little disappointed. _Didn't he?_ "That works for me," he finally finished. "Would you like us to bring anything?"

I smiled. "No, I'm good. I love to cook. Just bring yourselves…"

We spoke for a few minutes more, chatting about nothing important. I really didn't want to let him go, but when I pulled up to the apartment, I realized I was probably monopolizing his time. So I told him I'd see him tomorrow night, listened breathlessly for his goodbye, and then hung up, feeling a strange mixture of elation and dejection.

I was still pouting when I got inside, and I was glad Jasper wasn't home yet so I could mope a bit in peace. I lounged around in my room, listening to music and trying to re-read _Light in August_ to be ready for my Faulkner class the next day, but my mind wouldn't focus. Normally, I would've played for awhile, but I wasn't in the mood – and I realized that I was being silly and petulant, not logging on because I was annoyed that I had to wait a full twenty-four hours longer to see Edward because of the game.

I snorted and shook my head at myself, settling on the bed on my stomach and finally managing to get lost in the world of Yoknapatawpha County. I was just getting to the house burning when Jasper stuck his head in my room and called my name to get my attention. I pulled my earbuds from my ears and looked up.

"Hey…did you invite Alice and Edward over tomorrow night?" He grinned at me.

I felt the blush spread across my cheeks and cursed my inability to ever hide my embarrassment. "Yeah, ahh…Edward called today about MST3K, and I thought we could all watch _Pod People_ tomorrow night. I'm making lasagna."

Jasper arched an eyebrow knowingly. "On a school night? I'm shocked, Miss Swan," he teased. I made a face at him and pretended to go back to my book.

I wasn't surprised when I felt him flop onto my bed beside me before he started tickling me mercilessly. I squealed and squirmed and kicked, trying to get away. I was gasping before he finally let me go. I smacked him on the head with my book, and he laughed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked, trying to hide my grin.

"Nothing, Bells," he smiled, rolling over onto his back and looking up at the ceiling. "I'm just happy."

"Goofball," I rolled my eyes and grinned with him, hearing what he hadn't said. He was happy _for me_.

"What time is it anyway?" I asked, standing up and tossing my book into the recliner in the corner of my room.

"Six," Jazz answered. "What's for dinner?"

I snorted and shook my head. "It's a good thing you have me, you know. I don't know how you'd survive otherwise. It'd be Ramen noodles and boxed macaroni and cheese."

Jasper just smiled angelically and walked with me into the kitchen. We talked about the upcoming raid, our classes, Alice and Edward coming over – anything, everything, and nothing all at once – while I threw together a quick dinner of orzo with mushrooms and sundried tomatoes. Jasper sat on the counter, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees except when he grew really animated. He loved to talk with his hands.

When dinner was ready, he fixed a glass of sweet tea for each of us. Sweet tea was one of the few things Jasper knew how to make, and we were both addicted thanks to Mama Hale. We carried everything into the dining room and sat at one end of the table, our conversation flowing uninterrupted. Finally, Jasper leaned back against the back of his chair, rubbing his stomach while I laughed at him. He always ate too much.

He stood and began gathering our plates, looking at me with a twinkle in his eyes. "So…what time are Alice and Edward coming over tomorrow?"

I frowned. "Oh, I don't know…we didn't really get to that part, I guess."

He gave a small chuckle. "Yeah, I know. Edward called Alice all excited, and she got annoyed that he didn't have any details. They'll be here at seven tomorrow night." He grinned and raised both eyebrows.

"Edward was excited?" I asked, and that stupid breathless voice was back again.

"Mmmhmm…" Jasper answered, his blue eyes dancing as he rocked back and forth on his heels like a six year old with a secret.

I smacked his arm and moved into the kitchen, putting our glasses in the sink while he rinsed the plates. I was trying to keep the smile off my face and failing miserably.

We settled into our chairs in the office, logging onto WoW and our voice server, and we spent the next hour or so just playing around with our guildmates. I was leading the raid as usual, so most of my time was taken with inviting people and making sure we had all our roles filled. I ignored most of the playful banter, trying to get things organized, but I was aware of Jasper joining in. Thankfully, he was busy making fun of another guildie, and he left me alone this time.

I answered a few tells about our plans for Thanksgiving from Jake and some of the other guys we'd grown up with and gamed with for years, and then we were finally ready to begin. I was having the hardest time concentrating tonight, and as we made our way to the first boss, my mind kept drifting to a certain pair of beautiful green eyes beneath a shock of bronze-colored hair…

"Fuck!" I yelled as I suddenly snapped out of my reverie when I died.

"Damn, Bells – what happened? A healer fuck up?" Jasper asked, his back to me as he made a futile attempt to vanish out of the wipe that was triggered by my death.

"I don't know," I said honestly, scrolling through my combat log. I frowned at what I read, and then I blushed furiously when I realized I'd just been daydreaming…and it was no one's fault but my own. I sighed and hit my push-to-talk button, addressing the raid, "Sorry, guys…I don't know where my brain was on that one."

They all answered that it was no problem, and Jake sent me a tell asking if everything was alright - I told him I was fine. All the guys were protective, but he was ridiculous with it. Jasper was sitting there staring at his screen, snickering quietly. He'd figured it out. I picked up an empty CD case and threw it at his head, but he knew me too well and ducked before it got there.

Before long, we had everyone resurrected and started again, and I promised myself firmly that I would keep my mind where it belonged – here with the twenty-four other people who were counting on me. But that damn smirk just kept creeping into my thoughts…

----------

When I woke up the next morning, it was with a smile on my face. My eyes opened about ten minutes before my alarm was set to go off, which was unheard of. I always had a hard time sleeping, and I tossed and turned all night.

Not last night.

I rolled onto my back and stared at my ceiling, realizing with a small start that I'd actually dreamt of Edward Cullen last night. It had been nothing big…just him smiling at me from the other end of the couch, but…

But…_I_ had dreamt of a man…and it wasn't the asshole that had starred in my dreams for over half a decade now.

And I hadn't panicked. I had slept right through…and slept quite well, actually.

I turned to muffle a small squeal into my pillow and then rolled back over, pushing myself off the bed and turning my alarm off. I went to my closet and was humming as I picked out my clothes. It helped that I didn't have to teach or hold office hours today, so I was free to wear whatever I wanted.

I hummed in the shower. I hummed while I was getting dressed…while I warmed my bowl of oatmeal and ate…while I made the tiramisu that would be our dessert tonight. I even hummed while I gathered my books and threw them into my messenger bag.

I was still humming when Jasper finally stumbled out of his room, yawning and blinking. I giggled at him and waved, heading out to class a little early.

The day was overcast and gray, but I didn't notice the drizzly cold. I couldn't even tell you what we talked about in class, which was too bad, really – _Light in August_ is fascinating.

Oh well.

I can't say I was disappointed that my thoughts were…elsewhere. It was different and a little strange, but it felt good, too.

When I got home a few hours later, I tossed my bag into my room before changing into my pajamas. I didn't plan to stay in them, but I had some cooking and cleaning to do, and they were always much more comfortable.

Jasper made it home not long after I did, and he put on the Beastie Boys while we straightened the apartment. When it came time to clean the kitchen and start dinner, he grinned at me and waved, the music a little too loud to talk comfortably, before he escaped to the office. Jasper wasn't really allowed to do a lot in the kitchen. It had sort of started when he'd ruined my hand mixer trying to make his own pizza dough – I still don't know quite how he managed to get dough actually up into the motor itself, but he had.

Then his unofficial ban had been confirmed when I'd gone to get a drink one night.

I'd been confused when I stepped into the living room, and my feet squished into the carpet. My confusion grew when I spotted little soap bubbles…following the trail, I came to the kitchen, where I was suddenly up to my knees in foam. We'd run out of soap for the dishwasher, so Jasper had put the regular kitchen-sink kind in. It had taken hours to clean up, especially since we kept throwing piles of suds at each other and giggling like the idiots we are. After that, he tended to stay out of the kitchen and let me handle things there.

Once the lasagna was baking, I headed off for a shower, startled to discover it was already 6:30. I threw my hair up into a bun on top of my head and cleaned quickly. I pulled a deep blue v-neck sweater from my closet, throwing it on with my jeans. Realizing my hair was still a mess, I yanked it down and went back into the bathroom, running a brush through it. I tilted my head and looked at myself in the mirror. It definitely wasn't the same as when Alice dressed me up, but I didn't think I looked too bad - and it was something I was comfortable in.

The Beastie Boys were still playing as I made my way down the hall to check on dinner, though Jasper had turned the music down a good bit. I was singing along as I came around the corner.

"Ad-Rock down with the ione, listen to the shit 'cause both of them is boney, gotta do it like this…" And then I spotted who was standing in my kitchen and froze, my cheeks instantly flaming red as I took in the three amused faces in front of me.

_Fuuuuuuuck._

But Edward just grinned and said, "Like Chachi and Joanie?"

And I snickered as we both finished, "'Cause she's the cheese, and I'm the macaroni."

All four of us laughed for a minute, as I felt the heat slowly dissipate though it didn't fade completely. "So umm…yeah, I like the Beasties and hey, Alice, Edward…" I said lamely.

Alice stepped toward me, and we hugged. I was getting used to that. I kept my distance from Edward though, suddenly nervous as I waved to him before sticking my hands in my pockets.

"Can I get you guys something to drink?" I asked finally as I moved to check the lasagna. It was bubbling around the edges, and the cheese was just browning – perfect. I pulled it out and set it on a trivet before putting some breadsticks in to warm. I turned around and leaned against the counter, blushing again when I realized Edward had been watching me.

"I'll take some wine," Alice said before poking Edward, who jumped slightly.

_How cute is he?_

Jasper moved to the refrigerator, taking out a bottle of wine, and Edward's gaze moved to him. My memory hadn't done his eyes justice. I found myself staring at him, trying to decide exactly what shade they were…

"Maybe a beer?" Edward asked. I grinned at him. A man after my own heart.

Alice asked if she could do anything, and I told her she could help me set the table. I heard Jasper and Edward talking casually while we went into the dining room. On the way, Alice nudged me with her arm and grinned up at me when I frowned at her. She didn't say anything, though, and I kept quiet too, worried about what she _would_ say. I didn't think she'd embarrass me, but…she knew too much.

We set the table in silence, using Jasper's bamboo placemats again. I arched an eyebrow at Alice as she pulled candles from our sideboard, and she smiled innocently. _She's tricksy, that one._

The boys came in just as we finished, Edward carrying a wooden tray with the drinks and breadsticks while Jasper brought the lasagna. As we sat and ate, both the conversation and the alcohol flowed freely. I was struck by how natural it all seemed, and that ever-growing ache within me pulsed. I wanted this to be our normal…Edward and Alice having dinner with us, spending our evenings together. But…but…I didn't want it to be exactly like this. I wanted more.

I just had no clue how to get it. I frowned.

Edward and Alice both praised the lasagna, and I grinned broadly. I love it when people appreciate my cooking. Just then, Jasper dropped a big bite down the front of his shirt, cursing as he grabbed his napkin. I laughed and glanced at Alice – I was really happy to see that she was just smiling at Jasper fondly. Jasper and messes go hand-in-hand. It would suck for her not to get that.

I glanced at Edward every few seconds, it seemed, and most of the time, he was glancing at me as well. We started sharing small smiles, and I felt a thrill go through me each time.

_Maybe…_

_Maybe what?_

_Just…maybe._ My inner voice seemed to be shrugging.

Near the end of dinner, Edward asked, "So how did your raid go last night, Bella?" I was beginning to notice that his lips twitched each time he said my name…almost like he was fighting a smile.

I blushed deeply and carefully kept my eyes away from Jasper's face. "It was alright. Kind of rough – we kept wiping." I shrugged, trying to look nonchalant though my mind was acutely aware that the reason we kept wiping was sitting right across from me.

"What does that mean?" Alice chimed.

"It means that the whole group died…or most of it, at least. If just one person dies, it's usually not so bad, but when most of the raid does, well…you have to start over with whatever you're doing." I tried to explain, realizing for the first time how odd all of it sounded to people who didn't play.

"So why did you have so much trouble last night?" Edward asked, and the heat off my cheeks was almost enough to make my eyes water. Jasper snorted, and I frowned at him, but I couldn't make myself say anything.

When I didn't answer, Jasper did. "Our tank was…distracted," he smirked suggestively, "and kept screwing up." I glared at him, and he snickered.

Any hope I had that they would just let it drop was shattered when Edward says, "Who's that?"

I sighed, defeated finally, and stared down at the tablecloth as I admitted meekly, "Me."

Jasper laughed whole-heartedly now, and my head snapped up as I muttered, "Shutthefuckup," and threw my napkin at him. I glanced at Edward and was surprised to see that he looked…frustrated and annoyed. That's the best way I can describe it, but I don't know why he would have been.

Within seconds, his face was smooth again, and the change was so quick that I began to doubt I'd even seen the first expression.

"Jazz, why don't you make yourself useful and go get dessert?" I said, annoyed.

Jasper snickered and laughed harder, but he stood and started clearing our plates. Edward helped him, and I had to smile. My eyes followed him until he disappeared into the kitchen, and I gave a soft sigh. As I glanced back, my eyes met Alice's, and I blushed, but she just smiled gently. I arched an eyebrow, and she mirrored my expression. We sat in silence, staring at each other, but just as I was about to speak, Edward and Jasper returned with the tiramisu.

I don't know why it pleased me so much that Edward was the one to put the plate in front of me, but it gave me a small thrill. It could've been the way his forearm brushed my upper arm or the heat of his body…or maybe that delicious scent – sandalwood and vanilla and something else… - he carried with him wherever he went. I think it was most likely the thoughtfulness of the gesture though – just the simple fact that he was doing something for me.

Alice moaned with her first bite, and I laughed softly. I loved how enthusiastic she was about everything. Jasper and Edward added their praise in words rather than sounds, and I was embarrassed to admit, even to myself, that part of me kind of wanted to hear what Edward's moan would sound like.

_What the fuck…?_ I heard nothing but stunned silence in my head for a moment.

I shrugged both mentally and physically, stifling a giggle as I ate my own tiramisu. But then I noted that my thoughts skirted around the edges of what would cause Edward to moan, carefully not thinking of any of it.

I sighed. My mood, which had been soaring, dropped just as quickly.

Jasper interrupted my darker thoughts, saying, "Hey, Bells, I forgot that I need to help Alice with a paper tonight, so we won't be able to watch the movie with you guys."

I nodded, taking another bite, my mood still spiraling downward. "No problem, Jazz."

I grimaced and pushed my plate away, suddenly not interested in my dessert any more. I was frustrated with my mood swing and decided to try to pull myself out of it, so I teased Alice. "You know, Alice…you can't avoid it forever. Someday soon, I _will_ make you watch one of these with me."

Alice pouted, poking out her lower lip. "I wanted to watch tonight! But this paper has been kicking my ass, and I've been so busy with all the fashion stuff, and now the damn thing is due tomorrow."

Alice had never cursed like that around me. It was mild, really, but something about it struck me as hilarious, and I started giggling stupidly. She huffed and tilted her head, looking at me curiously. It just made me laugh harder, and I shook my head. After a few seconds, I was able to control myself, and the strange fit of depression had lifted.

"That's alright, Tink. You just finish your paper, and I'll corner you soon enough," I winked at her.

I started to stand, and Edward stood as well. A few seconds later, Alice and Jasper joined us. "You guys go ahead," I said. "I'll get the dishes."

"Thanks, Bells," Jasper said, and he ruffled my hair as he passed by me. I muttered and pinched his upper arm as I smoothed my hair again. They walked down the hallway to the office, and both Edward and I watched them go.

When I turned back to him, Edward gave a small, sad smile, and he said, "Thank you for dinner. It was fantastic. Ahh…I can leave, if there's something you'd rather do since Jasper and Alice are busy."

I frowned. Did he want to leave? I didn't think so…but I didn't want him to stay if there was somewhere else he'd rather be. This uncertainty was going to kill me. We needed to get past this shit. But…gah, what if I didn't like what was past it? "Well, I'm spending the next couple of hours watching _Pod People_. I would…love…for you to join me. That is, unless you don't want to." I ducked my head, studying the floor.

"No," his voice said quietly, and my heart dropped before he continued, "no, I'd love to stay. I just didn't know if you wanted to wait for Alice." That sounded almost like the truth. I wondered if there was something he was holding back.

I lifted my head and grinned at him. "I'll let Jasper show Alice when they aren't so _busy_ all the time," I let a little innuendo creep into my words, and Edward winced. I giggled and nodded my head toward the kitchen. "Just let me take care of these dishes, and I'll be all set."

"I'll help you," he said simply, and my heart melted a little as he walked into the kitchen before me. I wondered idly if he'd noticed that I didn't like people to follow me, and I realized that it didn't bother me if he had. It was…sweet, really.

We made short work of loading the dishwasher, our fingers occasionally brushing as he rinsed and handed the dishes to me while I arranged them on the racks. I blushed each time, and I marveled that something so simple could be so…so…grr. I didn't have a word for it, but I liked it.

I felt a thrill run through me each time we touched, and I tried like hell to figure out if it was excitement or fear. I think, though, that there was nothing of fear in it. The way it left my heart pounding was exhilarating rather than exhausting.

As we finished, I offered him another beer, and we took our drinks into the living room, settling on the couch just as we had four days ago. This time, though, I began with my legs stretched out the way I normally set, and the bottoms of my feet brushed against his thigh. On Saturday, I'd ended up this way when my muscles started cramping, but honestly, I just really liked the way it felt. Still…I didn't know what Edward thought of it, so I glanced at him before I started the movie and said, "Do you mind?"

A smile ghosted across his lips, and he glanced at me, saying, "Not in the least bit." His tone carried something I didn't recognize, and I was frustrated that I didn't feel comfortable enough yet to just ask him what he meant. He turned his eyes back to the TV though nothing was playing yet, and he took a long sip of his beer. I got lost for a moment in the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed.

I quickly shook myself, feeling yet again the tell-tale heat on my cheeks, as I flipped through the DVD's menu to start _Pod People_.

It was one of my favorites, and I knew I was right to make Edward watch it as he started laughing during the opening when Crow said, "It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class." I giggled and focused on the screen, trying to keep my attention there, though I got rather good at peeking at Edward in my peripheral vision. His right hand twitched occasionally, and once or twice, I saw him make a fist. It didn't seem to be in reaction to what we were watching, so I couldn't quite figure out why.

I froze a little while later when I felt something settle on my shin. I looked over at Edward, and he was looking back at me. His chin was lowered, and he was peering up at me through his lashes with a shy smile. His green eyes smoldered as he whispered, "Do you mind?"

I was stunned by his expression and the depths of his eyes. My mind went blank, and all I could do was stare. I felt dazed. _He is so beautiful…_

Suddenly, he blushed in the flickering light from the TV screen and whispered, "Sorry…" as he started to move his hand. Without thinking, I reached over and stopped him, placing my hand on his.

Now it was my turn to blush, but I left my hand for a moment longer and said, "No, it's fine…it's…nice," I bit my bottom lip and glanced down, my heart fluttering as embarrassment and excitement warred in my chest.

Edward simply smiled and focused his attention back on the screen, giving my shin a tiny squeeze as I removed my hand and settled back into my seat. If I'd thought my heart was racing before, that was nothing compared to its activity now. I could feel the heat of his palm through my jeans, and the distraction was such that I really didn't catch anything else in the movie for awhile. I wasn't complaining. I owned the DVD, after all – I could watch it whenever I wanted. That inane thought made me snort out loud, and Edward smiled at me, amused.

This was all just so new to me. I felt incredibly confused and elated and nervous and distraught and just…happy. No one had ever brought out this sort of reaction in me. Not even before…

_Fuck no. That door stays closed tonight._

_Yeah, just enjoy this._

Good to know my voices were in agreement again.

Just as Trumpy was examining the "little winged potato," and I was giggling – that shit always made me laugh – I felt Edward's thumb caress my shin, and I bit my bottom lip. I was watching him out of the corner of my eye, and it was funny how we both kept our eyes on the screen. I wondered if he was paying any more attention than I was.

Suddenly, I jumped when my phone buzzed in my pocket, and then I had to laugh at myself. I swung my feet around to the floor and stood, retrieving my phone. I saw that I had a text from Embry, so I said, "Sorry, one sec?" to Edward and flipped it open.

_It's official – we're all coming the first half of Thanksgiving week._

I squealed and dashed toward the hall just in time to see Jasper dart out of the office. "You got it too?!" we said at the same time. Then we both nodded and closed the distance, hugging and squealing and generally being silly little girls.

When we finally calmed down, I realized that Edward was watching from the couch and Alice was standing in the doorway to the office, both wearing the same amused, slightly confused expression. I giggled and held my phone up. "That was our friend, Embry," I said. "We all grew up together and have been part of the same gaming group for umm…how many years now, Jazz?"

He thought for a moment, "Wow, I guess ten…"

"Anyway, our guys are coming up for the first part of Thanksgiving week." I gave a small squeal again, unable to help myself. Then I frowned. "Hey wait…he said they're _all_ coming…you don't thnk…?" I trailed off, grimacing.

"Be nice, Bells. She's part of the group too," Jasper said.

I rolled my eyes at him. I muttered, "You mean she's _done_ the group…" Jasper tickled me.

I made a face but couldn't suppress my grin any longer. "I guess this means I have lots of planning to do!" I rubbed my hands together gleefully. "I wonder how I can kill you guys this time…" I tapped my chin with my forefinger in mock thought.

Jasper smirked at me. "Oh, I'm sure you can handle it…" He ran his fingers through his hair and said, "Come on, Alice, let's get back to that paper." He turned to her in the doorway and kissed her gently before they went back inside.

I returned to the couch, noting that Edward had paused the movie when I'd jumped up. "Oh, thanks…" I smiled at him. "Sorry about that. It's been awhile since we last saw them."

"No problem," Edward said, giving me a small smile, though I noticed his eyes were tight. I started to ask him what was wrong, but he started the movie again as I sat back, stretching my legs once more. I was happy that he didn't hesitate this time. He just rested his hand on my shin, and I decided to forget about his reaction…for now.

At first, Edward seemed tense, and he wasn't even smiling as he watched. Gradually, though, he relaxed, and soon he was enjoying himself as much as he had before the text. I wondered what his tension was about, but I wasn't sure how to ask him.

By the time the movie ended, we were both smiling and laughing freely again. Edward had been caressing my shin more often, and he seemed oblivious to it most of the time. His green eyes would be completely focused on Trumpy and Tommy, but his thumb would make small, light circles on the fabric of my jeans.

I turned off the TV, and we looked at each other in the dim light. I really didn't want him to leave, but it was getting late, and I was pretty sure we both had school tomorrow. I bit my bottom lip to hide a frown.

Edward asked, "So how often do you and Jasper play WoW?" It seemed like an odd question, considering we hadn't talked about that for a couple of hours.

_Maybe he doesn't want to leave either?_

_Hmm…maybe…_

My voices were getting along entirely too well tonight.

"Well, I used to play every day, but with grad school, it's less now. We have standing raids on Wednesdays, Sundays, and Mondays but sometimes we add others in between," I paused for a minute, debating. "Have you ever seen it?"

"WoW? No, not really. I mean, the commercials, of course, but I've never really seen anyone play it." He shrugged. "Do you think I could watch you sometime?" He glanced away as he asked, as if he were unsure of my reaction.

I smiled. "Sure…but I'm not very good company when I play, especially if I'm leading. You might want to bring a book," I teased him.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I would have plenty to watch," he answered with a smirk.

_Umm…wait, is he talking about watching me or the game?_

_I don't know…fuck._

_Must be the game. I mean…right?_

I sighed softly before I could stop myself. Edward gave my shin a final gentle squeeze and stood. "I should probably be getting home," he said. "Ali said Jasper would take her home when they're done. I'm sure you probably have class tomorrow, right?" He sounded despondent.

"Yeah, unfortunately. I have to teach at 9:00. What about you?" I was curious about his schedule. I knew he was in med school, and apparently he worked out with a guy named Emmett, but that was about it.

Edward nodded. "I have classes in the morning on Fridays. It sucks." He shrugged. "So…would it be alright if I came over on Sunday for your raid?"

"Absolutely," I answered with a smile before he turned and led the way to the door. I walked with him, leaning against the door frame when he stepped through. My breath caught when he turned around and gazed down at me, an intense look in his eyes. I was frozen as he lifted his hand slowly, and the air between us charged with an unseen electricity.

I watched his hand make its agonizingly slow journey upward. His fingertips trembled lightly before he finally reached out, carefully brushing the back of his fingers against my cheek. "I'll see you Sunday," he whispered. "Sweet dreams, Bella." His lips twitched and then curved into a smile as he lowered his hand.

I watched him mutely, my eyes wide and a smile on my face, as he got into his car and drove away.


	11. Pinkie Progress

**A/N:** Still don't own anything you might recognize.

This one is for all the ladies who are Made of Win…you know who you are.

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**EPOV**

I stared down at the two shirts in my hands, debating. I had never had this much trouble getting ready before, and I really hadn't anticipated this problem when Alice had called me earlier today to invite me to an impromptu pajama party at Bella and Jasper's.

I still wasn't sure what the fuck a pajama party would entail, honestly, and Alice had been vague on the details. But all I had needed to hear was that I was invited to Bella's. I'd canceled my night at the bar with Emmett immediately, much to his amusement.

But now I stood in my bedroom like a teenage girl, undecided about which shirt I should wear. On one hand, I really wanted to wear my X-Men shirt as sort of a way to let Bella know that we shared some other interests. On the other…that was perhaps the dumbest shit I'd ever heard.

I seriously considered calling Emmett for a moment - before I realized that I really would be a prepubescent girl then: calling a friend for advice about what to wear for my date.

_Except this isn't a date._

I frowned at the stupid voice with the unfortunately accurate reminder. I raked my fingers through my hair and sat down on the end of my bed, staring at the floor.

_What the fuck am I going to do?_

I listened. Still no answers.

All I knew was…Bella was amazing. Everything I'd ever wanted and thought I could never have.

_Still can't fucking have it._ That annoying voice again.

It was really almost worse now, to actually know she existed…to be able to see her and listen to her and talk to her…but not hold her or kiss her or caress her.

It was maddening.

Every little thing I learned about her made it more and more obvious. I loved her silly giggle when she found something truly funny. I loved the way she bit her bottom lip and sometimes wrinkled her nose when she thought. I loved to listen to her babble when she was really into something. I loved that she was into _so _many things – Donne, World of Warcraft, MST3K, the Renaissance, Neil Gaiman, comics…and I'd only started getting to know her. I loved how she had allowed me to touch her just a little bit…just resting a hand on her shin. I even loved how caring she was with Jasper – it hinted at her compassionate nature – but I _hated_ that she couldn't be the same way with me. And I hated that I had no idea how she felt about me.

I had to know.

I didn't think I could make it much longer with all this uncertainty. But…I kept coming back to my major fear, the one that kept me from saying anything. What if she didn't want me? What would I do then?

I sat there for a few more minutes before I rolled my eyes at myself and stood. I tossed the X-Men shirt on the bed and pulled the plain, dark green long-sleeved t-shirt on over my head. I raked my fingers through my hair again, though there really wasn't any point, and went back into my bathroom.

There, I took a deep breath and stared at my reflection, grimacing almost absent-mindedly at my ridiculous hair. I didn't know why I was so indecisive tonight. I mean…it wasn't like I hadn't been to Bella's before. It wasn't like I hadn't seen Bella in her pajamas before…

_Holy fuck, _my brain interjected at the image. I ignored it.

That particular image had been helping fuel my twice-daily…_indulgence_ into my less wholesome thoughts of Bella. I had discovered I had quite a vivid imagination where Bella was concerned. And though it likely meant I was going to hell…I fucking loved it.

I am _such_ a monster. She deserves better.

_This is ridiculous, _I decided.

I shoved aside all the rambling, wandering thoughts and focused only on the night ahead of me. A broad smile spread on my lips as I decided to just…stop thinking about it. Just go with it.

So without thinking, I took out my contacts. I didn't know how long I would be at Bella and Jasper's tonight, but I was being optimistic…I didn't want to end up with a headache and that awful gritty feeling again. I slipped on my black-framed glasses and smiled, not even bothering to worry about how terrible I must look. I just wanted to see my Bella.

_My Bella?_

That was the second time I'd thought that…and it brought me up short again. I stood frozen in the doorway to my bedroom, while I frowned slightly and shook my head, but just as before, I secretly loved the way it sounded.

_No thinking, just go with it_, my inner voice reminded me.

I started moving again, my feet taking me to the office, where I sat down at my computer. I pulled up my email and read Bella's message for what had to be the twentieth time today. I had been shocked when I'd woken up yesterday to an email from her, and I'd read it countless times since then – it still made me smile.

_From: DungeonMistress_

_To: Cullen42_

_Hey Edward,_

_Before I say anything else, I must tell you something gravely important…_

_Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is._

_*grins* Sorry, nerd moment there…I'm all better now. I got your email address from Alice before she left last night, and that was the first thing I thought. I hope you don't mind that she gave it to me. _

_I just wanted to say that I had a really good time, and you're welcome to come over for more MST3K any time you'd like. Oh, and I have no idea what sort of anime education you've had, so we may have to start on that next - if you want, of course._

_Hope you're not too tired after last night,_

_Bella_

I felt the stupid, giddy smile appear again as I read her words. She knew what my email address meant. Not only knew it, but she knew it well enough to quote the book. And she was funny. I sighed longingly.

I glanced at her email address again and furrowed my brow. Every time I looked at it, images of…well, of bondage, honestly…filled my mind, and somehow I didn't think that was the meaning. I couldn't see Bella using something like that as a screen name. Yet another minor frustration to add to my ever-growing list of things to wonder about.

Thoughts of Bella had seriously damaged my routine. They crept into my head at the oddest times. I wondered if she would like this song…that movie…that commercial. I wondered what she was doing at any given moment. I wondered how those delicate collarbones I kept seeing outlined against her shirt would look uncovered. Some of the images that came to me unbidden were…provocative, to say the least, and that had further disrupted my schedule.

As frustrating and sometimes inconvenient as it was, I enjoyed every little bit of it.

Bella was in my every thought – constantly on my mind – and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just…really didn't know what to do about it.

_Ugh, and here we are…right back where we started. Again._

_No thinking, remember?_

_Right._

I shook my head and turned off my monitor, standing up to leave. After quickly putting on my shoes and grabbing my keys and phone, I headed out the door.

When I arrived at Bella's, I felt extremely self-conscious walking up to her door in plaid flannel pajama pants. I took a deep breath and raised my hand to knock. Bella answered immediately, before my fist had even left the wood, and I had to smile.

My smile widened further when I saw that she was wearing the same pajamas as last time. And fuck me, but that X-Men shirt was going to be the death of me.

We stood there for a long moment, and I stared shamelessly, noticing the way the shirt hugged her curves while her flannel pants hung low on her hips. Her hair was up in that messy bun again, exposing her slender, graceful neck leading down to the very collarbones I had been imagining only moments earlier. My hand twitched at my side, and I fought to keep it carefully there and not let my fingers tangle in the tendrils of hair that had escaped to frame her face. She smelled delectable as always – that scent of freesia and strawberry and just…Bella…that I was coming to crave like an addict craves heroin.

I bit back a smile when I realized she was taking me in just as I was her. Her mouth was slightly agape, her lips arranged in a seductive little 'o' as her fathomless chocolate eyes widened. Her eyes traveled from my feet slowly up my body, and they came to rest on my glasses. I didn't know what she was thinking…but it felt good to have her at least look at me. Stupidly, I felt myself straighten, and I fought the urge to stick my chest out a bit – just like the fucking tramps at the gym. She bit her bottom lip and lowered her gaze finally, a tell-tale blush spreading on her cheeks.

My gaze focused on those lips, and I felt my breath catch. I stopped breathing for a moment, regaining control of myself. I had to keep myself in check. My body seemed to be acting of its own accord, and I could see myself – all too easily – attacking her without so much as a thought.

I couldn't afford to fuck this up, and thinking of Bella in that way would ensure that I did. I shook my head to clear it and offered her a genuine smile, forcing all my dirty thoughts to the back of my mind, where they would hopefully stay put for awhile. She smiled in response and stepped aside, motioning me in.

She looked down at the floor and then back up at me through her lashes. She really had no idea how tempting she was…

"Jasper went to pick up Alice," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "They should be back soon. Want something to drink?" She smiled shyly and then bit her bottom lip again.

I carefully kept my eyes trained on hers, seeing her lips only in my peripheral vision, so I was able to smile and say, "Sure, that sounds good," while sounding somewhat normal. I stepped to the side, and Bella reached past me to lock the door. I could feel the heat from her arm radiate against my waist, and I bit my own lip to keep from moaning aloud. What was she trying to do to me?

She turned and pressed her back against the wall. I was half a beat late in realizing what she wanted, but then I led the way to the kitchen. A part of me was seething…not at her, but at whatever had caused her to be so paranoid. And I really fucking hated that she was paranoid with me, even though I knew that was irrational. When it came to someone following her, she was this way with Jasper, too – and she was obviously more comfortable with him than anyone else in the world. It saddened me that she lived her life like this.

I stepped in the kitchen and leaned against the counter not far from the refrigerator, unsure of what to do with myself.

Bella glanced at me as she walked past, giving a small, slightly nervous smile that had me clenching my hands into fists as I worked to keep the anger off my face. Her voice was even, though, as she asked, "Do you want a beer?"

I forced a smile and said, "That sounds perfect." My smile became more genuine when Bella's did, and she bent into the fridge, her backside facing me. I struggled to suppress a moan and glanced quickly away, biting my bottom lip. It was like she was taunting me…and it was even more tempting to know she truly wasn't doing it on purpose. This was just…her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her straighten and turn, drawing my gaze. She walked to me slowly, reaching out to hand me my bottle. Our fingers met on the chilled glass, condensation beading and dripping over them as we both froze, our eyes locking as we touched. I felt my breathing speed, and part of my mind noticed the rise and fall of Bella's chest quickening. My mind was blank, reeling from the sudden charge that seemed to be arcing between us.

_Kiss her!_ My body was screaming.

_No! You can't! _My more rational side answered, almost panicked.

Just was I was about to do something incredibly stupid, I heard keys in the lock and Alice's voice sang, "We're here!"

I exhaled shakily.

"We're in the kitchen," Bella answered as she stepped backward, her face flushing as her eyes finally left mine. I felt frustrated. I wanted nothing more than to step up to her and finish what I'd nearly started. But that was a Bad. Fucking. Idea. So I leaned back against the counter and lifted my bottle to take a sip before noticing it still had the cap on.

"Oh!" Bella jumped and blushed, handing me a bottle opener. "Sorry about that…" She glanced up at me shyly through her lashes, and something in her expression seemed…relieved and…regretful. Unfortunately, the relief was all too easy to understand. But what the fuck did she regret? That we didn't kiss? That I had so obviously wanted to?

Before my frustration could grow further, Alice said, "Oh, no you don't!" She walked into the kitchen with Jasper following behind her, his arms filled with plastic grocery bags. My eyes widened as I looked at Alice – how the fuck did she know what I was thinking of doing? I glanced at Bella to see that she had the same expression. I chuckled. Bella smiled in response.

"Don't what?" Bella asked, confused. I smiled when I realized she sounded a touch frustrated too.

Alice skipped over and hugged her. Bella hugged her back mechanically, frowning slightly as she waited for Alice's answer.

"Don't you dare drink beer! We're making s'mores! Beer and chocolate just won't go at all," Alice trilled and clapped her hands. I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm and gave a small laugh. Bella glanced at me and grinned, shaking her head as she took my beer back and put them both in the refrigerator, closing the door. Jasper simply looked a little shell-shocked. I smirked at him.

_Good luck with that._

I loved Alice, but I was extremely thankful that I didn't have to date her – for more than one reason.

"Come on, you two…" Alice tugged on Bella's shirt, starting to drag her to the living room. Both Jasper and I stepped in front of the girls, leading the way. Jasper glanced at me and gave me a small smile, and I nodded in response - _Yes, I know she hates being followed._ I sighed.

In the living room, my eyes widened as I took in the blankets spread out along the floor with piles of pillows in front of the crackling fire. I glanced at Bella, and she shrugged, her expression clearly saying, _Blame Tinkerbell_.

I fucking _loved_ that I was learning to read her.

We shared a smile, and Bella moved to sit on the blanket, her back leaning against the loveseat. Ugh, once again, I was faced with a seating dilemma. And, once again, Bella solved it for me, simply smiling and patting the blanket to her right.

When I sat down, I left a foot or so between us. I wasn't sure I could trust myself if I could feel the heat from her body while we sat in front of a roaring fire. I was only human after all. Bella wore an expression that was becoming all too familiar – frustration and relief. I wondered which one was winning…but her face gave nothing away.

Jasper sat down on Bella's left, a little closer than I was, and Alice settled between his legs, leaning back against his chest. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. At least I wasn't right next to the happy couple.

Alice had obviously been busy being…Alice. She handed each of us a wire hanger that she had straightened out. Then she dug through one of the shopping bags, pulling out marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers.

And thus began one of the longest nights of my life.

It was simultaneously the best night and the worst night ever.

We talked and laughed, getting to know each other on a superficial level as we all teased and told stories. I watched in stunned silence as Bella pulled a marshmallow off her coat hanger, the gooey mess dripping down her fingers, which she licked clean while I swallowed and tried not to stare. Jasper ended up with melted chocolate all down his shirt, making both Alice and Bella giggle hysterically while we shrugged at each other.

As the evening wore on, we abandoned the sugar fest, and Alice moved us on to our next scheduled activity – playing Wii. It was while I was trying not to gape at Bella hula hooping from my seat on the floor beneath her that I glanced over and saw that Alice was watching me, a calculating look in her eyes.

_I know that fucking look. _ The pixie set me up.

I began to wonder just how much of this "spontaneous" pajama party was Alice's attempt to get Bella and me in the same room as much as possible. I thought about being annoyed at her interference until I realized I was…grateful. Whatever her plan was, she had at least given me some more time with Bella. Even if I was going to go fucking insane before this night was over.

I was beginning to think maybe Emmett was right…maybe I _couldn't_ just be Bella's friend. But…what did I do then? It wasn't like I could just go to her, take her in my arms, and make her mine. I mean…she had issues. Serious issues. And it had been so long since I'd actually _dated_ anyone – been with anyone I cared about. I wasn't exactly in practice. What if I fucked it up? What if I messed things up so bad that I could never see her again? What if…

_Stop. Fucking. Thinking._

_Just go with it. Remember?_

I sighed softly and shook my head, blinking to take my gaze off Bella's swaying hips. I caught Alice watching me again, and I smirked at her. She beamed back, and I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

Did she not realize the dangerous game she was playing? I already had a hard enough time controlling myself around Bella – and it's not like my losing control would be good for either of us. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt Bella more than she already had been. I wanted to help her heal…not make her worse.

And here Alice was throwing her in my face, making her writhe in ways that were sure to provide me with hours of shower material for weeks to come. Did she truly not realize the nature of the monster she was taunting?

_Asexual._

I suddenly remembered Alice's word for me…surely, though…after watching me watch Bella, she couldn't truly believe there was no danger – could she? I mean, it had to be beyond obvious. Didn't it? I frowned to myself, trying to understand this new puzzle.

I heard Bella celebrating as she beat Alice's record. She threw her fists in the air and cheered before giggling and hugging Alice. I smiled up at her, all my musing forgotten. She smiled brightly and skipped back over, sitting down a little closer than she had been before. I had been lounging on my left hip with my legs out to the side, my weight supported on my left elbow, so my head was just level with Bella's shoulder and close enough that I could smell her intoxicating fragrance, heightened by the light sheen of perspiration brightening her skin.

I thought about sitting up, but I rather liked where I was…and _she_ had chosen to sit so close.

_Just go with it._

So I did. I stayed where I was, the palm of my left hand resting on the blanket mere inches from Bella's hand.

We both turned our eyes to Jasper as he stepped up and began hitting soccer balls with his head. I was watching the TV, laughing as one of the panda heads smacked him, when I felt something tentatively brush against my pinkie. I glanced at Bella out of the corner of my eye, but she had her gaze focused on Jasper, so I peeked down to see that her hand was resting just against mine as if by accident, our pinkies flush against each other. I bit back a smile, just happy to have her touching me, even if it wasn't intentional.

And then my breath caught when I felt movement. I looked down again, and…Bella was caressing me. Just her pinkie lightly brushing against mine, but…but it was intentional. No doubt about it. She kept her eyes carefully focused on Jasper, but her cheeks were a bright pink, reassuring me that yes, she knew exactly what she was doing.

My heart felt like it would burst. Bella liked me. Not like she liked Jasper or Alice…she _liked_ me. In some way – and I didn't know how much yet – she wanted me.

As quickly as my mood soared, I felt despair threatening…I had no clue what to do now – how to make sure I didn't hurt her.

_Just. Fucking. Go. With. It._

My mental voice was getting pissy, probably from having to remind me so often of my own decision. To make both me and my voice happy, I took its advice…and I just went with it.

I smiled quietly, playing Bella's little game. I kept my gaze focused on Jasper and the TV as well as I gently caressed her pinkie in return. In my peripheral vision, I saw her lips curl into a broader smile that made me bolder.

When her little finger dipped down, I slipped mine over hers, linking our pinkies so that they were nestled together on the ground. And then Bella did something I never expected. She glanced over at me, her face closer than it had ever been, and…she smiled softly. Not shyly or uncertainly. Just gently…happily.

I could have died a happy man right then.

And I realized I would do anything – _anything -_ to see her smile at me like that again. I smiled in return, my heart racing at this simple, innocent gesture. I was so fucking hers.

Emmett had been right all along. The bastard usually was.

We sat that way while we watched Jasper and Alice play for awhile. Eventually, Alice insisted it was my turn again, and I was nearly angry that I had to stand up and play. I just wanted to touch Bella – marvel at the softness of her skin that I was only beginning to learn, let myself get lost in the happiness that she wanted me too, no matter if it meant something different to her or not. But I would play my part to the best of my ability, so I stood…and lost quickly so that I could sit back down beside her.

Alice tried to make Bella play again then, but she said she'd had enough. She stuck to it, too, despite Alice's best pixie pout – she was stronger than I was. And I smiled when I felt Bella slip her pinkie back under mine. I curled mine around hers, and I marveled at how such a little thing could be so exciting. It was like I was in middle school again. I had never loved anything more.

Not long after that, Alice's mental clock determined it was time for the next item on her agenda. She turned off the TV and declared it, "Picture time!" before sending Jasper to the bookshelf to retrieve photo albums. Bella groaned and gave my pinkie a single caress before she stood and moved to one end of the bigger couch. She looked up at me a little shyly, as if offering me a choice of where to sit. I hesitated for half a second and then sat in the middle.

Alice skipped over, saying, "Scoot over, Edward!" as she shoved me lightly. I looked to make sure Bella would be alright with that, and she nodded, biting her bottom lip. I slid down as both Alice and Jasper sat on my left, and my body was closer to Bella's than it had ever been. I held my breath for a moment, adjusting to the feel of her heat washing over me as her thigh brushed mine.

I didn't trust myself to look at her just yet, so I focused instead on the album in Alice's hands. Bella leaned in a bit to get a better look, as did Jasper from Alice's other side. I heard Bella groan when she realized which album Alice held.

"Ugh, wouldn't you rather look at Jasper's baby pictures?" she asked, nearly whining.

Alice giggled. "No, I've seen those! I want to see you…"

Bella sighed and grumbled, muttering something under her breath. Alice began turning the pages slowly, stopping to ask questions or exclaim over something. Bella was a cute baby and an adorable little girl, and I could just hear my mind wanting to ask what our children might look like. I didn't give it the chance.

I noticed that there were many pictures of Bella with band aids and bruises and even a few with her in casts or slings. Huh, I hadn't realized she was so clumsy…I decided to pay more attention to see if maybe she still was, and I'd just failed to really notice.

As we moved through the years of Bella's life, I recognized the things about her that never changed…those beautiful chocolate-colored eyes had always been deep and expressive. Her bottom lip had always been just a little bit too large to match – it made her even more desirable to me. She still had the same way of tilting her head to the side, and there were several pictures of her biting her bottom lip.

But I also noticed that her expression in the pictures was so…carefree. So light and happy and innocent. It was an expression I had caught only glimpses of – and those few and far between. It seemed she had once worn such an expression nearly all the time.

I frowned to myself, still studying the photos of Bella as I watched her time pass on the pages. When Bella was around eight or so, I would guess, I saw a boy I recognized as a young Jasper begin to appear. There was often another girl with them – I assumed she must be Jasper's twin. There were some similarities, though they didn't look that much alike from what I could tell. Just as I was about to ask about her, Alice said, "This is Rosalie, right?"

Bella nodded and answered, "Yeah, that's Rose…we were all together a lot when we were young. She sort of went her own way more in middle school."

Even that early, the comfortable relationship between Bella and Jasper just screamed off the pages. They had their arms thrown across each other's shoulders, silly smiles that revealed their missing teeth beaming on their faces. Rosalie often stood a little bit off to the side, smiling as well, but looking somehow more…prim and proper. Dignified, maybe, if that word can apply to a little girl.

I watched Bella grow up before my eyes, smiling at the little girl she had been. It was comforting to me that Jasper had always been there for her, and I tried to ignore the irrational jealousy that occasionally reared its head.

A third girl began showing up in the pictures when they were in around fourth grade, I would guess. She had blond hair just like Jasper and Rosalie, making Bella stand out even more. Rosalie still stood off to the side a bit, but this girl was right in the middle of things with Bella and Jasper. There were shots of them all giggling together. A picture of them holding fish they had caught – Rosalie was missing from that one. An adorable picture of all four of them in baseball gear – Bella's hat was on a little crooked, and she had the biggest grin on her face, her eyes sparkling.

After a couple of pages with this mystery girl, Alice traced her finger along the girl's form. "Is this Jessica?" she asked quietly. Bella bit her bottom lip but said nothing, and Jasper whispered, "Yeah…"

No one said anything more, and it was clear the subject was closed. But fucking hell, I was tired of being frustrated and tiptoeing and not knowing things that other people clearly knew. So, perhaps belligerently, I asked, "Who's Jessica?"

Jasper glanced over Alice's head at Bella, and I heard her take in a small, sharp breath. She exhaled slowly and said, "She was a good friend of ours. We…we don't talk to her anymore."

Obviously, there was more to this story, and I was going to get it. I turned to look at her, ready to force the story out of her. She raised her eyes to mine, and she was just begging me to drop it. I frowned at her. Her eyes pleaded, and she looked so…so _sad_.

My anger and frustration drained as I exhaled, and without thinking, I reached over and squeezed her hand. Her eyes widened, but she returned the squeeze and gave me a small smile. I noticed Alice and Jasper were studiously ignoring us.

I wanted to kiss her. So badly. Just a kiss on her forehead, something comforting…but I didn't think she would find that comforting, so I squeezed her hand once more and then let go with a sigh.

We returned to looking at the pictures, and I noticed the Bella seemed to be growing more and more tense at my side as the months and years advanced. She pulled her feet up in front of her and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees as she watched. I wanted to know what she was thinking, but there was no way to find out, so I focused instead on the album in Alice's lap.

I saw pictures of Bella in braces, Bella with bad haircuts, Bella making silly faces…and I realized that I saw beauty in each of them.

In the middle of their high school years, there was suddenly a decline in the number of pictures. I frowned slightly.

From my side, Bella whispered, "Junior year…when I moved to Phoenix."

That was all she said, and something in her tone made me look over at her. She was sitting with her eyes closed, her cheek resting against her knees. I wondered if maybe she was tired, but something told me that wasn't it.

Intrigued by the idea that maybe I was discovering something of her mysterious past, I took to studying the pictures more closely. There were only a few of Bella alone, and I assumed those were when she was actually in Phoenix. At Halloween, though, there was suddenly an influx of photos, all with Jasper and many with Rosalie and Jessica as well.

And holy hell…my concern for Bella faded into the back of my mind as I took in her costume. She was dressed in tiny yellow shorts with a matching top, and thin black suspenders snaked up her body in intriguing ways. A short red shirt was barely hanging on her arms, buttoned in one place just beneath her chest. Thigh highs covered her legs, topped with white leather boots, and her dark hair was shorter and held back by a yellow headband.

_Fuck. Me. _

_Hard._

Alice giggled, interrupting the dirtiest thoughts I'd yet had of Bella as I imagined her in that costume now. I took a shaky breath, embarrassed and disappointed in myself, but…my eyes just would not leave her form.

"What were you guys?" Alice asked, laughter still in her voice. It was then that I finally noticed the others in the pictures.

Jasper had dark greenish hair standing up in all directions. _Kind of like mine_. I smirked. He was wearing a blue suit with a yellow shirt, all rumpled and casual looking. A fake gun was raised in his hand, and Bella stood with her back to him, one foot raised off the ground behind her. The other girl, Jessica, was dressed in a form-fitting black bodysuit beneath an open overcoat with the collar turned up. It probably would have been nice, but – honestly – it did nothing for me, especially with Bella standing there. Jessica was standing close to Jasper, and her eyes were on him rather than the camera.

"Well, I was Spike…that's Faye…" Jasper said, touching the image of Bella, "and that's Julia…" touching Jessica now. "From _Cowboy Bebop_. That was the year we discovered them." He grinned, and even Bella smiled quietly, her eyes still closed.

Alice giggled again, looking over each of the Halloween pictures carefully before turning the page. The next page was confusing. I'd been expecting Thanksgiving pictures or maybe Christmas, but it was full of pictures of a quiet, overcast beach. I wasn't sure which beach it was, but it was definitely back in Washington.

I studied the figures huddled together, sitting on driftwood trees not far from the crashing surf in the background. They were all bundled up, and it took a moment to spot Jasper. His blond hair and fairer skin made him stand out from the other guys. They mostly seemed to be Native American, and I wondered who, exactly they were.

I had seen them in other pictures here and there – picnics and birthday parties and just hanging out. They were usually smiling and laughing, but not this time. Their eyes, Jasper's included, were hard, and the few smiles I saw seemed forced. I wondered what would make them look so angry.

And then Alice and I both gasped audibly when we recognized the small girl sitting in the middle of them all. Bella's chin was lowered, but her eyes gazed into the camera. There was no expression on her face at all, her cheeks were sunken, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. Her body seemed frail and thin beneath the long sleeved t-shirt she wore, and her hair was hanging limply around her face. As I studied the picture more, I realized all the guys were turned toward her slightly, and the expressions on their faces became clearer. They were…protective. Of my Bella.

"Oh, Bella…is that after…?" Alice's voice began as a whisper and trailed off further.

Bella nodded against her knees, her eyes still closed. I saw a single tear trickle down onto her pants. I realized I had tensed up, and my hands were fists on my thighs. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit _someone_. Whoever this fucking asshole was who had hurt Bella. He needed to die.

No.

He needed to fucking suffer. For a long fucking time. And then die.

Preferably at my hands.

Jasper knelt on the floor, leaning over to rest his hand on Bella's head. Her eyes fluttered open, and she gave him a small smile, sitting up and wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Alice's voice was small and regretful. Bella smiled at her quietly and reached across me as Jasper returned to his seat. She squeezed Alice's hand.

"It's alright, Tink," she whispered, her voice a little husky with the remnants of her tears. They stared at each other for a long minute before Bella smiled a little more warmly and nodded. Alice nodded in return and turned the page, beginning to talk a little more as she moved into pictures from college. I was relieved when I began to see Bella's smile return in the photos…but I noticed that that carefree look never did. It had been replaced by melancholy and a hint of fear.

I longed to help her find that happiness again.


	12. Wrath and Raiding

**A/N:** You know I don't own anything at all. I just like to play with the wonderful characters of Ms. Stephenie Meyers.

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**EPOV**

When I woke up Sunday morning, I was livid. My frustrations from the night before had stewed and festered in my sleep, bubbling over as soon as my eyes opened to the weak light of my bedroom.

_I have to fucking know._

I squinted at my clock and saw that it was just after noon. I'd stayed at Bella and Jasper's until 4:00 or so before heading home. Alice had shot me a _look_, but there was no way I was going to stay. It was just too awkward and potentially embarrassing. Plus, I didn't want to make Bella more uncomfortable than she had to be. She and I had yet to really _talk_, and until that happened, I just didn't feel right spending the night there.

After we'd finally put the photo albums away, things had slowly gone back to normal, but now…now I saw Bella's distance for how foreign it really was to her. This shouldn't be her normal. This wasn't who she had been. A part of me died when I realized that this motherfucker – whoever he was – had broken Bella to the point that her entire personality had changed.

Died…and was reborn into wrath.

It burned within me now, seething just under the surface.

I was pissed off at the world. At the unnamed bastard. At myself. At Bella. At myself for being pissed off at Bella.

I raked my fingers through my hair, tangling them and pulling with a growl in my frustration. I fumbled for my glasses on my bedside table and put them on. Then I shoved the covers off of me and stalked from my room down the hall to the kitchen in my boxers.

Once there, I slammed around in the cupboards, retrieving the coffee beans and dumping them into the grinder. My teeth ground along with the beans, and I found myself pacing after I put the coffee on to brew. I hadn't turned the heat up when I'd returned early this morning, and the air in the apartment was chilled, but my anger and the movement kept me warm.

When I'd made the ten-step circuit around my kitchen too many times to count, I realized that my anger wasn't dissipating at all. I wasn't due back at Bella's for the raid until around 6:30 tonight, and I couldn't spend the day trapped in my apartment. I would go insane. And likely break something.

I really needed to study, but my mind was too embroiled in my frustration to concentrate. I stopped in the middle of my kitchen, realizing for the first time that my bare feet were freezing. I exhaled loudly.

And then I did what I always do. I went searching for my phone to call Emmett.

I found it on the floor of my bedroom, in the pocket of the flannel pants I'd worn last night. I sat down on the edge of my bed with a sigh, my anger finally tempered a bit as the sight of them reminded me of my nervousness and how Bella had looked when she answered the door. I smiled quietly, remembering her gentle curves and the innocent blush on her cheeks as she studied me.

With a groan, I flopped back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I was a fucking wreck because of this girl. I felt a bizarre mixture of anger and desire and excitement and frustration and possessiveness and other emotions I couldn't even name. And fuck me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I wished like hell that there was no need for the anger and frustration, but…for her, I would go through anything.

I gave a small smile and shook my head in disbelief. My hand rose mechanically, and I pressed the necessary buttons to call Emmett. I lowered the phone to my ear and listened to it ringing.

"Yeah, I can meet you," he answered.

I had to laugh. "How the fuck did you know I wanted to meet?"

"You saw Bella last night, right?" he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, asshole. Hey, do you want to make up for the workout we missed yesterday?"

I heard Emmett laughing at me as he answered, "Yeah, we can do that. I'll meet you at the gym in half an hour?"

We spoke for a couple of minutes more, confirming our plans. I stood and tossed the phone on the bed before going back into the kitchen to fix a cup of coffee. This time I added cream and sugar before I carried my cup with me to the bathroom.

I started the water in the shower and leaned against the counter, sipping quietly as I thought. I did my best to ignore the anger, choosing instead to focus on the good parts of last night. And what good parts they were…

I laughed softly at my own giddiness, remembering how it had felt when Bella had touched me so willingly. Her little finger had been so small and delicate tangled with mine, and the feel of her skin was so soft.

By now, I knew exactly where this was headed. My morning shower routine had become dominated by my fantasies of Bella, and truthfully, I no longer tried to fight it. These indulgences had actually become one of my favorite parts of the day despite the lingering sense of guilt I sometimes felt. So I took off my glasses and closed my eyes, then sipped my coffee and searched through my memories for the most tantalizing images to weave into this particular fantasy.

With my eyes still closed, I set my mug on the counter and pushed my boxers to the floor, stepping into the shower as my mind lingered on the curve of Bella's waist, finally revealed to me in the Halloween pictures from last night. Combined with the sensation of her soft skin as she had caressed my pinkie, I now had much more intriguing material to work with.

Before, I had always kept myself carefully out of these fantasies, instead pleasuring myself to images of her alone – as if that could somehow absolve some of my guilt. Now…after last night and the possibility that Bella wanted me…I wanted more.

For the first time ever, I allowed myself to think about taking her in my arms, trailing kisses along her neck to those damn collarbones that kept taunting me. I imagined nibbling on them lightly as Bella's fingers tangled in my hair, her slender body pressed tightly against mine. I watched my hands slide slowly down her back, coming to rest on the curves of her ass as I pulled her even closer.

The memory of her scent fueled my desire, and I moaned as the mental images danced behind my eyelids while I wrapped my hand around my straining erection. Truly, it made no sense how these relatively innocent thoughts could make my heart race and my breathing turn to panting, but the distance I had to keep from Bella made every second of contact that much more exciting to me.

I envisioned her kissing me deeply, her tongue caressing mine while her hands slid down my chest. As her hands continued their journey and came to rest just below my waist, I heard my sharp intake of breath and my slow strokes became more forceful pumps.

When my dream Bella unzipped my pants and slid her hand inside, squeezing and stroking as she nibbled on my bottom lip with that irresistible smirk I'd seen only once, I bit my own lip, increasing my pace and panting through my teeth. I squeezed my length as she did, imagining the way her breasts would feel pressed against me as her hand explored my body for the first time, and I felt my cock throbbing in my hand as my release spilled against the shower wall.

_Fuck._

My brain couldn't form anything more coherent than that single curse for a long moment as I worked to regulate my breathing. Finally, I opened my eyes and smirked at myself. If I had that little self-control with just the thought of Bella, what would happen to me when she actually touched me?

_You mean _if_ she ever touches you…_

Just like that, my wrath flared anew. I had fewer doubts now that Bella wanted to be with me. But that motherfucker…he had fucked her up. I didn't know how, but something he had done had left her broken and afraid. And damn it, she shouldn't have to live her life in fear.

She would never have to be afraid of me, and it pissed me off to no end that she was, even if it was just a little bit. She was trying, and I knew I would have to be patient – and I would be. I would wait until the end of time for her if I had to. I just hated that there was all this shit in our way that made my patience necessary.

She deserved better than that.

_I have to fucking know._

If I were going to help Bella, if we were going to be able to move past this to the relationship I thought we both wanted, I had to know what had happened to her. Part of me felt anguished at bringing up such painful memories for her, but fucking hell, we weren't going to get anywhere without that conversation.

It was with thoughts such as these that grew angrier with each passing second that I finished my shower, not bothering to shave in my agitation. I stepped out when I was finished and dried quickly before putting my contacts in again. I knew I wouldn't be at Bella's that late tonight, and I hated working out in glasses.

I dressed in a hurry, grabbing clothes from the laundry basket since I hadn't bothered to put them up yet. I idly noticed that the introduction of Bella into my life was causing everything else to fall in importance, and my apartment was actually becoming a bit of a mess.

Throwing a change of clothes into my gym bag, I headed out the door. As I started my car, the calming sounds of Debussy poured through the speakers.

_Fuck that._

I flipped through my CDs until I found something hard, not even noticing what it was as I cranked the volume and flew down the streets to the gym.

I hated feeling like this. I always felt less in control when I was pissed off, more likely to just snap at something stupid, but I couldn't help myself. And one of the major problems when I got this way was…I didn't _want_ to help myself. I just wanted to hit something.

Which is why I'd called Emmett to work out. Maybe the physical activity would do me some good.

I wasn't hopeful.

As I was pulling into the parking lot, I reflexively glanced down at the clock, noticing that I was about ten minutes late again. I shrugged and got out.

Emmett was waiting near the free weights, and he raised an eyebrow as I walked toward him. I realized I was really stalking, but like I said…didn't fucking care.

"You okay, man?" he asked when I got close enough. It was telling that he actually looked concerned rather than amused for once.

"Fine," I lied and motioned for him to lie down on the bench. His eyes widened, and he looked at me for a minute before he finally moved.

We didn't say anything else for awhile as I spotted him and he returned the favor. He kept glancing at me with his brow furrowed, and I knew he was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. In my present state of mind, his scrutiny just irritated me more. When he wasn't looking at me like some fucking therapy case, I noticed he was scanning the gym, looking for his next conquest to no avail. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"What's your fucking problem today?" he finally said when we'd repeated this cycle for the third time.

"I don't have a problem," I answered belligerently.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, muttering something I didn't quite catch under his breath.

"Want to say that shit louder?" I asked.

He looked at me pointedly but didn't say anything. His silence said enough. _I know you're trying to pick a fight, and it's not going to fucking work._

Heh, we'd see about that.

The rest of our time at the gym went much the same way. Emmett was trying his best not to react to my antagonism, but it was starting to wear on him. When we finished, we both straightened in silence and walked to the locker room.

I noticed he seemed withdrawn and had a pensive expression on his face. Somewhere deep inside, I wondered what was wrong. Unfortunately, thoughtful Edward was nowhere to be found right now. Edward-the-Fuckhole, however, was ready and waiting.

I sneered at Emmett and said, "Can't believe you're having to go home to your hand? You are such a fucking whore."

Something in Emmett snapped. I saw it on his face as his jaw clenched and his eyes darkened with fury. Then he slammed into me so fast I didn't see it happen, his shoulder hitting my ribs with all the precision he'd gained as a linebacker. We crashed into the lockers and fell to the ground, and I felt a sickening punch to the ribs before my own anger erupted. With a strength I didn't know I had, I shoved Emmett off of me, rolling myself above him and swinging at his face with all my might. My fist met his jaw with a crunch, and I felt the reverberations all the way to my shoulder. It felt fucking _great_.

Emmett growled, "Fucking asshole!" as his fist connected with my jaw, and I fell backwards, cracking my head on a bench before landing flat on my back. I felt Emmett jump up, but my fury dissolved into nearly hysterical laughter as I stared at the bench.

Nothing else happened for a few minutes as I lay giggling stupidly. I felt the ridiculous smile on my face, and I knew that this was hardly humor. This was helplessness and confusion.

My laughter started to fade, but I didn't move, noticing the cobwebs and disgusting buildup of dust on the underside of the metal bench. Finally, I saw Emmett move into my field of vision as he sat down a couple of feet away, leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees and peer down at me. He arched an eyebrow and waited.

"I am so fucked, Emmett," I finally said with a sigh, sitting up and resting my back against the bench. I raised my knees and buried both hands in my hair, my gaze moving to the floor.

The movement caused pain to flare in my head, and I felt a sharp ache in my ribs. "Fuck, did you have to hit me so hard?"

He laughed, and I heard bewilderment in his voice. "Yeah, 'cause this shit is all my fault, right?"

I finally raised my head and looked over at him with a laugh. "Yeah, man…sorry I was such an asshole."

"I'm used to it," he said with his familiar amused, dimple-inducing grin now on his face. He knew the worst of my little tantrum was over. He stood up, frowning as he rubbed his jaw. "Now, if you're done being a fucking douche bag, let's get cleaned up and go grab some pizza so we can talk about whatever's got you all fucked up."

I sighed before I finally nodded and stood with a groan. _Fuck._ I needed to learn to pick fights with people my own size.

Emmett's smile broadened when he noticed me rubbing my ribs, but I caught his wince as the motion put strain on his jaw. He was definitely going to have one hell of a bruise. Of course, so was I.

_I really am fucking stupid sometimes._

_Just sometimes?_

_Yeah, that wasn't predictable._

_Shut up._

Thankfully, my scuffle with Emmett, however brief, had quenched some of the unbridled rage I'd felt. I was still pissed the fuck off, but I felt more in control of my actions.

After we'd showered and gotten dressed, we took our own cars to the pizza parlor just down the street. We didn't speak again until we'd settled into a booth with a pitcher of beer in front of us.

Emmett stared at me from his seat across the table and didn't say anything. Obviously, it was going to be up to me to start this shit.

I took a long drink from my mug, appreciating the chill and flavor before I sighed. "Alright, so…obviously, I'm a fucking mess," I began. I explained the events from last night, beginning with the way Bella and I had checked each other out standing at the door and our almost-moment in the kitchen. Emmett smiled knowingly at that but kept his mouth shut.

I told him about the moments of unending, unintentional temptation with Bella, from her licking melted marshmallow off herself to her gyrating her hips while playing Wii. I even told him about Bella brushing her pinkie against mine, and my cheeks flared as I realized how stupid it sounded, but Emmett just nodded and sipped his beer, not quite meeting my eye.

When I got around to describing the photo albums, I felt my scowl forming again. I told Emmett about how carefree she'd looked early on, and I found myself explaining the weird jealousy I felt over Jasper sometimes. After I went on about it for awhile, I realized I was trying to justify it to myself, when – truly – there was no justification possible. I was simply jealous that he'd known her so long and she was so comfortable with him.

I couldn't resist describing the Halloween pictures, and Emmett glanced up with a grin on his face as he listened.

"Holy fuck, Emmett…you don't understand. She was barely covered and…damn. I mean, she's gorgeous regardless, but seeing her like that…so confident and comfortable in that sexy fucking outfit…" I shook my head, my eyes wide, as Emmett laughed at me.

"Thank fucking god…" Emmett said, grinning. "I was beginning to wonder if Alice wasn't right about you."

I rolled my eyes and laughed with him. "No, asswipe. I was never…unaffected. I just can't…" I sighed, not wanting to get into this conversation with him again.

He smiled, his eyes gleaming with mischief. "Nah, man, I know. I just like giving you a hard time. Seriously, though, it's good to see you actually interested in someone." He left the statement there, but it really seemed to me like he wanted to say more. I arched an eyebrow and waited, but he didn't continue.

After a moment or two of utter silence at our table, the waitress arrived with our pizza. She was a tall, leggy blond wearing the skin-tight T-shirt that qualified as a uniform in this place, and I was surprised when Emmett just looked her over and turned back to me. I mean, don't get me wrong…he fucking leered. But he didn't even try to talk to her.

As she walked away, I looked at Emmett pointedly, my eyes wide. He didn't meet my gaze, just helped himself to a slice of pizza, not bothering with a plate.

He swallowed and said, "So what happened then?"

Obviously, he didn't want to talk about it, but there was something on his mind. And, from the looks of things, it was something serious. Emmett didn't just pass up blonds built like that every day. I frowned at him but thought about his question before answering it.

"Alright, so the next pictures were weird. They were all taken on the beach somewhere in Washington. I don't really know where, but the day was all overcast, and it was kind of misty – they looked almost black and white because of it. Anyway, there were all these guys in them, all sitting on driftwood trees, and in the middle of them was Bella. Fuck, Emmett…she looked like hell. I mean, dark circles, sunken cheeks, limp hair…the whole thing. And her eyes…her eyes were fucking dead. And all these guys were sort of…hovering around her, like goddamn guardians or something." I meant to say more, but I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and was surprised to realize that I felt like I was going to cry. Just the thought of her…so defenseless, so broken. It made me want to bawl like a baby. And rip someone's head off.

I finally took a slice of pizza myself, biting into it. It turned to ashes in my mouth, the taste completely disgusting, but I swallowed it anyway, trying my best to force the lump away at the same time. When I felt like I could talk again, I continued, and I heard my voice break.

"I can't stand not fucking knowing what happened to her, Em. I go from this crazy euphoria like I've never felt before to just wanting to crush someone's skull and back in an instant. I don't know what I'm doing or how to treat her, and it'll fucking kill me if I ever hurt her. I'm scared as hell to get close to her, but I know I can't stay away. I need her, Em. It's the most bizarre fucking thing ever, but she's…she's everything to me…" By the end, I was staring at the ugly red-and-white checkered pattern of the tablecloth, my voice barely a whisper.

I sighed, and then I took a deep breath, knowing I had something else I needed to tell him. "You were right, man. I can't just be her friend. And I'm going to have to fucking talk to her soon, or I'll go insane."

Emmett didn't say anything, and I finally risked looking up. I expected a smug smirk or something, but I was surprised to see he simply looked…thoughtful. And maybe a little sad.

"Em? What's up, man?" I asked, frowning a bit.

He gave a small smile and shook his head. "Nothing…"

I arched an eyebrow and threw his favorite word back at him. "Bullshit."

He laughed weakly. "Seriously, it's nothing," he said again.

"That's fucking bullshit, Emmett. What's wrong with you?" I persisted, getting a little annoyed as I just poured my heart out to him and opened myself up to all sorts of ridicule. The least he could do was tell me what was bothering him.

He rolled his eyes and looked away. I followed his gaze and realized he was staring at the blond waitress, but not in a sexual way. He looked…sad. Again. I frowned. This was not the Emmett I knew.

"Emmett," I said, not asking this time. "Talk to me, man. What is it?"

He muttered something under his breath and sighed, taking a drink of his beer. "I'm fucking jealous, that's what," he finally said.

That wasn't at all what I'd expected. Confused, I blinked at him a few times, trying to figure out the hell he was talking about. "Jealous? Of what?" My voice was incredulous.

"Of you," he said, finally looking me in the eye.

My look of utter confusion must have been stunning.

He gave a short, sharp exhale and shook his head. "You…you're all confused and excited and fucking euphoric over this girl you just met. It makes me jealous." He shrugged.

"You're jealous that I'm a fucking wreck…I'm into a girl that I can't even touch…and I don't even know how to really talk to her?" I laughed bleakly.

He growled. "You don't even see what you have, asshole. Alright, so there are definitely some problems that you guys have to work through, but what you have is _real_, man. It's something you actually feel."

"Yeah, some really big fucking problems," I muttered under my breath.

"Oh my god!" he nearly yelled at me. "You are such a morose cocksucker sometimes, you know that? You've got this amazing girl that you can't stop talking about. You know now that she's interested in you. You're all fucking giddy over some goddamn pinkie holding, and you want me to feel sorry for you because you've got to work on trusting each other? Pardon me if I don't break out the fucking funeral procession and play you a dirge on the bagpipes." His chest was heaving with his anger, and he muttered to himself darkly.

He didn't say anything else, just rested his elbows on the table and raked his fingers through his hair. I had never seen Emmett like this. Never.

Finally, he spoke again, his face hidden by his arms. "I'm so tired of it, Edward. I want something else. I want someone to be fucking giddy over too."

I sat watching him, furrowing my brow as I took in what he had said.

"You know…you could always try talking to them first," I said bluntly. "Like actually _talking_, not groping with a word thrown in here and there."

Emmett laughed and lowered his hands. I was happy to see that his grin – dimples and all – was back. I didn't know what to do with a depressed Emmett. "That could be a good place to start," he allowed. "I never thought I'd say it, but I'm just so damn tired of taking someone different home every night."

I grinned at him, trying to lighten the mood. "Maybe you could cut down to someone new every other night?"

He chuckled. "Maybe."

I stared at him for a minute. "I thought I was the moody bitch," I laughed.

"Oh, you are _definitely_ the bitch," he said with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. I knew that, for the moment, both of our moods had passed, but I realized that the changes they signified were anything but fleeting.

_Huh. Maybe we're growing up?_

'_Bout fucking time._

_Fuck you._

After that, our conversation moved on to safer topics. We talked about Emmett's business, the ridiculous amount of work I really needed to finish for school, and even our plans for Thanksgiving. After an hour or so, we both realized we needed to get home, so I picked up the check in a silent apology for being such an ass all day, and Emmett chuckled at me. We parted ways in the parking lot and drove home.

I spent the rest of the afternoon working on research for a project in my Hematology class. I had intended to have it done before now, but I was spending so much of my free time with Bella that my schoolwork was seriously starting to suffer. At one time, that would have bothered me. Now…I just smiled. Emmett was right, really. So what if we had things to work through? At least I had Bella in my life.

_But…_

My little voice tried to nag, but I really didn't feel like listening, so I tuned it out by turning up the volume on my iPod and singing along as I studied. I sprawled out on my bed with my laptop, books lying open and discarded all around me as I finished with them.

Surprisingly, I was able to concentrate and got a lot done, meaning I might actually finish the project on time. At 6:00, I shut down the laptop and stood, stretching with a groan. I resolved not to be such a girl tonight and just wear what I'd put on at the gym.

Still, I couldn't help going to the mirror to make sure I looked alright. When I saw the gray T-shirt I was wearing, my resolve was nearly broken, and I almost changed. But I remained strong, and instead decided to take my dark blue denim jacket.

I heard a mental snicker.

_What? It's just cold out._

_Riiiiiight…it's alright. You can be a girl._

_Fuck you._

I wondered if it was a bad sign that my voices kept telling each other off today.

I studied my face in the mirror, sighing when I saw that one side of my jaw was swelling. At least my scruff hid the bruise that was forming. I still looked like some sort of deranged hamster hording food away in my cheek.

There was nothing I could do about it, so I just put on my shoes, grabbed my keys and my phone, and went to my car with a stupid grin on my face. It was ridiculous how happy I was that it was time to leave for Bella's.

When I glanced at the clock as I pulled into the parking lot at Bella's complex, I laughed at myself. It was 6:27. I never got anywhere on time. At all. But apparently, Bella was a completely different case.

I walked up to her door with a spring in my step - yes, seriously - and realized I still had a silly grin on my face when I knocked on the door. I tried to compose myself but failed miserably, and I was actually a little surprised and annoyed when Jasper answered the door. I felt my face fall as he smiled and said, "Edward! Hey, man…come on in. Bella's in the office getting ready."

He stepped to the side as I walked in. He stopped to lock the door and then said, "Want something to drink?" as he instinctively stepped in front of me and led the way. I wondered if he did that with everyone now, or if it was because I was a relatively new guest.

Truthfully, I just wanted to get to the office to see Bella, but I didn't want to be rude – and I really didn't want to appear quite as whipped as I was, so I said, "Yeah, that sounds good," and followed him into the kitchen.

I could hear Bella's muted voice as Jasper and I made small talk in the kitchen, and I wondered who she was talking to. He got a beer for each of us and another for Bella, sticking slices of lime in the top of each after he opened them. A part of me was ridiculously pleased when he handed me two of them. I had no idea why I liked the thought of being the one to give Bella hers, but I did. My stupidity knew no bounds.

As we made our way to the office, Jasper in the lead again, Bella's voice became clearer. She seemed to be giving instructions of some sort. We walked into the room, and Bella turned slightly in her chair, beaming a smile at me, though she never interrupted her explanation. I noticed she was wearing a small microphone just in front of her mouth.

_As if I need anything else to draw attention to her lips…_

All my inner voices sighed softly.

"Remember we're starting at Kael'thas tonight, so leads, make sure your people know their roles. Tanks have their assignments." Something about her voice, so strong and sure and in control, went straight to my crotch, and I felt myself harden slightly.

_Fuck_.

That could be a problem.

Then she surprised the hell out of me – and Jasper too, judging from his expression – when she said, "Everyone, we have an outside observer that I'm hoping to convert watching us tonight. Say hi to Edward, guys," her eyes on me the whole time with that bright smile on her face.

I heard several different voices speaking over each other, all calling out various greetings through her speakers. We all three laughed at some of the sillier voices before Bella looked down at her screen and frowned. She grumbled beneath her breath and typed something quickly, and then she looked over her shoulder at Jasper and said, "Jake needs to back the fuck off."

I frowned, defensive as I wondered who the hell Jake was and what sort of problems he was giving her. But she turned in her chair just then, clearly not that bothered as she slipped off her headphones and tossed them onto her desk. She glanced over at Jasper again and said, "Jazz, can you take over for a bit?"

I was momentarily disappointed to see that she wasn't wearing her X-Men shirt, but I quickly forgot about that as she stood up and took a couple of steps toward me. She stopped suddenly and smiled with a blush, and I wondered if she had had to stop herself from coming right over to me. I was encouraged by the thought and smiled at her gently.

"Hi," she whispered, her voice suddenly shy. I was momentarily frustrated. I wanted confident Bella back. But my annoyance faded as I took in her soft smile and realized that she was at least happy to see me.

_We have to start somewhere_.

_True._

I smiled in return and said, "Hey Bella," because I really just liked saying her name. Her blush deepened as her smile broadened.

She seemed to relax a little bit at the sound of my voice, which I didn't understand, and she settled back into her seat, biting her bottom lip as she glanced at me. She waved me over to the dining room chair sitting by her desk, and I noticed with satisfaction that her eyes were roaming my body again as I walked toward her. Her chocolate eyes brightened as they worked their way upward, but I was a little frustrated when her smile fell a bit when she reached my eyes. I arched an eyebrow at her, and a silly grin spread on her face. I smiled back at her, and we stared at each other for a long moment, the blush on her cheeks growing when I sat beside her.

I handed her the beer and she said, "Oh, thanks!" before taking a sip. Her eyes never left mine, though.

Finally, she heard Jasper's voice as he gave some other instructions to the raid, and she blinked, looking away.

When she looked back at me, that confident look was back on her face. I wondered if it was somehow connected to the chair she was sitting in – maybe she felt more comfortable there in her element. I didn't have long to ponder this idea, as she arched an eyebrow at me and teased, "I warned you I'm not going to be very good company. But…we do at least have ample reading material for you." She grinned and nodded behind me.

I laughed and said, "I'm pretty sure that won't be necessary," but I turned in my seat to look at the bookshelves I hadn't even noticed before.

The wall behind me was lined from end to end with bookcases stuffed with books. Some shelves were two or three books deep, and I saw a strange mixture of modern fiction, classic literature, fantasy, histories, textbooks, books on philosophy and religion, and even a few comic boxes. The little boy in me went all giddy again. I noticed that one shorter bookshelf near the end was completely filled with Dungeons and Dragons manuals.

_Huh._

I'd never really known anyone who played D&D. Interesting that Bella…or Jasper…or most likely both did.

But I really couldn't focus on books with Bella sitting so close, so after looking for a brief time, I turned back and smiled at her, surprised with how close she was. It took me a second to notice that she was holding a framed picture, and her eyes were on it. I felt a little awkward, sitting at her side, because I wanted to look closer, but I was worried. I didn't know how much this felt like someone following her…or if it even bothered her to have someone behind her if she was stationary. This not knowing was frustrating as hell.

She seemed okay, though, so I leaned in slightly, and Bella glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, her lips turning up.

_Must be alright…_

"I thought you might want to see the guys," she said, running her fingertip along the glass. "Most of them play WoW with us, so I figured it was a good time to introduce you, so to speak."

I nodded at her, encouraging her to continue. I studied the picture as she was talking, and I realized that these were the same faces as in the beach pictures - only this one was more recent, and they were smiling and laughing again. They were all seated around a big table with books, dice, chips, drinks, and little figurines scattered around them. Bella pointed to the closest figure on the left.

"This is Embry – he's the one that texted that they're coming for Thanksgiving. He plays a priest named Archibald," she grinned at the name and pointed to the next one in the row. "Quil…his warlock is Iago. This is Jake. He always plays a druid. Always. His WoW druid is named Spiritwolfe."

I took a closer look at Jake, having just heard his name. He looked like a pretty big guy, broad-shouldered. His dark eyes matched his black hair, which was pulled back into a ponytail at the base of his neck. He had wide grin and a playful look on his face. Unfortunately, judging objectively, he also looked like a pretty attractive guy. I tried to keep the scowl off my face.

"Paul…" she trailed off and laughed. Jasper laughed with her. "Paul is an interesting guy. You'll either love him or hate him." I felt a little thrill when I realized she assumed I'd be meeting these guys. "Anyway, Paul plays a warrior, like me, only he's fury-specced. His name is Rager." For some reason, she rolled her eyes at that.

She continued pointing around the table. "Felix…" The guy she pointed to looked like he dwarfed everyone else at the table. He might even be bigger than Emmett, but I couldn't get a good enough sense of the perspective. "And Jared. They don't play WoW, but they hang out with us, and Jared plays D&D with us. Jasper, of course. And this is Alex and Jane…" She pointed to the last two figures, closest to the front on the right. I noticed she made a face when she said Jane's name, and I wondered if this was the "she" she had mentioned when Embry texted. "They're twins, and they both play gnome mages. He's Bartleby, and she's Katinka."

The fondness she felt toward all these guys was apparent in her voice, and I found myself studying each of them, stupidly trying to decide if I was more attractive than they were. Like that fucking mattered. She obviously had tons in common with them, probably more than with me. And yet…well, she seemed to be interested in _me_, not them. Still, I couldn't stop the primal instinct that had me measuring what I viewed as my competition. I felt an irrational surge of jealousy that she kept a framed picture of them on her desk as well.

She put the picture back on her desk with a sigh as Jasper said, "It's time, Bells – we need you."

She turned to look at me, and I swear she was fucking pouting, her lower lip stuck out. I laughed at her expression and caught myself just as I was about to kiss her pout away. My eyes widened and I leaned back against my chair back, a little stunned at what I'd almost done without thinking. Bella didn't seem to notice as she put her microphone back on and turned to look at her screen.

She took over then, talking about buffs and healing assignments and a whole lot of nothing I understood. It didn't matter. I really wasn't watching her screen anyway, and I quickly realized I would be no more the wiser about this game she loved after tonight than I was going into it.

The raid seemed to have a hard time getting going, and Bella kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, blushing. Her character seemed to be dying a lot, and she was getting frustrated. Finally, she looked at me and said, "I can't concentrate…do you mind if I put on some music?"

I said, "Of course not," and smiled, leaning back a bit to give her more room as I realized I'd been unconsciously moving closer.

She opened up pandora and clicked on one of her stations, and I laughed when I heard what was playing. She grinned at me and turned back to her screen, singing along. I managed to contain my amusement until she sang, "Here is something you can't understand – how I could just kill a man." I finally had to laugh, and she and Jasper both laughed with me. Bella shrugged and continued singing.

The music seemed to help her, and she got lost a bit in what she was doing. She never seemed to really forget I was there, but she had stretches where she was completely focused. It fascinated me to see her in this situation. She was self-confident and forceful and commanding, and it was…fucking hot.

She had spent much of the night correcting people, trying to be as diplomatic as possible, but all of a sudden, her face and neck flushed red, and she burst out, "Fucking hell, Freda! Move, damn it! If you stand there, you're just going to fucking die AGAIN!" She kept up a steady stream of curses, and honestly – I'd never found a foul mouth on a woman to be a turn on. I mean it didn't bother me, normally, but it wasn't something I looked for. But seeing Bella like that - all worked up and passionate and cursing – had me hard in a second. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me.

For the rest of the night, I watched Bella and did occasionally catch a little of what was going on in the game. Most of it was confusing, but I had always liked computer games, so I at least got the basic idea of what was happening. The night seemed to end all too quickly, and before I knew it, Bella was taking off her microphone and grumbling to Jasper, who took off his headphones and was laughing.

Jasper grinned at Bella and winked, saying he was going to bed, which made her blush for some reason. I frowned slightly and tried to decide if there was something I was missing. He seemed perfectly at ease, though, as he told me goodnight and pulled his phone from his pocket on his way to his bedroom. I heard him say, "I was just calling to say good night, darlin'…" and I chuckled when I realized he was talking to Alice.

Bella swiveled around in her chair and looked at me with a wide smile. Her eyes looked a little sleepy, and I glanced at the clock on her computer, very surprised to see it was after midnight. I couldn't believe I'd sat and watched Bella for five hours with, honestly, very little interaction from her, and it had seemed like only moments.

"So what did you think?" she asked innocently.

_I think you are the sexiest, most attractive, desirable, delicious, unbelievable woman I've ever seen._

"It looks pretty cool," I answered, smirking a bit to myself at my truthful – yet wholly misleading – answer. "You guys seem to have a lot of fun with it."

She nodded and stood with a yawn, stretching her arms over her head. She was standing close to where I was sitting, and the angle gave me a glimpse of her toned abdomen as her shirt rose higher. Combined with the Halloween pictures where her entire midriff had been revealed, the sight was nearly enough to undo me. I stood quickly, taking myself away from the temptation to run my hands along her exposed flesh.

"I guess I should get going," I said, the reluctance clear in my voice even to me. Bella looked down at the ground and nodded slowly. She glanced back up at me, and her eyes were full of conflicting emotions that I really couldn't read. I sighed softly and resisted the urge to caress her cheek.

Suddenly, she frowned and gasped. "What happened to you?" she said, one hand tentatively reaching out toward my jaw. For a moment, I didn't know what she meant, and then I remembered my idiotic mood and my scuffle with Emmett.

"Oh, I got into a fight with Emmett," I admitted a little sheepishly. "He's fucking big." I shrugged.

Her eyes widened, and we both watched, holding our breath, as her shaking fingers reached out and gingerly touched my jaw. I immediately regretted not shaving because I was sure I was missing some of this sensation, but the feel of her caring touch sent a jolt through me that made me smile gently as I took a ragged breath. "I'm okay," I whispered. "Promise."

She left her fingers there for a moment longer, her eyes finding mine as we stood in silence. I don't know how long it was before she lowered her hand, but she smiled at me as she did it, and I saw a flash of…triumph…in her eyes. At least, I think that's what it was. She took a deep breath, and her smile became an impish grin – nearly that same open expression from her earliest pictures.

Finally breaking my gaze from hers, I said quietly, "I really should let you sleep…" and gave her a soft smile as I turned to lead the way out of the office. My mind and body were still lost in the sensations of just being near her and having her touch my face. Never had that seemed so sensual.

I reached the front door and unlocked it, opening it to step outside. As I started to pass through, I was surprised to feel Bella's hand slip into mine. "Wait…" her voice whispered.

I turned around slowly, too excited to have her so willing to touch me to risk startling her and ruining this moment. I looked down at her, holding her small hand in mine, and waited for her to speak again.

She said nothing for a long moment, just staring up at me as if she were memorizing me. Her eyes gazed into mine before they shifted to my nose, my cheeks, lingering on my lips. I had never felt so exposed…or so desired. It was the single most intense look anyone had ever given me. Any lingering doubts I may have harbored about what Bella thought of me faded, and I returned the gaze just as intently.

She blushed lightly under my eyes, and she whispered again, "I know that wasn't the most fun in the world…but I really liked having you here. Thank you."

My eyes widened incredulously. "Trust me, Bella…there are no thanks needed. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Thank you for letting me watch."

Her face was still tilted toward mine. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to kiss her, and my mind was rapidly agreeing. I was completely frozen, torn in indecision. I felt her squeeze my fingers gently, and it seemed as though time started again. My mind and body worked out a compromise and, without fully realizing it, I raised our hands slowly, my eyes trained on hers. I watched for any sign of discomfort or fear, and I saw none.

So I lifted my Bella's hand to my lips and placed a gentle, lingering kiss along her knuckles, relishing her fragrance and the soft, smooth texture of her skin. I heard her gasp softly, but her lips were parted in a gentle smile. She breathed, "Good night, Edward," and I had the pleasure of seeing her chocolate eyes dance before I lowered her hand.

"Sweet dreams, Bella," I whispered and turned toward my car.

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**A/N:** Recently, I entered my first fanfiction contest – the "Make It Count" contest hosted by TheEdwardEmmett and Bethaboo. The only rules are that it must contain Twilight characters, be a one-shot, and it must be 1,000 words or less. If you get a chance, please check out my entry, "Silver Shell." Voting details are on TheEdwardEmmett's page, and you can reach the contest page from either hosts' profiles. If you enjoy my one-shot, I would be thrilled if you would vote for it!


	13. Sandalwood Songs

**A/N:** Stephenie Meyers owns all things _Twilight_. I just made some of the characters geeks.

Any songs and other coolness mentioned belong to their respective owners as well.

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**BPOV**

I watched Edward's headlights flash across my doorway and fade as his car drove away before I stepped back inside and locked the door. I rested my forehead against the wood and sighed softly, a silly grin on my face. My mind was completely blank.

Gradually, I became aware of a tingling along the knuckles of my hand, and I looked down, biting my bottom lip as I studied it. A squeal erupted from my lips, and I swear I did a little dance in place. Then I tore off down the hall toward Jasper's room. He was obviously expecting me, as his door was standing open.

He was already in bed, just hanging up the phone. He had a goofy smile on his face, and he arched an eyebrow at me as I threw myself across his room, landing and bouncing on the bed.

He laughed at me, but there was a look of pure happiness in his eyes.

Jasper tilted his head and looked at me with an impish grin as he said, "So…is there anything you want to tell me, Miss Swan?"

We had a new tradition of sorts. It had started on Thursday night when he'd returned from taking Alice home.

_He came home and found me in the center of his bed, bouncing up and down like a kid who'd had too much sugar. I was biting my bottom lip, and I couldn't seem to stop moving. He looked concerned at first, until he took in the obvious excitement in my eyes._

_Then he laughed and jumped onto the bed beside me, tickling me until I told him what had happened between Edward and me. I was afraid it would sound stupid – I mean…it was just his hand on my shin and then his fingers caressing my cheek, right? But Jasper understood. He always understands._

_He celebrated with me, and then he asked tentatively, "So were you…okay?" He looked down at the comforter as he said it, and I knew he was trying not to ruin my mood. He was just concerned, and I loved him for it. I waited in silence until he finally looked up at me._

_Then I smiled quietly and said, "Yeah…I was." His grin broadened then, and he started teasing me._

"_My, my, Miss Swan…I do believe you have an admirer," he exaggerated his own slight Southern accent. "Are you going to allow the gentleman to call on you again?" His blue eyes were twinkling with mirth._

_I felt a blush spread across my cheeks as I said, "Actually…he's coming over Sunday to watch us raid."_

_I saw a brief flash of…wariness, I think, in Jasper's eyes. His smile returned too quickly for me to be sure though. _

_He laughed and said in his normal voice, "That's awesome, Bells…seriously. So…do you like him?"_

_I rolled my eyes at him. What a stupid question._

_We talked for a couple of hours until I realized it was past two, and I had to teach a class at 9:00. I grumbled and stood, not wanting to forget the feeling of Edward's fingers brushing my cheek, but as I settled in to sleep that night, that gentle caress worked its way into my dreams._

We hadn't had time to talk after Edward left this morning because Alice was still here. The three of us had played more Wii and then made pancakes together at 6:00 before Jasper took Alice home. By the time he'd gotten back, I'd been sound asleep in bed.

I looked at Jasper's curious expression and nearly tried to play it cool before I realized the ridiculous grin on my lips and my squeal had already given me away. So instead, I let the silly smile spread and the excitement become plain on my face.

"Remember when I beat Alice at hula hoop Saturday?" I asked.

Jasper nodded.

"Well…when I went to sit down, I sat a little closer than before. I don't know how to explain it, Jazz…I…I _like_ sitting near him…" I bit my bottom lip.

He smiled and stretched out on the bed, one hand behind his head as he reclined on his side. "That's a good thing, Bells…" Like always, I heard what he didn't say. It was normal to want to be close to someone. I frowned slightly before pushing that thought away, not liking what it said about me.

I reached for one of his pillows, pulling it into my lap and hugging it as I continued. "Well...I decided to…try…you know, how we talked about?"

Jasper nodded. One of the many things we'd discussed Thursday night was the fact that I wanted to try to be closer, physically, to Edward. He and I weren't going to get anywhere without my knowing if I could handle touching him. My heart ached with the thought that I might not be able to. I wanted nothing more than to touch him and hold him and have him hold me…but I couldn't be sure yet that I wouldn't lose it and hurt him.

Jasper had suggested I start small, maybe try holding his hand. And…well, I thought Edward would like that. I mean, he'd touched my cheek, after all. But what if he didn't? What if he really just wanted to be my friend because he found me entertaining somehow, but he didn't want more? What if he was hanging out with me because I was "safe"?

The doubts had nearly driven me insane, and I'd spent all day both Friday and Saturday vacillating between my determination to try and my fear that I would be making a fool of myself one way or another. I hadn't voiced my concerns to Jasper, though. I felt…silly, and I knew Jasper would say Edward was interested…but how could he know, really?

So I'd gone into last night with more than a few reservations. I had all of my normal anxieties about physical contact with someone, plus these new ones that were battering me emotionally. I don't know what I would do if Edward wasn't interested in me.

"So when I sat down, I couldn't look at him. God, Jazz, I could feel him right next to me, and I could smell him and…hell," I shook my head and then brought my hand to the top of the pillow, resting my chin on the back of my hand as I tried to hide my grin. He always smelled so _good_, like sandalwood and vanilla and…_Edward_. I sighed longingly.

Jasper gave a knowing smile, clearly seeing through me.

"Well…I…" I began, and then stopped, biting my bottom lip. This was embarrassing.

Jasper arched an eyebrow and looked at me pointedly. "Bella. You know you can tell me anything. Didn't I tell you about _Sixteen Candles_?"

I couldn't help giggling. "Yes, yes, you did, Mr. Ryan," I teased him with a wink. He rolled his eyes, and I snickered. Then I realized that he would be doing the snickering soon, and I frowned.

I looked past him to the headboard as I spoke, hoping that if I kept my eyes off him, it would somehow lessen the teasing I was in for. "Alright, well…umm…" I sighed. How could something so small be so hard to say? I decided to just say it as quickly as possible, without thinking.

"Okay," I began again. "So when I sat back down, his hand was really close…so I just put mine next to his. You know, just to see, well, really how both of us would react, I guess. And he didn't move, so I moved mine a little bit closer, and then I was touching him." My breath caught for a moment, as I remembered the brief flash of blue eyes I'd seen.

"For a second, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. I…I saw…_his _eyes…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "But I just kept it there and waited and tried to control my breathing, and then I realized it felt…nice. Really nice."

I opened my eyes to see Jasper watching me, concern and affection in his blue eyes as he whispered, "Oh, Bella…" He blinked a couple of times, and I hated to see that his eyes looked a little red around the edges.

He didn't say anything else, for which I was grateful, so I continued, "And then, when I felt okay again, I sort of…moved my pinkie against his." I blushed, realizing that, yes, it did sound as stupid as I thought it would.

But Jasper just said, "And what did he do?"

I felt the giddy smile returning to my face when I said, "He umm…well, he did it back and then…" I giggled suddenly and hid my face in the pillow.

_God, I really am stupid._

_Shut. Up._

_Yeah, seriously, shut up._

Well, that was new…my voices had never ganged up on each other before.

"Then…what?" I heard Jasper ask before I finally looked back up at him.

"Then he wrapped his pinkie around mine, and we sat that way for a long time, almost kinda holding hands. Up until Alice made him get up and play again." I couldn't help the pout that formed on my face, making Jasper laugh quietly.

"So that's why you two looked so annoyed…" he trailed off.

I blushed. "Edward was annoyed too?"

"Umm…yeah. You didn't notice?" he asked in an incredulous voice.

"No…I…I couldn't look," I blushed further with my admission. I'd been too afraid of what I'd see to look at him. I still wasn't quite sure he was interested in me. I mean _interested_ interested.

Jasper arched an eyebrow. "Well, trust me…he wasn't happy. Did you not notice how he suddenly couldn't play even though he'd been kicking our asses all night?"

_Huh._

"Oh…I guess so…" This news surprised me. I guess I didn't notice at the time because I was trying not to hyperventilate from the fact that I'd been touching Edward. In fact, I'd barely noticed that he played at all. I spent the time having a frantic conversation with myself, trying to decide what I'd do when he came back.

By the time he returned, I still hadn't made a decision. It seemed pretty obvious that he must like me on some level. I mean…I held Jasper's hand – and even Jake and some of the other guys - but it didn't seem like something that normal, casual friends did. I was puzzling over this when he sat down beside me, and his heat and scent completely disrupted my mental processes, stunning me for a moment. Thankfully, Alice interrupted then, trying to get me to play. I really didn't feel like standing up at the time – I was too embroiled in my own inner turmoil. So I flatly refused. She pouted, but I didn't cave this time. I was quite happy where I was.

And that realization gave me the confidence I needed to slip my pinkie back under Edward's. I thought my heart would burst when he wrapped his finger back around mine.

I smiled now, remembering that perfect moment in all its silliness. Yes, I knew it was something that wasn't a big deal to most people. But damn it, it was a pretty fucking big deal for me.

I was brought out of my memories by the sound of Jasper laughing. I blinked and looked at him, mouth slightly agape before I realized I'd just been staring into space. I hit him with my pillow.

"Shut up!" I laughed with him.

He just grinned. "So I would guess that your squealing at the door meant that something else happened tonight? Care to enlighten me?" He winked at me.

I blushed and wrapped my arms around the pillow, flopping down on my back and looking up at the ceiling. "A few somethings…" I breathed. I bit my bottom lip as I smiled, exhaling lightly.

I felt the bed move and suddenly Jasper was in my field of vision, propped up on one elbow as he looked down at me with an eyebrow arched. "Oh, really?" he asked.

I nodded, still biting my bottom lip and looking at the ceiling.

After a minute of silence, he said, "Oh, come _on_, Bella! Don't leave me hanging like this…"

I laughed before I finally took pity on him. I don't know why it took me so long. I guess I just sort of wanted to hold onto it myself for a little longer. "Well, right after you left…I don't know, Jazz. We were just sort of looking at each other, and I noticed his jaw was swollen. He said he got in a fight with Emmett…" I shrugged, frowning slightly. I didn't like the idea of him fighting. What if he really got hurt? I wondered if it was like when my guys fight. They get all pissed off and beat on each other, and the next second they're playing video games or something.

Stupid boys.

Jasper just waited quietly.

"I wanted to make sure he was okay, but…" I bit my bottom lip and felt my brow furrow, my eyes still on the ceiling. After a long, silent moment, I looked over at him. "I was really scared, Jazz. I mean…I…I've never touched a guy like that, you know? I mean, of course, I've touched a guy's face before, but it was just like you or maybe Paul after Jake busted his lip, not…not staring into his eyes and just touching him to…well, to touch him." I watched Jasper's face as he processed what I said. He was nodding thoughtfully, his gaze far away.

Finally, he blinked, and his eyes focused on me. "And how was it?"

_How was it?_ Lost in thought, I said the first thing that popped into my mind. "Magical…" I breathed.

_Oh, hell._

I quickly glanced away, sure the blush on my face was going to mean even more teasing. When the silence lengthened to the point where I couldn't take it, I glanced at Jasper. Sure enough, he looked amused, but he kept it to himself. I giggled.

I don't ever remember being quite this stupid. And, God help me, I loved it. I shook my head at myself.

"Anyway, I didn't feel anything when I touched him. Well, anything bad, I mean…no panic, no flashes…nothing." I smiled. "So I left my hand there for a little bit, and when I lowered it, he said he should go, but it wasn't like he was trying to get away. He actually seemed…reluctant." Even I heard the disbelief in my voice.

Jasper sighed and rolled his eyes. "Of course he wanted to stay, Bells. How can you not tell he's into you?"

"Is he?" I sighed softly and furrowed my brow, a pout forming on my lips. I wished there was a way I could just see into his head and _know_ what he was thinking. "How do you know?"

"Well, first…" Jasper sat up and leaned back against the headboard. I moved to sit beside him, keeping the pillow in my lap. I turned my head to look at him. "He can't take his eyes off you. At all. It's a bit annoying, actually…" I blushed. I spent so much of my time trying not to stare at him. Was it possible he did the same? "But beyond that, he's constantly over here. You guys met, what, a couple of weeks ago?"

"Ten days," I whispered…and glanced over at Jasper to find him watching me with an eyebrow raised.

"Ten days then," he said. "And you've fed him only once, so he's not coming around for the food." He winked at me. "And he sure as hell isn't coming around to see me, so I wonder what that leaves?" He tapped his chin in mock thought.

I didn't answer, still unconvinced.

Finally, he rolled his eyes and attacked, tickling me senseless. I was gasping for breath and trying to shove him away when he finally sat up. "Silly girl," he muttered, then grinned.

I was starting to feel…hopeful. And I realized that, in truth, a part of me already believed what Jasper was saying. I guess I was just afraid. If I acknowledged that both Edward and I were definitely interested in something more, then that left no excuses if I couldn't handle this.

"So you said 'a few somethings'…what else happened?" Jasper ran his fingers through his hair, glancing over at me.

Just the mention of what else had happened had a blush blazing across my cheekbones. I couldn't help the small giggle that escaped, and I hugged the pillow to my chest tightly. "As he was leaving, I sort of took his hand…and asked him to wait because I wanted to tell him thank you for coming over. And he turned around and…" I buried my face in the pillow again. This time it wasn't from embarrassment, though. It was from the overwhelming memory of the way I'd felt when he raised my hand to his lips…the look in his eyes…just…hell, everything. It was too much. I bit the pillow to keep from squealing again.

"And…?" I heard Jasper's voice trail off, a little frustrated.

I raised my head, blowing away the hair that had fallen into my eyes. "And he…he kissed my hand." I couldn't stop the squeal this time, though it was – thankfully – somewhat muffled behind the pillow. I looked up again quickly to see Jasper's reaction.

His face slowly broke into a wide smile, and he put his arm around my shoulders, squeezing me to his side. I rested my head on his shoulder and gave a contented sigh.

"I'm so happy for you, Bells," he said softly, and I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head. We sat like that for a long time in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt his head settle against mine, and before long, I heard his even breathing. His weight against my side increased as he relaxed. I chuckled quietly to myself.

That boy can sleep anywhere.

I carefully slipped out from under his arm and helped him into bed. I pulled the comforter up around his shoulders and brushed back the hair that had fallen onto his forehead. He always got annoyed if it tickled him and woke him up. He mumbled, "G'night, Bells," in a breathless voice, not really awake. I kissed his head and turned off his light on my way out the door.

In the hallway, I thought for a moment. I was exhausted, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to sleep right now. My head was way too full – thoughts and music and anxiety and excitement all swirled together to create a confusing mess that I…liked.

One song in particular had been playing in the back of my mind all night, ever since I first breathed in the fragrance of Edward as he sat beside me while I tanked tonight. It was from an old CD my mom had played endlessly right around the time I was going into middle school. She and I still lived in Forks then, though she and dad were divorced.

Even though it wasn't the type of thing I normally listened to, I'd always loved it. Something about the lyrics and the simple music had been moving to me, even back then. I decided to download it, just to hear that song again. Maybe it would help me sleep.

Half an hour later, I had downloaded the tracks and checked my email and the forums. I felt a little more relaxed, so I crawled into bed and put my earbuds in. I flipped through my iPod, finding the song that had been haunting me. I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, listening to the melody of the guitar before Lisa Loeb's voice sang to me.

_She can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written_

'_Cause she's never been in love with you before_

_Your skin smells lovely like sandalwood_

_Your hair falls soft…_

That was the last I heard, as I drifted off to sleep with a small smile on my lips.

----------

I woke up with my alarm the next morning. At some point in the night, I'd tugged the earbuds from my ears, but the wires were wrapped all around my wrists. Somewhat disoriented, I shook my hands, trying to get them free from the tangled mess. My mind was fuzzy from the lack of sleep, but I didn't remember dreaming at all.

At least my nightmares hadn't returned. It had actually been awhile since I'd had one. I was…cautiously hopeful that maybe I was moving past them. Part of me doubted it though. They'd been part of my life for so long now that I really wasn't sure what it would be like to go to sleep without that faint sense of dread.

Blinking and yawning, I grabbed clean underwear and wandered to my closet to choose my clothes. I had to teach a class and hold office hours this morning, so unfortunately, I had to dress appropriately. I grumbled and finally settled on a pair of black slacks and a white button down with thin purple stripes. I grabbed the matching black jacket and threw them over my shoulder, heading into the bathroom.

I hung my clothes on the back of the door and peered at my reflection in the mirror. I'd stayed up too late and had bags under my eyes, but I wasn't too concerned. The reason for my late night filtered back through the haze in my mind, and I smiled broadly. I bit my bottom lip and looked at myself a little while longer, studying the happy little smile I found on my lips. That was definitely new.

Finally, I turned and started the water, undressing while it warmed. I realized I was humming, but I couldn't quite place the song. I tilted my head, humming it a little louder and trying to find the words. It definitely wasn't any of the songs I'd listened to last night.

I was still humming as I climbed into the welcoming warmth of the shower, and the scent of freesia helped wake me further. Suddenly, the words came flooding back to me, and I was singing along, doing a silly little dance in the shower.

"I waaaaaaaant you to want me," I sang, using my shampoo bottle for a microphone, "I neeeeeeeeed you to need me…"

I kept singing as I finished bathing and washed my hair, even while I was shaved. When I got out and dried off, I went back to humming, and the song put a smile on my face. I'd forgotten how much I liked Cheap Trick. I dressed in my girl clothes without any internal complaints – a first for me. Then I quickly dried my hair as much as I felt like and walked out of the bathroom with my hair still slightly damp.

As I walked down the hall humming, I realized Jasper was already up. He was lounging on the couch with one of his history textbooks open on his chest.

"Preparing for class today?" I teased him. We were notoriously different when it came to teaching. I was planned from the beginning of the semester. Jasper had a vague idea and then decided day-by-day what, exactly, he would do. It worked for him.

He just smiled in response, still reading.

"Hey, I was just going to make some French toast…want some?" I asked, knowing he'd never turn it down. It was really silly to even ask him.

"Of course!" He looked up finally with a big smile, and I snickered. Food always gets him.

He stood and wandered into the kitchen to keep me company. In reality, he just perched on the counter and kept reading his book, but he knew I liked just having him there.

As I was in the middle of cooking the French toast, he surprised me by snapping his book closed and yawning.

"All set?" I asked.

He grinned, "Yeah, I'm lecturing on the Civil War. I'm good." He shrugged. He really did know all about the Civil War to a ridiculous extent. He'd been fascinated with it since we were kids. "So…" he said, trailing off as his smile faded and was replaced by a serious expression.

"So?" I arched an eyebrow at him.

"So I realized I forgot to tell you something," he trailed off again, sucking in a breath through his teeth as if he had some bad news. "But…"

"But what?!" I turned around, frowning at him.

"But…didn't I…" he stopped and looked at the floor, apparently reluctant to continue.

"Didn't you what?" I asked him, beginning to become annoyed. If there was something I needed to know, he needed to fucking tell me.

"Didn't I…" he tried again, only to stop, shaking his head while he bit the inside of his cheek. He raised one hand, rubbing the back of his neck as he continued looking down.

"Fucking hell, Jasper. Spit it out," I ordered. My imagination was getting the best of me, and I was imagining all sorts of terrible scenarios. _Didn't I tell you Edward was married? Didn't I tell you Alice said to leave Edward alone? Didn't I tell you you're dreaming and Edward isn't real?_

All ridiculous, of course, but…part of me was panicked.

He looked up at me, and there was a mischievous smirk on his lips. "Didn't I see you crying?" he asked in an innocent tone that didn't match the wicked gleam on his eyes.

It took me half a second to catch on, and then I blushed furiously and took two steps toward him to smack him on the arm. "Shutthefuckup!"

I turned quickly and went back to finishing our breakfast, all too aware that the heat of the sun had settled on my cheeks as I listened to Jasper's quiet laughter. _Fuck_. I hadn't thought about Jasper possibly being up for my shower serenade.

"You know I like Cheap Trick," I said calmly, though my outburst had already given me away.

"Mmhmm," I heard him answer in a light-hearted tone.

I muttered to myself, but I couldn't keep the smile off my lips as I served our breakfast and we went to the dining room to eat. Jasper teased me mercilessly, but I was surprised to realize that…I didn't mind. At all. It was actually kind of cool to have him joking with me so normally about a guy.

It was not so cool when I realized we'd been talking for too long, and I was going to be late for class. Not such a terrible thing if you're a student and can sneak into the back of the room, but a little bit trickier if you're supposed to be teaching.

Jasper said he'd get the dishes, so I flew around the apartment, gathering my things, and I waved to him when he said he'd call me about lunch later. We usually met for lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays while Alice was in class.

My entire morning was one rushed, awkward, occasionally embarrassing moment. I bolted into class, realizing a little too late that I really should've just strolled in casually…it's not like they could have started without me. I kept stumbling – both literally and metaphorically – through my lecture, and my mind didn't seem to want to cooperate. It was like it was still catching up with the frantic pace of my body.

I felt a little more normal once class was over, and I was able to retreat to my office. I had only a few students to meet with – these were the few overachievers who already had rough drafts of their final papers and wanted me to look over them even though there were still several weeks left of the term.

I was finally finishing up with the last of these when I realized Jasper still hadn't called about lunch. I was starving after my hectic morning, and it wasn't like him to be so late. I frowned and forced myself to return to the paper in front of me.

"I think if you'll rework that section on Milton's Eve the way we discussed and then adjust your conclusion to match, this should be fine," I said, passing the paper back to my student, a freshman with frizzy black hair named Meghan.

She smiled and slipped the paper back into its protective cover before putting it carefully into her briefcase. Something about the sight amused me, and I tried to keep myself from grinning. At least it meant there was a smile on my face when she stood and looked up.

"Thank you so much, Ms. Swan," she said. "I was really worried about this…I need to make an A to keep my scholarship."

I nodded. Just as I was about to speak, my phone blinked. _About time._ A moment later, I heard it singing.

_I waaaaaaaant you to want me. I neeeeeeeeed you to need me._

Fucking Jasper. My face flamed red, and I said a hurried goodbye as Meghan apologized and left the room, closing the door.

As soon as I heard the click of the door, I yanked up the phone and said, "Give it a fucking rest, Hale!"

The answering melodic laughter was not at all what I expected, and I fell clumsily into my chair as Edward said, "Damn, I'm glad I'm not Jasper…what'd he do?"

_Fuck._

I assumed Jasper had set his own ringtone to the song he'd been taunting me with. I never dreamed he'd set it as Edward's. Of course, I also never dreamed Edward would be calling me right now.

_Edward's calling me!_

_Yeah, moron, I kind of noticed. He's waiting for you to say something._

_Shit!_

_I know._

_What do I say?_

_Umm…"hi" usually works? Idiot._

"Oh…hi, Edward. Umm…sorry about that," I said lamely. I resolved to check my caller ID more often.

I could hear him smiling as he said, "It's no problem, Bella. What did Jasper do anyway?"

"Nothing, really…he just messed around with my ringtones again. I thought that was his," I replied without thinking.

"Oh? What was it?" he sounded amused.

"Err…" What a brilliant response. "Just a silly song. So what's up?"

"Actually, Jasper's sort of the reason I'm calling. Alice got out of class early and wanted him to go shopping with her, and I guess he told her he was supposed to meet you for lunch. She got all pouty and called to ask if I would mind taking you to lunch instead." I realized I got a little lost in the way Edward's voice sounded – he usually didn't say so much at once – and it took me a moment before I was able to answer.

"Oh! That sounds good…if…well, if you don't mind?" I bit my bottom lip, and I heard the question in my voice.

"Of course I don't mind, Bella," he answered gently. "I'd love to see you again."

My heart sped up and seemed to skip a beat. _Edward wants to see me!_ My voice was a little breathless when I admitted, "I'd love to see you too."

The phone was silent for a moment before Edward said, "Perfect…so did you want to meet somewhere?"

It turned out we both enjoyed a little Thai restaurant near the school, so we agreed to meet there in fifteen minutes. After we hung up the phone, I stood up and couldn't control the little dance and squeal that escaped me. I even flipped through my phone and played Edward's ringtone again.

Oh, yeah…I had it bad.

I glanced down at myself and wrinkled my nose. Unfortunately, I didn't think I had time to go home and change. I'd feel much more comfortable in my jeans, but…well, it was worth it to see Edward. I just hoped I didn't look too bad.

After waiting a few more minutes, I gathered all my things, tossed them into my messenger bag, and headed out, locking my office door. I walked to my ancient red Chevy truck, realizing that it was bright outside for once. I climbed in and buckled my seatbelt before I pulled my sunglasses from the glove compartment, slipping them on to help block the glare.

I kept feeling like I was on the verge of hyperventilating, and I had to calm myself down. I had seen Edward several times, but this felt…different. We'd never met out somewhere before – and definitely not alone.

This was something new.

----------

**A/N:** Okay, so there was originally more to this chapter, but these two didn't want to be quiet once they started talking over lunch. The file grew to over 12k words, and this was the best place to cut it. The good news is the rest is written, so it should be up before too many days.


	14. Curry Confessions

**A/N:** Much as I wish it were otherwise, I don't own Twilight or its characters. Stephenie Meyer does. Damn it all.

If you get a chance, check out AHelm's "No Outlet" – it's a fantastic new fic that focuses on Leah and her not-so-happy-but-hopefully-that-will-change ending. It's very well-written, complete with Leah snarkiness, and I'm loving it.

----------

**BPOV**

Twice on the way to the restaurant, I considered turning around. I was nearing hysteria. It had been five years since I'd been on a date, and this felt suspiciously close to one. But…then I realized that, though I was panicking, it seemed to be a normal sort of panic. I was nervous and excited and in some ways terrified, but I wasn't seeing _him_.

Of course, as soon as I thought of him in this highly excitable state, my breathing sped, and the flashes came to me unbidden. I gritted my teeth, struggling to keep my eyes open and my hands on the wheel as terror threatened to overthrow me.

Somehow, I did it.

My breathing had become shallow panting, and I could see my hands trembling, but I managed to keep driving. And the sense of accomplishment had me riding a new high as I resolved to focus only on the good parts of this nervousness. I tried to sing along with the radio, but the words kept escaping me.

When I pulled into the restaurant's lot to park, I caught a glimpse of Edward waiting on the curb. He'd beaten me there and…holy fuck. He looked good.

I surreptitiously checked him out in my rearview mirror after I parked, taking my time to retrieve my wallet. For the first time ever, I almost wished I carried a purse so it wouldn't look so odd, but oh well. Too late to change it now. Purses annoyed me anyway.

Finally, I had stalled long enough that I really had to get out. I slid from the cab of my truck as gracefully as possible and walked toward the restaurant, glad of the privacy of my sunglasses – it made it much easier for me to stare at Edward. He was wearing sunglasses, too, and for a moment, I felt myself pout that he wasn't wearing his actual glasses. I don't know why, but I really liked them on him. There was something…sexy about them.

At that uncharacteristic thought, I grinned, and I saw Edward smile in response as he started to walk toward me. He was wearing a tailored blue button down shirt tucked into black slacks, but he had the sleeves of the shirt rolled up to his elbows. The top button was undone, and his black dress shoes hinted that he'd perhaps been dressed up as I was. It was a simple outfit, really – I saw people dressed like that every day. But never had my heart and breathing sped as they did now.

_That man is breathtaking._

My voices all sighed in agreement, and one added, _Look at those forearms._

Silly giggles abounded in my head.

I met Edward on the sidewalk, and we both stopped about a foot apart. I was frustrated with myself. I wanted to close the distance and hug him – and never let him go, if I was being honest. But there was still too much I didn't know, including how I would even react to that, so I settled for a shy smile as I lifted my sunglasses to the top of my head.

Edward took his off as well, and his smile was gentle and sweet as he looked down at me. "Thanks for meeting me," he said, but it looked as though he wanted to say something else.

"Thanks for inviting me," I answered quietly.

Edward gave me a small smirk and said, "So have you noticed that Alice seems to be arranging for us to run into each other a lot?"

"Oh," was my brilliant reply. I was too embarrassed to say anything more. I _had_ noticed it, but I thought she was doing it for my benefit, and I didn't know what Edward might think of that.

_Fuck it. Be brave._

"I…I guess I'll have to thank her," I finally said, my cheeks flaming as I looked down at the ground. After a moment, curiosity got the best of me, and I peeked up at Edward through my lashes. He had a huge smile on his face, but he didn't respond. He just gazed into my eyes for a long moment before he turned silently and led the way inside.

I followed behind him, and I couldn't help studying his broad shoulders. The delectable fragrance of sandalwood drifted back to me, and I closed my eyes briefly, inhaling with a smile.

He stepped through the doors first and then stood to the side, stretching his arm out to hold it open for me. I walked through and took a step to the left, and he walked back in front of me as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

I watched as he talked to the hostess, and I noticed her overt appraisal of him. I couldn't blame the girl – he _was_ gorgeous, after all. Add in the seductive voice and the beautiful smile, and no one stood a chance.

He completely ignored her.

Oh, he was polite, and he spoke to her, of course, but he seemed oblivious to her in any way other than as the means to our obtaining a table. A part of me actually felt sorry for her…but the majority of me felt smug. Was it wrong that I wanted to stick my tongue out at her?

I restrained myself, but I did glare at the cow. I couldn't help it. I felt giddy as I followed them both to a small, round table in a dim corner of the restaurant. Edward glanced back at me with a questioning look, as if asking if I would be comfortable there with him. I nodded with a small smile.

He thanked the girl, who I could allow was quite pretty now that I knew she wasn't going to catch his eye, and then he pulled out a chair for me. I melted a little at the gesture. No one except Jasper had ever done that for me before – and that was only under the watchful eye of Mama Hale. He stood at my side as I sat, and then he helped guide the chair under the table.

Something about the thoughtfulness of his actions kept me focused on them rather than on how close he was, and it wasn't until he sat down across from me that I wondered at how I hadn't been afraid.

Silence reigned as we studied the menus, but we both kept glancing up, occasionally meeting each others' eyes. I was having trouble deciding between two dishes, and I was frustrated with myself. Usually, it's easy for me to choose, but I was feeling particularly distracted at the moment.

Without even realizing it, I sighed and frowned at the menu. As soon as I heard the noise, I looked up to find Edward watching me.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and it seemed he was torn between amusement and worry, for some reason.

_Probably wondering if I'm going to run away screaming._

I sighed again at the thought, realizing he had some cause to be worried.

"I can't decide between the shrimp curry and the crispy duck," I pouted a bit.

Edward just laughed and closed his menu as he said, "Let's get both then, and we can share?"

I bit my bottom lip and tried to stop the stupidly huge smile that spread on my face. I don't know why, but that simple offer made me feel all flighty. I just nodded and said, "Thanks…you don't mind?"

"Not at all," he answered. "Both sound great to me. Do you mind if we get some chicken satay though?"

I had to laugh. "Nope, that's perfect. It's my favorite. I actually make it at home a pretty good bit. Jasper will thank you for saving him from eating it for awhile." I shrugged. That shit was awesome.

"Yeah, Alice told me it's not only lasagna you can cook. I think she said your Indian food was 'divine,'" Edward answered with a grin.

From there, conversation flowed easily as we discussed our favorite foods. I filed Edward's love of seafood away for – hopefully - future use. I was happy to hear that he liked spicy food as well – I couldn't get enough of it.

He asked me about cooking, and I felt the same babble spewing from my lips as when I talk about literature. Edward interjected here and there, asking questions, keeping me talking. He mostly just stared at me with a smile on his face, and I found myself wanting to talk more, just to see him smile at me that way.

When the satay arrived, Edward motioned for me to go first, and I realized just how often he acted like…well, like a gentleman. He was always so careful and so…proper, I guess. Mama Hale would definitely approve of his manners. It made me feel good to know that he was taking such care with me, and I didn't feel like it was because I was broken. It felt like this was just who he was.

At first, we talked about all the normal stuff – favorite movies, music, and so on. I was surprised to find that we really had a lot in common. But soon the conversation moved on to cartoons we'd liked as kids, and then Edward suddenly looked nervous. He gave a timid grin and glanced down saying, "So…I saw some comic boxes at your apartment. Are they yours?"

I felt myself smile. Did he like comics, too? Was he embarrassed by this?

"Yeah, they're mine. Well, most of them…some are Jazz's." I shrugged. I felt somehow…empowered by his embarrassment. I guess it felt good to realize that he was a little nervous and unsure, too. "Do you like comics?"

He glanced up at me, and the smile on his face was so innocent that I grinned in response.

_He is too fucking cute._

"I do, yeah. Emmett and Alice both make fun of me for it," he admitted. He didn't look embarrassed now, though. He looked…happy.

"What's your favorite?" I asked, both because he seemed so thrilled with this topic of conversation and because I was genuinely curious.

"The X-Men," he said promptly.

"I always liked them too…" I chuckled. "I guess you must like my pajamas then."

For some reason, Edward's eyes widened and he refused to meet my gaze, looking down at the tabletop with a faint blush on his cheeks. Yes, he was fucking blushing. And it was…hot.

Damn it, what was he doing to me?

"Umm…yeah, that's a cool shirt," he finally said, still not looking up.

I arched an eyebrow and waited for him to raise his head. When he didn't, I said, "I thought so too. That's why I stole it from Jasper in seventh grade." I laughed, trying to make him get over this timidity. I mean, hell, I regularly embarrassed myself in front of him. And it wasn't like liking the X-Men was a bad thing.

He finally looked up at me, his cheeks still faintly pink though that happy look was in his eyes. I loved it when he looked at me that way. "So what's your favorite?"

Now it was my turn to blush as I said, "Spiderman," and bit my bottom lip.

He raised both eyebrows. "Spiderman's embarrassing?"

"No…" I laughed. "The umm…well, the reason I like Spiderman is a little bit embarrassing though." I left it at that, though I should've known Edward wouldn't.

Our food arrived then, giving me a brief reprieve as Edward dished out food for both of us, and we began eating in silence.

After taking a bite, Edward watched me for a moment and then said, "Oh, come on…you can't say something like that and then not follow through. Why do you like Spiderman?"

I groaned. Might as well get it over with. "He…he was sort of my first crush. Well, Peter Parker was. I liked his glasses…" Now I looked down at the table, mortified to have admitted that much, especially when I knew that the reason I liked Edward's glasses so much was that they reminded me in some ways of Peter. "I have kind of a thing for nerdy superheroes…" I giggled, biting my bottom lip as I studied the white tablecloth.

I waited for the teasing I usually expected from Jasper, but there was nothing but silence. I finally looked up to find Edward watching me with a soft smile. He said, "Kitty Pryde was mine, but later I liked Rogue." And just that simply, the conversation moved away from potential embarrassment on both our parts to a sort of understanding.

"Jasper had a thing for Emma Frost," I told Edward with a gleam in my eyes. "And Rosalie always liked Superman." I made a face. He wasn't my favorite.

"How did you meet Jasper and Rosalie?" Edward asked.

I laughed and told him the story of how I met Jasper. He was amused much as Alice had been. I explained how we'd spent so much of our lives together – the three of us. As we ate, I found myself talking freely about my childhood with the Hales, complete with some of my clumsier moments. I didn't feel self-conscious for once, and I was laughing along with Edward at some of the dumber things we'd done together.

I even told him about how sometimes it seemed I was closer to both of them than they were to each other. But they still had that weird twin thing where they just got each other, no matter how far apart they were for however long. I'd thought of them as the siblings I never had for so long that I really didn't feel like an only child any more.

"Obviously I talk to Jasper all the time, but usually Rose and I talk at least a couple of times a week. It's been really strange this fall, though. She's been so busy that we've been in touch more through email, and I miss her. I can't wait to see her at Thanksgiving," I finally finished my babbling to see Edward nodding thoughtfully.

"As much as Alice annoys me sometimes," he said thoughtfully, "I'd miss her if she wasn't around. Well, I'd miss her after awhile anyway." He grinned.

I grinned in response. "Yeah me too, actually…she's not so bad." My smile softened, and I wanted to tell him that I'd met him because of her, but…I just couldn't. It was too much, too soon.

We looked at each other for a long moment before Edward finally shifted, putting his napkin on the table. He didn't seem ready to leave, though, as he asked, "So what comics have you read lately?"

"Actually, I missed _The_ _Ultimates, _so I'm finally reading those." I shrugged, carefully keeping my mind away from why, exactly, I'd never read that series before.

"Seriously? That's sacrilege!" Edward teased me.

I couldn't help smiling. "I had a good reason…I promise. But I'm really enjoying it. Since they're making so many movies from the series, I figured it was time."

"Yeah, this summer was seriously good for superhero movies. It was nice to finally get some good ones. Most of the ones before have sucked," Edward winked. He _winked_. My breath caught, and I just stared stupidly for a minute.

"Bella? You alright?" The concern in his voice was clear, and I shook my head, blushing furiously.

_Fucking great._

"I'm fine," I assured him before clearing my throat. I put my own napkin on the table and sat back slightly in my chair. "Just sort of spaced for a second there. So what was your favorite superhero movie this summer?"

"You first," he countered.

"Uh uh," I shook my head. "No way. I want to know what you think."

He tilted his head and looked at me thoughtfully. "Same time?" he offered.

A smile danced across my lips as I nodded. "Okay…on the count of three?"

It was so silly. We were sitting there, actually counting to three just to name a movie we liked. I loved it.

"One…two…three," we said together.

Then Edward said, "_Dark Knight_."

Just as I said, "_Iron Man_."

"That was my second favorite!" we both said at once and then laughed. We had another of those moments where we just looked at each other. I noticed then that it didn't feel odd. It seemed…I don't know. Natural, maybe? Nice, anyway. I liked looking at Edward, especially when he was watching me too.

It helped that his eyes were so beautifully green and his lips always curved up into that tempting little half-smile.

"_Iron Man_? Really? I'm surprised," Edward finally broke the silence.

I arched an eyebrow. "Why's that? It was damn good."

"I don't know…" he said, furrowing his brow. "Tony Stark is just such a womanizer…I would've thought that wouldn't be very appealing."

I thought for a moment about what he said before I shrugged. "True, but I don't really think that's the core of who he is. He's got a lot of issues, but at heart, he's a good guy. It just sort of takes him awhile to get there. It's admirable that he wants to undo the damage his family's company has done."

Edward nodded with a thoughtful look on his face as I spoke. I liked how he really seemed to be taking in everything I said, even though it was about something as silly as a superhero movie.

"I really liked the comic book feel of it all. And Tony Stark is a genuine guy. He's an asshole, but he's a likable asshole. Plus I have to admit I kind of like the rougher look…" I grinned and felt a slight blush along my cheekbones.

Edward chuckled. "So you like facial hair and working with metal…good to know."

I laughed, and my hand lifted from the table to hit Edward on the arm before I realized where I was and who I was with. My eyes wide, I used it instead to brush my hair back before putting it in my lap. I noticed that both of Edward's hands were on the table on either side of his plate, and suddenly, I just wanted to reach over and take his hand. I bit my bottom lip and laced my fingers together beneath the table to keep from doing just that.

To distract myself, I said, "_Dark Knight_ was awesome, though. What did you like about it so much?"

"Well, Batman's a badass," Edward began with a smirk. "But really it seemed like a more complete movie to me. The plot was so intricate, and the different storylines were really cool. I loved the interpretation of the Joker. He's always Batman's greatest nemesis, and I was glad to see they didn't make him some cartoony villain. Don't get me wrong…Jack Nicholson made a great Joker, but this one really needed to be darker to fit, and I think Heath Ledger was perfect."

I nodded thoughtfully before adding, "I really liked how he kept changing up the story of what happened to him. It was an awesome way of getting out all the theories without confirming one."

Edward smiled and nodded. We talked for several more minutes about the merits of each movie, from the depiction of Two-Face to the relationship between Pepper and Tony. I was really beginning to realize that, no matter what the subject was, I loved talking to Edward. He had such an interesting way of looking at things, and he wasn't afraid to disagree with me, while always making me feel comfortable and intelligent at the same time.

Was it possible to fall for him harder than I already had?

Apparently so.

This conversation was so different, and it took me awhile to pinpoint why that was. It finally occurred to me that there was nothing in the way – no Jasper, no Alice, no TV…nothing. It was just the two of us in relative privacy with uninterrupted time.

It was wonderful.

It was also becoming harder to ignore Edward's hand sitting beside his plate, especially when he started idly playing with the corner of his napkin.

Just as he said, "It's really a shame they can't continue either storyline in _The Dark Knight_…" I took a deep breath, gathered all of my courage, and slid my hand across the table toward his. His eyes were drawn to it, and I know we both noticed how my fingers were shaking, but I continued on. Finally, my hand slipped across his, and I looked up into his eyes, asking, "Is this okay?"

His smile spread slowly across his lips, and he turned his hand palm up, curving his fingers around mine. "More than okay," he answered quietly as he rubbed his thumb along my knuckles. I took a shaky breath and bit my bottom lip.

For a moment, I was lost in the sensation of holding Edward's hand - actually holding his hand, not just his pinkie, and not just a brief squeeze. I tried to memorize the way his skin felt, and the unique way he touched me, as if I were precious somehow. That happy look was back in his eyes, and I couldn't help but smile at him.

Finally, Edward blinked and glanced down before saying, "So what do you play besides Warcraft?"

It seemed he wanted to keep talking just as much as I did, so I smiled at him and said, "Well, the guys and I started playing D&D ages ago. I'm the DM, but I guess you figured that out from my email address."

"DM?" he asked, seemingly confused.

"Dungeon master. I run things – you know, make adventures, kill off characters…" I said, and the sudden flash of understanding in his eyes confused me. I waited for him to comment, but he just smiled a little ruefully and didn't say anything. Weird.

"I've never known anyone who plays D&D before," he finally said.

"Seriously?" I asked. I knew not a lot of people played – or admitted they played anyway – but it had been a big part of my life for a long time. I wanted Edward to know what it was all about. "You'll have to come watch us while the guys are here. We'll be playing as much as possible since we don't get a chance most of the year anymore."

Edward smiled, and a beat too late, I realized that sounded sort of demanding. "Umm…if you want to, of course," I added. But this time…I don't know. I didn't worry so much that he might not want to. Still, I wanted him to have a choice.

"You know I want to," Edward said quietly, and I could tell he felt the subtle difference too. I squeezed his hand and looked up at him with a shy smile. I didn't know what, exactly, was happening between us, but I liked it.

Now I was curious. We had so much in common that it seemed impossible to me that someone with his tastes in everything else didn't game. I know I needed the creative outlet. "So do you game at all?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I love to play video games, but that's about it," he answered.

We talked for awhile about the games he'd played – it seemed he mostly liked computer games. He enjoyed strategy games, and I told him we'd have to all battle online sometime. Jasper and I got into crazy wars all the time with the other guys. It turned out that we were both really looking forward to _Street Fighter IV_, and we spent some time discussing the different characters we liked to play. It was really nice and relaxing and thrilling and comfortable all at the same time to be able to talk with him like this.

He ran his fingers through his hair, and I was lost for a moment in watching the movement. I felt myself bite my bottom lip, and then I smiled at my own silliness. But damn…he was so beautiful. I loved how his hair was always messy – and I realized with a start that I really wanted to touch it. I wanted to run _my_ fingers through it.

_Huh._

That was different.

I reminded myself to focus on what he was saying, so I wrenched my eyes away from his hair and instead got absorbed in the movement of his lips. I felt an unfamiliar warmth spreading through my body, almost as if I'd been drinking wine. I was hopeless.

To distract myself, I asked what else he did in his free time. I already knew he worked out with Emmett and went to med school, but I was kind of clueless beyond that.

"Well, mostly all I have time for is school, really. I go running and work out with Emmett three days a week. We started that when we were undergrads and needed to train. He was a linebacker at U Dub, and I ran track and played soccer. I've gotten lazy since then." He grinned. Somehow I doubted "lazy" was an accurate description of him, given the condition he kept himself in. Before my mind could become embroiled in images of Edward in a soccer uniform, he continued. "Other than that, I play video games or my guitar when I can. That's really about it. I'm not a very interesting person," he finished with an abashed smile.

_Riiiight…just the most intriguing, wonderful person on the planet._

I sensed my mental voices rolling their eyes.

My mind locked onto one thing though. "You play the guitar?" I'd always been intensely fascinated with people who could play instruments – probably because I had wanted to play the violin but was beyond hopeless at it. Too much coordination was required.

Edward's thumb gently caressed my fingers again as he nodded. "I play the piano, too, but I don't exactly have room for one in my apartment, so I settle for the guitar. When I visit my parents, I always spend a few hours playing my piano there though. Sometimes I just really need that…release."

I wanted to ask if I could listen to him play sometime, but something held me back. I sat in silence, just watching him, until he finally said, "You know, I don't want you to get the wrong impression of Emmett. Because of our fight, I mean…I sort of started it." He smirked.

I shook my head, trying to bring myself out of this weird trance I kept slipping into. "Oh…no, I don't really think anything of it. My boys fight all the time, too." I shrugged. "It's usually over stupid stuff, and then they're like best friends the next second. I've given up trying to understand it."

Edward chuckled. "I guess you could say it was something like that…"

I didn't understand the look on his face, and before I could ask, he was speaking again.

"I actually think Emmett would really like to meet Jasper's twin. Judging from the pictures, she would be exactly his type." His green eyes were dancing with mischief – and I liked it.

Unfortunately... "Rose has a boyfriend," I answered automatically in a flat voice. I really didn't like Royce. He was…slimy.

Edward raised an eyebrow at my tone. "You don't approve?"

I made a face. "Not really, no. Royce is…" I trailed off with another grimace. "I don't know. I don't trust him for some reason. And they don't really seem happy together. I don't get it." I shrugged.

We sat quietly for a long moment while I stewed before finally, it all spilled over.

"You know, Rose and I used to talk every day. And I don't expect that, of course – I mean, we all get busy – but the longer they're together, the less I hear from her. It makes me worry. And I really don't want to see Rosalie end up in a relationship she hates, but I'm afraid that's where they're going to find themselves in a few years. She's been distant all quarter, and I haven't even talked to her directly in a couple of weeks. It's just weird." I burst out, and then felt my eyes widen. _Huh_. I hadn't even known I was that frustrated.

"Umm…sorry about that," I said, biting my bottom lip. "I guess that's been building for awhile."

Edward just gave a tiny, understanding smile and squeezed my hand. "No, I understand. I know what it's like when things boil over." He smirked, and I wondered if he was thinking about whatever made him fight with Emmett.

I shook my head to clear it and looked down. "I just need to call her when I get home, I guess…"

"Speaking of phone calls…" Edward began but then let his voice trail off suggestively.

"What?" I asked, amused.

"What did Jasper set my ringtone to?" My head snapped up, my eyes widening at Edward's question. Could it get any more embarrassing?

"Oh, it's nothing. Just a stupid song," I hedged, hoping desperately that he would let it go.

Instead, Edward leaned forward, moving his hand to rest fully on top of mine. He placed his other elbow on the table and pressed his chin into his palm, tilting his head and gazing intently into my eyes. His lips formed a perfect pout, and he whispered, "Please, Bella? Won't you tell me?"

_Holy…_

_Yeah…_

_Fuck._

I could form no coherent words beyond those, and I blinked before my eyes widened. I stared at him, slack-jawed and dumb-founded. He was beyond beautiful, and the look he was giving me made me weak at the knees and suddenly very glad I was sitting down.

When I didn't answer, he breathed, "Please? I have to know…"

In a daze, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, placing it on the table. I finally snapped out of the stupor he'd left me in.

_Fuck. How does he _do_ that?_

I sighed and motioned toward my phone. "Go ahead and call it…" I bit my bottom lip and looked down, pulling my hand back into my lap when Edward moved his to get his phone.

I heard the few beeps for him to find my number, and then my phone was singing loudly on the table.

_I waaaaaaaant you to want me. I neeeeeeeeed you to need me._

I blinked several times, blushing ridiculously. I sensed Edward moving across from me, and then I saw his hand enter my field of vision. Gingerly, he tilted my chin up with his index finger, and I raised my eyes to his. He was smiling softly, and he caressed my cheek tenderly before lowering his hand, leaving a tingling warmth along my jaw.

He looked into my eyes as if he were reading something there. Then he sighed quietly, a defeated look on his face, and put his own phone on the table. "Call mine," he said, and I saw him look down at the table. My curiosity immediately flared, and I picked up my phone, scrolling through the numbers quickly to find his.

At first, I was confused. I tilted my head to the right, listening carefully. Then I said, "Is that…the theme song from the _X-Men_ cartoon?"

Edward slowly raised his eyes to mine, and he looked sheepish. "Damn," he swore, "I was almost hoping you wouldn't recognize it." He laughed softly at himself.

"Why would you set my ringtone to the _X-Men_ theme?" I asked, a little confused.

He studied me for a long moment. As we looked at each other, I began to feel many different emotions coursing through me. His eyes were intense and reflected everything I was feeling. Desire. Fear. Uncertainty. Longing. Caring. Excitement. Regret…love?

I heard my breath catch. At the sound, Edward seemed to steel himself, and he inhaled slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. Finally, he exhaled and said, "I need to tell you something." He put his hand back on the table, palm up, and I tentatively slid mine back into his.

My heart was pounding in my chest as if it were trying to break free. I couldn't think of what he might possibly want to tell me, but all my guesses kept swimming in the darkest direction possible. He didn't want to see me anymore. He really was gay. He knew I was interested, and he wanted to let me down easy.

I was spiraling downwards, and I felt my face fall. Edward was still watching me carefully, and he frowned in response.

"Don't be sad," he whispered. I nodded and tried to give him a small smile.

"I set your ringtone to the _X-Men_ theme song because something happened to me when I first saw you in that shirt…and I fucking love it." Edward sighed softly and squeezed my fingers, holding my gaze as he began to speak. His words flowed quickly, blending together into a musical utterance that it was hard for me to follow. "Bella, I never meant for this to happen - I swear to God. Alice warned me that you didn't date. She told me that something happened to you…" I was surprised at the force of the anger that flashed in his eyes. "She made me swear I wouldn't do anything stupid, and I'm pretty sure this would qualify as stupid, but I can't hide it any more. To be honest, I don't want to. I can't get you off my mind. You're in every thought I have – all day, every day. All I want to do is just make you happy and get to spend time with you. And I've been scared as hell to say anything to you because I'm so afraid that you'll tell me to go away and that you never want to see me again, but I can't keep deceiving you. I…I want to _be_ with you." His voice grew quieter and trailed off at the end, but there was no indecision in his green eyes.

I couldn't think. At all.

I blinked finally, tearing my gaze away from his eyes. I studied our hands linked on the table top and waited for my brain to start again. But it didn't. Nothing happened.

After some time – I couldn't tell if seconds or hours had passed – I heard Edward's agonized voice whisper, "Please, Bella…I can't take this. Say something."

Upon hearing those words from him, my thoughts suddenly kicked into overdrive. I tried to absorb what he'd said, but it seemed so unbelievable. Slowly, I realized that the most secret, precious hope that had been growing in my heart since my first sight of him was true – Edward wanted me in the same way I wanted him.

And here I was, sitting like a fucking idiot staring at our hands while he worried that he'd scared me away.

I took a shaky breath as my head snapped up and my eyes sought his. My lips automatically curved into a wide smile when I saw him, and I felt a fluttering deep within my core. He smiled briefly in response, but his eyes still looked wary.

A half-second later, I realized why.

"I feel the same way," I said simply, unable to express myself more clearly than he just had.

My mind was still reeling, and my heart was beginning to soar as I watched my favorite little crooked smile form itself on Edward's face. His eyes were dancing, and he looked as if he felt the same astonishment I did. We stared at each other for an immeasurable time, just smiling stupidly and trying to absorb the enormity of what we'd just admitted. I didn't know if it was as big a step for him as it was for me, but somehow, I thought it might be.

Slowly, I watched his smile begin to fall, and then he sighed, lines marring his forehead. I frowned in response. "What is it…?" I asked softly.

"Bella…" he began before stopping for a moment, shaking his head. He exhaled loudly, his eyes focusing on our hands before he tried again. "Bella…I hate to even say it, but…I'm going to have to know. I want you to do it in your own time and your own way, but I truly hope that you'll trust me enough to tell me."

_Pain. Rage. Blue eyes. High heels. Falling. Bleeding. Hating. Screaming. Breaking. Dying._

Gradually, I realized that my forehead was pressed against the cool wood of the table, and I was sobbing as I tried not to bite through my bottom lip. With a growing sense of humiliation, I became aware of where I was, who I was with, and what was happening to me.

_Fuck. Please no. Let me be dreaming this._

But no, I felt Edward's thumb rubbing along my knuckles, and while the action was soothing, I dug the fingernails of my other hand into my palm, struggling not to scream in frustration and anger.

_Motherfucker!_

My rage at _him_ perversely helped to calm my hysteria, and I took a few deep breaths before finally growing brave enough to lift my head. I could feel the tears soaking my cheeks, and another surge of embarrassment washed through me. But I realized, too, that if I was going to have any chance with Edward, he was eventually going to see this. It was, un-fucking-fortunately, a simple fact of my life.

My gaze slowly followed a path from our hands along his arm, upward to his chest…his neck…his face…and finally his eyes. I gasped quietly when I realized that his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. I blinked rapidly, a strangled sob breaking past my lips, as I worked to compose myself.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and I heard the tremor in my voice.

"Don't you _ever_ fucking apologize for this," his voice whipped out lowly, anger clear in his tone. He took a deep breath and visibly worked to calm himself before he spoke again. "None of this is your fault, and I am so sorry I had to bring it up." His voice broke at the end, and he blinked several times.

I shook my head. "No…you're right. I know you're right. It's just…" I bit my bottom lip with a sigh. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look into his eyes again. "I will. Just not…right now." My eyes were pleading with him to understand. He gave a small smile, the rims of his eyes red, and his thumb rubbed gently along my knuckles as he nodded.

He whispered, "I'm so sorry, Bella."

I managed a small smile and actually felt a little bit better just to have this openly acknowledged. I definitely wasn't looking forward to the conversation that would soon come, but I felt more…I don't know. Free, maybe, that Edward officially knew that there was something wrong with me.

_Wow, that sounds…great, when you put it that way._

_Shut up._

Edward squeezed my hand and adjusted in his seat, his eyes roaming the restaurant briefly before they stopped, and he smiled. I followed his gaze to see an old man sitting alone at a table. He was wearing a Mariners baseball cap.

"So…" Edward said, his voice beginning to return to normal. "Do you like baseball?"

I made a face before giving him a small smile in thanks. "Not really. I watched it a lot with Charlie – my dad – when I was growing up. It's sort of boring, honestly. I like football though."

We talked sports for several minutes as my breathing returned to normal, and I was able to let my horrifying shame slip away. I realized that Edward seemed to share Alice's flair for steering the conversation away from the things I really didn't want to talk about, and I loved him a little more for it.

When we both felt relaxed again, Edward finally sighed and said he had probably taken up enough of my day. I loved that he didn't seem to want to leave any more than I did. He walked around the table, standing at my side as he helped me with my chair. I smiled up at him and forced myself to stay close to him without cringing away. I realized, too, that I actually liked standing by him – just like I'd liked sitting near him at Alice's slumber party.

My smile grew impossibly wider.

After pushing my chair in, Edward took my hand and leaned down, whispering against my temple, "You don't mind, do you?"

I shook my head, smiling as I bit my bottom lip and squeezed his hand. His breath had stirred tendrils of my hair, making them tickle my cheek.

It was a strangely exciting feeling.

Edward led me through the restaurant, his hand trailing behind to hold mine as I followed. Once we reached the doors, we found that the ever-present gloom of Seattle had settled in once again, but it couldn't touch my mood. Thankfully, it wasn't raining as we strolled hand-in-hand to my truck.

He stopped a couple of feet away, and I continued on to stand closer to the truck. When I turned to him, he took my other hand, and we stood looking at each other. Edward smiled softly and squeezed both my hands. He looked nervous for some reason, and I tilted my head, but before I could ask, he said, "I was wondering…are you busy Friday?"

I felt the light blush on my cheeks – would I ever stop flaming red every time he spoke to me? I thought for a moment. I was supposed to be raiding, but fuck that. Jake could lead. I shook my head, not really trusting my voice.

Edward took a deep breath and dropped one of my hands, cautioning me with his eyes. He raised his hand slowly to my forehead and brushed back a lock of hair resting there. His fingers tenderly traced along my hairline, tucking the stray strand behind my ear before he lightly cupped my cheek in his palm. My breathing sped, but I didn't even have to think about it this time.

This was pure excitement.

"Would you like to go out on a…_date_ with me?" his voice was just above a whisper, and I was so fucking lost in the soft vibrance of his green eyes and the movement of his lips and the feeling of his palm against my cheek. I didn't miss what he was asking. He wanted to know if I wanted to move forward, out of this weird realm of friends-but-not-really and into something more definite.

My eyes were wide as I nodded with a timid smile. "I'd love to." There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I couldn't seem to find words that didn't sound ridiculous and grandiose. I wanted to tell him that I wanted everything with him.

He smiled that irresistible crooked smile and said simply, "Thank you." His palm left my cheek, trailing slowly over my shoulder and down my arm to find my hand again. His touch always seemed to leave a faint tingling in its wake that I was growing to love. He suddenly looked down at the ground and peeked back up at me, a silly smile on his face.

_God, he is _so_ fucking adorable._

_And gorgeous._

_Yes, don't forget gorgeous._

_And sexy._

I blinked at that last comment, and then I blushed in response to my own thoughts. I really was hopeless. How ridiculous.

I noticed darker spots appearing on his shirt as a light rain began falling. I frowned up at the sky and looked back at him with a pout. He laughed softly and moved to open my door before helping me inside. He held onto my left hand after I climbed in, and as I looked back down at him, he smiled and raised my hand, brushing a gentle kiss along my knuckles once more.

Just like before, I thought my heart would burst from the surge of exhilaration that coursed through my veins when his lips met my skin. I worked hard to suppress the squeal threatening to escape, but nothing could stop the ridiculous grin on my face.

Neither of us said anything else as he stepped back, closing my door. I watched him for a moment longer before I finally started my truck and backed out. Looking in my rearview mirror, I saw that he was still standing in the same spot, watching me, until I turned the corner and could no longer see him.

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**A/N:** If you get a chance, please check out my one shot "Silver Shell." It's an entry in bethaboo and TheEdwardEmmett's "Make It Count" contest. The rules were that it had to contain Twilight characters, be a one-shot, and have 1,000 words or less. Somehow, despite my natural wordiness, my retelling of Esme's suicide has 577 words.

It will be up for voting in round 3, which begins this Sunday, April 5, at noon and ends April 11 at noon. Visit bethaboo's profile to read all the entries and vote for your favorite. Thank you to all of you who have already read and reviewed "Silver Shell" – I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!


	15. Courage and Revelations, part 1

**A/N:** I don't own anything, especially not anything Twilight-related.

Sure wish I owned my own HotLoveMonkey, though. *sigh*

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**BPOV**

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, shifting my weight nervously from foot to foot as I studied my appearance. My hair was pulled up, and I was dressed in a white tank top above my black running pants with white stripes. Never in my life had I cared what I looked like when I was going to exercise…up until this week and Edward Cullen.

I lifted my arms to adjust my ponytail and winced as my muscles protested. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I was actually using my gym membership. I'd been paying for it for years, but I rarely had the courage to go. I hated the way guys at the gym stared…it always made me feel so exposed. Every few months, I'd work up the nerve to try going again – and the same thing would happen. So it was just far too easy to find excuses to stay home. Besides, I ran and ate right, so I was actually in very good shape.

Edward had called me Monday night after our lunch, and when he mentioned meeting Emmett the next day to work out, I'd asked which gym they went to. For some reason, I just sort of wanted to know the places he visited.

_Stalker._

_Shut up._

I told him that I belonged to the same gym, and he wondered aloud about how he'd never seen me there. I had finally admitted that even though I had a membership, I never actually went.

He'd gotten quiet for a moment, and then he'd said, "I'd be happy to meet you there sometime, if you'd like." I noticed he didn't ask why I never went, which told me that he probably guessed. I hated that I was so obviously weak. But…still…it was a chance to see Edward again, so I took it.

We'd met at the gym every morning since then, and I was sore in places I'd forgotten I had. We worked out side-by-side on some of the machines, doing cardio and a little strength training. We didn't talk much as we exercised, but we exchanged little glances and smiles, and I loved just having him near. It didn't hurt that Edward exerting himself and sweating profusely was a beautiful sight.

When guys looked my way, he tensed up and sometimes glared, and his protective nature made me feel more at ease. He also kept a comfortable distance for the most part, and I was both thankful for and annoyed with it. I knew he was doing it to make me feel safer, and I did…I just hated that I needed that to feel safe. Instinctively, I knew Edward would never hurt me. So why didn't my body seem to know that?

It was fucking frustrating.

Still…each time after we showered and met up again, we usually held hands on the way to our cars, and we found some small way to touch each other before we parted. I wanted so badly to know what it would feel like to have his arms wrapped around me, and I was trying like hell to gather the courage to find out, but…

But.

I sighed and wrinkled my nose at my reflection before I turned away to go put my shoes on.

I knew Edward was still meeting Emmett in the afternoons, and it seemed ridiculous to me that he had to double up on his workouts just because I was such a pansy. And so…here I was, at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon, about to do something either really brave or really stupid. Probably both.

I shrugged, took a deep breath, and finished tying my shoes before I grabbed my gym bag and headed to my car. The whole way over, I debated whether or not I should even do this. I didn't want to intrude on Edward's time with Emmett. I was sore as fuck, and the thought of working out again today wasn't really appealing. I was a little worried I'd be afraid of Emmett, since Edward said he was really big. I didn't know how Edward normally was at the gym - maybe he would rather be left alone. Maybe he was one of those guys who liked to leer at women. My breath caught at that thought, and I nearly decided to turn around.

But then I remembered that this was _Edward_. It didn't seem like him. And I thought he would like to see me just as much as I'd like to see him.

As I drove, I also thought about how different this week had been for me. Instead of my normal school-work-homework-cooking-WoW schedule, I now had…chaos. Edward and I spoke at least a couple of times a day. We'd met at the gym and at a nearby coffee shop. He'd gone with me to Charlie's to pick up our gaming table so it would be ready when the guys came – thank God the Chief hadn't been home. I wasn't quite ready for that particular meeting yet. I really needed to do some work on my thesis, but I couldn't even be bothered to research Donne at the moment. I didn't recognize myself.

And I really fucking loved it.

I still had moments of panic and self-doubt, but they were becoming fewer…and, thankfully, less pronounced. Sometimes the terror would overtake me unexpectedly, and I'd had another episode in front of Edward. He was always so sweet…just holding my hand and waiting for me to be okay. I hated the hurt look in his eyes. I knew he was hurting for me, and I both loved him and hated myself for it. He shouldn't have to look that way.

I wished so badly that I could be who he deserved. What had he done to get stuck caring about someone like me?

Pushing those dark thoughts away, I pulled into a parking space at the gym and grabbed my bag as I got out of the car. I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before I released the breath, walking toward the door. I squared my shoulders and stood up straight, trying to exude a confidence I didn't truly feel.

When I walked inside, I looked around carefully and frowned. I didn't see him anywhere.

_Maybe he cancelled with Emmett since he was just here this morning…_

Just as I was about to turn around again and leave, I spotted his bronze hair on one of the weight benches across the room. A big guy I assumed was Emmett was standing near his head, spotting him as he lifted. I took a moment to examine Emmett and decided he was probably a few inches shorter than Felix and not quite as wide, but he was built in pretty much the same way – very thick and muscular. The resemblance to Felix was reassuring as I felt safer with him than with anyone but Jasper. He was laughing at Edward, and his grin gave him dimples that made him look anything but intimidating. His dark, curly hair was cut short, and he looked…kind of like an oversized teddy bear.

Emmett didn't seem frightening to me at all, so I relaxed a bit and lowered my gaze to examine Edward. I froze in place, my eyes widening to take in the sight of him stretched out on the weight bench. I felt a blush climb up from my neck to my cheeks, leaving a blaze all over my skin. He was lying flat as he pushed the weights upward, his arms straining and causing his muscles to tighten and ripple. His sleeveless shirt had risen, revealing the sculpted abs some of his other shirts had hinted at. His legs were parted with his feet flat on the floor, and his calves were more muscular than I'd realized. His shorts were baggy but thin, leaving little to the imagination sprawled out as he was. Every inch of exposed skin was glistening with sweat that added even more definition to his shape, and the look of concentration on his face created a strange yearning deep within me.

_Good. Fucking. God._

I realized that now _I_ was ogling _Edward_ and, embarrassed at myself, I quickly glanced away…only to find a few other women looking at him as well. Two were being very discreet about it, occasionally cutting their eyes his way in the mirrors as they walked on treadmills, while a third had leaned against a nearby machine and was very openly staring. My eyes narrowed, and I glared at her, but she seemed oblivious. I stood in the center of the entryway observing her with my bag over my shoulder. I was envious of her obvious comfort. Her clothes formed a thin second skin over her toned body, which was tanned and…perfect. She was very pretty with a heart-shaped face and bright blue eyes that contrasted with the dark hair of her ponytail. Every piece of her – from her clothing to her stance – screamed self-assurance.

_He deserves someone like that._

_I bet she wouldn't be afraid to touch him…_

Stupidly, I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears as I realized she could do things with him that I just…couldn't. Or wasn't sure if I could anyway. I mean, I couldn't even actually _think _about them without going into full-blown panic. It was so fucking unfair. Why couldn't I be good for him?

Dropping my head, I began to turn toward the door, when I heard Edward's voice call out, "Bella?"

_Shit._

I should've known my luck would never let me escape unseen. I raised my head and looked back, seeing that Edward was now sitting on the bench, drying off his face and arms with a towel. He looked over his shoulder and answered something Emmett said, then smiled broadly and stood, jogging over to me.

I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my eyes, and offered up a small smile as I bit my bottom lip uncertainly. Even in my vague sense of despair, I couldn't help but notice how fantastic he looked as he made his way to me. The smile on his face and the brightness of his eyes began lifting my mood, and something about the way he looked at me reminded me that, inexplicably, Edward _liked_ to be with me. It made no fucking sense to me, but I was determined to enjoy it for as long as he allowed.

Just as he reached me, I said, "Hi…" and looked down shyly. So much for strong, confident Bella.

I felt his finger beneath my chin before he tilted my face upward, forcing me to look into his eyes. He looked so…_happy_. I didn't understand it.

The uncertainty must've been plain on my face, but Edward just smiled. "It's so good to see you! I didn't expect you to be here…did you not get enough this morning?" he joked.

The unintended double entendre made me giggle, and as usual, I began to feel nearly giddy being around Edward. My smile was more genuine as I said, "It just seems silly for you to have to work out so much, so I thought…well, I thought if it's okay, I'd just join you guys." I glanced around him to see Emmett standing at the weight bench, smiling at us. I bit my bottom lip and gave a quick wave.

When I glanced back up at Edward, he was gazing down at me with a tender expression. "I'm not intruding, am I?" I could hear the worry in my voice.

Edward was shaking his head before I'd even finished. "Not in the least bit," he said, and he reached out to gently squeeze my hand. He leaned closer, his breath giving me the best kind of chills as it brushed across my cheek when he whispered, "But I don't mind meeting you in the mornings, you know…seeing you is my favorite way to start the day."

He straightened and smiled down at me, raising his voice to say, "Come on…let's go introduce you to Emmett." He turned, keeping my hand in his, and took my bag from me, carrying it as we walked back to Emmett together. I marveled at the way I'd come to really enjoy holding Edward's hand. It no longer made me nervous…and I had even stopped fearing that I'd see _him_ when I touched Edward this way. The thought made me smile stupidly, and I swung our hands between us. Edward glanced down at me and winked.

_Fucking hell…_

_I know…I know._

I noticed with satisfaction that Edward's admirer had given up and disappeared. But I was actually a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to see her face when I walked past her with Edward.

_Heifer._

We reached Emmett, and Edward stopped us a few feet away. He squeezed my hand again as he said, "Emmett, this is Bella…Bella, Emmett."

Emmett raised both eyebrows and looked down at me with a smile, his eyes wandering between our hands, my face, and Edward before he held out his hand and said, "Good to meet you, Bella. I've heard a _lot_ about you." He glanced at Edward, and his grin broadened. I looked up in time to see Edward roll his eyes.

I reached out, shaking Emmett's hand with my free one. I noticed Edward's eyes widen, and I was briefly frustrated.

_Of course I can fucking handle shaking someone's hand!_

_Yeah, but…how would Edward know that? Huh?_

I sighed when I realized that the voice had a point. Edward wouldn't know yet that I'd had to work through that particular problem before I started teaching. It was hardly possible to meet with male students without managing some manner of control over myself. As long as they mostly kept their distance and everything remained professional, I was fine. At most, I occasionally experienced a small bit of panic. I'd learned enough about my…condition over the years to know that it was in more intimate relationships that I had the most problems.

Shoving my momentary annoyance aside, I smiled up at Emmett as I dropped his hand. "Hi, Emmett…I've heard a lot about you too. I hope I'm not interrupting or anything. I just thought I'd work on a few machines while you guys did your stuff, but I wanted to say hello first."

Emmett glanced at Edward again, a mischievous, amused grin on his face. I looked up at Edward as well and saw that he wore a small frown as he returned Emmett's glance. Before I could ask him what was wrong, Emmett said, "Now there's no sense in that…you'll get a better workout if you let us help you with some free weights."

I blinked at him and then shifted my eyes to Edward. He looked a little apprehensive, and his expression gave me pause. I didn't know what, exactly, their helping with free weights would entail, and I wondered if it was something that would cause me to panic. As I looked at him, though, his expression softened, and his crooked smile told me he would watch out for me.

I smiled gently at him and told Emmett, "If you're sure you don't mind…"

Emmett rolled his eyes and laughed. "If I minded, I wouldn't have invited you," he said with a wink, and he reached out and pulled my ponytail.

Edward's eyes widened, and he stared at Emmett incredulously. For half a second, I wondered if that should bother me, but honestly…it hadn't. So I decided not to make an issue where there wasn't one, and I just shrugged at Edward.

"Alright," I said, "but I don't want to mess you guys up – you need to do whatever you normally do."

For some reason, that made Edward snort, and he grinned when I arched an eyebrow at him. He finally said, "Emmett's used to helping girls out at the gym," with a smirk. Emmett frowned at him.

Emmett shook his head and muttered something under his breath before clapping his hands once and rubbing them together. "Let's see…we'll start with some curls. We can all do that at the same time." He nodded to himself and then tilted his head, studying me with a calculating look for a moment before he wandered off to the rack of weights. He returned holding two small dumbbells and held them out to me. I took one in each hand, muttering an "oof" when the weight surprised me. Emmett grinned in response as I lowered the weights to my side.

Edward smiled at me quietly before he and Emmett both went to the weight rack to retrieve their own dumbbells. Once they returned, Emmett began explaining the proper way to lift. When I couldn't seem to get my elbow in the right place, making my weights go all sorts of crazy ways, Edward put down his and stepped toward me slowly. He looked into my eyes until I nodded, and then he moved to my side, placing one hand on my upper arm to adjust the angle, while the other hand moved to my wrist as he helped me complete a few reps before he said, "There you go," and moved away to pick up his dumbbells again.

At first, I blushed furiously as we all stood around lifting weights, the sight of Edward's bare arms flexing and relaxing thoroughly distracting me. He stood in front of me and to my left, while Emmett was to my right. I was aware of Emmett close by, but all my attention seemed to be focused on Edward. Soon, though, the strain of trying to complete my own workout got to me, and I heard myself grunting as I tried to finish Emmett's prescribed number of reps. They both finished before I did, and Emmett kept encouraging me to do, "Just one more!"

When I finished, I let both my arms drop with a sigh that quickly turned into a curse as the dumbbell in my left hand rammed into my thigh. "Motherfucker!" I muttered before I could stop myself. I blushed furiously, and a giggle escaped my lips in my embarrassment.

_Damn it._

Emmett laughed at my exclamation, but Edward quickly dropped his weights and stepped toward me. He faltered just as he got to me, apparently unsure of what to do. "Are you alright?" he asked anxiously.

"I'm fine," I said before I bit my bottom lip. "Just not always the most coordinated." I carefully set the weights down before I rubbed my thigh with a slight wince. _Definitely a bruise…_

Edward looked unconvinced, so I smiled at him and nodded, blushing lightly. The way he looked at me…like I was…_important_ - it was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I mean, of course I knew I was important to some people – Jasper would've fucking starved years ago without me – but this was different. It was a certain kind of importance that made my smile broaden and caused me to reach out to take Edward's hand. His smile brightened in response, and his thumb caressed my hand as he looked at me.

Emmett cleared his throat pointedly and snickered.

I turned to him and arched an eyebrow. I liked Emmett, I was pleased to realize. He was friendly and funny, and I actually felt pretty comfortable around him. "Yes?" I asked a little haughtily.

He just laughed and pulled the end of my ponytail again. "I like you," he said simply.

I laughed with him and said, "I like you too." When I glanced back up at Edward, his expression was indecipherable, and I wondered if he was bothered that Emmett and I got along so well. That didn't really make sense to me though…I mean, I wanted so badly for him and Jasper to be friends. Before I could wonder too long, Emmett moved us on to our next set of exercises.

I lost track of all the things we'd done, but my arms were begging to be cut off from the rest of my body when Emmett finally said, "Okay…you can put those down now."

I leaned over, letting them drop to the floor with a relieved sigh that made Edward chuckle. Still bent over at the waist, I peeked up at him, blowing the hair that had escaped my ponytail out of my eyes. To my surprise, his eyes widened, and he stared at me while his lips parted slightly.

_Huh. I think he…likes this…_

At my realization, I blushed furiously, but I forced myself to stay where I was for a moment longer, giving Edward what I hoped was a flirtatious smile. In truth, I hadn't flirted with anyone in years, so I could only imagine what I looked like, but Edward blinked, staring a little longer before he swallowed and looked away.

I felt giddy and powerful and…just fucking _good_.

When I stood, my smile was stupidly wide, but I couldn't help it. That is, up until Emmett said, "Alright, lie down," and patted the weight bench. I stared at him.

"Me?" I finally asked.

He laughed. "Yes, you...we already did ours."

"But my arms are going to fall off!" I whined with a frown.

Emmett teased and taunted me until I finally laid down, glancing over at Edward. I was really glad to see that he looked happy, the unreadable expression gone from his face. "I'll spot her," he told Emmett, and suddenly I was looking up at Edward from below.

_Fucking. Hell._

_Shit._

_Is that…?_

_Don't look!_

I was biting my bottom lip and trying my best not to giggle like a little girl as Edward motioned for me to put my hands on the bar. I raised my arms, and I tried to keep my eyes away from Edward, but they seemed to be drawn there magnetically. I could see under the edge of his shorts, and I realized that Edward's thighs were as muscular as the rest of him. The thought was too much for me, and I finally giggled.

I couldn't tell if I just thought it was funny or if I was close to hysteria, and that confusion made me panic a bit. Then Edward leaned over the bar, looking down at me with an amused expression. I laughed harder at seeing him upside down, and when I snorted, I heard both him and Emmett join me.

"Dude, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think she's supposed to laugh like that," Emmett's voice taunted.

Edward straightened out of my sight, and I heard him hit Emmett as he laughed, "Shut the fuck up!"

Emmett must've hit him back because I heard a small scuffle, but then Edward was back in my field of vision, grinning down at me. "Are you ready?" he asked with amusement.

I was regaining some measure of control, so I nodded and bit my bottom lip. We stared at each other upside down with stupid smiles for a minute before I heard Emmett sigh dramatically. Edward rolled his eyes, grinned at me once more, and then helped me lift the bar off the supports.

"Fucking hell!" I grunted, my voice straining and my arms shaking as I struggled to keep the weight in the air. I was instantly serious, my jaw clenching as I focused on what I needed to do. Edward kept his hands on the bar, but he wasn't holding it up. Finally, I felt sure enough to lower the bar slowly, and I completed a few reps before I pushed the bar back to the supports and let my arms drop beside me, my hands brushing the ground.

"I think I'm dead," I finally said, and I heard the boys laugh.

I saw Emmett standing above me and off to the side, flashing a grin as he said, "Told ya you'd get a better workout."

I rolled my eyes at him before closing them, but I felt a smile spreading on my face.

As I lay there, I realized that today had gone…really, really well. I was getting used to being alright – and even happy – around Edward most of the time, but I'd also met a new guy and felt okay around him too. I knew that was largely due to the trust I'd slowly begun placing in Edward. If he felt like Emmett was okay, I believed him.

_Wow…_

Nothing but stunned silence sounded in my head.

I was cautious, though. I'd felt this same high so many times in the past few weeks, only to have it ripped out from under me by the stupidest things. My last panic attack had come when Edward had been driving my truck home from Charlie's with the table in the back.

_I'd glanced back to make sure the ties were holding, and when I looked forward, for a moment, I'd seen _him_ in my peripheral vision. It was so ridiculous. I'd never even been in this truck with that bastard, but my subconscious seemed determined to sabotage me, and I was left with my legs pulled to my chest and my face buried in my knees, gasping for breath._

_I hadn't even realized that Edward had stopped until I'd calmed down and found us on the side of the road. He gently pried one of my hands from around my legs and sat stroking it, a pained look in his eyes as he watched me. It was in those horrible moments that I most saw his need to understand what had happened to me, but it was also at those moments when I was so close to the edge of hysteria that I least wanted to think about it._

_I said the first thing that came to my mind when I saw that hurt look. "I'm sorry," I whispered._

_Edward's voice nearly growled, "I told you not to apologize for this shit, Bella. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, calming himself. When he opened his eyes again, his expression had softened, and he reached out cautiously, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear._

"_I…I _hate_ that you have to go through this," I finally admitted, bitterness in my voice as I blinked back tears that I was determined not to let spill over._

_He shook his head with a soft sigh. "What a silly thing to apologize for…" he whispered, and the backs of his fingers brushed gently down my cheek. "Bella…I'd go through this for you if I could. Since I can't…I can at least go through it _with_ you."_

"Shit…I didn't actually kill her, did I?" I heard Emmett's voice ask, breaking me out of my memories. With my eyes still closed, I smiled and shook my head before I finally sat up.

"Close, but I think I'll make it," I managed to smirk at him. I was a little surprised to realize that, though I hated having those breakdowns in front of Edward, he somehow made each of them a pleasant memory in some way. It was just his reaction…so caring, so supportive. In some ways, it reminded me of Jasper, except he made me all fluttery in ways Jasper never had.

I felt a little lightheaded as I tried to stand, and Edward helped steady me with a hand on my elbow when I swayed. I felt that same faint tingling feeling when he touched me – I was really beginning to crave that.

_I want to hug him._

That thought had been running through my mind several times a day ever since Monday. It wasn't a new thought, but it was a more persistent one. Just like his hand on the table, it was beginning to taunt me.

Once I regained my balanced, Edward dropped his hand, but he said, "Hey, Em and I usually go out for a drink after the gym. Do you want to come with us?"

Of course I fucking did. But I'd already taken up too much of their time, so I answered, "I don't know…I already messed up your workout. I don't want to get in the way."

Edward looked exasperated, but it was Emmett who responded, "Oh, come on - you have to come! Otherwise, this bastard will mope all night."

I felt a little thrill, and I couldn't help but smile as I glanced down at the ground. I looked back up and said, "Okay, that sounds like fun."

Edward picked up my bag again, and we started walking toward the locker rooms, still talking. Emmett seemed to joke a lot, and he and Edward had an easy friendship. I really enjoyed watching the two of them together. This was a side of Edward I really hadn't seen before – he seemed relaxed, and he was more sarcastic than I'd realized. Like so many things about him, the sarcasm was fucking hot.

I wondered how the hell I could be so attracted to him and yet so…_powerless_ and scared shitless when it came to acting on it. I sighed.

Edward glanced over at me. "You okay?" he whispered.

I nodded in response, but I know my face was glum.

"If you're tired, you don't have to come," he said, and I realized that he was nearly pouting at the idea that I might not go with them.

Just as it had so many times in the past few weeks, my mood swung again, and I was smiling when I said, "Of course I'll be there."

_How the fuck does he keep up with me?_

_Hell if I know. _

_I live here, and I have no fucking clue what you're thinking half the time._

_Bitch._

Lovely.

As we reached the women's locker room, Edward passed my bag to me and said, "See you in a few minutes," with a smile. I pushed open the door and then paused, glancing over my shoulder in their direction. I was shocked to see that Edward was looking over his shoulder at me, too. He grinned sheepishly, and Emmett said something, making Edward punch him in the arm. They entered the men's locker room laughing, and I finally made my way inside to shower.

Once I was clean, I dressed in my jeans and the gray Clash t-shirt I'd brought with me. I tied my Chucks and put my sweaty clothes and sneakers in my gym bag before I grabbed my brush and walked to the mirror to brush my hair. Odd as it sounds, I saw that I was smiling, and that sight made me happy.

I tossed my brush back in my bag and zipped it, throwing the strap on my shoulder and making my way out of the locker room. The boys were already waiting on me a few feet away, and I nearly skipped toward them, eager to smell the fresh scent of sandalwood that was always so strong just after Edward showered at the gym. It was so silly how the little things about him kept getting to me.

Edward held out his hand for my bag, and he added it to his shoulder with his own when I passed it to him. Then he offered me his elbow, and I slipped my hand through the crook of his arm. This particular gesture was a fairly new one, and I liked that it brought me closer to him as we walked – and I liked even more that I was okay with it. Emmett snorted at us, and I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed.

In the parking lot, Edward walked me to my truck and tossed my bag inside, making sure I knew how to get to the bar. I knew the one he was talking about, so I nodded, and he leaned a little closer.

"I'm so happy you decided to come join us," he whispered, and I could hear…pride in his voice. I didn't really know what he was proud of, but it made me happy all the same.

I whispered back, "I really wanted to see you," and bit my bottom lip as I smiled up at him. He traced my cheek with the back of his fingers, running them along my jaw before he gently brushed his thumb along my chin, making me shiver. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head.

He said simply, "See you there…" and then turned to go to his car.

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**A/N:** This is part 1 of this chapter. It became crazy long as well, so I'm splitting the posting, but part 2 should be up in a few hours. Hope you enjoy it!

Also, if you get a chance, please check out my entry for the "Make It Count" contest. It's called "Silver Shell," and it retells the moment of Esme's suicide in less than 1,000 words. If you like it, please vote for it on bethaboo's profile page. Thanks!


	16. Courage and Revelations, part 2

**A/N:** This is the second half of chapter 15, Courage and Revelations. I still don't own anything. Enjoy!

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**EPOV**

As I drove to the bar, I was fucking stunned. I couldn't believe Bella had shown up this afternoon. I knew she had to be sore as hell. We'd been at the gym every morning this week, and we exercised pretty hard – she was out of practice, too, having not used her membership in years.

There was only reason she'd come this afternoon, and that was to see me. Given what Alice had told me - and what I'd seen for myself - every little gesture she made like this left me in awe. She was trying so hard…for _me_. It was humbling. I didn't understand what she saw in me that made her want to try, but I was so unbelievably fucking glad she did.

Emmett arrived at the bar first with me just behind, and we both waited for Bella at the door. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin, and I said flatly, "What?"

"Nothing, man…" he answered. "I like her. She seems cool." He shrugged.

I raised an eyebrow. Before I could say anything else, though, Emmett said, "Here she comes…" and nodded toward his left. I turned to watch Bella approach, and – as always – she put a smile on my face. I couldn't seem to help it.

She held out her hand as she got to me, and I swear something in me melted a little. I know I sound like some giddy fucking schoolgirl, but there's no other way to describe it. The trust she was beginning to place in me was astounding.

I'd reminded Emmett at the gym that she hated to be followed, so I was a little annoyed with him when he held open the door and, sweeping his hand in a grand gesture, said, "After you, madam."

Bella looked up at me, and I led the way inside, her hand still clasped in mine. Once we got there, she stepped to the side of the door and waited for Emmett to enter. I took over, saying, "Hey, Em, why don't you go grab a table?"

He looked at me strangely before he nodded. Once he'd disappeared into the second set of doors, I looked down at Bella who was gazing back up at me curiously. "I just wanted to say hello in private," I said quietly with a small smile as I took her other hand and gave them both a gentle squeeze. It was the truth, and it was a lie. I really wanted to see if she was doing okay – this had been a long day of brave steps for her.

She just gave a silly smile and said, "Hi," before she bit her bottom lip, drawing my eyes there. That particular habit never failed to quicken my pulse, and the way her blush bloomed on her cheeks reminded me of the hours at the gym where I was able to watch Bella pushing herself. I'd thought watching Bella play Wii had been strangely erotic, but that had nothing on Bella at the gym. The sight of her there, being so physical with that light sheen of sweat covering her body and the look of concentration on her face reddened from exertion, had me squirming – and trying to inconspicuously adjust myself – every day.

With those memories, I felt the arrival of the nearly constant erection I sported around Bella, and I made a quick promise to myself that I would take a nice, long shower when I got home. Not that that was anything new.

I truly tried to contain those types of thoughts around Bella. I really enjoyed just being with her – she was funny and smart and kind, and she had the most interesting way of looking at things sometimes. I had hoped that, as I got to know her better, I would be able to focus more on her personality so that the way she tempted me physically would lessen. Ironically, the opposite had happened. The more she intrigued me mentally, the more stimulated I became in all ways. It was a problem I was beginning to hope would last forever.

Suddenly, the door opened, and I realized Bella and I had just been standing there, staring at each other, for…I had no idea how long. I seemed to forget everything when I was with her. It was fucking awesome.

Bella grinned at me, and we both moved to the side to let a group of women pass. I glanced at them, seeing that they were probably college-aged without really noticing anything else, and when I looked back at Bella, she was frowning at them. I followed her gaze curiously, but I couldn't quite figure out what put the frown on her face. When I looked at her again, it was gone.

Weird.

We finally made it into the bar, and I led Bella to the table Emmett and I always claimed. He already had a round waiting for us, and he watched with an eyebrow raised as I helped Bella out of her coat and into a chair with her back to the wall. I gave him a pointed look that said, _You could learn something here, asshole._ I smirked when he laughed.

Bella immediately took a sip of her beer, letting out a contented sigh as I settled into my own seat. I had to laugh. I loved how she was always so…genuine. She never tried to hide anything.

_Except her past._

_Fuck you._

"I ordered some wings – we can get something else if you'd rather," Emmett said to Bella. He glanced at me. _See, I can be all thoughtful and shit too, _his expression told me.

My answering glare said, _Get your own damn girlfriend._

Girlfriend. It was a word I had run like hell from for so many years, and now it had been kicking around in my head ever since Monday. I accepted that that was really how I thought of Bella, though it didn't seem like nearly enough. But it was the best label I had at the moment…not that I would dare voice it aloud.

Bella, unaware of the silent exchange between Emmett and me, said, "Thank _God!_ I'm fucking starving." Emmett and I both laughed, and Bella joined in.

From there, the conversation flowed easily, and I sat back and listened a lot, observing the way Bella interacted with Emmett. She kept her distance, but she talked with him freely, and most of the time, she seemed completely at ease. I listened as they discussed his business and her job at the university. Emmett asked about her thesis, and Bella told him it was on John Donne.

He cut his eyes slyly to me and said, "Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of him…he's a poet or something, right?"

_Asshole_. I rolled my eyes at him and muttered under my breath.

Bella smiled and said he was, and they talked for a few minutes about how her writing was going. From there, they reminisced about their days in college, leading the conversation to turn to sports, and Emmett burst out laughing when Bella said that her favorite football team was Cincinnati.

"Seriously? The Bengals?" he shook his head, taking a sip of his beer as he chuckled. "I guess I should've known you liked losers…" he nodded his head toward me and winked at Bella.

She laughed and blushed, glancing at me with a shy smile. I felt her hand on my knee and jumped from the unexpected contact, but she just gave it a gentle squeeze and left her hand there. I rested my left hand on top of hers.

_Fuck! You'd think she just grabbed your dick. Dumbass._

I had no answer for that.

"I think I liked their uniforms," Bella admitted with a giggle, and we both laughed with her.

"Well, at least that's a reason for liking them…it can't be the way they play," Emmett teased.

The wings arrived, and we devoured them while they continued to taunt each other through different subjects. The food was rapidly disappearing when finally, Emmett said, "So Edward said you liked doing electrical work?"

This had been one of the many very surprising facts I'd learned about Bella during our long drive to and from Forks to pick up her gaming table. I had no idea what the fuck a gaming table was, so I'd asked her about it. She'd explained that it was a table she and Jasper had made years ago when their group had gotten too big for the dining room table. Jasper apparently enjoyed carpentry, so he'd built the table, and Bella had matter-of-factly explained that she'd wired it for lights and her laptop. When I asked her about that, she told me that she really enjoyed doing electrical work, and that she, Jasper, and Embry – who did plumbing – used to joke about opening their own construction company.

I watched Bella's face light up as she talked with Emmett. She explained that she really liked working with her hands – it seemed like honest work to her, and it was one of the reasons she liked cooking so much. They discussed some of the more technical aspects and the science behind it before finally Emmett asked, "So if you love it, why are you studying English? Why not get your license and do it full time?"

Bella blushed and looked down at the table, blinking. "I thought about it," she admitted, "but I don't really want to be the only woman at construction sites."

She didn't say anything more, and I found myself frowning at Emmett. He looked bewildered and actually a little hurt, so I couldn't really be mad at him. He'd just been curious, not realizing where that particular conversation would lead. I sighed softly and squeezed her hand, causing her to turn her eyes to me. For a moment, her expression was so heartbroken that I felt a surge of anger at Emmett anyway. But as she watched me, her eyes slowly brightened, and she gave me a small smile.

_I would do anything for this woman._

_Anything at all._

She raised her head bravely and continued the conversation. "So I just sort of do odd jobs for friends and stuff…and Rosalie taught me how to do some stuff with my truck, and that's sort of the same, in a way." She shrugged.

"Who's Rosalie?" Emmett said, latching on to the feminine name immediately. He was like a fucking shark sniffing blood in the water.

Bella's lips turned up in a sly grin. She glanced at me before looking back at Emmett. "Oh, Rosalie is Jasper's twin…she's an apprentice at an auto shop in Portland. Did Edward not mention her to you?" She turned to me, and her expression was mischievously playful.

"No…no, he didn't. So what's she like?" Emmett asked with a speculative expression, his eyes bright. He loved cars, so the thought of a woman who worked with them had to have him close to jizzing in his pants. I'd been surprised to see that he really hadn't gone after any more random women since his confession of sorts, but that definitely didn't stop him from looking. I could understand that.

"Well…" Bella inhaled slowly and let it out with a sigh, feigning a sad, protective expression. "She's awesome, really. She's funny and sarcastic and smart, and she's really cool. She's loved cars since we were kids, so when we started high school, she took some classes and really got into it. She got a business degree in college, and now she's apprenticing so she can open her own shop one day. The rarer the car, the better for her. Unfortunately…" Bella trailed off with a frown, looking down at the table. "Well, unfortunately…Jasper sort of got all the looks in the family…"

I stared at her incredulously before I could compose myself. Though she wasn't my type at all, Rosalie was gorgeous. Realizing what Bella was doing, I assumed a somber expression and sighed. She was fucking with Emmett, and I loved it.

Emmett leaned back in his chair with a sigh before he rearranged his expression, trying to pretend he wasn't disappointed. I noticed he didn't ask any more questions about Rosalie, though. I could understand his disappointment. When you really began looking for that one person who you were attracted to on every level, it was frustrating to find bits and pieces.

We'd all had a couple of beers, so when the waitress came around again, we ordered Cokes, knowing we'd be there awhile longer but that we'd also need to be able to drive home. I noticed Emmett kept a slight pout through the rest of the conversation, and I actually felt bad for the guy, having been in his situation not that long ago myself. Of course, Rosalie had a boyfriend, so maybe this was better anyway. No need to tell him that not only did she love working with cars, she was a fucking bombshell too. His head might explode.

Eventually, Emmett said, "Well, Bella, I'm glad you decided to come to the gym today. I don't know when this asswipe was going to introduce us." He punched my arm as he grinned at Bella.

"I'm glad I got to meet you too, Emmett," she answered with a smile.

"It's a good thing you came along. I was beginning to worry that maybe Alice was right about him." He winked at Bella, making her blush while I rolled my eyes. "But you know, I never thought I'd see the day Edward was with just one woman – it was always feast or famine with him," Emmett continued. My head snapped around to look at him, and my glare clearly said, _What. The. FUCK?_

He shrugged at me as if to say, _She needs to know_. Like it was his fucking place to decide that shit. We both looked over at Bella, who was frowning. She didn't say anything at all, and I barely restrained myself from hitting Emmett.

I _knew_ she needed to know, but finding out so casually from my best friend instead of more thoughtfully from me wasn't exactly how I'd pictured that particular conversation going. Okay, so in truth, I hadn't imagined it at all – I seemed to be trying to pretend that none of that mattered because I wasn't that guy any more. But I knew it would matter to Bella. Of course it would. If I was being honest, it would matter a hell of a lot to me if she'd slept around with a ton of guys before we'd met. I knew that wasn't fair, but that didn't change anything.

I felt like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet. Why had I ever been that way? I was scared to death that it might mean I was never going to be good enough for Bella. I truly wished I'd waited for her, as I had intended to wait all those years ago.

_Please don't even _start_ with that shit. It's over. Move on._

Bella's expression made Emmett realize he'd fucked up – and not just with me. He hadn't intended to hurt her. He worked hard for the next several minutes, making jokes at his own expense until she was finally smiling again. Her pensive mood kept slipping in, though, and I knew she was still thinking about what Emmett had said, wondering about the implications.

_Fuck_.

I'd hoped we could put off this conversation a little longer, but it seemed like the time was upon us. After about another half-hour of conversation, Emmett picked up the tab with a look of apology directed toward me. I rolled my eyes before I nodded with a sigh. _Yeah, we're cool_.

We all stood, and I helped Bella with her coat before we made our way outside. We said our goodbyes to Emmett, and I walked Bella to her truck. When we got there, she turned and leaned back against the door, taking both of my hands in hers. I tilted my head and looked at her curiously, though I sure as fuck thought I knew where this was going.

I hoped I was wrong.

In an attempt to distract her, I asked, "So did you have a good time?"

A smile flitted across her lips as she nodded. "I did…Emmett's really cool. I can see why you guys are friends." But just as quickly as the smile appeared, it vanished, and she looked down at the ground, biting her bottom lip.

I sighed softly.

"Bella?" I asked.

She looked up at me, and I inhaled sharply when I realized there were tears in her eyes. Her voice was thick when she said, "Can…can we talk?"

_Fuck._

I kept my voice soft as I said, "Of course we can, Bella…did you want me to follow you to your place?" I brushed the back of my fingers along her cheek, trying my best to comfort her.

She shook her head. "Jasper and Alice are there. I…well…I kind of just want us to be alone for awhile. If…if that's alright?" She looked nervous and unsure, and I realized she didn't know if I'd want to be alone with her. How fucking ironic.

I couldn't wait to be alone with her, and I was counting down the minutes until tomorrow when we'd be able to spend hours together with few outside interruptions. I'd actually wished that our "date" could be us hanging out in my apartment, but I didn't think that would exactly qualify, and since this was Bella's first date in half a decade, I wanted it to be something she'd remember.

The knowledge that she was still unsure of how I felt about her left me frustrated, but I smiled at her, happy to realize that – even having a hint of what my past was like – she still wanted to be around me. It seemed like a good place to start.

"If you'd like, we can go to my apartment…if you think you'd be comfortable there, I mean?" I didn't mean for it to sound quite so much like a question, but I really didn't want her coming over if it was going to make her uneasy.

She nodded and gave me a quiet smile, squeezing my hand. It seemed like she was trying to tell me that, even though we needed to talk, we were still okay. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.

I gave her directions and told her she could follow me there, and then I made her get in the truck. It had gotten dark, and it was cold and wet out - I didn't want her getting sick from the nasty weather. I would've been happier to have her ride with me, but…well…I wanted to give her an escape route if she wanted one. The thought that she might decide to use it had me frowning as I made my way to my car and led Bella to my apartment.

Once I'd parked, I walked over to her truck, helping her out and leading her to my door. I did a quick run-through of my place in my mind, hoping like hell I hadn't left dirty underwear on the floor or something equally as embarrassing.

Though it went against my instincts, I unlocked the door and stepped inside first. I hated leaving her out there, even for a moment, but I knew she was happier this way. Once she'd joined me, I locked the door and led her on a short tour through the apartment, pointing out the different rooms. Her eyes lit up curiously at the kitchen, and she glanced inside. She smiled at something on my counter, and I looked over to see my KitchenAid mixer. She was so adorable.

She blushed as she glanced into my bedroom. I'd left the bed unmade, and even I could see the impression of my body in the sheets and my head on the pillow. Too late to make it now, but thankfully there was nothing embarrassing lying about.

I took her back to the living room and sat on one end of the couch, letting her wander around and look at things as she wanted to. Like Alice, she took in my mantle, empty of everything except my clock, and she seemed to like the fireplace, cold though it was at the moment. Her smile brightened when she saw my guitar leaning against the entertainment center, and she looked at me with happiness and astonishment written on her face.

I arched an eyebrow at her. "I told you I played," I teased. Did she think I'd been lying?

She giggled and turned to look at my DVD racks, running her fingers along some of the titles. She paused to read the names of my Xbox 360 games more carefully, and I found myself smiling at her. Finally, she walked over to the couch.

I expected her to sit at the opposite end, but she surprised me by sitting down beside me. She turned to face me, pulling her knee up onto the couch so she was sitting sort of half-Indian style. Her hands rested on her shin, and I turned toward her, mirroring her position and taking her hands in mine.

I waited for her to speak. Now that the moment was here, I really didn't want to delay it anymore, and I knew my natural tendency to deflect and stall would come out if I spoke first. I watched as her brow furrowed and she studied my face. I was really glad to see that she still looked…interested and caring. I hated the concern I saw in her eyes, though.

Finally, she glanced away, looking down at our hands. I saw her shoulders move as she took a deep breath before she spoke. "So…did umm…did Emmett…" she trailed off as she exhaled a sigh. She raised her eyes to mine, and I saw hurt and worry and concern and fear there. I didn't think she'd be able to finish her question.

I ran both my thumbs along the backs of Bella's hands, hoping she would find the gesture soothing. I steeled myself and became determined to keep my eyes on hers as I spoke. I was not proud of the things I'd done, but all of it had made me the man I was today, and if she decided to be with me, I wanted it to be with full knowledge of who I was. Anything less would feel…false.

"When I was in college…" I began, sighing quietly as I struggled to keep my promise to look into her eyes. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing hurt and disappointment there – especially not if I caused them. "I was not always a very nice guy. I was in a pretty bad place when I first started school, not that that is any excuse, and I really didn't know what to do." I paused for a moment, not sure how much of this I should tell.

_Fuck it._

_Yeah, get it all over with, man. No need to have to bring this shit up again later._

I grimaced, realizing what "all of it" would entail. I began idly playing with Bella's fingers as I spoke, and I found that there was no way I'd be able to look at her, so I watched our hands. This was too fucking humiliating, and I had never told anyone the full story. Never. Not even Emmett.

"Alright, so I don't know what Alice told you, but she is lacking some…seriously important information either way, so I'll just start at the beginning," I frowned briefly. Fucking hell. "When I was in high school, I dated a girl named Tanya for a couple of years…I had never felt about anyone the way I felt about her, and I really thought she was the one…" I trailed off grimacing as I remembered.

"Tanya and I talked about marriage, having a family…all of it. I thought that we agreed on so many things, but it turns out we were extremely different people." _Heh, fucking understatement of the century._ "One of the things that we initially agreed on was that we would wait until we were married to…umm…" Fuck. What the hell should I call it with Bella? "Well, to sleep together. But when our senior year started, she sort of began…pushing me…" And this would be part of the reason I'd never told this story before. Damn.

I sighed, and I was surprised when Bella began rubbing comforting circles on the backs of _my_ hands with her thumbs. I glanced up at her and saw only concern and maybe love in her eyes. I found that there was actually strength in looking at her as I spoke, so I kept my eyes trained on hers and tried not to focus so much on my words, letting them flow as they would. "I know it sounds corny, but I really wanted our first time to be something special and meaningful, so I kept putting her off. She…she became more distant and short with me. We fought a lot. She yelled at me, told me that I was making her feel unattractive and unwanted." I furrowed my brow, still bothered by that. "I did everything I could to make her see that I _did_ want her, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, I…gave in…" I could feel heat on my cheeks. This could not get any more fucking embarrassing. Bella's caring eyes gazed into mine, and I couldn't take it. I glanced away.

"We…" I trailed off, once again unsure what to call it. "Fucked" would probably be most appropriate, but no way was I saying that. "We had sex just once, in her bedroom one afternoon while we were alone. It was…" I sighed, pulling one of my hands free from Bella's to run my fingers through my hair. "Quick, honestly. There was nothing remarkable about it at all. I hoped, though, that things would go back to normal with us afterwards, but the opposite happened. Things just kept getting worse."

I shook my head. _And here is where my mortification will reach its peak._ "I was still trying everything I could think of, so one night, I went to her house to surprise her. I'd brought her flowers and all that shit. Her parents weren't home, so I let myself in just like always and…walked in on her with another guy. Just like a goddamn movie." Bella gasped, but I kept talking. "I didn't even know what to do, so I just stood there for a minute, and she saw me. She screeched at me. I don't even know what she fucking said, really. I was too shocked to do anything, so I just left. Walked out and went home."

I scrubbed my hand across my face and then ran my fingers through my hair again. I'm sure Bella didn't realize the worst part was yet to come. "She showed up at my house about fifteen minutes later, wanting to talk. By then, I was livid, and I yelled at her, calling her a whore…" Bella's fingers laced through mine, but I couldn't look at her yet. "She screamed right back, and she told me that…" I swallowed and my voice was lower when I continued "that I was the 'worst fucking lay' she'd ever had and that she had 'needs' I couldn't begin to meet. She told me about the guys she'd slept with and the things they'd done to her…it was fucking brutal. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I…shoved her…out of the house, telling her I never wanted to see her again." I frowned, hating that I'd put my hands on her, no matter what she'd said to me.

I sighed and finally looked up at Bella. She was watching me closely, her eyes roaming my face as she studied my expression. I tried to give her a smile, but it faltered before it fully formed. "Anyway, I was crushed. I thought she was perfect…I was going to propose to her that summer. And it turned out that she was doing all sorts of things I had no idea about behind my back. It sort of…killed me, honestly." I shrugged.

"So when I got to college, I didn't want to deal with that shit any more. I was hurt, but I was more fucking pissed off. I just did whatever the hell I felt like. I met random girls at parties or bars and went back to their apartments. I never even really knew their names, not enough to remember anyway. I didn't know a damn thing about any of them, and as much as I hate to admit it, I liked it that way. I thought I couldn't get hurt," I finally looked up at Bella, realizing that what I was saying sounded really fucking terrible. I had nearly forgotten she was there, so caught up in telling my own story while she was sitting so quietly. I wondered what she thought of me now. Her expression was apprehensive, but I couldn't really read it beyond that. I frowned and raised my free hand to cup her cheek.

She took a shaky breath and blinked a couple of times before offering me a small smile. Was she afraid? Did she hate me?

Unfortunately, there was still more I needed to say, so with a sigh, I began again, "Then one day…about a year and a half ago…" _573 fucking days ago, to be exact _"I was umm…with a girl, and I just couldn't do it. I felt sick. I holed up in my apartment for a few days, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, and I realized that I needed something different. As scared as I was – and that was really what it was. I was a coward. I didn't want to open myself up to that kind of hurt and ridicule again. But I didn't want random girls any more. I wanted something real." I gazed into Bella's eyes, trying to find the courage even now to tell her about it all – the poem, the waiting for _her_, how I felt when I found her. But even now, I was a chickenshit who was too afraid to put myself out there so fully.

Suddenly, Bella chuckled, but it was a dark, humorless sound, and I realized that her eyes were filling with tears. _What the hell?_

"Bella? What's wrong?" I asked quietly, and I wanted to hold her so badly I could hardly stand it. If I'd fucking hurt her…I felt the anger at myself bubbling up in my chest.

"It's just so fucking ironic," she said, her voice thick as she sniffled. I waited, but she didn't continue.

"What's ironic?" I asked, and my hand lifted of its own accord, tucking a lock of hair back behind her ear.

"You wanted something different from sleeping with random girls…so you get stuck with a fucking girl you can't touch," she said matter-of-factly, shrugging before her face crumpled and she stared down at our hands.

For a moment, I was stunned. I was angry. I didn't even know at whom. Myself, obviously. But I was also a little bit pissed off at Bella. How _dare_ she think I was "stuck"?

_She doesn't know. Remember?_

I took a deep breath and lifted Bella's chin, forcing her to look at me. She averted her eyes, and my voice was a little harsher than I intended when I said, "Bella. Look at me."

Her lower lip quivered, but she turned her eyes back to mine. "Do not ever think that I am _stuck_ with you. You have given me more than I ever thought I could have. I feel extremely lucky to be able to spend time with you, and every time you smile at me, I feel like I could die a happy man. So don't you dare ever say that I am _stuck_. This is exactly where I want to be. Whatever our problems are, we'll work them out together. Do you understand me?"

Bella blinked at me a few times, and I expected to see a smile on her face, but after she looked at me a moment, she lowered her head and fucking _sobbed_.

_What._

_The._

_Fuck?_

I didn't know if I would ever understand women, even this one that I was crazy about. Had I said something wrong? I couldn't take just sitting there watching her, so I tried to soothe her, running my hands lightly up and down her arms. She was still for a moment, and then she…launched herself at me. I froze in response as she slipped into my lap, resting her head on my shoulder and burying her face in my neck.

She was mumbling something, but I couldn't make out what it was. After I sat motionless like an idiot for a moment, I breathed, "Oh Bella…" and wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her hair. The sensation of holding her was unbelievable…better than I had ever imagined. Of course, in my fantasies, she hadn't been sobbing uncontrollably, but I decided I'd have to take what I could get.

I adjusted us slightly so that we were sitting more comfortably, and I gently rubbed her back, waiting for her to calm. Finally, she raised her head and looked up at me, smiling though her face was tear-streaked.

"I'm sorry," she whispered in a thick voice.

She really needed to stop fucking apologizing.

"Bella, _please _stop apologizing…what are you sorry for?" I kept rubbing slowly up and down her back, a large part of my mind lost in the feeling of holding her while the smaller part tried like hell to keep all of me focused on Bella and what she needed.

"I'm so sorry for what happened to you…and…and for not being able to just _be_ with you like I want to be. I know it's fucking frustrating, and I'm so scared that you're going to give up on me. I don't know what to do if that happens, but I also don't want you to stay around just because you feel sorry for me. I'm so fucking confused, and I can't even begin to straighten it out, but mostly I'm just happy…and I hope like hell every minute that you are too," Bella spoke frankly, and I thought it might be the most honest thing she'd ever said to me. She just bared her soul, exposing her fears and trusting me not to hurt her. Once again, I felt humbled and awed at the way she regarded me.

"Bella," I smiled at her quietly, unable to stop myself from caressing her cheek, "that's not going to happen. I'm not going anywhere."

"Edward…" she trailed off, closing her eyes. "If I…can't do this…I need you to promise me that you won't waste your time with me. It's bad enough for me to ruin my own life. I won't ruin yours too."

I waited for her to open her eyes, wanting to know her reaction to what I was about to tell her. It was the fucking truth, and she should know it. When her brown eyes finally fluttered open, I spoke softly but honestly, "Bella, you _are_ my life now. I think about you every second of the day, and I just want to be in your life in whatever way you'll have me."

I saw her eyes flash, and when she opened her mouth, I knew she was going to protest, so I gently pressed my finger against her lips and said, "There is nothing you can say that will change how I feel, Bella. I have been waiting for you my whole life.'

Slowly, her smile spread against my fingertip, and she took a deep breath. I moved both my arms back around her, just enjoying holding her close to me finally. I loved how I could feel each breath she took, though I'm sure I'd never noticed that before with anyone else. I gradually felt her relax, and she finally laid her head back on my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a long time, and I hoped she was enjoying this as much as I was. I noticed she wasn't tense, and she seemed completely at ease. Without thinking, I kissed the top of her head and then froze, wondering if that was too far. Bella's hand tightened on my arm for a moment before she settled back in again, relaxing against me further.

I smiled and rested my cheek against her head, just holding my Bella for the first time. I certainly hoped it wouldn't be the last.


	17. Jealous Guy

_**A/N:**__ As always, I own nothing you might recognize, but Pinkieward owns me._

_This one is for all the awesome people on the JOotG Twilighted forum thread who encourage my babble. I heart you all hard._

_Thank you SO much to those of you who have been reading, reviewing, and recommending my story to people. Chapter 16 broke 100 reviews, and it really means so much to me to read your comments. So exciting!_

_The title to this chapter is from a John Lennon song of the same name.  
_

----------

**JPOV**

Alice shifted slightly above me, her weight pressing against me in the most tantalizing ways. Her fingers were knotted in my hair as I wrapped my arms low around her waist, pulling her ever closer to me. I felt her smile as she nibbled on my lower lip, gently sucking and making me growl before I lifted my head, kissing her with abandon. Her smile broadened, and she deepened the kiss, sighing softly against my lips. Her hips moved against mine, grinding through our jeans and making me moan. I heard her soft giggle as she broke our kiss, moving to lick along my jaw. She really was fucking killing me.

Alice knew I had never had sex in my apartment. Ever. She understood and respected the decision when I explained to her that I really didn't want to make Bella uncomfortable, and it was easier to avoid Bella accidentally walking in on something I didn't want her to see if I just didn't do it.

But that didn't stop Alice from tormenting me every chance she got.

It had turned into a game for her. She took every opportunity to rub against me, trail her fingers along my skin, squeeze me, and just generally torture me with the most tempting sensations. I now expected that when Bella looked away for a moment, Alice might run her hand along my crotch. She always had a mischievous look on her face, and many times it felt like we were back in high school, stealing what touches we could while the parents weren't watching.

It wasn't always this way, of course. But when Alice was in a playful mood, I was in trouble.

And it was fucking fun as hell.

There was something to be said for making out without the possibility of it leading to sex. Otherwise, we'd sometimes get so lost in focusing on the actual act that we'd lose the excitement of kissing and rubbing and grinding and…

_Fucking hell._

_Maybe we should go back to Alice's place._

Just as I was pulling away to make the suggestion, I heard keys in the lock and groaned loudly. Alice laughed and whispered, "Mom's home," with a playful twinkle in her eyes. She rolled off of me, and we quickly sat up on the couch, holding hands and looking for all the world like a properly behaved little couple.

In truth, Bella probably wouldn't care if she saw the two of us, but…there was always the possibility that it would upset her. It just wasn't worth it. Plus, it was a very old habit – and now it had developed into this wonderful game of Alice's.

I focused my eyes on the TV, realizing that somehow it had stopped on Nickelodeon, and _Spongebob Squarepants_ was playing. I arched an eyebrow at Alice, and she shrugged and giggled.

We both sobered up quickly when Bella came quietly around the corner. One look was all it took to see that she'd been crying. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks were streaked with tears. She'd called me earlier in the day to tell me she was going to spend some time with Edward.

_That bastard._

My anger immediately flared.

I stood up and walked toward her. "Bella? What happened? Did he fucking hurt you?" My voice was cold, but I could feel the heat of my rage spread to my fingertips.

It was goddamn five years ago all over again.

Unlike Mike, Edward had no fucking excuse. He may not know exactly what happened to Bella, but he damn well knew enough to be careful with her. _Motherfucker._

I was so caught up in my own mental ranting that I didn't notice at first when Bella smiled and shook her head. When the realization finally filtered its way through my nearly incoherent thoughts, I was confused. She looked…happy. A little bemused, and she'd definitely been crying, but she didn't look upset.

_What the hell?_

"Jasper, calm down," she finally said. Her voice sounded shaky, but she gave me a small smile. "I'm fine…I'm…" she paused and thought for a moment. "I'm happy, actually…just…a little overwhelmed."

I frowned at her and studied her face, trying to decide if she was lying to me. She didn't try it often because it never worked, but I didn't want her to slip something past me.

She saw what I was doing and rolled her eyes. "Jazz, I'm serious. I'm good. Better than good actually. We had a really long talk…" She trailed off and glanced at Alice.

"Well, umm…" she finally continued. "I'm going to go change. It's been a stupidly long day. I'll be up for a little while if you want to hear about it…and…Alice, umm…if you want, you can come talk too?" The end sounded more like a question.

I stood there for a long moment without speaking. I was a little floored, to be honest. Bella really didn't open up to anyone but me, and I wasn't quite sure how I felt about her offer to include Alice.

_God, what a thing to be jealous over._

_And yet…I am._

I frowned.

But Alice just smiled and said softly, "That's really great, Bella…but I need to get home. I can't seem to catch up on my sleep these days." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye with a smirk.

"Oh," Bella answered. "Okay. Well…I kind of need to go shopping tomorrow after class. Do you want to go with me?" She bit her bottom lip and looked at Alice with wide eyes.

_What the fuck…?_

Alice blinked before she recovered. "Sure! That sounds like fun," she smiled at Bella and walked over to hug her. I noticed that her usual energy seemed to be lacking, and I couldn't tell if she was tired or if she was bothered by something. She seemed okay, though, as they talked for a few minutes, deciding to meet at the mall at noon. The sparkle was back in Alice's eyes and Bella seemed a little more composed when she finally went to her room to change.

I looked down at Alice, and she slipped her arm around my waist just as I was draping mine over her shoulders. I really loved how she could always read me. We just seemed to go together.

We walked out the front door and stood beneath the overhang out of the light mist that was being blown about on the wind. Alice turned toward me and wrapped both her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly as she pressed her face into my chest. I returned the gesture, and we stood in silence for several minutes, just holding each other. Finally, she turned her face up to look at me, and she looked vaguely upset.

I furrowed my brow, a frown forming on my lips as I traced her lower lip with my thumb. "What is it, Alice?" I whispered.

"It's just…" she sighed. "I'm just a little sad, I guess." She shrugged.

"Why are you sad, darlin'?" I didn't understand it. We'd had such a good night together, and she'd been so playful.

She studied me for a moment before she finally answered. "Edward would never hurt Bella on purpose. Never." She spoke with conviction, and I realized she was upset because my first response had been to want to kill whatever motherfucker had hurt Bella. Of course, this motherfucker happened to be her only brother.

That wasn't something I could just change. It was too ingrained.

I looked down at her, studying her eyes as she peered up at me. There was no wavering in them. She seemed completely sure of her words.

My brow furrowed, and I tried to work through the way I was feeling. I was pissed off that I hadn't immediately understood what was wrong with Alice. I knew I hadn't known her as long as Bella, but it upset me that I didn't anticipate how she would react to my blaming Edward. I mean, it was pretty obvious. At the same time, I knew that if he _had_ hurt her, there would have been no doubt at all about how I would have reacted.

And it would've been bad.

I sighed softly.

"How do you know, Alice?" I asked quietly. Maybe if I understood her reasons, I could begin to believe that too. But I had noticed that over the last couple of weeks, each day seemed to bring a new sense of dread. I could see the hope beginning to blossom in Bella, and it was such a beautiful thing that it made me ache. I wanted that for her.

But…with that hope came the possibility that he could crush her. I didn't think she would survive this time. Would I?

Alice hugged me again, pressing her cheek against my abdomen. I heard her soft voice drift up to me. "I just do, Jazz…I feel it." She raised her head and looked up at me again. "He's a really great guy, you know. You should get to know him a little bit. It might make you relax some…you've been tense all week."

I frowned down at her. Had I been that obvious?

She laughed at me quietly. "Yes, I can always tell when you're tense, you know." She pressed herself up on her toes, tilting her face upward, and I leaned down to kiss her gently. As she dropped back down, she said, "Edward is actually a very caring person. He's always watched out for me, and I've never seen him look at someone the way he looks at Bella. She's precious to him." Alice gave a small shrug and looked up with a slight grin. "Just like you are to me."

I couldn't help smiling as I lifted her, holding her close to me as I kissed her deeply. I couldn't quite say that I was reassured by her assessment of Edward, but she'd at least given me something to think about. If Alice trusted him, I would try. It was just so hard to trust anyone where Bella was concerned.

Still holding Alice, I pressed my forehead against hers and thought for a moment, my eyes closed. "I'll try, darlin'…I promise. If you say he's a good guy, I believe you. It's just a little hard to go against my instincts, you know?"

All was silent for a moment, so I opened my eyes to see that Alice was smiling at me. "That's all I ask," she whispered and kissed me again.

We spoke for a few more minutes before I walked her to her car. She had given me so much to think about…and I was sure that my conversation with Bella was going to be more of the same. On some level I knew that Edward was a good guy. But I wasn't used to putting Bella in the hands of _any_ guy, much less one that she was…in love with.

And I knew she was.

It was just so hard to let go.

What if he didn't love her the same way? What if he fucked her over and left her more broken than before?

I felt my jaw clench at the thought and forced myself to relax again. Obviously that shit was going to take some serious work.

I turned my attention back to Alice and helped her into the car. She smiled up at me quietly, and I could tell she was a little more relaxed. She was always so sure of everything, and somehow her confidence did make me feel a little better. She believed this would all work out for the best…I just hoped that our definitions of "the best" matched. I thought they did.

"You know…this isn't just about Edward. This is what Bella wants too," she said.

I bit the inside of my cheek before I exhaled slowly. "I know…" I said quietly. _If only it were that easy…just letting Bella have what she wants._

I reached down and caressed Alice's cheek, smiling at her. She really was so good to me. I knew from experience most women couldn't handle a guy with a girl for a best friend and roommate. Alice just…got us. She understood. And she even loved Bella.

There was nobody better than my Alice.

"I love you, darlin'," I whispered.

"I love you too, handsome," she said with a grin. She'd taken to calling me that after I'd blushed one day when she told me I was handsome. I didn't see it.

I felt myself blush again, and she giggled. "You're adorable," she whispered and reached out to squeeze my hand.

I rolled my eyes and leaned in through the open door, kissing her softly before I stood back up. We said our good nights, and Alice told me she'd text me when she got home so she didn't interrupt whatever it was Bella needed to tell me. Just thinking about it made my jaw clench once more.

After she pulled away, I went back inside, turning off the porch light and locking the door. I made my way through the apartment, turning off the TV and lights, before I went into my bedroom. Bella was sitting on my bed like so many other nights, her arms wrapped around my pillow as she leaned against the headboard.

She'd washed her face and changed into her pajamas, and she looked a lot better. Her expression was still pensive, but I couldn't see any distress on her face. I was frustrated that I couldn't read beyond that, though. I ran my fingers through my hair and kicked off my shoes as I went to sit beside her. She glanced over at me and gave a small smile before she turned her face forward again and sat there quietly.

As I settled back against the headboard, I said, "So what's going on, Bella?" I wasn't in the mood to be patient tonight, even though I knew I should be. Something was just grating on me. "Are you alright?"

Finally, she smiled and shook her head slightly, looking over at me as she rested her cheek against the pillow. "I'm better than alright, Jazz," she answered.

I waited for her to elaborate, but she said nothing else. Then her brow furrowed, and she said, "Why did Alice leave?"

I felt that strange, irrational jealousy surge briefly again. I pushed it back. Bella needed a girl friend, and Alice was the best she could possibly have.

_But she used to need only me…_

I barely restrained myself from rolling my eyes at the emo voice whining in my head. This wasn't fucking about me. It was about the girl sitting beside me and whatever had happened to her tonight.

"It's past her bedtime," I grinned at Bella, "and she didn't want to intrude on our time…" I shrugged. Like I said, Alice got it. Got _us_.

Bella nodded thoughtfully. "Jazz…you really give up a lot for me, don't you?"

I frowned at her. _What the fuck brought all this on?_ "What the fuck brought this on?" I asked. We never kept shit from each other, and this was a damn important question.

She sighed and stretched out on my bed, lying down on her side facing me with her head on the pillow and her arm bent beneath. I slowly moved to lie down as well, positioning myself just as she was and facing her. I took her free hand and held it between us, waiting for her to speak.

"I learned about Edward's…past tonight," she finally said, her eyes trained on mine. "It wasn't really what I expected, and it sort of…gave me a lot to think about." She bit her bottom lip and finally looked away.

I really hadn't been expecting this line of conversation at all. Alice said he hadn't dated…so what past could Bella mean?

"Well…what is it you're thinking about, Bells? You gotta give me something to go on here," I said quietly.

She sighed and looked back up at me. Her forehead was creased, and she looked…worried. "He's just…a lot more umm…" she trailed off for a moment before she shook her head, "experienced than I thought."

_Oh_…

_Shit._

I didn't say anything for a long moment. I didn't know what _to_ say, really. Finally, I asked, "So when you say 'more experienced,' do you mean…than you? Or…?"

I really didn't want to finish the question. Or hear the answer. First, this whole conversation was just uncomfortable and skirted way too closely to the subject we avoided. And second, I didn't know how much Bella would want to – or be able to – tell me. Although I wasn't sure how I felt about it yet, I understood that there were likely to be some things that were just between her and Edward.

I tried to suppress the grumbling I felt with that thought.

_Bella needs this, jackass. Stop thinking about yourself and be her fucking best friend._

She hadn't said anything, so I decided to try again. "Does it…bother you? That he's…been with other girls?"

"No," she shook her head, then thought for a moment, frowning. "Well, yes. But that's not what I meant."

I waited.

_Fucking hell, Bella._

"Come on, Bella…what's going on? Cut the cryptic shit," I said, smiling at her and squeezing her hand to let her know I was just concerned and not upset.

She briefly returned the smile before her face fell again. She took a deep breath, and I could tell that her silence was her working through what she wanted to say. I resolved to be patient…but that was hard as fuck.

"Well, you remember Alice said Edward's last girlfriend was named Tanya? And she ended things sort of brutally?" she finally began. I nodded. "So Tanya umm…well…" she sighed. I could see the indecision in her eyes, and I understood why – she was trying to decide what would be betraying Edward's confidence.

_Grr_.

Bella didn't keep shit from me. Until now.

Before my frustration could fully form, she continued, "Tanya said some pretty mean things to him about…about being…bad…at it." She bit her bottom lip and looked at me, her eyes imploring me to understand.

And I did.

Damn it.

And abruptly, I saw just how easy it would be to turn Bella away from Edward. I realized at once that I held no small measure of power over her relationship. I could feed into her fears, make her doubt herself, doubt him, doubt her ability to heal and to love.

Just the mere thought made me physically ill.

_What the fuck is _wrong_ with me?_

This was Bella, my best friend. She was such an important part of my life that I was insanely afraid of losing her – but I could never hurt her in that way. I had to put her needs, her happiness, above my own.

She deserved that.

And I was no kind of man if I ever tried to take this chance away from her. I knew it would be damn near impossible to ignore my protective instincts when it came to her – they really were second-nature now – but I would do my best.

Of course…that meant I would have to trust Edward.

_Fucking...fuck!_

All of this passed through my mind in mere seconds. Bella was still watching me, biting her lip and waiting for me to speak.

I nodded slowly, working to remind myself to put Bella's needs before my own selfish envy. "I understand," I said. "You're worried that if…"

_Not 'if,' fucker. Remember, her first. She needs that hope._

I sighed and tried again. "You're worried that _when_ you two are…together, you might not be…good?" I squeezed her hand, entwining our fingers as I watched her face.

She inhaled sharply, and I saw her face fall, her lower lip giving a single quiver before she nodded. Obviously, I'd guessed right.

"Bella, honey…" I leaned forward, kissing her forehead and wrapping my arm around her waist to pull her close to me. She buried her face in my chest, and I rested my chin on top of her head as I sighed. "Trust me…that's the last thing either one of you will be thinking about. Bells, when it's about love, it's something completely different…you'll be comfortable and confident, and it will be amazing. For both of you."

When she didn't say anything, I continued. "I know you think guys think with their dicks, but that's not really true." _Well, not always._ "He's shown that he's interested in _you_, not in getting laid," I admitted grudgingly, "so I really think a…comparison will be the furthest thing from his mind."

She raised her head to look at me, and I couldn't help teasing a bit. "Besides, if he ever dared think you were less than perfect, I'd kick his sorry ass."

Okay, so I was only partially teasing.

She gave me a weak smile and hugged me close for a moment, then backed away again, exhaling loudly. I looked at the unshed tears in her eyes, and my chest constricted as I thought of her in that situation. I was fucking scared to death for her.

I was surprised to see anger flash in her eyes suddenly. "Bells?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"Just that…" she clenched her jaw, "that fucking…_bitch_! I just can't…can't even…" she stopped abruptly, her teeth grinding as she sputtered. I was in awe of the force of the…fucking _rage_ I saw in her eyes.

She was angry that, years ago, some girl had hurt Edward.

_Huh. This really is real…isn't it?_

_Yeah, asshole. Get it now?_

I took a moment to absorb my newfound information. I found myself grinning at Bella's tirade, and she finally trailed off, arching an eyebrow at me. "What?" she demanded.

"You…you're cute when you're all protective," I shrugged and grinned at her again, tickling her until she was gasping for breath.

Once she calmed down, she smiled at me more naturally, though I could see there were still countless questions in her eyes. There really wasn't much I could do to ease those fears though. A lot of that was just something Bella was going to have to experience and work through for herself. Damn it.

I didn't like feeling so powerless where she was concerned. I was always able to help her. Always. But…not with this.

_That motherfucker better be good to her._

"So is that why you were upset tonight?" I asked her, taking her hand again as we settled back on the bed.

"Sort of…" she shrugged. "At least part of it. I…well, I also sort of…umm…threw myself at him?"

I blinked. Then I realized she must not mean that the way it sounded. Right?

Before I could ask, she blushed and said, "Not that way, dumbass," pulling her hand away to hit me on the arm with a laugh. "He told me about his…his past, and…" she bit her bottom lip before she sighed, and her words tumbled out quickly, "God, Jazz, I was such a fucking idiot. I mean, I was just sitting there goddamn _sobbing_ because…hell, I don't know. I was pissed off at her, and sad for him, and worried about…well, you know, and it was just…just all so much! And all I wanted was to hold him and make him feel better, but I was fucking _frozen_, just like with that asshole Mike, and I didn't want that. He's different, Jazz. I know he is. So I finally just…made myself move. I don't even know how it happened, really, but I ended up in his lap, and he was holding me, and…" her words slowed before she trailed off with a small, silly smile and a faraway look in her eyes.

_Wow._

I took a moment to appreciate the sight of Bella so silly and…_in love_.

I felt something within me relax, and my resolve to _try_ to trust Edward strengthened. She needed this. She _deserved_ this.

"What did you think of it?" I asked quietly, smiling with her.

"It was…tough, really," she said. "I mean, I think I was just so…so…_excited_, I guess, that I felt really tightly strung, you know? So I was scared. I just kept feeling like I was going to…lose it any second. But I didn't. And…Jazz?" She was smiling at me, and I barely recognized that light of pride in her eyes.

"What is it, Bells?" I smiled at her and brushed back the hair that was falling across her forehead.

"I calmed myself down by thinking of Edward. You know how I normally have to think of like you or Felix or whatever…? I didn't have to this time. I kept thinking, 'This is Edward…' over and over, and it helped me relax." Her smile beamed, and I hadn't seen her ride this sort of high since…I couldn't even remember when, honestly. There was pride and contentment and excitement and just…_love_ written all over her face.

After a moment, she bit her bottom lip. "I met Emmett today, too. And I was really okay with him – like I wasn't scared. When I first saw him, I thought about how he reminded me of Felix. He's big like that, but Felix is bigger." She grinned at me. Felix was damn _huge_. "But Jazz, I'm okay with him because _Edward_ trusts him." Her eyes were wide, and she looked as stunned as I felt.

We both took a deep breath at the same time, and the realization made us laugh. As we laughed, I could feel years of tension beginning to drain from each of us, and for the first time, I thought, _This may be alright…_

Once we'd laughed ourselves silly and talked for a little while longer, Bella's eyes were drifting closed. She was exhausted, and I was sure the day had been emotionally draining for her. I helped her make it to her bed and tucked her in, ruffling her hair and kissing her forehead. "Good night, silly girl," I whispered and grinned down at her as she made a face at me.

She was asleep before I made it out of the room.

I turned off her light and closed the door before calling Alice to tell her goodnight. I fell asleep thinking of the irrational possessiveness I kept feeling, promising myself I would get over it…or at least keep it from Bella. This was too good for her to have me mess it up.

----------

When I woke up in the morning, my resolve was tested. I was tense once again, and beyond that, I realized I was anxious. I couldn't figure out why, but when I found myself muttering random threats against Edward, I realized I was going to have to talk to him.

There were a few things he needed to understand.

I went through my day in a fog – going to class, eating mechanically, driving on autopilot. Alice and Bella were out shopping for the day, so there were no distractions. I tried to play WoW, but I couldn't seem to focus, and I kept deciding to log out, only to log back in half an hour later. It was ridiculous.

Bella's date was at 7:00. When I glanced at the clock and saw it was finally 6:15, I nearly called Edward. I pulled my phone from my pocket and patted it against my hand. Bella had given me his number just in case, and I was seriously tempted to use it. I just…didn't know if I should. I put it back in my pocket with a sigh. Given the promise I'd made to put Bella first, I couldn't decide if I would be doing this for her…or for me.

I rubbed the heels of my hands against my eyes.

It wasn't my place.

_The hell it's not!_

The protective beast I'd been restraining all day suddenly revolted and broke free. _I _had known Bella since we were eight. _I_ had been there for all her skinned knees and bruises. _I _had comforted her while she cried when her parents got divorced. _I_ had held her hand when her first boyfriend broke her heart. _I _had fucking held her while she screamed for the past seven goddamn years.

And _I_ would be the one who would hold her again if he fucked up.

I pulled the phone from my pocket again and flipped it open. Before I could dial, I heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, muttering to myself.

----------

**EPOV**

My foot was heavy on the gas pedal, making my tires squeal as I pulled away from my apartment complex. I never treated my car that way, but I couldn't find it in me to care just then. It was right around 6:00 on Friday, and I was on my way to see Jasper.

I knew Bella and Alice were going to be out shopping all day, and it had taken a lot of willpower to last as long as I had. I couldn't shake the feeling that Jasper was jealous of Bella and me. And that made me fucking wonder why.

As I drove, I thought back over my conversation with Alice this morning, trying to figure out what, exactly, made me so anxious today.

----------

_My day had started out well enough. I'd checked my email after rolling out of bed and learned that class had been cancelled. I considered using the time to make breakfast before I realized I was really fucking tired and just wanted to sleep._

_I'd crawled back into bed and passed out, only to be woken a couple of hours later by the feeling of someone settling onto my bed._

_Alice._

_I cracked one eye, confirmed my suspicion, and tried to sleep on. I was hoping she'd get the hint, but she just sighed and stayed where she was. I groaned and grumbled, "Damn it, Alice…you have impeccable timing. My class was cancelled for the first time in two years, and I just want to sleep. What are you doing here?"_

"_I know your class was cancelled," she answered quietly. "I was waiting outside the building for you, and one of the students told me."_

_Her tone of voice worried me, and I managed to open my eyes, frowning at her. I sat up, scrubbing my face and running a hand through my hair as I leaned against the headboard with a yawn._

_She glanced at my bare chest and leaned over, grabbing my T-shirt from the floor and handing it to me. _

_I muttered, "Thanks," and pulled it over my head. "So what's up?"_

"_I'm worried, Edward," she said, and I could hear the concern in her voice. Fucking hell. "Is everything okay with you and Bella?"_

_As I watched Alice and tried to think of what to say, I realized that this was the first time anyone else had openly acknowledged that Bella and I were…together. I smiled at Alice, appreciating that thought before I reminded myself that she was worried. My smile fell as I said, "Yeah, Alice, we're fine. We actually had a really long talk last night." _

And Bella jumped into my lap,_ I added to myself as I fought to keep the smirk off my face._

_Alice tilted her head and looked at me shrewdly. "When Bella came home last night, she looked like she'd been crying." She arched an eyebrow at me. "Do you happen to know why?"_

"_Bella was crying?" I asked with a frown. She had been fine with she left, but I knew it had been an emotional night for her. I still couldn't help the small smile that formed when I thought about holding her last night. But then the troubled look on Alice's face reminded me of her words, and I sighed._

"_No…I don't know why," I replied slowly before I sighed. "I can maybe guess, though."_

_Fuck. Maybe she'd been more upset by my past…exploits than she'd let on. And I really didn't want to talk about any of that shit with Alice._

_As I was trying to figure out what to say, Alice said, "I talked to Jasper later. Bella's fine. She was just a little overwhelmed…but Edward…" She bit the inside of her cheek. "Edward, I just need to know how you feel about her."_

_I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I suddenly let it out, feeling my chest collapse. In a flash, several thoughts crossed my mind. I remembered Alice's pleading warning not to do anything stupid. Alice telling me she loved Bella. Calling me asexual. Thinking I was safe to be around Bella because I didn't date._

_I knew instinctively that all of these were reasons to tread cautiously – to hide just how strongly I felt about Bella._

_But I couldn't lie about this._

_I didn't _want_ to lie about this._

"_I love her," I answered simply._

_Alice blinked at me, and the look of disbelief in her eyes was nearly comical. I didn't know if she hadn't realized I felt that way…or if she just hadn't expected me to admit it so freely. But, damn it, loving Bella was the best thing I'd ever known. I wasn't about to hide that._

_Slowly, Alice smiled, and then she squealed and hugged me. I laughed at her as I returned the hug, ruffling her hair when she pulled away. She began asking me countless questions – how long had this been going on? When did I know? What did we do last night? And on and on…_

_I noticed as we talked how often Jasper's name came up. Jasper was worried. Jasper just wanted Bella to be happy. Jasper had been distracted when he told Alice goodnight last night. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper._

_I discovered my eyes narrowed slightly each time Alice said his name in conjunction with Bella's. The conversation had drifted away to our Thanksgiving plans – Alice and I would be flying to Chicago to be with our parents the Friday after Thanksgiving. Our dad always volunteered to work holidays at the hospital now that we were grown. When she mentioned that Bella would be spending Thanksgiving at Jasper's, I felt my jaw clench._

This is fucking ridiculous_, I thought. Why should I be upset that she was spending the holiday with her best friend?_

Because her best friend is a dude.

A dude she lives with.

A dude that holds her hand and tickles her and sprawls out with her in bed to talk.

The same dude that's sleeping with your sister.

_I grimaced. Alice had let the detail of Jasper and Bella's bedroom conversations slip the last time she and I had talked. I tried not to let it bother me, but…the thought of my Bella on some other guy's bed just…_

_I didn't get how it didn't bother Alice. Sometimes I wished I could be as…confident as she always was. Must be nice._

_I had lost track of what Alice was talking about, but after a few more minutes, she said she needed to go. She was meeting Bella at the mall, and they were going shopping together. I was surprised, but it made me happy to know that Bella was getting out and having some fun today._

If you can call shopping with Alice fun,_ a voice in my head snickered._

_I smirked._

_When Alice mentioned that she was going to help Bella get ready for our date tonight, I smiled. Seeing an opportunity, I told Alice what we were going to be doing – I was keeping it a secret from Bella – and Alice went all silly and girly on me before she said she'd make sure Bella was dressed appropriately._

"_Do you think she'll have fun?" I asked, still a little worried. The season and Seattle's gloomy weather were severely limiting the possibilities._

"_I think it's perfect, Edward," she answered with a smile._

_She was still all smiles when she left, saying she felt better and she just knew that this was all going to work out. She called out a cheerful goodbye, telling me to go back to bed. I rolled my eyes and waved. When I closed the door to my apartment, the strange annoyance began growing._

_----------_

That annoyance had strengthened all day. Several times, I considered calling Jasper. I had his number from Bella, just in case I needed to get in touch with her and couldn't reach her. That very thought set my teeth grinding again.

_Oh, sure, if I can't find her, Jasper will always know where she is._

_Fucker._

I had kept trying to distract myself, and I realized that I was being irrational. They had been friends forever. He cared about her. She loved him, but I didn't worry at all that she was interested in him.

But I couldn't shake the fear that maybe he was interested in her. I didn't want Alice to be hurt, and the thought that she might be made my anger smolder. But when I thought about the fact that _I_ could lose _Bella_ to him, my rage fucking erupted.

Still, there was that calmer, more rational part of my mind that realized that Jasper was probably just feeling concerned because Bella was dating for the first time in years. I mean, that was a hell of a big change, and I knew he had to be worried that I would hurt her.

That thought sobered me a bit.

Jasper cared for Bella. I should be grateful that he was there for her all those years. Otherwise, I didn't know who she would even be right now. But…I just couldn't help feeling overprotective and even jealous.

These conflicting emotions were what finally drove me to go to Bella's apartment early. I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it face to face where I could, hopefully, control myself better. I didn't want to be a total fuckhole – I mean, this was not only my sister's boyfriend, but if Bella and I worked out the way I hoped we would, he would be part of my life for a long fucking time.

He just needed to understand some things. And answer a few questions.

With that thought, I turned into their apartment complex and parked. I twirled my keys around my finger as I walked, my mind working methodically through how I should start. I exhaled forcefully and put the keys in my pocket, knocking on the door.

Jasper answered the door with an annoyed look that quickly turned to surprise. He snapped the phone in his hand shut and slipped it into his pocket. "Edward?" he asked.

_No shit._

I tried to rein in the sarcasm, saying simply, "Hey, man…I know Bella and Alice are out for the day, and I was just hoping we could talk."

Something flashed in his eyes before he nodded, stepping back so I could walk into the apartment. "Want a beer?" he asked me.

I just nodded, and he led me down the hall to the kitchen, grabbing beers for both of us before we headed into the living room. Jasper walked ahead of me and reclined on the loveseat, so I took over the couch.

We looked at each other in silence for a few minutes while we drank our beer.

_Fuck. How do I start this without sounding like a whining middle schooler afraid his friend is going to steal his girlfriend?_

Jasper surprised me by saying, "I had my phone out to call you."

"Really?" I asked, confused. "Why?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Because I need to talk to you."

That was…interesting. I frowned and took a sip of my beer, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. Curiosity definitely got the best of me. I had to hear this.

"Alright, what is it?" I said.

Jasper took a long drink from his beer and set his bottle on the end table. He ran a hand through his hair and lifted one foot, resting it on an ottoman with a frown. He finally muttered, "Fuck," before he looked over at me.

"Look, Edward…" he began, and I saw a faint grimace on his face, "I'm going to try to do this without sounding like an ass, but…there are some things you need to understand."

My eyes narrowed slightly as I fought the urge to scowl. Some things _I_ needed to understand?

Jasper noticed my expression and gave a small laugh, shaking his head before he put his foot on the floor and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looking at me. "Alright, so let's just get this out there – we both care about Bella. Let's try to make this about her, alright?"

He waited for me to nod before he sighed and continued. "I know Bella cares about you. A lot. To be fucking honest, she's more…alive than I've seen her in years." He shook his head slightly before he looked away, muttering something I couldn't quite catch.

Finally, he looked back over at me, and I was surprised to realize he looked…earnest. "I'm grateful for the change, Edward. It's fucking killed me to watch her just…exist…for so many years. But I'm worried. _You_ are the reason for the change. I get that. But Bella's putting her trust in you…and that means you have the fucking power to break her beyond all repair." He grew quiet and glanced away, and I saw him swallow before I looked away from him.

Fuck. It was really hard to be pissed off at him when I saw how much he cared about Bella – it was causing him pain to think of her hurt.

But that thought reminded me of my fears, and my head swung back around to study his face shrewdly. Why, exactly, was he so concerned?

I couldn't tell if he was finished or not, but somehow I thought that wasn't all he had to say, so I waited. When I next heard his voice, it was quiet, and it seemed as though he were unsure of how much to say.

"I won't get into what happened. It's not my place to tell you. But for a couple of years afterward, Bella went to therapy, and she was getting better. Then she just…stopped. We all tried to talk some sense into her, but she was determined, and when that woman gets determined…" He shook his head with a sigh and then raised his eyes to meet my gaze. "She's been okay since then. But she's sort of…kept herself locked away. There are things she hasn't dealt with. That's all coming out now, and I'm glad. It needs to happen. But that means she's more vulnerable, too."

"Bella told me about…about breaking down in front of you…" I was surprised to hear his voice break on the last word. I couldn't decide what this obvious emotion meant about how he saw Bella, and that made me frustrated even while I felt the pain of the memories his words triggered. "But…fuck, man. You haven't come close to seeing how bad it can get yet."

His eyes were haunted as he spoke, and I felt a sense of dread wash over me when he continued, his voice barely a whisper. "You know things weren't good in Phoenix. When…when she moved back, she was just…fucking dead. It took months before I could even make her smile again, and then her smiles were short-lived. Her eyes were…" he trailed off, shaking his head and blinking down at the floor.

Taking a deep breath, he looked back up at me. "Not my place," he said simply. "Look, Edward, I like you a lot. I do. And I love Alice. But if you fucking hurt Bella, I. Will. End. You."

I felt rage seething deep within me. How _dare_ he even _suggest_ I would hurt Bella?

I fucking snapped.

Before I knew it, I was on my feet, glaring down at him. "I would _never_ hurt Bella! How _dare_ you…"

But I didn't get a chance to finish because Jasper was on his feet in an instant, his face flushing with anger as he said, "How dare _I_? Motherfucker…"

And he stepped toward me, the two of us yelling at each other inches apart. I didn't even catch anything he was saying, so indignant was I that he would even think I could hurt my Bella. Suddenly, Jasper held up both hands, surrender-style, and gave me a small smile before he shook his head and sat back down on the loveseat.

I stood there a moment longer and realized how ridiculous I must look. My chest was heaving from my rant, and I knew my face must be red. _Wonderful_. I took a few deep breaths and settled back on the couch, looking at Jasper pointedly.

He held up his hands again. "Sorry…I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I just had to get it out there." He gave me a small smile. "Honestly, man, if I thought there were _any_ possibility that you could hurt Bella, you wouldn't be sitting on my couch right now. But it had to be said." He shrugged and picked up his beer, taking a sip as he leaned back on the couch, more relaxed now.

It made sense, in a way. It actually made me happy to hear that he didn't think I would ever hurt Bella. But…while I was glad to know what was on his mind, I still had some fucking questions I needed answered too. I picked up my own bottle, peeling the label as I thought.

Jasper's voice interrupted my musings. "So…I doubt you came over here just so I could be a prick and yell at you. What's on your mind?"

I glanced up, trying to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to know.

_Fuck it._

"Are you in love with Bella?" I asked, point blank. It hurt to even say the words aloud, and I felt myself tense, ready to kick his ass if he answered the wrong way.

He looked shocked for a moment, and then…he fucking _laughed_.

A growl built deep within my chest, and I hissed, "What the fuck is so funny?"

"Is that seriously what you're worried about?" he chuckled, working to control himself. I frowned at him. This wasn't some fucking joke.

"Yes, it is. Besides the fact that I'm in love with Bella, that's my sister you're fucking around with," I reminded him, and I saw a flash of anger in his eyes.

"I'm not _fucking around_ with Alice," I heard the implied 'asshole' and was actually impressed with his restraint. I didn't seem to have any anymore. He moderated his tone, and when he spoke again, it was quietly and…sincerely. "I've never loved anyone like I love Alice."

He bit the inside of his cheek, and I absently thought, _So that's where Alice picked that shit up…_

He looked at me carefully and then said, "I'm planning to propose to her, man. You're the first to know."

I sat back, absorbing that, and as I was about to speak, he asked, "You're in love with her, Edward? Really?"

I looked over at him, and he was staring back at me evenly. "Yes," I answered, "I am." As with Alice, I figured the simple truth was the best.

He studied me for a long time, reading my expression, looking for any sign that I was lying. Finding none, he slowly began to shake his head, and then a smile spread across his face as the tension seemed to drain from him.

There was still so much that annoyed me – the things he knew that I didn't, the way Bella could be so free with him, the countless ways he was woven into her life – but I was just so fucking tired of holding onto it all. And that thought from earlier kept coming back to me…Jasper was going to be a big part of my life if Bella and I worked out how I hoped we would. How I _believed_ we would.

So for the moment, I just let it go. I returned his smile and picked up my beer, drinking the rest of it as our conversation moved to other topics. I could tell he was just as drained as I was with dealing with all the emotional crap, and we avoided talking about both Alice and Bella. I knew we'd both be mulling over all that had been said later, but we needed a fucking break.

We were talking about our favorite songs on _Rock Band 2_ when I glanced at the clock above the mantle and saw that it was nearly 7:00. The thought of seeing Bella put a smile on my face, and I heard Jasper snicker. I laughed as I glanced over at him. I just shrugged. Fuck yes, I was looking forward to seeing her.

Jasper was offering me another beer when I heard keys in the door and stood. Jasper stepped past me, meeting Alice, who led the way in, carrying bags that she dropped on the floor as she squealed and darted at Jasper. He laughed and swept her up, hugging her tightly and giving her a kiss. Seeing them so stupidly happy together helped something deep within me relax, and I turned my eyes eagerly toward Bella.

I grinned briefly when I saw she was wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt with the Xavier Institute logo on the chest. She really was too fucking perfect.

Her smile was quiet and happy, making me smile in response as I watched her carefully put her own bags on the ground. She straightened and took a deep breath, keeping her eyes on mine as she walked deliberately toward me. Her eyes cautioned me, and I stood still, not sure what she was doing but letting her do it in her own way.

My smile broadened when she reached me and slipped her arms around my waist, resting her cheek on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her as I kissed the top of her head. She glanced up at me and quietly said, "It's so good to see you. I missed you, Edward," before she squeezed my waist and returned her head to my chest with a contented sigh.

In that moment, I forgot everything – Jasper's jealousy and warnings, Alice's worries, my own frustrations…there was only me holding my Bella. The rest of the world could fucking wait…or burn, for all I cared. My right hand played idly with Bella's hair as I answered gently, "I missed you too, Bella. I'm glad you're here."

I heard Alice sigh softly, and I lifted my eyes to find Jasper and Alice standing side by side, each with an arm around the other's waist. They were watching us with genuine smiles, and I realized that Jasper's eyes actually looked a little red around the edges.

I tried to smirk at him, but all I could manage was a stupidly happy smile of my own.


	18. In the Garage

_**A/N: **__ Naturally I own nothing. _

_I just wanted to say again how much I really appreciate all of you reading! The reviews are absolutely fantastic, and I love reading each one._

_Good god, this chapter is hella long. I apologize? Unless you like it, and then…you're welcome?_

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**BPOV**

I idly swiveled in my desk chair as I looked down at the book in my hands, muttering the words while I tapped the page with my highlighter. I'd long ago discovered that I understood more when I read aloud to myself, though I usually tried to curb that habit unless I was alone.

I was sitting in my office with the door closed, rereading Joan Bennett's essay "The Love Poetry of John Donne." Alice was due to arrive within a half hour or so, and I was using the time to try to cram in a bit of research. I had read this particular article dozens of times, so my mind kept wandering. I tried to focus, looking for a specific passage one of my professors had recommended I read again, but when my eyes fell upon the lines:

_Then as an Angel, face and wings_

_Of air, not pure as it, yet pure doth wear, _

_So thy love may be my love's sphere_

…the book slipped into my lap, and I stared ahead, biting my bottom lip with what I'm sure was a silly smile.

The connection of Edward with "Air and Angels" in my mind had caused more than a few…pauses in my research. It seemed that anytime I came across the poem, I was suddenly lost in thoughts of him. I remembered his vibrant eyes, so soft and happy as they watched me…the way his lips formed that sexy little half-smile…his strong arms wrapped around me…and most of all, the way I was beginning to feel safe in those arms…

The knock on my door startled me, making me jump as my book hit the floor, and the door opened to reveal Alice. I bent over to retrieve my book, banging my head on the desk in my haste.

"Fucking A!" I burst out, sitting up with a wince as I rubbed my forehead, the book still on the floor. My eyes watered, and I blinked, trying to see Alice.

Her slight form looked wavy through the tears, and her expression was torn between amusement and concern. "Oh my god, Bella! Are you all right?" she asked, concern winning out as she walked over to check on me.

"Fine," I mumbled, closing my eyes tightly before I blinked a few times. When I focused again, Alice was standing in front of me, holding the book out. I took it with a muttered, "Thanks…"

Once she'd determined I really was okay, she grinned at me but didn't make any further comment. She did take a step back to frown at me, looking at my shirt critically. "You didn't _teach_ in that, did you?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to suppress my grin.

_Alice will be Alice_, I thought.

"Yes, Alice. I taught class today in an Xavier Institute t-shirt and blue jeans," I answered seriously. Alice looked at me shrewdly. Finally, she grinned and stuck her tongue out at me. I laughed and said, "No, I just changed for our shopping trip." I didn't add that I'd ordered this shirt last week because it reminded me of Edward.

Alice sighed and shook her head. I shrugged. No way was I walking around the mall in slacks and a button-down shirt.

Then she narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, looking a little more closely at my shirt. "Is that the X-Men again?"

I nodded.

"What _is_ it with you two and the X-Men? Seriously!" she muttered.

I frowned, not sure what she meant. When I looked at her curiously, she shook her head with a laugh. "Edward was wearing one this morning, too. Are you guys obsessed or something?"

Instead of answering, I just grinned and shook my head. _Edward was wearing an X-Men shirt too!_ It was seriously stupid how excited that little bit of information made me. A soft giggle escaped my lips as I stood and stretched before I threw my hair up into a low ponytail.

Alice arched an eyebrow, but all she said was, "So what did you need to get today?"

I blushed lightly in response and tried to hide it by turning off my lamp and dropping the book onto my desk. I busied myself around the office as I answered, packing my messenger bag and grabbing the clothes I'd actually taught in from the coat rack by the door. "Umm…well, I kind of wanted to get something new to wear for…tonight…"

I don't really know what I expected, but it wasn't Alice's response. She squealed and clapped her hands and immediately began discussing different stores and selections. I interrupted, telling her that I wasn't sure what we were doing, so I wanted to just keep it simple. With a wicked gleam in her eye, she told me that Edward had filled her in on where we were going, and that she knew just the thing.

I frowned a bit, pouting that Alice knew something I didn't, but she just grinned and said that Edward wanted it to be a surprise…and she knew I would love it. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out what she was so sure I would love. To be honest, the thought of a date was still scary as hell, and it was only when I remembered that it was _Edward_ I was going to be with that I was all right. I knew it was weird, but I still had an easier time just "hanging out" with Edward than "dating" Edward…even though there was, in truth, no difference. At least not with us.

How stupid could I be?

Regardless, it was just the way things were. Edward seemed to understand, though…or at least understand that the "date" part was a big deal to me. Of course, it seemed to be to him, too.

_Could you be more ridiculous?_

I grimaced at myself before I just shoved all the random musings to the side and turned to Alice after finally finishing up in my office. "Ready to go?" I asked.

She nodded, and I locked my door as we walked out together. We'd originally planned to meet at the mall, but I'd gotten a text from Alice about a change of plans. Jasper had driven her to class today, so we made our way to my truck. It was the first time Alice had ridden in it, and I noticed her eyeing it dubiously. Rosalie and I kept it in fantastic condition, and Rose had even had it painted for me a couple of years ago, so it really looked more like the classic '53 Chevy it was than the heap of rust it had been beforehand.

Still, it wasn't Alice's usual mode of transportation, and I grinned as I teased her while she climbed inside and tried to get comfortable. We spent the ride to the mall in easy conversation, and the time passed much more quickly than I expected. Before I knew it, we were parking.

When we entered the mall, Alice began leading me here and there, dragging me into stores and picking out clothes. I lost track of how many times Alice had thrust items into my arms and pointed me toward a dressing room with instructions to let her see how it looked. There were several things I would have vetoed, and a few I would have even been happy to buy, but each time, she tilted her head and studied me, then shook her head.

She seemed to have a definite picture in mind, and she wasn't going to let me get away with anything less than whatever her vision was.

So it was with a resigned sigh that I listened to yet another dressing room door click closed before I began dutifully stripping again. This particular cubicle had a three-way mirror, and out of habit, I kept my eyes away as I changed. The scars on my back had faded, but I always knew they were there, and they seemed to draw my eyes.

I pulled on the pants Alice had given me – she said they were trouser jeans – and looked in the mirror.

_Huh_.

I liked them. They were a bit more snug around the hips than I normally wore, and they seemed to have a little too much material as they flared around my legs, but they were comfortable, and the cut combined with the dark wash made them look a little more dressy than my normal jeans.

I picked up one of the sweaters Alice had chosen and pulled it over my head. I smoothed it over my hips and stepped back to study the effect. The sweater was thin and a light yellow with a high v-neck. Like the pants, it hugged a little more than the clothes I normally wore, but it didn't make me too uncomfortable. Not too bad.

I opened the door and stepped out. Alice's face broke into a wide smile as soon as she saw me, and she clapped her hands. "I love it!" she squealed.

She motioned for me to turn around, studying me with a critical eye. When I turned to face her again, she was frowning, and she stepped toward me with her hand outstretched. She touched the sleeve of the sweater and sighed.

"Damn it!" she swore.

I blinked and grinned. It never failed to amuse me when Alice cursed. "What's the matter, Tink?" I asked.

"This is wool!" she sighed.

I waited for the crisis.

"And…?" I asked when she didn't elaborate.

She rolled her eyes with another sigh. "Edward's allergic to wool…" she trailed off, cursing again.

For a brief second, I was confused about why this would matter. I mean…it was _my_ sweater, not his. Then I thought of why Edward would come into contact with my shirt, and I smiled quietly.

I bit my bottom lip, and I could feel a faint blush on my cheeks as I listened to Alice's instructions again. She was really upset that the sweater wouldn't work, and she sent me back in to try on some of the others.

My mind was in an Edward-induced haze as I searched through the stack of sweaters, finding a cream-colored cotton one. The world snapped back into focus as I looked in the mirror after putting it on.

It fit closely, revealing all the curves I normally hid. The neckline was far lower than I was used to wearing, leading to a row of six small buttons that held the cardigan closed. I approved of the simple design, and it was definitely comfortable, but I couldn't stop staring at the way it revealed my collarbones and a hint of cleavage.

I looked into the mirror, tilting my head as I studied the way I looked. I knew it was modest, really. God knows my students wore far more revealing things every day. But it had been years since I'd worn anything like this.

I felt my breathing start to speed, and terrifying visions skirted at the edge of my memory. I closed my eyes, firmly fixing Edward's face in my mind. I focused on him – remembering in minute detail the color of his eyes, the way he smelled, the unusual bronze shade of his hair, the strong, soft feeling of his hands.

I was aware that my own hands were balled into fists, and I was panting. But then…I realized I was coming back from the edge of my panic attack, and I opened my eyes, blinking at myself in the mirror. My breathing was returning to normal. I felt breathless as though I'd been running a great distance, but I also felt a strange high as I stopped my panic before it had fully started.

Thinking of Edward wasn't the fastest way to calm myself down, but I was determined to make it the best.

I smiled triumphantly at myself and looked at the sweater again. For the first time in…I didn't even really know how long…I took in my body and appreciated the way I looked. I'd been avoiding really looking at myself for so long that I was surprised to see that I really was…attractive. My obsessive running had kept me toned, and I knew the way my small waist flared into the curves of my hips and breasts would be appealing to some. _To Edward?_

I turned a few times, my eyes trained on my own body as I watched in disbelief.

_Wow._

As I was having my moment in the dressing room, I realized how different I really must be from the other girls Edward had…I guess you couldn't call it dating. Been with. I was sure none of _them_ kept themselves covered up. None of _them_ cowered involuntarily when he reached out to touch them.

I felt the all-too-familiar mood swing coming when one of my voices whispered, _But…_

_But what?_ I moped internally.

_But he chose _you_._

My eyes, which had drifted to the floor, looked back up at my reflection, and I watched the quiet smile spread slowly on my lips.

Yes. He chose me.

I didn't understand it – didn't think I ever would – but again and again, he chose to be with me.

I shook my head with a wider smile and resolved then that, provided the sweater received the Tinkerbell seal of approval, I would wear this tonight for Edward. He was so endlessly patient with me, and I wanted to give a little…meet him somewhere in the middle. I wasn't ready for much more, but this much I thought I could do for him.

I grinned at myself and stepped out of the dressing room to much celebration from Alice. She loved the sweater, loved the way it looked with the jeans, and loved even more that it was soft cotton and therefore appropriate for Edward.

I blushed thinking of touching Edward again…I really hoped I would be strong enough tonight. I thought I would be.

The sweater crisis averted, I went back into the dressing room and quickly changed into my own clothes. We walked to the counter, Alice eyeing the jewelry before I firmly told her no. I didn't really have anything against it…I just thought it was an unnecessary waste of money. Why buy myself jewelry when I could buy a new game?

As we were leaving the store, Alice glanced at me with a calculating gleam in her eyes.

_Shit._

"Bella…" she smiled at me sweetly.

_Fuck._

"What, Tinkerbell?" I tried to make my voice flat, but I sounded more wary.

She stopped walking, and I walked a step or two more before I stopped and turned, looking down at her. Though she was only a few inches shorter than me, she always seemed to make it work to her advantage when she wanted to look pitiful. Her face was downcast, her gray eyes huge and peering up at me imploringly. Her lips were arranged in a sad little pout, and I groaned internally.

_Not the devastated pixie look._

She only did that when she knew I was really going to hate whatever she suggested. I sighed, already half-resigned.

"Bella…will you _please_ get a manicure with me? It won't be bad, I promise!" she begged.

I grimaced. "Ugh…no. I don't want anyone messing with my fingernails."

"What about your toenails?" she countered quickly.

I blinked at her. "My toenails?"

Alice giggled at my expression. "Yes, your toenails…come on, Bella! Please? All you have to do is sit there in a massage chair with your feet soaking in a warm bath. How bad can it be?" she asked, her wide eyes far too innocent.

I narrowed my eyes at her, but part of me felt like grinning. _What the hell?_

I shrugged and said, "All right, I'll do it."

With pleasure, I watched her eyes bug out as her mouth snapped closed. She was obviously about to launch into her next argument – or round of pouting. She wasn't expecting me to agree so easily.

She finally laughed and shook her head, then linked her arm through mine and started us walking again. She chattered as we worked our way through the mall, and I felt oddly happy. It was kind of nice just being out with Alice, talking about nothing in particular. I'd forgotten how it felt to have a girl friend.

I was confused when she led us to the food court. I glanced at the huge clock on the wall and realized it was after 4:00 already. "Edward said not to eat dinner…"

"I know," she grinned, "but trust me…you should have a snack." How cryptic.

I frowned but didn't bother asking. I knew Alice well enough to know she wouldn't be revealing shit about my date tonight.

_My date._ I didn't know if I should squeal or throw up.

Instead of doing either, I shrugged, looking around at the different stands before wandering over to the Greek counter. Alice and I decided to split a chicken souvlaki wrap, so we took it and our drinks to a small, round table in a corner of the crowded food court. I sat with my back to the half-wall, trying to calm the edge of nervousness brought about by making my way through the milling bodies. I really hated crowds.

All of the activity kept me from really focusing on conversation with Alice, so we ate our snack in relative silence. I vaguely noticed her looking at me with concern occasionally, but I was too absorbed in trying to keep an eye on what was going on around me to really pay attention.

Once we finished, we tossed our trash and walked away from the crowd. I immediately felt a little better, though my anxiety returned when we reached the escalator. I kept my mind blank, simply stepping on while I watched my feet. I was surprised when I felt Alice's hand slip into mine. She squeezed gently, and I glanced over at her with a small smile.

Alice really was okay.

When we reached the bottom, she once again linked her arm with mine as she steered us to the nail salon. I snorted as we approached. Me…Bella Swan…in a nail salon. It was just too funny. I actually laughed as I imagined the look on Jasper's face.

Grinning, Alice just shook her head at me and led me inside. She spoke briefly to one of the ladies at the counter, and soon we were settled into comfortable leather chairs with warmed seats. I played with the controls of my chair, finding the most relaxing setting, and sat back. The woman who was going to be doing my toenails finished filling the basin at my feet and turned the legs of my jeans up to my knees. My giggle at my high-water look turned into a soft sigh as my feet settled into the steaming water.

_Okay, this is really fucking nice…_

My eyes closed involuntarily, and I bit my bottom lip. I heard Alice giggle quietly beside me, and I glanced over at her, lazily opening my eyes.

"See? I told you it'd be okay…" she teased. I grinned at her stupidly.

"Yeah, you're right…not so bad," I finally answered.

We sat quietly for a minute before one of the ladies brought over a tray filled with nail polishes. I blinked and glanced over at Alice. She smiled back at me and instructed, "She'll have…Time-less is More…" I watched as Alice studied the colors. "And I'll take Kiss on the Chic."

My grin was amused, and Alice shrugged.

As the ladies worked on our feet, we talked about school. Alice's classes were going well, for the most part, but she was having a little trouble in one, and Jasper was going to be helping her tonight so she could get it out of the way before the holiday. I tried to pay attention, but I kept giggling uncontrollably whenever the technician accidentally tickled my feet as she scrubbed them with a pumice stone. Alice was laughing with me, throwing in questions about my classes and my thesis. Eventually, the conversation turned to next week when Alice asked when Rosalie was arriving.

"I think she's supposed to be here Sunday morning, a little bit before the guys get here. Jasper knows better than I do though," I frowned, and I heard the petulance slipping into my voice. Somehow, I kept missing Rosalie's phone calls, and it had been ages since I talked to her. I was really looking forward to spending a few days with her and my boys.

At the same time, part of me was pouting internally that it would take away some of the time I had been spending with Edward.

With that thought, something suddenly occurred to me. "Hey…what are you and Edward doing for Thanksgiving?" How the _fuck_ had I not thought about this before? I guess I'd been too absorbed in everything that was going on and the fact that the guys and Rose were coming into town that I hadn't put it all together.

"Well Friday, we'll be flying out to Chicago to see our parents…Dad won't really be around before then because he'll be at the hospital, so Mom always volunteers at the soup kitchen. And I'm going to be going with you guys to the Hales' on Thursday," Alice answered.

I frowned. Everything was silent for a moment besides the murmuring of other voices and the splashes made by the water at our feet.

Alice's quiet voice said, "I can stay home if you'd rather, Bella."

"What?" I asked vaguely.

"I don't have to go to Jasper's for Thanksgiving. I can stay home." I finally looked at Alice and realized she looked so…sad. It took me a minute to get it.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be stupid, Tink," I said. "Of course you should be there. It wouldn't be the same without you. I was just…" I trailed off, biting my bottom lip.

With a sigh, I said, "I was just upset because I didn't think to ask Edward. I don't want him to be all alone. Do you think…he'd like to go with us?"

"I know he'd love to go, Bella, but he'd never ask. He wouldn't pass up the chance to be with you," Alice answered softly.

I blushed as I asked, "Really?"

Alice laughed softly. "Yes, really…" She looked over at me thoughtfully for a long moment. "Bella…don't you know how much Edward cares about you?"

I made a face. I wanted, more than anything, to believe everything Edward told me. To really feel like it was all true – he liked me and cared about me and wanted to be with me. It was just so damn hard to let myself believe it though. _Really_ believe it.

Alice shook her head, grinning at me. "Trust me. I've known Edward all my life. He's never looked at anyone the way he looks at you." She said the words so simply that it sounded so…reasonable. So logical.

I sighed.

She just shook her head at me with a quiet smile. "You'll get it," she said with confidence.

I arched an eyebrow at her, and she giggled at me. Just then, the lady working on my feet began pushing back the cuticles, snipping them off, and I jumped, barely containing my curse when she startled me. Alice laughed and teased me; then she began asking more questions about the guys, prompting me to tell various stories of the things we'd done over the years.

I explained that Jacob's dad was my dad's best friend, so we'd met when we were young. Several of the guys were Jake's friends from the reservation, and others – like Felix and Alex – went to Forks High with Jasper and me. I'd actually had a crush on Alex when he and Jane moved to Forks during our freshman year, which is why I invited him to play with us when I found out he liked D&D. Jane, unfortunately, had been part of the package.

Alice glanced at me when I mentioned Jane. By now, the technicians had moved on to actually painting our toenails, but I was hardly paying any attention to them. The look on Alice's face was curious and…apprehensive.

_That's weird._

"Bella?" she asked.

"What's up, Alice?" I answered. Her eyes widened. I rarely called her by her actual name unless I was being sarcastic…or serious.

She chewed lightly on the inside of her cheek before she gave a small smile. "Umm…I know Jasper never…never _slept_ with Jane. But he said they did…other things…" she frowned, and I grimaced. "I was just wondering if…well…do you think he still cares about her?"

Without even a thought, I laughed. I know it was wrong…I should've been more sensitive toward Alice, but fucking hell – Jasper _care_ about Jane? It was too ridiculous to even consider.

I worked to compose myself, struggling for a more serious expression as Alice's face fell into a pout. I frowned when I saw the look on her face, and I reached out to squeeze her hand. "Alice…trust me. Jasper has no feelings for Jane whatsoever. They were…" I trailed off, wondering how, exactly, to say "sluts together" without making it sound even worse than it was. What else do you call two people who just fooled around every chance they got without ever meaning anything to each other at all? Jane had worked her way through most of the group like that at various times.

Deciding to try again, I said, "Look, Jane is…" _Bleh._ I sighed. "She's not so bad, really. She just annoys me because she's only around because of the guys. There's a difference between a girl who actually _likes_ to game, and a girl who uses it for the captive audience, so to speak. Over the years, she's come onto all the guys, and – honestly – she's had her way with most of them. Jared never gave her the time of day, and Felix shut her down before she even really got to try. But, well…Jasper wasn't dating anyone, and they sort of messed around for a little while. But he was never into Jane. Ever." Just the thought made me shudder.

The apprehensive look on Alice's face was still there, and suddenly it hit me – Alice was insecure about this, just like I was about the way Edward felt. It was so…_ludicrous_. I could read the love and absolute adoration so clearly on Jasper's face whenever he so much as thought of Alice. How the fuck could she ever doubt that Jasper was completely in love with her?

I smiled at her. "Alice," I said, "Jasper has _never_ loved anyone like he loves you. Do you know he fucking _cleans_ now? And he sings…and he's stupid and silly, and he's so in love it's ridiculous. I've known him for sixteen years, and I've never seen him act like this – not even close."

Alice listened quietly as I talked, finally looking down and blushing lightly. When she looked back up, her eyes were happy once again. I could tell that she already knew what I'd told her, but she just needed that reassurance, I guess, in the face of Jane coming into town. I didn't even want to imagine the effect meeting one of Edward's former…girls would have on me. Of course, Alice was awesome and happy and able to touch Jasper…there were so many differences between us. She really had no reason to worry.

"Thanks Bella," she said quietly. I just smiled at her and shook my head. How silly.

Conversation picked up again then. We talked some more about the guys, and I filled her in on the major points. Talking about them made me realize how much I really missed them, and it seemed like Sunday couldn't come fast enough.

In the middle of all of this, the technicians finished their work on our feet, and I looked down to see that my toenails…sparkled. Alice had chosen a shade of white with a shimmer for my color, and it made me giggle to see my toes all dressed up. I saw that she'd chosen a soft pink for herself.

We stood up, and I realized that my legs felt a little weak from sitting in one position for so long. Someone was messing with my feet again, and I looked down to see the technician lifting my leg to slip some weird little thin flip flops on my feet. Alice laughed at my expression and explained that we couldn't put our shoes back on yet because we'd smudge our nail polish.

Oh, of course. Why didn't I think of that?

I laughed, rolling my eyes as I looked down at myself. My toenails sparkled against my lime green flip flops, while the blinding white skin of my legs was revealed by the pants pulled up to my knees. Lovely.

Leaning over, I pushed my pants legs down and picked up my shoes and socks. Alice took the clear bag offered by the technician, and we dropped our shoes inside. I tried to pay for my pedicure, but Alice wouldn't let me, saying she was just happy I'd kept her company.

As we shuffled our way back into the mall, she told me she wanted to get a gift for Jasper, but she wasn't really sure what to get him.

"I want to buy him a game, but I don't really know what he has already," she explained. "Can you think of anything?"

"_Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia_," I answered without thought. He'd been whining about needing to buy it for nearly a month, but he hated to spend money on himself. His complaints had mostly been hints to try to get me to buy it for him. If Alice didn't get it now, I'd pick it up for one of his Christmas gifts.

Alice arched an eyebrow at me curiously, and I said, "It's a DS game…he's played all the other Castlevanias. This is supposed to be one of the best. He likes killing vampires." I shrugged. Jasper snuck his DS into work and hung out in his office, playing when he wasn't meeting students.

She giggled and shook her head, asking me more about the game as we walked toward Gamestop. I helped her find the one I meant, and she decided to buy the guide as well. I grinned at that – Jasper hated to admit he ever needed one, but he always bought it eventually because he couldn't stand the thought that he might be missing something.

When we were ready to go, Alice decided our toes had dried enough, so we sat down on a bench to put our regular shoes on. We tossed the strange little ugly flip flops into the trash and made our way to my car, talking about the guys again.

As we merged with traffic, I was telling her the story of Jared and Kim. He had always been a little shy, so while he'd thought Kim was pretty, he'd barely noticed her beyond that – he would've been too scared to ask her out anyway. At the time, they had been seniors in high school. When a girls' choice dance had come up, Kim had surprised him by asking him to go. I don't think he ever would have had the nerve to make the first move, but by the time that dance had come and gone, they'd been inseparable.

"So it's kind of weird," I said, "Jared was always the shy, quiet one, but he's actually the first of us to be engaged. They're getting married this summer, right after they both graduate from college."

After driving for awhile, the conversation turned to Felix, and I had to smile. "Felix is a great guy," I began. "I still don't quite get why he hangs out with us…"

I explained that he was a jock, and I met him when I was a sophomore. He'd been a senior, and we both had the same English teacher. Mr. Mason knew I was bored with the curriculum, having read and reread each of the novels we were assigned, so he asked if I'd like to earn credit for the class by tutoring some of the seniors who needed help with their final papers. I'd said sure, so I spent several hours a week during my English class meeting individually with three different seniors, all of whom were members of the football team.

The first two were used to having things done for them and got really pissed off when I wouldn't just write the paper. I was annoyed by their attitudes, and I was beginning to wonder if I'd made a mistake – slogging through another reread of _Great Expectations _had to be better than this. On the third day, though, I'd met Felix. He was easily the biggest guy I'd ever seen in real life. I'd noticed him on campus and vaguely thought he was cute, but he was most definitely not my type.

I knew I had a chip on my shoulder when he sat down and searched through his backpack, pulling out a collection of rumpled papers. I sighed.

He looked up at me and said bluntly, "I'm not some dumb jock. I know my shit. I just want some help with the editing."

I blinked at him and then laughed. He cracked a smile, and we started talking freely. I'd been surprised to see that his ideas were actually pretty insightful. His writing was a little painful and dry, but we worked on that. He took suggestions easily, and he made everything his own, refusing to let me actually do anything _for_ him.

We were talking one day when he learned I played D&D, and he asked what it was all about. I'd invited him over, he met the other guys, and just like that, he was part of our group. He'd never felt the urge to play, so he just came over while we played, and he hung out on the couch, eating pizza and cracking jokes.

I explained to Alice that he'd always been protective. During my sophomore year, I'd gone on dates with a few guys, and Felix had interrogated each of them. Around Christmas, I had started dating my first - and really only – boyfriend, Garrett. Felix had been just as relentless with him until he finally determined that Garrett was a good guy. He'd backed off some, but he still called me often to make sure I was being treated well.

As always, my mind skirted away from thoughts of Garrett. Memories of him were happy ones, but it reminded me far too closely of a time I wanted to forget completely.

Alice must've put the timeframe together in her head because she didn't ask about Garrett, even though I knew it was the sort of thing she'd be most curious about. Instead, she asked me to tell her more about D&D, and I let my mind wander as I explained it to her.

I was so busy answering Alice's questions that we were pulling into the parking lot at my apartment before I knew it. At once, my stomach clenched with a nervous excitement, and I reflexively picked up my phone to look at the time.

7:03

"You know, for someone who hates for people to be late, you sure do make me late to meet Edward a lot," I teased her.

She stuck her tongue out at me. "I'm quite sure Edward will have no complaints when he sees you in that sweater," she answered.

My eyes widened.

_Shit! Edward's going to see me in that sweater._

_Umm..yeah, dumbass. That was the point?_

_Fuck._

Suddenly, I was extremely unsure about the clothes I'd bought, and I considered just wearing something from my closet. It had been so long since I'd worn anything so…revealing. I wanted to look good for Edward, but I was a little worried about how I'd react if I saw him…looking. At the same time, I wanted so badly to be desirable for him.

_I want him to want me._

One of my voices started humming, and I snorted, my anxiety lifting a bit. Alice looked at me with a bemused expression, but I just shook my head, turning off the truck as I opened the door. "You don't want to know…" I said with a smirk, retrieving my bags from the floor between us.

Alice gave a small giggle as she grabbed her own bags and slammed the truck door. She was chattering as we walked, but I didn't hear any of it. My ears were roaring with the sound of my own pulse as I followed slightly behind her. When we reached the door, I mechanically unlocked it. She pushed it open and went inside, dropping her bags and squealing before she ran to Jasper.

I noticed them hug out of the corner of my eye, but my gaze was focused on Edward. He was watching Alice and Jasper with a sweet smile on his face. I wanted to make him smile like that.

I saw longing written on his face as well, and I wanted so badly to give him what he wanted. I stood there watching him for a moment longer. He turned to look at me, and I saw him grin when he realized what was on my shirt. It always made me happy to realize that he really did like the things I liked – he wasn't just acting or trying to make me feel better.

I smiled softly at him. He was just so…wonderful. So perfect. I remembered the feeling of his arms around me the night before, and I wanted to feel that again. Even though it had been scary at times, it had also been…fantastic – unlike anything I'd felt before. I carefully put my bags on the ground, taking a deep breath as I worked through what I was about to do.

Last night's leap had been so spontaneous. I hadn't even fully realized what I was doing. In many ways, this was harder. This wasn't an emotional response – it was a choice. Edward would find no fault with me if I just walked over and took his hand. But that wasn't what I wanted.

The few steps it took to reach him seemed interminably long. I was relieved to see he stood still, only his eyes moving as he watched me with that quiet smile. I inhaled as I neared him, searching for that fragrance of vanilla and sandalwood that was becoming my sanctuary. I found it just as I reached him, and I smiled quietly, closing my eyes as I slipped my arms around his waist. I pressed my cheek against his chest and relaxed, letting his scent calm my nerves.

I felt his strong arms wrap around me as he kissed the top of my head, and I focused only on the good – how warm he felt, how gentle he was with me, how happy he made me feel. I looked up at him as I said, "It's so good to see you. I missed you, Edward."

It was the simple truth.

I hugged him close and returned my head to his chest as I heard him softly answer, "I missed you too, Bella. I'm glad you're here," while his hand played with my hair. I heard Alice sigh behind us, but I didn't want to interrupt this moment with Edward. All was quiet as we held each other for awhile longer.

Finally, I sighed softly in contentment and looked up at him with a smile as I pulled away. "Sorry I'm late," I said. "Blame Tinkerbell." A beat later, we both realized the echo of our first meeting, and we laughed together. I heard Alice and Jasper laugh as well, but I didn't turn to look at them.

He whispered, "You know I'd wait forever for you, Bella," as he gently caressed my cheek, making me melt. I smiled at him.

"I guess I better go get ready," I said, glancing at the clock on the mantle. I moved toward my bags, but Edward beat me there, picking them up.

"Did you want these in your room?" he asked.

I bit my bottom lip, nodding as I grinned. He smiled at me and winked as he walked past. I followed him and opened the door when he paused outside my bedroom. Edward had never seen it, and I realized too late that I'd left it in a bit of a mess this morning.

_Oh, well._

I opened the door for him, and he stepped inside, his eyes sweeping around as he placed the bags on the floor near the door. I followed his gaze to the comic books strewn around my recliner and shrugged with a giggle. "I wasn't a very good student this morning. I was supposed to be studying," I explained.

Edward just turned back to me and smiled. He placed his hand beneath my chin, tracing my lower lip with his thumb. Just then, we heard the rattle of a bag from the living room, and Jasper's voice called out, "Excellent! Thank you!" Alice giggled.

We laughed together, and then Edward said, "I'll go wait with Jasper."

Alice entered the room seconds after he left, a determined gleam in her eyes. _Uh oh._

"Come on, Bella!" she said. "We have to hurry!"

She picked up the bags and dumped everything on the bed. She began cutting tags and handing the clothes to me while I quickly changed. Before long, I was standing in the trouser jeans and cream sweater in front of my mirror in the bathroom. Alice wet a brush under the faucet and told me to sit on the edge of the tub.

She pulled my hair from its ponytail and brushed it, leaving it damp, and then she began using my hair dryer, brushing constantly, much as she'd done the night I'd first met Edward. For once, she wasn't talking, so intent was she on her task. When she finished, she clicked off the dryer and smiled down at me.

"Are you going to wear any make up?" she asked. I made a face at her and shook my head.

She sighed. "Bella…you look so pretty with just a little mascara and lip gloss. Come on…please?"

I frowned. I wanted to look nice for Edward…I thought he might like that. In the end, it was Alice who decided for me – she left it up to me, not begging, and I decided that I wanted to make her happy too. I wondered if she'd figured that out about me. She was definitely tricksy enough for it.

I let her put a little bit of mascara and a thin coat of lip gloss on, and then I stood so she could make all the required Alice adjustments. When she decided I was ready, she let me look in the mirror. My gaze was immediately drawn to my eyes, which made me glad I'd let Alice put on the mascara. My lips still looked vaguely obscene to me, and I tried to imagine what Edward would think of them.

I took a deep breath and let my eyes wander lower. They widened as I saw the expanse of skin revealed above the neckline, and I wondered if somehow I'd gotten the wrong size. There seemed to be more showing than there was in the dressing room. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember that this was for Edward. I'd be with him. I'd be safe.

I opened my eyes to find Alice smiling at me in the mirror. I gave her a rueful grin and turned away, going into my room. She waited until I was sitting on my bed facing her and then followed. She came over and hugged me gently as she whispered, "You look fantastic." Then she raised her voice and said, "I'm going to go tell the guys you're almost ready…that way you can make an entrance." She grinned at me and left, closing the door behind her.

Like I would want to make an entrance. How ridiculous.

I slowly put on my socks and shoes, meticulously tying the laces. I imagined Edward's possible reactions, and I bit my bottom lip, wondering what I'd see on his face.

Finally, I could stall no longer, so I stood up and smoothed my sweater, brushing my hair back over my shoulders as I walked to the door. I waited there briefly, my hand on the knob as I took a deep breath.

I followed the sound of Edward's laughter to the living room, where I found him sitting on the loveseat talking to Jasper and Alice. Just like that first night, the grin faded from his face when he saw me, only to be replaced by a slow smile that lit up his eyes. I watched him stand and hold out his hand, so I walked to him, slipping my hand in his.

"You look beautiful," he said quietly, leaving no room for misinterpretation this time. We stood looking at each other for an immeasurable moment. I vaguely noticed he was wearing jeans and a green henley that clung to him in extremely appealing ways. I smiled at him, feeling the blush on my cheeks, as I noticed that he glanced down as well. He didn't leer, but the way he looked at me, smiling gently, left me feeling like he appreciated what he saw without making me want to run into my room to cover up.

_Could he be any more perfect?_

All I heard were quiet sighs.

Edward smiled and squeezed my hand as he said, "So…are you ready to go?"

My blush deepened as I realized I had been unabashedly staring at him with Jasper and Alice in the room. Oh, well.

I nodded in response, prompting Jasper and Alice to stand from their places on the couch. Alice came over to hug me as Jasper said goodbye to Edward, and then we switched – Alice hugging Edward and whispering something to him while I hugged Jasper.

"Hey," I said, "Don't forget to tell Jake to remind the guild tonight that we're not raiding next week. This will be the last one until next Sunday."

Jasper nodded as Alice returned to him, and he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, smiling at us over her head. I went to the closet and grabbed my coat, but before I could put it on, Edward was standing beside me with his hands out. I gave it to him, smiling as he helped me put it on.

We called out our final goodbyes, and Edward led the way outside. I locked the door and dropped the keys into my coat pocket before taking his hand.

"You're not raiding next week?" Edward asked as we walked to his car.

I shook my head, explaining that we usually took a break around holidays because it was too stressful to try to get people there. Our conversation flowed easily as Edward drove us through the streets of Seattle. We talked about raiding and my day with Alice, and I found I couldn't stop looking at him as he spoke. I didn't often see his profile, so I was absorbed in his strong jaw and the striking shape of his nose and lips. Edward glanced over at me often, and his lips seemed to involuntarily form into a smile each time.

I hadn't been paying any attention to where we were going, so I was a little confused when we stopped, and I glanced out the window. It was misting again, combining with the dark to make it difficult to see clearly, but I was very sure I knew where we were.

"Ready to look at some comics?" he asked, pulling my gaze away from the window and back to him. He was grinning.

_This dating thing really isn't so bad_.

"Absolutely!" I grinned in response.

I started to open my door, but he put his hand on my knee and said, "Wait here…"

With my eyes wide, I watched him get out, grabbing an umbrella. He walked around the car while my gaze focused on my knee, where I could feel the lingering heat from his hand. I tried to work through if I was bothered or not…and decided that since I didn't know, I wasn't.

_Logic for the win._

_Idiot._

I jumped slightly when my door opened, and then Edward was there, holding out his hand. The umbrella was positioned over the opened door, keeping most of the mist off of me as I got out. I smiled at him, and he closed the door, then slipped his arm around my waist, holding me close to him as we walked.

This was definitely new. We'd never walked quite so close to each other.

It was heaven.

The Secret Fortress was located in an old warehouse, so we had to walk up a few concrete steps to reach the door. We walked under the overhang, and Edward's jaw tightened a bit as he closed the umbrella. He opened the door and walked through, turning around to hold it for me. I heard Greg's gruff voice call out, "Edward! Hey man!"

_Huh_.

It seems we frequented the same comic shop as well as the same gym. Well, okay, I didn't frequent the gym…but I belonged to it.

All of this passed through my mind in the few seconds it took to follow behind Edward, greeted by my own, "Hey Bella! Great to see you!" as I came through the door.

I glanced up at Edward with a smile and found he was smiling back down at me. He put his arm back around my waist before he answered the shop owner. "Hey Greg…it's good to see you, man."

Greg's eyes were huge as he took in the sight of the two of us. I sighed.

"I was going to introduce you two, but I guess you sort of know each other, huh?" he said with a grin and a speculative look in his eyes.

_Fuck._

Greg knew I didn't date…he'd asked me out a couple of times years ago before he got it. He was generally a good guy, though, and he didn't say anything more about it. He just smiled at me and said, "Hey, Bells, we just got _Martial Power_ in. You know Rosalie will want that." He nodded his head toward the back wall, where the Dungeons and Dragons manuals were kept.

I grinned and thanked him before I looked up at Edward.

"Go ahead," he said softly. "I want you to do whatever you want to do. I'm just here to be with you."

I took his hand and smiled at him softly. "You're wonderful," I said honestly.

He looked surprised, and he blushed faintly, ducking his head.

_God, he's so fucking cute._

I bit my bottom lip, wanting so badly to just kiss him. Just a little kiss on the cheek. But I was weak and scared. Instead, I squeezed his hand and said, "Be right back," as I made my way to the back of the store.

I intended to grab the manual quickly and make my way back to Edward, but I found a few other books I'd not seen yet. I took one off the shelf and flipped through it, trying to decide if it was worth buying or not. Before I knew it, I was leaning against the wall, absorbed in a passage on dragonkin kobolds. I was muttering aloud to myself as I read, and then I saw Edward's feet just at the edge of my field of vision.

Blushing, I looked up with a sheepish grin. "Oh, sorry…I umm…well, it's dangerous to let me loose around D&D. I get distracted."

He smiled and shook his head. "Don't apologize," he said. "I told you. I want you to do whatever makes you happy tonight. So what's that you're reading?"

"_Draconomicon,_" I answered, closing the book with my finger marking my place and holding it up to show him the cover. "It's about all the different kinds of dragons…" I let the book fall open again to the section I was reading. "I was reading about dragonkin kobolds." I showed him and then shrugged, closing the book with a grin and putting it back on the shelf.

He chuckled. "What the hell are dragonkin kobolds?" he asked.

"Well, kobolds are umm…small, scaly humanoids with doglike heads and red eyes," I grinned. "They love dragons, and apparently dragonkin kobolds sort of worship them and are bound to a master by a scale on their chest." I shrugged. "They're basically just easy creatures for PCs to kill."

"PCs?" he asked, and I found myself explaining the basics of D&D for the second time that day. I pulled down a _Player's Handbook_ and showed Edward a few of the charts and things I was talking about, and he nodded as he listened. Just like everything else, he seemed genuinely interested, asking questions for clarification. He caught on quickly, and I drug him to the counter to show him the collection of polyhedral dice.

"Those are pretty cool," he said, pointing to a set of metallic silver dice.

I smiled and nodded, noticing a set of marbled dice I knew I'd be buying. They were green shot through with swirls of bronze, and they reminded me intensely of the hair and eyes of the beautiful man standing beside me.

I opened the little drawers and motioned to the dice, instructing Edward to roll them. He looked at me curiously, so I explained our superstitions about dice and that he needed to pick out the ones that liked him. He grinned in amusement, but he started rolling anyway.

"So why do I need dice?" he asked as the pile of dice he'd chosen was nearly complete. I'd pulled out some of the bronze-and-green ones and had been rolling them as well, making my own pile.

"Well, umm…I thought if you want, you can play with us while the guys are here?" I said, my eyes following the motion of the D20 I was testing. "Or you can help me DM, if you want…either way, owning dice is never a bad thing," I teased.

"Sounds like fun," he answered, still rolling his dice. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, noticing the playful smile on his face. I grinned and raised my head to look at him fully. He stopped rolling and straightened, looking at me with a smile that softened. He raised his hand and ran the backs of his fingers along my cheek, whispering, "I think I'm done with the dice."

I stared at him for a moment before I realized what he said. Then I blushed and looked down, noticing the different piles. "Oh, me too," I said, and we began putting back the ones we'd decided against. I double-checked Edward's pile, making sure he had the ones he needed while carefully not touching them. He noticed me leaning over with my hands behind my back and laughed softly.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm the DM," I said matter-of-factly. "It's bad luck for me to touch your dice." I shrugged.

He chuckled and shook his head, taking my hand. He raised it and gently kissed my knuckles as he said, "You're so cute."

I blushed as I bit my bottom lip and smiled at him.

_I'll have to remember to be a superstitious D&D geek more often._

_Seriously…_

_Who knew?_

"Hey, Greg?" I called out. "We're going to leave these dice on the counter…we're buying them." He nodded and waved from the other end of the counter where he standing with the phone on his shoulder as he flipped through a box of comics for a customer.

I turned and looked up at Edward. "So what do _you_ like to look at here?" I asked, my eyebrow raised. I wanted to know what brought him here, too.

"_Avengers, X-Men, _and _Batman_, mostly," he answered promptly with a smile, nodding toward the left wall. "I read other random stuff that catches my eye, but those are the standards. Though lately, I've been reading more _Spider-Man_ for some reason." A playful smirk danced on his lips as he looked down at me, and I felt myself smile in response.

"I wonder why that is…" I teased, surprising both of us.

"I'm trying to impress this girl I like," he responded, winking at me.

_Fucking hell._

"It's working," I said quietly with my trademark blush.

He smiled at me softly, and I noticed his gaze lingering on my lips for a moment. Finally, he said, "Shall we?" I nodded and followed behind in a bit of a daze as he walked to the shelves. I busied myself with looking through the newer _Avengers_ series while he looked for the _X-Men_ he wanted.

I was examining the cover of one of _The Mighty Avengers_ issues when I felt Edward's pinkie slip into mine. I smiled softly and cut my eyes at him. He wasn't looking at me, just studying the comic in his other hand with a quiet smile on his face. I don't know why, exactly, but I loved that he did that rather than just hold my hand. Playing along, I caressed his pinkie with mine, keeping my eyes on the cover in front of me. We stood that way for a long time, looking at comics and holding pinkies.

It was awesome.

After awhile, Edward said, "I think I'm set…what about you?"

"I'm good," I answered as I picked up the one issue of _Civil War_ I was missing. I turned to see he was holding five or six comics, and I had to smile at the look on his face. He really did love this stuff.

_So fucking adorable._

We were walking back to the counter, our pinkies still linked, when I remembered the manual I'd left on the back wall. "Oh, damn…let me go grab that _Martial Power_…"

Edward took the _Civil War_ issue from my hand and nodded. Even though I went quickly to retrieve the book and bring it back, everything had already been bagged up by the time I returned. Edward had told Greg to add the book I was holding, and he'd paid for all of it. I really wasn't sure how I felt about that, but it seemed to make him happy, so I went with it.

Then I noticed the dice still sitting on the counter. "We forgot something," I said as I nodded toward them. "And I'm buying these," I added.

Edward frowned. "Why?"

"Consider it your welcome gift," I answered.

He grinned. "What am I being welcomed into?"

"Geekdom," I answered. "You have officially arrived when you own a twenty-sided die."

He laughed as Greg dumped the dice into two small dice bags I picked out. Then Edward leaned closer to me, whispering, "If I'd known geeks were like you, I would've gone looking there a long time ago…"

I blushed and felt myself lean towards him, my shoulder brushing against his chest. I tentatively slipped my arm around his waist and tilted my face up, looking at him. We were turned halfway toward each other, and he wrapped his arm around my waist as well, the other hand resting on my hip. I didn't realize we'd gotten lost in each other again until Greg rattled a plastic bag and cleared his throat, dropping the bag on the counter.

Pulling away, I got my wallet out of my coat and paid for the dice, dropping the small bag into the bigger one with the books. We waved to Greg and left as he was getting ready to lock up. It was raining harder outside, so Edward opened the umbrella again as we walked back to his car. He made sure I was safely inside first, and then went around to join me.

As he slid into the driver's seat and turned to put the umbrella in the back floorboard, I said softly, "Thank you, Edward."

He smiled at me. "What's that for?" he asked.

I shrugged. "That was just a lot of fun. I'm glad I got to see you in there."

"In that case…thank you, too," he answered with a small smile as he started the car and began to back out.

Our conversation flowed easily as he drove. I wasn't surprised any more that it was so easy to talk to him. What did still surprise me, though, was the way there seemed to be some sort of…tension between us. It wasn't a bad kind of tension. The opposite, in fact. It was as if there were some sort of charge between us all the time…it was what kept drawing us into those strange, wonderful moments where we forgot the rest of the world existed.

Sitting in the darkened car with him, it was stronger than ever.

I could see his lips in the glow of the dashboard moving as he spoke, and the sight created a yearning deep within me.

_I want to kiss him._

It was the second time tonight I'd had the thought. I tore my eyes away, looking out the windshield.

Luckily, the drive was short, and soon we were parking at Public Market Center. Edward again opened my door, though this time the umbrella wasn't necessary as the sky had cleared. We walked through the marketplace, his arm around my waist again. I was happy to realize that I felt safe that way, walking beside him. Rather than making me nervous, the feeling of his arm pressed against my back was a comfort, and I slipped my own arm around his waist, prompting him to smile down at me.

He steered us toward Matt's, and while I'd never been there, I knew of its reputation for serving fresh foods from the market and generally being fantastic. A lot of my students raved about it, and I wondered briefly if it would be ridiculously crowded.

That particular worry was forgotten when Edward led me to a stairway, explaining that the restaurant was on the top floor. The stairwell was narrow, so he let me go, leading the way up. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply before I opened them and focused my eyes on Edward's back.

_See? Nothing to worry about. This is Edward._

I repeated that to myself as I followed him, and I felt relieved when we reached the top and Edward turned back to offer me his hand.

When we walked in, it was nothing at all like I'd expected. The restaurant was tiny but absolutely beautiful with walls lined with large half-moon windows. The windows looked down upon the lit marketplace below with a beautiful view of the stars glinting off Elliot Bay in the distance. Each table was filled except for one in the corner near one of the windows. Edward spoke briefly to the maitre d', who led us to the empty table. He again helped me with my chair, and I smiled as I thought of what Mama Hale would think of him.

That reminded me of what I needed to ask him, and I was slightly nervous as we gave our drink orders to the waiter. I was distracted, though, as Edward grinned when I ordered a beer.

"What is it?" I asked when the waiter left.

"You…" he answered, and I arched an eyebrow at him. "I love that you're just always you, no matter what. It's very refreshing." He shrugged, and I blushed as I smiled at him.

"Who else would I be?" I wondered.

"You'd be surprised how some people act on a first date…" he said.

I bit my bottom lip, grinning at him as I realized that he was right. This _was_ our first date. And I hadn't remembered to be nervous once, not since we got into his car. He was just so damn relaxing…I loved being with him.

"I just really like being with you," I told him. He should know that.

"And speaking of…" I continued. He looked at me curiously. "Would you umm…would you like to go with me to the Hales' for Thanksgiving?"

His eyes were happy as he smiled at me. "I'd love to, Bella," he answered, "if you're sure you don't mind having me there."

"Of course I don't mind. Alice told me she's going, and…" I sighed softly before I glanced away. Why was this so hard to say? "I actually feel kind of stupid for not thinking to invite you sooner. I'm…I'm sort of…new…at this," I admitted.

For a moment, the only sounds were those of silverware on plates and the murmur of conversations around us. Then Edward's quiet voice said, "I am too," drawing my gaze back to him. "I…I haven't actually _dated_ anyone since high school. It's all so new to me, too." He placed one hand on the table, palm up, and I slid mine into his without a thought.

"I'm scared, Bella," he admitted softly.

I looked at him for a long moment. All I knew was that things felt…_right_ with him. Maybe that was what Alice meant when she said we'd "get there." I didn't know, but I did know that I didn't want him to be afraid.

"Don't be," I whispered.

He smiled at me, his eyes gentle, as the waiter returned with our drinks. Edward took a sip of his, and he seemed to relax again. We realized we hadn't even opened our menus yet, so Edward asked for a few more minutes. The waiter smiled and nodded, saying he'd be back soon, and we both studied the menu in silence.

Finally, he closed his and said, "Any idea what you want?"

_You._

_On a plate._

I blushed deeply and a giggle escaped my lips at my uncharacteristic thoughts. I coughed to try to hide it, taking a sip of water. Edward looked at me curiously, but there was no way in hell I was going to explain this one.

I tried to distract him by answering his question. "The salmon looks really good."

He definitely looked amused and even a little frustrated – he knew I was hiding something. But instead of pushing, he said, "I think I'll have the lamb."

I stacked my menu on top of his, and he began telling me his impressions of the newest _Avengers_ series. I loved listening to him talk about anything, but it was amazing to watch him all animated and passionate. He talked with his hands, and the more involved he became, the more often he ran his fingers through his hair.

I began waiting for that, longing to run my fingers through his hair, too. But before I could get too lost in those thoughts, he asked me what I had thought of _Civil War_, and it was my turn to become animated.

Our conversation continued that way throughout dinner, back and forth, give and take. I had never been able to talk to someone besides Jasper so easily. Even with Rosalie and Felix, I found myself occasionally wondering what to say. That never happened with Edward. If I fell quiet, he always had a question ready that made me think – or laugh. Sometimes both.

Each time the waiter arrived, we would pause for a moment, only to begin anew when he walked away. Our food was unbelievable, and after it arrived, our conversation was occasionally punctuated with comments about it and contented sighs.

Near the end of the meal, Edward sighed softly. He carefully folded his napkin and placed it on the table, resting his right hand on top of it. He played with the corner of the napkin, much like he had at the Thai restaurant.

"I think I should tell you something…" he said, trailing off in a way I didn't like.

I could feel my mind begin to spiral down as it always did, but I resolved to just listen to him. There would be plenty of time for panic later.

He didn't say anything else, so I slowly rested my hand on his and said, "I'm listening," as evenly as I could.

He squeezed my hand and sighed. "I went over to your apartment early today because…" he trailed off again, and he looked down at the food left on his plate. When he continued, his voice was quieter. "I needed to talk to Jasper."

I frowned, confused. "Why did you need to talk to Jasper?"

Edward looked back up at me, and I saw several conflicting emotions in his eyes. I couldn't make sense of it all. He exhaled and shook his head. "I just had some questions for him," he finally said.

"What sort of questions?" I asked.

His fingers tightened around mine, and he stared down at his plate again. I was beginning to wonder if he was going to answer when he said, "I was…jealous."

My brow furrowed. _What the fuck?_

"Jealous? Of what?" I wondered.

His eyes narrowed slightly as I watched, and he seemed tense.

_This is hard for him_, I suddenly realized.

"Edward…" I waited for him to look up at me, and I was startled to see anger and shame in his eyes. "Whatever it is, you can tell me," I said softly.

He gazed into my eyes for a long time, and I watched both the anger and shame gradually lift some. He blinked and looked away with a sigh.

When he finally spoke, his voice was quick and low, and I leaned in a little closer to catch everything. "I'm just so fucking jealous that Jasper knows everything about you. That you can just be so relaxed with him, and that he can hold you and sprawl on the bed with you. And that you care about him so much. I know it's stupid and ridiculous. He's your best friend, and you've known him practically your whole life, but it just kept eating at me, and I finally had to go talk to him myself. I was worried about Alice, too – I didn't want her to get hurt in the middle of all this. So I…I asked him if he was…in love with…you…"

I sat motionless, my hand frozen on Edward's.

_Jasper? In love with me?_

_Is he serious?_

_Must be. Look at him._

_But…Jasper?_

_I know!_

…_Jasper?_

_Yes, Jasper, you fucktard. Now pay attention, please. I think he needs you._

I clawed my way out of my stupor and looked at Edward. He was sitting with his eyes downcast, and his face was agonized. I didn't know how long I'd been sitting silently, but I could guess what he was thinking now.

Abruptly, he spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper, "Bella, I'm sorry. I know I sound like an impatient ass…that's not what I mean. I really will wait for you for however long it takes…forever…whatever you need. I was just so scared that maybe Jasper wanted you, too…and you'd choose him instead of me. I…" he took a deep breath, "I can't say I wouldn't understand that, but…god…" He didn't even finish the thought, shaking his head.

"Stop, Edward…" I finally said, gently caressing his hand with my fingertips. He slowly raised his eyes to mine, and the shame was back. The sight made me ache for him. Why would he be ashamed?

"I understand what you're saying. Jasper and I have always been really close, and it's caused some problems over the years, but…Edward…I have never been attracted to Jasper, and he's never wanted to be with me either. It's just not that way with us. Jasper is stupidly in love with Alice -"

_And I'm in love with you_.

My mouth opened to say the words, but they stuck in my throat. What if he didn't say them back? I swallowed thickly and took a shaky breath.

The silence lengthened as we stared at each other, and I slowly came to realize that this would be my step to make. Edward had taken the lead so often, opening up, letting me in…but he didn't have it in him this time. The sadness and hurt in his eyes was ancient.

_Fucking bitch_. My inner voices were all in agreement about Tanya, it seemed.

"Edward, I…" Again, I couldn't force the words out. "I'm attracted to _you_ and no one else…you've given me a reason to try again." It wasn't what I wanted to say, but it was the truth, and it was as close as I could get right then.

As he took in what I was saying, he eventually gave me a soft smile and turned his hand up, squeezing my fingers. "You've given me a reason to try again too, Bella," he said quietly.

The waiter stepped in quietly, placing the check on the table.

Edward shook himself lightly and turned the paper over, glancing at it as his hand left mine to reach for his wallet. He placed a small stack of twenties beneath the check and looked up at me, his eyes still sad as he said, "Are you ready to go home?"

I hated that sadness. Our night had been going so well, and now he thought…what? He'd ruined it by talking to Jasper? It was ridiculous for him to be ashamed of his feelings. He'd done nothing wrong.

No way was I letting him go home like this.

"I'm ready to leave," I said carefully, "but…can we go back to your apartment?"

Surprise flitted across his face before he smiled gently, and it touched his eyes this time. "Really?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered simply, "I'm not ready to leave you yet." I blushed as I smiled, but I felt a little bit empowered by my admissions. I liked feeling strong.

My favorite crooked smile appeared on Edward's face, and he stood, helping me with my chair and coat. We walked back to the car in comfortable silence, and this time, Edward held my hand, lacing our fingers together. Twice, he lifted our hands to kiss the back of mine, and while I didn't know what he was thinking, exactly, the gesture let me know that we were okay.

We began talking again as we drove back to his apartment, and our conversation turned to Thanksgiving. Realizing once more that the guys would be here soon, I panicked a bit at the thought that I would be spending very little time with Edward – at least, very little time alone. The boys were big and loud, and they seemed to take up a lot of time…and space. I was generally very grateful for that, as they kept me busy and happy, but now I felt pouty that I had nearly a whole week of Edward-deprivation.

I giggled aloud at the stupid term, and Edward arched an eyebrow at me as he glanced over while we were at a stoplight. I didn't want to answer the unspoken question, so instead I said, "Hey, do you want to come over tomorrow night? Alice, Jasper, and I are just hanging out. I don't really know how much time we'll have once the guys get here."

Edward frowned slightly, and I thought he was going to say he didn't want to, but he said, "I'm supposed to be going out with Emmett tomorrow night…" I felt a little thrill when I realized he was disappointed.

"Why don't you just bring Emmett with you?" I offered. "He knows Alice, right? I'm pretty sure he and Jazz will get along…I'll get Jasper to make some margaritas, and we can play _Rock Band_ or something."

"Okay," he said, "I'll ask him." He reached over and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear before he focused on the road again when the light turned green.

I felt that strange electricity where his skin met mine, and I realized I really wanted to feel more of that. I took a deep breath.

By the time we'd parked and made our way into his apartment, that craving was growing stronger. I was learning that once I started to have those sorts of thoughts about Edward – wanting to touch him, wanting to hug him – I tended to act on them. So I was trying to decide what else I could do that would let me experience that fantastic feeling without causing me to panic. So far, I was coming up blank.

_I want to kiss him._

_Umm…I want to _not_ panic._

_What's your point?_

I had no answer, but just the thought of kissing Edward brought with it a confusing mix of excitement and dread. I didn't take that as an encouraging sign.

Edward led me to the living room, and I took a seat in the middle of the couch as he asked me if I wanted something to drink. I told him to get me whatever he was having, and he flashed me his crooked grin before he wandered off into the kitchen. I let my eyes wander around the room while he was gone, and they were drawn to his guitar. I'd wanted to ask him to play last night, but I couldn't work up the nerve, and then the conversation had taken a turn that didn't really allow for that sort of thing.

When he came back in, I was still looking at his guitar, and he smiled at me as he handed me a glass of water. I arched an eyebrow at him, and he laughed, saying, "You said whatever I was having…"

I shrugged with a grin of my own and took a drink.

He settled onto the end of the couch, and I wondered if I should move a bit closer. In the end, I stayed where I was, though I felt stupidly far away from him.

"So you were looking at my guitar again, hmm?" he asked with a playful gleam in his eyes.

"Yeah, it looks pretty nice," I said lamely.

I wished I could figure out why I could sometimes be so bold with him, and other times I couldn't do something as simple as ask him to play something for me.

As if he could read my mind, Edward stood and walked over to the entertainment center, returning with his guitar. He took a seat on the floor with his back to the couch as he paused to push the sleeves of his shirt up. He began tuning the guitar and idly fingering the strings, and my eyes widened as I watched the movement of his forearms and fingers.

_Good. Fucking. God._

How could something so simple be so…seductive? I moved around in front of him and sat on the floor as well. If he was going to play, I wanted to be able to really see him.

When I sat, he looked up at me. His hair had fallen over his forehead, partially shading his eyes, and his smile was deliciously mischievous. He wasn't making this easy for me. I reached over, my fingers trembling slightly as I brushed back his hair. His eyes widened as he watched me before he whispered, "Thanks."

We watched each other for a long time, and then Edward finally ducked his head, blushing lightly. He played a few chords, just messing around, and the sight and sounds were enough to give me the courage I needed.

"Edward?" I asked. "Would you mind playing something for me?"

His eyes found mine, and we were both blushing. Instead of answering, he closed his eyes, a look of concentration on his face. I watched, fascinated, as his lips pursed lightly, and then he finally gave a soft, almost sad smile. He began playing quietly, his eyes still closed, and I brought my knees to my chest as I listened, wrapping my arms around my legs.

I felt like I vaguely recognized the melody, but I had a hard time concentrating on it as I took in the sight of Edward so absorbed in his music. He was confident as he played, his fingers moving surely while his face spoke of the emotion he felt. He was in another world, and I ached to follow him there. Since I couldn't, I memorized the way his head tilted to the right, the small movements of his face, the way his lips pursed and relaxed, how his wild hair danced with each little movement of his head.

Just as I realized which song he was playing, Edward's mouth opened, and he began to sing. I felt my jaw drop slightly, and I listened carefully, drinking up each sound. His voice was soft and plaintive…and even more beautiful than his laugh as he sang,

_Staring at the sea_

_Will she come?_

_Is there hope for me?_

_After all is said and done_

_Anything at any price_

_All of this for you…_

Tears pricked my eyes, stinging as I blinked them back. I didn't want to miss a second of this. I bit my bottom lip, resting my chin on my knees. Edward's voice was a gentle caress, but it was the sight of him so free and passionate…giving himself over so completely to his music that made me yearn for him.

_I love this man._

I could think of nothing more as he continued his song. His voice softened as he neared the end, singing, "I can still feel you, even so far away…" again and again.

He played the final cord, and his hands stilled, the music hanging heavy in the air as he sat with his eyes still closed, his head bowed. Gradually, I shifted to my hands and knees and inched toward him. I saw his bronze hair move as my breath stirred it, but still he didn't open his eyes. Slowly, carefully, I leaned closer and pressed my lips to his forehead.

I stayed there for an immeasurable moment, reveling in the sensation of kissing Edward before resting back on my heels. When his eyes opened, they were a darker green than I'd ever seen, and there was a hunger deep within them. His gaze travelled slowly and deliberately over my body, lingering here and there before he looked back into my eyes. I was frozen in place, and my body and mind seemed to be warring.

Edward glanced at my lips, reflexively licking his own, and I gasped lightly as I felt a flutter of panic. Immediately, I was annoyed with myself. Why did it always fucking happen when I least wanted it to?

The sound reached Edward in whatever place he was, and he blinked, leaning back against the couch. He seemed shaken as he sat breathing heavily for a minute. He closed his eyes again, and when he opened them, they were lighter and filled with nothing but concern.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he whispered.

I frowned at him. "What are you sorry for?" I asked.

He smiled sadly. "For frightening you…I didn't mean to." He looked down.

_Fuck._

And the worst part was that I couldn't honestly deny it. I _had_ been afraid.

But it wasn't his fault. I was just fucked up.

I reached out, placing one finger under his chin as I tilted it up. "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong," I whispered sincerely. "And thank you…that was beautiful."

He gave me a small smile, but his eyes were still sad. I was determined to lift his mood, so I teased him a bit, saying, "You're in trouble now, you know…"

He arched an eyebrow and said, "Trouble?"

I nodded seriously. "Mmhmm."

He grinned at my playful tone. "What kind of trouble?"

"I had no idea you could play and sing like that…I hope you realize you'll be doing that at _least,_ oh…once an hour from now on." I grinned at him.

He smiled in response and murmured, "Whatever my Bella wishes…"

I blinked at him and blushed, my smile broadening. He seemed to realize what he'd said and blushed as well, clearing his throat. He thought for a second and then looked at me with a mischievous grin.

"I think you'll know this one…" he said, and I listened as he began plucking a simple melody. When he started singing, I had to laugh.

_I've got the Dungeon Master's Guide.  
I've got a 12-sided die._

I joined in, grinning at him as I sang,_  
I've got Kitty Pryde  
And Nightcrawler too  
Waiting there for me.  
Yes I do, I do._

The rest of the night passed in much the same way, swinging between moments of pure happiness and moments of uncertainty. Any time things seemed to be getting too tense, one of us would lighten the mood, but through it all, we were getting to know each other, and I loved every moment of it.

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_**A/N:**__ The first song Edward sings is "The Great Below" by Nine Inch Nails. Pinkieward hasn't exactly spent the last decade learning love songs – this was the song that came to mind for him. Many thanks to my woman hammondgirl for helping pick out the song. The second song is "In the Garage" by Weezer. Links to both songs – as well as Bella and Edward's dice because I'm that nerdy - can be found on my profile._


	19. Helplessness and Hope

**A/N:** If you've read no other author's note I've written, PLEASE read this one. If you don't, well…I tried to warn you.

This chapter is the long-awaited story of Bella's past. It was extremely difficult to write, and I'm going to assume it'll be difficult for some to read as well. Because of this, I have written two chapters. There is this one, which is BPOV and includes her memories, and then there is an EPOV posted under "More of the Guys" that does not have her memories but has Edward's reaction. Both chapters contain the same dialogue, so I am not posting both in the main story.

_**This chapter has graphic memories of Bella's assault. If you are bothered by depictions of violence and rape, do not read this chapter. You can still read the same dialogue and get "the story" in the EPOV chapter of "More of the Guys."**_

Personally, I would read both just because I would want to read Bella's memories, but I would also want to know what Edward was thinking. Completely up to you, but don't say I didn't warn you. Also, as a personal recommendation, I would suggest reading Edward's first so you can experience it as he does before you see Bella's memories.

Thank you so much for the PMs, reviews, talk on the forums, and the talk elsewhere (I love my Twisters) that has kept me going. And no, this is not the end – this story is far from over, and this is really just the beginning in some ways.

Special thanks to my people on the twilighted thread that played dress-up-Edward with me :)

End ridiculously long A/N…

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**BPOV**

It was my turn to sit out, so I was relaxing on the couch, grinning as I watched Edward play. His eyes were trained on the TV in front of him, and I took the opportunity to stare at him openly. His deep gray shirt was unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and he was wearing a brown leather cuff watch on his left arm that kept drawing my gaze to his forearms. His T-shirt had made me smile each time I looked at him tonight – it was a blue Amazing Spider-Man shirt with Spidey striking a classic pose in front of a target. I bit my bottom lip again as I looked at it, knowing Edward would have picked it out because of…me. It fit snuggly, and I felt my cheeks heat as I admired the way it showed off his chest. His jeans were slung low on his hips, and they looked well-worn, curving to him naturally. He was standing in his socks, his feet apart as he focused on the game. His fingers moved nimbly along the guitar controller, and his gaze was intense though there was a smile on his face as he stuck his tongue out a bit in concentration.

"Come on, Em! You gotta do better than that shit," he taunted, never taking his eyes off the screen. They were playing "Chop Suey" on _Rock Band 2_, and he'd been giving Emmett a hard time. Edward was playing bass while Emmett was playing lead guitar, and there was no question about who was better.

"Fuck you," Emmett answered absently, trying to keep up with the notes scrolling along the screen.

Emmett had had no problems with changing their Saturday night plans, and he and Edward had been over for several hours, drinking margaritas and playing video games with us. He and Jasper had already struck up an easy friendship, and he fit in as if he'd been with us for years. Interestingly, having Emmett over had also caused a kinship to develop between Edward and Jasper as my best friend occasionally defended my boyfriend from Emmett's teasing.

…_boyfriend?_

I bit my bottom lip, furrowing my brow as I turned the word over in my mind. I felt a faint fluttering in my chest, and my breathing sped briefly. I accepted that Edward was more than just a friend to me…I just wasn't sure exactly _what_ we were.

I sighed and shook my head, deciding not to worry about labels at the moment. There would be plenty of time for that later. For now, I glanced around at my friends and smiled.

We were crammed into our living room, which seemed nearly as small as it would when the guys arrived tomorrow, and the boys occasionally bumped into each other as they played. Everyone gave Alice a wide berth on her drums, though. I'd been surprised to learn she was crazy good, but she had a tendency to flail a lot, and she beat the hell out of anyone who got too close to her. She was seriously in the zone.

I let my eyes drift to Jasper as he sang. He was belting out, "Wake up! Grab a brush and put a little make up," at the top of his lungs, and I snickered at the serious expression on his face.

I thought I heard a noise, but I couldn't tell above the music from the TV. I sat up straighter and listened closely, but I didn't hear it again, so I shrugged and settled back on the couch. I was really enjoying watching Edward with everyone else. He seemed so carefree and happy, just joking around with Emmett, Jasper, and Alice. It was such a contrast to the way he was always so careful around me. He and I joked, of course, but this was different…he seemed more relaxed, the tension gone from his shoulders. I felt both sad and appreciative that he took such care with me. I hoped that, some day, it wouldn't be necessary.

This time, I was sure I heard a noise, and I frowned, turning toward the hallway. I heard keys jingling in the lock, and I halfway stood as the sound of the door opening drifted to me. Jasper finally heard it as well and stopped singing, turning away from the TV as we heard a voice call out, "Jasper? Bella? What the fuck does it take to get you to answer the door?"

Jasper's microphone hit the floor, and his eyes found mine as we screeched, "Rosie!" and took off down the hall. He got there first and scooped Rosalie up, hugging her and spinning her around while I followed a few steps behind.

As he set her down, Rosalie grumbled, "God, you _still_ have no manners! If I'm going to be man-handled, it shouldn't be by my brother, for fuck's sake."

She swatted at Jasper, but I interrupted, hugging her tightly. She said, "Hey Bella," and squeezed me, kissing my cheek.

"Hey Rose," I answered, letting her go as I stepped back and looked at her carefully. As always, she was immaculately put together, not a hair out of place despite being "man-handled" by Jasper. She looked a little tired, and I hoped it was just from her trip. Before I could ask, I noticed her looking curiously over my shoulder and remembered that we weren't alone.

I turned and watched Jasper walk a few steps back down the hallway. Alice was standing in front of Emmett and Edward, and the boys were in nearly identical poses, leaning a shoulder against opposite walls. Emmett's expression was priceless. His was slightly slack-jawed, and his eyes were as big as an anime girl's as he took in the sight of Rosalie. Jasper held out his hand, and Alice smiled at him, skipping forward as she slipped her hand into his. Jazz pulled her back toward us and said, "Rosie, this is my girlfriend, Alice."

Rosalie tilted her head, studying Alice for a moment before her face broke into a slow smile. She leaned forward and pulled Alice into a hug, holding her tightly. "I'm so happy to finally meet you, Alice. Jasper won't shut the fuck up about you," she said with her characteristic bluntness, making me grin.

Alice giggled and returned the hug as she said, "I'm happy to meet you too! Jasper's told me a lot about you."

Rosalie straightened and looked pointedly at Jasper. "I hope for his sake it was all good things."

I chuckled, and I realized how good it felt to have Rosalie back. Sometimes things just felt more…complete with her around. I took a step toward Edward, holding out my hand, and he smiled as he walked forward, putting his hand in mine. Turning to Rosalie, I said, "This is my…" and trailed off, my eyes flying wide.

_Fuck. _How had "boyfriend" almost slipped out?

"Edward," I finished quickly, hoping she wouldn't notice.

Rosalie arched one perfect eyebrow and let her gaze travel the length of Edward's body before she said, "Your Edward, huh? Well, I can see why you'd want to keep him to yourself…" She smirked at me and then held her hand out to Edward. "I'm Rosalie Hale," she said. "Nice to meet you."

I barely noticed Edward shaking her hand as Jasper and I looked at each other, wide-eyed. Rosalie never dropped anything that easily. Not just never but…Never. Fucking. Ever. I was in deep shit.

I realized I was still gaping at Jasper when I heard Emmett's voice say, "I'm Emmett McCarty," and I snapped out of my stupor, looking over to see Emmett shaking Rosalie's hand with the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face. His eyes were bright, and his dimples were so prominent, it made my cheeks ache just looking at him.

I glanced at Edward to see he was smiling at me mischievously. I guess our game of taunting Emmett was over. I secretly hoped that he and Rosalie would hit it off well, and we could be rid of Royce.

_Speaking of…_

"Where's Royce?" I asked, furrowing my brow as I looked toward the still-open door. "And why are you here, anyway? I thought you were driving in tomorrow?"

I looked back just in time to catch a loaded glance between Rosalie and Jasper, and I inexplicably felt an icy pit form in my stomach when Rosalie whispered, "Thanks, Jazzy." Her thanks was sincere, and that made me worry.

"Rosalie? What's going on?" I demanded, frowning at her as I tried to make sense of this.

She glanced around at all of us as she muttered quietly, "I would've waited until tomorrow if I'd known…but I wanted to get it out of the way before the guys got here." She sighed but didn't say anything else.

"Get _what_ out of the way?" I asked, hearing a whine creep into my voice as the icy pit grew.

Rose flashed a glance at the others and sighed, "Sorry…" as she took my hand and pulled me past everyone down the hallway to Jasper's room.

She closed the door and kicked off her shoes, muttering to herself as she paced back and forth with her head down. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't, and I walked slowly to the bed, sitting on the edge nervously.

Rosalie didn't act like this.

The door opened and Jasper entered quietly, coming to sit beside me on the bed. He took my hand as he turned to watch his twin and, for once, it made me feel more apprehensive rather than reassuring me.

Finally Rose stopped her pacing, steeling herself as she took a breath and squared her shoulders. She walked over and sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Jasper and I both turned and settled a little more comfortably, moving closer to her. Jazz silently handed me a pillow, and I wrapped my arms around it.

"Bella…" Rosalie began quietly. "I know I've been…distant…for awhile now. I just…" she trailed off, biting the inside of her cheek in the classic Hale maneuver. "I wanted to tell you in person, and I wasn't in the best place for awhile. I made Jazz promise not to say anything, but I wasn't sure he could keep it." She glanced at Jasper, and he quietly took her hand, his eyes forward and focused on nothing in particular.

I just stared at her. I couldn't force anything out as I waited.

"I'm moving to Seattle," she said, and for a moment, I was confused. This was bad news? "I was planning to come in the morning, but I finished packing earlier than I thought and decided to drive down tonight. I…I didn't want to stay there anymore."

I wanted to smile when I realized I'd be seeing her a lot more often, but neither of them had relaxed at all.

"Rosie…what's going on?" I asked again quietly, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

Rosalie gave a sad half-smile and held out her hand to me. I placed my hand in hers as I let the pillow fall and took Jasper's hand with my other. I looked down, idly remembering how often we'd held hands in a circle like this as children. I recognized the memory for what it was - my brain's attempt to deny the reality of what was happening now.

"Bells, Royce and I…broke up last summer." I looked up at her, frowning slightly as I listened. "He…god," she broke off, turning her eyes to the ceiling as she exhaled sharply. "During the last year or so, he started getting more…demanding. He expected me to do everything – take care of the house, wash his clothes, cook dinner, just…everything - and he got angry when I wouldn't. I mean, I have a fucking job too, you know?"

She stopped, glancing over at me. "He started to…" She shook her head, blinking. "Fuck, Bella," she began again, her voice stronger as she apparently decided to just get it all out. "It started with him pushing me, just shoving me toward the laundry basket or whatever. He was a fucking ass, and I let it go too long, thinking he was just stressed, and it would pass. But it didn't. It got worse. Then one day last June, we got in an argument over a fucking sandwich, and he hit me, and when I touched my lip, there was blood on my hand. I just snapped. I swung at him, and we fought, but he was just so damn strong…"

She trailed off as I felt my panic in a tight band around my chest.

_So fucking strong. Blue eyes. Rage._

I blinked, willing my eyes open.

_Not me. _

_Rosalie. _

_No. Not Rosalie. _

_Please not Rosalie._

"He tried to…" My wide eyes were trained on hers, and I saw concern there as she spoke. "He tried to force himself on me." Finally, she closed her eyes, and I recognized that fucking expression. I had seen it too many times in the mirror. Disgust. Self-loathing. Helplessness.

_Not. Fucking. Rosalie._

Anger began to burn in my chest, and I squeezed her hand hard, making her open her eyes and look at me.

She kept her eyes locked to mine as she finally continued, "He said he'd show me 'my place,' and I was fucking scared, Bella. But I managed to knee him in the balls - I got away. I stood there kicking the shit out of him before I woke up and ran out of the house. A neighbor called the police for me." She rubbed my hand with her thumb just as Jasper did, and I glanced over to see him still staring ahead, not looking at either of us.

He'd fucking known.

And they hadn't told me.

Because I was weak.

I couldn't stand the rage that was now directly internally, so I channeled it to the one target who fucking deserved it.

"Where is he now?" I asked, surprised by how calm and low my voice sounded.

Jasper's eyes finally flickered to life, and he glanced at Rosalie before looking at me with concern. "Rosie's safe, Bella. It's alright. She's fine…"

"That's not what I fucking asked," my voice whispered menacingly.

"Bella, I'm okay. I've been in counseling, and he's going on trial, and –"

"I asked where the fuck he is now," I interrupted.

They exchanged another glance, and Jasper tugged on my hand, pulling me into his arms. I shoved him away from me and stood. I stalked out of Jasper's room, slamming the door before they could follow me. I was vaguely aware of Edward, Emmett, and Alice looking at me apprehensively as I sat on the couch and grabbed my shoes, shoving my feet inside, but I couldn't focus above the raging rant in my head, all centered on one thought.

How _dare_ he fucking hurt Rosalie?

_I'll kill the bastard._

I tied my shoes and pushed away from the couch, yanking my coat from the closet. I pulled it on as I snatched my keys from the kitchen counter and made my way to the front door. I heard a buzzing in my ears, and I knew they were voices, but I couldn't distinguish them over the roaring of my pulse.

_I'll kill the bastard._

I had hugged the slimy prick. He had been in my apartment for Christmas last year. I had talked to him and laughed with him and even fed him. I had pictures of him in our photo albums.

_I'll kill the bastard._

The front door banged against the wall as I slung it open, but before I could step through, something caught my arm. A strong hand wrapped around my wrist.

_Falling. Breaking. Blue eyes. Hatred. Rage. Beating._

Instead of incapacitating me this time, my panic fueled my anger, and I swung as I turned. No one would fucking hurt _me_ this time. I heard the sickening crunch as my fist collided with something hard, and the pain in my hand brought the apartment into sharp focus, dissipating the red fog of rage that had been clouding my vision.

I saw blood pouring over his fingers as his hand left my wrist and went to his nose. He took a step back instinctively as a low "Fuck!" escaped his lips.

"Oh my god, Edward! I'm so sorry!" Tears sprang to my eyes as I stepped toward him, sobered at once and horrified by what I'd done.

I had hit _Edward_.

"No, I'm sorry, Bella," he answered, his voice muffled through his hand. "That was stupid…" He trailed off as Alice appeared and handed him a dish towel. My concern for him eclipsed my anger, and I stepped toward him slowly as his form grew blurry through my tears. He took the towel and held it to his nose, but his eyes never left me, and his other hand reached out as if to stop me from walking out the door.

"I'm not leaving," I whispered. I stopped just a few inches away from him and reached toward the towel tentatively, though I don't know how I thought I could help. "I'm so sorry," I said again.

He winced as he rubbed his nose with the cloth before pulling it away to look. Blood continued to trickle from his nose, forcing him to put it back immediately. He raised his other hand and cupped my cheek, brushing at the tears along my cheekbone with his thumb as he said, "Please don't be upset…"

It was more than I could take, and a sob broke free. How could he be so fucking understanding all the time? He was so much more than I deserved. There he was, bleeding profusely because I was a fucking nutcase who couldn't tell him from an attacker, and _he_ was worried about _me_. I just shook my head and cried, not knowing what else to do.

"Bella…" he breathed, and he kept his eyes on mine as he closed the distance between us slowly. He wrapped his free arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest.

I broke down.

I buried my face in his chest and cried, soaking his shirt. All of it just came out. My fear. My hatred. My self-disgust. My rage. My feelings of worthlessness. My frustration.

My love for the unbelievable man holding me.

I eventually became aware that one of his arms was wrapped around my waist while the other hand was rubbing up and down my back slowly as he made soothing sounds. A moment later, I heard my voice and realized I was speaking. I was saying the same two things over and over.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"I hate this."

"Shh, Bella love, it's okay…I'm here…shh…you're safe…," Edward was speaking softly, reassuring me as best he could. When I finally took in what he was saying, I closed my mouth and worked to stifle my sobs. My shoulders still shook, and I drew a shuddering breath from time to time, but I finally managed to become calm there in Edward's arms.

When I'd been standing quietly for a few minutes and felt strong enough, I tried to push away to look up at Edward, but he kept his arms firmly around my waist. I raised my hands and rested them on his chest, tilting my face upward. He had dropped the towel to the floor, and his nose was no longer bleeding, but he looked like hell. I felt my face crumple again as I assessed the damage I'd done.

"Don't, Bella…please…" he whispered, raising his hand to cup my cheek gently. "I'm fine," he said softly, "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm sorry," I answered quietly, wishing I could take away his pain. "I…I never would have…" My chin trembled as I took a shaky breath.

"Shh, love, it's okay. I know you would never hurt me on purpose," he said just as softly, his thumb running along my lower lip as his eyes moved constantly, searching my face carefully. "It was stupid of me to grab you like that. I was just afraid you were going to leave and…I couldn't…I'm _so_ sorry."

Why the fuck was _he_ apologizing?

"Why are _you _apologizing?" I asked. "I'm the one who hit you…" I bit my bottom lip to keep it from quivering, and my hands fisted his button-down shirt.

"You wouldn't have hit me if I hadn't scared you," he explained. It was just so…ludicrous.

I shook my head, blinking several times as the conversation with him – asinine as it was – helped to engage my mind and wrench me out of the overwhelming emotions that threatened to drown me. Edward saw my face clear, and he offered me a small smile. I gave him one in return – weak though it was – and tried to focus on what needed to be done now.

As my ability to think returned, I realized what Edward had called me not once, but twice…_love_. I peered up into his eyes curiously, and I saw…affection…looking back at me. I didn't understand it. It made no sense to me. How could he not only see me in all my insanity but be on the receiving end of it and not be…worried? Not be ready to get the hell away from me?

_Maybe…_

_Maybe what?_

_Maybe he really does…love…you…_

For some reason, I felt the truth in that thought for the first time. Maybe it was the fact that he was standing here, holding me and soothing me, with blood from where I'd hit him dried over his lips and chin. Maybe it was the way his voice was a soft caress when he called me "love." Maybe it was the affection I could see so clearly in his eyes.

Or maybe it was just that I was finally tired of fighting so hard against the belief that Edward could care about me as I did him.

I was fucked up. I knew that. I had problems. It seemed so unbelievable – and, in truth, unfair – to me that someone like Edward would fall in love with someone like me. But…maybe he had.

I looked up at him again.

_Not maybe_.

He…had.

But he didn't know me. Not yet.

My eyes hadn't left Edward's this whole time, and I know he must have seen the conflicting emotions I felt raging inside. I was tired of being weak. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of excuses.

"I think we need to talk…" I said, my voice barely audible, even to me. But I said it.

Edward heard the unspoken significance of what I said, and his eyes widened. "Bella, you don't have to -" he began.

I cut him off. "Yes, I do…you need to know." I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath. I lifted my right hand to his chin, gingerly rubbing along the blood dried there. "But first, let me take care of you…"

Edward's eyes softened at my words, and he smiled. "Whatever my Bella wishes…" he said quietly, and I returned his smile a little sadly. He finally released me and took a step back.

"Let's get you cleaned up." I bent over, picking up the bloodied towel before I nodded my head toward my room. Edward cast me one last concerned look before he turned and led the way. I followed him into my bedroom and saw the shirt I'd tried on and discarded hours ago draped over the end of my bed. It was a jarring reminder of how different this evening had become compared to how it began.

Edward stood in the middle of my room, unsure of what to do, so I walked into my bathroom, flipping on the light. It was odd being here with Edward, and that strange tension between us seemed to be building again, despite the conversation we both knew was coming. He waited until I was inside and had turned around to face him before he moved. As he walked into the bathroom, I noticed blood soaking the collar of his gray shirt and frowned.

"Damn," I said. "That could stain…here, let me see it."

Edward silently shrugged out of his over shirt and handed it to me. I felt my cheeks heat as he took it off, and I couldn't help but admire the way the muscles in his arms and chest flexed under his thin T-shirt as he moved. It was such a surreal feeling – noticing something so visceral while my mind was in emotional turmoil. I mechanically turned on the cold water and ran it over the collar of his shirt, rubbing gently to remove as much of the blood as I could. When I was finished, I set it to the side and reached into my cabinet for a wash cloth. I turned on the hot water and leaned against the counter, looking up at Edward as the water heated.

He was standing there quietly, watching me. I wanted to break the silence, but my mind was already working through what I needed to tell him. I could feel myself slipping into the same numbness that found me every time I had to tell this story.

And I had had to tell it a lot, in the beginning.

At first, it had been so hard to try to find the words, but then…after awhile, it became just…almost a speech I delivered, I guess. It was like I divided into two people, one speaking the words clearly while the other battled the memories in silence. I didn't really think about what, exactly, I said any more.

But I did relive it in my mind.

Every. Fucking. Time.

The reluctance to live through that nightmare again was one of the reasons I'd put off telling Edward. The other was harder…

I didn't want to see hatred and revulsion in his eyes when he realized what I already knew. It was my fault.

All of it.

I had stopped ever voicing this knowledge because every time I did, Jasper railed against me, telling me I'd done nothing wrong.

I knew the truth. And now Edward would know it too.

I noticed steam rising from the basin and turned on cold water as well, running my hand beneath the water until it was hot but not scalding. I wet the wash cloth and began cleaning Edward's face, working to remove blood from where it had dried in the scruff of his beard that had grown in the hours he'd been here. It had to be around midnight now.

I had done this for each of the guys over the years, usually after they fought with each other. It was different now, knowing I'd caused the damage.

It was different now, knowing I loved Edward.

He must have sensed my abstraction because he remained silent, standing there stoically as I cleaned up the mess I'd made of his face. This was my fault too. I was vaguely aware of the concern in his eyes, but I couldn't focus on it. I was so afraid of what I'd be seeing in its place all too soon.

I frowned in concentration as I gingerly cleaned just beneath his nose. I didn't want to hurt him more. As I wiped the dried blood from his lips, my fingers lingered there, and I felt a sudden urge to kiss him. Just one kiss…now, while he still didn't know what I really was. But I couldn't do that to him. I knew that, just now, he would _want_ to kiss me. But he deserved to know who I was – all of it – first.

I refused to think about what I would do if he hated me afterwards. It was a possibility my mind shied away from.

"Okay," I said softly, "I think I'm done now." I turned off the hot water and let it run until it was nearly ice cold before I stopped up the sink and let the basin fill. I put his shirt and the wash cloth in to soak and then turned to walk into my bedroom.

I sat down on the corner of the bed and turned my face toward Edward. He was still standing in the bathroom, and I watched as he turned off the light and walked out. He stopped just in front of me and said quietly, "Let me see your hand."

In confusion, I held my hand out to him. He examined it carefully, gently manipulating each finger, bending it at the knuckles, pressing softly. When he was finished, he said, "I'll be right back," and left the room.

As I listened to noises from the kitchen, I crawled up on the bed, resting against my headboard, and pulled a pillow into my lap. My mind was in a quiet place – the numbing place from which I always told my story. I had once hoped that it would become a barrier, something that kept me from feeling the horror each time.

But it hadn't.

I didn't hope any more.

Edward returned silently, holding another hand towel and a small ice pack. "Here," he said softly, reaching for my hand. He sat beside me on the bed and gingerly tied the compress in place. He kissed the fingertips of my right hand before he placed it gently in my lap. He stared into my eyes for a long time and then tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Bella, you don't have to do this," he whispered.

"I do," I answered simply.

He watched me for a moment longer before he sighed and nodded, looking down. "Do you want me to stay here…?" he asked, motioning to the bed.

I just nodded.

He took a slow, deep breath and held it before he exhaled as if he were steeling himself. Then he moved to the center of the bed, sitting to my left and facing me. He took my left hand in his, while my right was cradled in my lap with the ice pack.

He waited silently, his eyes on mine. I was aware of this, but I stared ahead, unable to look at him. I never could look at anyone while I was telling the story of what _he_ had done.

My story.

"My parents divorced when I was nine…not long after I met Jasper," I began without preamble, my voice low. "I lived with my mom in Forks. We stayed there to be near my dad. But the summer I turned sixteen, she married my stepdad, Phil."

Edward's thumb began rubbing along my hand, but the gesture was lost on me. There was no comfort for me here in my numbing place.

"Phil was a baseball player for the Tacoma Rainiers when he met my mom," I could hear the deadness in my voice, but rather than trying to overcome it, I welcomed it. "He lost his position, and he was moving to Phoenix right after my sophomore year. He proposed to my mom and asked her to move with him. She agreed, and they had a small ceremony that summer. I wanted to stay in Forks, but I'd never lived away from her. After a lot of arguing, my dad finally talked me into going and trying it. He said I could come back any time if I hated it…"

I paused to take a breath. "Phoenix was so different from Forks. It was hot and dry, and I had no one there. I had never been away from my dad or Jasper or Rosalie…or the guys. I was miserable, but my mom wanted it to work, so I tried. We spent a lot of time together that summer. She took me shopping and bought me all new clothes, telling me it was a chance for me to reinvent myself."

_I smiled as I turned to look in the mirror. The dressing room was small, and I could see my mom watching me in the mirror from her seat on the chair crammed into the corner. I was wearing a pretty little plaid skirt, pleated and short. My tank tops had spaghetti straps and were extremely thin despite being layered. On my feet were my first ever Mary Janes. I felt a strange mixture of apprehension and excitement as I realized I was attractive. My eyes met my mom's, and she said, "Definitely, Bella. You have to get that. All of it."_

I blinked and through my numbness, I could feel tears stinging my eyes. That was always the weirdest part to me. I didn't really feel anything but…dead. And yet my body wept. Bizarre.

"I took my mom's advice, and when school started, I wore all my new skirts and tops. Everything seemed so revealing after the warmer clothes I'd worn in Washington. For the first time, I felt…sexy. Desirable."

_I felt my heart pounding as I walked from the student parking lot to the school building. Forks High had been so tiny, and this sprawling monstrosity scared the hell out of me. There were chain link fences and metal detectors, and more teenagers swarmed the building than I had ever seen in any one place._

_As I entered the front doors, I could hear the click-click-click of my heels on the tile, and the sound was so foreign to me. It made me feel like…a woman. I grew more confident as I entered the office, my head held high, and said in a strong voice, "I'm Bella Swan. Today's my first day…they said you'd have my schedule?"_

A thumb stroked along the back of my hand gently.

"Everyone treated me differently too. I wasn't just that Bella girl with all the guy friends. People were interested in me. New people talked to me. I'd had only one boyfriend before – Garrett. He was great, but we'd really been so innocent. More friends than anything else. So I was flattered when guys started asking me out. I went on a few dates but nothing serious. I got a job at a flower shop, and I worked there most afternoons. In September, James came into the shop."

Through my numbness, I felt an echo of the stabbing fear that appeared whenever I said his name. It couldn't reach me here.

_I was restocking that day, carrying boxes of ribbons and foam from the stockroom to the sales floor. I had nearly finished everything and was just grabbing the last few vases. The florist was in the back, working on arrangements, so when the bell rang signaling a customer, I took the armful of vases and hurried out front._

_The toe of my Mary Janes caught on the end of the carpet where it met the linoleum. It was lifting and frayed, and I tripped on it at least once a day. This time, however, as I pitched forward, the vases went flying from my arms and crashed to the ground as I reached out to try to catch myself._

"_Fuck!" I cursed, realizing in that split second that I was about to land on a bed of broken glass when a strong, sure hand caught my upper arm and pulled me around until I was looking into the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen._

_His lips curled into a smile._

My heart was accelerating, and I mechanically took slow breaths to calm it, continuing my story as the memories played out in my mind.

"I tripped and nearly fell, but he caught me, and he stayed around afterwards, talking to me while I worked. He started showing up nearly every day. He was nineteen and in college, and I was flattered that he was interested in me. Before long, I was finding flowers and notes on my windshield when I got out of school, and soon, we kissed for the first time."

Fingers laced through mine, and I vaguely remembered that there was someone out there, listening. There was always someone listening.

I never faced these memories unless there was someone there making me.

_My back was against the wall of the stockroom, and my breathing was heavy as he pressed his body against mine. Kissing him was wholly different than it had been with Garrett. I'd never felt as excited as I did with James. We had only a few minutes before the florist returned from dinner, and we were making the most of it._

_James pulled away, and the look in his eyes was hungry and intense as he whispered lowly, "I need you, Bella."_

"For once, my mom tried to be a parent and told me I couldn't see him. She said he was too old, and I should date a boy my own age. That just made me more determined, so we started sneaking around, meeting in out-of-the-way places so we wouldn't get caught."

I felt my teeth biting into my lip, but I didn't make myself stop.

"No one in Phoenix knew we were together. I had a few acquaintances, but James took over my life before any real friendships could develop. I didn't care. I had him and all the excitement that came from hiding our relationship."

_We had it down to a science now. After dinner, I'd go to my room to work on homework, wait about half an hour, and then sneak out through my window. James picked me up two and a half blocks away, and we'd drive straight to the abandoned factory on the outskirts of town that had become one of our favorite places. It was one of the few that was far enough away that no one ever came here - including the kids who had interrupted us in some of our previous spots - while being close enough that we could be there in a few minutes._

_The factory was three stories tall, and we'd explored it together on the weekends when we could come out during the daylight. Sometimes we'd walk around and talk. Our favorite place was on the third story, where the wide windows gave a fantastic view of the city lights. _

_Other times, we'd barely make it in the door._

_It was just after sunset when we arrived, and James grabbed my hand, pulling me inside. It was always so dark, the only illumination the light pollution from the city that provided a soft glow that allowed us to see each other faintly after our eyes adjusted. Immediately, my back was against the wall, my body molding to his. His hand snaked up my side, fondling my breast as he moaned into my mouth._

Even in my numbing place, I fought the memories, pushing them away. No. Not again.

The soothing thumb was back as pressure was applied to my hand – someone squeezing it. Oh.

I'd stopped speaking.

"Everything was great for about a month until I told him I was going to Forks for Halloween. He knew about Jasper and the guys, and he got pissed off. It was the first time I'd ever seen him that way, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him, but I wasn't about to not go home."

"_Are you fucking them?" he hissed. I could see his jaw clench in the glow of the lights of Phoenix. _

"_What?" I asked, dumbfounded. I was a virgin. He knew that._

"_You heard me," he said coldly. "Are. You. Fucking. Them? 'Cause I know you sure as hell aren't fucking me."_

_I was stunned as I stood there watching him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. _

"We argued, but he calmed down, and he seemed to get over it. He apologized, but as the trip got closer, he became more distant. We talked less and made out more. He got more aggressive, and he started pushing me to go further even though I told him I wasn't ready. He told me he was scared to lose me, that I was everything to him. He begged me not to go."

_I felt his hand moving up my thigh beneath my skirt as we kissed. His lips moved away from mine, trailing down my neck as my fingers tangled in his hair. _

"_You are so beautiful, Bella," he breathed against my skin. His fingers reached my hip, brushing back and forth beneath the edge of my panties. My breath caught as he nibbled my earlobe. "I have to touch you…please, baby…don't you love me?"_

I felt tears dripping from my jaw as the thumb rubbed my hand more forcefully.

"My mom and dad worked out the details of my trip, and they told me I could take a week off from school at the end of October. I flew up to Washington the Saturday before Halloween, and Jasper came with my dad to pick me up at the airport. We stayed up talking when he spent the night at my house that night. He knew all about James, and he was worried. He tried to convince me to break up with him when I got home, but I told him he didn't know James. He said he just didn't like the sound of it. I even wondered if he might be jealous."

"_Bells, at least tell Renee about him…please," Jasper said softly. We were sitting on the couch facing each other, and his eyes were earnest as he spoke._

"_Why?" I frowned._

"_I just…I dunno, Bells. I have a bad feeling about him," he answered bluntly, shrugging. "Just all the sneaking around and shit. It seems like if he cared, he'd try to talk to your mom instead of hiding, you know?"_

_My anger flared, and I snapped, "You know if I tell my mom, she'll pitch a fucking fit, and I won't be able to see him anymore. Are you trying to get me in trouble?"_

_Jasper rolled his eyes. "Of course not, silly girl. I just worry about you." He took my hand._

"We talked for a long time and never got anywhere, but I finally told him I'd at least think about telling my mom. We spent the rest of the week just having fun with Jessica and Rosalie and the guys. We went to parties and hung out and played, and it felt just like it always had. It felt good. We didn't talk about James again, but I missed him. Part of me couldn't wait to get back to Phoenix. I was worried about him being alone."

The comforting fingers left my hand as I felt movement, and the coldness lifted away from my right hand. The fingers returned, weaving between mine.

"When I got back, he was still distant, and he became more erratic. He had wild mood swings, and sometimes he scared me. He would go for days without talking to me and then suddenly show up at my window, begging me to come out with him. I always went, and it seemed like the more distant he became and the worse he treated me, the tighter I held on. Sometimes he was so sweet and thoughtful, and it was those times that kept me going. I thought he was just under too much stress - maybe the sneaking around was getting to him. I told him that I was thinking about coming clean with my mom."

"_James, I think I should tell my mom about us," I said breathlessly in between kisses. We hardly ever talked any more, and it was hard to get a word in edgewise. _

_He immediately pulled away and grabbed my upper arms, glaring at me as he shook me lightly. "Are you fucking trying to get me killed?" he said._

"_What?" I asked stupidly._

"_You want to tell your mom," he hissed slowly, each word distinct, "that you have been sneaking out to meet me for months. And you think she won't have a problem with that? She'll cut my fucking balls off. Is that what you want?"_

"He convinced me that that was a bad idea, and we kept meeting in secret for weeks. It seemed like we were always either fighting or fooling around with nothing in between. He…"

My voice broke, and for a moment despair crept into my numbing place. I quickly shored up the chinks in my armor before too much feeling could wash in.

"James was angry all the time, and I could feel tension just coming off of him. Sometimes the way he looked at me scared the hell out of me, but by that point, I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I had no friends in Phoenix, and things were even strained between Jasper and me. He was upset that I wouldn't tell my mom, and he'd threatened to tell her for me. We weren't speaking a lot. I didn't tell him about the changes in James because I knew he'd call Renee then. It was stupid, but I felt like I'd made the choice to be with James, and I had to see it out. I was too fucking proud."

The gentle caresses of the person's thumb stopped, but the hand still held mine.

My voice lowered to just above a whisper as I continued. It always became harder to force the words out here. "It was a couple of weeks before Christmas break. We were at the factory, and James was being more demanding than usual. I was sick and had a fever, and I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to talk. He had other plans. He kept kissing me and pawing at me, and I finally shoved him away. He…"

I swallowed, feeling my eyes close although the images in my mind didn't change at all, and the fingers squeezed mine again.

"He…hit me."

"_God, can't you just fucking talk to me? I don't feel like doing this tonight," I said, shoving on his shoulders when he refused to leave me alone._

_My head snapped back as the back of his hand struck my cheek. _

"_Don't you dare shove me, you fucking bitch!" he growled._

_I heard a sob and realized it was coming from me. Instantly, he was contrite, stepping close to me and trying to wrap his arms around me._

"_Oh, Bella…I'm so sorry, baby," he cooed, ignoring my attempts to get away from him as I squirmed with my hand to my cheek. I was embarrassed that I was crying, and I felt so helpless._

The comforting fingers disentangled from mine.

"I made him take me home, and he apologized the whole way. I didn't speak to him for days, but I found flowers and little gifts everywhere I went. I finally started talking to him again. He kept telling me how much he loved me, how sorry he was…he said he couldn't live without me."

"_Please, Bella…I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you," he said quietly. We were in the stockroom at the shop where it all began. He was standing close to me, but his hands were at his sides. His eyes were agonized, and I felt so sorry for him._

"_How, James? You hit me. How do you make up for that?" I tried to sound stronger than I felt._

"_Baby, I was just in a bad place. I didn't mean it. You know I'd never hurt you…" he grew quiet and looked at me pleadingly._

"He had actually been very sweet for a couple of weeks, and we'd been spending more time talking at the factory. I thought maybe we were past all of it. He seemed so much more like the James I met in September. Finally, he asked me to come out with him the next night…he said he had a surprise for me. I told him I'd go."

"_You make me so happy, baby," James whispered into my ear as his hands ran slowly up and down my back. His lips brushed lightly along my cheek, making me smile. _

"_You make me happy too," I murmured, kissing him chastely. A small voice inside called me a liar. I ignored it._

_He pulled me closer, deepening the kiss with a playful growl. As he broke away, he looked into my eyes, and I could see the blue of his in the dim glow. "Will you come out with me tomorrow night? I have a surprise for you…"_

_I pressed my forehead against his and smiled, closing my eyes. "Of course I will…"_

My hand was enveloped in two warm hands that ran thumbs along my knuckles.

"I took awhile longer to get dressed that night. I put on his favorite skirt and a shirt I knew he liked, and I spent extra time on my hair and make-up."

I felt my fingers tremble, and the soothing caresses returned.

_I was humming as I smiled at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a black plaid miniskirt that didn't quite reach mid-thigh. I admired the way my red shirt molded to my body, exposing the curves I knew James appreciated. Sitting on the bed, I pulled on my thin white ankle socks before putting on my black Mary Janes._

_I stood again, smoothing my skirt as I gave myself a final glance. I looked damn good._

_I checked the time on my cell phone and then left it on my desk. There was nowhere to carry it in this skirt._

_Deftly, I slipped out of my window and dropped silently to the ground._

"We were quiet as he drove out of town, but he glanced over at me and smiled a lot. He kept thanking me for going with him. He seemed excited about whatever my surprise was, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like we were a couple. I hadn't realized how…used…I'd been feeling."

Something squeezed my hand.

"When we got there, he led me to the third floor where we always talked, and there were blankets spread on the floor. We sat down and talked for awhile, and then he kissed me. At first, it was fine, but then he started pushing me further. He was pawing at me, grabbing me all over, and I was so frustrated that he was back to that."

_I was somehow lying on my back, and I couldn't breathe. He was halfway on top of me, kissing me so hard my teeth hurt. One of his hands was roughly grabbing my breast while the other moved up my thigh. I worked one of my hands free and pushed the hand on my thigh away, but it was back immediately. I tried again, and again it came back. _

_Finally, I used both hands to shove at James' chest and sat up, gasping for breath. "Fucking hell, James!" I tried to shout, but it came out sounding weak and breathless. " I thought you had a surprise for me."_

"_This _is_ your surprise. I thought you'd want this too." I saw the flash of surprised anger in his eyes. He somehow actually believed what he was saying._

_I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I finally found words. "You thought it would be a nice surprise – for me – to…what, exactly? Fuck you on the floor of a nasty warehouse?"_

_His eyes narrowed. "You know, you have a dirty mouth to be playing little Miss Innocent. I know you're not a fucking virgin. It's time to stop being such a goddamn tease."_

The fingers wrapped around mine weren't comforting any more. They were gripping so tightly they hurt.

"I stood up and demanded he take me home. He told me he wasn't taking me home unless I slept with him, and for the first time, I was really afraid of him. I tried to leave, but he caught me."

_His strong fingers wrapped around my wrist as I tried to walk away. "I'm not letting you leave here without fucking me," he said, and I was startled by the menace in his eyes. I realized that even though I'd seen flashes of this in him, I had never let myself really _see_ it, really believe it was there._

_I believed now. _

_And I was suddenly fucking terrified. My heart stuttered as my breathing turned to panting. I pulled with all my strength and staggered away when my wrist broke free. One of my heels caught on the corner of the blanket, and I tripped, falling flat on my face._

_I heard his voice above me say, "Don't make this hard on yourself, Bella. I know you want me too. No one's here to see you do what I know you want to do."_

"_I don't want to," I said, and I realized to my disgust that my voice sounded like a whimper._

"_Of course you do, baby," he said, and his voice turned the term of endearment into a sneer. The metallic clinking of his belt buckle made me stagger to my feet, and I began to run blindly. _

Suddenly my hand felt empty as the fingers left it completely. In my numbing place, I realized absently that my cheeks were soaked and the front of my shirt felt wet. I wasn't aware that I was moving until I felt both my arms wrap around my legs, curling up into a ball.

"I tripped and fell, and he kept telling me he knew I wanted him too. I heard him unbuckle his belt, and I couldn't think any more. I just ran. He liked chasing me. I think it excited him. He stayed right behind me, and he could have grabbed me any time, but he didn't."

_I could hear his footsteps just behind me, but he didn't seem to be running as hard as I was. He was faster than me. In terror, I kept waiting for him to grab me, but he didn't. I fought the urge to look over my shoulder, afraid I'd trip and he'd be on me._

_I reached the stairwell before I expected it and grabbed the rail to try to keep myself from falling. The heel of my shoe caught on the edge of the step and for just a moment, I thought the hand on my back was grabbing my shirt to save me._

_He pushed._

I felt my hands forming fists against my shins.

"When I got to the stairs, I nearly fell. I thought for a minute James was trying to save me. But he didn't. He pushed me down the stairs, and I tumbled almost all the way to the bottom."

_I bounced and slid and rolled nearly to the bottom of the steps, and I groaned as I tried to move. I half-expected to hear James asking if I was okay._

_Suddenly, a hand yanked my hair, pulling my head up, and I opened my eyes. He was there, his face an angry mask. His lips were moving, but I couldn't tell what he was saying in my stupor. Finally, I heard him hissing, "Fucking cocktease…little slut…think you're better than me…won't fucking get away this time…nasty goddamn whore…"_

_His words were disjointed, but each one chilled me. I cried pitifully, hearing the whine in my voice. I could tell I had broken some ribs, and the sharp edges of the metal steps were digging painfully into my back._

"I tried to make myself move, but I couldn't. I hurt so badly, and then his weight was on me. He grabbed hold of my hair, and he was saying so many awful things. He called me names, saying I was a whore, and he kept telling me it was my fault. If I hadn't teased him and turned him away, he wouldn't have to do what he was doing."

I heard myself sniffle, and it distracted me momentarily. My face crumpled, and I bit my bottom lip, willing myself to go numb again.

"He…" I always stalled at this point. Always. "He hit me a few times. My head kept hitting the stairs, and it nearly knocked me out. I was just lying there, and I couldn't even make myself fight back. My arms felt detached from my body. He moved, and I felt him push his pants down before I heard something tear. It was a condom wrapper, they told me later. He tore my underwear away and said he'd find out if I was really a virgin or not."

_Rough hands ripped my panties away, and I felt the fabric dig into my hips before it tore. I felt abject terror, and my mind began to blank. His eyes horrified me, forcing me to look away. When I turned my head to the side, my gaze fell upon one of my shoes sitting on the step below me. I focused on it, trying like hell to ignore what was happening to me as I studied it in minute detail._

_One of his hands held both my wrists, pinning my arms above my head against the stairs. I felt the bones of my wrists grinding against each other from the pressure. His weight shifted as he tried to settle between my legs, and I pressed my knees together, shaking my head and trying to free myself._

_  
It was useless._

_He shoved one of his knees between mine, and I cried out in pain. He forced himself between my legs, muttering darkly while I tried not to hear. Bits and pieces still floated into my mind. Over and over and over again, I was hearing the same thing though in different words._

_This is your fault. Slut. This is your fault. Whore. This is your fault._

_His voice came through clearly when he growled, "Now I'll fucking see if you're a virgin or not."_

_He pierced into me roughly, and I felt ripping and tearing all through my body. I screamed._

"He raped me. I don't know how long it lasted. I blacked out for part of it, I think. I came to when he slapped me, but I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring ahead. He fingers dug into my cheeks. He turned my face to his, and I closed my eyes, but he told me I'd better open them. When I finally looked at him, he told me that if anyone found out it was him, he wouldn't go after me. He'd make sure it was my mom next time."

I felt my teeth biting into my bottom lip, and my shoulders shook. Was I sobbing?

"_You're going to keep your pretty little mouth shut because if anyone – and I mean fucking _anyone_ – even hints that I touched you, it'll be your cunt of a mother that pays. And I won't go easy on her like I did you."_

_His weight left me as he stood. I could feel slick wetness on my back as the pressure lifted, allowing my blood to flow. I was unaware of what was happening for a few moments, and then his hand was suddenly in my hair again._

"_You wanted to leave – right, slut? Here, let me help you," his voice was calm and cold now._

_He lifted me by my hair, and I tried to scream, but no sound came out. He shoved with all his might, and I felt myself start to fall down the second flight of stairs. I heard a sickening crunch and felt a sharp pain in my leg just before my head crashed into the wall and everything went mercifully black._

"He threw me down the second flight of stairs, and I don't really remember much else until I woke up in the hospital. My mom had gotten worried when I didn't come out of my room the next morning, and she went to check on me. She called my dad when she couldn't find me, and he got the police involved. They showed my picture around and got lucky. Some kid said he'd seen me before and pointed in the direction of the old factory. They thought I was dead at first."

_I didn't know how long I'd been lying there. I was never really coherent, but I could occasionally think. I hated it when I could think because then the terror came. I kept expecting to hear his voice, feel his hands. I worried that he'd gone after my mother. I felt horrific pain all over my body, and then the blackness would come again._

"I had a broken leg, four broken ribs, and cuts and bruises all over my body. The worst cuts were lacerations on my back from the stairs. I lost a lot of blood, and they kept me in the hospital for a long time. I wouldn't speak. Jasper and his mom came down when they heard what happened. He asked me if it was James, but I couldn't even look at him. When he didn't get an answer, he told the police everything he knew about James, and they started a search. They finally picked him up at the Mexican border."

Though I was still numb, I could feel myself calming slightly. I heard my voice strengthen. From here, it was just facts. Facts I could handle – it was the memories that got me.

"It turned out that I wasn't the only one James had raped. Three other girls came forward, though mine was the most violent. The others had had injuries they could hide. They were too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone. I wonder sometimes if I would have told anyone if Jasper hadn't done it for me."

I was aware for the first time that I was breathing, and it felt like I'd been holding my breath for quite some time. My hands were clenched in fists, so I worked to relax them.

"The whole time I was in the hospital and even afterwards, I didn't talk to anyone. I wouldn't answer questions. I didn't even talk to Jasper. I was too embarrassed to look at him. He stayed by my bed as often as they would let him until he had to go back to Forks. I still hadn't spoken when he left. He just sat there, day after day, holding my hand and trying to get me to talk. I couldn't. I wasn't even really there."

I slowly became aware of my surroundings. I was in my bedroom, sitting on my bed. I still didn't really see anything.

"After he left, my room was too quiet. Suddenly, I wanted to talk to someone, but I just…I couldn't face Jasper. I was so ashamed of myself. If I'd listened to him, none of it would have happened. So I called Jessica instead."

I sighed softly, and with the sound, I became aware of someone else on the bed with me. Edward. I couldn't look at him. Not yet.

"Jessica, Jasper, and I had been inseparable for years, and she was always easy for me to talk to. Normally I chose Jasper, but there were some things I went to Jessica for. She was a little surprised to hear from me. Jasper had told her what happened and that I wasn't speaking. She asked me what really happened to me, and it just came pouring out…all of it. Even my fears that what he said was true – it was my fault."

My eyes tightened before I closed them, resting my chin on my knees. This memory cut me to the core, but it didn't haunt me the way my others did.

_There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. "Jess?" I asked quietly._

"_Yeah?" she answered a little curtly._

"_Why are you so quiet?"_

"_Because, Bella…I think you're right," she said._

_I was frozen for a moment. Even though I had worried it was true, I hadn't really believed it. Not until she said it. "What?"_

"_Maybe you're right. Maybe it _is_ your fault," she said with acid in her tone._

"_What do you mean?" I asked._

"_God, Bella, I've seen you lead Jasper on for years. You walk around dressed in practically nothing and throw yourself at him, and then do…what? Not a damn thing. You're always touching him and teasing him. If you were doing the same thing to James, it's no wonder he fucking snapped. Not everyone is as patient as Jasper."_

_I heard her voice call, "Bella?" as I disconnected the line._

"Calling Jessica was one of the worst things I've ever done. She told me it was true – it was my fault. She said I'd been leading Jasper on for years, and that it was no wonder James snapped."

I heard a hiss from my left, but I still couldn't look at Edward. I shook my head, eager now to be done with all of this.

"They made me start therapy before they'd let me out of the hospital. The first few months were the worst. Everything I saw reminded me of James, and I had panic attacks constantly. When summer came around, I moved back to Forks, and things started to get a little better. I tried to stop therapy for awhile, but Jasper talked me into it again. I had to go back to Phoenix for James' trial, and that sort of started everything over again. My senior year of high school was rough. Jessica and her new friend Lauren were merciless, but in some ways, dealing with their torment helped keep my focus away from my memories. I just…existed. I got up. I went to school. I ate. I slept. But time passed, and I started getting better. After we graduated, Jasper and I were both going to U Dub, and he asked me if I would move in with him."

I stretched my legs out in front of me and leaned back against the headboard. Folding my hands in my lap, I stared at my fingers as I spoke.

"After a couple of years, things were pretty okay. I had nightmares a lot, but I was having way fewer panic attacks. I stopped therapy, which pissed Jasper off, but it had stopped doing anything for me. I wasn't making any more progress, but at least I wasn't regressing. I…umm…I've had a harder time lately, and I've had more episodes in the last few months than I've had in the last few years because…well, because there's a lot of…shit I just haven't dealt with."

I was suddenly struck by how utterly silent and still Edward was. It seemed…odd. He wasn't holding my hand. That wasn't like him. I slowly raised my eyes, worried about what I would see when I found him.

He was staring at me with his hands in fists against his knees. His jaw was clenched, and his nostrils flared.

I gasped when my eyes met his. It was there. All of it.

Anger. Hate. Revulsion. Disgust.

Tears filled my eyes, though I would've thought I didn't have any left. A sob wracked my body, and I hurled myself from my bed, looking for the nearest escape. I staggered into my bathroom and slammed the door, dropping to the floor with my back against it.

Not Edward too. God, _please_ not Edward too.

I couldn't stand to see hate for me in his eyes.

I pulled my legs to my chest and buried my face in my knees, fully aware of my pain for the first time tonight. It was just like with Jessica…I hadn't fully believed it until it had been shown to me by someone I loved.

"Bella?" Edward's voice called softly from the other side of the door.

"Go -" my voice choked off as I tried to tell him to go away. I couldn't take him looking at me like that.

The handle turned and the door bumped against my back gently. "Bella, let me in." His voice held a hint of desperation I didn't understand.

I took a shuddering breath and managed to croak out, "Go away, Edward!"

His voice was gentle and at odds with his words as he said, "I don't fucking think so, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Please let me in."

"Why?" I cried. "Just go away …"

"Bella, I have to tell you something, and I really don't want to do it through the door. Please, love…please let me in." He sounded agonized now, his voice growing softer. I heard something thump lightly against the door above my head.

My ears picked up that one word…"love." I felt my heart tear as I thought of losing Edward, and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't just let him walk away. I shifted away from the door, half-terrified and half-hopeful of what I would see when he came in.

I moved so my back was to the cabinets, but I kept my eyes on the floor. The door pushed open slowly, and I saw Edward's sock-covered feet in my peripheral vision. My chin quivered as my face contorted, and I tried not to cry.

Edward moved slowly until he was in front of me, and then he sat down on the floor as well, his back to the tub and his legs spread out on either side of me. He took my hands in his, and I noticed that both our hands were trembling.

"Bella…look at me please," he asked tenderly.

I closed my eyes tightly and kept them that way for a long moment, steeling myself in my self-imposed darkness. I raised my chin and slowly opened my eyes.

His soft green eyes were looking back at me, and there was no hint of the anger or hatred. They were rimmed with red and filled with tears, and I saw love shining in them. Edward's love for _me_.

He gazed into my eyes for a long moment before he finally began to speak, his voice just above a whisper. "I can only imagine the horrors you've seen, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that. I am so proud of you for being able to tell me your story, and I am so fucking humbled that you trust me and want to try again for me. Bella, there's no excuse for how long it's taken me to tell you this, but I am so completely in love with you. Nothing you tell me could ever drive me away from you, and I'm so sorry for making you think you had."

My tears began to fall again as I absorbed what Edward said. One of his hands left mine, and he gently brushed away the tears from my cheek. "Please, love…please don't cry…"

I sobbed as he called me "love" again, and suddenly I couldn't be in his arms fast enough. I shifted, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his neck. The fragrance of sandalwood washed over me as his strong arms encircled me, and I felt myself relax. We held each other for a long time with Edward occasionally kissing the top of my head.

Finally, I felt strong enough and raised my head as I whispered, "Look at me, Edward…"

He turned his face toward mine, and he was so close. Close enough to kiss. I was an emotional wreck tonight, though, and I didn't want to push myself too far. So I slowly lifted, pressing my lips tenderly to his cheek as I inhaled his calming scent.

I pulled away again, wanting to look into his eyes as I told him what I needed to say. As he turned his green eyes to me, I said softly, "I love you, Edward."

I watched his smile grow on his face until he was beaming. "I love you too, Bella," he answered, and the ache in my cheeks let me know my smile matched his.

We sat that way for the longest time, staring at each other on the floor of my bathroom. His fingers gently traced the lines and curves of my face as mine did the same to his. I marveled at Edward's admission, and I realized that somehow, I'd known it all along. I had just been so afraid…and I think he had as well. But I was tired of fear. I was tired of hiding.

It was time for me to let go of all the shit in my life and be happy.

I smiled at that thought, and Edward smiled in response before he shifted a bit and winced. "Ready to get up off this floor?" he asked with my favorite crooked grin in place.

I nodded and stood, holding out my hand to him. He took it and quietly stood, then pulled me to him, holding me closely for a moment. He breathed, "God, I love you," before his arms relaxed.

My cheeks heated as I whispered my own declaration into his chest. I stepped to the side automatically, and Edward walked into my bedroom first. For the first time ever, I was truly annoyed with myself for insisting people walk in front of me.

As my mind began to clear from the emotional cesspool it had been for the last…however long, I finally started wondering what was going on in the world around me.

"Where are Jasper and the rest of them?" I asked, noticing my voice was raw.

Edward walked over to my recliner and sat down, opening his arms to me. I smiled quietly and walked over, sitting in his lap. He cradled me against his chest, my head resting on his shoulder. "They…left…when we came in here to talk. I heard them trying to talk Jasper into getting something to eat." His voice was strained as he answered.

"Jasper didn't want to leave."

"Ahh…no. No, not really." Edward left it at that, but I knew. Jasper had been pissed off and worried, and he didn't want to leave me alone with Edward. I hated that Edward had to hear that, but I understood. Jasper didn't know how to let me go. He'd never had to.

I'd never wanted him to.

I sighed softly, and it turned into a yawn. I hadn't realized I was so fucking exhausted until I was sitting here…safe in Edward's arms.

"Tired, sweetheart?" he asked, and I could hear the fatigue in his voice as well. I nodded lazily against his chest. "Why don't you go to bed? Do you think you can sleep?"

My hands knotted reflexively in his shirt as I realized I didn't want him to leave. "I don't want you to go," I told him.

His lips lightly brushed the top of my head as he answered, "I'll stay right here…I promise. But you should go lie down. You need some rest."

I raised my head to look up at him. "You need rest too. Will you…hold me?" I asked, surprised with how easily the words came out. I didn't have as much trouble admitting I needed him anymore.

Edward's eyes widened. "Are you sure, Bella? I can stay here. I promise I won't leave you."

I smiled as I gently traced his lower lip with my thumb. "I'm sure, Edward…I…" I bit my bottom lip and then added quietly, "I feel safe with you."

He watched me for a long moment, studying my face closely before he gave a soft smile. "Oh, Bella…" he breathed, wrapping me tightly in his arms. He stood up, carrying me with him as he walked to the bed and set me down carefully.

"I think could use some water…do you want anything?" he said, leaning over to my nightstand to pick up something. I recognized the hand towel and ice pack he'd given me earlier and realized he must have taken it off my hand at some point. The sight made me melt a bit at the care he'd taken with me.

I answered, "Water sounds perfect," with a smile.

He grinned in return and told me he'd be right back. Once he stepped out of my door, I went down the hallway to Jasper's room, digging through his dresser. I pulled out a pair of plaid flannel pants and went back to my room to grab my own pajamas. I had just retrieved them from my nightstand drawer when Edward returned with two glasses of water. I glanced over at him and smiled as I nodded toward the pants on the bed.

"Those are for you…I thought they might be more comfortable," I told him. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom to change, and you can change in here…if that's okay?"

Edward smiled and said simply, "Sounds good to me."

I changed quickly and listened at the door, trying to make sure Edward had enough time to do whatever he needed to do. After waiting a few minutes, I opened the door and peeked out to find Edward leaning against my headboard already under the covers, sipping his water. He looked so good there…so natural and right. I came out to join him, realizing as I walked that for the first time in seven years, I had told my story and not spent the next several days miserable. I felt…happy. Really happy, actually.

Edward loved me. And I loved him.

We drank our water and talked for a little while about nothing in particular, just relaxing and getting ready to sleep. Edward gave a jaw-cracking yawn, and I giggled at him. He smiled over at me lazily and slid down lower on the bed, lying on his back as he stretched out his arm. Jasper had held me like this countless times over the years, but Edward felt different. His chest was thicker, and he held me tighter, bringing me closer to his side. I rested my head on his chest, my hand on his shoulder, as he reached over and turned off the lamp.

"Good night, Edward," I whispered in the darkness, inhaling deeply to take in that soothing fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla and...Edward.

"Sweet dreams, my Bella," came his soft reply.

All was silent for awhile, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I idly wondered if I should be surprised that I was so relaxed, but I felt too fucking good to care. Just as I reached the edge of consciousness, I thought Edward murmured something more, but I was too far gone to hear.


	20. The Aftermath

**A/N:** Thank you so much for the positive response to the last chapter and the "More of the Guys" outtake! I was really nervous, and I appreciated every review and PM so much.

If you chose not to read BPOV of "Helplessness and Hope," you may want to go back and read at least the beginning until you get through Rosalie's story. It explains a bit of background that you'll need for this chapter.

Also, I apologize for the delay this time. The end of the school year caught up with me and kicked me hard.

I don't own anything you recognize.

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**JPOV**

I was sprawled out on the loveseat, quietly singing along with Bella while I watched Alice play the drums. I loved the way she played with her whole body – arms flying while she bounced in her seat to play the bass. The look on her face was a mixture of intense concentration and absolute pleasure as her silver eyes were wide and her lips were pursed.

What a tempting sight.

I thought ahead. I'm not nearly as stupid as I look. One of the best things about going to pick her up tonight was that I'd have to take her home later. And I couldn't _wait_ to take her home.

Life had been pretty stressful lately, but Alice had a way of making me forget all about that. I just wanted to be alone with her, to feel her pressing against me, to taste her as we kissed, to lose myself in her.

I was beginning to get lost in my fantasies instead, but Emmett's low voice taunting, "Eyes on the screen, Cullen," pulled my gaze away from her, and I glanced over at Edward. He kept looking back and forth between the screen and Bella, and it was making him mess up all over the place. It was pretty funny actually, even though I wasn't quite sure how I felt about the way he was staring at her. I had to shake my head and laugh, though, when Bella started bouncing around and dancing. Edward's eyes were huge, and he looked away in a hurry.

I was still getting used to the idea of Bella with a boyfriend. He was a good guy, I knew that. Probably even a great guy, honestly, to be able to handle all of the things that came with loving Bella. God knows I knew how hard that was, and I'd had years of history and love and friendship with her to build on before it all happened.

So I was trying. Alice trusted him. I'd seen for myself that he cared about _her_, all of her. He was trying with me too. I knew he was ridiculously jealous, though there was no reason to be.

Okay, so that's not true. Maybe it was fairer to say there was no _romantic_ reason to be jealous. If I was being objective, I knew I wouldn't really be completely comfortable with someone being as close to Alice as I was to Bella. But what the hell were we supposed to do?

Before my thoughts could travel any further in that direction, the song ended, and Bella came skipping over to the loveseat to give me the microphone. The look of absolute elation on her face brought a huge smile to mine. It had been years since I'd seen my best friend this happy – and that meant I'd do whatever it took to make things okay with me and Edward.

_If he ever fucking hurts her…_

My inner voice didn't even finish the threat. We all knew what would happen if I ever thought he even _could_ hurt Bella. It wasn't worth dwelling on.

Bella threw herself on the couch and rested her head on one of the arms so she could see around everyone to the TV screen. She grinned at me as I stood and made my way forward. As I passed by Alice, her arm swung out and "accidentally" hit me. She ran the back of her hand along my crotch, making me bite the inside of my cheek even as my eyes automatically scanned the room. No one was paying any attention to us, so I stopped for a moment and looked down at her hand lingering there.

"Oops," she said with an impish grin as she playfully bit her bottom lip and gazed up at me. "Sorry…"

I glanced at the clock on the mantle and saw it wasn't even quite midnight yet. I was having a lot of fun with everyone, but damn it…I was hitting the point where I really just wanted to get Alice alone and let her have her way with me.

When I looked back down at her, she was smiling up at me as if she knew what I was thinking. I leaned down and kissed her lightly, whispering, "Soon enough…" as I stood and winked before I walked over to the TV.

I looked around the room while I was waiting for Emmett to choose our next song, and I was shocked at what I saw. Edward was standing with his back mostly to Bella while her eyes roamed slowly and deliberately all the way down his body and back up again, and the look on her face could only be described as…desire.

_Oh my god. She wants him._

_Yeah._

_No, I mean…she _wants_ him._

_Umm…yes. Where the fuck have you been?_

Where the fuck _had_ I been? I mean…I knew Bella was interested in Edward, obviously. But I guess I never actually considered her being interested in him in _that_ way. In truth, I had never seen Bella look at anyone that way. Ever. She and Garrett had been cute together in high school, but they were both so innocent, and she'd moved right afterward.

Of course since then, she hadn't been interested in anyone in any way. I don't know how it hadn't occurred to me before that I had never seen desire on Bella's face. It was such a depressing thought that I glanced back over to get another look at it now. I had to smile at the brightness of her eyes, the absolute wonder I saw shining in them as she watched Edward. It was all so new to her, and I wanted so badly for it all to work. I felt my eyes begin to sting, and I turned gratefully to the TV when I heard the beginning of "Chop Suey" play.

Edward and Emmett immediately started taunting each other again. I had to admit…it was sort of a relief to see Edward with another friend of his. I guess it was just reassuring to know that he really was being himself. Emmett didn't seem like the type that would let him get away with anything, especially not pretending to be something he wasn't. Emmett gave him shit constantly, and I'd actually felt compelled to defend Edward a few times. It was weird, but I guess it was as good a place to start as any. It was at least making both my best friend and my girlfriend happy. Alice beamed at me each time I stuck up for him.

I ignored their shit-talking and focused on the song, losing myself in screaming the lyrics. Tonight really had been fun as hell, and I knew it wasn't just the margaritas talking. It was getting close to midnight, and we'd stopped drinking a couple of hours ago, instead just hanging out and playing the game as we got to know each other a little better. The volume of the song was causing my thoughts to become disjointed, so I just stopped thinking, enjoying a few moments of blessed relief from the ridiculous amount of thinking I'd had to do the past six months or so. I knew it would all explode when Rosalie arrived tomorrow, and I'd decided to spend the remaining hours blissfully ignoring it all.

My bliss lasted all of a minute or so before it came crashing down with the sound of keys in the lock of our front door. At first, I was confused. Then I heard my twin's voice call out, "Jasper? Bella? What the fuck does it take to get you to answer the door?"

It didn't even occur to me that my few remaining hours of peace were ending early. I was just happy that she was here, so I dropped my microphone, squealed with Bella, and went tearing off down the hall. Right about the time I was spinning around with Rosie, my mind caught up with everything happening around me.

_Fuck._

I felt a bit of relief when I put Rosalie down and she bitched about me man-handling her. Bella swooped in to hug her, and she looked over Bella's shoulder to give me a small smile. I took the time to study her face as they hugged tightly and felt myself relax as I realized that she still looked good. Thank god.

It had been so hard to leave her on her own so much the last few months, and I knew that her arrival was going to trigger some serious conversations I would much rather avoid. But, perhaps perversely, I was actually glad that all this shit was going to be out in the open. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of lying to Bella about talking to Rosalie and seeing her. I hated keeping anything from her. It made me feel like an ass because I knew there was no way Bella would've ever kept something like this from me.

But what the fuck do you do when you're stuck between your twin and your best friend?

I can tell you what I did. I listened when Rosalie begged me to let her tell Bella in her own time. After all, it's what I'd done when Bella asked me to do the same years ago. That fact didn't make me feel any better about it, but I would let Rosie take the lead - and hope like hell that Bella would understand and forgive me.

Rosalie looked curiously past us down the hallway, reminding me at once that she had never met Alice. I walked back toward her and held my hand out to her, and I had to smile as she skipped to meet me. Every move she made was so graceful…so delicate. So tantalizing. I loved the way she was always so happy and excited about everything. She was so full of…_life_…that I'd been drawn immediately to her when I first saw her in the library around the middle of the quarter. She'd had headphones on and was dancing in her seat as her mouth silently formed the words of the song she was listening to while she read one of the many books open on the table in front of her.

I hadn't stood a chance.

I'd felt a strange compulsion and sat down across from her without a thought, watching as her silver eyes widened. She'd smiled at me, and just that easily, I was hers. We'd met at the library several times that week, gone on our first date that weekend, and had been nearly inseparable ever since.

As she reached me, she slipped her hand into mine and, together, we walked back to Rosalie so I could introduce them. I watched with a smile as Rose stood back as if she were studying Alice for any flaws. She pulled her into a tight hug and, with class that would make our mother proud, said, "I'm so happy to meet you, Alice. Jasper won't shut the fuck up about you."

I rolled my eyes and laughed as Alice returned the greeting, saying I'd told her a lot about Rosalie, which was true. Alice was the only one who had any inkling of what was going on in my sister's life, and that was because I'd had to talk to someone before I lost my mind.

Rose straightened and flashed me a pointed look as she said, "I hope for his sake it was all good things."

I heard Bella laugh as Rosalie and I locked eyes. She knew I had talked to Alice a bit about what was going on, but she was silently asking me now how much my girlfriend knew. I shook my head slightly, letting her know that, no, I hadn't told her everything. It wasn't my place.

Rose nodded and relaxed a bit as I reclaimed Alice, pulling her back against me and wrapping my arms around her waist. I rested my chin on her head and gave a small smile as I watched Bella pull Edward by the hand down the hall. The sight was…bizarre.

But so good.

I focused on the scene in front of me, seeing Bella's beaming smile while she said, "This is my…" and broke off for just a moment before suddenly saying, "Edward!"

Why hadn't she just said "boyfriend"? It was so obvious that's what they were. I glanced at Edward to see his reaction, and he was looking at Bella with an expression of such…longing. He'd been hoping for her to say it too, I'd bet anything. I guess that was a conversation they hadn't had yet, and I decided that I would talk to Bella about it later. I wondered if she still didn't quite get how Edward felt about her.

I was yanked out of my musings when I heard Rosalie say, "Your Edward, huh? Well, I can see why you'd want to keep him to yourself…" That was perfectly normal for her. What wasn't normal was when she just said, "I'm Rosalie Hale. Nice to meet you," and held out her hand to shake Edward's.

My arms dropped from Alice's waist as my eyes quickly found Bella's, and we stared at each other dumbly, though I was pretty sure for different reasons. Fuck. If Rosalie was letting something that good go that easily, she meant to talk to Bella soon. She was being as nice as possible right now.

Bella, I was sure, just thought Rosalie was saving up the torment until later.

I heard Emmett's voice break in as he said, "I'm Emmett McCarty," and I glanced over to see him staring wide-eyed at my sister.

_God damn it._

How much of this shit was I expected to take?

My exasperation was short-lived, though, as Bella asked the question I'd been dreading. "Where's Royce?"

I barely bit back my groan and watched as Bella looked toward the open door in confusion, trying to find out why Rosalie was already here. I heard the panic creeping into her voice, and I knew that, instinctively, she already knew something was wrong. I'd actually been expecting her to corner me for weeks now, demanding to know what was up with Rosie. Thankfully, Edward had caused such uproar in her life that she'd been too distracted to notice my less-than-subtle behavior over the last few weeks while I helped Rosalie plan her move.

Rosalie and I looked at each other as Bella's questions drifted off, and my sister whispered, "Thanks, Jazzy."

I had never felt like a bigger shithead than I did when Bella frowned at Rosalie and demanded to know what was going on. She knew now that I was in on it, and she was dismissing me, likely pissed off.

_Fuck._

Still, there was nothing I would've done differently. Like so many times before, I just wished the situation had been different, but I seemed to have a knack for ending up in fucked up situations with no good answers.

I watched helplessly as Bella actually _whined_ and Rosalie drug her away to my room. I turned to look at the one person I knew would be supportive of me right now, and she was looking back up at me with concern in her silver eyes.

Looking into Alice's eyes always gave me the feeling that my soul was laid bare before her, nothing hidden – not my worry for Rosalie, not my pain at knowing what this was going to do to Bella, not my guilt for deceiving her for so long, not my rage for all the fucking assholes in this world that kept hurting women, especially those I loved.

Despite all I knew she saw in my eyes, I was aware of our audience, and I said the only thing I could honestly say at the moment, "I'm sorry, guys…"

_You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. For all of this._

Alice just kept looking into my eyes as she quietly said, "It's okay…I understand. Should we go?"

Of course Alice would understand. I could feel Edward's tension as he stood beside me, though, and I knew that he didn't. And he was pissed off about that, which – honestly – he should have been. No one had been kept more in the dark than he had. I really didn't want to focus on him at the moment though. There was way too much to deal with even without factoring in the pissed off, jealous boyfriend.

Even as I said, "You don't have to, darlin', but I don't know how long this might take," I knew that my dismissal of Edward as just a jealous boyfriend was unfair. He had been so careful with Bella, letting her lead, taking things at her pace…and not just physically. He had told her they would need to talk about what happened to her, but he left that to her as well.

_God damn this shit._

What right did he have to be such a fucking saint?

And when did I become such a fucking ass?

But I knew when. It was the moment I realized I would need to let Bella go. Not completely – not out of my life…but we couldn't stay the best-friends-living-together all our lives. We were growing up, and things were changing. I felt my teeth cutting into the inside of my cheek as I realized that I really did have to do this.

I could easily comfort Bella myself. I'd done it for years. I could tell Edward to just go home because this would take awhile, and then I could cuddle with Bella and make her feel safe. Hell, it was what I _wanted_ to do. I wanted to take care of her and make everything okay for her again. It might even help with some of the unbearable guilt I was feeling.

But it wasn't the right thing to do.

_Fuck._

I made myself look at Edward as I said, "You should probably stay at least, Edward. Bella might…need you…afterward."

I saw as the shock registered in his eyes before they actually softened a bit. He didn't answer, just nodded at me, and I nodded in return before I had to look away. I could feel my teeth grind, but I had done it.

I sighed and leaned down to give Alice a kiss. She held on to me for a moment and whispered softly, "Thank you for that…I'm proud of you." I nodded again, and I did feel a bit better to know that Alice approved of what I'd done. She was a huge part of why I had to learn to let go.

I loved her so completely and wanted it all with her – marriage, a family, a long life complete with a front porch and great-grandchildren. I couldn't do that if I insisted on being everything to Bella, too.

It took all I had not to hang my head and shuffle my feet as I walked down the hallway to my bedroom. I didn't know for sure what would be waiting for me, but there was no possibility it would be something good.

I paused outside my door, taking a deep breath that I held as I went inside. Rosalie was pacing barefoot while Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed. Her back was straight, and her hands were in her lap, every piece of her screaming her tension. I couldn't look her in the eye as I went to sit beside her, taking her hand as I kept my eyes on Rosie instead.

I felt myself withdrawing as my twin stopped pacing and walked over to sit on the bed. She leaned against the headboard, and Bella and I both turned automatically to sit a little closer. I knew Bella would need something to hold onto – she always did – and I was very sure, unfortunately, that she wouldn't want that something to be me right now. I handed her a pillow instead, keeping my eyes forward.

When Rose began by saying, "Bella, I know I've been…distant…for awhile now," I tuned it out. I didn't want to hear this. Not again. I knew the story too fucking well now, and hearing it would just piss me off. Again.

The sound of my name broke through the fog briefly, and I reached over to take Rosalie's hand, my eyes on the comforter. Her voice continued, and I forced my mind away from what she was saying. Unfortunately, all I could think of was all the times I'd quietly gone to Portland to visit her over the past six months.

I'd skipped a few classes here and there to find time that wouldn't make Bella too suspicious. There had also been the odd time when I was supposed to be at Alice's that I was really in Oregon. The worst times, though, had been the first ones over the summer.

Rosalie had called me up one morning in early June crying. Rosalie didn't cry. Not like that. All she would say is that she needed me, and she asked me to come right then. Bella was teaching a summer class, and I'd jumped in my truck and driven as fast as I could to get to her.

When she answered the door, she'd been disheveled and clearly upset, but it hadn't taken very long to find out what was going on. Her eyes had been filled with so many emotions, but the one I remember so clearly was concern – she was worried _for me_ about what she had to tell me. She wasn't sure what it would do to me.

She'd sat me down and started the second nightmare of my life.

I felt Bella's hand slip into mine and glanced over at her, catching her staring down. Her face was so tormented as she studied our hands clasped in a circle, but I felt a little bit of hope that she'd reached out to me. Maybe I would be forgiven yet.

Rosalie's voice began again, and I forced myself not to hear it once more. With thoughts of forgiveness in my mind, I couldn't help but think of what I had done to deceive Bella. Of all the times I'd lied to her about where I was going, the one that hurt the most had come near the end of June. I was scheduled to attend a colloquium on the South during the Civil War where I was supposed to be presenting a paper I'd written with a colleague on living conditions for soldiers in Georgia around the time of the battle at Kennesaw Mountain. I'd had to lie about my mom having surgery to get out of the colloquium, but Bella thought I was still going.

She cornered me the Wednesday before I was set to leave for Portland on Friday morning and begged for us to go visit Rosalie instead. She said she had a bad feeling, and she just wanted to make sure she was all right. Plus, she wanted to see her – she missed her.

I still felt like such a shit for lying to her, telling her there was no way I could get out of the conference. We'd fought, and she'd yelled at me. I knew she'd go on her own anyway, so I'd called Rosalie as soon as I could, and she just happened to call Bella that night to mention that she was going out of town that weekend.

I'd spent the weekend with Rosalie, worrying the entire time about Bella being home alone. The whole thing was exhausting.

Bella's hand twitched in mine, and I tried to sooth her, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb. My heart ached for her. I could only imagine what she was feeling right now. I didn't want to look at her face, to see the devastation I knew I would find there. This had to be bringing back so many painful memories for her. I wouldn't help anything by adding my own anger and guilt. Instead of looking, I held tightly to her hand, comforting her with my touch in the way that had been ours for so long now.

"Where is he now?" Bella's voice demanded, low and dangerous.

I had been so focused on how upset she would be that her anger surprised me. I know it probably shouldn't have. Bella was as fiercely protective as I was, and I should have expected that she would react this way. But her cold focus had me worried. There had only been a few times before that I had seen that expression on her face, and each of them had ended with Bella storming off.

_Fuck._

I was wary as I tried to reassure her, my eyes studying hers carefully as I cursed myself for not paying more attention. I squeezed Bella's hand as I said, "Rosie's safe, Bella. It's alright. She's fine…"

Bella hissed, "That's not what I fucking asked."

Shit. This would not end well. Not at all.

Rosalie joined me in trying to calm Bella, but nothing was working. Finally, we glanced at each other, and I tried to pull Bella to me. Sometimes, if she wasn't too far gone, she would calm down as I held her – or break down. Either way, it was better than her leaving pissed off. I hated it when she went driving in this sort of rage. She never went far, and I always followed her – but damn if it wasn't scary to watch.

Bella shoved me away and slammed my door as she left the room. Rosalie and I looked at each other for a moment before I sighed and blinked, my jaw clenching and my teeth grinding with my frustration. Rosalie shook her head, the edges of her eyes reddening as she took a shaky breath. I hugged her close to me and kissed the top of her head before I hurried to my closet. I shoved my feet into a pair of flip flops and strode quickly to the door, patting my pockets to make sure I had my keys and my phone. Rosalie was right on my heels as we walked into the hall.

Bella had already made it to the living room and had her shoes on. We followed behind her, pleading with her as we tried to get her to hear us and see reason.

It wasn't happening.

Still, I couldn't just let her leave without trying, so I made my futile attempts as I moved in her wake, watching her shove her arms into her coat and snatch up her keys.

Edward's voice was suddenly mixed with ours as he said, "Bella, wait. Where are you going?"

I glanced over to see that he was stalking down the hallway, intent on Bella. Just as he caught up with us, he looked over at me and said, "Do something, man!"

I was only a few steps behind her, and I heard the pleading in my voice as I said, "Bella, please." I didn't have much hope that she would turn around, but I wished with all my being that she would.

Edward passed us just as Bella yanked open the door with such force that it rebounded off the wall. He leaned toward her, reaching out, and so much flashed through my mind at once.

I knew Bella either ran or drove when she was upset.

Edward didn't.

I knew she wouldn't go far before she calmed down enough to realize what she was doing and came home.

Edward didn't.

I knew she would flail and cause some serious damage when she got this way.

Edward didn't.

_Shit._

"Don't, Edward!" I tried to warn him, but it was too late. His fingers closed around her wrist, and I winced a split second before I saw her turn. Part of me was so fucking proud of her when I saw her hand in a strong fist as she swung so confidently. But then reality set in and my voice was part of the collective hiss I heard as we all sucked in breath through our teeth when Bella's fist connected with Edward's face.

"Fuck!" he cursed, and pride surged within me again. The guys and I had worked with Bella over the years on some basic self defense, and it made me feel good to see it in action – especially since it wasn't _my_ face for once. Then I realized that I was gloating a bit that I knew how to handle Bella and Edward didn't.

_I am such a fucking ass._

I watched as Bella's face fell and she began to cry as she said, "Oh my god, Edward! I'm so sorry!" Her voice was already thick with her tears, and her face was twisted with agony and self-loathing.

I stood helplessly looking on as Alice appeared suddenly with a dish towel, handing it to Edward. He took it without even glancing at her and brought it to his nose as he reached out to Bella. The two of them seemed completely absorbed in one another, and I felt like an intruder as I watched them step toward each other, hands outstretched.

It felt so wrong, just standing there watching as Bella cried. I wanted to walk over and take her in my arms to give her the comfort I knew she needed right now.

But I couldn't.

This was the whole reason I'd told Edward to stay. I just didn't know it was going to be so damn hard to see. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just stand there and see her breaking down…see that self-loathing on her face when I knew it had no place there.

I silently turned and walked into the living room, leaving them in their little bubble. I felt a hollow ache in my chest that seemed to be burning through me, eating me from the inside. I sat on the end of the loveseat, leaning my head against the back as I stared at the ceiling with my feet sprawled out in front of me. I could hear Bella's sobs from the hallway and nothing more. Why wasn't he saying anything? What the hell was he doing out there?

She needed to hear that this wasn't her fault. He needed to hold her tight and rub her back and let her know that she'd done nothing wrong. It wasn't her fault she'd punched the shit out of him. Why didn't he tell her that?

I didn't realize my hand was in a fist on my chest until I felt Alice's weight on the loveseat beside me. She reached over to take my hand, rubbing it soothingly with both of hers. I worked to relax it, entwining our fingers as I sighed quietly. I glanced at her, and she was looking back at me sympathetically. I tried to give her a small smile before I turned my eyes back to the ceiling.

My vision became blurry with my own tears when I could finally make out the words Bella was sobbing over and over. "I hate this. I'm so fucking sorry."

Finally I heard Edward's low voice murmuring with hers as he spoke to her softly, trying to comfort her. I heard him call her "love" again and again, and my mind latched on to the word, turning it over as I tried to figure out what it meant. He could hold her, comfort her, call her love…but they didn't know what they were to each other. Not yet.

Maybe going through this together would help them get there.

I sighed quietly and blinked a few times, trying to clear my eyes. Puzzling over their relationship distracted me enough to take in a bit more of what was going on around me. I sensed Rosalie and Emmett in the room with us, but I realized that no one was speaking. We were all listening in silence to the conversation in the hallway now that Bella had stopped sobbing.

I heard them apologize to each other again, each trying to take the blame for what had happened. In truth, it was no one's fault…it was just another one of those fucked up situations.

I could feel all eyes in the room on me, but I didn't really want to look at anyone just yet. I sat up slowly but kept my eyes carefully forward, not focused on anything.

Conversation stopped in the hallway as well, and all was silent for awhile. I was confused when I heard Edward say, "Bella, you don't have to…"

But all my questions were answered when she said, "Yes, I do…you need to know."

_Oh, fuck._

I heard my own shaky exhale as my vision blurred again. I gripped Alice's hand tighter as I realized she was going to tell him.

Tonight. Now.

Alice lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, but I barely noticed as I worked through what was happening. Bella always broke down when she told her story. Would Edward know what to do? Who would be there to pick up the pieces when she finished? Would he? Was he strong enough? Was it even my place anymore?

Bella's voice was caring as she said, "But first, let me take care of you…"

I had to smile. I shook my head once, still staring ahead. It was so _Bella_. Her world could be burning, and she'd still stop to give her last bit of water to a thirsty man.

Edward answered, "Whatever my Bella wishes…" and I felt my brow furrow. I didn't know what to think of him claiming her in that way. I tried to analyze his voice, but I didn't really know him well enough to read him like that yet. I filed it away for future study as I heard them finally begin to move.

I was aware of them walking down the hallway past the doorway to the living room, but I didn't raise my eyes. I was so afraid of what was about to happen. I had no clue how Edward would react to Bella's past, and it had been years since she'd had to tell this story to someone new.

_What if he agrees with that whore Jessica?_

The rage I felt in that moment had no equal. I knew it wasn't likely. Anyone who heard Bella's story and wasn't a jealous bitch knew it wasn't her fault, not at all. But just the thought…

It would kill Bella if Edward told her it was her fault. I really didn't think she would survive it. I mean…physically, of course she would. But I didn't think she would ever recover emotionally.

Rosalie's voice broke through my fog when she said, "Let's give them some privacy…"

What the fuck? Was she serious?

All around me the other three stood up, but I stayed where I was. I needed to be there for whatever happened. If Edward took it well, then…that was fine. If he didn't, I needed to be there to put Bella back together again.

If I could.

I heard Alice call my name softly. Did they really think I would leave?

"I'm not going anywhere," I answered, and my voice sounded lifeless even to me.

It was Rosalie who answered, saying, "Jasper. Come on. Bella and Edward don't need an audience…they need to be able to talk freely without wondering who's listening in."

Irritation flared as I finally looked up, glaring at my twin. "Where the fuck do you think we're supposed to go anyway? It's the middle of the night."

My glare turned to Emmett when he said, "I'm starving. Why don't we go grab something to eat?"

Of course he'd be thinking about his stomach. My own felt ill. Both of the girls agreed with him, and I couldn't believe they were trying to make me leave. Wasn't it enough that I was sitting out here when I was dying to be in there holding her?

"You expect me to just leave her here alone after that?" I managed to get out.

Alice's soft voice was a gentle reproof, "She's not alone, Jazz. Edward's here."

Immediately on top of her, Emmett added, "Believe me, Edward wouldn't let anything happen to Bella."

"No offense, Emmett," I said, "But how am I supposed to trust you on something like that? I just met you, and you don't know anything about Bella's past."

"Not debating that," he said. "But I do know Edward, and I know he'd cut off his left nut before he'd hurt her." He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know how Edward's going to react to what Bella tells him. What if he just fucking leaves?"

The reproof in Rosalie's voice was anything but gentle when she said, "Come the fuck on, Jasper. I just met Edward, but even I can see he wouldn't do something like that. You need to give him more credit. He looks at Bella just like you look at Alice, and if you weren't so goddamn determined to find fault with him, you'd see that. Now, the only thing we can do here is get in the way. We might as well go eat and give them some time to talk. When we're finished, we can come right back to make sure everything's okay."

I took in what Rosalie was saying and sighed, looking down. I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them, looking up to search out Alice.

She was gazing down at me with a mixture of sympathy and sadness in her eyes. It was the sadness that killed me. The sympathy I expected. She knew how hard this was for me, and she hated to see me hurting. But I was making her sad because I was being an ass about Edward. Again.

_Damn it._

I sighed again and then stood slowly, pulling Alice to me. I held her close for a moment before I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, darlin'…" I whispered. "I'm trying…I promise."

Her arms around my waist squeezed me tightly as I heard her whisper, "I know, Jazz. I love you."

I gave a small half-smile as I straightened. What they were saying made sense…but more than that, I couldn't stand to keep hurting Alice. I could do this. I _would_ do this.

I exhaled, trying to let go of all the tension in my shoulders. I thought for a moment and quietly said, "Beth's?" It wasn't much, but it was all I could give at the moment.

Alice smiled up at me and nodded before she let go, stepping back. We all gathered our belongings in silence and made our way to the door. I locked it carefully behind us and turned to look at the others as a potential problem hit me.

"My truck won't fit all of us…Rose, can we take your car?" I asked.

She shook her head. "It's still on the trailer…"

We all turned to look at Emmett, who frowned. "Normally, we'd fit easily, but I picked up a bunch of computer cases earlier. We'd have to unload those first."

Alice spoke up, "I'll just ride with you, Emmett…Jasper and Rosalie can take his truck."

I frowned, not wanting to separate from her although I knew it made the most sense. Rosalie and Emmett just met – hell, Emmett and I had just met. Alice knew him and was comfortable with him. I sighed as we finalized everything. Then Emmett said, "Come on, Ali," and the two of them wandered off across the parking lot. I watched them for a moment, noticing how Emmett towered over my tiny Alice.

Rosalie poked me in the ribs. "She's fine, Jazzy…promise."

I looked back at her with a small, rueful smile. "Which one?"

Rose grinned quietly. "Both."

I sighed and draped my arm over her shoulders as I steered her toward my truck parked just beneath one of the streetlights. We were silent as we walked, and I opened the door for her before I walked around to the driver's side. I settled in and put my seatbelt on, starting the truck and turning the music down. I glanced over my shoulder to look out the window before backing out of the parking space and caught Rosalie staring at me.

"What?"

"Jazz…" she began. I waited for a moment, but she didn't continue.

"What is it, Rosie?" I tried again.

I had put the truck in drive and was pulling out of the parking lot before she finally answered. "I want you to answer my question honestly. Don't overanalyze, don't add to it, don't even think too much about it. Okay?"

I frowned. This wasn't the type of thing Rosalie usually said. "Okay…" I agreed hesitantly.

"What does your gut tell you about Edward?" she asked.

My frown deepened as my jaw clenched. She would ask that. I tried to think of what to say, and she interrupted by saying, "Don't think so much about it, Jazz. Initial response. What is your gut reaction to Edward?"

I sighed before grudgingly admitting, "My gut tells me he's a great guy. He seems trustworthy and caring, and he's been good to Bella. Alice trusts him, too."

Silence reigned in the truck, and I tried to figure out where Rosalie was going with this. Obviously she was trying to convince me to trust Edward, but it just seemed like an odd way to go about it.

So I wasn't expecting her next question, and it knocked the wind out of me like a kick to the crotch. "What did your gut tell you about James? Even when Bella first told you about him?"

My hands tightened on the steering wheel as my teeth ground and my nostrils flared. _What the fuck? _I worked to calm myself, breathing deeply, and finally said, "It told me he was a fucking asshole."

Rosalie said nothing else for awhile, and I watched the lights glint off the windows of the buildings we passed as we made our way downtown. I heard nothing but the roar of my engine and the hissing of the tires on the wet pavement before Rose's voice whispered, "And Royce?"

I inhaled sharply and looked over at her. Seeing her sitting there, I was overcome again by how much she'd been through, and I felt my eyes stinging as I whispered, "I'm so sorry, Rosie."

She shook her head and said, "Jazz, it's not your fault. I kept a lot of things from you, and I wouldn't have listened to you anyway. I thought I knew what I was doing…"

She looked down at her hands in her lap and then back up at me before I returned my eyes to the road. "You were seventeen, Jazz. You lived states away. Her mom had already told her she couldn't see him, and she did it anyway. It's not your fault."

I interrupted, my enormous guilt spilling over as it always did. "I should've told Renee, Rose. None of this would've happened if I'd spoken up."

"You don't know that," she argued. "Bella was stubborn. I think she would've just hidden it better, and I don't think it would've changed anything except she would've been mad at you, too. Sometimes we do stupid things, Jasper, and we just need someone there to help us pick up the pieces afterward."

We'd had this argument so many times over the years. It was pointless. I knew what she would say, just as she knew what I would say. It didn't change the fact that I didn't believe it. I should've tried harder, done more.

I was getting ready to voice that opinion again when Rosalie said, "Whether or not you're guilty of anything isn't the point right now anyway."

I frowned and glanced over at her again. She was turned partway in her seat, watching me. "Then what the fuck is the point?" I demanded.

"I'm just trying to point out that your gut has been right…every time. Your gut tells you to trust Edward, Jazz. You didn't listen the last couple of times, and you regretted it. Maybe you should listen this time."

I furrowed my brow and scowled as I watched the buildings pass by us in a blur. We remained silent as I pulled into the parking lot at the restaurant and parked my truck. We got out and walked to the entrance where we turned to wait for Alice and Emmett. I spotted them across the lot and watched as they walked toward us. Emmett said something that made Alice laugh as she pinched him. He ruffled her hair, causing her to hit him on the arm. They were so…relaxed together. It reminded me intensely of the way she acted with Edward, and I wondered if she looked at Emmett as another brother.

Just then, the two of them caught sight of us, and they sobered immediately. With a few more steps, they reached us, and Alice took my hand as Emmett opened the door and held it. Rosalie entered first, and the rest of us followed as she spoke to the hostess. The place was packed as usual, but we managed to get a booth after a few minutes.

The ladies sat across from each other, leaving me with the dilemma of where to sit. Finally I slid onto the bench beside Alice, resting my hand on her knee as Emmett sat across from me. We ordered our drinks and then opened the menus while I tried hard to forget what was going on a few miles away in my apartment.

I was aware of the other three talking, and I tried to concentrate on what they were saying. I wasn't having a lot of luck, but I did at least manage to decide on a breakfast burrito with black beans. I closed my menu and set it to the side, struggling to focus.

The others were just making small talk about the menu, discussing different options. Alice was teasing Emmett about the twelve-egg omelets he always ordered – and finished, apparently - and it made me smile to see her this way and appreciate how well she knew Emmett. It was sometimes shocking to me to realize how short a time we really had been together. I was still learning about her friends and family and her relationships with them. Thankfully, watching her helped me take my mind off Bella and what I knew she was going through, and I tried to join in the conversation around me.

Emmett asked Rosalie about her apprenticeship in Portland, prompting her to ask how he knew about it. I noticed they turned partially toward each other, and Rosalie gave a small smile.

_God._

I looked at Emmett, thinking of the way Edward and Alice interacted with him, and remembered my conversation with Rosalie on the way over. What was my gut reaction to Emmett?

I sighed. My gut told me Emmett was a good guy too. I looked over at Rosalie, wondering if she was ready to move on. She was deep in conversation with Emmett already, and they seemed intent on each other as they talked.

Rosalie had been hurt by an asshole too, much as Bella had. I didn't love her any less than Bella, so I was still trying to figure out why it was so much easier for me to let her go. I'd been able to leave her on her own when she asked me to, even that first day when I was still so angry I could barely see straight.

And now, watching her with Emmett, I was able to accept it far easier than I could accept Bella with Edward. Why?

Before I could begin to answer that question, Alice leaned toward me, quietly asking, "How are you doing, handsome?"

Emmett and Rosalie were absorbed in their conversation, so I turned to look down at Alice, reaching up to run my thumb along her cheek. "I'm making it," I answered, unable to reassure her much more and still be truthful.

Alice caught my hand on her cheek and squeezed it as she lowered our hands to her lap. She smiled up at me and said, "I know it's hard, Jazz. I promise you, though, you don't have to worry about Edward. He loves her as much as you love me."

The way she said it – comparing Edward's love for Bella with my love for Alice – stunned me for a moment. It was an echo of what Rosalie had said earlier, but it had a different impact coming from this woman I loved. She was so confident, so sure of her words. It made me look at things a little differently.

How would I react if Alice told me a story like the one Bella was telling Edward now? Was there any way in hell I would walk out on her?

I wanted to laugh at the thought. Of course there wasn't. Not a thing in the world could make me walk away from Alice.

Did Edward really love Bella that much? Was it laughable to think of his abandoning her?

"Are you sure, Alice?" I whispered.

"As sure as I am of you," was her quiet answer.

I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked into her eyes. We stared at each other for a long time while my thoughts circled inside my head. Slowly, I came to realize a few things. The most significant was that the major reason I was better able to handle Rosalie dating again was that I looked at Rose as an adult capable of making her own decisions while I saw Bella as…a child. She was such an innocent, and I'd taken up the role of her protector. Her guardian. Her father in so many ways. And like an overprotective father, I couldn't stand the thought of her heart being broken, so I was trying to shield her from that possibility.

It was more complicated than that, of course, but it was the best comparison I could find. It sickened me to think of how patronizing I was with Bella sometimes, hiding my physical relationship with Alice from her, thinking she knew nothing about love or sex.

I'd had the best of intentions with her and never meant to treat her like a child, but I had. It was ironic, really. She had survived so much more than I could have and been shoved into adulthood in the most brutal way I could imagine. She wasn't a child.

And I couldn't shield her forever.

She didn't want to be protected now. She wanted to be free to love Edward – and even have the chance of her heart being broken. So what was my role now? As her best friend, what was I supposed to do?

I was startled when the waiter arrived to take our order. I mechanically told him what I wanted, trying to hold on to the questions in my head now that I finally seemed to be making some progress with them. The others ordered, and Emmett and Rose fell into easy conversation again as Alice sat silently beside me.

Turning to the side, I shifted so I could look at Alice more easily. I took both her hands in my right one and rested them in her lap while I lifted my left to trace the shape of her cheekbone and the curve of her ear before I let my hand slip to her neck. I studied her carefully and thought of the role of the best friend in a relationship like this. What had Bella done with me?

I smiled quietly when I realized what Bella had done – she'd cooked dinner and invited Alice over. She'd gotten to know her and reached out, going to the movies with her even though she wasn't comfortable with Alice's brother being here. She'd made nachos to celebrate my falling in love with Alice. She'd spent hours letting Alice dress her, just to make her happy. She'd gone shopping with her and made a friend out of her, even though she really didn't have girl friends.

And what had I done?

I'd been an ass and threatened Edward.

_Perfect._

Still, I didn't regret that part. Best friend or not, I wasn't about to let anything happen to Bella. But it was time to let go of all of this shit and give Bella the chance to be happy - really happy, not just not miserable. It was time to trust Alice. Trust Edward. Trust myself again.

I smiled softly as I felt the weight on my chest begin to lift. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I felt calm for the first time in weeks. Alice sensed the change in me and smiled in response.

Our food arrived just then, making me realize I'd been staring at Alice for quite awhile as I worked through all the questions in my head. She'd sat there the whole time, letting me look at her, watching me in return, being exactly what I needed at that moment.

"I love you," I told her softly, leaning over to gently kiss her lips. Alice's hands found my cheeks as she pulled me closer, and she sighed contentedly when we parted, our foreheads resting against each other.

I suddenly realized it was silent at our table and raised my head to find Emmett and Rosalie both staring at us. Emmett was grinning like an idiot, and Rosalie had an eyebrow arched.

"What?" I asked.

"Gross," was Rosalie's answer. I grinned at her, feeling more at ease than I had in weeks. I had a long way to go with Edward, especially considering my less-than-fantastic beginning, but at least I finally understood what everyone had been trying to tell me.

Emmett said, "If you're finished molesting my best friend's sister…" and trailed off with another grin before he asked me about the video card in my computer. It turned out Alice had told him about my gaming habits, and he'd had to order a few extra cards to get a discount on some systems he was putting together.

We talked computers for awhile, and I heard Rosalie asking Alice about some of her designs. Our conversations continued as we ate, and I worked to keep my mind here. It was easier than I would have thought, but I still drifted at times, wondering if Bella had told Edward about how guilty she felt for dressing the way she had or if she'd gotten to the point where she tripped yet. I'd had to listen to her tell that story so many times, but it had taken all of our smaller conversations over the years for me to really put together what had happened to her. And it scared the shit out of me.

There was a lot she held back when she told her story all at once, a product of the streamlining the lawyers had worked on with her as well as her own desire to get the story over as quickly as possible. At various times, I'd gotten up the nerve to ask her about specific parts. She'd also occasionally volunteered information, just needing to get it out there. I hoped that eventually she and Edward would have those conversations…it had helped me put together a more complete picture of Bella and why certain things bothered her. He'd need that to really understand her.

"So are you dating anyone?" Emmett's voice broke through my thoughts, and I gaped at him. He didn't really believe in subtlety, did he?

Alice giggled at the expression on my face as Rosalie said, "No. Ever since the last bastard I dated, I'm pretty picky. I haven't found anyone up to my standards."

She brushed her hair back over her shoulder and gave a small smile as she looked down. She was flirting. With Emmett. Gross.

I had to smile, though. I hadn't seen her this animated in a long time.

Emmett raised both eyebrows and said, "What are your requirements then?"

Rose smirked and launched into a long list of demands beginning with, "A skinny guy with hidden geeky habits who is smart and sweet, who knows his way around an engine and the washing machine, who can take care of problems around the house and in a relationship, who is not afraid to talk but knows when to shut the hell up. Someone who puts me first and appreciates that I put him first. Someone with dark hair because I've had enough of asshole blonds. Someone who brings me tomato soup, cheese toast, and auto magazines when I'm sick. Someone who loves to kiss and can make me forget my own name, who likes to make out sometimes without it going anywhere…"

She kept going, but I finally had to tune her out. There was something so…wrong about listening to my twin sister list all the things she wanted in a guy, especially when it came to the physical stuff.

I started silently listing the battles of the Civil War in order as I watched Emmett's face. His eyes were wide, and he listened carefully as Rosalie ticked off each point on her list of requirements. Surely he didn't think he fit all that?

Rosalie's voice broke through my own list when she said, "Who can put up a fight when we play _Street Fighter_," and I laughed. She always claimed I was a pansy, even though we were evenly matched. She flashed me a grin but never faltered as she continued. Damn. She really had thought about this shit. "I want someone who lets me enjoy my interests and has interests of his own, who respects me but can curse like a sailor and doesn't mind that I curse too. He has to be passionate both in and out of the bedroom, and he can't be afraid to argue with me."

We all sat and stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. Alice's lips were slightly parted as she gaped, and I laughed. But Emmett nodded thoughtfully for a long time before he finally said, "So how important is that skinny thing? 'Cause I've got the rest of that shit down."

Rosalie laughed before she grew quiet and smiled at Emmett. She said, "The skinny thing might be negotiable…" She looked down at the table, and Emmett stared at her, smiling.

"That's good to know," was all he said before he picked up his fork to finish off his ridiculous omelet. The thing was served on a damn pizza pan, and he ate every single bite of it.

We talked for awhile longer as we all finished eating, and I realized that Bella would have finished her story by now. I was becoming anxious again, wanting to get home and check on her. I felt a little more at ease now that I was sure Edward wouldn't just leave her, but I knew what a wreck she normally was after telling someone what had happened. I wanted to be there in case she needed me.

I felt a hollow ache when I realized she might not need me this time.

The waiter brought our check, and I paid for everyone. I knew it wouldn't make up for my moods, but it was a small apology anyway. Emmett tried to argue with me until Rosalie told him to let me make up for being a jackass. I rolled my eyes at her and said, "Thanks, Rosie."

She smiled at me.

We stood and made our way out of the restaurant. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 2:30 in the morning now. We'd been eating and talking for nearly two hours, though it didn't seem like it. Bella would definitely be finished by now, and I'd be returning to whatever the aftermath had been.

Anxiety rose in my chest, and I was ready to get home. Now. Alice sensed my tension and squeezed my hand as we stepped out into the misty night. I returned the gesture, trying to let her know that I was okay, just a little worried. I suddenly realized that if she was going to ride with Emmett again, we would be saying good night here.

So much for my well-laid plans.

I sighed and leaned down to hug her, pulling her to me. She tilted her head toward me, and we kissed gently. She smiled against my lips, and I couldn't help but smile in return. I loved this woman like I'd never loved anyone else. I kissed her again, nearly lifting her from the ground as I held her close. After a long moment, I relaxed my grip so we could stand again.

As we straightened, Rosalie said, "Hey, Jazz? Emmett's going to drop me off at my hotel. What time should I come over tomorrow?"

I blinked. I hadn't even realized they'd been talking while Alice and I were holding each other. I frowned slightly as I said, "Are you sure, Rosie? I don't mind taking you."

Rosalie rolled her eyes at me. "Yes, I'm sure. There's no sense in you driving all the way out there when Emmett's going that way anyway."

She walked toward me and hugged me tightly, whispering, "Besides, you need some alone time with Alice. I can't stand the sight of you making out in front of me all day tomorrow. Get that shit out of your system." When she pulled away, she was grinning at me. I tickled her, and she punched my arm. Hard.

Damn it. I liked it better when Bella just squirmed away. I refused to rub my arm, but that shit stung, and the wicked grin on her face told me she knew it.

"So what time?" she asked again. I told her the guys should be there around three, and she nodded before she said, "Will the love of my life be there?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. I would never understand the running joke between those two. "Yes, Embry's coming."

Emmett frowned and furrowed his brow as he listened. I snickered at him.

We said our goodbyes and made our way out into the parking lot. I helped Alice into the truck and got behind the wheel, watching in my rearview mirror as Emmett opened the door for Rosalie. His Jeep was tall, and he helped her up by offering her a hand and steadying her with his other hand on her waist. He made sure she was in and then closed the door before going around to the driver's side.

After I started the truck, I backed out and then took Alice's hand, holding it on the seat between us.

We drove through the streets in comfortable silence before she finally asked, "So what do you think of Rosalie and Emmett?"

I thought for a moment before I said, "Well…they seem to be getting along extremely well. I'm not really sure what to think yet, you know?" Alice didn't say anything, so I prompted her, asking, "What do you think?"

I heard the smile in her voice as she answered, "I think Rose is a very lucky girl. Emmett's great…but I've never actually seen him interested in anyone like that. He's taken care of me a couple of times when I was sick and Edward was out of town. My mom just adores him. He's loyal to a fault and won't hear anyone say anything bad about Edward…or me. He once kicked a guy's ass at a party when I was in college because he called me a bitch when I told him to keep his hands off me. He's a total flirt, but it's all playful. He's harmless."

I could hear the fondness she felt for him as she spoke, and when she got quiet, I said softly, "If you trust him, then I do too." I squeezed her hand and glanced over to see her smiling at me.

There were questions in her eyes, and I answered them the best I could, trying to fill her in on my epiphanies at the restaurant tonight. I told her about how I'd come to realize I sheltered Bella too much. I felt shame burning on my face as I spoke. I hated to admit my mistakes to Alice. She never judged me though. She just held my hand and asked me questions, helping to draw out my thoughts as always.

I found myself telling her, "I think I've been wrong to hide how we are too. I mean physically. I think maybe Bella needs to see that kissing and all of that is a good thing, not something to hide or be afraid of."

I saw her nod thoughtfully from the corner of my eye, and she said, "I think that makes sense…but Jazz, I know why you've kept it from her. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up about that, okay?"

I sighed and squeezed her hand, giving a small smile as she hit on what she knew I'd be worried about. We talked awhile longer until we pulled into her apartment complex and parked. I walked her to the door and stood to the side while she unlocked it. We went inside together, and Alice went to the kitchen while I walked through her apartment. I knew it was a little paranoid, but it was the small things like that that helped me sleep at night when she was away from me.

Once I was sure she was safe, I went back to the kitchen. She walked toward me, and we met in the middle where I bent down just as she lifted onto her toes. We kissed slowly and deeply, and I gave myself over to her taste and the feeling of her soft lips moving with mine. This was what I'd been missing all night, this feeling of merging with Alice, being completely in tune with her.

Finally I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers as I said quietly, "I'm sorry I've been an ass, Alice."

She straightened to look me in the eye as she frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"This last week, I've been so worried about Bella and Edward that I think I've been ignoring you…and I know I keep hurting your feelings when I get upset about him. I just feel like such an ass, and I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that from me." I wrapped my arms around her again, pulling her with me as I leaned back against the counter.

"Jazz, you've been going through a lot…believe me, I understand. I appreciate you apologizing, though. You're forgiven." She smiled up at me and rose to kiss my jaw. "And I'm definitely looking forward to having you back…"

I gave a little growl and bent down, kissing her deeply. She nibbled on my lower lip and tangled her fingers in my hair, and I was becoming very torn between picking her up to carry her to her bedroom and telling her goodnight so I could go assess the damage at my apartment. I really wasn't sure which part of me would win, so it was a bit of a relief when Alice pulled away with a soft sigh.

"Is it okay if I come over early tomorrow?" she asked, and I stared at her swollen lips as I tried to focus.

Finally, her words sank in. "Of course it is…that's a silly question. You know you can come over anytime you want." I hugged her close once more before I let her go, and she stepped back. We talked quietly as she walked me to the door, where we hugged again and I kissed her gently.

"I miss you," I told her honestly.

"Miss you too," she answered with a smile. "And I love you so much."

I smiled as I said, "I love you more than you know."

We said our good nights and I stepped out, waiting until I heard her lock the door before I walked to my truck. My earlier sense of urgency built with each step, and by the time I settled into my seat, I was ready to be home.

My anxiety spread, and I called Rosalie to make sure she was safe as well. She answered on the fourth ring, just as I was about to change directions and head to the hotel. Her voice was muffled as she said, "What the fuck, Jasper?"

"Are you all right, Rosie?" I asked.

Her voice was a bit clearer as she answered, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sleeping. What's wrong?"

We talked for a minute more, and she told me that Emmett had walked her to her door to make sure she was safe before he left. She'd passed out immediately, and obviously she wasn't too happy about me waking her up. I apologized for waking her, and we said good night before I hung up the phone. At least two of my girls were safe.

The wet streets passed by in a blur as I drove, my thoughts focused on what I might find at my apartment. I imagined several different scenarios, and the worst ones all involved Edward leaving in a rage. I didn't know what Bella would do then, but my breathing sped and my chest was tight until I pulled into our parking lot and saw Edward's Volvo sitting in the same spot.

I relaxed a bit, taking a deep breath as I parked and got out. I waited outside our front door, listening but hearing nothing, so I made my way inside and locked the door behind me. There was still no sound. I hung my coat in the closet and quietly put my keys on the kitchen counter. There was a strange hush in the apartment. It felt…empty somehow. I tried to remember if I'd seen Bella's truck in the parking lot, but I really hadn't noticed and couldn't be sure. Maybe they'd gone somewhere together.

I kicked my shoes off near the door and walked silently down the hallway. I paused outside Bella's room. The light was off, and the door was closed.

_They must've decided to go somewhere…_

_Where would they go though? Would Bella be up for that?_

I frowned, trying to make sense of it. Maybe they'd been hungry too. I flipped on the hall light, deciding to check so I'd be able to sleep, and I turned the doorknob slowly, pushing the door open silently.

The light from the hallway fell in a beam across Bella's bedroom, illuminating part of her bed. I saw Edward lying on his back with Bella's head resting on his shoulder. Her arm was thrown across his chest, and his right hand rested on her upper arm. The light caused Bella to stir slightly, and she snuggled into him as his left arm tightened reflexively around her waist, bringing her even closer. His face turned toward hers, his nose settling into her hair as his lips rested against her forehead, almost as if he were kissing her.

I heard a quiet gasp and realized it was mine as I tried to absorb the sight in front of me. I was so fucking confused. No one held Bella while she slept, not even Felix. No one but me.

I closed the door quietly and turned off the hall light, standing in the darkness as my eyes adjusted and I tried to make sense of my conflicted thoughts. I felt a mixture of hurt and jealousy and…rejection. I let myself wallow in my misery for a moment, experiencing all the terrible feelings completely.

Then I tried to push that all away and focus only on the good things for Bella. Edward had not only stayed, he'd apparently known what to do. He'd held Bella and made her comfortable enough to sleep. He had done what he'd stayed to do.

I took a deep breath and pushed my hand through my hair as I walked blindly to my own bedroom. I stripped out of my shirt and pants, not bothering with pajamas as I fell into bed in my boxers. I set my alarm for 10:00 and turned it on before I lay flat on my back and stared at my ceiling, barely visible in the glow from the streetlights outside. My thoughts were in such a tangled snarl that I didn't think there was any way I would be able to sleep.

My exhaustion must have caught up with me because the next thing I knew, daylight was shining weakly in through the windows, and my alarm clock was making that infernal buzzing noise. I slapped at it until it shut up and then lay with my arm stretched above my head, my eyes on the ceiling just as they had been the night before.

_Edward slept in Bella's bed._

I was still baffled by that. It had been something that was just ours for so long now. The other guys held her hand, and some – especially Felix – had even held her as she cried. But no one held her as she slept.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to let the jealousy go. I held Alice as she slept…it was only fair that Edward get to hold Bella.

_Right?_

My jaw clenched as I tried to will the feeling of rejection away. What was messed up was that I really was happy for them. The sight of them there last night had been…moving, honestly. They both had so much shit to deal with right now, and it was pretty cool to see them reaching out to each other that way.

_But where do I fit in now?_

_Not helping._

To top it off, we had several very large, very loud guys showing up in a few hours that were going to make thought impossible over the next few days. Maybe that would be a good thing.

With a groan, I glanced over at my clock.

_10:04_

I sat up and stretched, sighing before I pushed myself off the bed and pulled on my clothes from last night. When I made it to the hallway, Bella's door was still closed. I stepped toward it and listened, but I didn't hear anything from inside. Were they still asleep?

For a moment, I imagined what would happen if the guys showed up right _then_. I could just see it…Felix would barrel down the hallway with Jake and Quil on his heels and throw open Bella's door on his way to wake her up…

And find a dazed and confused Edward lying there with his hands on Bella.

I grinned evilly at the thought. It was _so_ tempting. Just to see the look of shock on their faces and the terror that would soon be on Edward's…

But I couldn't do that to Bella. Or Edward.

I realized that second one with a start, and then I smiled when I understood what it meant. Instead of trying to force myself to trust Edward, somewhere in the night, I'd just started doing it.

Maybe I wasn't such an ass after all.

I raised my hand and knocked lightly on her door, calling out softly, "Bells?"

I listened but didn't hear anything for a minute. Finally, footsteps approached the door, too heavy to be Bella's, and I took a step back. The door swung open, and Edward was standing there, his hand scratching the back of his head as he blinked and gave a huge yawn.

I bit back a grin. That was just the confused, sleepy look I'd imagined Felix finding.

I looked past him to Bella, who was sitting up in bed smiling at me. She looked…damn good, actually. She'd had a good night's sleep, and there was no trace of anxiety on her face. Surely she'd told him…right?

Edward's mouth finally closed, and he mumbled, "Sorry," his voice thick with sleep.

I smiled at both of them and said, "Hey, sorry to wake you…it's around ten, Bells."

Bella groaned and flopped back on the bed dramatically, her arms sprawled out above her head. "I have way too much shit to do," she sighed.

Edward and I both chuckled, and I glanced up at him to see a smile on his face as he looked at her. I analyzed it for a second and realized how bright his eyes were. Huh. Alice was right…he really did just fucking love Bella.

_Guess it's time to start that whole being nice thing, huh?_

_I guess…_

"Umm…I'm going to go make some coffee, I think. Want some, Edward?" I asked.

It was a kind of crappy start, but at least it was a start.

He smiled and glanced away from Bella for a moment. "Yeah, I could use some coffee…I'll be out in a couple of minutes, okay?"

I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded, turning to walk down the hallway. I heard the door click shut again, and I couldn't decide if what I felt was irrational overprotective dad anger or appropriate best friend brotherly disgust at Bella being behind a closed bedroom door with a now very alert Edward.

As I walked into the kitchen, I glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and started putting the coffee on.

_10:07_

I leaned against the counter, watching the little green numbers on the microwave as they climbed higher and higher. The coffee was long since done, though I hadn't poured a cup, when I heard Bella's door open again.

The numbers told me it was now 10:24.

_A couple of minutes my ass._

That was definitely overprotective dad grumbling now, so I tried to ignore it as Edward walked into the kitchen. He'd obviously washed his face and cleaned up a bit, so I felt a little better about the length of time he'd been in Bella's room, but I was still dying to know what had been going on.

At the same time, I wanted nothing more than to remain blissfully unaware.

Was this how Bella had felt over the years, or was this just some of my weirdness?

I pushed away from the counter and grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, filling them silently. I handed one to Edward before I opened the refrigerator to grab the milk. I poured a bit into my cup and held it out to him questioningly.

He said, "Thanks," and took it, adding the same amount to his mug as well. As he put the milk back, I got a spoon from the silverware drawer and opened the sugar canister, adding a spoonful to my cup.

"Do you take sugar?" I asked.

He said, "Sometimes," and took a spoon from the drawer. He put a single spoonful of sugar into his coffee as well, and we moved to lean against opposite counters as we stirred. At the same time, we tapped our spoons on the rims of our mugs and set them on the counter to take a sip of our coffee.

It was kind of funny, in a creepy sort of way.

I was trying to think of something to say that didn't involve some version of "What are your intentions with my daughter?" but I was coming up blank.

Edward broke the silence, saying, "Bella's taking a shower…"

I nodded, staring ahead as I sipped my coffee.

"Jasper?" His voice drew my gaze, and I saw he'd set his mug on the counter and was looking at me earnestly. He waited until I met his eyes and then said, "I don't know how you fucking did it, but thank you. You must've gone through hell with her. I could barely take hearing about it last night, so I can only imagine the nightmare it must've been when it first happened – and you were only seventeen. I just needed to tell you that you have my complete respect, and I'm sorry I was a jealous ass to you."

I stood there stunned for a moment, not sure if I'd heard what I thought I heard from him. Something in my chest relaxed as I absorbed his words, and I realized that, strangely, it was a little bit of the guilt I always carried. Why would Edward saying he respected me ease some of my guilt?

I didn't know, but if this were the moment for apologies, then there was definitely something I needed to say too. "Don't worry about being an ass…god knows I was a fucking ass to you, too. I'm sorry about that. And you should know that I respect you, too. You've been so patient with Bella – and with me when I was being a jealous prick. I can't imagine how hard it is to fall in love with someone and be kept in the dark, just to find out that all that shit happened to her. Alice was right about you."

He gave me a small smile that I returned before we both picked up our mugs and took a sip of our coffee. That shit was getting weird.

Our mutual admiration society moment passed, and Edward asked about some of the guys who were coming today. I filled him in a bit on each of them, and I told him a couple of stories of the stupid shit we'd done. We were laughing together when Bella came into the kitchen freshly showered. She bit her bottom lip and walked deliberately to Edward, hugging him tightly around the waist as he kissed the top of her head. I smiled at them before Bella stepped back and asked what we wanted for breakfast.

She laughed when I said French toast and then asked what we'd been talking about. I pulled my phone from my pocket and called to invite Alice over for breakfast with us while Edward filled her in. As we stood around and watched her cook, all three of us talking, I realized that – for once – it felt good having Edward there.


	21. The Horde Descends

_**A/N:**__ Definitely don't own anything you recognize._

_More A/N at the end_

----------

**EPOV**

I closed Bella's door without looking back at Jasper, my eyes focused only on the beautiful woman sprawled across the bed. That damn X-Men t-shirt had ridden up and her pants were low on her hips, exposing her pale abdomen and the sexiest fucking hip bones I'd ever seen. Her arms were thrown over her head, resting across both our pillows as she stared at the ceiling.

When Jasper knocked on the door, we'd both jumped. I don't know about Bella, but I know I'd been confused as hell at first. As soon as I felt her in my arms, I knew exactly where I was, and I chose to stay there for a moment before I got up to answer the door. It had taken a lot to make me move away from her once she nuzzled her head under my chin.

I didn't really want us to remember our first morning waking up together as being jarred out of bed by Jasper, so I walked over to where Bella was lying and crawled back into bed. I lay on my side, my arm folded under my head with her elbow just inches from my face. She felt my weight settle on the bed and turned on her side to look at me with a small smile.

"Morning…" she said quietly, "Did you sleep okay?"

I felt the smile spreading on my face as I whispered, "Best sleep I've had in a long time…you?" I couldn't stand not touching her anymore, so I rested my hand lightly on her hip, watching her eyes to make sure she was still okay with it.

"Mmm…" was all she said as her eyes drifted closed and she shifted on the bed, moving close to me. She slipped her arm around my waist and rested her cheek against my chest while my arm tightened around her waist, pulling her even closer to hug her as her knee slid naturally between mine.

We both felt it at the same time.

Bella froze, and her hand fisted the back of my shirt as she became fully aware of my arousal for the first time.

_Fuck._

My breath caught as I froze with her. All of my worry about what to do about this particular problem had been forgotten in the comfort of holding Bella during the night, and now I was shoved into the situation with no clue how to handle it. In that instant, I decided that I had been right – Bella needed to know. She needed to understand that I wanted her, but it didn't control me.

Decision made, albeit really fucking hastily, I finally exhaled and began rubbing gently up and down her back, trying to comfort her and let her know I was there and I loved her. Slowly, she lifted her head, pushing away a bit to look at me. Her eyes met mine, and I saw a trace of fear there, but I also saw curiosity and - I thought - even a bit of desire.

We stared at each other in silence, and I realized I was counting the seconds in my head. Bella's abdomen was still pressed against my hips, and her heat was doing nothing to help the situation – but neither was that faint hint of longing in her eyes. I waited for her to break the silence, letting her work through whatever was going on in her mind. I was dying to ask her, and I wished like hell I could just know what she was thinking, but I waited as patiently as I could.

Finally, she glanced away, her cheeks blooming red with her blush as she bit her bottom lip and stammered, "Is it…I…I mean…is it…because it's…umm…morning?"

_Fucking hell._

Of course she would know about morning wood. She'd lived with Jasper for five years – how could she have remained oblivious?

_Dude, just say yes. She gets it._

_But that's not why…_

_Doesn't matter. Just say yes._

"Ahh…no…not really…" I said, feeling my own cheeks heat as I kept rubbing Bella's back.

_What the fuck, man?_

_What? It's true._

I could hear my voices grumbling as if I'd betrayed them.

Bella's eyes returned to mine before she said, "Then…what…?" The look of curiosity was now mingled with uncertainty, but at least they were winning out over her fear.

I glanced away from her, now agreeing with my voices.

_Should've fucking said it was just morning wood._

_Oh, _now_ you get it. Asshole._

"It's…" I began and then cleared my throat when my voice came out a strangled squeak. "It's because…" I looked back at her, and the sight of her eyes gazing into mine unhinged me. My words spewed out quickly. "It's because I'm lying in bed, holding the most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I love you and…" _I want you. So badly_. I shrugged and trailed off, unable to say the last words. I did manage to keep my eyes on her, though I wanted nothing more than to look away.

And maybe go crawl into a hole and hide.

_Why can't I just tell her I want her? _

_God, I'm a fourteen-year-old boy embarrassed because his girlfriend caught him with a boner._

_Well…Bella usually turns you into a twelve-year-old girl, right? We're making progress._

_Fuck off._

I closed my eyes, lost in my own mortification, but after awhile, I felt Bella's fingers caressing my cheek. I looked back at her and saw concern and love on her face. She was worried about me. Her expression and her touch helped me relax and gave me the courage I needed to admit, "I want you, Bella." The words were spoken quietly, but it gave me a small thrill to finally say them out loud.

She didn't say anything, though her fingers continued their exploration of my face. She traced my cheekbones and my jaw, running her thumb across my lower lip. It was maddening not to know what she was thinking when she looked at me that way.

It was maddening not to be able to kiss her when she was so close.

Her expression was unreadable, but she didn't move away from me, and the way she was touching me told me that she was okay with the feeling of me pressed against her. My thumb rubbed gently along her back while I kept my palm flat against the small of her back, holding her close.

She ran her fingers down my neck, following the curve of my shoulder before they trailed down my arm, and her hand came to rest on my hip. Still, she said nothing.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" I finally asked quietly, unable to take the silence.

Her brow furrowed, and she bit her bottom lip as she kept her gaze focused on my eyes. She looked as though she was trying to solve a puzzle, and she didn't answer at first. When she spoke, her voice was a hushed whisper that echoed mine. "Is umm…is this the…the first time?"

I nearly groaned. Could this get any more embarrassing for me? As it was, I couldn't stop the sigh that escaped, but I decided to just get it out there. She needed to understand this. And, honestly, I took her curiosity as a good sign – talking about it calmly was probably the best reaction I could hope for. Maybe it meant she was open to the possibility as well. "No, it ahh…it isn't. It's actually kind of…often…around you…"

_Yeah, like every fucking second._

The heat on my cheeks just added to my humiliation, and I had to glance away. I looked over her head, staring at the wall on the other side of the bed.

"I think I like that you want me…" She began, drawing my eyes again. I watched as her expression became sheepish and unsure before she finally continued, "but…why…?"

I didn't understand her question at all, but she didn't look like she was planning to continue it. "Why…what, love?" I asked, finally moving my hand to brush the hair from her forehead. I tucked the lock behind her ear before I slowly returned my hand to its place on her back.

Her blush deepened, and she looked away, staring down at my chest. "Why haven't you tried to…do…anything?"

My hand stilled as I tried to decide how best to answer her question. I thought it was more important to be honest with her here than on maybe any other point. Pretending her problem didn't exist wasn't going to help either of us, but I didn't want her to feel awkward or self-conscious. It wasn't her fault – it was just something we were going to have to work through together.

_God, please let her want to work through it. _

Her question made me vaguely uneasy for another reason, but it took me a minute to figure out why. Then I heard the echo of Tanya's voice in my mind.

"_If you want me so bad, then why don't you ever try to touch me? I always have to start everything. What's wrong with you? Is it me? Am I that ugly?"_

I clenched my jaw and stared ahead, willing the memories away. Bella wasn't asking the same thing, was she? How the hell was I supposed to make her feel safe and let her know just how much I wanted her at the same time? I mean…fuck, sometimes the strength of my desire for her scared _me_.

"Hey…" Bella's gentle voice cut through my turmoil as her hand cupped my cheek. "Are you okay?"

I stared into her deep brown eyes and saw nothing but concern. There was no hurt, no accusation. She was such a good, caring person. I still didn't understand so much of this – how could she still be this way after all she'd been through? What in the world made her love me? I was overcome with the force of my emotions for her, and I ached to express that love physically, to connect with her in every way possible.

I had never felt that way before.

Bella was waiting for me to answer, but there were no words for what I needed to say. Never before had I actually _needed_ so badly to kiss someone. I wanted nothing more than to pull her on top of me and spend the rest of the day kissing her…touching her…exploring her…learning her. For once, it wasn't wholly or even mostly physical – this was an emotional need to be close to her. And it was something I couldn't act on.

I wanted to growl in frustration.

Or maybe cry.

Instead, I gently rubbed her back again and focused on breathing evenly. As I calmed, I began to speak quietly, deciding honesty was more important than choosing my words carefully. "I haven't tried anything because I'm not sure what you're ready for…I can't stand the thought of scaring you, Bella. You're going to have to tell me what you're thinking…what you want…but-" I shut my mouth quickly, deciding at the last second not to continue.

I was too afraid of the answer to the question I started to ask.

I lifted my chin, again looking over Bella's head at the wall behind her. It was such a strange contradiction – I had never been happier than I was here, holding her, but at the same time, I felt like I was on the verge of my world crumbling. We had finally reached the point where I would know, absolutely, how Bella thought of me, and I suddenly wasn't sure I could handle it.

"Edward, whatever it is, you can tell me." I heard the faint tremor in her voice and looked back to her quickly. She put on a brave face, but I could see the fear in her eyes, this time of a different sort.

"Oh Bella, sweetheart…it's nothing like that, I swear." I didn't even know what she could possibly be worried about, but this one was totally my insecurity. It had nothing to do with her. She gave a small smile but didn't look convinced. I sighed.

_Fuck it. Ask her._

"I was just going to ask…" I looked away with a small shake of my head before I looked back at her. I couldn't quite meet her eye, so I was staring at her lips when I asked, "Bella, do you…want _me_…at all?"

She didn't answer, and I watched as she bit her bottom lip. My hopes fell with every second that passed, making me wonder if she was trying to find a way to tell me that she didn't see me that way.

_Shit, maybe I _am_ another Jasper._

Before my thoughts could travel much further, I saw Bella tentatively lick her lips as she shifted. I stayed utterly still, confused by what she was doing as she came toward me. I lifted my eyes to hers just as she moved too close for me to see her clearly, and she pressed her lips gently against my cheek, just at the corner of my mouth. She hovered there for a moment. I heard her breathing speed just as mine did before I saw her give a soft smile.

She settled back on the bed, a look of quiet triumph on her face. Her eyes were earnest as she said, "When I said you made me want to try again, I meant try…everything. Edward…" She blushed but kept her eyes on mine. "I want you, too. Like I've never wanted anyone else…I…" she trailed off again with a small smile. Her voice was barely a whisper when she finished, "I don't know how to do any of this, but sometimes I want you so badly, I can't stand it…"

Her admission stunned me for a moment, and I sat staring like an idiot at her before a smile spread slowly across my lips as well. I pulled her closer, my hand moving up her back to tangle in her hair as I kissed her forehead. Bella's arm around my waist tightened, and she began rubbing my back gently, just as I had hers. We held each other in silence until Bella sighed contentedly and squeezed me before relaxing. I loosened my hold on her and moved my head back to look at her.

Her eyes held more questions, but her admission had calmed me. The knot of tension that I carried with me everywhere was unraveling, leaving me with a strange mingling of amazement and reassurance. Bella's words were at once shocking and unexpected…and yet simply an affirmation of what I'd already known.

So, for once, it was without trepidation that I asked quietly, "What is it, Bella?"

She blushed and glanced away before peeking back up at me shyly, piquing my curiosity. "I just was wondering if umm…well, if it would be alright if…" she broke off as her blush deepened, and she actually gave a small giggle.

_What the fuck?_

_But god, she's adorable, isn't she?_

I sensed the mental eye roll.

"If…?" I prompted gently.

Bella took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes as she whispered, "I was wondering if it would be okay if…I introduced you to the guys as umm…as my boyfriend?"

I felt a fluttering of excitement in my stomach at her words.

_Bella wants to be my girlfriend!_

_Oh, I see the twelve-year-old girl is back…_

_Dude, shut the fuck up. Seriously._

I tried to contain myself as I said, "I'd really like that…" My smile broadened at the giddy look on her face. I loved seeing her smile like that, so I admitted, "I really wished you were going to last night actually."

Her smile turned sheepish as she said, "I nearly did," with a soft laugh.

I laughed with her, and her embarrassment slowly faded. We lay there for a little while, watching each other and just enjoying the freedom that came with all of our admissions – and with having those feelings returned. Our conversation turned to lighter topics before Bella finally sighed and said she should probably get ready. She teased me, saying Jasper was going to drink all the coffee himself if I didn't get out there.

To be honest, I'd completely forgotten about him. I glanced at the alarm clock on her nightstand and saw it was getting close to 10:30. I was sure Bella and I had been talking for more than the couple of minutes I'd promised, but it didn't matter. There was nothing that could touch my mood today.

_Bella wants me. _My inner voice was strutting._ And she's my girlfriend._

I couldn't decide whether to snicker or strut with it. Bella sat up, and I couldn't help but pout at the sense of loss as her body moved away from mine. She giggled at me and crawled off the bed. I rolled over onto my back and propped myself up on my elbows as I watched her go into her closet.

My new position made me suddenly aware of just how full my bladder was, so with a groan, I pushed myself off the bed and stretched. I wandered into the bathroom, deciding to wash my face as I waited for my hard on to abate. I was sobered somewhat when I saw the washcloth and shirt floating in the murky water, and I was suddenly very glad that I'd come in here first. I squeezed the water from them one by one, placing them on the counter as I let the water drain. Glancing into the shower, I saw the empty towel rack and spread them out over it with a small frown.

I turned back to the mirror and raised my eyes to study my own reflection. Bella hadn't freaked out this morning, so I figured I couldn't look too bad. I leaned a little closer, noticing that my nose was swollen, making it look a little crooked, and a bruise was forming under my left eye. My contacts were gummy – again – and my eyes were bloodshot. I didn't look great, but it was better than it could have been. I smiled a little and shook my head. Bella definitely had a mean right hook.

I shrugged and quickly scrubbed my face and rinsed my mouth out before I tried to tame my hair. It wasn't happening. With a sigh, I used the restroom and washed my hands before I walked back into Bella's room.

She was sitting on the edge of her bed with a pile of clothes in her lap, smiling at me.

_She is so beautiful…_

Her hair was a mess from sleeping, but her eyes were bright, and that damn X-Men shirt was clinging to her in all the right places. I walked over and leaned down, placing a kiss on the top of her head. As I was straightening, she reached up and pulled me into a hug, her arms wrapped around my waist with her cheek pressing against my abdomen.

_Good fucking god._

Clearly, Bella still didn't quite get the effect she had on me. I smiled and tried to keep my thoughts innocent as my hand rested on the back of her head. I ran my fingers through her hair once, and she looked up at me with a smile before she let me go.

"Guess I should get ready," she said with a grimace.

I grinned at her as we spoke, but my thoughts were becoming harder to control as I promised myself a nice, hot shower back at my apartment - and for once, I didn't feel like an ass about it.

I left Bella's bedroom as she went into the bathroom and made my way down the hallway. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the fragrance of the coffee as I came around the corner into the kitchen. Jasper was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed and a stormy look on his face. He seemed to be trying to control it as he silently got out two mugs and began pouring coffee for us.

_Great. Please not back to this._

I was silent as we fixed our coffee, and I tried to hide my amusement at the small habits we seemed to have in common. My mood was soaring this morning, but Jasper had obviously had a rough night. So far the only time he'd spoken was to ask me if I took sugar. He was thinking hard about something, but I wasn't sure if he was going to make a decision anytime soon, and I really felt like there were a few things I needed to say to him.

After hearing Bella's story last night, I was a little bit in awe of Jasper and the way he'd always stuck by her. I hoped that he'd get over whatever problems he had with me soon, but my annoyance over that didn't negate the gratitude I felt for him.

I set my mug on the counter as I leaned against it, resting my hands on either side of my hips. I opened my mouth to thank him, but what I said was, "Bella's taking a shower…"

_Nice job, chickenshit._

_Yeah, probably not the best idea to taunt him about knowing Bella's in the shower._

Jasper just stared ahead, sipping his coffee as he gave a very slight nod.

I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath before I tried again. "Jasper?"

I waited until he finally looked at me. His expression was unreadable, so I just started speaking, trying to get out everything that seemed important to tell him. "I don't know how you fucking did it, but thank you. You must've gone through hell with her. I could barely take hearing about it last night, so I can only imagine the nightmare it must've been when it first happened – and you were only seventeen. I just needed to tell you that you have my complete respect, and I'm sorry I was a jealous ass to you."

His eyes widened, and he stared at me in silence for a minute. I was beginning to get a little uncomfortable, but I saw the way his face seemed to be relaxing. Something was happening to him. He looked…happier, somehow. Huh. It was good to know that something I said mattered that much to him.

He suddenly spoke, saying, "Don't worry about being an ass…god knows I was a fucking ass to you, too. I'm sorry about that. And you should know that I respect you, too. You've been so patient with Bella – and with me when I was being a jealous prick. I can't imagine how hard it is to fall in love with someone and be kept in the dark, just to find out that all that shit happened to her. Alice was right about you."

It was my turn to feel stunned as I listened to him. It felt damn good to know he'd seen and appreciated the way I cared for Bella. When I heard him mention falling in love, I gave a small smile, just happy that he could see that too.

There wasn't really anything else to be said right then, so I picked up my mug and sipped my coffee, trying not to grin when he did the same thing. We started talking about the guys that were coming down, and I filed away what information I could. He was telling me a story about one of the guys getting shot in the balls with a paintball gun when I heard Bella's door open.

"So Paul squeaks like a fucking mouse – swear to god – and falls over in slow motion. And Quil's standing ten feet away with the gun still pointed at him, laughing his ass off…" Jasper trailed off as Bella came into the kitchen. She walked straight to me and hugged me tightly around the waist. I smiled and kissed the top of her head, and I could just feel the change between us. She was so much more confident – so much of that uncertainty was gone. For both of us.

Bella pulled away and stepped back, sweeping her hair up into that little bun as she asked what we wanted for breakfast. I was about to suggest we go out to eat when Jasper said, "French toast!" and she laughed at him. She glanced over at me with one eyebrow raised, and I shrugged with a smile. I didn't even know what else she could make yet, but I knew she liked to cook.

Jasper pulled his phone from his pocket just as Bella said, "So what were you guys talking about?"

I started telling her the story, and she snorted as she shook her head. She said, "Oh, that's not the funny part…the funny part was the retaliation. I won't even get into it, but it involved wax, food coloring, and certain parts of Quil's anatomy that I never want to see."

I didn't even want to imagine how much that shit would hurt, and we all three laughed together as Jasper hung up the phone. He told us Alice was already on her way over and hopped up on the counter to talk. I noticed that for the first time, he really seemed to be trying to get to know me. He asked me questions and told me more stories, and I caught Bella glancing over at us with a quiet smile several times.

Suddenly, he said, "Shit, I better take a shower," and hopped down. He walked over to Bella and tickled her ribs, leaning down to whisper something. She squirmed out of reach and then beamed up at him as she said quietly, "It's okay, Jazz…I understand." She turned around, and they hugged briefly. He gave her a small smile before he nodded and turned to leave. He clapped me on the shoulder as he was walking past.

That was definitely new.

My eyes were a little wider than normal as I asked Bella if she needed any help. She glanced over her shoulder at me and told me it would be great if I'd set the table. As I gathered plates and silverware and walked into the dining room, I couldn't help the stupid grin on my face. I could get used to breakfast with Bella every morning.

She was humming to herself when I finished and walked back into the kitchen. I leaned against the counter and watched her with a smile until a knock on the door signaled Alice's arrival.

I went to let my little sister in, and she grinned up at me when I answered the door. "What?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Fancy seeing you here…" she said with a twinkle in her eyes.

I rolled my eyes but smiled as she hugged me. We spoke for a couple of minutes at the door before we walked to the kitchen together just as Jasper emerged from his bathroom. Bella was leaning against the counter watching as they kissed, and I moved to stand beside her, leaning back as well. I reached behind her, resting my palm on the counter on the other side of her. She smiled at me and moved a little closer, putting her arm around my waist.

The smallest touches from Bella sent thrills through me - I loved that she was becoming more comfortable. Her fingers tenderly caressed my side, and I moved my hand from the counter to her waist, squeezing her gently. Jasper disentangled himself from Alice, smiling when he saw us standing with our arms around each other. Whatever his issues with me were, he seemed to be getting over them.

"I'm fucking starving," he announced, going over to pick up the huge platter of French toast. Bella laughed at him and shook her head, and she and I fixed glasses of milk for everyone. Alice picked up the plate of bacon and kept the conversation going as we all moved into the dining room. I was struck by how natural it all felt; it seemed like we'd been doing this for years.

Bella seemed to cook for an army, but we somehow made a huge dent in the food and were finishing, just sitting around talking and picking at the last of our breakfast, when I heard Duran Duran playing from somewhere. I listened, trying to figure out where it was coming from, as Bella jumped up and patted her pockets.

_Straddle the line in discord and rhyme_

_I'm on the hunt; I'm after you_

"Fuck," she muttered absently and did a weird little running skip into the living room.

_Mouth is alive with juices like wine_

_And I'm hungry like –_

"What's up, Jake?" came Bella's voice as the song cut off suddenly.

_Hungry Like the Wolf? What the fuck?_

I glanced over at Jasper, and he shrugged at me with an expression that clearly said, _Yup._

So this Jake guy _was_ into Bella. Good to know.

I frowned, twisting the corner of my napkin between my fingers on top of the table as I waited for her to come back into the room. Jasper and Alice were talking, making it difficult to hear what Bella was saying. Her conversation was short, though, and she returned soon.

"They actually left on time for once," she told Jasper as she began clearing the table. I stood and helped her with Alice and Jasper following close behind, and together we made short work of the dishes.

Though I didn't want to leave, I wanted to be cleaned up and back before the guys arrived, so I went to Bella's room to change back into my jeans. I looked around for a hamper for Jasper's flannel pants and found one in the closet. When I lifted the lid, the edge of a blue lace bra was peeking out from beneath one of Bella's long-sleeved t-shirts.

_God damn._

And I thought the white satin was bad. I tossed the pants in and quickly replaced the lid, deciding I really needed to get home for that shower soon.

As I walked back out into the hallway, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time and found I had nine unread text messages and two missed calls.

_Nine? What the fuck?_

I flipped the phone open to find a series of messages, all from Emmett. I stopped where I was and opened the first.

_Took Rosalie home. Need to talk to you – call me._

Uh oh. I wished I could tell his tone from the message but no such luck, so I flipped to the next.

_Seriously dude. Where are you?_

I wasn't sure whether I should be worried or amused, but amusement won out as his messages became longer and more insistent. Besides, if it was really serious, he would've come back over last night. I opened the last one.

_Edward. Remember that dude in college that took a cleat to the nuts and had to have one amputated? Yeah, that will look pleasant compared to what I'll do to you if you don't. Answer. The. Goddamn. Phone. Need to talk to you, fucker._

I winced, and my hand automatically covered my dick as I hissed. I'd been playing in a soccer game my sophomore year when one of our players tripped just as a forward for the other team reached him. There had been blood everywhere, and his scream had haunted me for weeks – both sides had played very carefully for the rest of the game. I'm sure it had to have been funny to watch us all turn and cover ourselves if we got too close, but we weren't taking any chances.

I shook my head as I started walking again, flipping through the menus to check the time of the messages. They'd started at 3:12 this morning, and the last was at 6:06. I wondered if Emmett had stayed up that entire time.

Seeing that it was now 11:19, I took my phone off silent, dropped it back into my pocket, and went into the living room to say good bye to Bella. She stood as I walked in and came over, slipping her hand into mine. I waved to Jasper and Alice before Bella walked me to the door.

She stepped outside with me, and I leaned down to hug her, holding her close for a moment. It still felt so good just to be able to touch her whenever I wanted. I smiled quietly when Bella placed a small kiss on my cheek.

"I love you," I told her as I straightened.

She blushed and smiled at me brightly as she said, "I love you too, Edward."

_Just fucking kiss her, for the love of god._

I clenched my jaw at the unexpected urge and took a small step back, telling Bella good bye as I relaxed enough to smile at her. She leaned against the door frame just as she'd done the morning after I met her and watched me walk to my car and get inside.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I held it up to Bella and waved. She nodded and smiled at me before she waved and went back into the apartment. I settled back in my seat and scrolled through the phonebook to call Emmett.

He answered on the third ring with a muffled, "Took you fucking long enough."

"Em, man, is everything okay?" I asked.

I heard static and a groan as Emmett sat up, but his voice became clearer when he said, "Fuck, man, I don't know."

I frowned. I'd never heard Emmett sound so unsure about anything. "What's wrong?"

He sighed loudly on the other end and said, "Nothing's wrong. I don't think. Fuck!"

I couldn't help the amused smile that began spreading on my lips as I wondered if this had anything to do with Rosalie.

Before I could ask, he said, "Shit, man, can we meet for lunch or something?"

I told him we could, and we arranged to meet up for pizza in an hour. I felt nearly sick at the thought of eating after all that French toast, but I figured I could at least meet him and talk about whatever was bothering him. I had a strong suspicion that the something had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and a body that Emmett couldn't get out of his mind.

After I hung up the phone, I tossed it into the passenger seat and headed to my apartment. As I drove, I thought about the way my life had changed in the past twenty-four hours. There was way too much to take in at once, and I found myself focusing on little things, like the way Bella's voice sounded when she first woke up and the sweet smile she'd given me when she told me she loved me for the first time.

Darker thoughts of James and what Bella had been through skirted the edge of my mind, but I worked to keep them away. I knew eventually they would break through, but it was too soon, and there was too much I needed to get through today. My fingers flexed on the steering wheel as I forced myself instead to think about the new level of comfort between Bella and me. Last night had been such a strange mixture of terrible and wonderful at once, but the outcome made me happier than I ever remembered being.

I kept my thoughts in those happier places as I drove, and before I knew it, I had parked and was twirling my keys around my finger as I walked to my front door. When I stepped inside, my apartment had a strange, empty feeling, almost as if I'd been gone on a long trip. A hush hung in the air, and the sound of my keys hitting the counter seemed to reverberate. I really hadn't been gone that long, but so much had changed. I felt like a different man, and I was seeing the place with different eyes.

Walking into the living room, I went over to my docked iPod and scrolled through my songs, looking for something to break the silence. Nothing seemed to fit my mood at first, and I grumbled until I saw the perfect song. I started it and then looked around as I straightened back up. For the first time ever, the empty mantle bothered me, and I realized there were no pictures anywhere in the room. I frowned slightly and shook my head again before I went to the bathroom, singing, "Don't worry - I'm not looking at you, gorgeous and dressed in blue…"

I didn't have a lot of time before I was supposed to meet Emmett, so I started the shower and stripped down to my boxers. As I waited for the water to heat, I took out my contacts and rinsed them with saline before putting them back in. I was probably begging for a headache later, but I refused to wear my glasses with all of Bella's guy friends coming into town. I leaned in toward the mirror, running my hand along the stubble on my jaw as I decided to shave even though I hated it. I made a face at the bruise that was definitely spreading beneath my eye.

_Nothing like a black eye from your girlfriend when you meet her friends._

It was a little ridiculous, but I was determined to look the best I could when I met them. I wanted to look good for Bella too. There was nothing like the feeling I got when she looked at me with desire so clear on her face.

With the memory of Bella's eyes on me, I let my boxers fall to the floor and stepped into the shower. The water was as hot as I could stand it, helping relax me at the same time that it reminded me of the heat of her body pressed against mine. I gave a small groan that was equal parts contentment and frustration as I thought of her hands rubbing my back and her leg between mine. During the night, her small movements had caused her shirt to lift, leaving my palm pressed against the smooth, supple skin of her side. I could still feel it beneath my fingertips, and I focused on the memory, biting my lip as I closed my eyes.

Holding her last night had been so new – I had never slept beside someone I loved before. It was a feeling unlike any other, and it just made me want her more. Standing here alone, I gave in to the overwhelming urge I'd felt this morning to pull her on top of me, and I imagined Bella straddling me as she leaned forward to kiss me. That deep blue lace bra stood in stark contrast to her creamy skin as my hands roamed her back, pulling her closer as I lifted my head to kiss the swell of her breasts. I began to touch myself almost teasingly, my fingers barely closing around my cock as I stroked slowly.

Bella moved to my jaw, nibbling and sucking gently as slid herself down my body. Her hands explored my chest as her delicious heat settled over my cock, and I squeezed harder with the imagined pressure her movements would bring. Her hips rocked slowly as her lips journeyed over my shoulders while I matched my strokes to her rhythm. Her lips met mine again as I reached behind her, unhooking her bra and letting it fall down her arms. That light sheen of sweat from the gym worked its way into my fantasies, and I saw her pale skin glistening as she moved above me. I licked along her collarbone, tasting the salty sweetness that was my Bella while the movement of her hips brought me to a near-frenzy.

The images were becoming more disjointed as my pumps became more erratic. I twisted my wrist and ran my thumb along the rim of my head, seeing flashes in my mind of Bella's eyes, her face in ecstasy, her body joined with mine. Finally, I could think no more and simply gave myself over to the sensations of pressure and much-needed friction along my length as I panted. I felt the tension building deep inside as my muscles tensed before I came with a desperate growl.

I felt weak and my vision was blurry as I leaned back against the wall of the shower, tilting my head up and looking at the ceiling. My fantasies of Bella had become more graphic with each discovery I made about her, and my need to know her in every way was growing.

Once my breathing slowed again, I pushed away from the wall and picked up my soap, washing as I thought about everything else going on today. I was careful to keep my mind away from thoughts like these normally, but I gave myself over to them completely when I was in the shower. It helped keep me sane and as relaxed as I could be the rest of the time, and it let me focus more clearly on what Bella needed from me when I was with her.

And today, Bella would need me to not be a jealous ass when I met her friends. I grimaced at the thought and gave a resigned sigh as I remembered the picture by her computer. I thought through the names of her friends again, but I knew I forgot one or two. Jake, I remembered clearly. He was the one who had given her a hard time about something the night I watched her raid, and he was also the one who had called today. I hoped he wouldn't try to cause problems, but if he did, I knew I could definitely fucking solve them for him.

I realized I was scowling as I went to wash my hair and forced myself to think about something else. I didn't even know how this Jake guy was going to act. There was no sense in getting myself all worked up about it. Instead, I thought about Emmett's texts and the way he'd sounded on the phone. I didn't know what, exactly, was bothering him, but he obviously needed to talk, which meant I needed to get over there. I shaved as quickly as I could without nicking myself and rinsed my face as the water began cooling.

Stepping out, I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist as I listened to the music from the living room. The volume was a little low, so it took me a few seconds to place the song. When I heard, "Thanks for all you've shown us," and the guitar riffs that followed, I smiled and began singing with it, my fingers moving over imaginary strings as I went to get dressed.

I walked into my closet singing, "Things were better then, once but never again…" Inside, I ran my fingers through my hair and frowned as I looked at my shirts. I wasn't really sure what everyone else would be wearing, but we were just planning to hang out at Bella's. Still, I didn't want to look like a total slob, and it definitely wouldn't hurt to dress up a bit for my girlfriend.

I was grinning like a fucking idiot at the term as I pulled my thin black henley from its hanger. It fit me well and showed off my chest and arms but wouldn't look like I was trying too hard. I had to laugh at myself – I had never put so much thought into what I was wearing just to go spend the night in somewhere.

Ridiculous.

But the reason for it was anything but ridiculous, so I just shrugged and grabbed a clean pair of jeans from my shelf. After I dressed, I went back into the bathroom to look in the mirror. I ran my fingers through my hair and then just fucking ignored it. Once again, I grimaced at the bruise Bella had given me, but I didn't think it was too noticeable. I really just hoped it wouldn't upset her.

I stood back and straightened my shirt, thinking Alice would be proud of me. She was always after me to pay more attention to how I looked. And I looked…pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. I hoped Bella would like it.

I remembered the way she sounded when she said, "Sometimes I want you so badly, I can't stand it…" and actually shivered.

_God damn._

I rolled my eyes as I adjusted myself.

_Mind out of the fucking gutter, Cullen._

I flipped off the bathroom light and sat on the edge of my bed to put on my socks and shoes. From the other room, I heard, "I am just a new boy, stranger in this town," making me laugh as I finished tying my shoes. I walked into the living room and shut down the iPod just as it was singing, "Will some woman in this desert land make me feel like a real man?" Rolling my eyes, I shook my head and chuckled before I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.

The drive to the pizza parlor was short. I picked up my phone and hopped out of the car, looking around the parking lot for Emmett's Jeep. When I didn't see it, I glanced down at my phone to check the time and realized I was actually early for once. _Huh._

It was only by a few minutes, and Emmett was always right on time, so I decided to go inside. I got our table and ordered a beer for each of us. I was just taking the first sip of mine when he wandered in.

From the hours of text messages, I knew he couldn't have slept very much, so I'd been expecting him to look like shit. I'd even been ready to give him hell about not shaving and wearing the nasty ass UDub sweatshirt he always put on when he was hungover. Instead, a freshly shaven Emmett walked over to me wearing a pale blue sweater and one of those weird flat hats like he was fucking Brad Pitt. I arched an eyebrow in amusement and waited for him to sit.

He didn't even glance at me, just picked up his beer and drained half of it in one pull. When he finally looked up, he said, "So where the fuck were you last night?"

I answered with, "What the fuck is that on your head?"

"A newsboy cap," he said flatly and then looked at me pointedly.

"I stayed at Bella's last night," I answered just as matter-of-factly.

Emmett choked and sprayed beer across the table, thankfully falling a few inches short of me.

"Thanks," I said dryly. "Your confidence is overwhelming."

"Goddamn it," he muttered as he wiped his mouth and mopped up the mess. "How the hell did that happen? Tell me you didn't…" He trailed off suggestively, and I was surprised to see that there was a trace of anger in his eyes. Normally he was all about me getting laid.

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "Of course not, you douche. We haven't even kissed yet…not really."

His eyes narrowed as he studied me shrewdly and then he nodded. "So how did that happen then? We left when you guys went in her room to talk." I noticed him looking at my nose and the bruise beneath my eye, but he didn't say anything about them.

I thought for a moment about what to say, exactly. How the fuck _did_ that happen anyway? I mean, it made complete sense at the time, but it took so much for us to get to that point. I frowned slightly as I tried to explain, "Well…after you guys left, Bella told me what happened to her." I had to swallow suddenly as a lump formed in my throat. I hadn't really thought about Bella's story since she told me, and now I felt despair for her as a slow, seething rage built in my chest for that motherfucker James.

The waitress chose that moment to appear. My jaw clenched as I worked to calm myself. Emmett asked if I wanted anything, and I managed to shake my head. He ordered a pizza for himself, not even bothering to look at the waitress, who was that same leggy blonde he'd leered at last time. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that Bella was safe at her apartment. She loved me. She wanted me. We'd work through all this shit together, and I would do everything I could to make her life happy.

By the time the blonde left to bring us another round, I was relatively calm again. Emmett was waiting in silence, so I studied the nearly empty bottle in my hands and began peeling the label as I spoke. "So yeah, I know what happened to her now…and god, Em, it's fucked up. I can't imagine going through anything like that, and she's still such a good person. She amazes me. I don't really know how much I can say about it, but I can tell you she's the strongest person I know."

I looked up at him, and he was nodding silently. His eyes were curious, but it was mostly concern that I saw in them as he said quietly, "Is Bella okay?"

Who knew he was such a pansy?

Still, it was my girlfriend he was being all mushy about, so I couldn't give him too much shit. I really appreciated that he was worried about her. I smiled as I told him she was and that we'd talked afterward. I couldn't help myself and was beaming when I said, "She told me she loves me."

"No shit?" Emmett's eyes widened.

I gave a small chuckle and said, "Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome, actually. And then she asked me to stay, so of course I did."

He thought for a minute before he asked, "Where'd you sleep?"

"Well, I was going to sleep in her recliner, but umm…she asked me to hold her. So I did," I said with a shrug.

"Really?" his voice was a little higher than usual.

I nodded.

"Wow," was all Emmett said.

We sat in silence. I debated telling him about the whole wanting and girlfriend conversation as well but decided to keep that to myself.

"See, I told you not to be a pussy," he finally said, and I laughed.

"Yeah, you did," I said. "Thanks. I owe you." I raised an eyebrow as I looked at him. "Speaking of…what happened to you last night? Why the obsessive texting?"

Emmett took off his hat and dropped it beside his beer. He leaned forward with his elbows on the table and ran his hands through his hair. "Fuck man. I don't even know." He shook his head and started telling me how he felt when he first saw Rosalie, and then he stopped short. "By the way, what the hell was up with telling me Jasper got all the looks? I mean Jasper's gorgeous and all, but Rosalie is…" He just shook his head, his eyes wide and his mouth agape like a fucking goldfish. I had never seen Emmett at a loss for how to describe a woman. He always had plenty to say. In detail.

I grinned and told him it had been Bella's idea – I just went along with it because it was too fun to watch her fuck with him. Then I explained that Rosalie had a boyfriend, and I thought it would actually be nicer to just let him not be interested than make him want what he couldn't have.

Emmett cut me off, shaking his head. "She doesn't have a boyfriend."

I figured as much from the bits of conversation I heard last night, so I said, "Well, yeah, but I mean at the time-"

He interrupted again, "No, they broke up in June."

I raised an eyebrow. June? I wondered why Bella didn't know about it then.

The waitress delivered Emmett's pizza, and he put a piece on his plate but left it untouched after she walked away. Before I could ask, Emmett said, "Something happened to her too, man. I don't know what, but I get the feeling that Royce cocksucker was a real ass." He glowered as his hands formed fists on the tabletop.

I frowned with him. The picture was starting to become a little too clear to me, and I felt sick as I realized what must have happened. There was a reason Bella tried to storm out last night, a reason she felt it was time to tell her story.

Strangely, my first thought after I pieced it together was, _Damn, poor Jasper._

His best friend _and_ his twin? No wonder he was a total fucking wreck when Bella and I started spending time together.

While I was lost in thought, Emmett had moved away from talking about whatever had happened to Rosalie and was now telling me about their whole night – his words spilled out so quickly as he talked about how he was instantly attracted to her and how they'd talked for a long time at the diner and forgotten that Alice and Jasper were even there. He looked euphoric as he told me about the shop Rosalie was planning to open, and he even lost me a little bit as he got into the more technical things they'd talked about.

Then he said, "So I drove her back to her hotel, and I swear, man, there was this…this…like…_pull_ between us…" he trailed off, frustrated as he tried to find the words.

I couldn't help it. "You know, a solenoid with an alternating current can break that sort of magnetic pull," I said innocently, remembering the way he'd interrupted me when I was trying to explain how I felt about Bella.

He looked up at me, his eyes narrowing, and my grin finally broke free.

"Dude. Wipe that fucking smirk off your face and help me out here," he said, and I laughed before I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the table. We talked as we slowly drank our beer and Emmett ate his pizza. He'd never really dated the same girl for any length of time, so he was asking advice on everything from how to ask her to where to take her.

It was the blind leading the fucking blind.

At least I had _some_ experience in this area, but I told him, "Look, man, I'm just sort of going with what feels right. I have no clue if I'm doing the right things or not. I just try to put her first and go from there." I shrugged.

Emmett nodded as he listened, but he looked a little lost. I sighed and thought for a moment.

"Alright, look…you're going to have to come up with something that both of you would be interested in. Someplace you'll be comfortable and able to talk because you really want to just get to know her, right?" I waited for him to nod before I continued. "Bella and I went to a comic shop and dinner because she loves them just like I do." It was telling that Emmett didn't grin or taunt me. He just kept nodding like I was a goddamn sage dispensing wisdom upon the masses.

I shook my head with a grin. Good luck listening to me with this shit. "Then you need to ask her on a date officially – not just to hang out or anything. That way, there's no confusion, you know?"

Another nod. Jesus.

"Then just be yourself, man. Do yourself a favor and make sure she knows who you really are," I grimaced.

He ate in silence for a minute, finishing a slice of pizza and washing it down with his beer. He wiped his hands deliberately on his napkin and leaned back, pressing his back against the booth. "Hey umm…" he trailed off.

I was intrigued. There was rarely something Emmett was hesitant to say. "What's up?"

Emmett sighed. "I think I'm good with the whole dating thing, but I've umm…never really, you know, been with someone I care about. How do I do this without fucking up?"

I thought about his question carefully before answering. "Well first," I said bluntly, "keep your dick in your pants. At least for awhile. Just take things slow, you know? Get to know her and see how you both feel without confusing everything with sex." I shrugged. "From there, it's just figuring out what feels right for both of you." I sure as hell sounded like I knew what I was doing. Too bad I was goddamn clueless.

I felt like I had to give him the disclaimer. "I'll be honest. I'm lost most of the time with Bella. Half the time I don't know if what I say is going to make her smile or sob, but what matters is that I want to do it all for her. Get to know Rosalie, and if you do love her, you'll know what to do. Or maybe you'll be a lucky bastard like I am and she'll love you regardless."

He grinned and said, "You are one lucky bastard, that's for sure. Better than that morose cocksucker you used to be."

I laughed with him, and we talked a little while longer before he suddenly looked down at his watch and said, "Oh shit! I gotta go. I'm supposed to pick up Rosalie in ten minutes to take her to Jasper and Bella's."

I snickered at him as he picked up his hat and put it back on. I told him I'd get the check this time, and he stood up, nodding absentmindedly. I was incredibly amused at seeing him this way, and as he walked out without even saying goodbye, I called out, "Go be fucking giddy!"

He flipped me off without turning around.

I laughed while I waited for the waitress to bring me the check and handed her cash before I walked back to my car, completely fucking giddy to go be with my Bella too. The drive to her apartment always seemed to take longer than it should, and I was impatient with the other cars on the road. By the time I parked at her complex, I was grumbling to myself.

My annoyance faded when Bella answered my knock on the door. She grinned at me and said, "Did you know three hours can be a really long fucking time?"

I laughed and pulled her close to hug her, whispering, "It was a long fucking time for me, too," as I kissed her temple. Bella sighed contentedly and pressed herself even closer to me, squeezing me tightly before she finally let go.

We went to the kitchen where Alice was mixing some sort of batter and talking to Jasper, who was sitting on the counter again. The countertop around him was covered with baking racks holding cookies and loaves of bread that were cooling. A cookie sheet with some sort of chocolate candy was near the stove, and I watched as Bella went to the oven and checked on something else baking inside. Everything smelled fantastic, but it looked like Bella was cooking for an army again. Of course, this time there was nearly an army descending soon.

I helped Bella and Alice as they finished getting everything ready, and then Jasper and I went into the dining room to rearrange things and set up the gaming table. The dining room table had to move to Jasper's room, where we stood it on its side as out of the way as we could get it. The gaming table was massive and had to be partially assembled, so it took a little time and effort to get it ready.

When we finished, Jasper went down the hall toward his room while I walked back into the kitchen. Before I could settle in, there was a knock at the door. Bella squealed and grinned, but her hands were covered in the batter Alice had been mixing. I turned on the water for her and told her I'd get the door.

As I walked down the hallway, I found myself standing a little straighter and realized I'd even tugged on my shirt to straighten it. I pushed up my sleeves and opened the door.

Standing before me was the largest man I'd ever seen close up. Emmett was a big guy, but this dude stood a few inches taller, and his chest was easily twice the width of mine. Before I could form any thoughts more coherent than that, he said, "You Edward?" in a deep voice.

I nodded and was about to invite him in when he stepped inside and the world suddenly turned upside down. I was bent over at the waist, the beast's arm around my neck in a headlock. I tried to push away from him, but his vice-like grip was impossible to break. I was just about to punch him in the kidney to get free when I heard Bella's voice demand, "God damn it, Felix! Let him go!"

I felt her move in beside me and heard the muffled smack as she punched Felix. He calmly said, "I'm just making sure he's treating you right, sweetpea."

She said, "He is! Now fucking let him go, or I swear to god, I'll kick you in the balls."

Felix wasn't fazed. He said, "Jazz?"

I heard Jasper's voice answer from down the hallway, "Yeah, Felix, he's good to her. Now you better let him go before Bella permanently damages your chance to have children some day."

Felix relaxed his grip and let me go. I immediately took a step back and glared. My first instinct was to grab Bella and shove her behind me, but I knew there was no danger. I refused to rub my neck and watched as Felix scooped Bella up for a hug. She squealed and kicked her feet, which were a good two feet off the ground. He kissed her cheek before he put her down, and I realized my eyes had narrowed until they were little more than slits.

_What the fuck._

It wasn't even a question, just a curse.

Felix winked at Bella and moved past her down the hallway. He patted me on the shoulder as he passed and said, "Nice to meet you, man," before he disappeared into the living room.

The other guys began to walk in behind Felix. Bella was standing near the door, hugging them as they came in. They were all smiling, Bella included, as they greeted each other. The hallway was loud as several different conversations were going on at once.

After he hugged Bella, the one I recognized as Jake stood close by her near the doorway with his arms crossed in front of his chest, watching me and not saying a word.

Another came in and walked toward me, saying simply, "Hi, I'm Quil," as he held out his hand. I introduced myself and shook his hand, and he walked over to the doorway of the kitchen, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. His stance seemed more casual than Jake's, but I noticed he kept his eyes on me as well.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

Just behind Quil was a taller guy with his head shaved. He glared at me the entire time and said, "Paul," not bothering to hold his hand out.

_Fucking prick._

I turned away from him to see two guys still making their way inside. One had longer hair and a few tattoos while the other seemed more clean-cut and was on the phone, still standing just outside the door.

Before I could say anything to either of them, I heard Paul call my name. I turned back to look at him, and he said, "You should know that if you hurt Bella, we will fucking end you."

"Fucking Christ, Paul," said the long-haired one.

I saw Quil roll his eyes and shake his head before he looked at me a little sympathetically. _Huh_. Maybe I'd gotten the wrong impression of him.

I just glanced at Jasper and smirked as I said, "Yeah, I think I've heard that shit before. Thanks."

Jasper cracked a smile and said, "Back the fuck off, Paul, or get the hell out of my apartment."

Paul glowered at me and stalked off into the living room. I rolled my eyes before I turned back toward the door.

"Hey, man, I'm Embry. Don't mind Paul. He's just a dick sometimes," said the one with longer hair as he shrugged. It was cut just at his chin and tucked behind his ears, and I saw the end of some sort of tribal tattoo snaking up his neck to just beneath his right ear. His eyes flickered briefly to the bruise beneath mine.

I heard Quil mutter, "All the fucking time," under his breath.

Embry and I shook hands, and he asked me about med school. Just as I was answering, the last guy finally walked in. He closed his phone, dropping it into his coat pocket as he wrapped Bella into a tight hug. I forgot my conversation while I watched him kiss Bella on the cheek and sway back and forth with her, wearing a huge smile on his face.

"How's my girl?" he asked, and I nearly fucking growled.

Embry followed my gaze and put a hand on my shoulder as he leaned forward to speak quietly. "That's Jared. Don't worry, man – he's engaged, and believe me…neither one has ever been interested." He smiled at me and said, "Good to meet you. I'm sure we'll get a chance to talk later."

He walked past me toward the living room just as Jared let Bella go. He smiled down at her and then walked toward me, the smile never leaving his face. We shook hands, and he gave me the official guy hug, leaning over and clapping me on the back with his other hand. "Edward! It's great to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

He glanced over his shoulder and winked at Bella, who beamed at me. I was torn between wanting to like the guy and being a jealous ass. Thinking about what else was waiting for me in the living room, I settled on liking the guy. Bella walked over to stand beside me while we were talking, and I smiled down at her when I felt her slip her pinkie into mine. I gently squeezed hers and then lifted her hand, kissing the back of it as I laced my fingers through hers. Jared grinned at us.

"Come on," Bella said as she tugged on my hand. "Let me introduce you to the guys officially." There was a twinkle in her eyes as she motioned toward the living room. We all moved at once, but I was aware of Jake still standing by the front door.

Quil and Jared went ahead of us, joining the other guys sprawling on the couches as Bella and I stepped through the doorway. The smile on Bella's face was infectious – she looked so happy as she stood holding my hand and beaming at them. I reminded myself that these guys were her closest friends, and they all wanted her to be happy…and safe. They'd been through this shit too.

It didn't fully cure my annoyance, but it helped.

My mood was further helped when Bella said, "Hey guys? I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward."

Embry grinned at me from the loveseat as Jared stood up and came over, hugging both of us again. It felt strangely like I thought announcing an engagement might feel. And I was okay with that. I was a little surprised when Quil followed Jared's example, but I was almost expecting Felix's response.

He pulled me into a ridiculous hug, nearly crushing my ribs, before he slapped me on the back and moved on to hug Bella. I heard him whisper, "I'm so happy for you, sweetpea. You let me know if you need me." She kissed his cheek and then slipped her arm around my waist when he put her down. She smiled up at me, her cheeks flushed pink, and she looked happier than I'd ever seen her.

She pulled me just inside the living room and to the left of the door. "Oh, and there's food in the kitchen," she said with a mischievous grin.

I watched as the guys all stampeded out of the room, talking and laughing. Soon, we were alone, the sounds of conversation drifting to us from the kitchen. I looked down at Bella, and she was smiling quietly up at me. She turned to face me, wrapping both her arms around my waist as she said softly, "Sorry about that. They can be a little…" she shrugged as she trailed off.

"It's fine, love," I answered with a small smile. "They just care about you and worry." I leaned down and hugged her tightly as I whispered, "I do too, you know."

I felt Bella smile against my cheek before she turned and placed a soft kiss near my ear. I held her for a long moment before I stood and said, "I guess we should get in there." She gave a silly grin when I winked at her. I loved that expression on her face.

When we walked into the kitchen, Alice had already been introduced to the guys and was standing with Jasper. He was leaning against the counter with Alice in front of him, and his arms were wrapped around her waist as she leaned back against him. She was watching the horde descend on the food with a wide smile.

Bella and I settled in near them, and she put her arm back around my waist. I loved that she was touching me so openly in front of the guys. I liked her being marked as mine.

My thoughts were going in a dangerous direction when Bella said, "Hey, where's Alex?"

Embry said, "_They'll _be here first thing in the morning. Jane had something to do for work before they left." He grinned at Bella when she made a face. He put his plate on the counter and said, "Hey…where's the woman of my dreams? I saw her car outside."

Bella said, "Huh…where _is_ Rose?" and everyone turned to look at Jasper.

I spoke up. "Oh, Em was going to pick her up. He took her home last night."

All eyes automatically turned to Embry, who said, "No, I didn't."

Jasper laughed. "Edward's friend Emmett, dumbass. We were all out late last night, and he was going past her hotel." He shrugged but shot a quick glance at me. I gave a little nod with an amused smile. _Yeah, dude, he's into your sister._

He made a face, and I raised an eyebrow pointedly as I glanced down at Alice. Jasper laughed and leaned down, kissing her neck suggestively.

_Bleh._

I looked away, but I was smiling as I listened to the conversations around us and occasionally joined in. Everyone was raving about Bella's food, and she was blushing and smiling in between talking to the guys and cursing. Jared and I were talking about some of the problems with the pathfinding in _Red Alert 3_ when Bella turned to me and said quietly, "Can I get you anything?"

I smiled at her softly, touched by the way she always tried to take care of me. "No, sweetheart, I'm fine…I just want you to have a good time." I brushed her cheek with the back of my fingers as she stared up into my eyes.

_She is beyond beautiful_.

The world around us always seemed to disappear when we looked at each other this way, and I wondered if she felt the same. The smile that spread on her lips was slow and happy. We reflexively turned toward each other, and her hands rested on my hips just as my arms encircled her shoulders. She watched me for a moment longer and then moved closer to me, hugging me tightly with her face buried in my chest. I bowed my head, her hair tickling my face as I kissed the top of her head.

I was suddenly very aware that silence reigned in the kitchen.

I raised my head and looked around to find that everyone was watching us. Their expressions ranged from amusement on Quil's face to affection on Felix's…to jealousy on Jake's. Bella must have noticed the silence as well because she raised her head slowly to look around.

"Go Bella," Quil broke the tension with a grin.

Everyone laughed and talk resumed as I smiled gratefully at Quil.

_Definitely the wrong impression._

A few minutes later, Rosalie walked into the room followed by Emmett. He was still wearing that ridiculous hat and grinning like a fucking moron. We had all been too loud to hear the door, but as soon as she walked in, the guys all started calling out, "Rose!" and hugging her as the introductions began again. I didn't catch most of it, but I did notice that Jake shook Emmett's hand.

No doubt about how he felt about me now, was there?

I shrugged. He could be a prick all he wanted. Didn't change the fact that Bella picked me. I was ridiculously giddy with that thought and couldn't help myself as I leaned down and kissed her cheek. I knew he was watching us out of the corner of his eye. He had been since they got here. Bella looked up at me with a surprised smile and said softly, "I love you."

I felt like the biggest ass for kissing her to taunt him as I said, "I love you too, sweetheart."

Thankfully, Emmett's booming voice interrupted my darker thoughts as I heard him say, "Felix, huh? Did your mom not like you?"

Bella and I both glanced over to watch. Felix waffled between anger and amusement as he said, "You got a fucking problem with my name?"

Emmett grinned and said, "Dude. Seriously? My name's Emmett."

They stared at each other for a minute before they both laughed. I shook my head as they started talking easily. Emmett could always say whatever the hell he wanted and still get along with anyone.

Not long after that, Bella herded us all into the dining room, and Jasper and I went to the office to grab all their D&D manuals. As we walked in, Jasper looked over and said, "How you holding up, man?"

I chuckled and said, "I'm fine, since I managed to get away before Felix broke my fucking neck."

He grinned as he started grabbing books from the shelf and piling them on the floor. He lowered his voice and said, "Hey, don't worry about Paul and Jake. Paul will come around – he's an ass to everybody in the beginning. Jake is just…"

"Jealous," I finished for him.

He sighed and nodded. "He'll get over it. And if he doesn't…" He shrugged.

I picked up the pile he'd made and then stopped, looking down at him. "Hey, Jasper?"

"Yeah?" he asked, looking for particular books as he muttered to himself. When I didn't say anything for a minute, he stopped and looked up at me. "What's up, Edward?"

"There's no chance that Bella…?" I trailed off, not even wanting to finish the question.

Jasper gave me an understanding smile though there was definitely some amusement in his eyes as he said, "No way, man. Bella's never been interested in Jake at all. Besides, she's gone completely stupid over you."

I felt my cheeks heat, increasing that embarrassing middle-schooler-with-a-crush feeling. I shifted the books in my hands and muttered, "Thanks," before I walked out into the hall. Jasper chuckled quietly behind me.

We settled around the gaming table, and the sound of the Seahawks game drifted in from the living room where Felix was watching it. Bella and I were sitting at the end of the table behind the wooden screen, and she was busy showing me the different charts and things I would need to use to help her. She was so cute when she was excited about this stuff, and she kept talking so quickly that I had to listen carefully to keep up. Jake sat just to her right on the side of the table, and he was flipping through his book with more force than was necessary. Embry was just to my left, rolling his dice repeatedly.

I'd been surprised to see Rosalie sit down on the other side of Jake. She didn't seem the type to play, but when I'd asked about it, she'd said, "Trust me…it wasn't originally my idea, but these two fucking bugged me until I gave in. It's a lot more fun than it looks, though, and it gives me a chance to give all these guys shit." Jake was sitting at her side petulantly, and she elbowed him in the ribs and kept messing with him until he finally smiled and started talking to her. Emmett wandered back down the hall from the bathroom and sat on Rosalie's other side. He picked up one of the miniatures sitting on the table and said, "Oh, this one's pretty cool!"

Rosalie plucked it out of his hand and said, "I don't think so, bitch. That's my dwarf. I'm always the warrior."

All the movement at the table had stilled, and I looked around to find they had all paused in the middle of whatever they were doing – pages in mid-turn, dice in hand - and were watching with amused grins. Rosalie picked up another miniature and handed it to Emmett, saying, "Here you go. You can be a ranger."

Emmett turned it around in his hand with a small frown as he studied it. Then he said, "Hey, this one has tits!"

Snickers and outright laughter erupted around the table. Emmett just grinned and turned to Rosalie, trying to talk her into switching. He was telling her it made sense for him to play the guy and her to play the girl when she said, "It's called roleplay, Emmett. You pick a role, and you play it."

Jared snickered and whispered something to Embry, who threw back his head and laughed. Rosalie picked up a die and threw it, hitting Embry on the forehead without even pausing in her conversation with Emmett. I noticed the two of them were turned completely towards each other, and she was smiling as she teased him. I knew Emmett would be asking about it later, so I watched when I could.

He had resorted to begging now, and the look on Rosalie's face told me she was enjoying that a little too much. Poor bastard.

I glanced away from them and caught sight of Alice sitting at the other end of the table grinning at me. Her chair was pulled close to Jasper's, and he was leaning over as he read. Bella had told me that she'd banished Jasper to the other end of the table a long time ago because he liked to glance over the screen and cheat whenever he could. He claimed it wasn't true, but Bella liked to keep an eye on him.

As I looked at Alice, I thought of how strange it was that we'd ended up here, sitting around a table with a bunch of guys that we really didn't know, playing a game we'd never really been interested in. Then again, I'd never really thought I'd be sitting next to a woman I loved as much as I loved Bella.

Lost in thought, I was a little surprised when I felt something bump against my knee. I glanced at Bella, but she was studiously ignoring me, looking down as she studied her book. I saw a smile tugging at her lips, though. I looked down at her left hand resting on her thigh. It was higher up than I'd ever really touched her, but I decided to test our new level of comfort just a little. Keeping my eyes off of her, I went back to reading the book I was supposed to be learning from. I slowly moved my hand onto Bella's thigh and slid my pinkie beneath hers.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her quiet smile as she bit her bottom lip, and she wrapped her little finger around mine, squeezing gently. The noise of the conversations around us faded into the background as I lifted my head and looked at Bella, only to find her watching me too. We shared a quiet smile, and all I could think was, _I fucking love my girlfriend._

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**A/N:** _Thank you SO much to everyone who has been reading and reviewing and recommending this story! It recently broke 100k hits and 1000+ people have it on favorites, which is absolutely stunning to me. :) Real life got a little rough for awhile, and I'm behind on review replies, but I am still answering them. If you haven't gotten one yet, I'm sorry, and it should be coming soon!_

_I also want to thank __**AHelm**__, __**hammondgirl**__, and __**kimberlycullen10**__ for being extra eyes and helping me make it through this chapter. You ladies are completely made of win._

_**AngstGoddess003**__ recently published an article for __**The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster**__ blog called __**"OMJ: Exploring the Jasper Factor."**__ It examines the different types of Jasper stories out there, and I was honored to be interviewed for it. If you get a chance, go check it out – she did a fantastic job with it! There's a link to TLYDF on my profile._

_The songs playing at Edward's apartment were "Whisper" by Morphine, "My Name Is Jonas" by Weezer, and "Young Lust" by Pink Floyd._

_Oh, and mirul? Breathe, bb. It's okay – see? He made it through the first day unscathed…mostly :)_

_End stupidly long A/N_


	22. Some Lovely Glorious Nothing

_**A/N:**__ I don't own anything you recognize._

_Thank you _so_ much to __**hammondgirl**__, __**AHelm**__, and __**kimberlycullen10**__ for looking over various parts of this chapter for me – and to __**naelany**__ for staying up super late and doing a final read through for me :) _

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**EPOV**

When I woke up Monday morning, I was exhausted and confused. I couldn't figure out why I was awake, as my bedroom was still dark and I didn't remember hearing anything. I lay on my stomach with my face pressed into the pillow and groaned as I squinted over at the clock.

_8:48_

_Shit!_

I pushed myself out of bed and stumbled toward the bathroom. Halfway there, I caught my toe on the bed post and growled, "Fuck!" I limped the rest of the way, cursing to myself.

This day was not starting out well.

Around 1:00 this morning, Bella had walked me to the door, and we'd said good night. She'd hugged me tightly and invited me over for breakfast with the guys at 9:00. I'd been disappointed that she didn't ask me to stay with her again. Even though I'd slept by her side for only one night, I already craved the feeling of her next to me. She'd seemed surprised that I was leaving, but neither of us had mentioned the possibility of my staying over. It was the first awkwardness we'd felt since that morning when we'd admitted so many things.

I didn't like it.

It wasn't like I could expect her asking me to spend one night with her to give me free reign to stay whenever I wanted - but fuck if I didn't wish it did.

Of course, that would probably mean I'd stay every night.

With a sigh, I started the shower and sat down on the edge of the tub to check out the damage to my toe. Thankfully, I wasn't bleeding, but it looked like I'd have another injury to add to my growing collection.

_Fucking brilliant._

I stood again and leaned toward the mirror, resting my weight on the palms of my hands against the counter. I didn't need to shave too badly, so I decided to skip it, and I noticed that the swelling of my nose had gone down, though the bruise beneath my eye had darkened. I grimaced and put my contacts in before I stepped into the shower.

I washed quickly, letting the scent of sandalwood from my soap help clear my mind. I realized I was moving at a frantic pace and tried to slow myself down. I felt a little frenzied, and I knew it would not be a good idea to arrive at Bella's feeling out of control – especially not with what waited there for me.

I forced myself to take a bit more time washing my hair, but that was all I could manage before I shut off the shower and jumped out. I dried in a hurry and wrapped my towel around my waist, glancing at my clock as I moved quickly to my closet.

_8:56._

_Damn. Damn. Damn._

I flipped on the light in my closet and grabbed the first shirt I saw, barely noticing it was a white long-sleeved t-shirt. I pulled it over my head, raking my fingers through my hair as I went to my dresser to grab a clean pair of boxers and socks. I picked up my jeans from the floor and put it all on, sitting down to shove my feet into my shoes and cursing when I hit my toe again. I went back into the bathroom briefly to finish getting ready and then grabbed my phone and keys on the way out the door.

As I drove to Bella's, I turned the music down and called her but didn't get an answer. I frowned as I tossed the phone into the passenger seat and cranked the music again, driving too quickly in my rush to get to her.

I parked and had to work not to jog to the door when I saw that it was now 9:12. That was without a doubt the quickest I'd ever gotten ready and to my destination, but I was cursing myself for forgetting to set my alarm. I'd really hoped to beat the guys here this morning.

I took a deep breath as I reached her door and ran my fingers through my hair before I knocked. There was no answer at first, so I waited for a moment, fidgeting and leaning over to look in the window. I didn't see anyone, so I knocked again. A few seconds later, Jasper opened the door and grinned as he took in my damp hair and scruffy jaw.

"Sleep well?" he greeted me as he stepped back to let me in. I could hear Alice's voice mixed with several masculine ones as they talked and laughed. I didn't hear Bella though.

I made a face and said, "Not really, but I forgot to set my fucking alarm."

He laughed and led me to the kitchen where I found Bella standing at the stove cooking. She was wearing a dark blue apron with her hair in that messy bun, and I was surprised to see she was still in her pajamas. Thank god that apron was covering up the curves her X-Men shirt revealed so appealingly otherwise. I knew these guys were her friends…but I also knew it never hurt to look. And I hated the thought of any of those fuckers looking at her.

Jasper said, "Bells?"

She turned and nearly squealed, "Edward!" when she saw me, instantly erasing so much of my annoyance from the morning. She walked straight to me, and as soon as she was wrapped in my arms, the remainder faded away, leaving me with the contentment that only she could provide.

"I missed you," I said quietly without even fully intending to.

Bella's cheek pressed even closer against me as she held me tightly and said, "I missed you too. That was a long night."

I held her for awhile, my hand gently stroking her hair before she finally squeezed me and then let go, saying, "You hungry?" as she went back to the stove.

Finally looking around, I realized that there were bowls and platters all around the kitchen, some waiting to be filled while the contents of others had already been devoured. Bella was just taking up a pan full of scrambled eggs with cheese, scraping them into a bowl before she began cracking more. I glanced into the dining room and saw all the guys gathered around the gaming table with plates in front of them. Serving dishes with eggs, hash browns, biscuits, bacon, and the like were spread along the length. Jasper had returned to his seat by Alice, but I didn't see Rosalie anywhere. The guys were joking together, laughing as they ate. Even Jake and Paul had smiles on their faces.

"Have you eaten yet?" I answered.

She shook her head with a laugh. "No, I make sure to feed the hungry horde first. Otherwise, they get grumpy."

I frowned as I walked over to stand near her, leaning against the counter so I could look at her. Her cheeks were flushed pink, but there was happiness in her eyes. She really liked taking care of these guys, just like she liked taking care of me.

"Can I help you with anything?" I asked. No way was I going to sit with the rest of them while she was so busy in here cooking.

Her eyes flickered to mine as she said, "Sure…can you take that to the table?" She nodded toward the bowl she'd just filled. As I picked it up, she said, "Watch out for your fingers, though," and gave me a playful grin.

I bent down and kissed her cheek, causing her to lean toward me. She sighed softly and whispered, "Thank you."

"No thanks needed, sweetheart," I said quietly as I smiled down at her. Her cheeks flushed darker pink, and she went back to stirring the eggs, humming softly to herself.

As I walked into the dining room, a chorus of, "Edward!" went up from around the table. Several of the guys reached out hands for me to shake, and Felix patted me on the shoulder with one of his meaty paws. I greeted them all and placed the bowl in the center of the table just as I heard the front door open.

Rosalie walked into the room, followed once again by Emmett. He'd thankfully lost the stupid hat, but he was still wearing that fucking ridiculous grin. The guys greeted both him and Rosalie much as they had me, but Emmett's grin faded when Rosalie walked straight over to Embry, who stood with a broad smile.

"There's the love of my life!" Rosalie said as she hugged Embry tightly. They kissed each other on both cheeks like they were damn Europeans before they pulled back, still keeping their arms around each other.

Embry grinned and said, "The woman of my dreams! I was wondering when you were going to say hi." He glanced over her head and winked at Emmett, who was scowling. "I figured you were a little too _busy_ to bother with me."

"Oh, I always have time for you," Rosalie said coyly, and they both laughed.

I caught Emmett's eye, and he was staring at me with a look that clearly said, _What the fuck?_ I actually felt for him because of the dumbfounded expression on his face, and we both turned to look at Jasper, who just shook his head and grinned in a manner that said, _They're always fucking like this. Hell if I know._

Adding to my friend's confusion, Rosalie let Embry go and immediately stepped back to Emmett's side as she said hi to the other guys. Embry clapped Emmett on the shoulder before he sat back down.

I shrugged at Emmett, just as confused as he was.

Rosalie turned and whispered something to Emmett, whose smile returned immediately. He put his arm around her waist, and she gave him a small, soft smile before they both took seats at the table. Emmett reached for a basket of biscuits, and I was stunned to see him offer one to Rosalie first.

_What do you know…?_

I grinned and walked back into the kitchen, where I stopped at the doorway to watch for a moment. Bella was humming to herself, and she was dancing a bit, just a little shake of her hips here and there. She was so fucking tempting. All I wanted to do was sneak up behind her, wrap my arms around her waist, and kiss the sweet skin just beneath her ear.

Instead, I walked toward her slowly and said, "Bella?" to let her know I was there. She glanced over her shoulder again and smiled at me as I returned to my place by the stove. "Did you sleep okay?" I asked.

She made a face and said, "Not really…" before she shot me a glance out of the corner of her eye. "Did you?"

I sighed softly. "Not really," I admitted. "It took me a long time to fall asleep, and then I overslept. I'm sorry I was late."

Bella smiled quietly and said, "I'm just glad you came. I was wondering if maybe you decided to stay home or something…"

I frowned. "Why would I do that?"

Bella shrugged, carefully keeping her eyes on the eggs she was stirring, though her spoon slowed. I reached out and placed my hand beneath her chin, gently tilting it up. She hesitantly raised her eyes to mine, and I hated the uncertainty I saw there.

"I guess a part of me was kind of worried you'd…changed your mind," she said so softly I barely heard her. She bit her bottom lip and stared into my eyes. "I know it's stupid…" she finally glanced away, looking back at the pan on the stove.

All was quiet in the kitchen for a moment, the only sounds those of the joking conversations from the dining room and the sizzle from the stove. "You're right. It _is_ stupid to think I'd change my mind…" I said quietly. "But I understand."

My last words drew her eyes to mine again. "You do?" she asked.

I nodded slowly and finally admitted, "A part of me worries constantly that you'll come to your senses and realize you're way too good for me."

My chest was tight as I watched for her reaction, and I realized that – once again – I was waiting to hear those words from her. I wasn't good enough. She wanted more.

She deserved more.

Bella frowned, furrowing her brow as she set her wooden spoon to the side. She walked the few steps to where I was resting on the counter and leaned against me. My arms moved to wrap around her waist and she snaked hers around mine. She rested her cheek against my chest and said, "Edward, I love _you_. You are perfect for me…and I just hope I can be for you."

It was so surreal. I could hear Quil's voice and booming laughter from the dining room not ten feet away, but I felt tears stinging my eyes at Bella's words. I leaned down, kissing the top of her head as I waited for the lump in my throat to dissolve. When I could speak, I whispered, "I love you, Bella…completely."

I felt her smile against my chest, and she hugged me tightly for a moment before she let go and stood up straight. I noticed her brushing away tears as well, and I hated that I'd somehow brought up a subject that had ruined her carefree mood from moments earlier. She looked up at me and said, "Don't be sad, please…I'm fine. It's just…well, it's just all so new, you know?"

I brushed my thumb along her cheekbone, drying the last of her tears as I nodded slowly. "It's a little scary, isn't it?" I gave her a small smile, and she returned it tremulously.

She nodded before she bit her bottom lip. "But _you_ make it all worth it…" she whispered, and I saw that happiness creeping back into her eyes. She smiled at me and lifted up onto her toes as she steadied herself with her hands on my upper arms. She leaned in slowly, her eyes on mine the whole way, and kissed me tenderly on the cheek.

I really couldn't help it this time – I couldn't fight the urge I felt. I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist and crushed her to me, lifting her from the ground as I buried my face in the crook of her neck. Bella's arms encircled my shoulders, and I felt her fingers tangle in my hair. I held her that way for only a brief moment, but I had never felt more complete than I did in that instant. I felt all the worry and uncertainty draining from both of us, and when I set her back down, she was grinning up at me, that playful glimmer back in her eyes.

My own smile felt strangely light, and I realized that – for once – I was utterly happy. I wasn't brooding or worried or harboring some resentment, and I wasn't just not upset. I was simply…happy. Those moments were so few and far between for me that I took a minute to just soak it in and appreciate it fully as I watched Bella stir the eggs again. They were a little brown around the edges, but the horde could fucking deal.

I was in love with Bella. And she was in love with me.

A few overcooked eggs were a small price to pay for a moment like that with my girlfriend.

Bella was humming again as she dumped the last of the eggs into a bowl and said, "Hungry now?" as she glanced at me with a wink.

_Holy hell._

That cute, flirtatious shit was going to make it awfully hard to behave…but I fucking loved it. I felt the smirk on my face as my thoughts drifted to a different sort of hunger than the one she intended. I answered simply, "Starving. What about you?"

She grinned at me as she nodded and picked up the bowl. As she started to walk toward the dining room, I asked her what she wanted to drink, and she had a sweet, silly look on her face before she answered, "Oh! Umm…milk? Thanks…"

She watched me with a fond expression as I got a glass for each of us and then led the way into the dining room. I could feel her eyes on my back, and I would swear I heard her sigh for some reason.

The only open seats at the table were between Felix and Jake. I wasn't sure where Bella would want to sit, so I put down both glasses and took the bowl from her, setting it in the middle of the table. I looked down at her, and she stepped toward the chair by Felix, making me grin like a fucking idiot as I pulled out her chair for her. I helped guide it back under the table and then took the seat beside Jake.

I could feel him tense beside me as he placed his napkin on the table, and I thought he was about to stand. Instead, he sat quietly while Bella and I fixed our plates, clearing his throat just as I was taking my first bite. I glanced over to see him looking at me, and he said, "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself yesterday…I'm Jacob Black."

He held his hand out, and all the conversations around the table got a little quieter. No one actually stopped talking, and everyone was carefully keeping their eyes away from us, but the hush made it clear that everyone was paying attention.

I swallowed the food I'd just eaten and wiped my hands on my napkin before I shook his and said, "I'm Edward Cullen. It's nice to meet you."

His eyes tightened before he nodded. He said, "So-" but was cut off by a knock on the door. The room was quiet as every head turned toward the noise briefly before conversations resumed. Jake remained silent, his gaze focused on his plate. Embry, who was sitting at the end closest to the hall, left to answer the door.

As footsteps sounded down the hallway, the guys began to stand, the ones who were finished tossing their napkins on the table. Embry was grinning as he returned, leading what could only be Alex and Jane. The two were eerily similar, with Alex being only slightly more masculine than his sister. They both had pale blonde hair and equally light blue eyes and were incredibly beautiful in an alien sort of way. They were thin and fairly short, making them seem tiny compared to all the others standing around them.

The guys moved to greet them, but as I watched, I was struck by how the twins seemed to keep themselves apart. They were more reserved, less boisterous than the rest of the group, and they held back a bit. Alex shook hands politely with the guys, and both Rosalie and Bella hugged him, but he seemed almost mechanical in his actions. Jane, on the other hand, turned her aloofness into a weapon, somehow managing to arrange herself in the best light, nearly posing as she smiled demurely at the boys.

She began hugging each in turn, kissing him on the cheek, and there were a few she whispered to. Felix stayed firmly in his seat and waved at her instead, while Jared shook her hand and gave her what could only be the guy hug, staying well away from her and patting her on the back.

When she reached Jasper, he held out his hand to shake hers, but she pressed herself close to him and held on to him in a way that was making _me_ uncomfortable. Suddenly my little sister was there in between them. Jasper wrapped his arms around Alice's waist as he introduced them, but that did nothing to quiet Alice's furious glare.

_That bitch is in trouble if she doesn't stay away from Jasper._

_No shit…_

I was so busy watching Alice catalog a hundred and one ways to kill Jane that I didn't realize at first that Bella was introducing me to Alex. I heard my name and turned to see Bella smiling at him. We shook hands, and I noticed that his was thin and cool, making it feel frail. He smiled at me, saying, "I'm really happy to meet you, Edward," but his eyes seemed somehow far away, as if he weren't fully there.

_Is he…high?_

Before I could further debate the mystery of Alex, Jane stepped in front of him and looked up at me with a small, coy smile. Bella stepped back immediately and turned partially toward me, putting one arm around my waist while her other hand rested flat against my chest. With strained politeness, she said, "Jane, I'd like you to meet my _boyfriend_, Edward."

I could feel the tension from her fingertips when Jane said, "It's great to meet you, Edward," and moved a little closer, opening her arms as if she were going to hug me. I held out my hand and shook hers hastily, but Jane held on to my hand as her eyes appraised me thoughtfully, travelling all the way down to my feet before they made their way slowly back up. She allowed her gaze to openly linger in certain areas as she bit her bottom lip, although the action was nothing like the natural way Bella did it. This was calculated, designed to evoke a response from whoever was watching her.

Unfortunately for her, it did not evoke the response she was hoping for. Bella's grip tightened around my waist, and I held back a wide grin. She was fucking adorable when she was possessive like this. I refused to let her feel insecure at all, though, so I pulled my hand free from Jane's and wrapped Bella in my arms as I said politely, "It's nice to meet you, Jane."

Her eyes narrowed just slightly before she flashed Bella and me a warm smile that didn't reach her eyes. She hugged Jake then, rubbing his back as she whispered to him. He nodded, his cheek pressed against hers, and she turned to give him a small kiss on his jaw. He smiled at her as he straightened.

Alex had finished greeting everyone and was standing near the doorway, watching as Jane moved toward Emmett and Rosalie. There was a look of barely-concealed distaste on Rosalie's face as she hugged the smaller girl, but when Jane turned toward Emmett, the thin mask fell away, and Rosalie said flatly, "I don't think so, bitch. That one's mine."

I had never seen a smile that fucking big on Emmett's face. He was goddamn beaming as he took a small step that put him behind Rosalie, and he rested his hands on her hips. Looking over her shoulder, he said, "Emmett McCarty. Good to meet you, Jane."

The room was in a sort of stunned silence as Rosalie glanced back and smiled at Emmett. Finally, someone snorted. The guys began talking and laughing again, helping diffuse the anger that was rolling off Jane. Bella was struggling to keep a smirk off her face as she asked the twins what they wanted to drink. Jake and Embry took their plates into the kitchen, clearing the way for Alex and Jane to sit.

Bella obviously felt a little bad for the way Jane was received because she helped serve them and made sure they had everything they needed before she returned to her seat to eat. I finished my breakfast before she did and sat playing with the corner of my napkin as I talked to Felix on the other side of Bella. He was filling me in on the Seahawks game the day before when I felt Bella's hand on my knee. She was talking to Rosalie sitting across the table, and I had to smile at the casual touch. I reached behind her, resting my hand on her shoulder as I rubbed her neck with my thumb, and I saw her smile out of the corner of my eye.

Just as Alex was putting down his fork, Bella glanced around the table and said, "Alright, guys. Time to clean up. You know what to do." I watched, amused, as each of the guys stood up and collected his own plate, glass, and silverware. They formed a line in the kitchen, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher.

Soon, Bella and I were alone at the table. I looked over at her, and she grinned at me. "What?" she said. "I cook for them. I'm not cleaning up after their nasty asses too." I chuckled and leaned over, kissing her forehead as her eyelids fluttered closed. She opened her eyes again, and we spent a few minutes just looking at each other. I was sure my smile probably matched the soft, happy one on Bella's face.

Jake and Embry came back in the room, breaking up our quiet moment as they began gathering the serving dishes. They were talking animatedly about the characters they had started creating the night before, and neither glanced at us as they worked. The set of Jake's shoulders was stiff, but he seemed to be working to control it.

I stood, stacking our plates and silverware as Bella collected our glasses. The ease with which we worked together on something as simple as this reminded me of the natural way breakfast had felt with her yesterday morning, and I found myself counting the days until the guys left again.

When we walked into the kitchen, Jake took the plates from me with a tight smile and put them in the sink before he took the glasses from Bella. Embry said, "We got this, B," and grinned at her, shooing us away with his hand.

Bella said, "Thanks, guys!" with a huge grin and reached down to take my hand. Once we reached the hall, Bella decided to go change. She handed me her apron and asked if I would hang it up for her before she turned to go. I watched her leave, my eyes drawn to the curve of her hips swaying as she walked. I shook myself and turned away.

_You've got a long day ahead of you, Cullen._

_Yeah, don't even start thinking about that shit._

I hung Bella's apron on the hook just inside the kitchen door, and both Embry and Jake glanced over when I stepped inside. Embry gave me a nod and a grin, while Jake just turned back to doing the dishes. He at least wasn't glaring as much this morning, but there were clearly some hard feelings on his side. All things considered, I couldn't blame him.

I went into the living room, where I found people sprawled everywhere. Everyone was going to be spending the day just hanging out, playing games and watching TV, so I settled in on the loveseat as I watched Quil, Felix, Jared, and Alice play Wii. They'd pulled out the _Raving Rabbids_ game and were laughing more than they were actually playing as they tried to race on the weird warthogs. As they were racing, Bella walked back into the room wearing a black Rage Against the Machine t-shirt and jeans with a hole in the knee. She came over to sit by me on the loveseat, settling in with my arm around her shoulders.

We watched together until Jared finally won with Alice close behind him in second place. Jared held up his hand for a high five, and Alice celebrated with him as Quil and Felix gave up their spots to Jasper and Bella. We spent the rest of the morning playing different games, and a smaller group broke off to play cards on part of the gaming table while Embry and Paul set up _Risk_ on the other half. Alex sat quietly on the couch, watching us play and occasionally smiling, but he never played himself. I saw Jane in the dining room, hovering around the _Risk_ board.

It was a lot more fun than I'd been expecting, and it seemed like no time before Quil started grumbling that he was hungry. His complaints triggered others, and soon we were deciding what to do for lunch. We settled on pizza, and Bella and Emmett said they wanted wings too. Eventually, it was decided that the ladies would go pick up the wings while we waited for the pizza to be delivered. Emmett and I offered to go instead, but Rosalie patted his cheek and said, "We can't very well gossip about you if we're never away from you, now can we?"

Alice giggled while Bella blushed. I couldn't help but wonder what she'd have to say about me. Jane arched an eyebrow coolly, and Bella reluctantly said, "You're coming with us, right Jane?" Rosalie had the decency to turn her face away before she rolled her eyes, but Alice didn't bother to hide her frown.

It took us several minutes to settle on a pizza order, and when we finally did, Bella called it in before the girls got ready to leave. She snapped her phone closed and put it in her pocket as she grinned at me from the doorway. She tilted her head toward her bedroom before she walked down the hall.

_Huh?_

I actually shrugged before I stood and followed. She was already sitting on her bed, putting on her shoes when I walked in. Still leaning over, she smiled up at me and said, "Close the door?"

I reached behind me and did as she asked, looking at her curiously. She laughed softly and patted the bed beside her. I took the few steps necessary to reach her and sat down, still confused.

Bella turned to look at me, biting her bottom lip gently as she reached up and ran her fingers through my hair. "Sorry…it's just been so…weird…not being alone with you at all. I guess I sort of got used to it…" She blushed lightly.

I smiled at her gently as I said, "I know exactly what you mean." I had spent most of the morning trying to ignore the urge to get Bella alone, to have her to myself. I realized I was grinning stupidly at the knowledge that she'd felt the same way. She leaned toward me, hugging me tightly as she settled her cheek on my shoulder. I sighed contentedly as I rested my head against hers. I rubbed her back lightly, and we held each other in silence before we pulled away at the same time.

Bella grinned up at me and said, "I better go. The girls are waiting on me." I nodded and helped her up then walked her to the door. Rosalie, Alice, and Jane were standing there waiting, jackets already on, as we made our way to them. Rosalie arched an eyebrow with an amused expression, and Alice was looking at me thoughtfully. I said goodbye to them all and squeezed Bella's hand just before they left.

As soon as the door closed, I walked straight back to Bella's room to use her bathroom as I thought about the unusual confidence she had been showing since breakfast. I loved the new confident Bella, but it reminded me a little of how she was the night I watched her raid. I couldn't quite tell if having the guys around was making her that way, or if she was just becoming that much more comfortable with me, and the difference irked me.

I glanced in the mirror as I washed my hands, noticing that my forehead was marred by lines as my brow furrowed. I wasn't looking my best with a day's growth of beard on my chin and the purplish bruise from Bella beneath my eye. With a shrug, I dried my hands and left the bathroom, turning off the light.

I was thirsty, so I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and I was just filling it at the refrigerator when Jake walked in. He looked surprised and had a mildly annoyed expression on his face, so I assumed he hadn't expected to find himself alone with me. He waited until I stepped aside and then opened the refrigerator, grabbing a can of Mountain Dew. I thought for a minute he was going to walk back out, but then he turned around and leaned against the counter, setting his drink to the side.

Again, he crossed his arms and looked at me, but this time, he seemed to be deciding what to say instead of simply glaring. I took that as my cue to stay and sipped my water as I leaned back against the opposite counter.

"So umm…Bella said you're in med school?" he finally asked.

"Yeah," I answered, "I start clinicals next year and have a couple more years before my internship." I paused for a moment. "Jasper told me you just started a new program, right?"

Jake was nodding before I finished the question. "I've spent the last few years working in a garage in Port Angeles, but I decided I don't want to do that forever, you know? So I went back to school. I'm just working on my core right now…not really sure what I want to do yet." I noticed he seemed to relax as he spoke, and he actually smiled by the end.

Of course, then he glanced at me, and his smile faded as his eyes tightened. He reached over and opened his can, taking a long drink from it.

"Well, you've got time, right?" I said. "It's not like you have to decide right now."

"Sure, sure," he answered before growing quiet again. After a moment of thought he said, "So what else do you do? Can't be med school all the time."

I smiled. "No, definitely not med school all the time…but it does take up a lot of my time. The rest I just spend hanging out with Emmett or Bella." I shrugged, and I saw him frown. "What about you?" I asked.

The conversation was decidedly awkward, as we each seemed to be trying too hard to come up with something to say that didn't get at the one thing I knew was on both our minds…Bella.

We spoke for a few minutes more as Jake told me a bit about his life on the reservation, which seemed to consist of a lot of bonfires and outdoor recreation. We were still floundering, each of us trying to be polite though we felt the other's tension, when Jake finally said, "Hey man…what happened to you anyway?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

He gestured toward my face. "Your eye. What'd you do to it? Run into a door?" He grinned sarcastically, and I gave a tight smile.

He seemed to be trying to lighten the mood and get along with me, and I seriously considered just going along with his suggestion…but I knew I couldn't do that. I thought for a minute about how to word it, but I couldn't find anything brilliant, so in the end, I simply said, "Umm…Bella hit me, actually."

It sounded more hesitant than I would've liked, but I calmly sipped my water as I watched Jake's face. His eyes slowly narrowed.

"_Why_ did Bella hit you? What did you do?" his voice was lower, menacing, and I raised an eyebrow in response.

_It's gonna be that way, is it fucker?_

I knew Bella would be upset if we fought, so I tried to keep my tone civil and refrain from cursing as I said, "She was upset about something a couple of nights ago. She started to leave, and I didn't want her to drive that way, so I stopped her."

"Stopped her _how_?" was all he said.

"I caught her wrist. She panicked and hit me," I shrugged, refusing to react to the condescending possessiveness I could hear seeping into his tone.

He raised both eyebrows as he asked, "And what the fuck did you do to upset her?"

Suddenly, I'd had enough of his insinuations and his questions. I couldn't believe he was sitting there, implying that _I_ was the reason Bella had been upset. Of course it could be only me, right? There could be no other reason – only the asshole boyfriend. My vision became clouded as my own eyes narrowed.

"Actually, she was upset about something that Rosalie had to tell her. I couldn't take watching her storm out of here when she couldn't even hear us talking to her, so yes, I grabbed her wrist." My restraint finally gave a bit as I added, "And I'd fucking do it again too."

Jake said, "That shows exactly how well you know her, doesn't it? You can't just fucking grab Bella and pull her back."

The instant he suggested that I didn't know Bella, any control I had snapped. I felt myself push away from the counter and take a step toward him, and it was only by sheer force of will that I stayed where I was. I said, "I knew when I stopped her that she'd be upset, but it was a hell of a lot better than the alternative of her wrapped around a telephone pole somewhere. She snapped out of it as soon as she hit me, and I'd say a black eye is a small fucking price to pay to keep her safe."

He rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath.

"You want to say that shit louder?" I asked, and a small part of my mind said _uh oh_ as Edward-the-Fuckhole struggled to break free. I fought it back but my fists clenched with the effort.

Then Jake pushed away from the counter and taunted, "Alright, if you think you can handle hearing it."

I just glared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"I said," he began, "that Bella would be a hell of a lot better off with someone who actually knows her. Someone who understands her."

"I know Bella." My voice was low. "I have done nothing since we met but talk to her and listen to her and learn about her. Don't you _dare_ imply that I don't know her."

He rolled his eyes again, and it was all I could do not to hit him then. He said, "And that's been what? All of a goddamn month? Not even. You think you know her? I know her better than you ever will."

I could feel my fingertips digging into my palms as I answered. "You think you know her just because you've been around her for so long? Let me tell you, you can spend all the fucking time in the world around someone, but that doesn't mean shit if they don't let you in. Bella's opened up to me."

"And what makes you think she hasn't opened up to me?" he countered.

I realized that this argument wasn't going anywhere, and honestly, it was pointless anyway. Neither of us would convince the other, and we were arguing over something that really didn't fucking matter. What mattered was what Bella wanted. So I gathered what control I had and said, "Look, we could argue about this shit all day, but it seems to me that Bella's made her choice."

Jake had been ready to speak again, but his jaw snapped shut, his teeth clicking together. He glared at me for a few seconds before he turned and stalked out of the room. He nearly knocked over Jasper, who was just walking into the kitchen, and we heard the front door slam a few seconds later.

Jasper looked at me and shook his head. "Guess that shit was bound to happen," was all he said as he went to the refrigerator to get a drink. He hopped up on the counter as he opened the can. "You alright, man?"

I sighed, shaking my head as well. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that."

"Nah, don't apologize…like I said, it had to happen sooner or later." He shrugged. "Jake's a good guy, but he's been interested in Bella for a long time. He's got to be disappointed."

I nodded before I rubbed my hands across my face. I exhaled loudly and shook my head, trying to let it all go. Something about Jake's words was bothering me. Something about the implication that they knew her better than I did got under my skin – it was true that they all had experiences with her that I never would.

_Of course, you already have experiences that they never will._

_And hopefully more soon, right?_

I frowned at the uncertainty of that thought, and it didn't have nearly the calming effect I'd hoped it would. Jasper grinned as if he knew what I was thinking and said, "Seriously, dude, don't let it get to you. I heard the end of that – he's wrong. You know Bella." He shrugged.

I managed a small smile and followed Jasper as he led the way back into the living room. I took my place on the loveseat again, and I tried my best not to brood. I kept looking around at each of the guys, though, and I found myself wondering…what had she told Felix that I didn't know yet? Had she liked holding Jake's hand? Did Embry already know where she got that little scar on her chin? Was Jared there when it happened?

The questions were going to drive me insane if I didn't control them, so I did my best to push them out of the way, and I was able to focus again on just hanging out and having a good time. The girls returned with the wings, giggling as they came through the door, and I was surprised to see that even Jane was smiling.

They were all carrying bags, so Jasper and I both stood at the same time to help them. Emmett followed a few seconds later. We led the way into the kitchen while the girls followed, still talking. Felix answered the knock at the door that signaled the arrival of the pizza, and he brought it into the kitchen. Jasper reached for his wallet, but Felix said, "Nah, this is on me. My sweetpea deserves a celebration." He winked at Bella, who grinned and blushed, looking down at the floor as she slipped her hand into mine.

It was the stupidest thing. I knew that what Felix was celebrating was me and Bella…so why the fuck did it feel like the two of them were flirting? I tried to quash the vaguely jealous feeling as I laced my fingers through Bella's and she smiled up at me.

The food was opened on the counter, and we moved into line with everyone else to fix our plates. Bella glanced up at me with a small frown and said softly, "You okay?"

I nodded and then sighed. I briefly debated whether or not I should tell her about my conversation with Jake, but in the end, I decided to be honest with her. It had worked for us so far. I leaned toward her a bit as she was putting a slice of pizza on her plate and said, "Umm…Jake and I sort of had an argument. He got upset and left."

She stopped in place, and her eyes widened before she asked, "What were you arguing about?"

"Well…ahh…you," I admitted, glancing down at her.

Her brow furrowed. "Why in the world would you argue about me?"

Everyone was occupied with their food and conversations, except for Quil, who glanced at us curiously but looked away again just as quickly. I sighed and pulled her out of line, moving across the kitchen. I set our plates on the opposite counter and then leaned back against it. I smiled when Bella stepped in front of me and rested her hands lightly on my hips.

Caressing her cheek with my thumb, I said softly, "Well…Jake was trying to be nice at first, and we were just talking, but then he asked about my umm…my bruise." Because I was watching her eyes, I saw the brief flash of pain there, and I worked to sooth it away as best I could. "I didn't want to lie, so I told him what happened, and then he got angry, and…" I frowned as I trailed off.

"And then what?" Bella's voice was an odd mixture of anger and hurt that made my frown deepen.

I sighed and answered quietly, "He sort of implied that I don't know you very well…and that he knows you better. And umm…that made me mad, so I told him that it seemed like you had made your choice." My hands had journeyed to Bella's hips, and I noticed I was gripping them tightly. I forced myself to relax as I watched her and waited for what she would say.

All the while I was panicking.

_What if I _don't_ know her? What if this pisses her off? Will she go after Jake?_

I _knew_ none of those would happen, but there was that tiny bit of doubt that had my heart hammering in my chest. Bella's eyes darkened, and she said, "He seriously said that shit?"

I exhaled, realizing for the first time that I'd been holding my breath for her reaction. I nodded, not quite trusting myself to speak yet, and she muttered darkly, glancing away. She shook her head and then looked back up at me with a sad smile. "I'm sorry about that," she said.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked. "None of that was your fault."

"Yeah, but I hate that you have to go through all this…" she lifted her hands and turned slightly, motioning toward the dining room where Felix and Emmett were talking loudly while everyone else listened with grins on their faces. They seemed to be trying to one-up each other with tales of stupid drunken nights. It looked like Em was winning.

I didn't like the sadness on her face, especially when there was no reason for it, so I joked, "What? Putting up with Emmett's dumb ass? I'd be doing that regardless…"

When she looked back at me, I gave her the crooked grin that she seemed to like. She smiled and bit her bottom lip, and I reached out, taking her hands and lightly pulling her toward me. She took a step closer, placing her feet on either side of mine as she leaned into me. We wrapped our arms around each other and stayed that way for awhile, until I heard Bella sigh contentedly.

Then I leaned back, and she looked up at me. "Better?" I asked.

She nodded with a quiet smile and said, "Thank you, Edward."

That silly happy feeling I got each time she said my name brought a real grin to my face, but I just said simply, "Anytime, Bella."

She hugged me once more and then straightened, picking up her plate. We got our food and took it into the dining room, where a few of the others had already finished and were going back for seconds.

Emmett drug me into the conversation almost immediately, forcing me to tell Felix about the time he'd spent the night talking to a potted plant he swore was a German exchange student named Helga.

"God, I really was such a fucking moron then, wasn't I?" he chuckled, shaking his head.

"Then?" I asked, incredulous. "Em, that was this summer! I had to pick you up and carry your sorry ass home."

Everyone laughed as Emmett sputtered and tried to explain that he had left those days behind and didn't drink like that anymore. As I thought about it, I was surprised to realize that he was right – that really was the last time he'd gotten stupid drunk.

_Huh_.

I grew quiet, lost in thought, as I ate. I was thinking about all the time Emmett and I had spent together over the years, trying to figure out the small changes along the way. I think I'd been wrapped up so much in my own problems that I hadn't noticed him growing up too. It was pretty cool to see the evidence now.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of Bella giggling beside me. I glanced at her in time to see a little ball of paper bounce off her chin. She laughed louder. I turned to see where it had come from and saw Embry carefully ignoring her, looking the other way. We both stared at him for a moment before finally giving up, but as soon as we turned our eyes toward each other, a bit of pizza crust flew into Bella's lap.

"Gross, Em!" she laughed.

Emmett turned to her with a smartass grin and said, "What the fuck did I do?"

I had never seen Bella giggle like she did then, not even when we were watching MST3K together. I couldn't figure out what was so funny, and when I looked at her questioningly, she just shrugged helplessly and kept laughing.

I was distracted when a voice in my head grumbled, _Two._

_Two…what?_

There was no answer.

She had largely calmed down, though she was still grinning, when she put her hand on my knee and said, "Sorry about that…" She bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing again, and I shot a bewildered look at Emmett, who seemed awfully pleased with himself.

Not long afterward, people began taking their dishes into the kitchen and loading them in the dishwasher. It was mid-afternoon by that point, and several of the guys brought out their D&D manuals again to finish the characters they'd started making. Bella told me that they'd start playing the next night and would have a full-day session on Wednesday.

As soon as the table was cleared, the _Risk_ board came out again, this time with Paul, Alex, and Jane playing against each other. Apparently, the twins had brought their characters with them, and it had been easy for Paul to make his. The rest of the guys spent hours poring over the books, reading and rereading passages, calling out suggestions to each other, passing books back and forth.

We all settled comfortably in the living room. Bella needed space to work, so she and I were seated on the floor just in front of Felix, who was sprawled on the couch as he watched TV. She was stretched out, lying on her stomach as she read her _Dungeon Master's Guide_ with her feet in the air. I was reading through the _Monster Manual_, helping her fill in note cards she kept on each of the monsters. She kept glancing up at me with a smile that I returned, and I found myself wishing we could go to her room, just so we could be alone for awhile. I didn't even mind what we were doing – it was pretty fun actually. I just couldn't shake the feeling that we had an audience.

Suddenly, Quil reached over and snatched Bella's pen out of her hand as she was writing. She looked up with a dumbfounded expression for a minute and then laughed, pushing herself up to hit him. She was stretched out as far as she could go, and Quil was taunting her, holding it just out of reach.

_Three_.

I lost track of what was going on for a moment as I furrowed my brow and tried to figure out why the hell numbers kept popping into my head. From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella wrestle her pen out of Quil's hand, and he tickled her while she swatted at him.

_Four._

_Oh, fuck._

As soon as I realized what was happening, I tried to stop it. I could _not_ keep track of each touch, each little teasing between Bella and her friends. I _knew_ there was nothing to it. Quil was pretty cool, and I knew he wouldn't be that big of an ass – especially not right in front of me. They were just acting how they always acted.

So why should it bother me?

But it did, and – really - I knew why. She was just so relaxed with them…and even though she and I were making progress, there was always that sort of strained tension between us. I felt like I had to watch every move I made, and it was frustrating to see her so at ease with all these other guys. I'd already been through this with Jasper, so I would've thought that would make it easier this time. It didn't.

I knew it was irrational. I knew it was unfair. I knew I had to get that shit under control or it was going to drive me insane.

Bella settled back on the floor, shifting so that her hand was resting against my forearm. I smiled at her quietly, enjoying the contact between us as I forced my ridiculous jealousy away. I went back to helping her out, talking with her quietly. She reached over often to point out different passages and, occasionally, just to touch me.

I didn't pay particular attention when Embry brought a question to her, and they bent their heads close together…or when Jared leaned down to whisper something that made her giggle. I didn't notice very much when Felix stood up with a groan and tugged on her toe as he went to get another drink. I especially didn't really care when Bella tossed a die at Emmett, hitting him on the side of the head and making him frown at Jared.

It was while I was trying to ignore all of these things that Jake finally came back a few hours after he left. He glanced into the living room and then walked straight into the dining room, where he sat to watch the game. I watched as he leaned over, resting his elbows on the table to talk strategy with Paul, who was apparently losing.

Dismissing him, I glanced back at Bella and saw her winking at Embry as she grinned at something he said.

_Eighteen._

_What the fuck?_

Apparently I hadn't been as oblivious as I tried to be.

I sighed, making Bella glance up at me with a small smile. "Everything alright?" she asked.

I nodded and stood up, stretching with my arms over my head. "I think I just need to move a little bit. Want anything to drink?"

She told me she'd love some water, so I walked slowly into the kitchen to fix a couple of glasses. I used the time to try to focus on what was important, and I resolved again not to feel jealous about the way Bella acted with her friends. I was really happy that she had people she could be so comfortable around.

When I returned, I settled back in beside Bella and helped her copy a map she was using. She was so fucking cute. She built a little fort of books around us so the other guys couldn't see, and she kept leaning in to whisper to me. It was making it much easier to control the irrational monster that had been threatening to overtake me all day, and hours passed with relatively little effort on my part to ignore the friendly gestures that had so bothered me earlier.

There was a symbol on the map I didn't understand, and when I reached over to point it out to her, she caught my hand and kissed my finger, then smiled at me with a faint blush on her cheeks. She was so damn close, and the moment just felt so…right. If we hadn't been surrounded by our loud, laughing friends, I am very sure I would have kissed her at that moment. As it was, we simply watched each other in silence until I had to look away, or I would do it regardless of who was watching. I smiled at her, squeezing her hand before I let it go and went back to my drawing. I heard her give a soft sigh, but when I looked at her, she was just smiling contentedly at the book in her hands.

After we'd worked for awhile longer, Bella sat up with a groan, stretching and arching her back. She shifted around, sitting with her back against the couch just in front of Felix. He was lying down, watching TV with the remote resting on his chest. His hand raised as Bella settled back, and he began idly playing with her hair, his eyes still focused on the screen. I felt a growl rising from deep within, but what set me over the edge was the quiet smile that formed on Bella's face in response.

_Sixty-fucking-seven._

I couldn't take it anymore, and I felt that dangerous soon-to-be-out-of-control tension welling up in my chest. I really didn't want to snap and say something I'd regret. Every bit of my jealousy was completely unfair to Bella, and the last thing I wanted was to issue an ultimatum like a fucking cave man. I knew, though, that every second brought me closer to it.

I looked at the clock on the mantle, relieved to see it was nearly midnight. It was earlier than I would normally go, but it was at least late enough to make it believable.

Gathering all the self-control I had left, I closed my book and told Bella quietly, "It's getting kind of late. I think I'm going to head home."

She frowned at me with concern in her eyes, and I knew she had to be thinking it was early for me to leave. But all she said was, "Okay…I'll walk you out."

I hated the bit of hurt I saw, and I hated even more that she tried to hide it from me. Bella took my hand as we walked in silence to the door. I opened it and stepped through, standing under the overhang out of the pouring rain as I turned to tell her goodbye. She pulled me into a tight hug and rose up on her toes, whispering, "Please be careful. I love you."

I held her close for a moment, calming myself with the feeling of her in my arms and the fragrance that was purely Bella. I let her go with a sigh and caressed her cheek with the back of my hand, wishing that I was stronger and could stay without blowing up and making an ass of myself.

"I love you too," I told her quietly. "Sweet dreams, my Bella." I squeezed her hand one last time and then turned to walk to my car. I listened for the sound of the door closing as I walked, wanting to make sure she was safely inside. I heard it after a few steps and sighed again, my head dropping and my shoulders slumping as I contemplated spending the rest of the night at home alone. I was fucking frustrated with the whole situation – but most of all with myself. I hoped that getting away for awhile would help me make it through the next couple of days, and then things would go back to normal for Bella and me.

I frowned at that thought, remembering the last time I'd wished for things to go back to normal between me and my girlfriend.

_Fuck that._

This was _not_ going to be another Tanya situation. Bella and I had to work this shit out. Now.

Before I could go another step, I heard Bella's voice say, "Edward?"

I turned around quickly, surprised to find her just a few feet behind me. The expression on her face was heart-breaking – it was filled with confusion and fear. She looked as though she were about to cry, but I couldn't tell if it was just because of the rain streaking her face.

"Bella?" I asked like a fucking idiot. "What are you doing? Go back inside – you're going to get sick."

Instead, she took a few steps to reach me where I was standing just feet from my car. She stopped about a foot away and stood with her arms crossed over her chest, biting her bottom lip as her shoulders curved defensively inward. "Edward?" she asked again. "What's wrong? Did…did I do something?"

My instincts were to go to her, wrap her in my arms, and ease all her worries. Tell her nothing was wrong; I was fine. Just erase all of this and go on as we had been. But I knew from experience that that was the road to ruin for us, and I would not let that happen. I closed my eyes as I thought, clenching my jaw as I felt the rain dripping from my hair onto my cheeks. It was getting cold, and I would have suggested we go back inside, but there was a huge fucking audience there.

I opened my eyes again, looking at Bella as she stood there, shifting her weight from foot to foot. I hated that I was such a weak bastard that I couldn't even control my own envy, but she deserved to know.

I wanted to hold her, but it was a selfish desire, so I hooked my thumbs into the back pockets of my jeans and looked down at the ground as I admitted quietly, "I just had a really hard time seeing you be so…relaxed…with all the guys."

Apparently those same guys had realized Bella was missing because the front door swung open, and I glanced over her head to see a couple of them walk quietly out. I noted absently that Felix was barefoot and Embry was holding a manual before I looked back over at Bella.

"What do you mean?" she finally asked.

I sighed. "I just mean…" I broke off, scrubbing away some of the rain on my face with my hand. "It's just…" God, this was going to sound fucking terrible no matter how I said it. "I just feel like I have to be so careful with you, and it's hard to watch all these other guys touch you and tease you, and…" I shook my head. None of this was coming out right.

She just watched me, not saying a word. Between the dark parking lot and the rain, I couldn't fully read her expression, but what I saw didn't give me a lot of hope. Still, I couldn't just pretend this didn't matter. It was eating at me, making me crazy, and there was no way I could just forget it.

"I just don't understand, Bella…I mean, why not date one of them?" I inhaled sharply at the mere thought, the pain in my chest startling me. Now that I'd started, though, I didn't want to leave any of it unsaid, so I continued. My voice sounded strained, even to my ears. "You're obviously comfortable with them…even more comfortable than with me. Why me? Why not one of them?"

I grew quiet waiting for Bella to speak, and I glanced over her head to see that all the guys had stepped out now and were spread out beneath the overhang. Jasper was just in front of the door, watching us with an unreadable expression, and several of them had their arms crossed. The girls were nowhere in sight.

I felt the tension she was exuding just before Bella exploded, "You don't think I fucking tried? I used to pray every goddamn day that I would feel _something_ for one of them! Anything at all. It would be so much easier, and at least it meant I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my fucking life. But obviously no one was listening to _those_ prayers!"

She cut off suddenly, her shoulders shaking and her chest heaving as she visibly tried to calm herself. Her hands were in fists at her side, and I watched helplessly as she folded inward. Her head dropped, her eyes hidden from me. She said quietly, "Edward…I know how fucking frustrating this is. I…I understand if you don't want to do this anymore." Her voice was hopeless and choked with her tears by the end.

I heard Jasper's low voice say, "Alright, they don't need an audience…inside, guys," as I watched Bella, trying to think of what to say. How had I fucked this up so badly that she thought I didn't want to be with her?

I stared at her, completely at a loss as to what to say or do. I didn't know if I should go to her and comfort her – was I allowed that anymore? Was she really telling me that _she_ was done? I snapped out of my stupor when Jasper said, "I'm fucking serious, Jake."

Without even thinking about it, I took a step toward Bella and placed my hands on her cheeks, noticing how cold she was even as I tilted her head up so I could look into her eyes. The pain and fear I saw there took my breath away, and my frustration was forgotten in the wake of the agony I felt for making her doubt how I cared for her. She watched me for a moment and then bit her bottom lip, squeezing her eyes shut as her tears spilled onto her cheeks, becoming lost in the rain.

"Bella, sweetheart, I am _so_ sorry. That's not what I meant at all. I will never give up on you or want out of this – _ever_. I'm sorry I'm such a jealous prick. You deserve so much better, but I will always be here, trying to be a better man for you. Please say you'll let me…" This time it was my voice that was choked with emotion as I tried to tell her how I felt.

_What the fuck do I do if she says no?_

The silence in my head was deafening. I knew then that I would not be able to let her go.

I couldn't make myself speak. I could only stand there, helplessly trying to dry her tears as more spilled onto her soaked cheeks. Bella took a shaky breath and said the only words that could relax the constriction in my chest. "Edward, there's no one I want but you. You are the only person who's made me feel _anything_ for so long…" she bit her bottom lip, and I saw her face crumple, taking my heart with it. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up…all I want is to be everything you need. But I'm so afraid I never will be." She tore her gaze away from mine, looking down at the ground though my hands were still pressed against her cheeks.

My words followed just behind hers as I tried to reassure her. I couldn't have her thinking that _she_ wasn't good enough for _me_. The whole idea was ridiculous. I was the one who didn't fucking deserve her. "Bella, you are all I want. You're all I'll ever want. We'll get through this together, but I just enjoy everything we fucking have right now too. I'm not trying to push you somewhere you're not ready to go. I just…I was feeling so insecure and jealous, and I tried so hard not to. But I had to tell you…I can't stand the thought of anything ever coming between us. I could never leave you. You're everything to me."

Fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks at my words, and she just watched me as I wiped them away with my thumbs. I had no idea what she was thinking, but her eyes were roaming my face and my body, and there were countless emotions warring within them.

I stood there, struggling to breathe normally as I watched her. I didn't know how much time had passed, but each second felt interminable. I studied her face, noticing her cheeks were reddened and soaked from the rain and her tears. I saw Bella lick her lips before she breathed the words I'd been dying to hear from her. "Will you kiss me?"

I froze. My thumbs stopped moving on her cheeks, and I think I even stopped breathing. I was so utterly torn. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, and she was standing here, asking me to do just that. But why? Was she just doing this for me? Was she trying to prove something? Was this what she really wanted?

My questions were forgotten and any resistance broken when I heard my Bella whisper softly, "Edward…please…"

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**BPOV**

I stood there, crying in the freezing downpour as Edward stroked my cheeks tenderly. His words echoed in my mind…_I could never leave you. You're everything to me._

Everything to him.

What if what I could be for him was never more than a pale shadow of what he deserved? I couldn't stand the thought of him never being able to touch me – always having to hesitate, never reaching the point where we could just _be_ together in every way.

I looked at him, taking in every detail. I saw the way his jeans were hanging dangerously low on his hips, the weight from the water pulling them down and causing them to puddle around his ankles. His t-shirt was soaked, and for the first time, I could see each line of his chest through the translucent white fabric that clung to him. His hands were strong and gentle, his touch sending pulses of energy through me. The rain had soaked his hair, taming it for once and darkening it against his skin. I watched as water dripped from his hair over his cheeks, drawing my eyes to his lips.

I wanted him.

His beautiful face was agonized as he watched me, and I saw the questions in his eyes, but I couldn't answer them. I had no answers yet. Not for him, not for myself.

I hated myself.

I hated the way I had hurt him, making him jealous and angry. I hated that my body betrayed me so often, reacting to Edward with fear even though I knew he would never hurt me. I hated that I made him doubt I loved and wanted him in a way I'd never felt for anyone else.

I had never wanted to just be…_normal_…more than I did right then.

I had to know.

If I couldn't handle kissing him, I had to let Edward go. I couldn't hold onto him knowing I couldn't be what he needed…what he deserved. The thought fucking terrified me, but it was the least I could do for him.

I could barely get the words out as I whispered, "Will you kiss me?"

My heart dropped when his thumbs froze on my cheeks. His eyes widened, and he was absolutely still – I wasn't even sure if he was breathing any more. I didn't know what his stillness meant, but it made me realize that I was determined to do this, to be okay. I had to be. I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore.

As the seconds stretched into eternity, I began to worry. I saw the indecision in his eyes, and I was so afraid he was going to tell me no.

"Edward…please…" I begged.

Suddenly, his eyes were intense as he moved even closer to me. His hands slipped further back, his thumbs just in front of my ears as he leaned toward me. My breathing sped, and he whispered, "Are you sure?" only inches away from my lips. I licked my lips tentatively and nodded, tilting my face toward his.

I felt his soft lips meet mine, and suddenly my mind was in another place.

_Pain. Rage. Fear. Breaking. Falling. Blue eyes. Hate._

I knew Edward would pull away, and my hands quickly found his cheeks, holding him in place even as I otherwise froze. My teeth were grinding as I fought the memories. His lips were still so close, ghosting against mine as I whispered, "No…wait, please…it's okay…"

My panic began to fade with my thoughts of Edward, and I smiled against his lips. I felt a smile flicker across his face as I lifted myself, kissing him gently. He was still for a moment before he suddenly wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me close to him while his other hand cupped my cheek.

Our kiss was sweet and gentle, our lips pressed together as we shared our love in this wholly new way. My hands found their way into his hair, tangling in the soaked strands as I kept him close. I felt the warmth on my cheeks as fresh tears began to fall, but this time I was overcome with just how…_good _it felt to have him so close, to know him in this way – and to really feel the love he had for me in return for the first time. When he kissed me like this, it was impossible to doubt him. No matter how little sense it made, Edward…loved me. Just as I loved him.

Edward finally pulled away, resting his forehead against mine as he traced my cheeks with his thumbs. He whispered, "Oh, Bella…" and I smiled softly.

"Go Bella!" came Quil's muffled cheer.

We heard a scuffle as Jasper said, "I told you to get away from the fucking window!"

Edward and I laughed quietly, looking into each other's eyes. Our laughter faded into gentle smiles before he leaned down, kissing me again. This time, both his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly as he lifted me from the ground. My hands gripped his broad shoulders as I pulled myself closer, and I gave a soft sigh as his lips parted mine. We kissed slowly, our lips moving together as we began to learn each other. I felt my pulse quickening, my body responding in ways it hadn't in so long.

Our kiss ended, but Edward didn't move, whispering against my lips, "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name…"

My eyes opened, and I pulled back, looking at him curiously.

I watched as Edward licked his lips before he said softly, "It's always been you, Bella. I've waited my whole life for you, and I knew you the moment I saw you."

For once, his eyes weren't guarded as he spoke. The hesitation I'd seen in them so often was gone, and I knew he could feel my love just as I could his. I knew we still had a long way to go, but I felt elated at holding him…_kissing_ him…this way.

I felt the slow, wide smile spread on my lips as I took in his words, realizing that he _had_ meant what he said at the theater that night. My hand moved to his face, my fingers tracing his lips as I said simply, "I love you so much, Edward…"

"I love you too, Bella," was his quiet answer.

Water dripped down my neck, making me shiver, and I suddenly remembered that we were out here because Edward had been leaving. I frowned slightly at the thought, and Edward asked me what was wrong. I said, "I don't want you to go…"

He smiled again and said, "I'm not going anywhere, Bella."

I didn't think he quite understood what I meant, so I said, "No…I mean…I don't want you to leave tonight. Will you please stay with me?" I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him as I waited for his answer.

Without a pause, he said, "Of course I'll stay…but we really need to go back inside now. We're fucking soaked."

Something about the way he said it made me grin, and I hugged him close once more before we walked back into the apartment. I didn't even glance into the living room as we passed. I opened my bedroom door and motioned Edward inside before I turned to go into Jasper's room.

He was sitting on the corner of his bed with Alice beside him. He said quietly, "You alright, Bells?"

I smiled at them both and said the only thing I could - "Unbelievable."

Wide grins spread on both their faces, and Jasper simply nodded. I went to his dresser and pulled out dry pajamas for Edward, asking if it was alright. Jasper said it was, of course, and as I was walking past, he stood up and hugged me tightly, never mind the fact that I was soaking wet.

"I'm so fucking happy for you, Bella," he whispered, making me smile broadly.

I whispered back, "Thank you, Jazz," before I kissed his cheek. I squeezed Alice's hand and walked back down the hall to my room.

Edward was standing in the bathroom with his shoes and socks already off. My gaze was drawn again to the way his clothes were clinging to him, and I took a deep breath as I smiled at him. I pulled towels from the cabinet and placed them with the clothes on the counter. I took a couple of towels for myself and told him I'd change in my closet so he could come out whenever he was done. He smiled at me, his thumb tracing my bottom lip before he leaned in slowly and pressed his lips briefly to mine again.

I sighed contentedly, making him grin, and then I took my towels and left, closing the door behind me. I squished my way across my room, pulling my pajamas from the nightstand and underwear from my dresser before making my way to the closet. I had some trouble getting my shoes off, and I saw a small puddle of water left in each that I tried not to spill. I peeled my clothes off, making a face at the awful wet noise and the sudden chill on my skin.

I dried quickly and dressed, then wrapped one of the towels around my head. I picked up all my sodden things and opened the closet door to find Edward dry and sitting on the edge of my bed. His hair was still damp, and he looked a little cold, but he was easily the happiest I'd ever seen him. The tension that was so often in his eyes was gone.

I didn't say anything to him as I walked to my bathroom, but I knew my smile was just as big as his. I found Edward's shoes sitting upside down in the tub and added mine. His clothes were hanging over the shower curtain rod, and for some reason, the sight of his socks lined up there neatly made me grin. I saw the edge of his boxers peeking out from beneath his t-shirt, and I blushed, realizing I'd forgotten to bring him any dry ones.

_Does that mean…?_

I just shook my head, deciding not to dwell on the fact that Edward was going commando. Just the term made me blush when I combined it with him.

I quickly hung my clothes up as well and then started to towel dry my hair as I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like absolute ass with my hair hanging in wet strings around my face. My eyes were puffy and red from crying, and my cheeks were bright pink. I saw Edward's reflection as he moved into the doorway, and he said quietly, "Can I do that?"

I wasn't sure what he meant at first until he reached toward the towel. I bit my bottom lip to try to contain my smile as he took the towel and began drying my hair gently. I watched him in the mirror, and I was amazed at the look of…adoration on his face. He was treating me as if I were precious, and it made me love him even more.

He kept his eyes focused on what he was doing, and when he was satisfied that my hair was dry enough, he put the towel over the rack and asked, "Where's your brush?" in that same soft tone.

I wordlessly opened the drawer and pulled it out, handing it to him over my shoulder. He brushed my hair, gingerly working out the knots. I felt his breath brush against my cheek as he leaned closer, and my eyes closed briefly. When he finished, he stood behind me, both of us watching in the mirror as he put his arms around my waist. He pressed a soft kiss on my cheek, his eyes on the reflection of mine as he whispered, "I love you so much, Bella…thank you for trusting me…for everything…"

I turned and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him close as I kissed him lightly. The thrill I felt when my lips were pressed against his was unlike anything I'd ever known before, and I wondered what I'd been so afraid of.

A little voice tugged at the back of my mind, trying to remind me, but I ignored that shit. I was _not_ going to let anything ruin this night for me.

"Thank you for not giving up on me," I told him sincerely. "I've never loved anyone more." I took his hand and looked him in the eye for a moment before I turned…and led the way from the bathroom. I focused on breathing evenly, and with each step, I reminded myself that it was Edward walking behind me. My heart raced, but it was equal parts fear and pride.

He squeezed my hand just as I led him into the living room. The guys were sprawled out across the furniture and the floor as if nothing had happened, and I loved them just a little bit more too. Quil glanced over and grinned at me, unable to stop the happy look on his face. Emmett was having trouble containing himself as well and was practically bouncing on the loveseat beside Rosalie as he grinned at Edward. I giggled at the sight and settled back on the floor with Edward at my side.

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**A/N:** So Edward finally gets to kiss his girlfriend, despite some heartfail beforehand :) Hope you all enjoyed it!


	23. Ink and Instinct

_**A/N**__ – I am extremely sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'll spare you any details, but I spent three of the last five weeks traveling, and it wasn't very conducive to writing. I appreciate your patience, and I sincerely appreciate those of you who PM'd to ask if I was okay. Thank you so much for your concern – and for your continued interest in this story!_

_More A/N at the bottom – for now, let's get to what you came here to read :)_

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**BPOV**

I leaned back on my hands, feeling the rough brick bite into my palms as I sat atop the low wall surrounding the basketball court and watched the guys play. The games had been going on for a couple of hours now, but I was still mesmerized by the way Edward's muscles flexed and relaxed as he blocked Jake's jump shot. The guys had all started out wearing hoodies and sweatpants, but as they'd played, the layers had slowly come off. Edward was now wearing only a pair of Jasper's loose-fitting basketball shorts with one of his Under Armour shirts. The shirt was a thin white baseball jersey with midnight blue sleeves, and because he was a bit bigger than Jasper, it fit just a little too snugly.

Not that I was complaining.

I bit my bottom lip, my eyes focused on him as I vaguely heard the voices of the other girls talking beside me. The white fabric of his shirt was soaked with sweat, rendering it nearly transparent and allowing me to see the definition of his chest once again. His hair was darkened and lying flat against his head, dripping occasionally as he moved. All of it reminded me of the way he'd looked last night as we'd kissed in the rain, and my eyes closed as I sighed softly, imagining his lips on mine once again.

I knew I would always remember that first kiss…the way his hands caressed my cheeks as his lips pressed gently against mine…the juxtaposition of body heat and freezing rain…the mingling of excitement and nervousness and love. I had thought nothing could compare to our soft, sweet kisses beneath the starless sky. Edward had proven me wrong only a short while later in my bedroom.

After the guys had left last night, Jasper had surprised me by asking if he could talk to me. We'd left Alice and Edward standing in the hall and gone to his room, where he'd sat me down with a serious expression and asked if it would be alright if he and Alice spent the night at her apartment. I knew he was just watching out for me, so I tried my best to contain my excitement at the thought of a night alone with Edward. It had been so…freeing…when we'd gone to bed Friday night with no one around. I'd assured him I would be fine.

_Jasper gave me a small smile and said quietly, "I know you will be, Bells. I just have to make sure…you know?"_

_I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder with a soft sigh, a smile playing on my lips. "I know, Jazz. And you know how much I appreciate that, right?"_

_He nodded and put his arm around me, and we sat that way in silence until he finally squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "Alright, time for me to go, silly girl. Behave yourself now."_

_When I glanced over at him, he winked with a playful twinkle in his eyes, and I had to laugh as I poked his side. "You better behave too," I warned._

_His look of astonished innocence made me roll my eyes as we stood up to leave._

We'd found Alice and Edward waiting for us in the living room. Both were wearing bright, happy smiles that prompted my own. I'd felt a twinge of nervousness as Edward and I walked them to the door, but that had quickly faded as soon as the door was locked, and I was once again wrapped up safely in Edward's arms.

Jane's voice jarred me out of my memories as she said, "Looks like Embry's been working out…is that a new tattoo?"

I glanced at her sitting to my left and then followed her gaze, seeing that Embry had now taken off his t-shirt. When he turned to try to steal the ball from Jasper, I saw the tattoo Jane was talking about – it was black and looked like some sort of intricate knotwork on his left pec.

"Yeah, that one's new. He's been talking about it for awhile. I didn't know he finally got it," I said and tilted my head as I studied Embry. He did keep himself in good shape, and he had several other tattoos over various parts of his body, including the tribal piece that covered his bicep and shoulder and ran all the way up his neck to his ear. That one was my favorite, and I'd gone with him to get it. Embry had always indulged my fascination with his body art, even though he teased me whenever I asked to see one of them.

I looked away from Embry, and my eyes immediately found Edward again. This time, he was making a shot with his back to me, and I again noticed a darker spot on his shoulder blade that I'd seen a few times throughout the morning. I'd idly wondered what it was but thought it was just a weird shadow. However, after just checking out Embry's ink, it suddenly hit me.

"Hey…does Edward have a tattoo, Tink?" I blurted out, glancing over at Alice.

Alice nodded. "He and Emmett both got tattoos a couple of years ago. I've never seen Emmett's." Alice trailed off, prompting all three of us to look at her curiously. She watched us in silence with a mischievous grin before she suddenly giggled and said, "It's not somewhere I want to see."

We laughed with her, but Rosalie just arched an eyebrow and said, "Oh, this I have to see…" as her head swung back around to watch Emmett.

My mind drifted as I listened to the others talking, and I quietly made the same resolution.

_This I have to see_, I thought as I watched Edward play. The guys were all playing hard, and he and Jake seemed to be especially physical, bumping into each other as they fought for the ball. I thought about the fact that Edward would have to take his shirt off for me to see his tattoo, and I felt my cheeks heat. I considered how I felt about that, paying particular attention to the way my pulse and breathing sped, and it wasn't long before I realized I was excited by the thought. There was a twinge of fear there, but it seemed to be simply nervousness rather than fear of Edward.

I smiled and leaned back once more, letting my eyes close as I mentally prepared myself for being close to him again – this time, hopefully, with him shirtless. He had been so slow and careful with me, and I was beginning to worry that he would always have to be cautious, but last night had shown me that, even though I still felt irrational fear at times, we were able to be more relaxed than we had been. It was such a liberating realization, and I still hadn't quite absorbed all its implications.

_After Jasper and Alice had left and we were alone, I'd walked down the hallway several feet in front of Edward. This time, we weren't touching, and the loss of contact made it harder to remember that he was the one following me. I focused on keeping my feet moving at a steady pace, even when I felt a pang of panic. Edward had done nothing to earn my fear, and I was determined to become as comfortable with him as I was with Jasper._

_Once or twice, I'd nearly turned around, but I just kept going, working to relax the knot of tension in my shoulders. By the time I reached my bedroom, the strange high I'd been riding ever since I'd overcome my fear and kissed Edward had taken over. With abandon, I'd giggled as I dashed across my room and hopped onto my bed._

_Edward stood watching me in the doorway, so I playfully patted the bed beside me. At first, he took a few slow steps, but then his face broke into a huge grin as he jumped onto the bed with me. He tickled me mercilessly, and I was left gasping for breath before he stopped._

_My hair was a mess, tangled across my face, and I beamed up at him as he brushed it aside. There were no thoughts in my mind as Edward leaned over, kissing me tenderly. For the first time, there was only desire. Want. Need. I brought him closer to me, pulling his body against mine as my hand found the back of his head. His left hand moved to my waist, meeting my bare skin just above my hip. Edward moaned softly as his thumb began making gentle circles on my belly, and the sound and sensation were almost too much…but I just wanted more. I pressed myself closer to him as my other hand began tracing lines along his back and my lips pressed more urgently against his. Still, I wanted even more. I wanted to taste him._

_Instinct took over as the tip of my tongue met his bottom lip, and I almost sighed when he froze. I needed this. I needed _him_. Before I could grow too frustrated, Edward was again in motion as he moved closer to me and his tongue softly met mine. We both moaned, and the sound broke me out of the fog of desire I'd lost myself in._

_Suddenly, I was unsure what to do. It had been so long since I'd kissed anyone this way, and it seemed awkward and forced. I was over-thinking it, trying to figure out if I was doing it right. But as Edward's lips and tongue and taste and the fluttery feeling of his breath against my cheek began to dominate my senses, I found myself kissing him in earnest. Both my hands were in his hair, keeping him close as my yearning again took over._

_I wasn't sure how long we kissed that way, but when Edward's arm around my waist pulled me closer, I wanted still more. Pressing against him gently, I shifted us so that I was lying partially on top of him, and I relished the feeling of his strong, firm body beneath mine. He kept me moving, so that I was finally lying atop him with one of my thighs between his. Once more, I felt the tell-tale hardness pressed against my hip, but instead of frightening me this time, it excited me. When Edward's hands gripped my hips and he thrust against me in response to our contact, I felt a strange surge of pride._

_I had done this to him._

_And I wasn't afraid._

_More._

_I didn't really know what more to do, but I knew I wanted to keep going. For the first time in longer than I cared to remember, I felt lust rather than fear, and I wanted to keep that feeling alive._

_Edward pulled back, his lips breaking away from mine as he whispered hoarsely, "We should probably go to sleep…" _

_I expressed my exasperation with a small grunt before what I was doing flooded my mind. I was taunting Edward, making all of this even harder for him than it needed to be. I don't know what I'd thought I was doing, but I had definitely lost control and was being steered by the euphoria I felt at making such progress. I really wasn't ready for all of it yet, and Edward – once again – was looking out for me, working so hard to control his own desire. It was unfair to him, so I slid off of him with a quiet, "Sorry…"_

As always, he'd refused to let me wallow in my remorse, leading us to one of those extremely honest, sometimes awkward and embarrassing conversations I was beginning to love about us. We'd talked about desire and kisses, and he'd made me feel precious and special. He had talked about how our first kiss meant something to him and that the feeling was something he'd forgotten. Of all the words he'd said, I had been most touched when he said, "Thank you, Bella, for bringing that feeling…that meaning back into my life. I feel alive every time I kiss you…hell, every time I touch you or you smile at me, and I've felt nothing at all for so long now. You give me so much, and you make me so happy, and I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am."

My mind was still focused on our night together, and I was at first annoyed and then alarmed when I heard masculine voices yelling at each other. I sat up straight, opening my eyes. I saw Jacob shove Edward just before Edward shoved him back, and I muttered, "Fuck!" as I hopped down off the wall. I took a step toward them, but Rosalie moved forward and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Hang on," she said. "They've got to get this shit settled sometime."

I frowned and raised my hand, biting my thumbnail as I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I couldn't tell what the two of them were saying, but they were arguing about something with the game. After the way Jake had been acting over the last couple of days, though, I had a feeling that the real problem was something else.

At once, Felix and Jasper both stepped between them, Jasper pushing Edward back lightly with a hand on his chest while Felix twisted the front of Jake's shirt in his fist. He pulled Jake off to the side and started talking to him in a low voice with an angry look on his face while Emmett, Jasper, and Embry circled around Edward. I watched as Edward frowned and argued briefly before Embry made some sort of joke, and Edward finally cracked a smile. He shook his head, and the four of them stood there for a little longer, talking and laughing before they walked over to us in a group.

My eyes were drawn to Edward, and my breathing hitched as he walked my way, making me roll my eyes at myself.

_Fucking hell, Bella. You'd think you've never seen a man sweat before._

_Not one that looks like that I haven't…_

_And definitely not with the way he's looking at me now._

I resisted the impulse to fan myself like some goddamn Southern belle in an old movie. Instead, I just smiled and grabbed a bottle of water, twisting off the cap and holding it out for him when he came close. He took it from me and threw his head back, draining the whole thing at once while I indulged myself in staring at the way his Adam's apple bobbed and his bicep flexed.

"Thanks," he said, and the breathless quality in his voice made me bite my bottom lip.

As I watched, he reached over his head and grabbed the back of his shirt just beneath the neck. He pulled it off and used it to wipe the sweat from his face and arms, then scrubbed it through his hair before he stepped to the side to put it on the wall a few feet away from me. He moved back in front of me with a grin on his face, and it seemed his annoyance was gone.

My curiosity wasn't, though, so I asked, "What was that about?"

Edward grimaced and shrugged. "Jake thought I was guarding him too closely, and he got pissed off." The look in his eyes said he didn't believe it, and I didn't either. I frowned.

He smiled at me in understanding and said, "It's fine, really. Jasper's going to cover him, and I'm going to take Embry."

I made a face and nodded with a sigh before we both turned to look at the others standing near us. I saw that the other guys had taken their shirts off as well, but what I noticed more than that was that I felt…nothing…when I looked at them. They were active guys, and they all had good builds. They were in shape. I knew they were attractive. They just weren't to me.

I took a moment, studying each of them in turn to see if I could figure out the difference between Edward and the rest of them.

Jasper was tall and slender, but he was well-muscled, mostly in his arms and shoulders from the carpentry work he enjoyed doing when he had time. He had a long, thin scar that began just to the left of his navel and disappeared beneath his shorts, and the contrast between the lighter scar and his tanned abdomen was interesting. I knew it would draw most eyes.

Not mine.

I shrugged and turned to look at Embry, once again noticing the tattoo that covered his shoulder. It was definitely my favorite feature of his, but I appreciated it in an abstract art sort of way. His skin was a deep woodsy brown that always seemed warm, and he was tall with a strong, solid frame.

Nothing.

Shifting my eyes to Emmett, I realized this was the first time I'd seen him without a shirt as well. He was taller than Edward, but his stocky build made him seem shorter. His arms were ridiculously huge, and the time he'd spent at the gym with Edward ensured that his torso was easily as muscular. He had a cute grin with adorable dimples, and his eyes were always bright and mischievous.

Not a damn thing.

But just glancing at Edward again, I reflexively bit my bottom lip as I took in the sight of his bare chest for the first time. The hours he spent working out had obviously done him good, as he was lean and toned. His entire upper body was a mass of muscles and tanned flesh given definition in the way his biceps bulged and the rippling six-pack that ended just above his shorts, which were low enough to reveal the deep V of his abdomen. He was still covered in a light sheen of sweat, and my lips parted at the mere thought of tasting him again.

Abruptly, I realized I was simply gaping at him and forced my eyes to travel back up to his face. He was watching me with a crooked grin, and I felt my cheeks heat as I smiled at him shyly. He winked at me playfully, making my heart skip.

_Cocky, isn't he?_

I loved it. I grinned in return, and he reached out, squeezing my hand. Just then, Jake and Felix walked back out onto the basketball court, and the other guys turned to join them. As he was walking away, I managed to get a closer look at the tattoo on Edward's right shoulder blade and was surprised at what I saw.

_Transformers?_

_Wait…Decepticons?_

"Hey, Rose?" I said, interrupting the conversation going on beside me. If anyone would know that symbol, Rose would. _Transformers_ had been her favorite cartoon since we were kids and she realized the robots turned into cars.

"What's up, Bella?" she answered, and I tore my eyes away from Edward's retreating back to look over at her sitting on the wall.

I nodded my head toward him and said, "Can you tell what that symbol is on Edward's back?"

She leaned forward, resting the palms of her hands on the edge of the wall as she peered at him. "Huh," she said. "Well, what do ya know? Eddie-boy's got a darker side. I would've pegged him for an Autobots kind of guy."

"Decepticons, right?" I asked, and she nodded with a smirk. I frowned slightly and leaned back again, relaxing as I watched the game. I would've been sure he'd go for the Autobots too.

_A mystery…_

_Even more reason to get him alone and half-naked._

I blushed at my own thought.

_What? You know you want to._

I shook my head, trying to clear it of the uncharacteristic thoughts. So far, I was really proud of the way I'd been able to be with Edward, but part of me felt dread. I hoped that there was no need for it, but I'd spent so many years dealing with the residual terror that I didn't truly believe it was gone for good. All I could do was take things slowly, trust Edward, and work on getting through it with him.

With a soft sigh, I frowned, but I wasn't able to give in to those darker thoughts because I heard Jane ask, "Alice?"

Something in the tone of her voice immediately put my back up, so I straightened and looked over at her, only to find that she was staring at Jasper appraisingly. She was lightly biting the end of her index finger, and I saw Alice's eyes narrow as she glared at Jane.

_Oh, fuck._

"Yes?" Alice said curtly. I had never heard such a flat tone in her voice. Rosalie and I exchanged glances over Alice's head, and we both slipped down off the wall. Rose crossed her arms in front of her chest and arched an eyebrow, but it was lost on Jane, whose attention was focused wholly on Jasper.

In an absent, breathless voice, Jane said, "Tell me…does Jasper still like it when you lick that scar _all_ the way down?"

"Jane!" Rosalie's voice joined mine in one appalled chorus as Alice dropped down off the wall and walked deliberately toward Jane. Her face was purple with rage, and her hands were clenched into fists by her thighs.

Alice's voice quavered with the force of her anger as she said, "That is _none_ of your fucking business!"

I blinked and looked at Rosalie, who was staring at me with a wide-eyed expression of disbelief that mirrored mine. We both stayed where we were, frozen in place as we listened to Alice tear into Jane.

"I have had enough of your disgusting insinuations. I am done watching you eyefuck Jasper every single time I look at you. I've tried being nice, but you've been nothing but a nasty bitch to me since you got here. I told Jasper not to say anything to you about it, but that's it. I'm through." Alice's voice, which had started out as a low, trembling threat became hard and cold by the end. Her chin was lifted, and she seemed to tower over Jane despite her smaller stature. Her eyes were raging with fury and disdain.

Jane looked shocked, and she sputtered, "That…that's not what I…I never!"

Alice's eyes widened in disbelief, but I barely registered that fact as my own rage surfaced. "Oh, don't even try to say you haven't been fucking drooling over Jasper and trying to provoke Alice since you got here." My voice was laced with contempt as I shot Jane a withering look. She opened her mouth to speak again, but I cut her off. "Look, Jasper's taken. He loves Alice. And you _will_ respect her, or you can fucking leave."

Jane stared at me incredulously before her eyes narrowed to slits. She huffed indignantly and then turned on her heel and stalked off toward our apartment, her gait stiff and every inch of her radiating anger.

The three of us stood in silence, watching her leave. I was the first to move, and when I glanced at Alice, I saw her eyes filling with tears. I frowned. "Hey," I said, "don't let her get to you."

Rosalie took her hand, and Alice shook her head, wiping her cheeks with her other hand. "I'm not upset…I'm…I'm fucking…_pissed_!"

I felt the grin spread on my face, and a stunned chuckle burst out of me. Alice frowned at me, making me laugh harder. I finally said, "Damn, Tink…I didn't even know you knew how to use that word. I'm impressed."

Alice glared at me for just a moment before one corner of her mouth turned up into a crooked smile that reminded me intensely of her brother. She angrily scrubbed away the fresh tears that spilled onto her cheeks, unable to control the flood of emotions coursing through her. I knew how she felt, and I hated that feeling.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jane emerge from my apartment with Paul, and I worked to distract Alice as they got into Jane's car and pulled away. "Honestly, though," I began, "she's not worth worrying about. She's just being a bitch because she's never had any competition for these guys."

Alice rolled her eyes and glanced pointedly between Rosalie and me. Rose laughed and said, "Seriously…no interest at all. Ever."

"And well, you know my umm…situation…" I bit my bottom lip, hating to bring it up even indirectly. Alice gave me an understanding look and squeezed my hand. I'd given Jasper the go ahead to tell her after I'd told Edward, but I wasn't really sure what she knew yet since I hadn't had a chance to talk to him afterward. I shrugged, shaking off the uncomfortable feelings. "So Jane's used to have the captive audience all to herself. She knows better than to pick on either of us…I think she was taking out her frustration on you."

Alice still looked disgruntled – and with good reason – so I joked, "Obviously she chose the wrong pixie to pick on, huh?"

Eyes narrowing, Alice reached out and pinched the shit out of my arm. I twisted away, laughing as I rubbed it. "Damn it!"

She finally smiled and then exhaled in an annoyed huff. "Why the hell is she around anyway? Is she always like this?"

I shrugged and glanced at Rosalie, who wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. Finally, she sighed and said, "No, she's usually not this bad. She's always…"

"Gross," I supplied, making Rose grin.

"Well, yes," she continued. "She's always a little too…affectionate, if you can call it that, with a couple of the guys, but it's never really been an issue. All consenting parties, you know? But now that you've taken away her favorite target, she's playing dirty."

"Or trying to," I added with a smirk. "Clearly not having any luck there. Not only does Jasper ignore her, but you fucking put her in her place."

Alice frowned. "I still don't get it. She's not very nice, and she obviously makes some of the guys uncomfortable. Why is she here?"

"Well…" I began. "She's mainly around because of Alex, I guess."

"But why's Alex here? He doesn't exactly fit in either." Alice's annoyance was beginning to give way to curiosity, and we all three slowly moved back toward the wall. I hopped up on it again, while Rose and Alice leaned back against it. I noticed that the guys had stopped playing and were watching us, but as I glanced over at them, Edward passed the ball to Emmett, and the game began again. Jasper stood still a moment longer, his eyes finding mine. I nodded, letting him know Alice was okay, and he nodded in return before rejoining the game.

I smiled. "Alex is awesome, actually. He's really an amazing role player, and he's a lot of fun. He just sort of…smokes a little too much sometimes."

Rosalie snickered. "That's all true. But that's not why Alex is part of the group."

I groaned as she gave me a wicked smile. "Rose…"

Both of Alice's eyebrows were raised, her eyes wide, as she said, "What do you mean?"

Feeling the heat on my cheeks, I exhaled loudly and rolled my eyes. "I had some classes with Alex in tenth grade. He'd just moved to Forks, and I felt bad that he didn't know anyone, so I sat next to him and talked to him. And umm…well…I sort of had a crush on him. So when I found out he liked D&D, I invited him to play with us." I shrugged. "He asked if he could bring his twin sister, and it just kind of went from there."

"Jane's usually okay," Rosalie interjected. "I mean, she's always a little weird, but she's normally pretty funny. I think she actually did care about Jasper, and that's turned her into a raging bitch around you, apparently."

"Wonderful," Alice muttered.

"Don't let it get to you," I said again. "She'll come around eventually. I'm sure she's gone off with Paul to ehh…deal…with things."

"Oh, ugh. Seriously, Bella. Must you give me that visual?" Rosalie shuddered and moved to sit on the wall again. After a moment, Alice joined us, and we sat in silence as we watched the guys play again. They had to be getting tired – the sun was nearly directly overhead, and they'd started playing just after a sunrise breakfast. I was watching a scuffle between Felix and Emmett over the ball when Rosalie spoke up quietly, almost timidly.

"Emmett's taking me out on a date this afternoon."

Game forgotten, both Alice and I looked at her. I felt the slow grin forming on my lips as Alice let out a muffled squeal and babbled, "Oh my god! That's so exciting! Where are you going? When did he ask you? Oh, no! What are you going to wear? Do we have time to do your hair?" Suddenly, she gasped and put a hand over her mouth. "Have you kissed yet?"

Rose just laughed and shook her head, waiting for the torrent to slow. When Alice trailed off, she answered. "He just asked me last night…he said he tried to wait, but he just couldn't anymore." A very uncharacteristic blush bloomed on Rosalie's cheeks as she glanced back over at the game. She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her smile, her gaze still on Emmett. "And no, we haven't kissed. He wants to do things the right way."

Not content to leave it at that, Alice and I pushed for details, and soon Rose was telling us all about how Emmett had come to the hotel every day since they met. They'd spent a lot of time talking and holding hands, and they always parted with a hug. She said they'd talked about everything they could think of. They got along really well, and she'd been surprised by how much they had in common. Apparently, they'd been arguing about whether the Dodge Coronet or the Charger was the better Super Bee when Emmett suddenly asked her out.

It had been a long time since I'd seen Rosalie's eyes as alive as they were, and I loved the smile on her face. The smile Emmett had put there. I'd have to thank him.

"We don't have a lot of time before the game tonight, so we're going out for sushi and then for a walk. He said that talking to me was his favorite thing to do, so he wanted to make sure there was plenty of time for that on our date."

As the chorus of "aww" was still drifting in the air, I realized how natural it all seemed – and how strange it really should have felt. Normally, I would have been inside while the boys played basketball, preparing for the session tonight and waiting for one of them to come in with a bloody nose or scraped elbows. But with Edward's help, I was all set for the game. Besides, it felt great to be out here instead, watching them play and squealing excitedly over dates with Rosalie and Alice.

I liked it.

And I found that I wanted to take part in it.

"Hey," I began cautiously. "Umm…I need some advice."

The other two paused in their chatter about what Rosalie should wear that afternoon and glanced over at me with smiles. "What's wrong, Bella?" Alice asked when I didn't say anything else.

I was suddenly nervous about what I wanted to ask, and I took a deep breath to try to calm myself. Wearing an embarrassed grin, I cleared my throat and had to look away from them, focusing once again on Edward as he played. "Well, I ahh…I kind of want to umm…" I bit my bottom lip. "To be alone with…Edward…for a little while. But it's always so crowded around here now, and I don't really want to just…drag him off to my bedroom in front of everyone or…" I trailed off, feeling the heat all the way from my neck to my ears.

My blush deepened when Alice giggled, but she said, "Oh, that's easy."

I looked at her quickly, arching an eyebrow. "It is?"

"Yeah." It was Rose who answered. "Just ask him if you can go with him when he goes to take a shower today." She shrugged.

My eyes widened. "Huh."

They both laughed softly, and Rosalie winked at me, saying, "You're just not quite devious enough yet, Bella. You'll get there."

"I don't want to be devious." I frowned, thinking of the way Edward valued honesty so highly.

"Trust me. Edward wouldn't mind you being devious if it means you're alone with him at his apartment." Alice wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, whatever," I joked, my heart suddenly lighter. "You don't get to make that face. I've been gagging around you and Jasper for _months_ now."

Rosalie joined in, and soon the three of us were teasing each other mercilessly. At first, we didn't even notice when the game ended, but sooner than I expected, I was aware of Edward approaching me. He was breathing heavily and wearing nothing but his shoes, Jasper's shorts, and a devilish grin that left me breathless as well.

"Hi," I said stupidly. I laughed at myself and shook my head, trying to clear it. Reaching for another bottle of water, I opened it and handed it to him as we stared at each other in silence while the conversations of the others surrounded us.

After he'd drained the bottle, he smiled at me with a soft, "Hi," of his own. He handed the empty bottle back to me, and I capped it, adding it to our bag of trash. When I glanced back up at him, he was standing a little closer, and I saw his eyes flicker to my lips as he licked his own. He kept his distance, though, and I wondered why. We hadn't really kissed since early this morning, when we'd exchanged a few sweet good morning pecks. I wasn't quite sure how that new development was going to fit into our relationship – I wondered if maybe Edward was unsure too.

_All the more reason to get him alone._

_Yeah, we definitely need to talk._

_Umm…right. Talk. Yes, that's what I meant._

"Dude, I _told_ you we were gonna school you!" Emmett's triumphant voice drew my gaze, and I giggled at him. He was practically strutting, taunting Felix, who just watched him with a grin. Embry and Jake had disappeared, but Felix and Emmett were settling the terms of the bet.

"Yeah, yeah…you got us." Felix's smile was easy and amused. "Lucky you had Cullen, though, because your sorry ass would've never made that three-pointer at the end."

Emmett threw back his head and laughed exuberantly, and I missed what he said as I turned to Edward. "You made a three-pointer and won the game?"

He nodded. "Yeah, you didn't see it?" As I shook my head, his face fell and his lower lip actually poked out a bit.

_So fucking cute._

_Just want to bite it._

_Wait. What?_

My only answer was a small giggle.

I reached out, my fingers curling under his chin as my thumb traced that pouty lower lip lightly. I smiled at him softly and whispered, "Sorry…I was actually umm…well, getting some advice from Rosalie and Alice."

Edward kissed my thumb before he took my hand, lowering it between us. His smile returned, though it wasn't as bright as before. "What sort of advice did you need?"

I bit my bottom lip and watched him for a moment before I decided to just tell him the truth. My heart fluttered as I admitted, "Well…I needed advice on how to find some time…with you…umm…a…alone…"

His smile faded before blossoming into that delicious crooked grin that I loved. He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss on my forehead. His lips had that strange coolness that comes only from sweating and exertion, and I found myself wanting to pull him closer and taste the salt on his skin. He didn't make it any easier for me, his lips brushing against my skin as he whispered, "All you ever have to do is ask."

He stayed close for a moment longer, and when he pulled away, we were both smiling. Squeezing my hand, he helped me down from the wall, and we talked to everyone else for a few minutes, making arrangements for the rest of the day. Because his team lost the game, Felix was paying for Chinese to be delivered at 4:00, which was when we were all due back to start our gaming session. The guys were going to the hotel in the meantime to clean up and relax a bit, while Rosalie and Emmett were going on their date. I shyly told Jasper that I was going back to Edward's for the afternoon, and he flashed Edward a meaningful look before he nodded to me.

Time seemed to speed up, and before I knew it, I was sitting in Edward's Volvo. He was beside me atop the towels spread out in the driver's seat, and we were zooming through the streets of Seattle back to his apartment. A comfortable silence filled the car, broken at times by Edward's alluring voice as he sang softly with whatever happened to be playing.

As Audioslave ended and I heard the next song begin, I broke into an amused smile. When Edward sang, "I like the way your sparkling earrings lay against your skin, it's so brown," I finally laughed quietly. He looked over at me with a grin. "What?"

I snickered. "'Set this fucker off' to 'Peaceful, Easy Feeling' without a pause? I thought I was the only one with completely unpredictable playlists."

Edward chuckled and shrugged. We talked about music for the rest of the drive. It was a subject that had come up several times before, and this time we focused on our favorite bands of the 70's. We were debating the merits of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin when we pulled up to Edward's complex, and he parked the car.

The sudden silence was deafening. We watched each other for a moment before he cleared his throat and said, "So…we're here…"

"Yeah…I guess…" I answered, swallowing as I glanced at his door and my nerves decided to make their presence known. When I looked back at Edward, he was wearing such a look of concern that I couldn't help but smile tenderly.

_What the fuck am I nervous about? This is Edward._

When there was no argument from any of my other voices, I grinned and took his hand, winking as I said, "Come on."

Flashing me a quick smile, Edward climbed out of the car and grabbed the towels before he shut the door. By the time I'd unfastened my seatbelt, he was already opening my door, and I had to smile at the way his speed revealed his excitement at being alone with me as well. It helped calm my nerves as I slipped my hand into his.

Once we were inside, Edward tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter, and I followed behind him as he wandered into the living room. He squeezed my fingers before dropping my hand and saying, "Do you want anything to drink?"

I shook my head and shifted my feet a little awkwardly, wondering what to do now. Edward ran his fingers through his hair and then looked me directly in the eye as he said softly, "Make yourself at home, Bella."

Biting my bottom lip, I lowered my chin and smiled up at him through my eyelashes, finding myself a little bashful at the implication of his words. Like so many times before, he lifted my chin with a quiet smile. He breathed, "You are so beautiful," and gently placed his lips against mine, his hand moving to cup my cheek. We watched each other in silence, our faces scant inches apart, before he straightened and cleared his throat. He told me he was going to take a shower and that he meant what he said – I was free to do whatever I wanted.

I watched as he disappeared into his room without closing the door. I heard the sounds of drawers opening and closing, and then I saw him cross the doorway again, going into his bathroom. That door closed with the click of the lock, and I grinned as the water was turned on. Before doing anything else, I stepped on the heels of my shoes, pulling them off and leaving them by the couch.

I stood in the center of his living room, undecided, before my eyes fell on his entertainment center. There was something freeing about being in his apartment unsupervised, but it left me feeling a little bit mischievous as well. I realized I really could go through anything I wanted without him knowing it. Instead of taking advantage of that, though, I decided to just enjoy – and earn - the trust he was placing in me.

I'd already looked through his DVDs and games, so I moved toward the wooden shelves filled with CD cases and began reading the titles as I hummed to myself happily. I was surprised to find that Edward was extremely organized, with his CDs being filed by genre and then alphabetically. His jazz collection was extensive, and I didn't recognize most of those titles, though I liked the ones I knew. I smiled broadly at his Grunge selection but noticed Pearl Jam's _Vitalogy_ was conspicuously absent. I shook my head and made a mental note to fix that – no library was completely without "Better Man."

After looking through the rest of his collections from classical to classic rock, I moved over to check out his DVDs again, wondering if they were just as organized. I'd been a little too preoccupied the last time I'd been at his apartment to pay much attention. Not surprisingly, they were, and I found myself grinning a bit as I saw his selection of musicals stuck between the classics and dramas. He also had a small but impressive assortment of anime DVDs, including the newly released _Death Note_ boxed set I'd already asked Jasper to get me as a Christmas gift.

_The boy has good taste._

As I straightened again, I realized I wasn't sure how long Edward had already been in the shower, so I abandoned his media collection and took a look around the rest of the room. It seemed bare for some reason. I'd noticed the empty mantle before, but I hadn't quite realized the extent of it. There were no pictures anywhere. No framed paintings, no posters, no family pictures…nothing.

The barren walls and mantle stood in stark contrast to the warm woods, soft leather, and inviting upholstery of the rest of the room. It didn't seem right. I wondered why Edward had never bothered putting any pictures out – maybe he just liked it this way. I really didn't think that was the case, though I couldn't say why…and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever put a picture of me in here.

Pursing my lips, I took a last look around his living room and stuck my hands in my pockets. I rocked back and forth on my heels a couple of times, wondering if I should check out his kitchen…or his bedroom.

In the end, curiosity got the best of me, and my feet carried me toward Edward's bedroom before I even knew I'd made a decision. Once I got there, I peeked through the open doorway, looking left and right. The water was still running in the bathroom, so I finally bit my bottom lip and stepped through cautiously. I tiptoed to the center of his room and glanced into his closet, grinning stupidly at the sight of his clothes hanging there and the row of shoes lined up neatly at the bottom. The shirt on the end was some sort of short-sleeved white cotton jersey, and I could see thick letters spelling out "CUL" before the rest was blocked by the wall.

Unable to resist, I moved to the closet and pushed the shirt back so I could see "CULLEN" spelled out in purple block letters edged in yellow. My lips curved into a small smile as I shifted the shirt to look at the front, where I found "WASHINGTON" emblazoned across the chest with a number "8" below the final "N." I lifted the bottom of the jersey, pressing it against my face as I inhaled the clean fragrance of Edward's detergent and the faint, lingering scent of sandalwood. The cotton was soft from many washings, and I found myself thinking about how comfortable it would be.

Biting my bottom lip, I smiled quietly as I adjusted the clothes back to their original positions and looked around the closet. There were a few boxes on the top shelf, but there was none of the dust or clutter I'd come to expect from Jasper's closet.

_Definitely neat._

As I made my way back into Edward's room, I glanced around, noting once more the lack of pictures on the walls. His bedroom was very Spartan, with only a dresser, a bed, and a nightstand, all in smooth black cherry with clean lines. The headboard was tall and rectangular with carved vertical lines, and all of the pieces were on thin, round legs. The hardware was simple polished nickel, and a slender lamp fitted with a tan shade stood on top of the nightstand next to an alarm clock. Piled haphazardly beside the clock were several comic books, and I gave a nearly silent giggle when I saw them. They just seemed so at odds with the rest of the tidy apartment.

I moved around the bed to see which they were and caught sight of a laundry basket full of folded clothes sitting on the floor. I don't know why, exactly, but I loved seeing it there. It was almost as if the presence of laundry was tangible proof that Edward lived here. He ate and slept here, got dressed here, studied here…and now he'd invited me here.

_You mean, he didn't object when you invited yourself here._

_Same thing._

_Umm…no, not really._

_Shut up._

I heard a mental snicker and shrugged to myself as I navigated around the basket and sat on the edge of Edward's bed. The comforter was soft down, lighter and fluffier than the old, heavy quilt I preferred to use at my place. I began looking through the comics, mumbling quietly, "_Batman, Batman, Spiderman…_" That one brought a grin. _"Avengers…_ooh, _Watchmen_!" I slipped the graphic novel out from beneath the others and began flipping through it, reacquainting myself as I looked for Rorschach's story – it had always fascinated me.

Finding chapter six, I began reading and was very soon completely absorbed in the story. The raspy voice I always assigned to Rorschach in my head was just saying, "Once a man has seen, he can never turn his back on it, never pretend it doesn't exist," when a very different, melodic voice murmured, "Brushing up for the movie?"

I jumped a bit, snapping the book closed as I turned to see Edward standing in the doorway of his bathroom. He was leaning against the frame with a lazy grin, and it was almost embarrassing how quickly my eyes drifted downward. He was wearing a light gray v-neck t-shirt that fit him well, subtly emphasizing the sculpted torso I'd now seen uncovered – and hoped to again within a matter of minutes. Resting low on his hips were dark wash jeans that were well-worn with a series of holes scattered around. As I watched, he lifted one arm over his head, allowing me a glimpse of green boxers peeking over the waist of his pants before my gaze rose to follow the movement. He ran his fingers through his hair before somewhat self-consciously scratching the back of his neck, and I smiled when I caught sight of the leather cuff watch around his wrist. He hadn't shaved, and I gave a happy internal sigh at the way his stubble darkened his jaw.

As soon as my eyes met his, he pushed away and came over to sit a few feet away, facing me with one knee pulled up on the bed. I put the book back on the nightstand, finally finding my voice. "Oh, yeah…I sort of love Rorschach. I guess you were getting ready for the movie, too?" As I spoke, I moved to close the distance between us, shifting closer so that our knees touched.

Edward smiled and reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear as he nodded. "Will you go with me to see it?"

His question came out of nowhere, and I blinked, saying the first thing that came to mind. "But it doesn't come out for months…"

He raised an eyebrow with an impish grin. "And? Planning to leave me so soon?"

I bit my bottom lip, shaking my head slowly. "Well, when you put it that way…I'd love to…" I trailed off, my eyes drifting to his lips as he took my hand. The silence between us lengthened, prompting me to look back up into his eyes. The green was bright today with shades of dark malachite and lighter jade mixed within the emerald. His face was relaxed and his lips curved into the slightest hint of a smile, but still he stayed away.

A bit unnerved, I squeezed his hand and said, "So…umm…" and then wracked my brain, trying to think of something to talk about. We'd never really had this sort of strained weirdness before, and I knew it was because all I wanted to do was pull him back on the bed and kiss him until he wouldn't let me anymore. "Oh…"

"Oh?" he asked, a soft, playful smile now on his lips that matched the slightly mischievous glimmer in his eyes.

"Oh, I was just going to say that I didn't know you had a tattoo. I saw it today when you umm…took your shirt off…" I felt the faint blush on my cheeks as I remembered how Edward had looked in the weak sunlight this morning.

If he thought the change of subject was odd, he didn't say anything, just nodded. "Yeah, I got it a couple of years ago. It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"No," I answered definitively with a grin. "I love them actually. Can umm…can I see yours? I didn't really get a good look this morning." I felt devious, knowing full well what his tattoo looked like, and I mentally cursed Rose for putting that word in my head.

He smiled and stood, reaching back over his head before he suddenly paused and said, "Oh. Is it alright if I take my shirt off? It's easier to see that way."

_That's kind of the point._

I refrained from rolling my eyes as I nodded my agreement. He quickly removed his shirt, tossing it onto the bed as he ran his fingers through his damp hair. Before I could completely appreciate the sight of him bare-chested again, he'd turned around, and I was faced with his smooth back instead.

I took a step toward him, raising my chin. The fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla was strong, just like it was when he showered at the gym, and my eyes closed as I inhaled deeply. I breathed out a sigh of contentment and opened my eyes again, focusing on Edward's tattoo. I realized I was wrong – I hadn't known exactly what it looked like.

The Decepticons symbol was there, outlined in black and filled with blue fading into purple, just as I'd seen earlier, but there was also lettering above it. I whispered as I read, "Clarity of thought before rashness of action…" and my hand moved of its own accord, fingertips ghosting across the words. Edward shivered at my touch, a slight shake of his shoulders. I smiled to myself and let my fingers trail along the edge of the design, enjoying this silent moment where I could sense the effect I had on him.

Finally, I said, "So why did you get it?"

I meant that particular tattoo, but Edward shook his head, his back still to me as he said, "Stupid bet with Emmett our senior year…we both got cartoon tattoos." There was amusement in his voice, and then he laughed. "Just be glad I won. Emmett has Hello Kitty tattooed on his ass."

"He has what?" I asked, laughing with Edward.

He snickered. "Yeah, it's right in the middle of his damn cheek and everything. Goddamn Hello Kitty wearing a cape with stars and shit. His fault for making the bet." I watched the movement of the muscles in his shoulders as he shrugged and then chuckled again.

Amused, I said, "So what was the bet anyway?"

I was surprised when Edward just froze, his laughter cutting off instantly. I swore I heard him whisper, "Fuck," but he didn't say anything else for too long. Then he slowly turned around to face me, his eyes finding mine as I registered the sadness there. My heart clenched at that look, and I knew I didn't want to hear the answer.

His jaw flexed once before he said quietly, "They both went home with me."

I waited for the rest, confused as to what he meant. When the significance of his words finally hit me, my eyes widened. I felt as if it had been a physical blow to the gut, leaving me breathless as a soft, "Oh…" escaped my lips.

Pain joined the sadness in Edward's eyes, and his hand twitched at his side before he carefully made it into a tight fist and kept it there. He held my gaze as he whispered, "I told you I wasn't a very nice guy."

I didn't know how to answer as I was suddenly sinking into a sea of images – lips that weren't mine on his, two pairs of hands with blood red fingernails trailing along his skin, his quiet moan calling out someone else's name as she bit his shoulder – and I closed my eyes, trying to stop them from coming. I bit the insides of both my cheeks, willing it all away, and I felt that all-too-familiar despair. Not only was I bothered by the thought of Edward with someone else, I again was faced with that doubt – what if I never _could_ be with him in that way?

Silence was heavy in the room, and I stood there, working to breathe evenly. Through my own insecurities, I began to worry about Edward, standing there while I tried not to fall apart. How was this fair to him? The bet had been years ago…he'd changed. I knew that. Alice had even worried that he was asexual and just not interested in anyone. But he'd chosen me. And god damn it, I _would_ be with him in every way. I'd already come so far. What the fuck was stopping me?

My eyes opened slowly, my gaze focused on Edward's chest. I raised them gradually to find his eyes, and I was taken aback by the worry and fear I saw there. It stunned me to realize that he was frightened too.

"Don't be afraid," I said softly, though I knew the words would sound strange given the context. I could tell, though, that he _was_ afraid - of what, I wasn't sure, but his admission scared him, and there was no reason for that. My voice was tremulous as I continued. "It's okay…"

"I'm not that guy anymore, Bella," he said, his eyes begging me to understand.

"I know," was my simple reply. He still look tormented, so I whispered, "It's just part of your past, Edward…it's not who you are."

He nodded once, but I could see that he was unconvinced. My heart hurt for him, and I reached out as I took a step toward him, my left hand lightly tracing up his arm as I moved behind him. He was standing utterly still, barely breathing. I placed both my hands on his upper arms and leaned toward him, pressing my lips gently against the ink etched into his skin. I tried to convey to him that I understood. He was a different person, just as I was. In so many ways, we'd given each other new life, and I wanted him to know that – to feel it just as I did.

When I finally pulled away and lowered my hands, Edward turned to face me. The pain had faded from his eyes, and he gave me a soft smile as he murmured, "Thank you, love…" He brushed the backs of his fingers along my cheek, his eyes lighting on my lips.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked him, unable to stand it any longer.

The left corner of his lips lifted into that delectable grin. "You never have to ask." At once, he lowered his head, our lips meeting as he pulled me close. I slipped my arms around his waist, my hands moving up his back as I relished the smoothness of his skin under my fingertips. Our lips parted, our tongues moving sweetly together as we found that bliss that seemed to exist only when we were together this way.

We parted but stayed close for a moment, looking at each other with quiet smiles. As I watched, Edward's expression grew curious, and I furrowed my brow. "What?" I asked.

"I was just wondering if you have any tattoos." His smile had become playful again, and he kept me near, his arms still tight around my waist.

"Nope. I keep thinking about it though. I may get one eventually," I told him. "I'm kind of fascinated with tattoos - I've gone with Embry a couple of times to get his."

His eyes brightened at that, which I didn't understand until he asked, "So what's the deal with Embry and Rosalie anyway? I can tell you know something."

I snickered and shook my head. "No way."

"Hey! I told you about Emmett's Hello Kitty!"

"Yes, and I kinda wish you hadn't." I winked, trying to jokingly lead him away from the topic, but he wouldn't be swayed. He pulled a pout that looked as though he'd been taking lessons from Alice, and my eyes widened as I said, "Damn, that's not fair."

He just stared at me, wide-eyed and pouty-lipped, until I finally caved with a groan. "Fine! But you can't say _anything_ to anyone. I've never even told Jasper."

The gleeful look on his face made me giggle, and I loved the sudden, conspiratorial closeness I felt with him as I leaned in and lowered my voice. "It's kind of stupid, really, but it's fun keeping it from everyone else. Besides, Rose would probably kick my ass if I said anything. She likes her reputation."

He raised both eyebrows but said nothing, waiting for me to continue.

I moved my hands, lowering them to his hips as I began, "Okay, so, when I was like fourteen, I went over to Jasper's one afternoon. He wasn't there, so I let myself in, and I heard someone in Rosalie's room. I called out, but she didn't answer, so I walked down the hall, and then I heard some…suggestive noises…" I giggled, remembering my own shock. "Well, I couldn't decide if I should knock…or go in…or just leave, but then I heard _Embry's _voice."

I laughed outright, shaking my head as I glanced up at Edward, who was watching me with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. "I didn't even think about it. I just slammed open the door, and I found…" I trailed off dramatically before I couldn't do it anymore and just chuckled. "The two of them sprawled on Rosalie's bed, watching _Days of Our Lives_."

Edward stood quietly for a minute before he laughed with me. "What? So all that 'love of my life' stuff is from soap operas?"

"Mmhmm," I affirmed with a grin. "See? Told you it was stupid…but they love the damn things. Guarantee they'll sneak off to watch them together sometime while he's in town."

As he was chuckling to himself, I worked my way free from his embrace. His face fell again into a small pout before I took his hand, pulling him to the bed.

When we got there, Edward took the lead, moving to sit against the headboard as he put his arm around me. My head fell naturally onto his shoulder, and I let my eyes drift closed. "This is nice," I hummed with satisfaction.

"Mmm…" was his only answer as we fell into a comfortable silence.

I barely noticed his hand lightly rubbing my side until it suddenly stilled. He shifted, and I lifted my head to find him looking at me with fresh curiosity. "What is it?"

"Well, I was just thinking about what you asked me last night…about first kisses, I mean…" he began. "And it made me wonder…have _you_ had many first kisses?" I blushed, cursing myself for asking him that question.

_Damn my curiosity._

Clearing my throat, I sat up straight and turned my face toward him. "Ahh, well, not a _lot_, no…there have been four…" I trailed off before I realized my mistake. "Oh no, wait – five."

Edward arched an eyebrow in amusement and said, "Was one so forgettable?"

The heat on my cheeks increased. "No…one just doesn't really count." I shrugged, hoping he would drop the conversation.

He didn't, of course. "Did you enjoy them…?" he began quietly. "I mean other than…?"

My jaw clenched as I heard what he didn't say, but I took a breath and released it, nodding slowly. "I did. Well, some of them anyway." I debated, trying to decide how much to tell him. It would be so easy to gloss over it all, leave it at that, but I knew that Edward would want to know, particularly about the one I really didn't want to talk about – Jasper.

I couldn't just come right out and say it, though, so instead I tried a different approach. I cleared my throat and forced myself to say, "James, of course." I swallowed hard and moved past him quickly, but the fact that it was the first time I'd voluntarily said his name in a long time was not lost on me, and I felt a small swell of pride.

With a smile, I said, "And, well, Garrett was my first boyfriend…we kissed a few times, and it was sweet, but that was really about it." I cleared my throat again. "And then umm…in college, I tried to date this guy. His name was Mike. After we'd been out a few times, he said he _needed_ to kiss me, and we did…it was actually kind of nice at first, but then…" I bit my bottom lip, looking down at my hands in my lap as I sighed softly. I watched as Edward reached over, taking one of my hands. I looked up at him, eyes on his as I finished. "I sort of lost it. I broke down and I…I hit him." Feeling ashamed, I tore my eyes away, focusing on our hands again.

There was silence for a time before Edward lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. I looked up at him, and he whispered simply, "You didn't hit me…"

I nodded and gave a half-hearted smile. Eyes on mine, he gradually leaned in, his free hand cupping my cheek as he pulled gently, the two of us meeting in the middle. His kiss was tender but insistent, and the passive resistance brought about by my memories melted away as his lips parted mine. The kiss began chastely, our lips moving in delicate concert as his fingers caressed me lightly, finding my cheek, my ear, my neck, my arm…but feeling that connection with him reignited my desire for more.

I deepened our kiss, pressing toward him as I placed my hand on the back of his neck and my tongue brushed past his lips. He responded immediately, his hand moving to my waist as he shifted us. So quickly that I wasn't sure how it happened, we were laying side by side, our bodies flush with my knee between his. I tilted my head, allowing him even greater access as I gave myself over to the incomparable sensation of being so close to Edward. I could sense the hunger in his touch, in his kiss, and the feeling made me whimper quietly.

He broke away suddenly, a slight shift of his face that took just his lips away from mine. We both murmured, "Sorry," together and then shared our hushed laughter. My eyes drifted open to find that Edward's were still closed for a few seconds longer. When he finally opened them, the hunger remained there, making my stomach flutter with anticipation.

"I'm sorry," he said more clearly, and I was shaking my head before he finished.

"Don't apologize," I said. "Please…" I didn't know how to explain that his desire…and his control…had just done so much to help ease years of lingering doubt about myself. It was still there, far from erased, but there was a new lightness I felt that I was at a loss to put into words. I looked into his eyes as I ran my fingers through his hair and gave him a small smile that he finally returned before I lifted my head to kiss his forehead gently. "Thank you," I whispered.

Edward just shook his head with a look of disbelief. He didn't argue with me though, saying simply, "Thank you," in return. We didn't put words to what we meant…we just knew.

He cleared his throat and said, "So…me, obviously…" with a grin as he brushed a kiss lightly across my lips. "That's four…have you already forgotten the other again?"

I watched him in silence before I sat up, nervously smoothing my hair as I moved back to lean against the headboard. "No…I haven't forgotten…"

He frowned slightly as he lifted his upper body, resting his weight on his elbow as he looked at me. I sighed and patted the space beside me. He moved to join me as I shifted to look at him. I took one of his hands in both of mine and said, "I want to be completely honest with you because you always have been with me, but I'm worried it might upset you, even though there's absolutely no reason for it." This was coming out all wrong, and I knew I was probably making him more nervous than I needed to.

_Way to go, Bella._

_Could you have picked a worse way to bring this up?_

I sighed my agreement with the voices and looked at him carefully. I was surprised to see more comprehension and resignation in his eyes than apprehension.

_What the fuck?_

"What are you thinking?" The question tumbled out without fully forming in my mind.

"Jasper," was his only answer.

My eyes widened before I blinked. I could find no words to answer him, so I nodded my affirmation as my teeth bit lightly into my bottom lip. Suddenly, _my _heart was the one hammering in my rib cage as I waited for Edward's response. I hadn't expected him to guess this so easily, and I wondered what it meant.

He looked away from me, his head slumping back against the headboard as he looked at the ceiling. He didn't speak at first, merely swallowing as he nodded. He blinked up at the ceiling before he lowered his chin again, staring ahead as he spoke. "It's not completely unexpected…" He shrugged, and I hated the disappointment I heard in his voice.

He stopped there. I waited as long as I could before I prompted gently. "Edward?"

Without glancing at me, he answered with, "When did you kiss him?"

Squeezing Edward's hand, I kept my tone light, but my heart fell when he didn't return the gesture. I forced a smile as I said, "He was actually my true first kiss…when we were twelve. We were curious and decided to try it. It didn't mean anything. We wondered what the big deal was afterward." I shrugged.

He relaxed a bit and smiled, turning to look at me finally. He squeezed my hand before reaching over and brushing my hair back behind my ear with a murmured, "I bet you were an adorable little girl…"

I wrinkled my nose, remembering all my clumsiness and awkward, gangly limbs. Unfortunately, that wasn't all I remembered. I knew I had to tell him about my other experience with Jasper. I owed it to him to be completely honest. The sight of Edward smiling did nothing to calm me as I took a deep breath and said, "And then…"

His smile faded a bit. "And then…what?"

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I tried to find the words. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I glanced at Edward, and at once, I was speaking without thinking. "Okay, so you remember how I said I hit Mike?" I barely noted his nod, continuing on without interruption. "When I got home that night, Jasper was out with the guys, and I was all alone, and I was just…just fucked up. I couldn't stop shaking and crying, and I just knew that I was going to be alone. All alone. Forever. And I couldn't take it. I didn't know what to do. I sort of smashed some stuff in my room, and…I…I…" I swallowed, closing my eyes and breathing deeply through my nose before I forced the rest of the words out. "I thought about hurting myself. Anything to make it easier. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just…I had to make it better somehow. So I tried to go numb. Just not feel, you know? But I couldn't do that either. So I had a couple of drinks, and I was finally able to just get out of my head a little bit. Just not remember, not feel anything.

"And then Jasper came home, and he was…well, he was just fucking _Jasper_, and he wouldn't leave it alone. He asked questions, made me talk about it. I know I needed to, but I didn't fucking want to. When I finally answered, I just…bawled. He held me like always, and it made me feel better…it sort of gave me hope, I guess. But then I had to know. I had to find out if I would ever be able to get better…be able to touch someone again. So I umm…I asked him to…" I trailed off, my tirade coming to an end as I realized I had just spilled far more than I intended to.

The tightness in my chest relaxed infinitesimally when I glanced over and saw the concern glistening in Edward's eyes. He still looked upset, but the distance I'd sensed as he stared at the ceiling wasn't there anymore. His fingers laced through mine, and he breathed, "I'm so sorry, Bella…I hate all the things you've gone through…"

The lump in my throat made it too difficult to speak, so I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb and watched him in silence. At last, he spoke again, his voice huskier than usual. "So you kissed again…? When was this?"

"Five years ago," I answered quietly. "And yes…we kissed, but there was…more, too."

His jaw clenched before he nodded once. I could sense something…anger…frustration…radiating from him, but I couldn't tell what it was for sure.

I spoke into the ominous silence, wishing with every piece of my fragile heart that he would hear me and understand. "Before things got too far, I laughed…it was just too…weird. I've never had those feelings for Jasper, and he never has for me. But he would do anything for me, even if it meant completely freaking himself out."

Edward nodded again, his eyes still ahead. "How did Jasper react when you laughed?" I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and realized that he was feeling just as vulnerable as I was.

Strangely, that thought encouraged me.

"He was relieved, actually…" I gave a small, fond smile that Edward caught when he glanced over at me. His eyes were full of disbelief, so I nodded. "Seriously. I've never seen a guy so happy to get out of…that. Kind of insulting, really."

The corner of Edward's mouth lifted into a feeble half-smile, and I could feel my pulse drumming at my temple. I couldn't lose him. Not now. He had to understand. He had to know – really _know_ – that he was the only one for me.

"And how did _you_ feel?" His voice was unexpected but welcome.

I thought carefully before I answered, wanting to be honest here as well. "I felt…hopeful. And grateful. Just knowing I could touch _someone_ helped me so much more than any of the therapy ever had." I smiled as I remembered our conversation from that night. "He told me that someday I'd find someone who wanted to give me the world – a guy I could trust…and that he'd be a lucky bastard if I wanted him too…" I gave a short, quiet laugh to myself as I glanced down at the tan comforter, shaking my head. As weird as making out with Jasper had been, I'd always clung to the hope he'd given me with those words.

I felt Edward's thumb and forefinger lightly grip my chin as he turned my face to his. His expression had softened despite the countless emotions warring in his eyes. He whispered, "He was right…I _am_ a lucky bastard."

"I want only you," was my hushed answer.

He didn't respond, watching me in silence, his fingers still on my chin. As the moments stretched on, I became more curious. His eyes had taken on a distant quality that made me wonder what he was thinking. I remained patient, letting him work through whichever particular questions were on his mind. I took comfort in the contact with him – in the knowledge that he hadn't simply pushed me away.

When his thumb began tracing my jaw and his eyes roamed my face, I finally spoke again, asking if he was alright. He gave me a small, sad smile and said he was. "I sort of expected it, I guess…I can't say it doesn't bother me at all. I wish I could. But I get it…it makes sense. I'm just really glad you were okay then."

"I'm glad I was too…but you know, more than that, I'm glad that Jasper reminded me I was okay. When I first realized how I felt about you…" I reached up, removing his hand from my chin and lowering it to my lap. I watched our hands as I played with his fingers, not quite sure how to say what I wanted to say. "I was scared, Edward. Really scared. What Alice told me about you had me worried – I really couldn't stand the thought of you not being in my life because I scared you off.

"But I knew I was falling in love with you. It hit me so early and so hard that I almost felt dizzy…disoriented, you know? And then, of course, there were my own reasons for keeping things safe with you – staying just friends. But that thought was just so…so fucking _depressing_." I frowned down at our hands. "It sounds stupid, I know, but admitting to Jasper that I was interested in you was one of the hardest things I've done in years. It was like I was reopening such a terrifying part of my life, but it was so worth it because of _you_ – because of what I could possibly have if I faced all those demons." I finally looked up to find him watching me. "Gah, I'm not making any sense. I'm just trying to say that Jasper reminded me I was okay with him…and that gave me the determination and hope I needed to try with you."

When he didn't speak right away, I was concerned. I was struck by how completely I'd just bared my soul to him. I wasn't afraid…I knew he loved me. But that was a hell of a lot of information I'd just thrown at him, and I didn't quite know how he'd react.

I shifted on the bed, moving to my hands and knees as I leaned closer to him. I whispered, "I have never wanted anyone else like I want you…you're everything I could have ever asked for. I want it all with you."

Still, he didn't respond, though I saw his eyes trail down to my lips and back up to meet my eyes again. I kissed him softly, and my brow furrowed when his lips remained impassive against mine. I refused to give up, choosing to believe he simply needed time, so I stayed right where I was, though I didn't push him further. At once, something in him seemed to snap, and his hands were suddenly in my hair as he kissed me hungrily. His lips were sure and unrelenting, strong against mine as he directed this physical expression of our love.

Quiet noises of desire filled the room as I felt heat spreading throughout my body. It began in my fingertips, my lips…those places connected with the man I loved, and it grew exponentially, igniting my soul. We were locked in place as he leaned back against the headboard while I was before him on my hands and knees, and I resented the distance between us.

I turned myself, lying back on the bed as my hands grasped at his sides, imploring him to go with me. He was instantly moving, and within seconds, I was overcome with the divine feeling of his body beside mine – drowning in his strength, his heat. My hands freely explored the smooth skin of his back, caressing and kneading everywhere I could reach. I couldn't get enough of his bare flesh as I pulled him closer.

He adjusted, resting partially on top of me as his hand trailed down my arm to my waist. His kisses grew softer, losing that hard edge of frenzied urgency. I felt no loss, though, as I sensed that he was merely giving himself over to the pleasure he felt, wanting to relish and savor it. It was the difference between the sudden flaring of a match – quick, intense, and too soon gone - and the slow, steady burn of a roaring fire that consumes and renews, granting warmth and light.

My mind was absorbed with the sensation of Edward's soft, silky skin stretched across taut muscle and sinew, and it wasn't enough to feel it beneath my fingertips. My hands splayed across his back, palms pressed firmly against him, and still I needed more. I nibbled gently on his lower lip before gracing his jaw with small kisses. Licking lightly at the rough stubble there, I moved still lower, my lips finding the smooth skin at the junction of his shoulder and neck. Once there, I extolled its perfection in kisses and licks and tiny bites, sucking gently as I sighed softly at tasting Edward so purely.

He grew still, his head lolling back while he breathed a quiet moan. His hand halted its journey, and I was struck by the realization that he was enraptured by the pleasure I was giving him. It was such a simple thing – my lips on his skin – and I smiled at seeing him so immersed in it. I had never in my life felt so powerful, so desirable, and I wanted to always feel this with him. Only with him.

My lips trailed back up over his chin, seeking the sweetness of his. Edward was immediately responsive once again, his tongue meeting mine as we kissed languidly. My hand slid down his back, brushing against the fabric of his boxers, and I felt his movements mirror mine. His hand found the hem of the t-shirt I was wearing, his fingers gently rubbing against the edge as though waiting for some sort of sign.

I paused for a moment, trying to work through what was happening. When my lips slowed, Edward kissed along my cheek, working his way to my ear. His breath tickled as he whispered, "I adore you," raising goosebumps on my flesh before he nipped at my earlobe, gently sucking it between his lips. Releasing it, he turned his attention to the sensitive skin of my neck, and I moaned, my knee lifting as I turned my body toward his. The rough texture of his day's-growth of beard was at odds with his soft, attentive lips, and the combination was rapidly driving me toward some unseen edge.

I slipped my hand just under the edge of his boxers, rubbing his lower back as I tilted my head, encouraging his lips to continue. Again, he mimicked my movements, his hand drifting underneath my shirt. His fingers tentatively caressed my ribs, and I moaned loudly at the way his fingertips, calloused from the guitar, teased my skin.

He tensed briefly at the sound, and his kisses slowed, becoming increasingly lighter before he journeyed once more to my mouth. He placed soft, chaste kisses on my lips and then lifted his head to look at me. His hand remained motionless on the bare skin of my abdomen, and I looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and gratitude. It was so much, so fast, and yet not enough. His eyes were filled with conflicting emotions as well as he said quietly, "I'm not going to apologize…not unless you want me to."

"I don't want you to," I whispered, staring into his eyes. "I'm not going to apologize either."

"Good." He gave me that irresistible crooked grin. Now that my mind wasn't in a complete fog, I could feel him pressed firmly against my thigh, and I bit my bottom lip as I realized just how aroused he was. I felt so torn. I was excited to know how much he wanted me, and I was so thankful that he had the control and presence of mind to stop us. At the same time, I just wanted to pull him close and keep going…and never, ever stop. I almost wished he'd push for more – _not_ be the gentleman he was – but that had the potential for disaster, and above all, I didn't want to ruin what we had with one of my breakdowns.

"I love you, Edward," was all I said in the end. I didn't know how to explain the complex web of emotions I felt – all the conflicting desires and fears – but the best thing was that I knew I didn't have to explain. He just understood. Or at least understood enough to take extra care with me.

His smile now was soft and sweet as he murmured, "I love you, Bella," and leaned down to kiss my forehead. With his lips still close, he said quietly, "Maybe we should stop though…" and then pulled back, looking down at me.

Without intending to, I pouted at him, and he chuckled, his eyes bright and happy. "A break, at least?"

I exhaled forcefully and then nodded, lifting up on my elbows. He helped me sit up, guiding me back against the headboard as he glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. "Well…looks like we still have a couple of hours before we need to meet the guys." He worked to lighten his voice, trying to remove the traces of desire still there. "What do you want to do? Hungry?"

I wrinkled my nose as I shook my head. Food was the last thing on my mind, though I probably should've been starving. He nodded with an amused, knowing smirk, and I smacked his arm. "Cocky bastard," I muttered.

He threw back his head and laughed before he shrugged and leaned over to whisper to me. "If it helps, you've made it so I can't think about food either…" Placing a kiss on my temple, he crawled off the bed and stood up, stretching his arms over his head before he picked up his shirt.

As he pulled it over his head and his face disappeared briefly, I said, "Oh hey…I wanted to ask you…why the Decepticons? I would've thought you'd like the Autobots…"

His head popped out through the neck of his shirt, and he slowly pulled the fabric down before trying to smooth his hair, which defied both gravity and his attempts at order. It had dried in the time we'd spent on his bed, and its normal disarray hadn't been helped at all by my fingers running through it. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well…first, Emmett was a little drunk when he made the bet. God only knows why he chose cartoon tattoos…I'm sure he thought he'd win and force me to get Rainbow Brite on my face or some shit. But umm…obviously that didn't happen." He shrugged with a weak chuckle. "I guess I was just already feeling…I don't even know the word. I already didn't like who I was. I just couldn't figure out what to do about it yet. So I got the Decepticons symbol. It's really, really stupid, but I guess I didn't feel…worthy…of the Autobots…"

He trailed off, staring at the carpet, and I felt a mixture of amusement and empathy. Feeling unworthy of a symbol from a cartoon was something that would probably occur only to Edward, but I understood all too well what he meant about feeling worthless. I moved away from the headboard, letting my feet dangle over the side of the bed as I put my hand on his thigh and rested my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me, kissing the top of my head. "I know what you mean," I said simply, and he nodded. I could feel the movement as he smiled, his cheek pressed against my head.

"Anyway, I had the wording added later…after I umm…well, after I figured out how to take control, I guess. It's also sort of a reminder to not make stupid bets with Emmett, especially not when I've been drinking." We laughed quietly together, and I nodded to show I understood.

"Where'd you get the phrase?" I asked.

"It's Shockwave's motto." My head was jostled as he shrugged. I finally had to grin as I raised my head. He turned to look at me, asking, "What?" when he saw my amused expression.

"You searched through Decepticon mottos?"

He chuckled and nodded. "Well, I ended up with a lot of free time…and I wanted something that fit. You're surprised?"

I thought about the attention to detail I'd seen in his apartment as well as the meticulous care he'd always taken with me and shook my head. "Not really, actually."

We settled into a companionable silence, and I wondered if Edward was thinking of that time in his life before he made such a drastic change. My own thoughts were scattered, drifting here and there while I tried to take in everything that had happened recently. I'd had no time to even pause since I'd told Edward about my history, and I felt overwhelmed when I stopped to think about it all. I knew I would need to find some time alone soon, but with our separation at Thanksgiving looming on the horizon, I didn't want to give up what time I had with him now.

"Hey," I broke the hush in the room, "what time's your flight Friday morning?"

"Hmm?" Edward said absently before lifting his head from mine. "Oh, umm…it's just before 8:00."

With a frown, I turned sideways on the bed, pulling both legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. "So are you guys coming back here Thursday night then?"

He sighed. "We haven't decided yet. Obviously neither of us wants to be away from you two…I was kind of pushing for just not sleeping that night and napping on the plane, but I don't know if Alice is going to go for that or not."

I considered that for a moment. "Well, I _guess_ I could stay up with you...it's a sacrifice giving up all that sleep," I teased. He grinned at me before I continued a little more seriously. "I don't know if I like the idea of you driving all the way from Forks with no sleep though. That's a long trip."

With a shrug, Edward said, "If we leave in the afternoon, I'll be driving before I sleep too. It's just that one way gets me more time with you."

Something in his logic didn't quite work out, but I just smiled at the thought that he wanted more time with me. We talked for a few minutes more about his trip. He said they would have dinner with their family Friday night and then spend the weekend hanging out at his parents' house before flying back Sunday evening. He was looking forward to getting to play his piano and seeing a few relatives he hadn't seen in awhile, but his voice was laced with melancholy as he spoke.

His tone of voice made me really consider what being away from him this weekend would mean. It was the first time we'd been apart for any length of time since we'd met – and obviously the first since we'd admitted our feelings for each other. Strangely, I found myself thinking of the little things I'd miss – his scent, the way his strong hand wrapped around mine, the carefree sound of his laughter – and I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. It was utterly ridiculous. He was going to be gone for only three days, but I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through.

_Get a grip, Bella._

_Seriously._

Great. They all agreed. So I was definitely being ridiculous.

I sighed, and Edward glanced over at me inquisitively. "What is it?"

Sheepishly, I admitted that I'd been thinking about how much I was going to miss him. He smiled gently and said he felt the same. "It's kind of strange, isn't it?" I mused. "I just mean…it's odd how someone can become so important so quickly. It was just Saturday when I told you I loved you and now I'm moping because I won't be able to smell you for three days…"

There was silence for a beat before Edward's amused voice said, "Smell me?"

_Fuck._

Of all the things to say aloud.

"Well not _just_ smell you…but yeah…" I glanced down at the ground before chuckling at myself and lifting my head again. "I was just thinking of all the things I'd miss about you. The little things, you know? And I fucking _love_ the way you smell…" I flopped back on his bed with my arms over my head, my feet still hanging over the side as I closed my eyes.

The bed shifted as Edward settled beside me, and I felt the light weight of his hand resting on my abdomen. I opened my eyes to see that he was lying on his side with his head propped on his palm, clearly entertained as he grinned down at me. "So I smell good, hmm?"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the smile that spread on my face. I let my eyes drift closed again as I nodded with a quiet sigh. When I spoke, my voice was low, and I sensed Edward leaning closer to listen. "It's…well, it's sort of part of what I focus on. When I'm trying to…to stay calm, you know? I think about how I'm with you, and the way you smell always helps. It's…I guess it's part of my safe place."

When Edward still hadn't spoken after a couple of minutes, I opened my eyes to find him looking at me. His expression was hard to read, but I recognized the awe I saw there – I just didn't understand what it meant. My brow furrowed, but before I could speak, he whispered, "I really make you feel safe?" I nodded, enjoying the smile that spread slowly across his face before he leaned down and kissed me tenderly. He was blushing lightly when he said, "Would it help if I left something with you…? A shirt or something?"

My answering grin was huge, and I felt the blush on my own cheeks as I nodded. "That would be awesome, actually."

He smiled again before he hopped up off the bed and walked toward his dresser, but I already knew which shirt I wanted – if he'd let me have it. "Hey, ahh…" A quick glance over his shoulder barely slowed him as he pulled open the top drawer. "I kind of looked around while you were in the shower. Would it be alright if I borrowed…umm…that one?" I nodded toward his closet as I felt the heat from my cheeks spread all the way down my neck.

He followed my gaze with a slight frown and said, "Which one?"

The angle wouldn't let him see into the closet, so he closed the drawer again and crossed his room. He pulled out the jersey and held it up to me with a questioning look. When I nodded, he said, "You want the one with my name on it?" with such an adorable grin that I felt my heart melt a bit.

"Yeah…if you don't mind." I bit my bottom lip when he tugged the shirt off the hanger and brought it back to me.

"I don't mind at all," he said, handing it to me. "I think it might be a little big though."

"I'm sure it's fine…" I pulled the shirt over my head, straightening it over the t-shirt I was already wearing. He was right, of course – it was way too big. It hung off my shoulders and swallowed me, but I was bathed immediately in that faint but delicious fragrance of sandalwood, and my eyes fluttered closed as I inhaled and then exhaled with a soft sigh.

When I opened my eyes again, he was standing back, looking down at me with desire clear in his eyes. I arched an eyebrow, and in response, he said, "You look really fucking good in my shirt." He kept his distance, standing a few feet away.

I said, "So you know…as soon as we get in your car and leave here…" I glanced at the clock pointedly, "in an hour or so, we're not going to have any more time alone until you get back from Chicago. We're either going to be playing or spending time with family, so if there's, you know, anything you want to do without all the guys watching…now might be a good time…"

Edward was immediately in motion, walking toward me determinedly, and I smiled as our lips met in a soft kiss.

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_**A/N**__ – Thanks to __**Ahelm**__, __**kimberlycullen10**__, and __**naelany**__ for putting up with my obsessive behavior and reading parts of this for me! You are awesome, and I love you dearly._

_Several things I'd like to mention, so please bear with me :)_

_First, JOotG is currently up for two __**Bellie**__ awards – "__**Best UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension)**__" and "__**Alice You Wish Was Your Best Friend**__". I was completely stunned to receive notification that I was in the running, and competition is definitely fierce! If you get a chance, please visit the Bellie awards site (link is on my profile) and vote for your favorites. Voting is now open and will continue until August 5 at 9pm EST._

_Second, I posted an outtake under "More of the Guys" a couple of weeks ago, though I think not a lot of you have seen it. If you would like to read Edward's POV of their first kiss – as well as all the things that happened the rest of that night – check it out!_

_Also, several of you questioned the title of the last chapter – "Some Lovely Glorious Nothing" – saying that it was most indeed __**something**__. I posted an explanation with the outtake, but I'm copying it here just in case…_

_The phrase "some lovely glorious nothing" is in a line from "Air and Angels." It refers to the pure love that humans can sense but not grasp, and it is that glorious nothing that has to take a physical form so that it can be recognized and embraced. Obviously, in this instance, it is meant to reference the physical form of Edward's love that can be found as Bella. Also, the title of the outtake – "My Love's Sphere" – refers to the physical form of the speaker's love._

_Finally, I am blown away by the support JOotG has received and the interest it has generated. The Twilighted thread is constantly hopping (thank you so much, Pinkieward's Bitches, for keeping that going!). I squeal every time I get a review or PM or notification that it's up for an award or article. The last chapter received 250 reviews, and I have been beside myself. I have finally conceded that I won't be able to catch up on answering the reviews I got behind on, and I am SO sorry if I missed yours. Please know that I will be answering them again from here on out, and I love each one I receive. You all make me smile :)_

_Oh, and links to the tattoos are on my profile, too ;) Special thanks to __**kimberlycullen10**__ for adding the text to Edward's for me! Love you, bb_

_And to think I hate long A/Ns… *sighs* _

_/epic A/N_


	24. Blister in the Sun

_**A/N:**__ I suck for taking so long to update, and I'm extremely sorry. Special thanks to kimberlycullen10 and naelany for keeping me sane and reading – and re-reading – this chapter as I went along!_

_I don't own anything you recognize. More A/N at the bottom – thank you so much for reading!_

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**EPOV**

_Weirdest. Fucking. Week. Ever._

My thoughts were a tangled snarl as I navigated the streets of Seattle, taking Bella and me back to her place. It was not long after 3:00 on Tuesday afternoon, and although she was singing softly beside me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was upset that we'd left my apartment so early.

I felt like a complete ass for suggesting we leave half an hour before we needed to, but I really couldn't take it anymore. After lying on my bed, kissing and caressing her for hours, I was reaching the point where I was sure to do something I'd regret, despite having jacked off in the shower while Bella waited in my living room. Apparently all the guilt I felt over that particular act was pointless - I shouldn't have even bothered doing it since I was out of control anyway.

Feeling the tension in my forehead, I knew my brow was furrowed and I was likely frowning, but I did nothing to try to hide it. The afternoon had been singularly amazing – yet I was overcome with foreboding.

It was just so fucking fast.

All of it.

Only Thursday, we'd had wings with Emmett at the bar, and he'd accidentally-on-purpose alluded to my questionable past. That had led to me revealing all of it…which had led to Bella jumping in my lap. From there, everything had moved so quickly – it was like we were goddamn Indiana Jones being chased by that big ass boulder.

I seriously hoped we didn't end up fucking flattened.

I glanced at Bella out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was gazing pensively out of her window, absently singing a line here and there as she watched the buildings pass by. A hollow ache sounded in my chest every time I realized that I was just waiting for it…waiting for her to freak out.

I didn't know if it was fair, but I knew that was what I was afraid of. She'd handled everything so well so far. And I knew I should just be happy with that, but I just…I just didn't think she was _well_. Bella's problems ran far deeper than a few kisses could heal, and I hurt for her.

For us.

She still looked over her shoulder, even when there was no one there. She cringed when someone got too close – I'd even seen it just earlier today when she turned suddenly and realized Emmett was right beside her. I was so unbelievably proud of her for the way she'd faced so many of her fears to be with me, but there was much more there that she needed to deal with.

That _we_ needed to deal with.

Bella was the one for me. There was not a single shred of doubt in my mind. Jasper was right when he said I was one lucky bastard – even if he didn't know it was me he was talking about at the time. Bella wanted me, and she loved me, and I knew in my very core that I would always be there with her.

I hadn't felt this goddamn good in years.

"Squished a rotten peach in my fist and dreamed about you, woman…" Bella's quiet voice broke through my thoughts as she sang.

I snorted and shook my head, glancing over to catch her staring vaguely out the window. She looked back at me, the confused expression on her face dissolving into a grin as she said, "What?"

I grinned in return. "Nothing…" I shrugged and turned my eyes back to the road.

She punched me lightly on the arm and muttered, "Don't make fun of my singing!"

I laughed. "No, it's not that. I like your voice. It's just umm…strange to hear you singing that."

She didn't answer, remaining silent for a moment. When I heard her singing, "Millions of peaches, peaches for me," I looked over and found her smirking at me.

Effortlessly, she lightened my mood and made me forget those countless things I brooded about when I was left too much alone with my thoughts. We spent the rest of the drive teasing each other and talking about the songs that played from what she called my "terminally random" playlist. I shifted my eyes to her just as Debussy's _Reverie_ began, and she looked at me pointedly, shaking her head with a fond smile. I shrugged and laced my fingers through hers while she said, "Absolutely terminal…"

A relaxed, content atmosphere pervaded the interior of the car as I parked at her complex. My frustrations – both sexual and otherwise – were forgotten in the ease and…just fucking _joy_ of being so comfortable with her. I lifted our hands, kissing the back of hers before squeezing it once and letting it go. Bella waited as I walked around the car and opened her door – I really appreciated the way she seemed to just know I enjoyed doing that for her. I knew she thought it was a little silly, but deep down, I thought she appreciated it too.

She smiled up at me as we started walking toward her door, and I felt her slip her little pinkie into mine. Our hands swung idly between us as we walked, enjoying the moment of serenity before Bella turned her key in the lock, opened the door…and all hell broke loose.

In reality, there was nothing all that wild going on, but after the relative quiet of our afternoon together, the sound of Quil's voice yelling at Jake to bring him a drink was jarring.

"What do you want?" came Jake's annoyed reply from the kitchen.

Bella glanced up at me and shrugged, grinning wryly. She lifted on her toes, kissing my jaw, and I wrapped my arms around her in response, pulling her close as I pressed my lips to hers. I thought I heard a muttered, "Ugh," and straightened, looking over Bella's head to see Jake's back as he disappeared into the living room.

Rolling my eyes, I looked down and saw Bella grimace. "Fucking ass," she muttered under her breath. My grin was far wider than the situation warranted, but it was great to hear her be so dismissive of him. She gazed up at me with a knowing grin and said, "You're cute," then took my hand, and we walked toward the living room.

Felix was again sprawled across the couch, while Jasper and Alice were cuddled up on the loveseat. Jared was sitting in the recliner with a laptop, typing away furiously with a smile on his face, and Jake and Quil were sitting in the floor, eyes focused on the TV as they played football on the Xbox 360 and talked trash. The room seemed packed as usual, so it took a moment for me to realize that not everyone was here. It looked like Jane and Paul were still…wherever they'd run off to. Bella had filled me in on what had happened between Alice and Jane, and I wondered if the bitch would even be brave enough to show her face again. I knew my little sister could take care of herself, but I'd be damned if I would let anyone fuck with her that way. Almost as if she knew what I was thinking, Alice glanced over and shook her head. I grimaced, and she smiled before turning slightly, resting her head on Jasper's chest.

Apparently I'd stopped and was standing in the doorway looking because Bella tugged at my hand with a chuckle and led me a few steps into the room. We sat on the floor in front of Felix's nest as Jasper asked if we'd had a good time. I was surprised to see a teasing look on his face, and he glanced at Bella meaningfully. He laughed when she blushed, and several different conversations struck up at once, leaving me free to try to figure out this new acceptance by Jasper. I had known, of course, that he was cool with me now…but teasing Bella about our physical relationship seemed like such a huge leap. He looked more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, which seemed strange, given that both his best friend and his twin sister were suddenly in relationships with guys he barely knew.

During a break in the basketball game this morning, Emmett had told me about his date with Rosalie. I'd been surprised to learn that they really hadn't done…anything yet. At all. So unlike Emmett, but then again, I'm sure he'd thought the same thing about me nearly two years ago when I'd just stopped.

_Just like that asshole to find the one he's looking for after a couple of weeks._

_10 days for him, nearly 600 for me._

_Motherfucker._

I frowned, staring at the pattern in the rug in front of me. Bella scooted a little closer and wiggled her way under my arm, turning a bit so her back was resting against my chest as she said, "Nah, Embry went with devoted cleric…his highest is wisdom." Smiling, I turned and kissed the top of her head, relaxing against the couch as I listened to her talk to Jasper.

_Totally fucking worth the wait._

After spending days looking through books and talking to Bella, I now had some idea of what she and Jasper were discussing, so I joined in the conversation. Alice chimed in from time to time, talking animatedly about the warlock she'd made. Before long, there was a knock at the door, and the couch shifted as Felix stood with a groan and went to answer it, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.

As if that were some sort of sign, everyone was suddenly in motion. Jake snickered as he scored a final touchdown and reached up to turn the Xbox off. Quil was protesting, saying he still had over three minutes left, but Jake told him that food always meant the end of the game. The two were still arguing as they disappeared into the kitchen, the clatter of plates and silverware muffling the voices of Felix and the delivery guy at the door.

Bella stood and stretched, Jasper mirroring her motions until Alice tickled his ribs. He laughed and hugged her close as I stood up, and when they walked toward the dining room, he punched me on the shoulder, his attention still on Alice as she talked.

I chuckled, shaking my head as we followed behind them. Felix walked into the dining room just after us, and a flurry of activity began – containers being unpacked as plates were passed down the line and people reached over each other.

"What do you want to drink, sweetpea?" Felix asked from the end of the table. Once Bella said she'd take sweet tea, he turned to me and said, "E?"

I told him I'd have the same and felt Bella's arm slip around my waist as she murmured, "E, huh? He likes you."

"Yeah?" I asked, glancing down as I wrapped my arms around her.

She giggled quietly as she nodded. "Definitely. Once they stop calling you by your name, you're in. They have some sort of allergic reaction to using real names with their friends."

I felt a little stupid for the ridiculous smile I'm sure was on my face as we settled in at the gaming table to eat. I realized as I was eating my first bite of shrimp fried rice that I'd grown used to the babble of all the different voices around me. I was simultaneously carrying on a conversation with Jasper about WoW – he was trying to convince me and Alice to play - and talking to Felix about the Seahawks' chances for winning their Thanksgiving Day game against Dallas.

"No fucking way, man," I said, shaking my head at Felix. "Romo looked good on Sunday, and Seattle's been playing like shit. They haven't won since…what? October?"

"I don't know…that Redskins game was close," Felix began in protest, but he was cut off as Emmett and Rosalie walked in. They were holding hands, and both of them were goddamn _glowing_.

I turned in my chair, examining Emmett as he reached out his left hand toward Felix, who smacked it with a grin as he said, "Em, man! Good to see you back – knew you wouldn't miss the chance to gloat."

Emmett's smile was easy and relaxed as he answered, pulling out a chair for Rosalie as if it were the most natural thing in the world. From the corner of my eye, I saw her exchange a significant glance with Bella and Alice, who both giggled. I cut my eyes around to Bella, but she gazed up at me innocently, no trace in her expression that anything had happened at all.

_Hmm…not getting anything out of her this time._

I was going to have to talk to Emmett soon.

Rosalie and Alice struck up a conversation, and I caught bits and pieces of Christmas plans as I thought about Jasper's revelation that he was going to ask Alice to marry him. She'd say yes – I was sure of it – which meant that eventually Rosalie and Alice would be sisters-in-law. I was glad to see they were getting along so well, and it really looked like everything was falling into place for my little sister. I wasn't sure when he was planning to ask her, so I wondered if it might be at Christmas. Of course, if he proposed without talking to our father…

I smirked.

_Need to talk to fucking Jasper, too._

Carlisle was an easygoing person, and it wasn't as though he would really say no – it was completely Alice's decision – but Jasper would definitely gain a lot of points by talking to him about it beforehand.

_Meeting him might be a good step, too._

I glanced down at Bella, realizing that I needed to ask her to come home with me as well. It had been such a long time since I'd asked anyone to meet my parents, and the last had really been more necessity than anything else. When you start dating someone before you can drive, you have to get there some way. My parents would love her - that much I knew - but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. Chicago was a long way to go when you weren't sure what was waiting for you on the other side.

"Hey, Fuckward. I'm talking to you." I felt a sharp pain in my shin as Emmett kicked me.

"God damn it, Emmett." I straightened up, kicking him back before I pulled my foot under my chair so my leg was out of reach. "What?"

"How can you say the Seahawks don't have a chance? What kind of fan are you?"

"A realist," I smirked, and was forced to abandon my introspection as I dissected the upcoming game with Emmett and Felix. We were still talking when Embry and Alex returned, their eyes red and a little puffy.

_What the fuck? Have they been crying?_

I glanced at Bella, who snickered and shrugged, prompting me to look back at the guys. This time, I took in the subtle, lazy smile on Embry's face and the way Alex blinked slowly and then opened his eyes wide, peering around curiously.

_Oh. He really _was_ high…_

I chuckled as Bella stood up and took both our empty dishes to the kitchen, returning with a small stack of clean plates. The newcomers quickly settled in, piling food on their plates in silence before they sat back and ate.

Within a few minutes, I heard the front door open for the final time, and I knew Paul had to be back. The only question was whether or not Jane had returned as well.

Paul's glower was the first thing I saw when he came walking through the doorway. His eyes were narrowed, and he was wearing his perpetual sneer. I didn't notice Jane behind him until he moved to the side, walking around the table to sit. Jane, however, hovered in the doorway, looking more unsure than I had ever seen her. Her eyes were downcast and her shoulders slumped, her posture screaming both insecurity and reluctance.

"Alice?" Her quiet voice broke through the noise in the room, and all the conversations halted at once.

Alice's eyes were huge as her head swung around to look at Jane. "What?" she asked, sounding more surprised than angry.

Jane stood up a bit straighter, irritably swiping at the hair that had fallen into her pale blue eyes. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alice pushed away from the table without a word, her movements made crisp by her irritation now that she'd gotten over the initial shock. I started to stand, intent on going to protect Alice, but Bella put her hand on my knee, gripping it as I saw her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. Jasper automatically stood as well, but Alice put her hand on his arm and whispered something to him. He frowned and shook his head minutely, and the two of them bent closer together, having a heated, hushed argument that ended nearly before it began. In the end, Jasper stood at the end of the table with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched her follow Jane out of the room.

Silence reigned until we heard the click of the front door, and then conversations resumed seamlessly as if the mute button had been pressed on the TV. I shot Jasper a sympathetic look, knowing how hard it must be for him to let Alice go like that. He sighed and shoved his fingers through his hair before he stalked out of the room, standing just in our line of sight in the hallway as he glared at the front door.

I was aware that no one else seemed to care what was going on outside. They were all talking and arguing and laughing just like always, but the knot in my gut was only reinforced by Jasper's vigilant pose. Bella felt my tension and kept her hand on my knee though she knew better than to try to engage me in conversation just then. Instead, she talked to Felix on the other side of me, her thumb rubbing lightly on the outside of my thigh.

In only a few minutes, the door opened again, and Jasper's arms moved from in front of his chest, his hands resting near his hips as he stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. I could tell by the set of his jaw and the way he raised his chin that Jane was the one who had returned. I couldn't take the suspense anymore and pushed away from the table, turning my chair and leaning back a bit so I could see down the hallway.

Jane was standing a couple of feet away from Jasper, her cheeks flushed as she asked him to come outside with her. Without answering, Jasper began walking, his arms swinging at his sides as his thumbs slipped free again. Jane turned and led the way, and they were soon out of sight. When the door closed once more, Bella leaned over and kissed just in front of my ear, saying, "Alice is alright. Promise."

My eyes flickered to her as I gave a tight smile, but I rested my hand on top of hers, rubbing absently with my thumb as I nodded. She leaned close again to whisper, "You're adorable when you're all protective like that…"

I finally gave a true smile, intertwining our fingers as I moved her hand and leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees. I made a new effort to rejoin the conversation with Emmett and Felix, and I felt Bella squeeze my hand in approval while she and Quil teased Embry. My attention was still focused on the conversation taking place on the front porch, so it was a relief when I heard the door open yet again.

"Alright, get your shit together…we start in fifteen. Anyone not ready to go is an NPC tonight," Bella announced as she stood up. The guys groaned as one and began quickly cleaning up the remnants of the meal. Plates clanked together as some began loading the dishwasher while others began pulling books and dice from backpacks. Jared retrieved his laptop and had started setting it up at his place when Bella pulled on my hand and dragged me toward the open doorway. There, she caught Jasper's wrist and said, "Come with me."

Jasper was holding Alice's hand, and we were all three pulled in Bella's wake as she marched straight into the office and dropped our hands. She shut the door and stood in front of it with her arms crossed over her chest. "What the fuck was that about?"

"She wanted to apologize for the way she's been acting." Alice shrugged, her voice a good bit softer than Bella's had been.

My girlfriend made no attempt to lower her voice, though. "Really?" Her eyes were wide as Alice nodded. "And you believed her?"

With a small grin, Alice said, "A bit. She wanted to talk to Jasper alone, too. You saw how that went."

Bella shook her head slowly, clearly mystified. "I wonder why the hell she did that…"

Jasper snorted as Alice grinned broadly. He leaned toward us and muttered, "Apparently Paul clued her in to the fact that she was acting like a desperate whore."

Bella blinked and then snickered as she said, "Well, he never does hold back, that's for sure." Jasper agreed and chuckled before he turned toward the bookcase. He and Alice began gathering the books they would need, and Bella tugged on my shirt. I bent toward her, hearing her whisper, "Bet you anything he said that shit _after_ he slept with her…"

Without waiting for an answer, she stepped away and began pulling her books off the shelf, leaving me standing there stunned. She rarely spoke so…nonchalantly about sex. Sure, it was about someone else, but it was one of those things that always seemed to catch me off guard. I think I sometimes forgot that Bella wasn't nearly as inexperienced – or naïve - as she seemed.

When I saw her standing with a huge stack of book in her hands, I quickly opened the door and then went over to take them from her. She refused to give me all of them but relented somewhat, letting me take half. We joined everyone else at the table, and I watched as Bella smoothly turned on the light of her wooden DM screen, dumped her bag of dice unceremoniously on the tabletop, and sorted them swiftly with a precision that baffled me. Soon, they were all lined up in rows according to the number of sides, and she'd somehow even managed to create a pattern with the colors that had me shaking my head. She tossed my small green velvet dice bag to me with a wink, glanced at the clock, and said, "Damn…you're all here a minute early. Guess you all get to play tonight."

With that, the game began. Just like it had been when she was raiding, it was a fucking turn on to watch Bella take control. She called for rolls and settled arguments between the guys. When Alex and Embry kept giggling together, she separated the two of them, sending Alex down to the other end of the table beside Jasper.

I was surprised to find that Alex was one of the better players. Even in his current state, he asked intelligent questions, and he seemed to see things most of them missed. He was also funny as fuck, making up haikus on the spot and cracking jokes at everyone's expense – most often Paul's. I thought he just liked to piss him off – and I completely approved – up until I noticed he was occasionally shooting glances at Jane, who was rather subdued.

_Oh…_

He didn't like Paul fucking around with his sister. I could _definitely_ understand that, but I didn't quite get his response. If one of these fucks had been treating Alice that way, I would've beaten the shit out of him by now.

"I reach out and touch the mirror," Quil said as a couple of the guys groaned in protest. I'd been only vaguely aware of the game going on around me, and his voice made me blink as I looked at Bella to see if she needed me to do anything.

Quil shrugged with a grin, and Jake muttered, "Goddamn halfling's going to get us killed…" He spoke up, saying, "I'm going to grab Merric by the collar."

"Roll initiative," was all Bella said.

The rattle of dice rose around the table before the guys began calling out their numbers, and I quickly wrote them down on a sticky note. I rearranged them and jotted down the order on another note for Bella and put it in front of her. She glanced down with a smirk and said, "Alright, Lindal, you're up first."

Embry, who was playing Quil's brother, chuckled and shifted his eyes to the left, exchanging a brief look with Quil. "What do I notice?" he asked.

Bella described the situation for him, clarifying everyone's position with miniatures carefully arranged on the mat spread across the table. She again described the cave they were standing in, finishing with, "You see Merric standing just in front of a large, roughly oval-shaped depression in the wall. It seems to be some sort of obsidian, and the surface is so highly polished that you can see his dim reflection in it. He's only inches away, his hand outstretched, and he seems intent on touching it."

Embry thought for a moment and then shifted back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "I watch."

A few seats down, Paul swore under his breath as Quil's grin widened. It was now his turn, and he said again, "I'm going to touch the mirror." He mimed reaching forward, asking Bella what he felt.

"The stone is warmer to the touch than you anticipated. It feels smooth and hard at first, but then it gives way, your fingers sinking through the surface," Bella said.

Quil said he pulled back, and a frenzy of activity began as Bella described something coming through the mirror, saying, "You see a shadow moving forward through the black stone, its shape strangely bulbous with what seem to be tentacles dangling below. The tip of a beak presses through the stone."

The next several minutes were a blur of dice rolls for checks and attacks – everyone doing everything from trying to figure out what the thing was to trying to kill it. Bella described it as what seemed to be a huge brain with tentacles, and Emmett caught my eye, raising his eyebrows suggestively and making me snort and roll my eyes in response. By the time Jared said, "Fuck, it's a grell! That damn thing's venomous…" Merric was already wrapped up in the tentacles, being held several feet off the ground. He was stunned and staring straight ahead while the grell moved off to the side and a few others followed through the mirror.

The combat was intense and went on for far longer than I would've thought. Rosalie's warrior was impressive, stepping in front of the rest of the group and managing to keep the attention of nearly all the grell. She yelled out curses and swung her imaginary hammer as she attacked, and I chuckled at the enamored expression on Emmett's face as he watched her.

Jasper and Alice made a good team, standing away from the rest of the group as Jasper's elf fired arrows into the fight. Alice was really getting into her role, spreading her hands out in front of her and calling out made-up words as her warlock cast spells. She giggled a few times, and she clapped her hands when she killed her first monster – she was obviously having a great time. Embry celebrated with her, and Jared gave her a high five from his seat beside her.

Though she remained solemn, Jane's wizard worked efficiently, and I noticed that she chose many of the same targets Alice did, subtly working to help bring them down.

The rest of the guys all had clearly defined roles, and they were used to working as a group. Jake was a natural leader, keeping the others focused and helping to make sure no one fell. He and Bella had a strange chemistry when they worked together this way, and they often finished each other's sentences and exchanged knowing looks. I really wasn't sure what to think of that, but it was _my _thigh that Bella's hand was resting on, and I was the one she leaned over to whisper to, so I tried not to dwell too much on the fact that she and Jacob gamed well together.

Paul stood up midway through the fight, and he paced behind his chair, muttering to himself and running his fingers through his hair. On his turn, he'd stop and grip the back of his chair, leaning over to roll his dice. When he made a terrible roll and his character fumbled and dropped his dagger, I thought he was literally going to pull his hair out by the roots. Embry just made Paul seethe more when he said, "Tough break, Paul…I guess rogues can't always be dexterous," with an innocent expression.

By the end, tempers were running high all around, and there was an impressive pile of bodies on the miniatures mat surrounding the victorious party members. Embry's character was busy trying to help Jared's dwarf revive his brother when Alex said, "Curious halfling - Leave shiny mirrors alone - Brain with beak goes crunch."

Everyone laughed, even Quil and Paul, and Bella told the guys they were out of combat. As the party regrouped and healed up, she announced a fifteen minute break, and there was a collective groan as people stood and stretched. The room was nearly empty quicker than I would've thought possible, everyone disappearing to the bathroom or to the kitchen for a snack. Only Jared, typing away on his laptop, and Alex, making a few of the miniatures battle each other, were left when Bella glanced over at me and smiled softly.

"So…what do you think?" she asked.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "That was way different than I expected…"

"Really?" Both her eyebrows were raised as she looked at me curiously.

"Yeah, just…I guess I expected more…umm…" I trailed off, not wanting to offend her.

"Dorkiness?" Bella supplied with a wry grin.

I laughed. "Yeah, something like that. I don't know. I guess I was thinking of the video games I've played where you're in character all the time. And, you know, those videos of people in capes and shit. It's kind of hard to understand until you see it, you know?" I shrugged and then leaned in a little closer. "Is Paul always like that?"

Jared laughed suddenly, but when we glanced up, he was still staring at his screen. He shook his head and typed something again, so I looked back at Bella. Her eyes were soft as she murmured, "He always talks to Kim during our breaks." She cleared her throat and raised her voice a bit. "Yeah, he's kind of intense…he's actually calmed down a little, if you can believe it."

We spent the next few minutes talking about the game, and Bella showed me a few of the things coming up so that I could help her when she needed it. We lined up miniatures behind the screen, looked over monster cards, exchanged a few soft, sweet kisses, and all too soon, the guys were all back around the table.

The next few hours passed in a blur of conversation and die rolls and laughter. I'd never seen so much Mountain Dew consumed, and I was pretty sure some of the guys were going to be pissing green for a week. We ordered pizza around 10:00 and took a longer break when it arrived. Bella grabbed a pizza still in the box while I picked up a few beers, and we went to sit with Felix in the living room, more for a change of scenery than anything else.

"Thanks, sweetpea," he said when Bella opened the box on the coffee table. He ruffled her hair, and the grin she gave him in response was so adorable. I was finally able to see their relationship clearly – she looked at him as an older brother. Alice used to look at me like that when she was a kid. She still did sometimes – albeit very fucking rarely now. Watching Bella and Felix, I could see the little bit of hero worship she had for him.

He asked her about her thesis, and I listened as Bella talked about working a few of the holy sonnets into her paper. Felix nodded thoughtfully and asked questions, and it was clear to me that she'd talked to him about it several times before. Finally, she kissed my cheek and whispered, "I'll be right back," as she stood up and left the room.

I looked back at Felix as I picked up another piece of pizza. "You like Donne?"

"Hell, no. Most of the time I don't have a fucking clue what she's talking about, but I know enough to listen." He shrugged and grinned. "I've picked up a little bit along the way."

I laughed with him, and he changed the subject, asking me about med school. When Bella hadn't returned a few minutes later, he leaned toward me, resting his elbows on his knees and lowering his head a bit as he said, "Hey…thanks, man. Not to get all sentimental and shit, but she looks so much better than she has in a long time. She cares about you. And you make her happy."

We looked at each other for a minute, and then I said, "I know. Don't fuck it up, right?"

He gave me half a grin with a wink and downed the last of his beer as Bella flopped back down on the floor beside me. Felix smoothly turned the conversation back to the Seahawks, and the three of us talked for a few more minutes before Bella patted my leg and said it was time to go back. As we were leaving, Felix settled back on the couch, stretching out with his ankles crossed on the far arm, and I heard the canned laughter of a sitcom from the TV.

I lost track of how much time passed as we played, but when Embry yawned, I gave a jaw-cracking yawn in response, making my eyes water. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was just after 1:00. I blinked several times, rolling dice for the band of mercenaries the party had stumbled upon. My reactions seemed to be slowing, and I was thankful when the fighting ended and Bella called the game for the night.

It seemed to take far too long to get everyone packed up and ready to go. The guys kept pausing, laughing about things that had happened during the night and talking animatedly about their plans for the next day. Bella was going to have breakfast ready at 9:00 for anyone who wanted it, and they were going to start gaming again an hour later. I tried not to be rude, hiding my yawns behind my fist, but I was fading fast. I'd gotten used to staying up far later than this, so I wasn't really sure why I was so tired.

Finally, everyone had been ushered out the door – everyone, that is, but the ones I'd come to think of as belonging here. We were standing in the kitchen talking quietly – Jasper was sitting on the counter with Alice leaning back against it between his legs. Her arms were resting on his thighs on either side of her hips, and she was laughing at something Rosalie said. Emmett was standing near Rosalie with his arms crossed over his chest, grinning as he teased Bella, who was leaning back against me. My arms were wrapped around her, my fingers in her belt loops as I rested my chin lazily on her head. I could feel my eyes closing and made myself straighten up, pulling Bella a little more tightly against me. She folded her arms over mine, patting my hand gently.

She pushed away from me, and I know I frowned like a petulant child until I heard her say, "I'm exhausted…I think we're going to bed."

Emmett looked over at me with an eyebrow raised pointedly. I shrugged, giving him what was probably a cocky grin, though I didn't really mean it to be. Bella had invited me to stay tonight when we were at my apartment, so – for once – I'd brought a backpack with a change of clothes and a few other things.

Emmett smirked and said, "Come on, Rosie…I'll take you home." Rosalie blushed, the pink looking completely foreign on her cheeks. She hugged her brother, who whispered something that made her punch him in the gut, causing him to bend over with an -oof- before she wrapped Alice in a hug and kissed her cheek. Em began making his rounds as well, giving Jasper the one-armed guy hug while Rosalie came over to us. She hugged us both at once, kissing our cheeks as she said goodnight.

We all wandered toward the front door as Rosalie and Emmett left, and as soon as Jasper locked the door, he turned around, yawning, and said they were going to bed, too.

"Don't stay up too late, young lady," he teased Bella, tickling her ribs as he passed. "You have a busy day tomorrow."

The sight of Jasper disappearing into his bedroom with my little sister was an odd one. I felt a faint urge to go pull her out and demand to know what the fuck she thought she was doing…but the sight of my Bella yawning beside me and mumbling, "Come on…let's go to bed," was enough to overcome my brotherly instincts.

I'd just have to try to forget the fact that Alice and Jasper were obviously more physically involved than Bella and I were.

_Just pray to God they're too tired to do anything tonight…_

I grimaced and took Bella's hand, leading her down the hall to her room. We spent a few minutes getting ready for bed, brushing our teeth side-by-side as we stole glances at each other in the mirror. As tired as I had been, I found myself slowly waking up as I watched her. She leaned over, cupping her hands beneath the faucet to rinse her mouth out, and I caught myself staring at her ass and the way she bent one knee toward the cabinet.

When she straightened and dried her face with a towel, I blinked and forced myself back in motion, finishing up quickly before I went back into her room. I unzipped my backpack and searched through, pulling out my pajama pants before returning to the bathroom. I made sure to give Bella a few extra minutes, using the restroom and changing my pants. I took my time washing my hands and then looked at myself in the mirror, idly messing with my hair and trying to get it to pretend it liked my scalp. No luck, of course – it still looked like it was trying to escape.

Feeling somewhat stupid, I knocked on the bathroom door from the inside and heard Bella's quiet giggle. "Come in," she called with amusement clear in her voice.

A wide grin was already on my face as I opened the door, flipping off the light. My sarcastic comment faded on my lips at the sight of Bella sitting on her bed. Her hair was down, cascading over her slender shoulders and ending just above the purple-and-yellow "WASHINGTON" emblazoned on her chest. I tried not to stare, but when I moved my eyes, they simply roamed down her body, noting the thin purple shorts she was wearing in place of her normal flannel pants. For the first time, I could see her legs and, though they were pale, they were more toned than I'd realized. I felt my dick twitch in my boxers at the thought of her wrapping those legs around me, and I swallowed hard.

_Wide fucking awake now, aren't you?_

Hell yes, I was.

I couldn't think. At all. I just acted. I walked toward the bed, tossing my jeans to the floor along the way. When I got to her, Bella smiled up at me and welcomed me into her arms as we kissed. I kept moving, pressing her back onto the mattress so that I was lying on top of her. Her hands slid down my back, caressing my sides and pulling me closer as our lips parted and our tongues began to move together. My right leg was on the mattress, my left thrown over her, and her knees slowly shifted apart, mine coming to rest between hers.

Everything was a blur of soft skin and quiet sighs and tongues and lips and the subtle abrasion of teeth. Strangely, the fresh, minty taste of her toothpaste mingled sensually with the scent of her strawberry shampoo, creating an intoxicating combination I never would have imagined would be appealing.

It sure as hell was now.

Bella's hands were all over me – reaching up to grip my shoulders, sliding down to rub along my back. They stalled just around my hips before I felt her slowly, tentatively, move them downward. Her hands hovered there, palms barely touching my ass, as she pulled back slightly and whispered breathlessly, "Is this okay?"

"God yes…" I managed before my lips were on hers again. The pressure from her hands increased gradually as we kissed until she was holding on firmly, fingers and palms kneading my ass. I kissed along her cheek to her ear, teasing the lobe with my teeth before sucking it between my lips. Letting go, I kissed my way down her neck, and one of her hands moved to the back of my head, holding it closer. She felt so fucking amazing beneath me, and nowhere in my mind was there any thought of stopping.

My arms were on either side of Bella's shoulders, and I was propped on my elbows, keeping my weight off of her. Without any thought, my left hand moved to her hip, gripping her through the fabric of her shirt.

_My shirt._

She was shifting beneath me, subtle movements of her hips and shoulders, nearly writhing as I kissed the sweet skin at the hollow of her throat. My hand began its slow ascent, fingertips caressing her through the soft cotton. My fingers danced deftly across her ribs, running along the delicate rises much as they did on my piano keys.

"Edward…kiss me…" she breathed, and I lifted my head, our mouths joining once more as my thumb brushed the smooth curve of her breast. At her sharp intake of breath, I started to pull away, panic threatening to set in, but her moan soothed my fears and ignited my desire, and her fingers laced in my hair, holding my lips decisively to hers.

Her hand left my head, moving to my chest, where she shoved lightly. At once, I pulled my hand away and rolled to my side, trying to give her the space she needed. Instead of fear, though, I saw yearning in Bella's eyes as she pushed me further. I was lying on my back, my eyes wide as I watched her shift until she was on top of me. Her knees settled on either side of my hips, and I closed my eyes for a moment, my hands clenched into fists on the mattress as I struggled to control myself and understand what was going on. My brain finally engaged, but I was aware of it only dimly as it tried to scream a warning at me.

She allowed me no time to recover, one hand tangling in my hair as the other cupped my cheek. She kissed my jaw, her hair forming a darkened curtain around my face as she worked her way to my ear and whispered, "No…don't stop…touch me, please…"

My hands relaxed, but I could feel the tension in my knuckles from how tightly they'd been balled into fists. They moved to her knees, and I caressed her gently, massaging my way up her thighs before my hands flitted over her hips. I held her waist, allowing myself to fully enjoy the sensation of kissing her. I willed my lips to slow, bringing her frenzied pace to something more loving, more sensual, though my body was screaming at me to let her do whatever the fuck she wanted to me.

Again, I let my hand unhurriedly traverse her ribs, my other hand resting on the small of her back as I held her close. Bella's kisses grew softer as her back arched, and I knew all the attention in the room was on my hand. My thumb lightly stroked her – once, twice, a third time – and then we both moaned as I moved my hand further and gently cupped her breast. Her lips pulled away from mine as she rested her forehead against mine, and my eyes flickered wildly over her face, struggling to read her expression as I held utterly still.

I was watching when she licked her lips and a slow smile spread across her face, her eyes closed as she pressed her chest toward mine. I knew her well enough to recognize the look of concentration and triumph on her face. Her expression made me smile, and I cautiously moved my hand, letting my thumb drift across her nipple. She bit her bottom lip in response, a soft sigh escaping her.

Unable to resist, I glanced downward, my own quiet moan joining hers when I saw my hand molded around Bella's breast. I tilted my head, needing to kiss her, to feel her, to be joined with her in the only way I could right now, and her lips met mine eagerly. Her tongue ran along my lower lip, and I parted them, kissing her passionately. I caressed her tenderly, my thumb teasing and circling her nipple as I gave us both time to adjust to this beautiful new experience.

Despite the heat behind our kisses, we were slowing, instinctively realizing together that this was far enough for tonight. My other hand moved from Bella's back, mimicking the journey of the first as I took both her breasts in hand, squeezing gently as I relished their soft weight in my palms, my lips never ceasing their adoration of the incredible woman lying here with me.

Her fingers began to loosen in my hair, her hands moving down to brush along my neck and shoulders, fingertips drifting delicately over my arms. I shifted my hands, slowly working my way back down her ribs until they were again resting on the small of her back, my fingers laced together against her bare skin as my thumbs stroked her.

She began pulling away slowly, smiling between the soft, light kisses she placed on my lips. I sensed the matching smile on my face, feeling completely blissed out as my arms loosened so she could move. She raised herself, sitting up astride me with her hands on my chest. Her pelvic bone dug into my throbbing cock at just the wrong point, and I hissed at the painful jolt, my hands on her hips lifting her up off of me.

In an instant, her face went from euphoric to nervous and apologetic, and she blurted out, "I'm sorry!" as she tried to scramble away from me.

I held her firmly, shifting her so that she was sitting a few inches forward, straddling my chest. "It's okay, sweetheart," I said softly, rubbing soothing circles along her hipbones with my thumbs. I gave her the crooked grin she seemed to love, trying to ignore the uncomfortable way my pants were pulled tightly across my crotch. "I'm fine…promise."

She looked unconvinced, so I lifted my head, stretching my neck until she bent forward to kiss me. Incredibly, her eyes began to shimmer with tears. "Bella?" At the sound of my voice, she squeezed her eyes shut, and the first of her tears dripped onto her cheeks.

Lying on my back with her above me left me feeling helpless, so I sat up, gathering her in my arms. I kissed her temple, whispering, "Shh…I'm alright, love…we're okay…" and countless other reassurances, trying to calm her. She wasn't sobbing, wasn't hysterical – she was simply crying quietly, her arms enveloping me while her hands gripped my shoulders.

She turned her head, resting her cheek on my shoulder as she held me close. We were rocking slowly on the bed, clinging together as though the other was a life preserver and we were surely drowning. I sensed Bella's tension, her fear, her uncertainty – for they were mine, too. I laid my cheek on her shoulder, and she inhaled deeply before sighing. She kissed my neck, and I gave a small smile, squeezing her and shifting her even closer. Her heat radiated over my dick, feeding the erection I tried to will away as her legs wrapped around me, her hand reaching up to play with my hair.

We sat that way in silence, calming and growing still, until she finally lifted her head, looking me in the eye. Her cheeks were streaked with her tears, and I brushed away the last of them with my thumb. "Are you alright?" My voice was quiet and gruff with emotion as I worried that maybe we'd rushed things and hit a breaking point for Bella.

She gave a weak smile, her lower lip trembling as she nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, tracing my cheekbone with her thumb. She bit her bottom lip, and the expression on her face was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that I felt the pain deep in my chest.

"There's nothing to apologize for, sweetheart…we just moved a little too fast, that's all. We don't have to do this. Let's just go back to-"

"No." Bella's definitive answer cut me off just as surely as the finger she placed on my lips. I stopped mid-sentence, my eyebrows climbing toward my hairline as I watched her. She said nothing more, lowering her hand and looking at me levelly.

"But, Bella-"

"No, Edward."

I frowned at her, wishing she would explain – give me _something_ to go on. Her forehead was wrinkled, a look of frustration on her face. I waited in silence, my eyes never leaving hers, until I had to speak. I whispered, "It's just too much…let's just take this slow, okay?"

Anger flashed in her eyes as her face fell. "I don't understand. Don't you…want me…?" She tore her eyes from mine, but not before I saw the pain there.

My mind recoiled as if I'd been slapped.

_Not those words._

_Not from Bella._

I was motionless, at a loss as to what to do. Anger seeped into my voice when I spoke, turning it colder and harder than I ever intended to use with Bella. "You have no idea how much I want you." I moderated my tone, taking a deep breath to collect myself and soften my voice. "I just think…I think we should slow down. Bella, love, I've waited for you my whole life…I can wait as long as it takes."

"This isn't about just you." Her words pulled me up short, and I sat up straighter, looking at her in confusion. Her cheeks bloomed pink, and the defiance faded from her eyes.

"Bella?" I finally managed.

She gave a strange noise somewhere between a groan and a growl and closed her eyes, her chin dropping so that I was left staring at the top of her head. I started rubbing her back slowly, trying to give her the time she needed. What she said next stunned me.

"Damn it, Edward, I want you so fucking bad, I can't stand it. I don't know how long I _can_ wait." My cock jerked hard, and I felt pre-cum leaking from the tip.

_God fucking _damn_._

Bella's head snapped up, and she looked at me, her eyes wide. Oh yeah, she felt it. _Fuck. _The hint of panic I saw there reinforced my belief that we were moving too quickly, and I gave her a tiny smile as I leaned forward, kissing her lips chastely. I placed my hands on her hips and shifted her away a bit, folding my legs Indian-style and settling her in the middle. "Sweetheart, I love you…and thank you. I'll never get tired of hearing you say you want me…I can promise you that." I paused, reaching up to brush back the hair that had fallen over her forehead when she looked down. "But I feel like you're pushing yourself for me, and that's just…it's not necessary. I'm content." I thought for a moment. "Fuck no, I'm not content. I'm goddamn happier than I've ever been. I'm…" I sighed. "I'm sorry you're frustrated."

"I just feel like a failure sometimes, you know…?" she began, her voice barely audible. She glanced down and grew suddenly still. I followed her gaze and saw the big ass tent pitched in my pants. There was no hiding it, no mistaking it. I rolled my eyes at my traitorous dick as I pulled at my t-shirt over it and tucked it into the waistband of my pants in one practiced motion – as if this conversation wasn't delicate enough without adding visual effects.

I lifted Bella's chin, shaking my head slightly at her. "You are not a failure in any way, Bella…you are a beautiful, brave woman, and I'm a fucking lucky bastard to have you sitting here in my lap holding me and kissing me…and loving me…" My cheeks heated as I admitted how truly fortunate I felt, and she smiled timidly in response.

She took a deep breath and raked her fingers through her hair, biting her bottom lip and looking up at me through her lashes. Her eyes flickered to my crotch again, and she leaned towards me, her voice a hesitant murmur in my ear. "I just keep feeling like I should…do…something…to umm…to help you…"

"No, I'm fine…" I started to brush it off - after all, I was a goddamn pro at self-abuse after the last couple of years – but before I could go any further, an idea hit me, and I spoke without thinking. "Wait. Are you really saying you want _me_ to do something to help _you_?"

I actually felt the heat radiating off her cheeks as she shook her head quickly. Her strong reaction intrigued me. I ghosted my fingertips along her upper arms, slowly moving up and down as I attempted to soothe her. There was no need for her embarrassment. I didn't want either of us to keep anything hidden – but I had to admit that I hadn't really anticipated just _how_ awkward this complete honesty thing could get. "Bella…" I stopped, clearing my throat.

_Don't be a pussy. You can do this._

"Bella…" I tried again. "Have you ever…I mean ahh…" _Shit._ Okay, maybe I was a pussy. I took a deep breath, my cheeks puffing out as I exhaled. "Have you ever had an umm…" I trailed off, completely taking the chickenshit way out as my eyes pleaded with her to understand.

_Orgasm. Have you ever had an orgasm? That shit's not so hard to say._

_Fuck. You._

I heard the laughter in my head as she watched me curiously, a touch confused for a moment before comprehension dawned in her eyes. She blinked, blushing with a slightly disbelieving, uncomfortable grin on her face before she cleared her throat and glanced away, her eyes on the wall behind me. "Uhh…"

We were the poster children for unintelligible utterances.

_Don't make me say it again. Please._

_You didn't say anything the first time, pansy._

Thankfully, Bella finally gave a hesitant nod, still looking past me. "I th-think so anyway." Her blush deepened. "It's been a really, really long time…" Pain twisted her face briefly before a shadow of the mask I'd seen her wear while telling her story slid into place.

I swallowed against the bile rising in my throat as I thought of what her answer must mean.

_That motherfucker._

Reaching out, I stroked her jaw with my thumb. I didn't turn her face, letting her look wherever she wanted, but my heart swelled when she moved her eyes to me. There was an ancient sadness there and so much regret, but more than that, there was love for me as the left corner of her lips lifted slightly. She shrugged.

"Only with him?" I whispered, and she nodded. That mask was crushing me, making my chest burn, and I couldn't take seeing it there anymore. I leaned forward, kissing my Bella softly. She was unresponsive at first, but then her lips moved with mine, and I tried so hard to show her with that kiss the confusing jumble of emotions coursing through me. I was saddened that that part of her life had been shut away for so long – and that the only experience she had with it was with the same asshole who had broken her so badly.

When we parted, I was lighter somehow, even though the distress I felt for her lingered. Each time we chipped away at another of the walls between us, we became stronger, closer, and more whole. I was sure I knew the answer to my next question, but I asked it anyway, intent on knowing everything about her I could. "So you've never felt the need to ahh…take care of things…yourself?"

She just shook her head at first, and I thought she wasn't going to answer. I was trying to think of what to say next when she spoke up. "I've never really had a…reason." She bit her bottom lip, the white of her teeth standing in sharp contrast to the flaming red of her cheeks as she squirmed uncomfortably in my lap. "I don't…" She sighed and glanced to the right before she looked me squarely in the eyes and breathed. "I don't exactly have a lot of good memories to go on, you know? It was easier to just…not think about it…"

Silence weighed heavily in the air as I thought about her words. "Bella, is all of this…" I gestured between us, "making you too…ahh…frustrated?"

She gave a small smile, surprising me when some of her embarrassment seemed to fade. "I do have to say that our…activities…have sort of made it cross my mind lately…" She shifted in my lap, pulling herself closer as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me. She took my lower lip between her teeth and bit lightly, making me give a low growl as my hands splayed across her lower back. I caught the smile on her face from the corner of my eye as she leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "I feel more alive than I've felt in years…please don't say we have to stop. Life's good with a little frustration, but I…I understand if it's too much…"

She hugged me, resting her head on my shoulder as she pressed her lips to my neck. She stroked my hair soothingly, relaxing me as only she could. "It's not too frustrating…" My voice was gruff, deepened by both desire and emotion as I rubbed Bella's back in return. We sat that way for an immeasurable time, our breathing growing steadier as we let all our stress drain away.

Or so I thought.

Bella's head lifted from my shoulder, and she looked at me with curiosity evident on her face. I raised an eyebrow, a slight frown on my lips.

I should've known what was coming.

"Do…" Bella cleared her throat to cover a nervous giggle. "Do you umm…take care of yourself?" She was staring down at her hands, which were picking at the lettering on my t-shirt.

I put my hand over hers, stilling them and prompting her to look back up at me. I was determined not to be embarrassed, so I gazed into her warm brown eyes as I admitted, "I do."

"Do you think about me?" Her voice was breathless, and her eyes flew wide before all the blood drained from her face and she looked down, muttering, "Fuck!" under her breath. Her shoulders were hunched defensively, her face carefully away from mine as she said, "I didn't mean to ask that. I'm sorry. Don't answer it, please."

My hand had been gingerly stroking hers, working to calm her, but it froze at her question. I forced myself back into motion, resuming my actions as if nothing had happened. This time, my voice was little more than a whisper as I said again, "I do…" Looking down at Bella's face from that angle, I saw her cheeks lift as she smiled to herself.

She raised her head, gazing at me with a mixture of pride and self-consciousness. Her eyes were curious again, and I felt a stab of foreboding.

_This won't end well for me._

Still, I asked, "What is it, love?"

Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and whispered, "Do you think of me…often?"

I swallowed. "Yes." It was getting harder to look her in the eye.

She raised her hand, nervously biting her thumbnail. I moved mechanically, pulling her hand away from her mouth and holding it in her lap. I felt numb, my pulse throbbing in my ears as I sensed my imminent mortification.

"Really?" I struggled to hear her. "When was the last time?"

_No fucking way._

_Say yesterday, man. Sunday. Any other time._

_Just be honest and say you don't want to answer that shit on the grounds that it might cause spontaneous combustion due to the heat of the fucking sun burning your cheeks._

My eyes were unfocused, falling away from hers as I was vaguely aware of purple and yellow in my field of vision. I couldn't hear myself say the words, but I forced them out all the same. "This afternoon. In the shower…"

_What. The. Fuck?_

_You have no sense of goddamn self-preservation at all, do you?_

_She's going to fucking leave you. Call you a perverted freak and kick your ass out on the street, where you probably belong._

The voices continued to rant in my head, no other sounds audible as I breathed shallowly. On some level, I was aware that my reaction was ridiculous, but I was a bit too absorbed in my adolescent-boy-caught-jacking-off angst to worry about that. I had no problem with Bella knowing I did it – it was normal and all that shit, and God knows I'd done it enough in my life. It was what had helped me stay away from women for the past year and a half. I didn't even mind that she knew I was thinking of her. I figured she'd probably like that. I mean, I knew I'd fucking _love_ knowing Bella masturbated while thinking of me.

But knowing I was jerking off to thoughts of her lips wrapped around my cock while she was a mere twenty feet away innocently reading _Watchmen _was something else entirely.

"Fuck." My curse was the first sound I heard.

"-ward? Edward." In a daze, I lifted my eyes, taking in Bella's concerned face. The tension in her forehead relaxed slightly, and she gave me a flicker of a smile. "Are you alright?" she asked.

I nodded, swallowing. I didn't trust my voice. She exhaled lightly and leaned in, brushing a kiss across my lips. When she straightened again, I saw the way her lips kept twitching at the corners.

She's…_smirking_?

Blinking, I looked again. Bella – my sweet, innocent, non-masturbating, blushing-at-the-thought-of-an-orgasm girlfriend – was _smirking_ at me because I couldn't control myself and had rubbed one off in the shower while she was waiting.

"A little proud of yourself, aren't you?" I teased, feeling strangely light-headed and nearly euphoric at her reaction.

She bit her bottom lip, trying to hide her smile, but she didn't last long. A giggle broke through, and then she was beaming, pride written all over her face. I laughed with her, tackling her so that we were lying sideways on the bed as I tickled her. The heady sound of her giggling and squealing helped me forget everything that had happened tonight so that I was finally able to relax again.

Before long, my fatigue hit me again, and I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling with a smile as Bella snuggled up close to me. She rested her head on my chest, her hand lying on my stomach, and I let out a small noise of contentment, wishing we didn't have to move.

"Let's just stay here," Bella mumbled, her voice already thick with sleep.

"I don't want you to be cold," I whispered, stroking her arm.

She didn't respond – she just reached behind her, blindly feeling along the bed until she caught hold of the quilt and pulled it over us. My left foot was sticking out, so I reached out to that side, grabbing that end of the quilt and throwing it over us as well. I turned my head to the right, smiling when her hair tickled my chin, and we drifted off to sleep without another word, wrapped up in the middle of her bed like a burrito.

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_**A/N:**__ The title to this chapter is from a Violent Femmes song. Umm…yeah._

_I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and reviewing and recommending this story to their friends! I read every single review, even if I can't answer all of them. I'm still working on that, but I know that – typically – you'd rather I write the story, so I try to concentrate on that. _

_For those of you who enjoyed "Marked," my one-shot with Naelany for the Tattward and Inkella Contest, we will be continuing that story soon! Our joint penname is Whitlock-Masen, and you can find a link on my profile if you'd like to add us to your alerts so you'll know when the first chapter posts. The one-shot placed fifth overall – thank you to those who voted!_

_JOotG is currently up for a few more awards – I have been absolutely stunned with the nominations. Thank you so much to those who have nominated and voted for it! Links to the voting sites are on my profile as well._

_Finally, I am a guest judge in two different contests – __**For the Love of Jasper**__ and __**Les Femmes Noires **__ - and I cannot wait to read the entries for both! Check them out on my profile. I'd love to read your submissions, and be sure to vote for your favorites when the time comes :)_

_You all are awesome, and I am amazed by the response to this story. Thank you so much! I anticipate being able to update more regularly again now that I'm back on a normal schedule. Next up is BPOV of an interesting conversation with Jake and getting the gang to Forks for Thanksgiving._


	25. Shout at the Devil

_**A/N:**__ I own nothing you might recognize, but I do have a damn nice laptop and some of the best readers in the world. Thank you so much for your support, and I really hope you enjoy this, the last chapter before Thanksgiving Day arrives for Bella and company._

_More A/N at the bottom :)_

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**BPOV**

_I did _not_ ask him if he masturbated…_

That thought was the first that filtered through my consciousness, and I was instantly awake, though I remained still with my eyes closed.

_And I sure as _fuck_ didn't ask him if he thought about me!_

My breath hitched at the thought, and I worked to control it, trying to maintain the regular, soothing rhythm of sleep. Immediately, my mind began to wander, replaying last night. I fought the urge to bite my bottom lip and was surprised when my hips shifted involuntarily when I thought of the way Edward felt lying on top of me…kissing me…touching me…

The heat on my cheeks was familiar, though the source was anything but. This didn't feel like embarrassment. It felt like…arousal. I realized that my breathing was becoming shallower and quicker, and I again slowed it, concentrating for a bit before I let my thoughts drift.

I was still mortified that I'd asked him if he thought of me, but I had to admit…I did a little internal dance when he said he did. I didn't know if it was…_normal_ – I felt the ghost of a grimace on my face as the word passed through my mind – to be excited that my boyfriend thought about me when he jacked off, but I sure as hell was happy about it.

"You know…I know you're not asleep…" Edward's voice was amused, and I jerked around toward the source of it, my eyes flying open. His smile faltered before he took in the blush on my cheeks – and then he smirked. "Having pleasant dreams?" he asked innocently, but I saw the excitement – and happiness – in his eyes.

I dropped back onto my pillow, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands as I tried to adjust to being shocked into waking up so fully and so suddenly. I felt the heat of Edward's hand on my stomach and lowered my hands, opening my eyes to find him smiling at me. I smiled in response as he leaned over, placing a soft, chaste kiss on my lips. "I've been waiting nearly an hour to do that…" he murmured.

He started to pull away, and I lifted up slightly, kissing him again. When his words sank in, I let my head settle on the pillow again and arched an eyebrow. "An hour? What the hell have you been doing?"

Surprisingly, his cheeks flushed a light pink, and he glanced away. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still low when he spoke again. "I ahh…I was watching you sleep." He turned his eyes back to me, giving me the sweetest, most sheepish smile I'd ever seen. "You're just so damn beautiful…and you seemed so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you." He caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers, and I watched him for a long moment before I silently brought my hand to the back of his neck and pulled him to me, kissing him deeply – morning breath be damned. There was no way in hell I was going to let a moment like that pass us by.

When we parted, he stayed near me, his forehead resting against mine with his eyes still closed, and I loved the relaxed, content expression on his face. Finally, he opened his eyes and wrinkled his nose.

_Every time I think he can't get cuter…_

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well…" he glanced over his shoulder and then looked back at me. "I didn't want to wake you, but I was about to. It's a quarter 'til eight, and I didn't know what time you'd need to start breakfast."

"Shit!" I tried to sit straight up in bed, but the edge of the quilt had somehow gotten trapped between Edward's knees, and it held me down. He chuckled and helped me untangle the covers.

He murmured, "Shh…" as he traced my jaw with his thumb, causing me to shiver lightly and smile at him as I bit my bottom lip. "It's alright. I figured you could sleep in a little bit, and I'd help you."

Watching him smile at me that way forced out all thoughts of loud guys and dozens of eggs to cook. I settled back on the bed, whispering, "You really are too perfect…did you know that?" as I pulled him closer to me. His hand slipped around my waist, his hot palm pressing into my side as he leaned down to kiss me. Having the two of us wrapped up tightly in the quilt all night had super-heated the little space we occupied, and my body seemed to be on fire in the best way possible.

The next fifteen minutes were spent kissing and caressing each other, fingertips innocently exploring necks and shoulders and sides. Edward's lips were so soft, so slow, yet he made my body come alive.

He was the one to pull away and look pointedly back toward the clock again. His grin was beaming and playful when I groaned, and he laughed, tickling me gently. "Why don't you go take a shower, and I'll get some coffee started if Jasper hasn't already?"

I mimicked him, wrinkling my nose as I nodded with a sigh and extricated myself from the bedding. I stood beside the bed, stretching my arms over my head and arching my back, and I thought I heard a soft moan from behind. I glanced over my shoulder and inhaled lightly when I saw the look of desire on Edward's face. His eyes were focused on my torso, and they slowly rose to meet my eyes. "You're beautiful," was all he said before he stood silently and walked toward my door, pausing to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"So are you," I said with a quiet smile as he closed the door. I stood there staring for a moment longer before a quick look at the clock showed me I really had to get my ass in gear, or I was going to be left with a bunch of grumbling guys looking over my shoulder while I tried to cook. Still, the fact that Edward had let me sleep – and watched me – kept the smile on my face and had me humming happily as I gathered my clothes and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

As I relaxed beneath the spray of warm water, I was wearing the smile that seemed to be nearly constantly on my face these days, and I caught myself singing "Peaches" under my breath. I actually laughed out loud, and the unexpected sound made me pause, my eyes widening as I tried to recognize this person I was becoming.

My smile slid from my face at the sudden, intrusive thought that I was hardly myself now. That was ridiculous though – in truth, I hadn't been myself for so many years now that I wondered if maybe I just didn't recognize Bella anymore. I thought back, remembering that little girl who had squealed in delight as she ran from Jasper, tripping more often than not. That girl hadn't frozen in fear when someone walked behind her. That girl hadn't carefully measured each moment of contact between her body and another person's, searching for signs of panic.

And that girl hadn't gone to sleep each night dreading a visit from the specter of the man who had crushed her and made that little girl unrecognizable to the woman she had become.

_No. Fucking. More._

With renewed determination, I vowed that that motherfucker–

_James. Say his name._

I vowed that _James_ would no longer rule my world. But just the thought of his name made me cringe with the uncomfortable feeling of hidden eyes watching me, and I growled in frustration at myself as goosebumps broke out along my skin. I felt suddenly exposed, naked and vulnerable as he threatened to overwhelm me again.

_Don't let him._

My hands had stilled in my hair, so I forced myself back into motion, singing softly, "Peaches come from a can; they were put there by a man in a factory dooooowntown," as I massaged my scalp. The silly song and the memory of Edward laughing in the car began soothing me at once, and my voice grew more confident as I sang.

But my eyes were still wide open in search of the tormentor I feared would reach me even now. I took several calming breaths, focusing on the feeling of my chest rising and falling before I closed my eyes. Panic loomed there in the darkness behind my eyelids, giving birth to a nearly irresistible urge to open my eyes and prove to myself that he was _not_ there. Defiantly, I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and loosened my clenched jaw, singing loudly, "I took a little nap where the roots all twist, squished a rotten peach in my fist, and dreamed about you, woman…"

The sound of my confident voice – whether it was false or not had no bearing on the sound – rising above the steady stream of the shower helped me at once to let go of the terror gripping my chest. I refused to give in, and by the time I'd rinsed my hair and opened my eyes again, my returning smile was triumphant and firmly in place.

I finished my shower and stepped out, deciding as I leaned over to wrap my hair in a towel that the Presidents of the USA were fucking gods. I continued with my impromptu concert, singing through their catalog as I brushed my teeth and hair and got dressed in a long sleeved t-shirt and my jeans. I considered wearing Edward's shirt again, but I was worried that if I wore it too much, it wouldn't smell like him anymore. Instead, I folded it with the little purple shorts – I felt the heat on my cheeks as I remembered wearing them for him – and returned them both to the drawer of my nightstand. I hastily made the bed before leaving my room.

When I walked into the kitchen, I was singing, "Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove."

Edward didn't even pause, just grinning broadly as he sang, "Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love."

Jasper snorted and rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee as I went to hug Edward and give him a small kiss. He murmured, "Good morning," against my lips, and I felt that ridiculous, goofy smile that he always seemed to put there as I whispered it back to him.

I turned around, smirking at Jasper as I walked toward him. I tickled him in greeting, and he smiled at me, his blond hair sticking up all over his head. It was actually a bigger mess than Edward's this morning, which was quite a feat.

"Decide to sleep in this morning, Miss Swan?" he teased.

"Some of us aren't as naturally pretty as you, Jazzy…we need the beauty sleep."

He kicked lightly at the back of my knee, making it buckle as I muttered, "Jackass." He laughed, and his hand was on my elbow, helping me keep my balance, before his foot had even left my leg.

He knew me too well.

When he let go of my arm, I smacked him in the stomach with the back of my hand, and he chuckled as he grunted. I bent over, searching through the cabinet beside Jasper for my skillet, and I heard him clear his throat before asking Edward something. I lost the question in the rattle of the pans, but when I straightened up and turned around, I caught the faint blush on Edward's cheeks.

_What the fuck is that about?_

They were talking about our trip to Forks later that night, which struck me as odd, given the expression on Edward's face. It wasn't until I tried to catch his eye and couldn't that I noticed he was keeping his gaze carefully away from me.

_Wait…_

_Did Jasper catch him staring at me?_

There was no answer in my head, but I gave a strangled little giggle that I tried to cover by clearing my throat as I went to pull eggs from the refrigerator. When I glanced at Jasper, he smirked at me before his coffee mug covered his expression.

"Where's Alice?" I asked, deciding not to draw attention to whatever had happened between Jasper and Edward – I didn't want to embarrass Edward any more.

"I'm right here!" Alice's voice trilled, and I glanced over my shoulder to see a perky, freshly showered Alice dancing over to Jasper's side. Amusingly, both the men were still in their pajama pants and t-shirts, hair all awry as they sipped their coffee, while the two of us looked ready to start the day.

Before long, we sent them off to shower, too. Edward tried to protest, saying he needed to help me, but Alice shooed him away, telling him she would make sure I had all the help I needed. He glanced back over his shoulder as she was pushing on his back to get him out of the kitchen, and I laughed at the pout on his face, nodding to let him know it was fine. Alice grabbed an extra apron and tied it on, chattering as we cooked.

When the knock on the door came about twenty minutes later, Jasper's voice called, "I'll get it," from the hallway, and the familiar babble of my guys' voices filled our apartment again.

_Just one more day,_ I thought, shaking my head. I could never wait for them to get here – and I really did love having them around – but I was always ready for them to go by the end.

They descended on the kitchen, a fluid mass of hugs and laughter and teasing voices, and I couldn't help but smile. We always worked well together, and in no time, the table was set, and serving dishes full of eggs and bacon and sausage and everything else they could possible want – that I was willing to fix anyway – were being moved into the dining room.

"Hey, sweetpea, where's E?" Felix asked as he came over to hug me good morning.

"He's in the shower," I said, my head just below Felix's chest as I was swallowed in his embrace. "He'll be out in just a minute, I'm sure."

Felix arched an eyebrow but didn't say anything as he helped me fix drinks for everyone. Quil was just carrying the last of the glasses to the table when a second knock on the door sounded. This time it was Edward's voice that called out that he'd get it, and in no time, we were joined by him, Rosalie, and Emmett, who clapped Edward so hard on the back as they came into the room that he staggered forward a step.

Once everyone was there, we dug into breakfast, the guys making short work of it as I let their banter roll over me. I was reaching that sort of glazed point where I'd nearly had enough of company and was ready to be a recluse for a few days – unfortunately, the holidays never allowed that. I'd just be trading this group for the next one, but at least at the Hales', I'd have some time alone.

_Completely fucking alone._

I realized, again, that Edward would be leaving me tomorrow night, and I didn't even know I was frowning until I felt his hand lightly stroking my knee. All his attention was seemingly on the conversation he was having with Embry, but he had still somehow sensed my tension.

I picked up my fork again, trying to focus on the conversations going on around me, and I caught sight of Jake frowning as his eyes slid across me and Edward. I had hoped that, by now, he'd be over whatever issues he had, but it just seemed to be getting worse. I wondered if he was going to be able to leave without saying anything, or if it was going to come to some sort of confrontation.

Much like the day before, the next several hours were a blur of eating, washing dishes, rolling dice, talking, laughing, and settling arguments between the boys. I easily slipped into my role as the Dungeon Master, in control and focused…except for the way Edward's fingers occasionally trailed up my inner thigh from my knee. His attention was usually turned elsewhere – laughing with Quil or making a face at Alice – but his fingertips lightly traced lines through my jeans halfway up my thigh, making me bite my bottom lip in concentration more than once.

That simple contact was making me squirm, and I could take only so much before I called a break, escaping to my bathroom as a cover. There, I leaned on the counter and looked at myself in the mirror, taking in the blush on my cheeks and the way my eyes danced with excitement.

I sat on the edge of my tub for a few minutes, trying to calm my racing heart. I…_wanted_. Badly. I couldn't even articulate exactly what I wanted, but my body responded to Edward in a primal way that I honestly couldn't remember ever feeling before.

"Bella?" Edward's soft voice was followed by a light knock on the door that made me jump. "Are you alright?"

"Fine!" I called, my voice sounding strangled and tense to my ears. I hopped up, turning on the water. Without letting it warm, I wet my face and then patted it dry, again studying myself in the mirror. My eyes were a little less wild, but the blush was still there – this time from embarrassment.

Taking a few calming breaths, I opened the door to find Edward standing there, frowning as he leaned with his shoulder against the frame. His lips lifted into a smile when he saw me, and he whispered, "You sure?"

I nodded, feeling the heat flare all along my neck and cheeks.

_Honesty. He fucking told you he masturbates. To you. When you're in the goddamn apartment._

"You…" My voice cracked, and I paused to clear my throat. "You were sort of driving me crazy in there."

His brow furrowed briefly before he caught the meaning of my words. I saw the way he tried to hold back, but his lips twitched twice before a beaming smile spread across his face. He leaned down and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, holding me close and lifting me several inches from the ground as he kissed me. When he pulled away, he murmured, "Sorry…" and I laughed.

"Sure you are…you look _really_ sorry." My tone was sarcastic, but I grinned at him, trying to let him know he had nothing to apologize for.

He chuckled, not even bothering to try to deny it, and nuzzled his face into my neck, squeezing me once before I felt the warmth of his lips on my throat, making me sigh softly. He set me back down and looked me in the eye as he said, "Seriously, I'm sorry. I'll stop if it bothers you."

I took both his hands, giving them a gentle squeeze as I answered. "Don't. Please. It's…distracting…but I fucking love it."

He studied me carefully, his eyes drifting over my whole face – taking in my eyes, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips – before he finally nodded and gave me another smile. "Just tell me if it's too much?"

"I always will," I answered quietly. "Promise."

He nodded and said, "Shall we?" before taking my hand. He laughed when I made a face, and we walked back into the dining room, rejoining the guys. I tried to ignore my more antisocial tendencies, reminding myself that I didn't get to see the boys very much, and I should enjoy it while it lasted. They were starting to wear on me, though, and I found myself getting short with them a couple of times.

We'd had a late breakfast, so it was around 1:00 that afternoon before the first grumblings of food began to crop up. We kept playing until the arguments about what to get for lunch became too distracting, and I finally just called a break. No more than two or three of us could agree on what to eat, so we decided to pause for a couple of hours to let people get whatever they wanted.

I sat back in my seat as the room began to clear out, exhaling a sigh as I rested my head on the back of my chair and stared at the ceiling. As much as I loved running the game – and I really wouldn't trade it with anyone else – it was exhausting sometimes. There was just so much to keep up with.

Edward's hand squeezed my thigh, making me sit up straighter and turn my head to look at him. "Any idea what you want?" he asked.

_Are you on the menu?_

I smirked – and probably blushed – at the thought as I shook my head. "I'm not even really hungry yet…are you?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I was actually thinking I should just go back to my apartment and pack…that way we don't have to worry about that later."

We were going to be leaving for Forks right about the same time the guys did, likely around 7:00, so we'd be arriving at the Hales' pretty much in time to go to bed. For me, anyway – I was getting up early in the morning to help Mama Hale cook.

My heart warmed at the thought of Jasper's kind, nurturing mother. In so many ways, she had been a mom to me ever since she put a Snoopy band-aid on the first skinned knee I got at her house – on my first visit there, of course. She never coddled me, never let me take the easy way out, but she always protected me with a fierceness that I'd rarely seen from my own mother. Renee was just…not that way. I loved my mom, but – to my mind – Mama Hale was what a mother _should_ be, while Renee had always been more of a friend.

"Bella?" Edward was watching me with his head tilted just slightly to the right.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, alright…" I frowned as I thought. I glanced around at the messy piles of books in front of me with a sigh. "I'd say I'd go back with you, but I should probably catch up on a few things here. It'll make the afternoon go easier…"

Edward was unintentionally pouting, and those slightly pursed lips made me feel mischievous. I leaned in, taking his bottom lip between mine as I kissed him. I teased his lip with the tip of my tongue, but when he moved to kiss me more fully, I shifted my lips away, bringing them to his ear. I whispered, "Besides…I'm not sure how much packing you'd get done if you took me back to your place…"

A low sound much like a growl rose from his chest, barely audible. This time he wouldn't be denied, taking my face in his hands and pulling my lips to his. His kiss was slow but insistent, and I was left feeling light-headed and breathless when we parted. His eyes were dark, smoldering, and he held my gaze for a long moment before finally lowering his hands. He didn't answer, remaining silent as he stood and offered me his hand.

We walked quietly toward the front door, where we met Jasper helping Alice with her coat. They'd had the same thought and were going back to Alice's apartment to make sure she was ready for her trip. Alice and Edward had decided to stay up with us tomorrow night and leave Forks at around 3:00 in the morning to give them enough time to make it back to Seattle for their flight. They were both taking all their luggage with them, though, so they could go straight to the airport without stopping by their apartments.

Edward's expression had returned to normal as he talked to Alice, exasperated when she reminded him to pack a dress shirt and tie. He'd told me that every Thanksgiving weekend, there was a gathering of some of his father's friends from the hospital that was considered a semi-formal occasion, so they were expected to dress up and play nice.

The smile put on my face by their playful banter faded when I heard a scuffle in the living room accompanied by a grunt and then Quil's laughter. I sighed, catching Jasper's eye.

_Just a few more hours… _his half-grin reminded me. I nodded and wrinkled my nose, making him laugh. His eyes were sympathetic, assuring me that he, too, was ready for the quiet of our apartment again.

Too soon, Edward kissed me goodbye, and the three of them walked out to their cars together. It went against my instincts to leave the door unlocked, but I forced myself, walking determinedly away and trying to keep my shoulders from tensing.

_It just makes sense, right? I mean, the guys will be in and out..._

Logical or not, it grated on me, and I quickly made my way to the office, putting distance between myself and the front door. The very fact that such distance was necessary annoyed me, and I entered the office with a huff, flopping down in my computer chair.

The cool leather and the way it contoured to my body after the many hours I'd spent in it made it familiar and comforting. I sat there for a few minutes, one leg tucked beneath me while the other foot moved idly on the floor, swiveling me back and forth.

Eventually, I sighed, running both my hands through my hair as I turned to the computer. I pressed the power button, listening to the whirr of the CPU and staring at the blank monitor. Bored and feeling mildly depressed, I let my eyes roam, and they came to rest upon the picture of the guys I kept on my desk. I picked it up, running my fingers over the glass as I smiled down at my boys and shook my head.

When I put it back in its place, I frowned. I really wanted a picture of Edward as well. As ludicrous as it was, I already missed being able to look at him, and I made the impulsive decision to take a picture of him before he left for Chicago.

"Hey, Bells…whatcha doin'?" Jake's voice wasn't entirely unexpected if I was being honest with myself. He'd been acting strangely for a few weeks, alternately reticent and overly-friendly when we raided. And since the guys arrived, he'd been tense, especially around me and Edward.

_Here it comes…_

I debated asking Jake straight out what his problem was, but he'd been a great friend for a long time, and I could at least give him a chance to do this his way. I turned in my chair, smiling at him as brightly as I could. "Hey, Jake – what's up?"

He stepped into the office, stuffing his hands into his pockets and leaning back against Jasper's desk. His hair was down, the left side tucked behind his ear while the right framed his face. I'd always known Jake was a good-looking guy, but – just like Jasper – he'd never done anything for me. I looked at him with my new eyes, trying to see if there was anything else there…and there just wasn't.

For some reason, the thought that I still found Edward more attractive than anyone else – even now that I'd started letting those romantic feelings in again – put a small smile on my face. Jake misunderstood and gave me another smile in response, his eyes soft.

I cleared my throat. "So…having fun?"

Jake said he was, and he started talking animatedly about the boys' visit. He jumped from topic to topic, though, switching nearly mid-sentence from Quil's character's near-death experience to the beating he'd just given Jared at football. I listened and tried to keep up, responding as appropriately as I could, but all I could manage was the odd "Ahh…" and a chuckle here and there. The space between us was growing decidedly awkward, and Jake seemed intent on filling it with inane chatter.

By the time he made the improbable leap from the '57 Harley-Davidson XL Sportster he was working on at the shop to how he couldn't wait for _The Player's Handbook 2_ to be published so he could make a druid, I'd had enough. I was frustrated, frowning as I struggled to follow, and it was obvious he was just wasting time, trying to work up the courage to say something. "I mean, can you imagine wildshape with-"

"Jake." I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice, but I'm sure I didn't succeed. "What's really on your mind?"

He frowned, tilting his head back slightly and looking down his nose at me. He was quiet for too long, and the way he was staring down at me from on high made me feel like an ant. Annoyed, I started to stand, but I heard him sigh and settled back in my seat, frowning up at him in return.

"I just don't get it, Bella," he said quietly. "I don't get _you_."

Something in his words and the expression on his face made me wary, and I felt the instinctual need to tread lightly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, probably stupidly. "What don't you get?"

His eyes narrowed, and he took his hands out of his pockets, crossing his arms in front of his chest. For the first time, I was suddenly aware of how big Jake really was. His biceps bulged over his clenched fists, and his broad shoulders seemed to dominate the room. He was…intimidating.

But he was still Jake.

I arched an eyebrow at him and kept my hands on the arms of my chair, refusing to cross my arms defensively. I'd done nothing wrong.

"What don't I get?" His nostrils even flared. No, really. I would've been amused if I hadn't felt the first stirrings of anger in my chest. "I don't know. Maybe I don't get how for years now, we've all tiptoed around you – trying to make sure you were comfortable, trying to help you get better. And nothing ever seemed to change, but now all of a sudden, you find this random guy – some jackass you don't even _know_ – and you just forget everything? So…what? What happened to you just doesn't matter anymore? Your _friends_ just don't matter to you anymore?"

"Now wait-" My voice was cold steel as I tried to interrupt him, but he just bowled right over me, not even pausing. He'd pushed away from the desk and was almost pacing now, just a few steps back and forth as he raged.

"Don't even try to tell me it's not true. You've forgotten about all of us – except Jasper. You don't really raid anymore; you never fucking call. All because you have some new boyfriend? It's bullshit, Bella."

"Jake." I stood, my hands clenched into fists at my side as I glared at him. Again, no response from him. He continued, his words rolling over me in one nearly incomprehensible rant as he got it off his chest – everything that had been bothering him. I began to tune him out, unable to process all the things he was throwing at me, and it was Edward's name that finally brought him back into focus.

"So you've known _Edward_-" The name was a sneer on Jake's lips. "For all of a month? What about those of us who've been close to you for _years_? How can you just suddenly start dating again like that? I've been waiting for a long fucking time, Bella. What changed? What makes _him _so different? When's it my turn?"

My eyes were wide, my mouth open in a small "o" of disbelief and shock. Jake stopped talking, putting his hands back in his pockets as he shifted nervously. Clearly, he'd said more than he intended to, but he wasn't trying to take it back.

_What. The. Fuck?_

_How dare he?_

I exploded. "When's it your _turn_? Are you fucking kidding me? What am I, some goddamn roller coaster? Just get in line, wait your turn, and you get a fucking ride?" I took a step toward him, and he took a small step back, bumping into Jasper's desk again. "You want to know what makes him so different? I don't even _know_! And that's the best part. There's just something there that makes him special – that makes him _Edward_." I spat the name at him, much as he'd sneered it at me. I was aware on some level that the volume of my voice was rising while the pitch was quickly approaching shriek-level, but I wasn't about to moderate it for Jake. Not about this. "But I can tell you what makes him the same. He loves me. He watches out for me. He tries to make me feel comfortable and safe, and you know what? He _does_."

Jake scowled, and when I paused to take a breath to rant some more, his deep voice cut through mine, a quiet, melancholy counterpoint to my bellowing. "How can you even trust him? Look at yourself. You're beautiful, and you're vulnerable…how do you know _he's_ not just waiting long enough for a _ride_? How can you trust him, Bella, but not give me a chance?"

My chest was heaving from the force of my words and my anger, and I stood staring at him in disbelief before my jaw clenched. My fists were actually shaking. "Don't you _dare_ try to make me feel guilty for loving him! Do you have any idea how goddamn miserable I've been for the last _seven years_?" I had so much more that I wanted to say, but I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my chest as if a long-healed wound had been ripped open, and I gasped instead.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Emmett's voice was a welcome reprieve, even though it was hard and lacked the joking tone I'd come to expect. He walked in the room, his face fierce as he stepped in between us.

When I glanced back at Jake, I saw his face had fallen, the harsh mask crumbling as he reached out a hand toward me. My jaw clenched in frustration as tears began to sting my eyes. _Why_ did all my emotions have to be wired to my tear ducts? I scrubbed angrily at my eyes with the backs of my hands and opened my mouth to speak, but a sort of strangled wail came out instead.

_How fucking embarrassing_.

I didn't even know if I was upset. I was just _pissed_ and frustrated and wanted to growl.

Emmett was standing there, looking back and forth between Jake and me, but he seemed at a loss as to what to do. Felix came to his rescue, stepping in the doorway. He took one look at the scene in front of him, studied me carefully, and then said quietly, "Come on, Jake…let's go outside for a minute."

Jake nodded and turned to follow him, his eyes on the floor. He didn't even glance at me as he was leaving, which was probably just as well, since I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or scream – and was likely to do both. My eyes were fixed on Emmett's face, and he gave me a tentative smile.

Something about that – this big, tough guy I barely knew watching out for me and trying to make me smile – just hit me hard. I made it to the couch, sitting down and pulling my legs to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face in them, and my shoulders shook as I cried.

I felt the couch shift when Emmett sat down, and his weight on the cushions made me automatically lean toward him. He awkwardly patted my back with one of his huge hands, which made me feel like laughing for some reason. Of course, the change in my expression shook the tentative hold I had on myself, and a sob escaped instead.

"Shh…" Emmett whispered, his other hand gingerly guiding my head to his shoulder. The feeling of his big hand across my face made me freeze, and I was aware that my hands were in fists, holding onto the fabric of his shirt. My breaths came in quick, shallow pants, and I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking frantically, _This is just Emmett…Edward's friend…just Emmett…Edward trusts him…just Emmett…_

My moment of panic helped engage my mind and calm my tears, and my body was no longer wracked with sobs. I felt an impulse to push away from Emmett, to get some space between his hulking form and myself, but I was able to stay where I was. I can't say that it was comforting, exactly, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant either.

He kept making soothing noises, shushing me even though I was no longer crying, and I wondered if maybe he just didn't know what else to do. His hand alternately patted and rubbed my arm, and his timid, reassuring gestures brought a tiny smile to my lips. My eyes were still brimming with tears, making my vision blurry as I took a deep, steadying breath. He squeezed my shoulders in response.

I heard Felix murmur, "Is she alright?"

Emmett's voice was as close to a whisper as I'd ever heard from him when he answered. "Yeah…I think she's alright. Did you figure out what was going on?"

Felix didn't answer, and I imagined some silent communication passing between the two of them as the hush hanging in the room stretched on. Without a sound, Felix settled onto the couch on my other side, and without even thinking, I shifted way from Emmett, leaning toward Felix.

"Shh, it's alright, sweetpea…" Felix wrapped his arms around me, and just like always, my body molded to his side. I fit right under his arm, a warm, comforting shelter that was so familiar to me. I turned my head, burying my face in the side of his chest, and he began to rock with me gently.

His touch and tranquil reassurance were a balm of serenity, and my anger dissipated nearly at once. I was left, though, with a lingering sense of worry and doubt. I raised my head, and he turned to look at me with a small smile. When I said nothing, he answered the unspoken question in my eyes. "Jake's okay…I promise. I umm…I think he's just going to head back home, though. He needs some space."

I frowned, nodding. I cared about Jake, but he wasn't my primary concern right now. "Did he tell you what he said?" My voice was a hoarse whisper.

Felix frowned in turn as he sighed and then nodded. "I'm sorry, sweetpea," he said softly.

My brow furrowed in confusion as I shook my head. "That's not what I mean. Do…do you think I've been ignoring you?"

He glanced away before his hand started rubbing gently along my upper arm again. He looked back down at me, smiling as he disagreed. "You've got a lot going on…believe me, we understand."

I sat up, pushing away from him as I scrubbed my hand through my hair. "So it's true? I've been ignoring you?" Infuriatingly, my lower lip trembled as I sniffled.

He pursed his lips, his face growing thoughtful as he stared ahead. His hand had stilled on my arm. "Bella…" As always, my name sounded odd on his lips; he so rarely used it. "You're in a new relationship. It's only natural that you're spending a lot of time with him, especially considering…well, everything."

"But do you think I'm just dropping you guys?" The feeling that gripped my chest was unexpected – a mixture of despair and shame and regret. These men had been my friends – and the source of my sanity – for so long, and I didn't think I could stand it if they thought I'd just abandoned them. At the same time, I so loved spending time with Edward…the thought of giving that up was unbearable.

"Sweetpea, no…you just started dating Edward. Every single one of us has disappeared at one time or another because we got involved with a new girl. It's just…" He paused, clearing his throat as he glanced at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, honey, but we just got used to the fact that we didn't have to share you. Jake's having a harder time than the rest of us with that."

_Oh. So this is more Bella's-a-freak shit…_

"Seriously, though, don't worry about it. This is _our_ issue, not yours. You don't see anyone acting weird because of Alice or Emmett and, believe me, Jasper's been just as preoccupied as you. Edward seems like a really cool guy, and he is apparently completely in love with you, so I don't know that there's much more we could ask for, you know?" He ruffled my hair, giving me the grin I loved that made that little dimple in his chin show up. "We're fine with it – hell, we're _more_ than fine with it. You look like a new person, sweetpea. Jake is just…" He grimaced, glancing away as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jealous…" I finished, letting my voice trail off as I studied the carpet.

"Disappointed," Felix corrected, drawing my gaze. He chuckled. "Don't look at me like that, missy. He was hoping he'd get a chance to talk to you this week. I don't think he was expecting Edward to be around so much…so today was his first chance, and well…" He shrugged. "Didn't go as planned."

I sat back on the couch, letting my head rest against the back as I stared at the ceiling. I caught sight of Emmett in my peripheral vision – I'd nearly forgotten he was there. He was looking ahead, just sitting quietly.

I turned my heard toward him to apologize for the scene he'd witnessed, but Felix interrupted before I could speak, his voice soft. "I think he was pretty sure you would choose him, to be honest…I think he thought you must not have realized that he was a possibility because he's been trying to hide how he feels about you for years."

I stared at Felix, dumbfounded. "Well, that's not what came out…at _all_." My brow furrowed as I frowned, not liking the surge of guilt I felt. "I've never thought of Jake like that…ever. He's just…Jake…"

Felix gave me a half-smile as he nodded. "Oh, I know…we all do. But Jake's still holding out hope."

"_Still_?" My eyes were wide, my voice incredulous.

Felix chuckled and said, "You know Jake; he's nothing if not confident."

"You mean delusional," I muttered.

From my other side, Emmett cleared his throat, and both Felix and I turned to look at him. "I know it's none of my business, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not the only one who's disappeared. I don't see Edward nearly as much as I used to. So I just wanted to say thank you." He gave me that impossibly cute grin that showed off his dimples. Felix snorted while Emmett laughed. "Nah, seriously, though. It's just normal. You're adding someone else in your life, and for whatever fucking reason, you like the douchewad a lot…" He pretended to look baffled. "I'm new to this whole relationship thing, but I can tell you that Rosie takes up a _lot_ of time."

Felix's huge hand settled on my shoulder. "He's right, sweetpea. You haven't dropped us. You just have to adjust. We understand. We've all gone through it at some point."

I nodded, staring down at my hands as I idly played with my fingers. _Wait…_ "Hey, where _is_ Rose, anyway?"

Emmett gave me a small smile and said, "Well, she had to go get some stuff packed for the trip, too, and Embry was heading that way, so he gave her a ride."

He was relaxed, sitting back into the corner of the couch with his arm resting along the back, and his nonchalant expression let me know he was in on it. I raised an eyebrow at him, and his grin widened, his eyes becoming mischievous.

_Oh, yeah, he knows._

I'd wondered if Embry and Rose would find a way to slip off for awhile, and it seemed they had…with Emmett's help. He was a pretty cool guy.

The three of us talked for a few minutes more, the conversation moving away from Jake and Edward and relationships and onto…football. What else? When the guys started arguing the significance of stats, I laughed and excused myself. I loved watching the game, but I drew the line at complicated predictions based on math.

I knew I should prepare for the session that afternoon, but I was antsy and distracted now, and I needed to _do_ something. I'd already done all our laundry and made sure both Jasper and I were packed for our trip so, instead, I walked into the kitchen and pulled on my apron. I began gathering ingredients, humming quietly as I set about making some good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies for my boys.

Predictably, Quil soon poked his head through the doorway. "Cookies?"

I laughed, nodding to him, and he walked to the refrigerator and grabbed the butter and eggs. He reached under the counter, pulling out my KitchenAid mixer and plugging it in. He pulled a bowl out of the cabinet, unwrapped two sticks of butter and dropped them in, then put them in the microwave. He leaned back against the counter and grinned at me before he finally spoke again. "Excellent," was all he said.

Baking and joking with Quil helped me feel more like myself as the afternoon wore on. As soon as the first pan of cookies was out of the oven, he was bouncing one from hand to hand. He popped it into his mouth and then opened it wide, inhaling quickly as he mumbled, "Oooh…hot."

"No shit, dumbass." _Every damn time._ I laughed.

One batch was never enough for all of us, so we just kept making them, and it was as we were finishing the third that the front door opened, and I heard the sound I'd been unconsciously listening for all afternoon.

"Hello?" called Edward's melodic voice.

"In here," Quil answered in a high falsetto. I laughed and smacked his arm, calling out my own greeting. The timer on the last batch dinged just then, so I grabbed the pot holders and pulled them out of the oven, placing the pan on the cooling racks.

I heard Edward quietly say, "Bella?" before I felt his arms wrap around my waist. At his touch, I felt my tension begin to drain away, and I leaned back against him with a soft, "Mmm…" He held me tighter, pulling me closer before he let his arms relax. I turned around and ridiculously gave a soft gasp when I saw that he was wearing his glasses.

_And he looks fucking _great_…_

_Completely edible._

I blushed, and he said, "What?" with that damnable crooked grin of his. I couldn't help myself. I…attacked. My arms were wrapped tightly around his shoulders, and my lips found his so quickly that he froze at first.

I heard him breathe, "God damn," as he finally responded, his hands on my hips pulling me closer as he kissed me hard. Everything about him just felt so…right. His hands slipped around to my back, his palms pressed dangerously low as my own hands moved to grip his shoulders. Too soon, he pulled away, grinning at me mischievously before he glanced to the left and said, "Hey, Quil."

My cheeks flamed as I followed his gaze to find Quil leaning back against the counter with a cookie in hand. He was watching us with an amused smile like we were some goddamn live show. "No, go ahead." He waved the cookie, motioning for us to continue. "I don't have a girlfriend right now, so this is the closest I get."

He smirked at me, but I was saved from answering – or burying my face in Edward's chest to hide – when Jared stepped in. "Hey, B?"

_Thank God._

I turned around, giving him a grateful smile. His answering smile was fleeting, though, as he said, "Sorry…I'm going to have to bow out of the next session. Kim said there's some sort of floral emergency or something…"

"You're leaving?" I frowned as I took in the expression on his face. I had never seen him so stressed – there were creases on his forehead, and his lips were pressed into a thin line before he gave a small smile in response to my concern.

"No, I'll be here. I just don't know how long this will take, and I might be on the phone a lot. Apparently, there's a problem with one of the bridesmaids, too – she may not be able to make it." He raked his fingers through his hair and muttered when his phone rang again. He was already walking, and we heard his "Hello?" just before the front door opened and closed.

"Well…if J's out, and obviously Jake is too…maybe we should just hang out this afternoon?" Quil suggested.

I bit my bottom lip as I thought it over. I had to admit to myself that it would be a fucking relief to just relax for the rest of the day before we left, so I turned to nod at him. "You don't think the guys will mind?"

His grin was easy. "Nah, Felix has been eyeing _Rock Band_. Gives us more of a chance to do stuff with him." He shrugged.

"Jake's not playing?" Edward's question was a quiet murmur spoken near my ear.

Quil pushed away from the counter, picking up a plate piled with cookies. "I'll just go take these to the guys and let 'em know what's going on…"

"Thanks," I muttered, looking down at the floor as my fingers idly played with the buttons on Edward's shirt. I finally took in what he was wearing – a thin white t-shirt with dark blue jeans, topped by a blue plaid shirt he'd left open with the sleeves rolled up. I lifted my eyes, taking in his smooth jaw - mildly disappointed that he'd shaved – and those beautiful lips I loved to kiss until I saw him peering at me curiously through those glasses of his again.

_Fucking hell._

I meant to just think it; I swear I did. Of course, that's not what happened, and his grin was impish as he said, "What was that?"

I sighed, resigned. "Umm…I said 'fucking hell'…" I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him, letting my hands glide up his chest. I played gently with the hair on the back of his head as I continued. "You look…" _Seductive. Kissable. Tantalizing. _"…great. I really love your glasses," I finished lamely.

His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Really? I always feel…awkward, I guess…in them, but I had a killer headache that I couldn't get rid of, so I thought I'd try this."

I laughed softly, pressing up on my toes as I kissed him gently. I whispered against his lips, "Trust me…you look anything but awkward. I have to admit that I was disappointed when I didn't see them again after the umm…slumber party…"

I dropped back down, and Edward's hand rose, his thumb tracing along my bottom lip as he again said, "Really?" I nodded. He smiled softly and leaned down, whispering in my ear, "If I'd known that, I might never have taken them off. You might be stuck with these for a long time now." He took my earlobe between his lips, teasing it with the tip of his tongue as he nibbled on it gently. When he let go and stood up straight again, I could feel that strange chill created by wet flesh meeting the cool air.

I shivered, smiling at him contentedly. "I don't think you'll hear me complaining."

We stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes, enjoying the solace of being together and expressing ourselves in soft caresses and heated kisses. Much too soon for my liking, Edward pulled away, taking a few steps back to lean against the counter. I moved with him, stepping between his legs and resting my hands on his hips.

"So…" he began. "Jake?"

With that one simple word, my frustrations and worries from earlier came flooding back to me, but they were muted, as if Edward's presence made the whole situation more tolerable. "Jake…" I wrinkled my nose and bit my bottom lip with a sigh. "Well, after you left, he came into the office…" I filled Edward in on everything that had happened, not allowing myself to either censor or embellish. It was difficult at times, as I had a natural tendency to want to both lessen the guilt I felt and still somehow make Jake seem like less of an ass than he had actually been. I didn't know why, exactly, other than that I knew Edward was already on edge about him, and I hoped that – eventually – they might become friends.

"And then he asked…" I swallowed against the sudden lump in my throat. "He asked when it was going to be his 'turn'…"

"He did what?" Edward had been listening quietly, nodding and sometimes asking questions for clarification. He'd remained calm throughout the whole thing, other than a slight tightening around his eyes when I mentioned the things Jake said about him and how I'd abandoned my friends. But now his voice was cold, and I could feel the way his arms tensed. He had been idly rubbing my arms, but now his hands gripped my elbows.

I shifted my arms uncomfortably, annoyed by the fluttering of fear I felt when his fingertips dug into my flesh. At once, he dropped his hands, and I saw a flicker of pain flash through his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Moving my hands to his face, I caressed his cheeks and pulled gently, encouraging him to bend toward me. I placed a soft kiss on his lips, trying to reassure him. When we parted again, his eyes were still stormy, but he seemed more at ease.

"So yeah…he asked when his turn was, and I got pissed…" I told Edward about everything that had happened between Jake and me. He listened quietly, nodding once or twice, and I saw several emotions pass across his face at different times.

"And then Emmett came in and asked what the hell was going on, and Felix took Jake outside, and that was really it." My voice trailed off as I studied Edward, noticing his jaw was clenched, and his eyes were smoldering as he stared off into the kitchen. I thought back over all the things I'd said, and with a sinking heart, I realized that when I told him about all the nasty things Jake implied about him, I didn't mention what I said in response. "Hey…" I was relieved when his eyes swung immediately to meet mine. "Don't worry…I told Jake you're not like that."

He flashed me a quick smile and murmured quietly, "Thanks, love." He kissed me softly and pulled me closer. "I really do appreciate that. But I don't particularly care what he thinks of me."

His flippant dismissal of Jake seemed genuine, so I didn't quite understand the look in his eyes. "Then what is it?"

Edward watched me for a moment, studying my face, before he finally said, "I'm pissed the fuck off at the way he apparently looks at _you_. You are not some goddamn piece of meat, and I really wish he was here right now so I could make that clear to him." His hands formed fists at his sides, his forearms flexing to leave little doubt as to how he would prove his point.

I wondered just what, exactly, was wrong with me that part of me found the idea of Edward and Jake fighting appealing. Still… "It's alright, seriously. I know Jake doesn't actually think of me that way. He just…he's just stupid sometimes." My brow furrowed as I tried to think of a better way to say what I meant. Luckily, though, Edward chuckled and slipped his arms around my waist, hugging me close.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear. We spent the next few minutes just holding each other, letting all the anxiety just fade away. My head was resting on Edward's chest, and I could feel myself drifting toward sleep.

And then the horde descended. Alex was the first, coming to refill the empty plate with cookies. He was followed by Quil and then Felix, and before long, it seemed like everyone was in the kitchen, milling around and talking over each other. Eventually we all made our way into the living room, and those who were missing returned.

All except Jake.

His absence was easy to overlook for most of the afternoon, but every once in awhile, something would happen that would make it obvious. It was just stupid little things – Embry making an inside joke that he usually shared with Jake, or even me looking for him to sing "Hungry Like the Wolf" on _Rock Band 2_. He had a god awful singing voice, but that never stopped him.

Of course, the small hole left by Jake's absence was completely overshadowed by Jasper's reaction to what had taken place while he was gone. As soon as he and Alice had returned, he'd picked up on the tension Edward was exuding. I caught a glance between the two of them, and Edward nodded minutely. A few minutes later, when Jasper disappeared into the kitchen, Edward just happened to go for a drink.

I rolled my eyes.

_Boys._

I was happy, though, that the two of them were actually becoming friends, so I stayed where I was, shifting nervously on the couch as I chewed on my bottom lip and tried to watch Alice and the boys play their game. The voices in the kitchen became heated for a moment, and I sighed, glancing down at my nails.

When they finally emerged, Jasper was clearly fuming. He apparently was of the same opinion as Edward, and he flashed me a brief look of both compassion and frustration. He didn't say anything, though, and Edward came to take his place beside me in equal silence. He put his arm around my shoulders and settled in, making no further mention of it.

Since I didn't have to run the game, the afternoon raced by, and we were soon saying goodbye to the guys. Everyone was talking at once, and it was loud and chaotic. When they all got into their cars and pulled away, the sudden silence left me feeling a little empty. It was that same strange paradox I always felt – couldn't wait for them to leave, missed them when they were gone.

We went back into the apartment, making a meal of the leftovers from the last few days. There was a strange mixture of Chinese, Thai, pizza, and sandwiches spread across the gaming table. We all shared, and it made me smile to see the way Alice, Edward, and Emmett had become such an integral part of us so easily. Emmett reached across the table, spearing a piece of sesame chicken on my plate, and with a speed I didn't know I had, I stuck my own fork in it as well. He grinned at me and pulled, creating a sort of tug of war that ended when the chicken split in half. He popped his part in his mouth with a smirk while Rosalie hit him on the arm and told him to grow some manners before he met her parents. I was pleasantly surprised to see she was holding back a laugh, though.

I felt gross from baking most of the afternoon, so when everyone started clearing the table, I loaded my dishes in the dishwasher and told Edward I was going to take a quick shower. He nodded and asked where my bag was so they could pack the cars, and we'd be ready to leave when I was finished.

I grabbed a change of clothes and went into my bathroom, twisting my hair into a bun on top of my head. The warm, massaging spray of water was a welcome relief to my aching shoulders – I hadn't realized I was quite so tense. I caught the faint hint of cedar and realized that Edward had used his own soap earlier.

The thought that Edward was the last person in my shower brought a blush to my cheeks, particularly when I remembered what he had admitted he sometimes did in the shower. I bit my bottom lip, looking around as if there would be some way I could _tell_ whether or not he had earlier. There wasn't, of course, and I realized that in all likelihood, he hadn't. At least, I knew I would feel pretty self-conscious after just telling my girlfriend I masturbated in the shower.

_But he _did_ tell you…so maybe it doesn't bother him?_

_Yeah, but did you see his face? That was hard for him to admit._

_True, but…_

The ridiculous argument continued in my head as I washed. I'd reached no conclusion, other than that I really hoped he didn't regret telling me now. And I realized that, if I should ever decide to try it myself…I probably had to tell him.

I wrinkled my nose at my logic, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel from the cabinet. I dried quickly and got dressed, yanking down my hair and brushing it as I stared at the blush on my cheeks.

_And I haven't even _done_ anything yet!_

I could definitely see why Edward had been so embarrassed to tell me. It just made me that much more determined to be honest with him.

When I stepped out of my room, I found that everyone was ready and just waiting on me. They were all already in the parking lot, so I turned off the last of the lamps, took a final glance around the apartment and then closed and locked the door, including the deadbolt. I stuck my keys in my pocket and started walking toward Edward's Volvo, but Rosalie caught my elbow and steered me to her car.

"Oh no, you don't. I called you."

"You called me?" I asked, perplexed.

"Yup. You, me, and Alice. We have a date for some girl talk." When we got close to her car, she smiled at Alice, who was wearing an impish grin and standing with the front passenger door open. I glanced over my shoulder and caught Edward looking at me as well. He shrugged at me, giving me his crooked grin as he waved, and then slipped behind the wheel of his car. I watched Jasper and Emmett get in as well and then tripped over my own feet, catching myself against Rose's car.

"That's why you should watch where you're going," Rose said simply. "Get in."

Rolling my eyes, I muttered under my breath and climbed into the backseat. Rosalie cranked the car as I was about to speak, and my voice was cut off in the blare of Warrant from the stereo, "-pie, cool drink of water-" She quickly turned down the volume as she backed out of the parking space and pulled up, waiting for Edward to take the lead.

_Only Rosalie_.

"So what are we talking about?" I tried again.

"The boys," Alice answered promptly.

"Wait…" I frowned. "So we're riding together to talk about the boys, when we could be riding _with_ them instead?"

I saw Rosalie roll her eyes in the rearview mirror as she sighed. She caught my eye and said, "We have a lot to teach you. Welcome to the club, Bella."

"Club? What club?" I wondered aloud. We pulled out of the parking lot to the sound of their laughter.

We followed behind Edward, who drove much more quickly than I remembered, as the girls filled me in on this so-called club. I could tell they were joking, so the "rules" about nail polish and highlights just made me laugh rather than sending me into panic mode.

After a few minutes, Rosalie said, "No, seriously…we've all been so caught up in the guys that we haven't had much of a chance to see how things are going for all of us." She again caught my eye and whispered, "I miss you, Dizzy Izzy."

At the mention of her silly childhood nickname for me, I grinned and felt a swelling in my chest. She was the only one who had ever called me that because Jasper – whom Rose had called Spazzy Jazzy – and I had hated the names and agreed to never use them, and she had been kind enough not to mention them in front of anyone else…then, anyway. Of course, it didn't bother me at all that she used it with Alice now, and I found I had even missed it. I reached up and squeezed her shoulder, and she patted my hand in response.

She flashed me a smile in the rearview mirror and was all business once again as she said, "So…I've been thinking about this. We have a serious problem. How the _hell_ are we going to talk about the guys? I mean, I'm probably safe to talk about Emmett, but I sure as fuck don't want to know Jasper's been anywhere _near_ a bed, let alone how he is in it." I shuddered.

We sat in silence for a minute before Alice's soft voice said, "Eww. _Edward_."

"Hey!" I reached up, smacking Alice's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with Edward!"

Rosalie and Alice dissolved into giggles, and I had to join them. When we'd calmed down, Alice said, "I know…and believe me, I'm really glad that you two are together. But the thought of my _brother_ even _wanting_ to do anything just…squicks me out."

My mouth had been open to speak, but Alice's words brought me up short, and I closed it, blushing furiously.

She continued, her voice quieter and more sincere, "Seriously, I hated to see Edward all alone for so long, and I couldn't be happier that he found someone – especially since it's you – but it was kind of nice living in the Edward-isn't-interested bubble."

I bit my tongue, remembering Edward's past and struggling with the feelings of inadequacy it always conjured. _Alice doesn't know_, I reminded myself. I shoved it all to the side, forcing a smile as I looked up again. Rosalie arched an eyebrow at me, but thankfully didn't push it.

Instead, she said, "Alright, so here's the deal then. No names. No specifics. And no one is anyone's brother or roommate or, hell, even _friend_ while we're in this car. Got it?"

Alice and I glanced at each other, and I shrugged. She grinned in response, and we both joined in with Rose, setting up ground rules and boundaries. Alice decided we needed a safe word – a word that meant that the person speaking had to stop _right then_, no questions asked.

I caught the smirk on Rosalie's lips as she looked me right in the eye and said, "Optimus."

I smirked right back. "No way. I was thinking Hello Kitty."

Rose laughed, and eventually we settled on "smurf" instead, sticking with the cartoon theme. Once we'd all agreed on the rules of our exchange, I was a little overwhelmed. "Is it always this complicated?" I asked.

The other two chuckled and assured me that it never was…but then, they'd never been in a situation quite like this one. "Okay," Alice said. "First kiss." She wrinkled her nose, grinning as she avoided names.

I rolled my eyes. "The whole _world_ saw ours. So let's hear about Rose and Em…err…him."

Rosalie smiled, and it was the sweetest expression I'd seen on her face since she was a little girl. She told us about how she and her boyfriend – the not using names was actually kind of fun, and we kept giggling stupidly whenever someone nearly slipped up – went for a walk and ended up at this little coffee shop. He suggested they take their coffee outside, and they walked a little further before they found a beautiful view of Elliot Bay. They stood there talking, wrapped up and huddled together against the wind coming off the bay.

"He took my coffee from me and put both cups on the railing in front of us, and then he took my hands. He asked if it would be alright to kiss me…" Rosalie bit her bottom lip and smiled, a light pink gracing her cheeks. "No one had ever asked me that before."

"What did you say?" Alice's voice sounded breathless, making me realize she was just as absorbed in Rosalie's story as I was.

_When did I become such a sap?_

"I said yes, of course!" Rosalie grinned mischievously. "And it was amazing…and then afterward, I told him it was about fucking time."

"Rosalie Lillian Hale!" She shrugged at my outburst, and we all laughed together. We kept talking, learning about Alice and Jasper's first kiss before moving on to our first dates.

Although it was awkward at first for me to talk about Edward, I found that as we continued, I liked it more and more. It made the whole thing more…real, in some ways. It felt good to watch Alice and Rosalie smile and hear them _aww_ about some of the sweeter things he had done.

Alice chimed in about how Edward had always been a charmer. She claimed he could get away with anything with their mother because he knew just how to smile at her and when to bring her flowers. She grudgingly added, "Of course, it didn't help that he was always _sincere_." She made a face.

Rosalie decided then that we were skirting too close to mentioning the guys by name, and she steered us away again, asking about the stupidest thing the guys had done. We stayed on silly topics for the longest time before Alice said, "Okay. Best kiss?"

Immediately, my mind went back to the night before. I could nearly feel Edward lying beneath me, and the ghosts of his hands gently squeezing my breasts made my breath quicken. The heat on my cheeks was nearly unbearable, and Rosalie, naturally, caught it.

She arched an eyebrow at me in the rearview mirror and said, "Well, well…I think Bella may want to go first…"

I cleared my throat, suddenly nervous. I'd actually really enjoyed the whole conversation so far, but this felt so…personal. I debated, trying to decide what I could say that would be in keeping with the spirit of the "club" but wouldn't violate Edward's privacy. "Well…" I began. "Umm…it was last night, when we went to bed. We were kissing, and Ed…_he_…was lying on his back, and I-"

I was cut off by the sound of Alice's voice shrieking, "Smurf! Smurf! Oh dear _god_, smurf!"

My eyes were wide, the whole car in stunned silence before Rosalie suddenly burst out laughing. Relief flooded through me as I joined in, and soon Alice was laughing as well.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she said, "but just…Edward…and…no. Just no." She shuddered, making me snicker at her. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

I completely agreed, and even Rose conceded that we were moving into dangerous territory. The two of them began talking about shopping instead, with Rosalie mentioning sales she was looking forward to on Black Friday while Alice moaned about missing it this year. I settled back in my seat, letting their voices wash over me as I looked out the window. The sun had set as we talked, and I watched the black forms looming at the edge of the highway as they seemed to speed by.

I must've dozed off because I was suddenly startled into alertness when Rosalie said, "Hell, yes," and cranked the volume on her stereo as Vince Neil's voice sang, "Rat-tailed Jimmy is a second hand hood, deals out in Hollywood."

I blinked when Alice began singing along, dancing in her seat, and then laughed out loud, joining her. I don't know why, but I hadn't expected her to know '80s hair bands. Rosalie, however, was just short of obsessed, and I knew she had more than enough to keep us occupied all the way to Forks.

We spent the rest of the drive laughing and singing together, dancing and tossing our hair. I can only imagine what we must've looked like, but I didn't fucking care. It was some of the most carefree _fun_ I'd had in years that didn't involve Jasper. We worked our way through Bon Jovi and Def Leppard, sang a few songs from Cinderella and even the Scorpions, and were singing along with Poison when we pulled into the Hales' driveway.

The guys parked and got out, but none of us made a move to leave. Rosalie put the car in park and turned around to Alice and me, playing air guitar. We were singing at the top of our lungs, "'Cause, baby, we'll be at the drive-in in the old man's Ford, behind the bushes…"

We finished the song, and my ears rang when Rose turned the key and shut the car off. We were giggling as we staggered out, feeling somehow silly drunk. I glanced over and caught sight of Edward's car. All three of the guys were leaning against it with their arms crossed, amused expressions on their faces.

Edward was the first to push away and walk toward us, just as the porch light flipped on and the front door opened. I watched as Mama and Papa Hale stepped out on the porch, and a sense of peace washed over me as I thought only one word.

_Home_.

----------

_**A/N:**__ Look! Less than a month for an update. I know, I know…I'm shocked too ;) Seriously, thank you so much for sticking with me and reviewing and being just generally amazing._

_The chapter title is from a Motley Crue song. The songs Bella and the girls hear in the car are "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue, and "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison._

_A few things I'm crazy excited about:_

_**Support Stacie Author Auction**__ – I've signed up in the September author auction to help support fellow fanfiction author Stacie in her battle against cancer. The auction will be running from Friday, September 11 – Monday, September 14. I'm up twice, in a 5,000 minimum story alone and in a coauthor offering with __**magan bagan**__. I am honored to be taking part in this, and I hope some of you may stop by and bid on me – it's for a fantastic cause! Link to the auction is on my profile :)_

_**For the Love of Jasper**__ – This one-shot contest is running until September 27 and is seeking the best Jaspers in the ficdom! You can use an existing Jasper if you'd like, so long as the story itself can stand alone as a one-shot. I am honored to be a guest judge for this event along with __**AngstGoddess003**__, __**Legna989**__, and __**MsKathy**__. The fantastic __**ElleCC**__ and __**LaViePastiche**__ are hosting – check out the link on my profile!_

_**Les Femmes Noires**__ – Another one-shot contest, this one seeks to explore the darker side of the female characters of Twilight. Evil, bloodthirsty Esme? Send her along. Plotting, manipulative Jessica? We want her too! Entries can be submitted until November 15, so begin your scheming today. I am thrilled to be one of the many judges for this competition hosted by __**Maleficentknights**__ and __**Dihenydd**__ as well!_

_Finally, I've been asked to write a guest recommendation for __**The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster**__ blog, and in doing my research, I came across a story I just can't get enough of. I will be recommending "__**Sleepers, Awake**__" (which has a complicated German name as well, but SC and German don't mix well) by __**Feisty Y. Beden**__. The plot is unique and makes me ache for the characters. Her writing is amazing and completely blows me away. Please check it out and leave her some love if you get the chance. Also, the recommendation will be posted on Sunday, September 13, so stop by the blog (links to both S,A and the blog are on my profile) and leave __**me**__ some love, too! :)_


	26. Please Please Please

_**A/N:**__ So I know I said the next chapter would be Thanksgiving, and that was my intention, but Edward just __**insisted**__ that I let him tell this part. It's a good bit shorter than my normal chapters, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway ;) _

_Also, I wanted to remind you about the __**Support Stacie Author Auction**__ going on right now. It is to help a fellow fanfiction author who was diagnosed with cancer - her situation is incredibly scary and could happen to any of us so easily. This is a fantastic cause, and I am proud to be a part of it this time. The auctions end tomorrow evening, Monday, September 14, so please stop by and bid to have one of your favorite authors write a story just for you – or donate if you'd rather not bid :) Links to my individual auction and my joint auction with __**magan bagan**__ are up on my profile. Please think about helping out with this worthy cause!_

_And now, on to the bonus chapter, courtesy of Edward._

----------

**EPOV**

I carefully placed Bella's suitcase in the trunk of my car, moving it down beside mine so they wouldn't be jostled during our trip. I reached up to close the trunk when Emmett suddenly shouldered me out of the way, unceremoniously dropped his backpack on top, and slammed the lid.

"You ready to go, fucker?" He grinned at me.

"What the hell are you doing? Why don't you just put that in Rosalie's car?"

"Because," he said, as if that answered everything. When I just stared at him in confusion, he winked at me and stepped closer, running his fingers up my arm. "We have a hot date with Jasper."

I took a step back, laughing as I punched him in the shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

He shrugged. "Rosalie's idea. She decided the girls were all riding together, so that leaves you, me, Jasper, and a hot date in your sexy Volvo." He snickered.

I rolled my eyes and then glanced across the lot at Rosalie. She was slamming the trunk of her car and didn't see me frowning at her. "But why? We don't have a lot of time left before Alice and I have to go to Chicago…" I heard the whine in my voice, and this time the eye roll was mental as even _I _recognized how ridiculous I was being.

Emmett snorted at me and shrugged. "Fuck if I know. You're welcome to go fight it out with Rosie if you want." The gleam in his eyes was not reassuring.

Jasper ambled up then, a smirk on his face as he caught the tail-end of the conversation. "Yeah, I wouldn't try it."

"Why not?" Something about the way the two of them were talking had my back up, and I realized I was standing straighter in a stupid attempt to show I wasn't afraid of Rosalie. I relaxed, my shoulders lowering slightly.

"Because Rosalie always gets her fucking way," Jasper said nonchalantly. "She's been bossing me around since we were in the womb. She's a pain in the ass to deal with, so I only bother when it's something that matters."

The front door opened, and Bella emerged. She was freshly showered, her cheeks a light pink as she stepped out into the sunlight. She locked the door, pocketed her key, and immediately turned toward my car, but before she could walk over to me, Rosalie grabbed her by the elbow and started dragging her away. The look of disappointment and annoyance on her face was enough to make me smile.

When she stumbled over her own feet, I muttered to myself, but Rosalie clearly knew Bella well and just helped guide her to the car. She turned around, pouting at me from across the lot, and I grinned at her as I waved before opening my door and getting in.

_Bella fucking _loves_ me._

Still made no sense, but everything she did made it so obvious.

I was smiling and humming to myself as I sat behind the wheel, waiting for the other two to get in the car. The doors opened, and Jasper sat beside me in the passenger seat while Emmett was in the back. It didn't take two seconds, though, before Emmett was complaining like the whiny bitch he is that he didn't have enough room. He and Jasper argued for a minute about who was taller before Emmett said it didn't matter because he was bigger.

I just tried to tune them out. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel, waiting for the two of them to switch places and get settled in.

_This is going to be a long fucking drive._

_And Emmett and Rosalie are going to have a hell of a time together. Neither one of them can stand to not get their way._

The last thought brought a smirk to my lips, and I lifted my head as I finally heard both doors close. Their seat belts were clicking into place when I checked my mirrors and saw that Rosalie was waiting behind me. I backed out and set off down the street, fiddling with the stereo to find something – anything – good and not really paying any attention to the conversation around me.

I gave up, plugging in my iPod and putting it on shuffle just as I heard Emmett muse, "I wonder why Rosie wanted to ride with the girls."

Jasper snorted. I glanced at him in the rear-view mirror, and he said, "Jesus, you two really are new at this, aren't you?" He shrugged. "Girls just do that shit. They have to bond." He made a face and chuckled as he relaxed against the seat back.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett frown, his brow furrowing in concentration. "What the hell are they talking about then?"

"Us." Jasper and I both answered at the same time, and I smiled as I glanced back at the car in my rear-view mirror. Bella was sitting in the backseat, leaning forward, and I could see her head between the two front seats. I couldn't see her expression because of the glint of sunlight off the windshield, but she seemed to be talking animatedly, using her hands.

It was quiet in the car again until Emmett demanded, "Well, what the hell are they _saying_?"

Jasper chuckled. "Dude, I don't know. I don't think Rose really thought about that part. If Alice says anything about umm…well, _things_ with me, Bella and Rose will both freak out."

I frowned, and my voice was quiet when I spoke. "There better not be much to tell."

He gave me a knowing grin in the mirror, and I shook my head with a rueful smile.

_Bet he thinks that shit about me and Bella, too._

Emmett decided, "I bet they're talking about me."

I laughed. "What makes you think that?"

"Well," he began, "I'm not anyone's brother. So I'm the safest subject." The shit-eating grin on his face told me he was more than happy with this revelation.

"You say _one_ word about my sister…" Jasper let his voice trail off, leaving the threat hanging in the air.

Silence descended on the car again, the only sounds those of the Doors playing quietly from my stereo. Yet again, Emmett was the one to break it. "I bet she's telling them about-"

Jasper held up one finger. "One goddamn word."

Emmett continued smoothly, "…about what a gentleman I am."

I snorted and then laughed outright before Emmett reached over and smacked the back of my head, making me pitch forward as he said, "Hey, fuck you! I am!"

When I just kept laughing, shaking my head, he said, "I can't help it if the woman _I've_ been looking for came along a lot sooner than yours. You're just jealous." His voice was both petulant and taunting.

Thinking about Bella, though – the woman _I_ had spent so long searching for – just brought a content smile to my lips as I answered. "Nah…I'm just glad I finally _did_ meet her…"

_You know you sound completely whipped, right?_

_Yup. And I don't fucking care._

I heard a mental sigh.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper's voice from the backseat was quiet and confused.

I glanced into the mirror, catching his eye as I said, "It's ahh…it's been awhile since I…dated anyone."

Emmett said, "Awhile," and snorted, shaking his head. "More like you've been living like a damn monk for the past two years."

I chuckled, shrugging and thinking to myself, _Except I don't think a monk's religion is supposed to include self-worship several times a day._

"Except I don't think monks jack off so much that their dicks are calloused." Emmett's words were an eerie echo of my thoughts that made my eyes widen.

"For fuck's sake, Emmett!" My voice was louder than I anticipated. "You have no filter at all. And how the fuck would you know anything about that anyway?"

"I watched a Discovery channel special on monks," he said matter-of-factly. "Not once did they mention any sort of religious ceremony involving masturbation."

Jasper burst out laughing as I said, "You know that's not what I meant, dickhead." There was no sense in trying to talk to Emmett when he was in this sort of mood – and honestly, there was no use denying it anyway. Too goddamn true. Except… "And my fucking dick's not calloused, asswipe." I punched him on the shoulder as hard as I could, right on the join of the bones, and he crumpled, rubbing his shoulder with his hand as he cursed at me.

When I looked at Jasper in the mirror, he had tears at the corners of his eyes, and his face was red. He was wearing a wide grin that he was trying to control, but he kept snickering, and I caught the word "calloused" a few times. I just gave a laugh of my own and shook my head.

_Fucking Emmett._

He loved the reaction his comment got from Jasper, so he just kept going, having fun at my expense for awhile longer. I stopped responding, knowing that was the best way to shut him down, and just lost myself in the music as I turned the rest of my attention to the road.

After awhile, Jasper's amused voice cut through my thoughts. "You and Bella must have quite the fucking concert when you're together."

"Hmm?" I asked, my brow furrowing as I glanced at him in the mirror.

He smirked in response. "You both just sing all the damn time…do you harmonize?" He grinned at me, raising an eyebrow.

_Huh_. I hadn't even realized I had been singing. "Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, I guess we do sing together a lot. I hadn't really noticed…but no, we haven't started harmonizing." I smirked. "Yet."

Emmett interrupted, asking, "What the hell _is_ this whiny bullshit anyway?"

I listened for a minute, catching Morrissey's voice as he sang, "Good times for a change…see, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad…"

And then what Emmett said struck me.

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?" I was incredulous. "You don't know the Smiths?"

He just stared at me blankly.

Jasper's voice was disbelieving when he said, "You've never heard of the Smiths?" Emmett shook his head. "You've never heard _this_ song?"

Emmett said, "Nope."

Jasper's eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head, and he leaned forward, pulling himself up by Emmett's seat as he launched into a heated lecture about the Smiths and their influence. Emmett looked mildly amused, and he kept glancing at me. I just smiled, keeping my eyes on the road.

_At least Jasper has good taste in music._

The car grew too quiet, and when I looked over, Emmett had headphones on. The wrinkles in his forehead were deep as he frowned in concentration, listening carefully. "What's he listening to?" I asked.

Jasper smirked. "The Cranberries."

Then Emmett's expression changed, and he said loudly, "I know this one!" He pulled one of the ear pieces away and sang in a trembling, breathless voice that sounded nearly like a sob, "You're so fucking special. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo." He snickered and tossed the iPod and headphones back to Jasper. "This must be your 'I got sand in my vagina' playlist. How the hell do you guys listen to that shit?"

Jasper just rolled his eyes with a sigh, muttering, "God, you sound just like Rosie."

Emmett's eyes lit up as he grinned. I caught Jasper's eye in the rear-view mirror and shook my head minutely, _Don't get him started._ Jasper inclined his head with a grin and settled back in his seat as I said, "Here, Em." I flipped through my iPod until the song I was looking for played.

"Hell. Fuck. Yes," said Emmett. As soon as B-Real's voice came over the speakers, Emmett was 'singing' at the top of his lungs, "Comin' outta tha slums; it's da hoodlums. I'm pullin' my gat out on all you bums." He was dancing – if you could call it that – imitating Sen Dog with his arm flailing while Jasper watched in amusement.

"Shit…between Rose's obsession with goddamn '80s hair bands and his umm…skills…they ought to make an interesting pair."

I chuckled and nodded, singing along with Emmett under my breath. "This is part of the playlist I run to." I shrugged. "I love this shit, too."

From there, Jasper and I talked about music – he seemed to have a wide variety of favorites as well – while Emmett serenaded us as only he could. Eventually, he wore himself out and turned the music down, looking at us both with a serious expression. I had an amused smile on my face when I took in the fact that Emmett had been singing and dancing with so much enthusiasm that he'd actually worked up a sweat.

That smile faded as soon as he said, "So. Jake."

Those two words were all it took to completely shift the mood in the car. No one said anything for a minute before finally Jasper sighed. "I can't believe he fucking said that."

"Which part?" Em asked.

We both looked over at him, and I asked if Bella had filled him in on what happened. He shook his head and said, "She didn't have to, dude. They were goddamn yelling at each other. It was insane. The first thing I heard was-"

"Wait," Jasper interrupted. "He was _yelling_ at her?" Incredibly, I heard that possessive edge back in his voice, and I frowned at him in the mirror. His attention was focused on Emmett, though, and he didn't notice.

"Yeah, man. I didn't know what it was at first, but they just kept getting louder, and then I heard him ask her if any of it was real, or if it was just an excuse to keep guys away, and-"

This time, I interrupted him. "He. Said. _What?_" My jaw was clenched, so the words came out as a hiss.

Jasper's voice tumbled over mine, "Are you fucking serious?" His eyes were wide with disbelief, his tone angry.

"Yes. Fuckers. Obviously Bella must've left some stuff out. Now do you want to hear this shit or not?"

We both said we did and settled back, listening as Emmett described in detail what he'd heard. At first, I was frustrated, realizing how much Bella had skipped over when we talked. But when Emmett described how Bella had tried to interrupt Jake and how he kept just talking right over her, my rage for Jake took over, and my knuckles were soon white as I gripped the steering wheel.

"And then she told him he better not try to make her feel guilty because she's been miserable for seven years, and she sounded like she was breaking down, so that's when I went in." With barely a pause, Emmett finished recounting what took place between Bella and Jake and then said, "So where does this asshole live? It's near Forks, right?"

"Yeah, about half an hour or so…" Jasper seemed distracted, frowning as he stared ahead.

"Alright," Emmett said, "so let's go _talk_ to him after the girls go to sleep tonight." There was no hesitation in his voice, and I was nodding along, my rage burning a hole in my chest.

_How _dare _that asshole imply she made it up?_

I'd known Bella for only a few weeks…and he'd known her nearly her whole life. If I could see the truth of how the attack affected her, surely he had to.

_And why the _fuck _did Bella keep that from me?_

Had she been afraid I'd find him and kick his ass?

_Goddamn right I will._

Bile rose in my throat as I thought about her protecting _him_ when he'd been so cold to her. I was vaguely aware of Jasper ranting over the buzzing in my ears, and I could see Emmett nodding his agreement from the corner of my eye. I swallowed and cleared my throat, and the sounds around me became a little clearer. I listened to the heated voices and the stereo singing, "Didn't have to blast him but I did anyway. That young punk had to pay."

"Just tell me where he lives. We'll take care of this right fucking now." I spoke before I realized it, my voice low and menacing even to my ears as I apparently took the song as a sign.

"Hell yes," agreed Emmett.

I expected immediate agreement from Jasper as well, but when I was met with silence, I glanced at him in the rear-view mirror and saw his lips pursed thoughtfully. "You know…" he began. "There's something really fucking wrong with this situation. I'm the _last_ one that should have to say this, but we can't just go beat the hell out of him."

My eyes flew open wide. "What the fuck do you mean _you're_ the last one?" I'd passed the point of reason, and Jasper's implication that somehow he cared more about Bella just made me snap.

"What do I mean?" Jasper yelled right back at me. His face was red, and he opened his mouth to continue his tirade when he was interrupted.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Emmett scrubbed both hands across his face. "Give it a rest, will you? Tell you what. Both of you, just go ahead and unzip your pants."

Strangely, my anger began to dissipate as I exchanged a confused look in the mirror with Jasper, whose mouth snapped shut as his brow furrowed. "What the hell…?" he asked.

"Well, I thought you two already settled all this who-loves-Bella-more bullshit, so this has _got_ to be about something else. Obviously mine's the biggest, but take your pants off, and I'll tell you which one of you has a bigger dick."

Silence hung heavy in the car other than the steady beat from the stereo until I finally snorted and shook my head.

_Hate it when that asshole is right._

"You are one sick fuck. You know that, right?"

At Jasper's question, Emmett just glanced over his shoulder and grinned, shrugging. "Maybe. But now that I have your attention…" He rolled his eyes and then looked back out at the road, cracking his knuckles. "Why, exactly, can't we go pay Jake a visit?"

"Well, as tempting as it is…and believe me, it's extremely fucking tempting, I think we should probably talk to Bella first. I want to know why she didn't tell us what he said, but I can think of a few possibilities, and I don't like any of them." I saw him frown before he continued. "Second, it doesn't matter who cares about Bella more-" He hit the back of my seat and flashed me a small, apologetic smirk in the mirror. "If we're both in jail for assault when she needs someone to talk to."

"And finally…" His voice had taken on an odd, teasing tone. "I really don't think you want the first time you meet Charlie to be when he arrests you for beating the shit out of his best friend's kid."

_Charlie. Shit._

I swallowed and turned my eyes back to the road. Somehow in all the excitement and stress of the last few days, it had never really occurred to me that I was on my way to meet Bella's father. It had been an extremely long time since I'd had to meet the parents, and I suddenly felt apprehensive. I flexed my fingers on the steering wheel, trying my best to hide my nerves.

Jasper snickered and clapped me on the shoulder, saying, "Don't worry, man. Charlie trusts my judgment when it comes to Bella." When I glanced at the rear-view mirror to check the road behind me, he caught my gaze, and I saw the mischievous grin on his lips. "It's my mom you have to worry about. _Both_ of you." His smile widened when Emmett turned around to frown at him.

The rest of the trip seemed to pass all too quickly now that I was reminded of what waited for me at the other end. Bella always spoke in glowing terms about Jasper's mother, and even though she hadn't said as much, I knew it was extremely important to her that Mrs. Hale approve of me.

_Shit._

I didn't think there was any reason she wouldn't, necessarily, but that didn't stop me from tapping my thumbs nervously on the steering wheel as I drove and listened to Jasper and Emmett talk about nothing of importance.

Before I was ready, we were pulling into the Hales' long driveway and parking. Their house was set about a quarter of a mile off a small road, and the surrounding woods ensured that a quiet atmosphere blanketed the area. The house was fairly typical for small town Washington, but there were subtle touches that made it seem as though it had been transplanted from somewhere in the South. There was a wraparound covered porch complete with white wooden rockers, but I couldn't see much more in the dim light of the moon after I turned off my headlights.

We all three got out, groaning and stretching after being cramped in the car for a few hours. I expected to see Bella and the other girls coming to meet us, but they were still in Rosalie's car. She'd turned the headlights off, and we could just see their silhouettes in the light from the dashboard and the moon.

I chuckled as I leaned back against my trunk, crossing my arms over my chest. Jasper and Emmett came to stand beside me, and when I glanced at them, I saw stupid, happy smiles on their faces as they watched the girls. I followed their gaze to see that the three of them were dancing in their seats, hair and arms flying. Rosalie looked to be playing air guitar, and I listened to see if I could tell what song they were singing.

"'Talk Dirty to Me'?" Emmett asked.

"Yup," said Jasper with a laugh.

Emmett muttered, "And I so will…" under his breath. Jasper reached out automatically and hit him, but they both still had those silly grins. I realized the same one was on my face and rolled my eyes.

_These girls fucking own us._

And I was strangely okay with that.

Finally, Rosalie turned the engine off, and the girls came falling out. They were giggling and silly, and the expression of genuine happiness Bella was wearing was utterly beautiful. I couldn't wait to hold her, so I pushed away from the car and started walking toward her.

Just before I got to her, though, the front door opened and light flooded the driveway, making me blink and squint. I turned to look and caught my first sight of what could only be Jasper and Rosalie's parents.

I didn't get a good look at them as I glanced over my shoulder, but it was enough to let me see that Mr. Hale looked eerily like Jasper with shorter, neater hair. He had his hand on his wife's lower back, and they just looked very…comfortable together. Mrs. Hale had a quieter version of Rosalie's beauty, softened by age and a kind smile. I knew I should probably go onto the porch and introduce myself, but my feet carried me straight to Bella.

When I reached her, she smiled up at me, and I pulled her into my arms, kissing her gently. I did at least have the presence of mind to keep our kiss light and pull back after a few seconds. All I _wanted_ to do was scoop her up, find a quiet place where we could be alone, and spend the next few hours kissing her and touching her and feeling her against me.

And to think that, just yesterday, I'd taken her home early.

_You really are a fucking moron._

Yup, I was.

When we parted, I looked down at Bella, who was smiling brightly up at me. "Ready to go meet Mama and Papa Hale?"

With a weird flutter of nerves in my gut, I nodded and took her hand. She hung back until the other four had all gone up the stairs before she tugged on my hand, and we started walking slowly. I watched as both Emmett and Alice met the Hales – Emmett, of course, was boisterous and loud, wrapping up Mrs. Hale in a hug before he shook Mr. Hale's hand and clapped him on the shoulder. Alice looked tiny as she hugged both of Jasper's parents, and she was talking so quickly that I had trouble catching anything.

Bella timed it so the others were disappearing inside before we walked up the steps together. Her hand was gripping mine tightly, making me realize that she was nervous as well.

_Shit._

My mouth suddenly felt as if it was filled with cotton, and I was aware that my palms were clammy. Perfect.

But she was all smiles as she stepped onto the porch before me, dropping my hand to wrap her arms around Mrs. Hale's waist. She rested her head on the older woman's shoulder, and their heads were nestled together in a way that reminded me intensely of a mother holding a young child. Nearly as quickly as the thought entered my mind, though, they parted, and Bella stepped to Mr. Hale, lifting on her toes to kiss his cheek as they hugged. He kissed her forehead before he left her go, both of them smiling quietly as he said, "Welcome home, Bella-boo."

Bella returned to my side and with a proud smile said, "Mama and Papa Hale, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward…"

As always, hearing her call me her boyfriend put that goofy grin on my face, so as I stretched out my hand to shake Mr. Hale's, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot – a happy idiot, though. He shook my hand with a smile, and then I turned to Mrs. Hale…and was completely enveloped in a tight hug. She patted my back and said softly, "Welcome to our home, Edward. I can't tell you how happy we are to meet you."

I could feel my cheeks heat as I pulled away and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Hale," wondering all the while why I was turning into a total tool. I had never felt so…awkward…meeting anyone.

Mrs. Hale smiled kindly and waved her hand. "Oh please, dear. Mrs. Hale was my mother-in-law, God rest her soul. Call me Mama Hale…Caroline, if you must."

I glanced down at the floorboards and then back up at her, a smile forming on my lips as I suddenly felt more comfortable and at ease. "Thank you for inviting me, Caroline." Her name felt familiar for some reason.

With a flutter of her hands and an exclamation about getting us in out of the cold, Caroline ushered us inside and to a sitting room, where the other four were already lounging. Bella and I settled onto a love seat together while the elder Hales told us to make ourselves at home and that they would be right back with coffee and dessert.

Caroline looked at Bella and said, "I have some hot chocolate for you, dear," with a smile that seemed to warm the room. "Would anyone else prefer hot chocolate instead?"

We all assured her that we were fine with coffee. As she turned to leave, Jasper picked up the remote control for the TV, and his mother plucked it out of his hand, putting it back on the coffee table. "You have guests, Jasper," she scolded. "Where are your manners? Why don't you go bring in the luggage while they rest?"

Emmett's wide grin was mischievous, but he had the good sense to wait until Caroline and Mr. Hale – only then did I realize that I had no clue what his first name was - were out of earshot before he said, "I could get used to this…" and put his feet up on the coffee table in front of him.

Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs and said, "Just for that, you can go help him."

I was surprised when Emmett laughed and said, "I was planning to." He kissed Rosalie's cheek and stood, clapping Jasper hard on the back.

As they were making their way out of the room, I started to stand, but Bella pulled on my arm and murmured, "Stay? Please?"

I glanced at her curiously, but she just shrugged and gave me a small smile, biting her bottom lip. I relaxed against her again, putting my arm around her shoulders, and she drew her legs up beside her, leaning into me. We sat in silence as Rosalie and Alice talked about their favorite Thanksgiving dishes, just idle chatter. I smiled at how comfortable the two of them were together, glad that Alice had two great friends in Rosalie and Bella.

When I kissed the top of Bella's head, she lifted it and kissed my ear before whispering, "Sorry. I don't mean to be so…clingy. I just…I've never had anyone here with me when Jasper and Rose did. I…I know it's stupid, but I really didn't want to be alone again…"

I had to swallow against the lump in my throat as I thought about her sitting in this room, all alone, while everyone around her was paired up. I squeezed her shoulders, running my fingertips up and down her arm. It took a moment before I was able to whisper back, "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I promise."

Alice and Rosalie tried to draw her into conversation, but she gave short answers and seemed distracted. I hated that she was feeling down at all, especially when there was nothing we could do to change the past – and I meant it when I said I wasn't going anywhere. So instead, I tried to take her mind off it. I leaned down, murmuring the first question that came to mind, "Hey…what's Jasper's dad's name?"

To my surprise, Bella snorted out loud. Rosalie and Alice both glanced over at us, and Bella coughed, trying to hide it. The other girls clearly didn't believe her, but they both grinned and returned to their conversation, studiously ignoring us.

Bella pulled on my shirt, and I ducked down close to her again, feeling her warm breath tickling my ear as she whispered, "Chet. Short for Chester. Jasper used to get really fucking pissed off and say that with a name like that, you'd think his dad would have known better than to name him something as weird as Jasper."

I chuckled with her, and her melancholy mood seemed to have lifted. The four of us talked as Jasper and Emmett made a few trips in from the car. Emmett flipped me off as he passed by the open doorway dragging my suitcase, making me smirk in response.

The guys met Caroline and Chet as they were all coming into the room. Emmett reached out, saying, "Here, let me take that," as he took the tray of dessert plates from Caroline. Chet smiled quietly while Caroline raved about what a sweet boy Emmett was, and he beamed like a five-year-old.

_Oh yeah. He's going to be hearing about that shit._

Cheesecake and coffee were passed around, as was Bella's mug of hot chocolate piled high with mini marshmallows. She grinned at Caroline and thanked her before she plucked one of the marshmallows out and popped it in her mouth. It was already dissolving into the chocolate, getting the tip of her finger sticky, and when she slipped it between her lips to lick it off, I turned my eyes away. I was frustrated with the knowledge that – unless there was some cosmic aligning of the planets – we weren't going to have so much as a minute alone again until I got back from Chicago.

Never had I been so reluctant to go home.

We all chatted comfortably, with Caroline leading the conversation to include all of us. She reminded me of my mom in a lot of ways – consummate hostess who knew how to draw people out and get them talking. Everything was kept on the surface, though, and from the glances I saw her shooting our way occasionally, I thought there might be a deeper conversation coming before this trip was over. But there was always a smile on her lips and in her eyes when she looked at Bella relaxing under my arm, so I wasn't too afraid.

Not really.

Alright, so I was nervous as hell, but there wasn't much to be done about it. Instead, I just complimented her on the cheesecake – which really _was_ fucking awesome – and answered her questions about med school and my parents. When she found out I played the piano, her smile brightened, and she said, "Oh! You'll have to play for us before you go…we bought one when Jasper and Rosalie were young, but they both decided their lessons were too hard." She shot a pointed look at her children before turning back to me. "It's so nice to see a young man stick with such a difficult instrument!"

I realized I was sitting straighter and had that same fucking beaming smile on my face that Emmett had been wearing.

_So much for giving him a hard time._

My cheeks heated, but I didn't change my expression as I thanked Caroline. I said, "I'm really out of practice, though. I don't have a piano in Seattle, so the only time I get to play anymore is at my parents' when we visit them."

Caroline waved her hand dismissively, telling me she was sure I would be brilliant, and that it would be wonderful to have live music in the house after Thanksgiving dinner. I shifted in my seat, trying to control my smile, but it wasn't happening. Instead, I just avoided looking at Emmett until I realized he was doing the same thing with me thanks to the compliments she had paid him.

As we talked, Bella settled against me and grew still. Her mug of hot chocolate sat on a coaster, half-full, and I smiled when I realized she'd eaten all the marshmallows but barely touched the drink. Her breathing was slow and regular, so I glanced down to find that she'd fallen asleep against me. Her lips were slightly parted, her hair falling across her face. I brushed it away and kissed her forehead, instinctively lowering my voice so I wouldn't wake her.

After about another half hour of conversation, Bella was completely out, and her head started slipping from my shoulder to my chest. I turned sideways a bit, gathering her closer to me, as I said quietly, "I think it's probably time for Bella to go to bed. Where's she sleeping?"

Caroline looked at me shrewdly for a moment, making me somehow feel like I was four years old and had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Finally, she smiled again and said, "Jasper will show you, dear." She stood, gathering plates from around the room and putting them on the tray. Alice hopped up to help her, leaving Rosalie and Emmett carrying on a lively conversation with Mr. Hale – I was having a hard time thinking of him as Chet - about what type of car Rose and her father should rebuild next. It was apparently a hobby they enjoyed together, but they were between cars at the moment.

I moved toward the edge of the couch, shifting Bella carefully so as not to wake her too much. I brushed back her hair, whispering, "Bella? Come on, love…let's get you to bed." She half-moaned, half-mumbled, and frowned at me without opening her eyes. With a sigh, I stood, pulling her with me as I wrapped my arm tightly around her waist. We walked awkwardly, Bella's feet dragging the ground as she stumbled forward and I tried my best to guide her.

Jasper led the way, chuckling, while I glared at his back. When Bella stumbled – again – and nearly pulled me down with her, I bent down and picked her up, cradling her against my chest. She slipped her arm around my waist, and I felt her hand tighten on the fabric of my shirt as she nuzzled her face into my neck.

We past several closed doors, and he stopped at the last one on the left. He turned, arching an eyebrow when he saw me holding Bella; then he opened the door, reached in to flip on the light, and looked back at me. His expression seemed torn for a moment as he glanced between the empty bedroom and the two of us a few times. Finally, he sighed and lowered his voice, his eyes shifting from left to right like an informant in an old film noir. He looked at me pointedly as he said, "Alright, I'll wait out here while you help her get into bed."

My eyes widened, but I quickly nodded. I started through the door, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm as he threatened, "But I swear to _God_ if you tell my mom I did this…"

I was chuckling quietly when I heard the door click shut behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see that he actually had closed us in alone and smiled to myself. Walking over to the bed, I sat Bella down carefully, and she immediately just rolled onto her side and pulled her feet up, shoes and all. She was still in her jeans – there was no way she would be comfortable that way. I sighed.

Her suitcase was just off to the side, so I opened it, cursing the zipper that seemed unnaturally loud. Sitting right on top were Bella's pajamas - a pair of plaid pants and my t-shirt. With a grin, I tossed them both onto the bed and left the accursed zipper undone as I moved the suitcase out of Bella's path to the bathroom so she wouldn't trip in the middle of the night.

Back at the bed, I frowned as I tried to figure out the best way to get Bella dressed. I untied her shoes and pulled them off, putting them under the edge of the bed. When I slipped off her socks, she gave a sleepy little giggle and tried to pull her feet away. With a small sigh, she rolled partially onto her stomach, one leg thrown out across the mattress.

Frowning, I leaned down, gently shaking her shoulder. "Bella? Come on, sweetheart, wake up…" She frowned in response, furrowing her brow. "Don't you want to change?"

She mumbled something I couldn't understand, nodding.

"Then you have to wake up...I put your pajamas on the bed." No response. "Bella?"

She gave an exasperated grunt and flipped onto her back, her hands going to the button of her jeans. My eyes widened, and I was frozen in place as I watched her pull hard, unbuttoning them in frustration before she yanked the zipper down. The whole time, her eyes were closed, and she was pouting, her lower lip jutting out.

_Holy fuck._

I quickly looked away, listening to the sound of fabric rustling as I saw movement on the bed out of the corner of my eye. _She probably thinks I'm "just" Jasper_. I grimaced, running my fingers through my hair as I tried not to listen – or watch.

Bella's noises were becoming more irritated, and I could tell she was having trouble, so I glanced back over, trying to keep my eyes on just her face. She was frowning, her legs drawn up as she tried to pull her jeans down her calves.

_Pink cotton_.

Great. Despite my best attempts to be a gentleman, my mind automatically catalogued Bella's underwear as I gave a sigh and stepped over to help her. I focused on the quilt as I pulled her jeans off and let them fall to the floor. Her legs dropped back onto the mattress…right into my field of vision, and I couldn't seem to look away. I _knew_ I had already seen this much of her in those shorts the other night, but images of that night didn't help either. I felt myself begin to harden as my brain seemed stuck on repeat.

_Pink cotton panties. Pink cotton panties. Pink cotton panties._

_You're disgusting_.

I tried to make myself believe that, but I seemed to lack conviction with Bella half-dressed and lying on a bed in front of me. _That_ thought, however, was enough to bring some sense back into my brain, and I picked up her pajama pants, putting her feet through before I pulled them up. She lifted her hips, reaching down to tug them up the rest of the way, and I was both relieved and really fucking sad to see that innocent-looking pair of underwear disappear.

I looked down at my t-shirt still lying on the bed and realized there was no way I wanted to go through that particular ordeal. I put it on top of her suitcase and walked over to the bed again, lifting her slightly so I could pull the covers back. I finally got her into bed and tucked under the covers. She always slept with them pulled all the way up and gathered under her chin, and it made me smile to see her settle in that way again.

Leaning down, I brushed her hair back again and kissed her forehead, whispering softly, "Good night, love." As I was straightening, I saw her smile, and she mumbled something I didn't quite catch. "What was that, sweetheart?"

Her eyes still closed, she breathed out her reply. "Love…ward…"

I felt a small jolt as I realized she _did_ know it was me. My voice was embarrassingly breathless when I whispered back, "I love you too, Bella." I pressed a gentle kiss against her lips, smiling when she returned it. I stood up straight, watching her sleep for a moment before I turned to leave.

I heard the sounds of her shifting on the bed and figured she was just settling in. I made it to the door and reached to turn out the light, taking one last look at her over my shoulder. I was just in time to see her toss something out from under the quilt, making a soft thump as it landed on the floor.

_Light blue lace bra._

_Fuck. Me._

Again, my mind registered Bella's underwear before I could even look away. The fact that they weren't matching was somehow even more arousing, and I couldn't seem to force my mind away from trying to generate an image of what Bella must look like in those – in _only_ those.

I flipped off the light, stepping out of the room into the dim hallway to find Jasper there waiting for me. He smirked at me as I closed the door, and all I could do was hope he couldn't recognize my problem through the layers of clothing I was wearing.

He gave me a knowing look, raising an eyebrow, but all he said was, "Here, this is your room." I followed him back down the hallway a bit to a door on the opposite side. I didn't ask how he knew I just wanted to go to bed. I simply stepped inside, grateful to be alone, and told him good night before I closed the door. I spotted Emmett's backpack and my suitcase on the floor and groaned. They were sitting right by the bed. The _one_ full-sized bed I'd apparently be sharing with that douche.

_Meh._

_Maybe it'll be better since he hasn't been drinking?_

_We can only hope…_

We'd had to share a bed before, and it was never a fun experience. Most of the time, it had been in some hotel room on a trip after a drunken night of partying when neither of us had found anyone we were interested in. I'd learned the hard way that a drunken, sleepy Emmett was an affectionate, cuddly Emmett, and I'd woken up with his arm thrown over me and his face between my shoulder blades more times than I cared to remember.

With a sigh, I unzipped my suitcase and pulled out everything I needed. I went into the attached bathroom, brushing my teeth before I changed into my pajamas. Whether or not Jasper had noticed it, my reaction to Bella was really fucking obvious to me, but the last thing I felt like doing was getting more worked up at the moment. I just wanted to sleep.

I tossed my toothbrush and toothpaste back into my toiletries bag and went into the bedroom, dropping the bag and my clothes back in my suitcase. Flipping the light off, I crossed the room again and took the same side of the bed as I did when I slept at Bella's. I tried to will my erection away, but the same images kept flashing through my mind. Bella's legs drawn up while the edge of those pink cotton panties slid up to expose part of her ass. Bella's bare thighs as she pushed her jeans down. A light blue lace bra hitting the floor. Bella's sweet smile as she whispered that she loved me.

I groaned, raking my fingers through my hair as I stared up at the ceiling I couldn't see. I was determined I was _not_ going to jerk off, especially not in the bed I was, unfortunately, going to be sharing with Emmett. That jackass would know the minute he walked in - I always teased him about his uncanny ability to smell that shit. I could take a shower, but I was too fucking tired, and I was now determined to go to sleep without…relieving the tension anyway.

Completely sure that I would never fall asleep, I just lay there, idly running my fingers through my hair with my eyes open, seeing nothing but the darkness of the bedroom as I tried not to think about what I'd just seen. Instead, I thought about the next day, about meeting Charlie and spending the day with Bella's extended family…and leaving Bella. I grew melancholy, my thoughts naturally drifting in a different direction as I apparently worked to thoroughly depress myself.

I must've dozed off that way because the next thing I knew, the bed shook, and Emmett's gruff voice said, "Scoot over, fucker!" as he shoved me. I rolled onto my side, kicking back at him and catching his shin. I think I chuckled at his muffled curses before I drifted off to sleep again.

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_**A/N:**__ Thank you so much for reading! I read each and every review and love all of them – I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me what you think! I'm sorry I can't answer them all – I do try, but I fail more often than I would like. Please know, though, that they mean the world to me._

_A few things I'd like to mention:_

_1 – I recently wrote a recommendation for __**"Sleepers, Awake"**__ by __**Feisty Y. Beden**__ for the Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster blog. The story is absolutely unbelievable and has me completely hooked. Please drop by the blog and check out my rec – leave me some love if you do :) Then go and read the fuckawesome tale that Ms. Beden has woven. Links are in my profile._

_2 – I am unbelievably honored to have been invited to be a judge in three contests going on at the moment! Please check out the links in my profile to enter – and read the entries – for the following contests:_

_  
__**For the Love of Jasper**__, which seeks out high-quality, Jasper-centric one-shots. Any pairing (or none), any Jasper (including ones already in other stories), nearly anything goes!_

_**Les Femmes Noires**__, looking for fantastic one-shots featuring dark versions of the female characters of the Twilight universe. Give us your manipulative Bella, your cruel Leah, your neurotic Rosalie…you get the picture._

_**The Indies First Time Writer Challenge**__, where we are searching for brand-new writers who have never before shared their work to write with the theme of "First Experiences." This is the first contest hosted by the __**Indie TwiFic Awards**__._

_3 – You all rock. I love you hard, and I can't thank you enough for reading. _

_Oh, and the title to this chapter is from a song by the Smiths called "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want," which is also the song that prompts Jasper's lecture on music. Other songs mentioned in this chapter are "Creep" by Radiohead and "I Ain't Goin' Out Like That" and "How I Could Just Kill a Man," both by Cypress Hill._

_Obviously I'm doing way too much stuff because my A/Ns are utterly ridiculous now. Hmm._

_Don't forget to __**Support Stacie**__! :)_


	27. The Long and Winding Road

_**A/N:**__ So I know it's been crazy long since I updated, and I love each and every one of you who are still here – you just absolutely rock. I won't keep you up here with all my rambling, but there's more A/N at the bottom. Hope you enjoy it!_

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**BPOV**

The fragrance of coffee filtered through my dreams, and I rolled over in bed, stretching out on my stomach and wrapping my arms around my pillow. A lazy smile played on my lips as I inhaled deeply, images from the night before drifting back to me. I remembered cuddling with Edward on the loveseat, sipping hot chocolate as we talked to everyone. I knew I would never be able to explain to him how much it meant to me to have him here – to _not_ be alone.

Finally.

And it wasn't just not being alone. It was being here with Edward.

_Edward…_ I smiled again, my eyes still closed. Darkness pressed against my eyelids, so I knew it was early. I needed to get up soon and help Mama Hale, but I decided to spend a few minutes just relaxing and enjoying the…_bliss_ that had become my life. I was utterly comfortable, my bed warm and inviting, and I gave a soft sigh as I shifted my legs.

_Shit!_

I bolted upright in bed as I realized suddenly that I was _too _comfortable. My jeans were gone, replaced by my plaid flannel pants, and my cheeks heated as fuzzy memories began to resurface. Edward's voice talking quietly, asking if I wanted to change. My frustration at having to move. My fingers ripping open the button of my jeans.

Edward's hands helping pull my jeans off my legs.

I heard my own gasp of shock as I realized, at last, what had happened. _Edward helped me get ready for bed._ I'd known on some level that he was there, but my mind hadn't made the connection that _he _was the one undressing me.

Or had it?

I thought back, trying to remember, but everything was such a blur of exhaustion and annoyance and…happiness. I bit my bottom lip, a smile slowly spreading on my face as my wide eyes stared blindly into the darkness. Maybe I had consciously known and maybe I hadn't…but the fact remained that a man – _Edward_ – had undressed me while I was half-asleep, and I hadn't panicked. I'd trusted him. I'd helped him and fallen right back asleep.

My hand rose, my fingers lightly touching my lips as I realized, too, that Edward had earned that trust. He hadn't tried to take advantage of the situation. He'd barely kissed me, simply tucking me under the covers and brushing my hair back tenderly. He deserved every ounce of trust I gave him.

I held that thought to me for a moment, letting the contentment I felt settle into my skin before I pushed back the covers and stood. I wandered into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day. I pulled my hair into a messy bun at the base of my neck, yawning despite the wide, bright eyes that stared at me from the mirror.

Finishing up, I washed my hands, turned the light off, and then made my way across the darkened room to the hallway. Early morning at the Hale house had always been one of my favorite times. There was a feeling of something special, some secret that was shared just between Mama Hale and me.

The entire house was silent, a heavy hush in the air that was broken only by the signs of life from the kitchen – the light spilling into the hallway, providing the only illumination; the sound of metal pinging against metal as a pan was put in the sink; the fragrance of bacon and eggs and biscuits baking in the oven.

My footsteps were slow, a small smile on my face as I remembered early Saturday mornings when I'd spent the night as a little girl. My weekends were supposed to be spent with Charlie after my parents got divorced, but most Saturday mornings, he'd go fishing. A lot of times, Jasper and I would go with him, waking up well before the sun was up to the sound of the police cruiser's tires crunching the gravel driveway before I'd hear the heavy thud of Charlie's boots on the wooden steps and the creak of the screen door. Invariably, Jasper and I had stayed up too late, and there was a mad dash as we rushed around to get ready before my dad left us as he always threatened to do.

He never had, and I knew – deep down – that he never would.

But just as many mornings, we'd stayed with Mama Hale instead. In the beginning, my mom had thought it wasn't right – that if I wasn't with Charlie, I should be at home with her, but each weekend, I'd beg, and she'd finally relent until, eventually, it was just understood. My weekends meant that I would be away from home, and it no longer mattered if I was with my dad or with the Hales.

When I walked into the kitchen, I found Mama Hale sitting at the island, sipping her coffee with a plate of eggs, grits, and toast in front of her. My own plate was already fixed – scrambled eggs with cheese, grits, bacon, and a biscuit – and waiting for me across from her. Steam was still rising from the eggs, some of the cheese still melting. It had always seemed like a kind of magic to me – the way she just knew when I would be joining her.

Of course, as I got older, I realized that with the silence in the house, she could hear me getting up and using the restroom and that sort of thing, but it still filled me with that sense of wonder. I grinned – both at myself and at her – as I took my seat on the stool across from her. "Morning, Mama Hale."

"Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?" She gave me a kind smile as she stood, picking up the empty glass waiting beside my plate. "Milk or orange juice?"

"Orange juice, please. And I slept very well last night."

She went to the refrigerator and poured my juice as I spoke. When she returned, she walked around to my side of the island and hugged me, holding me close as I leaned against her. I felt like a little girl, sitting there with my feet not reaching the floor from my seat on the high stool while that homey scent of Mama Hale – cinnamon and vanilla and lemon Pledge – surrounded me. "We're so glad to have you home."

It was a simple statement, but it had me smiling broadly as warmth spread in my chest. She kissed the top of my head and walked back around, taking a seat on her stool. We chatted comfortably as we ate, just making small talk about school at first. Eventually, she asked about Renee, as she always did, and I shifted, pulling at the sleeves of my long-sleeved t-shirt.

"She's fine," I said, biting my bottom lip. "They're still living in Jacksonville, and she loves teaching kindergarten again."

I felt constriction in my chest once again – a pang of…regret? Something close to it, at least, as I thought about what would've happened if Phil had signed with Jacksonville just ten months earlier.

_Less than a year…_

I sighed, my eyes tightening as I tried to cover my reaction by taking a bite of my biscuit. It felt thick in my mouth, tasteless even though I knew it was delicious, and I took a long drink of orange juice to try to wash it down.

If Phil had signed with Jacksonville instead of Phoenix, I would have never met James. If he'd signed ten short months earlier than he did, I would have never been as involved with him as I had been.

It wouldn't have happened.

I didn't blame my mom or my stepdad. In a lot of ways, though, they did. They both walked on eggshells around me, and Renee had this infuriating need to apologize. It popped up at odd times – while I was in the middle of opening a Christmas present or while we were just laughing and eating ice cream. It was like walking through a mine field being with her, never knowing when the memory of James was going to ambush me.

She'd tried to stop – I knew she truly had – but she just had all these feelings that bubbled to the surface and little-to-no impulse control. As a result, we didn't talk a lot anymore, and I always felt vaguely uneasy talking to or about her. It was just too close to the whole situation.

To take my mind off of it, I babbled. "You know Phil's still coaching down there. He's not with the Suns anymore, but he's working with kids now, and he really loves it." I kept going, telling her how he was thinking of going to college to get his teaching degree as well. Mama Hale nodded, asking me questions, and before I knew it, she'd steered the conversation out of the dangerous waters and back to school.

She took a small bite of her eggs, sipped her coffee, and said, "So…what do you think of Alice and Emmett?"

A broad smile was on my face before she even finished. "They're great. I'm still getting to know Emmett, but he's really cool, and I love Alice."

I told her more about the two of them, about how funny Emmett was and how Alice always seemed to know what to say. She asked how we all met, so I explained that Jasper and Alice met in the library and that Emmett was Edward's best friend. It would've been natural for the conversation to turn to Edward then, so I squirmed uncomfortably when it didn't.

If we weren't talking about it now, that meant Mama Hale was saving it for when we were cooking – when all the important conversations took place. It was somehow easier to say difficult things when our hands were occupied and our eyes were turned away. It had been over countless pies and batches of cookies that I had eventually told her what happened with James. Other than Jasper – and now Edward – she was the only one I had ever voluntarily talked to about it.

The silence that descended in the kitchen was comfortable, and we finished our breakfast in peace. As soon as I put down my fork, Mama Hale picked up our plates and took them to the sink. Faster than I would've thought possible, they were washed, dried, and put away. She handed me an apron, which I slipped over my head while she was tying her own.

We settled into a comfortable rhythm as I performed the more menial tasks – chopping, stirring, and measuring – while she oversaw everything. We baked muffins and made a breakfast casserole with sliced mushrooms, sausage, eggs, cheese, and the like, all thickened with flour, and I could feel the light sheen of sweat beginning to collect around my collar. It was as I was straightening up from putting the casserole in the oven that I heard her clear her throat.

My face was still flushed from the heat of the oven when I turned to hear her say, "So dear…tell me about Edward. I know he's Alice's brother, but how did you meet him exactly?"

A lock of hair had fallen over my face, and I brushed it away with the back of my hand. "Oh." I bit my bottom lip, making my way over to the cutting board, where I poured some pecans and began chopping them for the pecan pie. "Well, after I met Alice, we decided to go to the movies together – you know, the three of us - and then she invited her brother."

My hands stilled as my brow furrowed, and there was a smile on my face when I started chopping again. "We just got along really well. He's so easy to talk to, and he ended up coming over for a while, and…" I shrugged, feeling my cheeks heat. I'd started to tell her how unbelievably attracted to him I was, but I just…couldn't. "He's really funny, too."

The words sounded lame to my ears, even though they were true. Somehow, I'd reduced the most incredible man I'd ever met to a handful of trite statements that could be applied to any number of people – including all of my guy friends.

"Well, he certainly is a good-looking young man."

I glanced over to find Mama Hale smiling at me knowingly. I laughed softly and nodded. "Umm…yeah."

She paused as she passed by me on her way to the refrigerator. She hugged me close, though I was turned partially away from her, and her voice was soft as she whispered, "I'm so happy for you, Bella. It's time."

_It's time._

I felt a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow as I absorbed those two simple words. For so long now, my past had affected everyone around me – not only in the way they behaved toward me, but even in their own lives. James was a fucking infection that had spread to everyone I loved. He was the reason Jasper had doubted himself so much that he ended up in therapy as well. He was why I could no longer have a normal relationship with my mother. He was the reason for that haunting empty look in Charlie's eyes sometimes.

It was time I let all that shit go.

_But how?_

It seemed like it should be so easy – just letting something go – but I felt lost in the face of such an enormous task. That familiar melancholy feeling seeped into me, burning through my veins like a poison.

I stood frozen, the knife poised in my hands, and I forced myself back into motion, trying not to let on that anything was wrong as doubts about myself churned in my mind. At the forefront were the newest and most pressing – all of those questions about whether or not I would ever be able to have a normal physical relationship with Edward.

Mama Hale's hands covered mine gently, making me realize that I'd been chopping the same pecans until they were nearly dust. My eyes were wide when I looked at her, and she smiled at me softly, taking the knife from me and putting it to the side. She took my hand in hers and reached up, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear in a gesture that was so reminiscent of Jasper. "Bella, baby, there's no reason to be afraid. Edward is a good man."

Her words were incomprehensible at first, so far removed were they from where my thoughts had been. It took me a moment to realize she thought I was worried about Edward – about whether or not I could trust him. That wasn't my fear at _all_, but her words brought me up short, making my brow furrow. "How do you know?"

"I can just tell, dear. It's in the eyes and the way he looks at you…" Her smile prompted my own as she patted my hand. "Besides, Jasper and those other boys haven't torn him limb-from-limb yet."

I laughed softly, nodding despite the brief flare of anger and disappointment I felt toward Jake at the mention of the guys. Like so many times before, she was able to lift me out of the dark moods that threatened me, letting me bask in the warmth that all the Hales seemed to radiate. "Thanks, Mama Hale," I murmured quietly.

She pretended not to hear, though I saw the soft smile on her face as she pulled a mixing bowl from the cupboard. She handed it to me, and I set about mixing batter for the blueberry muffins as she pursed her lips, putting her hands on her hips. "Now be honest. Is Jasper behaving himself?"

I laughed as I poured blueberries into the batter and folded them in carefully. "He is, Mama Hale…promise."

She looked unconvinced, her eyes narrowing as I told her about the way Jasper treated Alice. Eventually, she smiled, but then it started all over again as I had to reassure her that Rosalie was acting like a lady. That one seemed a lost cause, and I was still talking when Mama Hale walked over to the coffee pot and poured a fresh mug. She took it to the island and began adding cream and sugar, making me smile when I realized she was making it for Papa Hale.

I hadn't noticed how late it had gotten, but the microwave said it was after 7:30 when he walked into the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed in an orange henley over his jeans. He hugged me, kissing my head as he said, "Morning, Bella-boo," and I grinned at the silly nickname.

He sat at the island, sipping his coffee as we all chatted about nothing in particular. Just like always, time seemed to speed up when other people began waking and wandering around the Hale house. Moments after Papa Hale refilled his cup and kissed his wife before disappearing through the back door, Jasper wandered into the kitchen with a lazy smile.

He was dressed in his favorite pajama pants – green plaid that were ragged at the cuffs and becoming dangerously thin – and the Rage Against the Machine t-shirt that matched mine. His hair was a fucking wreck, standing up in every direction, and he just made it worse when he yawned and ran his fingers through it.

There was a fond smile on my face when I went to fix his coffee, and when I brought it to him, he tickled me and then slipped an arm around my waist, hugging me before he left me go. He sipped his coffee, winking at me. "So…were you comfortable enough last night, Bells?"

The knowing smirk on his face made my eyes narrow, and I mouthed, "Shut. Up." He snickered, taking another drink from his mug as I hit his arm. Aloud, I said, "Yeah, I slept really well," and shot him a _look _when he opened his mouth.

He chuckled, and I turned around, going to take the muffins from the oven. I put them on the cooling racks beside the breakfast casserole and caught Mama Hale looking at Jasper's pajamas. Her lips pressed into a thin line, but she didn't say anything. After he'd taken a few more sips of his coffee, she said, "Jasper, dear, would you mind setting the table?"

He slipped off his bar stool, abandoning his coffee as he walked to the cabinet and pulled down plates. The silverware clattered on the plates as he piled it on top, and I winced at the noise.

"Jasper!" Mama Hale admonished quietly. "People are sleeping!"

"Sorry, Mama…" He picked up the dishes and headed through the archway into the dining room, where I heard him set them down before the rasping sound of the sideboard drawer opening reached my ears.

He had just finished up and walked back into the kitchen when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I glanced over my shoulder in time to see Emmett's massive form filling the doorway. I blushed a bit when I saw him in basketball shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt – apparently his pajamas. It wasn't so much the clothes, but the way his curly dark hair was all ruffled made me very aware that he had just woken up.

He swooped into the kitchen, wrapping up Mama Hale in a bearhug as he lifted her from the ground, squeezing her with a grunt. He set her down and grabbed a piece of bacon from the platter by the stove, popping it in his mouth. Picking up the platter, he nodded toward the dining room, saying, "This need to go?"

Mama Hale laughed softly, smoothing her hair back into her bun as she nodded. "Yes, please."

She watched him walk through the archway with a fond smile, and I heard a low chuckle from the hallway. I looked over and saw Edward wandering in. He was still in his pajamas like the other guys, his hair as messy as ever, but the best sight I'd ever seen was the way his eyes just lit up when he saw me. I didn't even realize I was moving before I was wrapped in his arms in the doorway to the kitchen. I hugged him tightly, burying my face in his neck, and I heard him say, "Good morning, Caroline," over my head. His voice was husky and soft, still thick with sleep, and I felt a sense of longing as I tried to memorize the sound of it.

I snuggled close to him and kissed his neck once before letting him go. He kissed my forehead with a smile and then walked to Mama Hale, who wrapped him in a tight hug and kissed him on the cheek. She said, "Good morning, dear…I hope you slept well."

They spoke briefly, and I really appreciated the fond smile she gave my Edward as well. He was completely different from Emmett in some ways, but she seemed to approve. Finally, she handed him two pot holders and asked if he'd take the breakfast casserole into the dining room. He glanced over, winking at me as he picked it up and started through the archway.

I was watching him go when a basket of biscuits appeared in my hands. I looked at Mama Hale to find her smiling quietly at me. "Take that with you, please."

A quick look around the kitchen told me there was far more work to be done, but she clucked her tongue and shooed me away, telling me to come back when I was ready. I smiled my thanks and kissed her cheek before I practically skipped into the dining room.

Lively conversation had already sprung up among the guys, and Emmett was sputtering while Edward's head was thrown back as he laughed. Jasper's fist was in front of his mouth, and he was turning red from suppressed laughter. I grinned as I dropped the basket in the middle of the table and slipped into the seat between Jasper and Edward. I sighed contentedly when Edward's hand was immediately on my knee, though he continued to talk to the other guys. It just felt so…normal. So right.

Before long, Alice and Rosalie appeared, and Emmett began dishing up huge servings of casserole for everyone. When he handed Alice her plate, her eyes widened as she said, "Good lord, Emmett! How much do you think I eat? I'm not…_you_!"

After a brief argument, he finally scraped half of it onto a plate and handed it to me. He refused to listen when I said I'd eaten, though, so I ended up with a full plate in front of me while we all talked and laughed together. I picked at my food as I joined in the conversation, which quickly turned to the Seattle game.

Edward said, "No way the Seahawks can win today," and Emmett was already shaking his head as I nodded.

"If they can protect Hasselbeck-" Emmett began, but I cut him off, laughing.

"That's a damn big 'if', Em…there's no _way_ they'll be able to keep the Dallas D away."

Edward squeezed my knee, and I saw him grinning out of the corner of my eye as he backed me up. Rosalie joined in, talking about how Dallas had been stuck in a rut before their last couple of victories, so she gave even money on either team winning.

"Yeah, it may be true that they've been struggling a little, but Tony Romo has been looking great…" Edward said.

"What about his broken pinkie?" Jasper challenged.

I reminded Jazz of Jason Witten, and he paused, pursing his lips as he thought. Our argument continued, growing more heated until Edward said, "I guarantee you Dallas wins today."

Emmett turned to him. "You want to make a bet?"

Edward smirked. "It's your ass." He shrugged, lifting his hands palm up. I tried my best not to laugh at the suddenly shrewd expression Emmett wore, but I failed miserably.

Realization dawned on his face, and he looked at Edward, saying, "You little shit! I didn't think you had it in you!"

Edward shrugged again, looking vaguely uncomfortable, but Emmett didn't seem to notice. He turned to me suddenly, his face brightening as he said, "Hey, wanna see?" He stood up, spinning around as he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts.

"No!" Several of our voices cried out at once. Jasper looked horrorstruck, while Edward snickered. Alice and I were shaking our heads, and when Emmett started to pull them down anyway, Alice yelled out, "Smurf! Smurf, damn it!"

I glanced over at Rosalie, and we stared at each other with wide eyes before we dissolved into giggles. Emmett turned around, his eyebrows raised in confusion as his hands, thankfully, fell to his sides. I leaned over, resting my head against Edward's arm as I tried to control myself. He and Jasper just looked amused, and the sight of Jazz putting his arm around Alice and kissing her forehead helped me calm as I smiled at them.

Rose put her hand on Emmett's forearm and leaned closer to him, whispering to him just loud enough for us to hear. "_I_ wouldn't mind seeing it, but let's do that in private, hmm?"

Emmett's eyes lit up as he sat back in his chair and pulled Rosalie into his lap, making her squeal as he whispered something in her ear. He wrapped his arms around her and nibbled at her ear, and I glanced quickly away. My eyes met Jasper's, and he made a face at me as he tossed his napkin onto his plate.

I giggled. It took a hell of a lot to make Jasper lose his appetite.

Breakfast was pretty much over then, and as people began to stand, Edward leaned over, kissing me softly. Just as my eyes fluttered closed, he pulled away, taking my plate and standing. He said, "We've got this – why don't you ladies go do…whatever you need to do?"

I saw his grin when he glanced at Jasper, and I found my best friend grimacing as he watched something. I followed his gaze and found Rosalie still sitting in Emmett's lap as they kissed passionately. When I glanced up at Edward, he shrugged and muttered, "Nothing new…" before he picked a small piece of biscuit from my plate and threw it, hitting Emmett on the head.

Emmett's head snapped around. "Hey! Stop that!" The second piece hit him on the forehead, and Rosalie squealed when he nearly dumped her in the floor as he leaned over to pick it up. His arm was wrapped firmly around her waist, though, and he held her tight as he tossed it back at Edward, who swatted it away. Rose smiled at Emmett and stood, patting him on the cheek as she mouthed, "Later."

I caught sight of Jasper kissing Alice softly before he whispered something that made her smile. I bit my bottom lip as I watched them, thinking about how they just…_worked_. They were quiet and calm – the complete opposite of boisterous Emmett and Rosalie.

I wondered where Edward and I fit into that spectrum.

My musing was cut short as the guys gathered the dishes and disappeared into the kitchen. Alice, Rosalie, and I made our way down the hall, giggling a little. Alice had shared Rosalie's room last night, so they stopped off at the first door on the right while I continued to the end of the hall.

My room was just across from Jasper's, as it had been since we were eleven, and once I made it inside, I pulled a black long-sleeved Under Armour shirt and my Seattle jersey from my suitcase. Just because I was sure they were going to lose didn't mean I wasn't going to support my team. Grabbing a fresh pair of underwear and my jeans, I went into the bathroom and dropped my clothes on the counter as I turned on the water.

Soon, I had stripped and was standing beneath the warm spray. I was hurrying, washing quickly in my haste to get back to Mama Hale, but my mind kept drifting away. Images of Edward had me biting my bottom lip as I realized I was trying to figure out how to get him alone, even for just a few moments. I had to admit that I was…jealous…of the way Rosalie and Emmett could be so open. I don't know what held me back, exactly – whether it was just that our relationship was so new or if I was…

I sighed.

I was uncomfortable. There was no reason to deny it. In the back of my mind, I wondered each time I touched Edward if _that_ time would be the one that made me break down.

And I didn't want to do that in front of my friends. It would be bad enough when Edward saw it. I clenched my jaw, refusing to give into the melancholy that seemed to follow me sometimes. Instead, I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply as I thought about the good parts of touching Edward.

And oh…what good parts they were. A soft smile played on my lips as I washed my hair, imagining it was Edward's fingers running through my hair. His hands were always gentle, but his touch excited me in ways I could barely remember feeling. I _wanted_ his hands on me.

If I were being honest, I wanted them all over me. I was just…scared as _fuck_ to try it. My teeth worried my lower lip as I rinsed my hair, thinking back to the conversation I'd had with Edward the other night – the one where he'd asked if I'd ever _helped_ myself. I wondered if maybe he was on to something – if maybe I needed to touch myself before I tried it with him.

This was completely uncharted territory for me. I had no idea what would set me off in any situation like that because, in truth, any physical contact had the potential to, and the more nervous I was, the more likely it was.

So didn't it stand to reason that at least knowing what to expect, physically, would help me relax some?

But…embarrassing as it was…I had no clue how to go about it. What the hell was I supposed to do?

And wouldn't it be more meaningful if it was Edward who helped me?

The questions were still skirting the edge of my mind, chasing each other and getting nowhere like the goddamn Caucus-race in _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ as I shut off the water. I reached back, pulling my hair over my shoulder as I squeezed the excess water from it before I stepped out of the shower. I dried and dressed quickly, shoving away all the questions in my hurry to get back to the kitchen.

I closed my door a little harder than I intended, jumping at the sound before I started down the hallway. When I passed the room Edward and Emmett had shared, I glanced through the open doorway, stopping when I saw him reclining on the bed. He was lying on his back, his hands behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling.

At the sound of my footsteps, he glanced over, smiling at me as I walked in and stretched out beside him. I rested my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest, as I gave a contented sigh and relished the way I just…_fit_. He kissed my forehead, and I closed my eyes, my fingertips lightly stroking his chest as I soaked up the heat from his body against mine. I felt like a cat stretching out for a nap in the beam of sunshine through a closed window, purring in contentment.

After a long, silent moment, I lifted my head, a lazy smile on my lips as I said, "What are you doing? Sleepy again?"

He rolled his eyes with a grin. "Emmett beat me to the bathroom." My reply died before it was fully formed as he pulled me closer and kissed me deeply. Our lips parted as our tongues brushed, and my fingers tightened on the fabric of his shirt. I gave a quiet moan, my thigh slipping over his as my calf settled between his legs. Before I could begin to crawl on top of him – which was absolutely where I was going – he pulled away and said softly, "Somehow I don't mind so much now…"

He gave me his crooked grin, and I blushed as I realized the door was open – and Emmett was in the attached bathroom, likely to come out at any moment. I grinned sheepishly and placed a quick kiss on his lips before I shifted my leg away, clearing my throat.

"I need to go help Mama Hale…" I gave a small sigh, pouting a bit, which made him smile before he kissed my pout away. "But if you want, you can use my bathroom."

That crooked grin was still on his face as he kissed me chastely, thanking me. With a final sigh, I rolled off the bed, pulling on the sleeve of my jersey to straighten it while I walked out of the room. When I reached the door, I couldn't help glancing at him just one more time, and I blushed lightly when I found him watching me. He was on his side, propped on his elbow, and his eyes seemed to be drinking me in, the emerald a shade darker. I wondered if he might be trying to memorize me the way I kept trying to etch him in my mind.

"I love you." The words spilled from my lips without my ever intending to say them, but it just seemed fitting and right that he should know without a doubt how I felt before he went home to Chicago.

His smile was tender when he whispered his own love in response, and I waved at him, lingering for a moment before I set off down the hallway with a silly little adolescent spring in my step. As soon as I walked into the kitchen, I checked the turkey in the separate oven and then glanced over at Mama Hale for my next instructions. She smiled at me and set me to work peeling potatoes at the island.

I had a pile big enough for a small army – or half a dozen Emmetts - when I heard her humming under her breath. I grinned when I caught the tune, biting my bottom lip to stop my giggle when she sang, "He's gonna get caught; just you wait and see," but I couldn't resist joining in as we deepened our voices together. "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?"

We sang together, dancing around the kitchen as we stirred and chopped while the others occasionally wandered in and out with amused expressions on their faces. Jasper stayed with us for a round of "Stand by Me" – his personal favorite – and he danced with me, sweeping me across the kitchen floor and leaving me giggling by the refrigerator as he went to spin his mom around.

Later, I was reaching in the oven to take out a pumpkin pie and singing, "Deep down in Louisiana, close to New Orleans, way back up in the woods among the evergreens…" as I shook my hips. When I straightened and turned around to leave the pie on the cooling racks spread out on the island, I caught sight of Edward's bronze hair and his back as he disappeared from the doorway. I blushed deeply as I wondered how long he'd been standing there watching, but I just shrugged and bit my bottom lip, hoping he'd at least liked what he'd seen.

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, Charlie arrived just before noon, stepping into the kitchen to say hello. I hugged him tightly, my head resting on his chest the way it had for years now. He cleared his throat and awkwardly patted my back while I smiled at the familiar gesture. When I pulled away, he reached out his hand to shake Mama Hale's, but she swatted it away – like always – and pulled him close to hug him.

He was blushing a bit when they parted, huffing and pulling at his mustache as he thanked her for inviting him. She waved her hand dismissively. "You know you're always welcome here, Charlie…you don't have to wait on an invitation."

There was a sudden rush of bodies as people fluttered about the kitchen, picking up dishes and carrying them into the dining room to put them on the sideboard. The room was too hot, leaving a light layer of sweat on my skin as I tugged at my shirt. The fragrance of cinnamon and spice was nearly overwhelming, adding to the bustle to create that subtle difference in the atmosphere that made Thanksgiving.

Jasper and Alice took plates from the cupboard, and Rosalie followed them into the dining room with a basket of silverware. I heard grunts from Emmett and Charlie accompanying the creak of the table as they added the leaf to seat all of us. The back door closed, bringing with it the sound of Papa Hale stomping his feet before he walked through the kitchen and greeted Charlie.

Just as I fully realized the one voice that was missing, I heard its gentle melody behind me. "Bella?"

I turned around, and Edward smiled as soon as our eyes met, walking toward me. I reached out, taking his hand as I whispered, "Ready to meet my dad?"

His eyes widened as he took a deep breath, and I bit my bottom lip to hide the grin I felt when I realized he was nervous. I wasn't, for some reason. Maybe it was because I really had no experience here – not since I was a young teenager, anyway – but I just thought that Charlie and Edward would get along. I loved them both, and they had a lot in common, so I really didn't see any reason to be worried.

He nodded finally, and I laced my fingers through his, nodding in return. He led me into the dining room and stopped just inside the door. Charlie was joking with Jasper, the two of them laughing about something as Jasper punched his shoulder.

"Dad?" He didn't seem to hear me, their louder voices drowning me out. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hey, Dad?"

Still nothing.

Emmett and Papa Hale had joined in now. I glanced up at Edward, who shrugged down at me. I sighed. "Charlie!"

Conversation halted completely, the only sounds those of Alice's voice asking Mama Hale if she needed any more help in the kitchen. I hadn't realized how loud my voice could be.

"What is it, Bells?" he asked, still looking away, and I caught sight of Jasper grinning at me. Just then, Charlie's head turned, and his eyes narrowed as he took in the sight of me holding Edward's hand. He knew about Edward, knew I was dating him, but I think the proof was a little bit different.

My mouth was dry, and suddenly, _I _was nervous. "Oh, umm…I just wanted to introduce you to Edward…" I stood there like a complete moron, not knowing what to do, but thankfully, Edward squeezed my hand and then dropped it as he stepped forward.

"Chief Swan?" He held out his hand, and Charlie shook it, his eyes focused on Edward's face. "I'm Edward Cullen…it's nice to meet you."

I watched as my father held onto my boyfriend's hand, the two of them frozen as Charlie's eyes narrowed even further. They were nearly slits when he finally shook Edward's hand once more and then dropped it. "Call me Charlie."

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding as conversations sprang up again. Charlie nodded to Edward before he ducked into the kitchen. I heard a whistling noise and reached over, hitting Jasper in the chest with the back of my hand.

"What?" he asked a little too sweetly.

"Don't think I don't recognize that shit," I hissed.

"What are you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes. "Western standoff music? You might want to be a little more obvious."

Jasper finally cracked a grin and chuckled, unable to keep up his innocent facade any longer. By then, Edward had returned to my side, his eyes widening as he shrugged.

"I guess that went okay…" He sounded more uncertain than I'd ever heard him.

I smiled at him brightly. "You did great." I lifted up on my toes, kissing his cheek as I murmured in his ear, "Charlie's not really one for talking…"

Beside us, Jasper muttered something under his breath. I frowned at him. "What?"

He shrugged and sighed. "Just said he's not really a man of _that_ few words." He clapped Edward on the shoulder. "Sorry, man, but there's something else coming."

Edward grimaced and ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. I slipped my arm around his waist, reassuring him that it would be fine.

Alice came through the archway then, a bowl of cranberry sauce in her hands as she led Rosalie and the others into the dining room. The air was filled with excited chatter as we all took our seats around the table, everyone falling into comfortable conversation as the next hour passed quickly in a blur of turkey and gravy and too much talk about football and shopping.

I was seated between Charlie and Edward. My dad was quiet as always, making comments here and there, but as usual, it took Jasper to really draw him out.

"So what do you think of the Mariners' off-season acquisitions?" Jasper leaned back in his chair, rubbing his belly as he put his napkin on the table.

Charlie's eyes lit up at once, and he launched into one of the longest speeches he'd make all year – part-tirade, part-praise as he dissected each of the trades his favorite baseball team had made. He and Jasper argued at times, and I was picking at my dessert, not really listening, when I heard Edward's animated voice join in. He was arguing passionately against something Jasper said, and Charlie was sputtering beside me. I glanced over to see him opening and closing his mouth before, finally, he said, "Damn right, Edward. See, Jasper, what you're forgetting is…"

I tuned what he was actually saying out, beaming at Edward, who didn't notice as he jabbed his finger at the tabletop, emphasizing his point. Alice caught my eye across the table and grinned, subtly flashing me a thumbs up. To be honest, I hadn't known Edward was so into baseball. I knew he liked it, but of all the many things we'd talked about, that one really hadn't come up much – so I was both surprised and completely amused as I listened to the three of them debate. A few of the others joined in from time-to-time, but those three monopolized the majority of the main conversation as we finished eating.

Rosalie and Papa Hale welcomed Emmett into their discussion about the car show in Seattle a couple of weeks earlier. It turned out that Rosalie and Papa Hale had gone together while Emmett had been there alone. Rosalie smiled at her dad as he told Emmett he was more than welcome to go with them next time.

Alice was filling Mama Hale in on the after-Thanksgiving plans she and Edward had, and I listened, piping up occasionally, though I mostly sat with a vague sense of melancholy that lifted whenever I caught sight of Edward, Charlie, and Jasper talking so freely.

Biting my bottom lip, I played idly with my napkin, knowing that Jasper was right. No matter how well things were going at the moment, Charlie had something on his mind.

And he was never one for tact.

After everyone had had their fill of dinner and dessert, we all pitched in to take the dishes to the kitchen. The boys sent us out again, this time with Emmett taking the lead as he kissed Mama Hale on the cheek and told her a meal that divine called for some relaxation for the cooks. He ruffled my hair as he said, "So you ladies just go do whatever it is you feel like doing – you know, knitting or gossiping or giving your car a tune-up…" He winked at Rosalie.

Mama Hale tried to protest, but Papa Hale took the platter she was carrying from her hands and put it on the counter, wrapping his arms around her. "Now, Caroline…" he murmured before he leaned closer, whispering to her and then placing a gentle kiss on her temple. When he pulled away, she smiled up at him and then gave a slight nod, her hands fluttering up to tuck a stray lock of hair back into her bun.

As soon as we walked into the living room, the other three women made themselves comfortable. Mama Hale sat in her favorite armchair, pulling her knitting from the basket beside her as she talked to Alice, who was sitting in the loveseat Edward and I had claimed last night. Rosalie was flipping through channels, muttering to herself as she looked for something.

I sighed, realizing that the time was perfect for me to do the one thing I dreaded every holiday. It was time for me to call my mom and wish her a happy Thanksgiving. "I'll be right back," I muttered, pulling my phone from my jeans pocket.

I walked through the kitchen, unable to stop the smile on my lips when I saw the guys all busy cleaning up. Charlie was still talking, leaning against the island as he took a drink from his bottle of beer. Edward glanced over his shoulder as he loaded plates in the dishwasher, nodding. He smiled when he saw me, and I gave a little wave before I went out the back door.

The Hales' back porch was wide with several rocking chairs scattered around. A white porch swing was against the far end, and I walked to it as I scrolled through the phone book and punched the button for Renee's number.

I sat down on the swing, pushing myself slowly with my feet as I bit my thumbnail nervously. My eyes roamed the backyard, but I wasn't really seeing the familiar giant trees with the tree house where I'd spent so many hours as a kid. I exhaled heavily as I heard the click when Renee answered on the third ring.

"Bella?" Her voice was a little breathless.

"Hi, Mom." I tried to keep my voice cheerful and pleasant, but I could feel the familiar tension knotting my stomach.

"Bella! You just caught me cooking…" I began to relax slightly as my mother prattled on, telling me about a new recipe for a squash casserole she'd tried that ended up being some sort of over-baked gelatinous goo when she forgot to set the timer on the oven. She'd smoked herself out of the kitchen, and it had just aired out enough for them to finish making their Thanksgiving dinner.

I felt a pang of regret as I listened to her cheery voice and thought of her all alone there. I knew she had her husband – and I was glad – but part of the reason I hated calling on holidays was that I always felt like I should be there…and yet, the thought of actually going made me cringe.

"So Bella, baby, how are you doing? How's Jasper? Edward?"

"Hmm?" I shook myself with a start, realizing I'd missed most of what she'd said. "Oh…I'm good." I filled her in on most everything that was going on with me and Jasper. I avoided going into too much detail about Edward – she had a way of hearing so much more than I said, and she was always fucking right, which was irritating and unnerving.

"How long have you two been dating now?" she pushed, and I bit my bottom lip, trying to keep my jaw from clenching.

"Just a few weeks," I said. My voice was flippant as I tried to make her believe this was not a big deal. I hated the distance between us now, and there had been so many times over the years that I'd tried to make myself confide in her, but…

"Sweetie, I know you don't want to hear this, but I just wanted to say how proud I am of you. You're doing so well this time, and I-"

"Mom." My voice was hard, cutting her off at once.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean…"

I sighed, suddenly tired as I ran my hand across my eyes and leaned back in the swing, staring blankly at the ceiling. "I know…"

_Here it comes_.

I swallowed hard, vague memories of James skirting the edge of my mind as I wondered what, exactly, she would say this time.

There was another pause – one I considered filling with _"Okay, Mom, well, I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving! I love you! Bye!"_ – but I couldn't. For whatever reason, she_ needed_ to tell me how sorry she was, and I just couldn't deny her that. It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself…so I did what little I could to alleviate the pain she felt.

After all, if it was anyone's fault, it was mine.

When I heard her take a breath, I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could just not hear what was coming. Her voice cracked when she spoke, evidence of the emotion she tried to keep out of it. "Sweetheart, I wish…I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could just take it all away and make it so it never happened. You have no idea how terrible I feel, how much I wish I'd just checked on you in your room…"

Her voice continued, each word tearing at that not-really-healed wound that seemed to cover my entire chest. My hand was on my sternum as I worked to breathe evenly, trying not to sob as I listened to her name each of the things she wished she could change. Every single one of them was something that _I_ had done. I was the one who snuck out. All she'd done is trust me – and I'd let her down.

Finally, she wound down after getting it all off her chest. I made it through the last minute or two of the conversation sounding relatively normal. I could hear the tears in my voice, the way it was choked, and I knew she could as well – but she was at a loss as to how to fix it from such a distance.

"I love you, baby." Her voice was soft and sincere, and I felt my frown as my face tightened, the tears threatening to fall.

"I love you, too, Mom," I managed. As soon as she said goodbye, I hung up the phone and tossed it to the ground, burying my face in my hands.

I don't know how long I sat there, incoherent but not really crying, before I felt hands on my shoulders as someone sighed.

"Come here, silly girl…" Jasper's voice was gruff as he pulled me up and wrapped me in his arms. My own arms slipped around his waist, my head resting on his chest just below his shoulder as he swayed with me slowly. His hand was gently caressing my hair, running from the back of my head down my back before he'd start over again. He whispered to me softly, words of encouragement and understanding that calmed me.

"Bella? Are you alright?" I raised my head when I heard Edward's soft, tentative voice. Jasper held my gaze, silently asking, _Are you _really _okay?_

I nodded at him with a small smile, and he kissed my forehead, nodding in return, before he dropped his arms. He turned away as my eyes sought out Edward, finding him standing in the doorway looking mildly uncomfortable. Jasper patted his shoulder as he passed by him, going into the kitchen and closing the door.

Edward watched me for a minute before I took a step toward him, and then it seemed like he was instantly at my side, fingers caressing my face as his strong arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. I inhaled, closing my eyes with a soft smile as I caught a hint of sandalwood and vanilla. My arms were wrapped around him, holding him tightly when his forefinger under my chin tilted my face up to meet his. He kissed me tenderly, his lips pressed against mine until I finally smiled, and then he pulled away.

He was gazing down at me, his eyes dark malachite rather than the lighter emerald they usually were. I could see countless questions within them, and I reached up, tracing his lips as I said quietly, "I'm fine, really…"

"What happened?" His brow knitted together.

With a sigh, I tried to explain. "I just…I had to call my mom. She sort of blames herself for…well, for everything, and I don't, but she just…apologizes a lot…" I realized as I was speaking how stupid it sounded and frowned. "I know that doesn't make any sense."

A small smile flitted across his lips before he sighed as well. "No, I think I get it…" He leaned down again, placing a gentle kiss on my lips as he said, "I'm sorry you had to do that."

I shrugged and gave a half-smile. "It's fine, really. I just wish I knew how to really make her understand that it's not her fault so she'll quit apologizing all the fucking time." I heard the completely ungrateful, bitter tone in my voice and closed my eyes, leaning forward and burying my face in Edward's chest to stop the flow of words.

His hands traced the lines of my face and stroked my hair, so very like Jasper's but the feeling was totally different. Jasper could make me feel completely at ease just like this, but he had never set my pulse racing the way Edward could. I inhaled deeply, smiling as my shoulders relaxed, and I felt the tension draining away.

After a moment longer, I looked up at him. "Feeling a little better?" His voice was soft, and a smile appeared on his face at my nod. I took a step back, reaching up to pull my hair from its bun. As I was running my fingers through my hair, Edward bent down. When he stood again, he handed me my phone and then held out his hand. I stuck the phone in my pocket and slipped my hand into his, letting him lead me back into the house without another word.

There, we found everyone piled in the living room, where the game was underway. Dallas was already up seven to nothing. Edward winked and nodded at Emmett, who rolled his eyes and grumbled, cheering as Hasselbeck completed a pass to Branch. As Edward and I were settling into our seats, though, the Seahawks fumbled and Dallas recovered while the room erupted in curses.

I sighed, running my fingers through Edward's hair. He was sitting on the floor in front of me, and I had one leg tucked under me, the other hanging down by his side as I leaned against the arm of the couch. His fingers idly caressed my foot, tickling me occasionally through my sock as we watched the game. Charlie was sitting on the other end of the couch, alternately crossing his arms over his chest with a huff when he glanced at us and screaming at the TV as if the players could actually hear him.

He wasn't the only one, though. I was amused to no end as I realized throughout the first half that all of us had a tendency to scream. By the time half-time rolled around, the Seahawks were down twenty-four to six, and we were all red-faced. When Tony Romo took a knee to end the half, there was a collective groan as people began standing and stretching. Everyone began to scatter, heading to the bathroom or to get a drink while the half-time show played. Charlie and Papa Hale were talking, carrying on a lively discussion about the Dallas defense when Edward tilted his head back to look up at me.

"Want anything to drink?" he asked.

"Sure." I smiled when he hopped up and held his hand out to me. We walked to the kitchen, where the silence seemed deafening; I was surprised to find it deserted. I leaned against the counter while Edward went to the fridge.

"Beer?" He glanced over his shoulder.

"Sounds perfect, thanks…"

He pulled two bottles out and then looked around with a frown.

"That drawer." I pointed, and he nodded, grinning his thanks. When he'd opened them both, he dropped the bottle opener back in the drawer and closed it with his hip, walking over to hand one of the frosty bottles to me.

I took a small sip only to notice that he hadn't touched his. He was watching me with a small smile on his lips. When I lowered my bottle, my tongue instinctively licked the last of the beer from my lips before I set my bottle on the counter. "What is it?"

He put his bottle beside mine and then stepped closer, placing his hands on my hips as he stopped only an inch or two away from me. "You…it was very…" He paused as if unsure how to say something. I slipped my arms around his waist, pulling him to me to close the distance between us. He smiled down at me before he finally cleared his throat and continued. "It was just very…nice…to watch you watching the game."

I arched an eyebrow, and he ducked his head, blushing faintly. "You're fucking beautiful anyway, but when you're all…passionate like that, I…" He shrugged, his thumbs rubbing against my hipbones.

I blushed as well, glancing away, and we both looked back at the same time. I bit my bottom lip as he leaned closer, and I inhaled just as his lips met mine. My eyes drifted closed as I gave a quiet sigh, my hands drifting up his back to pull him even closer.

"Ahem." The sound of someone clearing his throat made both our heads pop up as we turned to look at the doorway. Charlie was standing there, his eyes intent on me before he broke our gaze and walked to the refrigerator. He pulled out a beer, opening it with the bottle opener before slamming the drawer with a little too much force. He leaned back against the counter across the kitchen, crossing one arm over his chest as the other lifted his beer to his lips.

"Hi, Dad." I somehow refrained from rolling my eyes as some of the stupidest words ever escaped my lips. I felt like I was twelve and had been caught sneaking a kiss with my boyfriend. It was utterly ridiculous.

Still, the look on Charlie's face didn't lessen the feeling any. One eyebrow was raised as he tilted his beer back once more, taking a long drink while his eyes slid away from me and came to rest on Edward. He cleared his throat again as he lowered the bottle, crossing both arms over his chest. "So. Edward. I think we need to talk."

My eyes narrowed when Edward started to pull away from me. I kept my hands tight around his waist, holding him so he couldn't move. "Why?"

A smile ghosted across Edward's lips as he reached back and pulled my hands away. He kissed my forehead and murmured, "It's fine, Bella," before raising his voice and turning to face Charlie. "Yes, sir, that's probably a good idea. Did you want to talk here?"

Charlie glanced around the kitchen and then shook his head. "Back porch."

My eyes were growing wider by the second, and when he spoke, I stood up straight. "Wait." I didn't even know how to voice my alarm. Images of saloons and pine caskets and Western standoffs flitted through my mind.

_Fucking Jasper._

Chuckling, Charlie said, "Hell, Bella, I'm not going to kill him." His eyes shifted to Edward again. "I do mean to be frank with him though."

That didn't help me relax any, and I frowned at my father as I reached out, taking Edward's hand.

"Look, you can come along if you want. I don't care if you want to hear what I have to say. But I'll leave that up to the two of you." He took another drink of his beer and pushed away from the counter. "I'll be out back."

Without another glance at us, he walked through the back door. Silence reigned in the kitchen as Edward and I turned to look at each other. "Guess I better get out there." Edward's voice was confident, and I studied him closely, trying to determine if there was any uncertainty in his eyes. "It's…it's up to you. I mean, if you want to come or not." His eyes were guarded, and he seemed tense as he waited for my answer.

"Good…then I'm coming."

He gave me a sad smile I didn't understand, studying me before he finally nodded. He stood up a little straighter, squaring his shoulders as he ran his fingers through his hair. The only word I could find to describe his expression was…resigned. He squeezed my hand once before he turned and led the way outside.

When we walked out onto the porch, Charlie was propped against the railing, his ankles crossed in front of him with his familiar brown boots on his feet. His arms were again across his chest, and without the change in scenery, it would've been impossible to tell he'd moved at all. His eyes were only for Edward, and I felt like an intruder as I took in the intensity between the two of them. I gently pulled my hand from Edward's and went to sit in one of the rockers off to the side.

Without preamble, Charlie said, "So how do you feel about my daughter?"

I watched Edward's shoulders rise and fall as he breathed evenly. I could feel his desire to glance at me, but he kept his eyes focused on my father as he said simply, "I love her."

Charlie watched him, taking a small sip of his beer before he reached out, putting the bottle on the railing. "Alright, so here's the deal. I hear nothing but good things about you. Jasper trusts you, and that says a lot." At last, his gaze broke from Edward's as he glanced over at me. "Bella trusts you, and that says even more."

I sat there, waiting for the rest, but he just…left it there.

I saw the way Edward's fingers twitched at his side, likely wanting to go to his pockets the way he stood when he was feeling defensive. That wasn't the image in my mind though. Oh, no. My mind was filled with a vision of the sun lowering on the horizon as tumbleweeds rolled by and he stared down my father.

Edward was the first to draw. "But you don't."

It was Charlie who fired the fatal shot. "No, I don't." Edward's shoulders fell ever-so-slightly, and my heart ached for him. Before I could decide what to say, though, Charlie breathed new life into us both. "Not yet, anyway."

Again, Edward's fingers moved, but his hands stayed by his side as he said, "May I ask why?" His tone was polite, but I heard the strain beneath it.

I was surprised when Charlie's posture relaxed, his shoulders slumping much like Edward's had. He scrubbed his face with his hands, and I was sure I heard a muttered, "Fuck," before he lowered his hands again, resting them on the railing on either side of his hips. His face was weathered and lined, and I realized for the first time just how…tired he looked. How worn. "Look, I don't trust anyone with her anymore. Not even her own mother."

Edward's jaw tightened as I watched the debate rage on his face. Finally, he lifted his chin slightly and said, "That's not true. You trust Jasper."

I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut when I saw Charlie's head drop, his face hidden from me while his thumbs rubbed deliberately along the railing. His voice was gruff as he attempted to disguise his pain. "I have to. Without him, I'd never have gotten my daughter back."

They were both still for a moment as I watched the fight leave them. Edward's hands rubbed his face just like Charlie's had, and then he ran his fingers through his hair. My father's face lifted, his eyes meeting Edward's as mutual understanding passed between them. Edward nodded once, his Adam's apple bobbing slowly as he swallowed. Charlie gave a small half-smile as he nodded in return, and then he stood, crossing the porch.

As he passed by Edward, he reached out, clapping him on the shoulder before he glanced over at me. His eyes were a confusing jumble of emotions, and I couldn't make any of them out before he turned away again, disappearing through the door into the kitchen.

When I looked back at Edward, his brow was furrowed as he watched Charlie leave. I stood and walked over to him, putting my arm around his waist. He glanced down at me with a half-hearted smile, and I felt one corner of my lips lift as I squeezed him tighter, reaching up to rub between his shoulder blades.

I wanted to tell him it was okay, that Charlie would come around, but the words died on my lips as I realized I had no idea how long it would take Charlie to accept Edward – or if he ever would. Instead, I lifted onto my toes and kissed his cheek. He cupped my cheek, kissing me gently, and then he ran his fingers through his hair and nodded to himself, as if he'd come to some sort of conclusion.

"You okay?" he murmured softly, and my smile became genuine. Of _course_ he would be more worried about me.

I shook my head in disbelief as I took his face between my hands and pulled him down, kissing him deeply. I tried to let him know everything I was feeling – the awe and contentment I felt whenever I truly realized that he loved me – and he returned my kiss earnestly. When we parted, I nodded and asked if he was okay.

He licked his bottom lip as he thought for a moment and then nodded. "I'll be fine. I wish…" He shrugged and gave a small sigh. "I wish I could do something to change how he felt, but I guess it's just going to take time…" I wrinkled my nose, and he grinned at me, leaning down to kiss it. Against my skin, he murmured, "Time, and a whole lot of having me around."

"Well, _I_ like the sound of that…" I closed the distance between us again as I spoke, and after we'd shared a few more sweet kisses, Edward led us back inside. We were immediately greeted with the sound of shouting from the living room, and when we walked through the door, our friends were already red-faced and yelling.

Charlie had scooted closer to one end of the couch, and he nodded at us as we walked in the room. His dark eyes followed Edward, who took a seat at the other end, and I sat beside him, curling up with one foot beneath me. He put his arm around my shoulders, his fingers idly stroking my upper arm as we watched the game.

By the time the Seahawks lost thirty-four to nine, we were all hoarse and disappointed. Chatter about the game filled my ears as Charlie stood with a groan, stretching his arms over his head as he arched his back. That was always the signal that he was about to leave, so I leaned over, whispering in Edward's ear, "I'm going to walk my dad out…be right back." I kissed his cheek, and he nodded, standing up and turning to face Charlie.

They shook hands cordially, and it was almost as if the whole exchange on the porch had never happened. I knew both of them well enough, though, to know that was an illusion.

After my dad made his rounds saying goodbye – and his arms had been filled with containers of leftovers from Mama Hale – I walked him out to the cruiser. I was wearing a thin fleece jacket that the wind seemed to cut straight through, making me shiver despite the bright sunshine just dipping behind the tops of the towering trees. My hands were in my pockets as I walked beside Charlie, looking down at the ground.

When we reached his car, he opened the door to stick the leftovers inside and then turned to face me, his hand holding onto the top of the door. We watched each other, me biting my bottom lip while he tugged on his mustache, before he finally sighed and closed the door, spreading his arms. A smile flickered on my lips as I walked the few steps to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

He awkwardly patted my back, kissing the top of my head as I smiled into his chest. "You look good, Bells." His voice was gruff and low. "Better than you have in years."

When we parted, he pulled at his mustache again before he cleared his throat. "Look…if you trust Edward, I'm going to try my best. Can't make any promises though."

My smile was wide as I nodded, unsure of what to say. I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering. Charlie stepped forward and rubbed my upper arms, looking at me seriously. "Just…take it easy, alright? You just met the guy."

Gazing up at him, I suddenly felt like a child again, his warm brown eyes looking directly into my matching ones. I could see several emotions lurking in his eyes, but the one that struck me the most was…fear. I cleared my throat to find my voice, nodding before I said quietly, "I will. Promise."

Charlie dropped his hands, assuming an air of mock-sternness. "And don't be such a stranger. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to call once in awhile."

I frowned up at him for a moment, trying to determine the best way to answer him. I knew he was partially joking – but only partially.

_Honesty_.

With an internal sigh, I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I decided to try Edward's strategy. "Dad…you should know that I want to call more often…and I would. If you'd lay off the Jake thing." His eyes widened in confusion as I reached up, looking down at my fingers playing with the ends of my hair. "I'm not going to get into all of it…" I grimaced at the thought of telling him what Jake had said. "But it's just not going to happen. I'm not going to date Jake. Ever. So just…you know…get over it." I glanced up at him as I said the last, giving him a wry grin.

He narrowed his eyes at me for a moment and then sighed dramatically. "So I guess I should call Billy and tell him to cancel the reservations at the Lodge for the reception?"

I rolled my eyes, punching him lightly in the stomach. He doubled over, clutching it, before he stood up straight and grinned at me. We hugged again, and this time his hand gently stroked my hair as he said softly, "Seriously? Jake was the problem?"

My shoulders lifted once as I gave a short, ironic laugh. "Yeah, Jake's the problem."

"Good to know," was all he said as he squeezed me once more. We said our goodbyes, and I promised to call him sooner this time; then he got into his cruiser and pulled away.

As I opened the front door, the soft strains of piano music put a smile on my face. I found myself tiptoeing as I walked down the hallway and to the little-used sitting room. Mama and Papa Hale entertained there when they had friends over, but it had always been off-limits to us as kids, and it seemed shrouded in mystery and reverence even now.

When I reached the wide archway, I peered around the corner and watched Edward sitting on the piano bench, his wild hair waving with the motion of his arms as his fingers deftly maneuvered over the keys. His bottom lip was between his teeth, his brow furrowed in concentration, and there was a look of utter passion and abandon on his face. His eyes were focused on the movement of his hands, his body rocking slightly as he reached along the keyboard.

I was vaguely aware of the others sitting on the couches spread around the room, but I had eyes only for Edward as I finally took the few remaining steps through the archway. I couldn't move any further, so mesmerized was I by the sight before me. It was reminiscent of when he played the guitar, but he seemed more…free. More absorbed.

Putting my hands behind my back, I leaned against the doorframe and drank up the sights and sounds filling the room. I was frustrated that I didn't recognize the song he was playing, beautiful though it was. It seemed to be a classical composition, which had never been of interest to me. My mother played CDs of classical music around the house, and she'd tried to teach me as a child – prattling on about composers and conductors and symphonies – but it wasn't until I heard Edward play that I felt the first stirring of a desire to learn.

The desire to learn wasn't the only desire I felt, though. I bit my bottom lip, inhaling lightly through my nose as I felt a strange fluttering in my stomach.

As I watched, his face relaxed into a beatific smile as his eyes drifted closed. The song morphed into a series of simple notes, and I listened closely, hoping I would recognize this new melody. I felt slightly disappointed when I didn't, but I found I couldn't feel down while watching Edward play.

His lips were parted, his tongue moistening them when the simple melody was suddenly fuller, chords interweaving to create a more complex song, and the words flooded my mind.

_The long and winding road _

_That leads to your door_

_Will never disappear_

_I've seen that road before_

I smiled to myself as he continued to play, his music the only sounds in the room. After hearing him sing that night at his apartment, I could just imagine the way his voice would dance over the notes, caressing each word.

We all watched him in silence, and as the song came to a close, his hands stilled on the keys, his head lifting and his eyes opening as he turned his head, looking for me. We smiled at each other across the room, and Mama Hale was the first to speak. "Thank you so much, dear! That was beautiful…you certainly are talented."

Edward's cheeks flushed a light pink as he thanked her, and he was just so fucking cute that I wanted to kiss him. I pushed away from the wall, but before I could take a step, Emmett said, "Oh, you know you're not done. Play it."

Edward raised an eyebrow at him.

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Yeah, play it," Alice piped up.

Edward made a face and glanced around at all of us, but if he was seeking support, he was looking in the wrong place. We were all too intrigued. "Play what?" I asked Emmett.

"He knows," was the cryptic reply.

Popping his knuckles, Edward rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, but I caught the grin just before he lowered his head and began to play. When I heard the first notes, I giggled, but that was nothing compared to Alice's voice saying, "Yo V.I.P., let's kick it!"

My laughter was drowned out by the others, and I watched, wide-eyed, as Alice and Emmett sang together. They seemed to have some sort of routine – I saw them move their shoulders the same way, nearly dancing in their seats. Jasper and Rosalie were both staring at them in amusement, mouths hanging open, eyebrows lifted, making them look more like twins than usual.

By the time Emmett said, "Yo, man, let's get outta here...word to ya motha…" and Alice crossed her arms over her chest, Jasper was nearly hyperventilating, and Rosalie's face was turning red. They hadn't missed a word, and Edward had even joined in, calling out the words of the backup singers.

We were giggling together when Jasper wrapped Alice in a tight hug and said, "How long have you guys been doing that?" through his laughter.

She glanced over her shoulder at Emmett, furrowing her brow, and he shrugged as he said, "A few years…started when Eddie there was playing 'Under Pressure' at Christmas one year."

Edward rolled his eyes again, muttering, "Don't call me Eddie," under his breath as he stood and lowered the cover on the keyboard. Everyone began talking at once, carrying on different conversations at Mama Hale walked over to give Edward a hug. She thanked him again, and his smile was genuine as he thanked her for letting him play.

She waved her hand dismissively, saying, "Please, dear, it was our pleasure…" She kept her arm around his waist as she steered him from the room. Everyone followed in their wake, and I waited until the room was empty before I brought up the rear. Edward glanced back over his shoulder, looking for me as Mama Hale talked, and I smiled, lifting my hand to wave at him.

We were ushered into the dining room, where Rosalie helped Mama Hale bring the deserts to the table. Edward pulled out a chair for me, kissing my cheek before I sat down, and I realized that I was plotting…I _had_ to have some time alone with him before he left. There was really no other option.

I plotted the whole time we enjoyed our pie and chatted – the smile on my face was real, but my mind was working, looking for the right time to slip away. I knew it wouldn't be while Mama and Papa Hale were still awake, so I pushed it to the back of my mind as we all played cards together. It was really enjoyable to be with them again, and I focused on that, loving the way they were getting to know Edward and the others.

By the time the older Hales went to bed, it seemed like we had always been together – all eight of us. There was no awkwardness, no one person who seemed to be on the outside. In truth, I felt more like _I_ belonged than I had at times in the past when Jasper and Rosalie had brought home their dates.

The time still wasn't right for me to get Edward alone, so I played board games and drank beer as we all hung out. By the time I'd had several beers, I was feeling a little light-headed when I walked down the hallway to go to the restroom. We'd just finished playing _Risk Godstorm_, where Jasper and Edward had totally obliterated the rest of us, and I checked the clock on my phone as I made my way through my room.

_9:53._

Close, but not quite close enough. I stumbled once, catching my toe on the corner of my suitcase as I decided it was time for me to stop drinking for the night. Otherwise, there would be little point in time alone with Edward anyway, as I'd just pass out cold.

After using the restroom and washing my hands, I was passing through my room again when I remembered my camera. I unzipped my suitcase, pulling out the small digital camera my mom had sent for my birthday last year. I'd meant to take some pictures of us earlier in the day, but I definitely didn't want Edward to leave before I had at least one of us together, whether or not I was red-faced and slightly drunk in it.

I returned to the living room to find Alice setting up _Cranium_. Thoughts of getting Edward to myself fled my mind as my eyes sought Jasper. He grinned at me broadly, flashing a thumbs up at me.

"Oh, hell no." Rosalie's voice was resolute, and Jasper and I both frowned at her. We'd switched up partners throughout the night, and the two of us had yet to play together.

"Why not?" I asked petulantly just as Alice asked what we were talking about.

"Bella and Jasper aren't allowed to be on the same team." Rosalie arched an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest as she stood with one hip poked out.

"That's not fair!" Jasper complained as I joined him, voicing our protests loudly.

Rose grinned, wiggling her fingers at us. "Not a chance. You two don't get to work your little voodoo tonight." I muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes while Jasper sighed and crossed his arms. We were acting like children, but damn it, this was our favorite game. We couldn't help it if we were damn good together.

Eventually we decided to play as couples, and we all settled around the coffee table. I gave my camera to Alice, asking her to take some pictures of everyone, and the night was punctuated with the flash as she took her job very seriously.

Edward was sitting in the armchair, which he offered to me, but I refused, sitting in the floor between his legs. I rested my cheek against his knee, smiling lazily as he ran his fingers through my hair.

_Soon._

A few rounds passed by in a blur, all of us having a relatively easy time, until it was Jasper and Alice's turn again. I reached over, taking the camera from Alice as Jasper read the card with a grin and stood, running his fingers though his hair as he waited for Rosalie to start the timer. As soon as she flipped it, he tucked his elbows into the side and held his hands away from his body, thumbs out as he shook his shoulders and his hips. I giggled and then took a look at his face. His tongue was stuck out as he danced, and I knew the answer instantly.

_Tongue and groove_.

I covered my mouth, half-fearful that I'd said it aloud, but Alice was staring at Jasper with her mouth hanging open, completely perplexed. I shook my head, snapping a few pictures of Jasper dancing and Alice staring at him like he'd lost his mind. Emmett was cracking up, his head thrown back as he laughed, and I heard Edward's quiet chuckle from behind me. Alice frowned, tilting her head as she watched him.

"Howard the Duck?" she guessed, and we all burst out laughing. Her shoulders shook as she tried not to giggle, and Jasper just danced all the harder, lifting one foot as he did the Twist.

Mercifully, the sand in the timer finally ran down, and I blurted out, "Tongue and groove!"

Jasper laughed, holding up his hand for a high five. I giggled as our hands slapped, and I saw Alice shaking her head, dumbfounded. "How the hell did you know that?"

I shrugged and heard Rosalie mutter, "Fucking voodoo," under her breath.

"I love you, darlin', but where in the world did Howard the Duck come from?" Jasper murmured as he settled in beside Alice again. She giggled, kissing him instead of answering, and I looked away to watch Rosalie and Emmett take their turn.

They had to draw, and Rose decided to take it, picking up the card and reading the back. She snorted and nodded at me as she picked up the pencil. Alice held out her hand, and I gave the camera back to her, immediately blinded by the flash as she snapped a picture.

As soon as I started the timer, Rosalie made a few swipes with the pencil, creating two curves side-by-side. Before I could begin to guess, Emmett called out, "Tire!"

The corner of Rose's lips lifted in a half-smile as she moved her pencil over, drawing in a blank part of the page. She quickly sketched a circle, putting a dot in the middle and then drawing a line from the dot to the edge. "Radius!" was Emmett's immediate answer. I glanced at him, somewhat amazed, and saw him wrinkle his forehead before he grinned. "Radial tire!"

"Oh, come on!" Edward's voice was the loudest, but we were all playfully protesting, teasing the two of them about cheating. Jasper muttered something about seeing who had the voodoo now, and the game continued for awhile longer as the lead passed back and forth.

Finally, Edward and I were on our last turn with a chance to win the game if we got it right – and, more importantly, the chance for me to get him alone when the game ended.

It was one of the charades ones where you have to impersonate a celebrity, and Edward took it, standing as he held out his hand for the card. A wicked little grin lit up his face as soon as he read the name on the back, and he nodded to Emmett, who started the timer. He immediately assumed a cocky demeanor, pointing his finger at me with his thumb up like he was holding a gun. His voice was low and raspy as he squinted his eyes and said, "Go ahead. Make my day."

I knew I should know it, but my mind was a complete blank as my body seemed to respond to the confidence he was exuding.

_Jeeesus._

"John Wayne?" I didn't need Jasper and Emmett's laughter to let me know my answer wasn't right. A smile flashed across Edward's face before he schooled himself, clearing his throat as he narrowed his eyes and tried again.

"You've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

I felt a tingling deep in my stomach at the sound of that cocky voice again, and suddenly it hit me. "Oh! Clint Eastwood!"

Edward grinned broadly and reached for me, helping me up so he could pull me into a tight hug. I heard Jasper snort behind me as he muttered, "I can't believe you won! Fucking John Wayne…"

"Yeah, yeah," I said, pulling away from Edward as I yawned. My voice was thick and strained when I spoke again, lending credibility to my words. "I'm fucking exhausted…I think I'm going to go take a nap before you guys have to leave…"

Edward's face fell, and he just looked so…heartbroken. Reaching out, I took his hand, smiling softly as I pulled him close and lifted on my toes to whisper, "You're coming too, you know."

His eyes widened, and he said, "Oh." Suddenly, he couldn't get us out of there fast enough as he started packing up the game.

Alice pulled the strap of my camera off her wrist and handed it back to me as Jasper ran his fingers through his hair and said, "A nap sounds like an excellent idea."

Emmett smirked. "Yeah, Rosie and I are gonna go make out, too."

Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs as Jasper hissed, "Want to say that shit a little louder? I'm sure my mom can find something for us all to do…"

Edward cleared his throat, saying he was really tired and that we would see them all in a few hours before he took my hand and practically pulled me down the hall. I stifled my giggle, not wanting to wake Mama Hale, but I was smiling broadly when we stepped into my room and he flipped on the light.

He murmured, "Sorry…" and looked sheepish.

I kissed him gently, saying, "Don't apologize…I've been plotting a way to get you alone all night."

"Really?" His face brightened when I nodded, and he grinned, crossing the room to sit on my bed, where he turned on my lamp. He didn't say anything else, but I felt his eyes on me as I turned out the overhead light and walked over to put my camera on the nightstand.

"Hey…" I glanced over at him when he spoke again, arching an eyebrow. "Will you send me those?"

"You want them? Really?" My voice was a little higher pitched than usual, betraying my happiness. I melted a little when he nodded, biting my bottom lip as I sat beside him. "I'll email them as soon as I get back to my computer." I frowned. "Actually…I'll see if I can borrow Rose's laptop. I know she brought it."

His fingers gently caressed my cheek, and I turned to face him, realizing at once that I was babbling during the last few hours we had together, when that was hardly the point of getting him alone. My eyes closed as I leaned toward him, our lips meeting as we both sighed softly. I smiled against his lips, shifting on the bed so that I was facing him more fully. He moved as well, and we seemed to be perfectly in sync, our tongues brushing against each other at the same time.

His hands were on my waist as he deepened the kiss, nibbling my bottom lip before he pulled away. I opened my eyes to find his still closed, his forehead pressed against mine as he said, "God, Bella…I've wanted to do that all fucking day. Do you have any idea how tempting you are?"

I felt a thrill shoot through me at his words, a slow smile spreading across my lips. My voice was low, the words barely audible when I whispered, "Do you have any idea how tempting _you_ are?"

He ducked his head, peering up at me through his lashes, and I laughed softly, putting my hands on his shoulders and pressing him back against the mattress. His eyes widened as he said, "Bella?"

I didn't answer; I just kissed him, and he responded immediately, our lips moving slowly together as we lay side-by-side. We shifted until we were lying the right way on the bed – it was a twin, so there wasn't a whole lot of room, but I sure as hell wasn't complaining.

The next hour was spent kissing and caressing, talking and laughing quietly as we reveled in being together. As anxious as I had been to get him alone, I found that I didn't want to rush anything. I enjoyed the slow pace, the way he seemed to be paying attention to every little thing I said and every small touch that passed between us. We were committing these moments to memory, and I smiled as my eyes drifted closed while his soft lips pressed against mine and I felt the faint calluses on his fingertips as he caressed my cheek.

Our disjointed conversation was sprinkled around our kisses, our discussion of Charlie and Mama Hale interrupted when we couldn't keep our lips and hands to ourselves. It turned out that Mama Hale had been sneaky, just happening to end up in the kitchen when the boys were cleaning up. She hadn't spoken to Edward directly about me – or us – but she had taken the time to get to know him a little better, and it made me smile to know she was curious. Apparently she'd had just as many questions for Emmett, and Edward smiled the whole time he was talking about her, so I assumed it went well.

He was less happy about what Charlie'd had to say to me. I felt a fluttering of apprehension as I bit my lip, working up the courage to tell him. Taking a deep breath, I let it all spill out. His eyes grew tighter when I mentioned Jake and Charlie's preference for him. I reassured Edward, telling him I truly thought my dad just needed time to get to know him, but it had to sting to know my father had been hoping I'd date someone else – _especially_ Jake.

The subject of Charlie reminded me of that strange look on Edward's face when I'd said I was coming with him to hear what my dad had to say. "Hey, so…" I trailed off, not quite sure how to bring it up.

He gave me a chaste kiss with a small smile. "What is it?"

"Well…" I kissed him in return. "I was just wondering…what were you thinking earlier? When I told you I was going to come with you to talk to Charlie?"

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he glanced away. When he looked back at me, there was a slight sadness in his eyes that made me frown. "Oh." He slowly licked his lips, debating, before he finally spoke. "I just…I know I'm not good enough for you, Bella…" When my lips parted to protest, he put his index finger over them and gave me a sad smile. "Shh…I know what you're going to say. I thought maybe Charlie was going to tell me that. I was worried he'd try to convince you, but…" He trailed off, pulling at his hair irritably. "I wouldn't hide that from you. I know what I am, and I want you to know _me_ before you decide to be with me."

My chest felt hollow, aching and somehow both empty and full to bursting at once. I started to tell him I'd already chosen to be with him, but the words died on my lips as I realized that wouldn't help – he was so damn sure there was something wrong with him. I knew words alone would never change his mind, so I decided to try to show him as well.

He was half-sitting in his agitation, and I kept my eyes focused on his as I moved, putting my hand on his shoulder and pushing him back. He didn't resist, but I hated the melancholy, almost wistful look I saw on his face. There was no reason for him to be wistful, damn it. I wanted the same thing he did, and he sure as _fuck_ was "good enough" for me.

I kept myself from rolling my eyes at that ludicrous thought, following as he lay flat on his back. My smile was shy as I climbed over him, settling my knees on either side of his hips.

"Bella…" If it was meant to be a protest or an admonition, it was weakened by the way his warm hands wrapped around my waist as his head lifted to meet mine.

Our kiss began slowly and sweetly, and I pulled back briefly to murmur, "I love _you_, Edward. You are the most patient…" I kissed his chin. "…caring…" His cheek. "…understanding man…" I nibbled his ear, smiling when I felt his fingers gripping me tighter. I continued lavishing him with well-deserved praise, my kisses growing less innocent as my body began to respond to the way his fingers caressed my ribs.

When our lips met again, he deepened the kiss at once, his tongue licking along my lower lip. I moaned softly, my hands moving to his hair just above his ears. One of his hands drifted up my back, his palm pressing against me firmly as he held me closer. I could feel his hard chest against mine, and the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around me made me squirm.

He loosened his grip at once, and I broke away just long enough to whisper, "No, don't stop," breathlessly as I tilted his chin up and kissed beneath his jaw. He moaned softly, my name tumbling from his lips as he shifted his hips. His right hand moved upward, lingering on my ribcage, where it paused.

I nodded, my hair falling over his face as I answered his unasked question, and he inhaled deeply before his fingers crept slowly upward. He took his time, his hand pressed against my side long enough for the heat of his skin to spread before he would finally move it another inch. Anticipation was building in my stomach, the funny fluttering growing stronger before I felt his thumb brush against the curve of my breast.

Inhaling sharply, I attacked his lips, kissing him furiously. I felt him smile before he returned my kiss just as eagerly. Thankfully, his hand seemed to be out of slow motion as he cupped my breast, his palm hot against my skin through my shirt as his thumb began to trace my nipple. Something deep within me clenched, and my hips moved automatically, rotating as I felt a surge of desire.

This was only the second time Edward had touched me this way, and I was surprised again by the intense reaction of my body. I didn't remember ever feeling that way before – my heart racing, my breath quickening as my body began to move of its own accord, seeking out some sort of relief.

In the back of my mind was an image of me pressed against the wall of a dusty warehouse while my hips writhed with someone else – someone whose hot breath poured over my neck. Involuntarily, I gave a little shake of my head, forcing the memory away.

_No. Not him. It's not him._

I must not have paused because Edward – ever hyperaware of my every reaction – didn't stop, didn't pull away to see if I was okay. His lips were insistent on mine, his hand kneading my breast in the most amazing way as I threw myself back into our kiss with renewed fervor.

I lost myself in the feeling of him beneath me, breathing in his heady scent as I grew light-headed. Our lips moved flawlessly together, his teeth and tongue teasing me until I was moaning softly with every panting breath.

I didn't realize my hips were writhing until I felt Edward's arm wrap low around my waist, holding me even closer to him. I gasped when I felt his hard length pressed against that most sensitive part of my body, and we both froze.

I felt Edward's eyes on my face as I swallowed hard, my own eyes closed as I tried to will away all the memories that came flooding back to me – lying on top of James, his hands pulling me roughly as he ground his erection against me painfully; his teeth biting my shoulder too hard, leaving crescent-shaped bruises; the sting of his slap when I told him no.

"Bella? Bella!" The soft, panicked voice broke through my memories, and I took a shuddering breath, the fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla washing over me.

When I opened my eyes, Edward's face was blurry, distorted by the tears I'd been unaware of. His hands were on my face, caressing my cheekbones, and I saw him relax just slightly when my eyes found his. Awkwardly, he sat up, somehow shifting me so that I was cradled in his lap as he worked to soothe me. He whispered words of comfort mixed with apologies, and I clung to him, my head resting on his shoulder.

As my fear began to fade, my frustration built until I finally sat up straighter, pushing away as I angrily scrubbed my cheeks with the backs of my hands. I just wanted to fucking _growl_.

So I did.

"Bella?" Edward's question was tentative, and I heard the pain in his voice. I turned to look at him, my left hand finding his cheek as I rubbed his cheekbone gently, much as he had mine.

"Don't," I whispered when I saw that hesitant look in his malachite eyes that seemed now to be flecked with slate – the look that told me he was pulling away. "Please. Please don't quit on me."

He frowned, his forehead wrinkling, but his voice was a little stronger, a nearly angry edge hardening it. "I would never give up on you."

I swallowed. "But you're about to tell me that's enough for tonight…" When he didn't argue, I pushed him. "Aren't you?"

He ran his fingers through my hair tenderly, following a single lock of hair all the way to the tip, where he twisted it gently between his fingers. He watched it for a moment before he looked back up at me. "I just think…maybe it's for the best. Bella, love, you're trying so hard, and I just…I…" He sighed. "Do you think you're going too far, too fast?" His words stirred the frustration I was already feeling, giving it fuel until it grew to defiance.

I would _not_ cower and hide and wait. Not anymore.

Edward was watching me with that familiar expression – patience and love and understanding…all those emotions I'd come to expect from him. I couldn't decide whether to smile or cry. In the end, I think I sort of grimaced, and he gave me a small smile in response, his thumb tracing my lower lip before he ducked his head and kissed me tenderly.

"Do you want to rest for awhile?" He was so close when he spoke that I could feel his breath wash over my lips, soft and sweet, and so utterly unlike anything I had ever known with that motherfucker James.

_I can do this. I _will _do this._

"Not yet," I said softly and then cleared my throat. His eyes tightened at my answer, and a frown flickered across my face. "What is it?"

"You try so hard for me…I just wonder what it is that _you_ want. We have time, Bella. You don't have to push yourself like this." As he finished, he kissed me softly, and there was such compassion in his voice that I nearly gave in. Now that his presence had calmed my racing heart, chasing away all vestiges of the asshole that had created the mess that was my emotional state – chasing them away for the moment, anyway – I felt tired, and it would have been so easy to curl up with him, cuddling with him and staying safe in his embrace. But "safe" wasn't all I wanted anymore. Not with him.

"Edward, this _is_ what I want. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you…all of this starting and stopping and never knowing what I'll be okay with and when. But, baby, I feel it, too – all of it. The frustration and the desire and the love and the need to just throw you down sometimes and..." I trailed off as I saw the grin spreading on his face. "What is it?"

He ducked his head, a faint blush on his cheeks as he looked at the quilt on my bed. "You just called me 'baby.'"

"I did?" I thought for a moment, feeling my eyebrows pulling together. "Oh, yeah, I did…" I grinned, biting my bottom lip as I shrugged. "I don't know where that came from, but I kind of like it."

"So do I," he said quietly, leaning over to kiss me, taking my bottom lip between his. When he pulled away, he sighed. "I get it, Bella…I do. I'm trying my best. I just don't know what to do sometimes, you know?"

I smiled, nodding slightly. "I do…I have the same problem, you know." I nudged his shoulder playfully. "We just have to talk about things, I think…make sure we don't assume we know what's going on with each other. And practice."

He arched an eyebrow at me, and I was so fucking relieved to see that teasing gleam start to reappear in his eyes. "Practice, hmm?" I nodded, and he wrapped his arms around me, kissing just in front of my ear as he murmured, "You're sure you don't want to sleep for awhile? You look so tired."

I shook my head, resting my forehead against his temple. "I have all the time in the world to sleep after you leave." I swallowed against the lump in my throat as his arms tightened around me.

I expected a protest of some sort, some comment about how I needed my rest, but there was none. After a moment of silence, I raised my head, looking at him, and his eyes were dark as he returned my gaze steadily. My expression must have been curious because he took a deep breath and then said, "Whatever you want, love."

"Really?" Even I could hear the surprise in my tone.

He nodded, kissing my forehead and then my lips, murmuring, "Always."

At that one word, I took advantage of his lips against mine, tangling my fingers in the hair at the base of his neck as I pulled him close and kissed him, my lips parting his. He moaned quietly, but I could feel the struggle within him as he tried to decide what it was I wanted. I whispered my plea, and there was no hesitation as he nodded, moving to lie down. His hands were on my waist as he started to help me on top of him once more, but I stayed where I was, shaking my head.

Confusion flickered across his features, and I tried to explain, my voice low. "I want to try this…I want to know how you feel…on me…"

I watched him swallow, his eyes steadily focused on mine, surprising me when he nodded. A smile flirted on my lips, and he moved to the edge of the bed as he gave me room to lie down and get comfortable. He stretched out beside me, his hand resting on my belly where my shirt had ridden up, his fingertips moving back and forth slowly along my flesh. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, biting my bottom lip. He leaned down, his tongue teasing the shell of my ear before he whispered, "Tell me what you want, Bella…I can't stand the thought of doing something wrong with you…"

In answer, I worked my arm beneath him, wrapping my arm around his waist as I rubbed his lower back. "Kiss me," I requested softly.

His lips curved into a smile before they met mine, and I knew that – despite any reservations and worries and whatever the fuck else both of us had – he was letting go, just as I was. Our kisses were slow and soft at first, building in intensity as we turned toward each other. His knee slipped between mine, his hand on my lower back pulling me closer so that our bodies were flush. His chest was warm against my breasts, making me moan quietly.

Our hands begin to roam, exploring each others' bodies as our kisses became feverish. I felt his fingertips massaging my thigh just above my knee before his grip suddenly tightened when I took his earlobe between my teeth and bit down lightly. A muted, "Fuck," tumbled from his lips, making me smile and bite again, just a little harder. He gave a quiet, playful growl and buried his face in my neck, kissing and sucking as I suddenly realized I needed more.

I tugged on his shirt and rolled onto my back, urging him to come with me. He paused for just a second, his entire body growing still before he exhaled once and then moved with me. His eyes sought mine, gauging my reaction as he gradually moved to lie on top of me. For every inch he shifted, he made some calming gesture - the back of his hand brushing my cheek, a gentle kiss placed on my lips, his thumb rubbing my hip.

He hovered above me, his body stretched out uncomfortably as he supported his weight on his hands, which pressed into the mattress on either side of my shoulders, and his knees, which were just between mine. He lowered his upper body to place loving kisses on my lips, and my heart swelled at the care he was taking with me – but that wasn't all I needed. My hands had been hovering near his hips as I let him do this his way, but now I slipped them around his waist, tightening my grip as I lifted my chin to kiss him.

He carefully bent his arms, letting me feel his weight gradually. He was still tense, nervous, licking his lips as his eyes stayed focused on mine. When his hips settled between mine, my legs were forced to spread farther apart, my knees lying flat against the mattress. I shifted my shoulders, trying to lift my head, but my hair was caught underneath.

Edward gave a tentative smile and reached up to gingerly help free my hair, and the cautiousness of his gesture reminded me so much of the way we'd danced around each other in the beginning. I sighed, not wanting to see us go back to that place even while I appreciated the way he always took care of me.

Watching him – seeing that indecisive look in his eyes - I bit my bottom lip as I realized that he seemed…stuck, almost. Unable to push past this point in our physical relationship. He was afraid.

I took a deep breath, the weight of him pressing against my chest and making it difficult to fully fill my lungs. He started to pull away, but I shook my head and smiled at him. "I'm fine," I murmured. "Promise. Are you…?"

I appreciated the way he paused for a moment, studying my face as he thought. When he finally nodded, matching smiles spread on both our faces as I bit my bottom lip, suddenly shy as I rubbed my hands slowly up and down his back. He began to relax under my touch, his body settling more heavily on mine, and the power I had over him - even at that moment, while he was so physically in control – bolstered my confidence…and my resolve.

My right hand slid up his back, coming to rest on the nape of his neck as I urged him closer. "Come here…" I whispered, and he shifted upward so that his lips met mine.

Our kisses at first were timid and light – awkward, even; gone was the passion of moments earlier as we tried to adjust to this change in our physical dynamic. One of Edward's legs had occasionally been thrown across mine as he was stretched out against my side, his arm thrown over my waist, but never had he been _here_ – there was no mistaking where he was lying or the way our bodies were fitted together.

As completely prosaic as it was to be thinking about at a time when I had a fucking _gorgeous_ man lying on top of me in bed kissing me, part of my mind was focused, preparing myself for what I would soon feel. All it would take would be Edward adjusting another inch or two upward, and I knew I would feel his arousal just as I had before. I was determined to be prepared this time, not to be caught off guard by the unexpected sensation.

Because of the way my mind was divided, I had a hard time throwing myself into the experience, and I found my movements were a little stilted and stiff, my hands not moving fluidly as they stayed tangled in his hair just a bit longer than was natural. When I caught myself trying to act more normal, that just made it worse, and soon, even the pattern of my breathing was off.

_Fucking hell, Bella. Get a grip._

I took a breath to steady myself before focusing on just the little things: the masculine scent that was purely Edward beneath the warm mask of sandalwood; the tiny little noise he made whenever we kissed – it was part moan, part whimper, but all Edward as his voice came through; the way his stubble scratched at the edges of my lips.

A smile pulled at my lips, but I was too busy relishing Edward's taste and the way his tongue brushed against mine while his teeth gently grazed it. Finally losing myself in that wonderful place with him, I worked in the new sensations like the weight of his hips on my inner thighs, stretching them just past the point of comfort so that I knew I would be sore in the morning. I welcomed that little bit of discomfort, knowing it would be a more tangible reminder of the time we spent together.

Edward gave a low moan and pressed his toes into the mattress, pushing himself up my body as he deepened our kiss. My heard pounded in my chest when I felt his hardness once more. My mind had shielded itself somewhat, though, and I was ready. Instead of panicking, I turned my attention to the sensation, surprised to realize that it felt…good. _Really_ fucking good.

_Holy shit._

The flighty feeling in my chest didn't seem to have anything to do with fear this time, and I was shocked to hear myself give a needy whimper. Edward's lips left mine, his breathing heavy as he moved to kiss my throat. His lips left a trail from the pulse point below my ear all the way to my collarbone, following the heated line of my vein. One of his arms slipped beneath my upper back as the other reached for the neck of my shirt. His blunt fingernails scratched me lightly as he pulled the fabric down, exposing my skin. He licked at my collarbone, his breathless voice murmuring, "Fuck, you taste so good…"

I shivered at the sound of his words, his voice deep and husky and awakening desire in me in a way I had long forgotten. My legs wrapped around his hips, my ankles crossing as I moaned when his hard-on pressed against that sensitive juncture between my thighs. I squeezed him, my legs tightening around him as my hips lifted from the bed to meet his.

He raised his head, his chest heaving with his laborious breathing. His eyes found mine, the desire I saw in them making me squirm. When my hips shifted, I brushed against him, and he lifted his chin higher, his lips parting as he gave a breathy moan. I watched as his eyes rolled back in his head just before they drifted closed, and his hips moved against mine in response.

My hands tightened on his back, my fingertips digging into him as my breathing stuttered. His eyes opened at once, a flash of panic on his face before he saw the expression on mine. He smiled then, a gentle curve of his still-parted lips as his tongue moistened the bottom one. Hesitantly, he rocked his hips again, so gently that I almost couldn't tell, but the jolt of pleasure the movement sent through me made my eyes flutter closed as I inhaled shakily.

My body was rocked slightly as he adjusted his arms, moving his forearms beneath my shoulder blades as his hands gripped my shoulders. His warm lips were on me then, tender kisses brushing along my jaw and my chin, flitting over my lips and tracing my cheekbones. Finally, he placed a searing kiss on my lips, and I returned it eagerly, feeling an all-consuming desire – a _need_ – for this man.

My breathing sped as he broke our kiss, and I felt torn – wanting both to watch that awed expression in his eyes and pull him back to taste his lips on mine again. His forehead was resting against mine as our panting breaths mingled between us, adding to the heat coursing through my body.

He pulled his head back just slightly, his dark emerald eyes intent on mine as he began thrusting his hips rhythmically. He moved so excruciatingly slowly at first, but when I gave a quiet moan in response as my brow furrowed, he smiled, ducking his head to kiss me once more. He lifted his head, his voice barely audible as he whispered, "Does that feel good?"

I couldn't even speak, biting my bottom lip and nodding my head in response. My eyes closed once more, my head turning to the side as I lifted my hips to meet his. I was sure I had never felt like this before – never felt the way my pulse was pounding between my legs, every brush of his hips sending a heated rush of pleasure that spread through my veins, making my entire body more sensitive.

I felt his lips on my ear, his teeth nibbling on the lobe as he began to move faster, and I turned my face back to his, swallowing as I felt a sudden urge to see him. The lump in my throat and the tears welling in my eyes had nothing to do with sadness – on the contrary, I couldn't remember a time I'd felt more elated.

Never since James had I been in a position like this one – not even close.

And _never_ in my life had I felt so empowered and so vulnerable all at once.

Edward looked into my eyes, and I saw him swallow hard as his hips stilled. He opened his mouth to speak, but I shook my head, kissing him gently as I cleared my throat. "I'm fine," I said quietly, "Perfect, actually…I just…" My hands moved away from his shoulders, drifting down his back to his hips. I lifted my hips slightly, nodding when he carefully moved once more. "I just…I love you so damn much, and I can't find the words I need-" My voice broke off as I swallowed, shaking my head again as I smiled at him apologetically.

He kissed me, his lips lingering against mine as he whispered, "I know, love…I know…I don't have the words for what you mean to me either."

My shoulders shook as I tried to control my breathing, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and holding him close for a moment. I kissed him everywhere I could reach – tasting the salt of his skin as my lips brushed his neck. I smiled when I realized he was doing the same, his fingers caressing my cheek as he kissed my neck. I calmed almost immediately, relaxing in the knowledge that everything was right in my world.

His lips made their way to mine, and we kissed slowly, tenderly, before he lifted his head. We watched each other, our eyes exploring the other's face as our bodies moved in sync. The burning desperation had calmed, replaced by a steady passion as we shared small smiles and soft kisses.

Eventually, our bodies stilled, our kisses growing chaste as we expressed our love for each other. The words were not uttered again that night as we let our gestures speak for themselves.

Edward's eyes were dark, the circles beneath them a deep purple that made me worry as I traced them with my fingertip, realizing that he had to drive over four hours before this night was over. When I suggested an actual nap, he didn't protest, smiling at me sweetly as he kissed my nose. Glancing at the clock, I realized we had just over two hours before he needed to get ready to leave, and I wanted him to get the best sleep possible.

I shyly suggested that he take his jeans off so he would be more comfortable, and he shook his head, saying he'd be fine. "Don't be silly," I said, biting my bottom lip as I unbuttoned my jeans. His eyes widened when I began lowering the zipper. "I'm going to be comfortable…so you might as well be, too."

He glanced away, not looking at me as he unbuttoned his pants and let them drop to the floor. After setting the alarm on his phone, he crawled into bed beside me and turned off the lamp, and we were a tangle of limbs beneath the covers, already heated from the time we'd spent lying on top of them. We were facing each other, and he wrapped me up in his arms, my cheek pressing against his chest as the evidence of his desire was still brushing against my abdomen. I really felt for him, wishing that we were at a point where I could help him, but his hands gently stroking my hair helped drive those thoughts away, leaving me with only contentment as I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

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_**A/N:**__ As always, there are a few things I'd like to mention:_

_First, I'm embarrassed since it's been so long, but the __**Perv Pack's Smut Shack **__did a Roundtable Recommendation of JOotG that left me stunned and smiling like an idiot for days. If you get a chance, check out the link on my profile – they are an amazing bunch of ladies, and they shocked the hell out of me!_

_Second, I want to thank __**Noel**__ and __**Mary**__ for their awesome donations in the __**Support Stacie Author Auction**__! They bid insane amounts of money to have me pen fics for them, and I am still working on the stories. They have some fantastic ideas, and I am thoroughly enjoying working with them :) You ladies are the best! One of the stories for Noel has already been published as a chapter in __**"More of the Guys"**__ – it's an Emmett-Rosalie chapter in Emmett's POV. I would love to hear what you think of it – and leave some love for Noel for her generous donation! I'm also collaborating with __**maganbagan **__on Noel's second story, which is a true one-shot. Keep me on author alert if you'd like to receive notification when it posts! Two stories are still coming for Mary. One is a delicious one-shot that features the JOotG characters a few years into the future. That one will be published as a stand-alone because I'm not revealing yet whether it will be canon or not ;) The other is a glimpse into Bella and Embry's relationship – and it will go into __**"More of the Guys" **__because it is most definitely canon._

_In addition to the auction fics and the Guys, I'm also collaborating on two fics. With __**AHelm**__, I'm writing a very different sort of story called __**"Exposure"**__ that is part of a series of four interrelated stories we publish under our joint penname __**ThePhoenixRiddle**__. __**Naelany**__ and I are busy working on __**"Marked,"**__ which began as a one-shot for the __**Tattward and Inkella Contest**__, and we publish under our joint name __**Whitlock-Masen**__. I am ridiculously excited to be working with both of them – they are incredibly talented and just fucking awesome._

_I know this is an epic author note, but I also want to say that I adore each of you who read and review JOotG. Your kind words and constructive criticism make my day, and I wish I had an infinite number of hours in the day so I could respond to each and every one of you like I want to. Please know that I read and love each review I receive._

_Oh, and the version of "The Long and Winding Road" that Edward plays is available on my profile. I'm kind of obsessed._


	28. Unkindly Kind

_**A/N:**__ I cannot thank you enough for your patience and understanding during the long delay for this chapter. I've been told that I can't apologize *eyes naelany*, so I'm going to try to stick to that and just tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and the thoughtful PMs. _

_Special thanks to __**AHizelm**__, __**EchoesOfTwilight**__, __**IngenueFic**__, __**kimberlycullen10**__, __**naelany**__, and __**theladyingrey42**__ for being my prereaders and holding my hand through this chapter. Without you ladies, it might never have been completed, and I adore each of you!_

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**BPOV**

When I heard the annoying sound of Edward's alarm, I wanted to cry. There was no moment of confusion, no wondering where I was or what that sound was. I knew instantly that I was lying in bed with his arms around me and that sound meant only one thing…he was leaving.

He reached behind me, slapping at the nightstand until he found his phone. I heard him muttering something under his breath – all I caught was the word "fucking" – and then his arm lifted as the noise mercifully ended. Instead of getting up, he pulled me closer, his lips finding my forehead as he sighed. My arms squeezed around his waist as I lifted my face, kissing him softly. He returned my kiss, our lips moving gently at first before he moaned.

My lips parted, my tongue meeting his as our kiss deepened. He broke away for a moment to murmur, "Good god, Bella…" before his lips crashed to mine again, his kiss desperate. Our bodies were pressed closely together, and I realized with a start that I could feel Edward's hard length against my abdomen. My instinct was to jerk away, but I kept my hips still, my only reaction a soft gasp.

He started to turn away from me, but I ran my hand between his shoulder blades, coming to rest on the back of his head as I pulled him closer. "What-?" he started to ask, but I cut him off, silencing him with my kiss. He froze for just a second before his hand moved to my thigh, his fingers tightening as he gave in. He kneaded my thigh as we kissed, and I felt a strange hesitation in his touch until he suddenly hooked his hand behind my knee and pulled it toward him. My knee came to rest on his hip, and he was suddenly right _there_.

I shuddered, though whether it was in fear or desire, I'll never be sure. I think it was a bit of both, but when he tried to apologize and move away again, I shook my head. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak, and I didn't want to try to explain what I was feeling, anyway. I just wanted to feel it.

He exhaled lightly, and I felt his tension in the way his muscles were straining as he held perfectly still. His hand clutched my calf, and after a few moments, his thumb began rubbing gently, soothingly, along my knee. I relaxed minutely, feeling his hardness against that most sensitive part of my body. He twitched. I gasped.

He again tried to pull away, murmuring apologies and encouragement, and my frustration flared. I laced my fingers through his hair, my other hand on the small of his back while I forced our bodies as close together as I could. His lips were motionless against mine, his resistance passive but unmistakable.

"Kiss me," I whispered. I pressed my lips to his again, but there was still no response. "Damn it, Edward…please." My lips parted as I tried to encourage him. "_Please?_" In desperation, I traced his lower lip with my tongue.

With a groan, his lips parted, his mouth hungry against mine as his hands gripped my hips. I expected him to push me away, but he pulled me closer, giving a soft whimper when he brushed against me. He broke our kiss, his warm lips ghosting over my throat as he murmured breathlessly, "God damn, Bella…is this what you want?"

He didn't wait for an answer, holding me close as he made his way down my neck. He pulled at the oversized neck of my jersey, kissing along my collarbone before he returned his lips to mine. I felt light-headed, nearly drunk, and there was a fluttering in my chest that I tried to shove away. I gasped as I tried to focus on something, working to ground myself in something real.

At the sound, Edward slowed. His lips still journeyed along my neck, over my cheeks, across the bridge of my nose…but the urgency was gone. He was mastering himself, regaining control, and I let it happen. My kisses became lighter as I shifted my body away inch by inch. His grip on me lessened, his hands soothing as he caressed my face. The jittery feeling began to subside, leaving me feeling tired and drained…and somehow relieved that this latest ordeal was ending.

With a few more chaste kisses, Edward brushed back my hair, and I opened my eyes to find him smiling at me gently. I could just see him in the dim room, so I couldn't make out the light of pride in his eyes, but I knew it was there. It radiated from him, making me want to smile and scream at once.

_Fucking ridiculous that my boyfriend has to be _proud_ that I can kiss him._

I worked to ignore the berating voice in the back of my mind, but it was hard – since I fully agreed. If Edward noticed, he didn't let on. He glanced at the alarm clock, sighing softly as he turned back to me and pulled me close. "I have to go…" he murmured quietly.

Trying to push away my disappointment – and that infuriating relief – I rolled over and sat up on the bed. I reached down, picking up my jeans before standing. As I pulled them on quickly, I was intensely aware that I was standing in a Seahawks jersey and my underwear. My blush heated my cheeks, but when I turned around at last, Edward was sitting up in bed, studying the quilt.

I cleared my throat, saying, "I'll, umm…be right back…" Without waiting for an answer, I escaped to the bathroom, leaning against the counter as I fought the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I wasn't even entirely sure what I was upset about – that Edward was leaving, obviously, but there was more. I turned on the water, looking at my eyes in my reflection as I waited for it to heat. I breathed evenly, peeling away layer after layer of emotion until, finally, it was there.

Frustration.

More than loneliness or sadness or any of those things I expected to feel when faced with Edward leaving me for the first time, I felt frustrated. I wanted so badly to _show_ him what he meant to me, to be able to express my love for him physically, and I thwarted myself at every turn. Beyond that, though, my eyes widened as I realized that _I_ was physically frustrated as well.

Shaking my head to chase away those thoughts, I focused instead on getting through the next half hour as I washed my hands. I would have plenty of time soon to try to figure out what all of this meant for me. After drying my hands, I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath, forcing a smile and looking at myself in the mirror until it reached my eyes.

I opened the door again, my smile softening when I saw Edward fully dressed and my bed made. I walked to him, slipping my arms around his waist as I murmured, "You didn't have to do that, you know…I'm just going to go back to sleep after you leave."

I bit my bottom lip, swallowing as I felt his lips press against the top of my head. His arms wrapped around my waist, and we stood in silence for a long moment. My thoughts wandered back to our beginning, when I was afraid to even touch him, and my spirits brightened when I fully realized how far I'd come in such a short time. There was hope for me yet.

I felt his hand rubbing my back gently before he kissed the crown of my head again and whispered, "I know. I just…wanted you to be comfortable."

I smiled, tightening my arms around him before I lifted my head to look up at him. "Thanks," I said simply. I was filled with longing…desire…and that damn sense of frustration again when I saw the look in his eyes.

_Well, there may be nothing we can do about me right now, but…_

"You can use my shower, if you want, before you go." The words were out of my mouth before I really considered them, and I would have been mortified to admit what I was thinking – after all, he'd told me what he did in the shower sometimes – but I wanted him to be comfortable on his trip, and I knew I damn sure wouldn't have been right then.

He froze for a moment and then nodded. "Thanks…" Neither of us mentioned it, but I could tell from the faint blush on his cheeks that he knew what I was offering. We stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

When he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, I finally broke the uncomfortable silence. "I think I'll go make some coffee and find Jasper…"

I couldn't meet his eyes, but when I started to turn away, he gently cupped my chin, turning my face toward his. He studied me carefully for a moment and then smiled, leaning down to brush his lips against mine. "I'll be right out," he promised.

I nodded, and it seemed to take an unusual amount of resolve to walk from the room. I wanted to stay. I wanted to…help him…

Sighing, I shook my head, pushing away the impossible thoughts for the time being. Instead, I glanced into Jasper's room, finding it empty, and walked down the hallway to the kitchen. I started a pot of coffee and then went in search of Jasper and Alice. Since they weren't in his room, I grabbed my coat from the rack by the front door, slipped on my shoes, and then stepped outside, grumbling at the cold breeze that met me.

They were there, but instead of just Jasper and Alice, I found Emmett and Rosalie helping them as well. Alice had packed enough for a month-long trip if it had been me, and she'd brought everything into the house, even though they'd stayed for such a short time. I went down the front steps and helped them finish loading everything.

By the time Jasper slammed the trunk lid, there was just enough room inside for Edward's bag. Everyone went back into the house, and I followed them to the kitchen, where Jasper began pouring coffee for everyone. I brought out the cream and sugar, and I tried to join in the conversations around me, but I just felt…flat. Wrong, somehow.

My mood didn't improve any when Edward walked into the kitchen freshly showered with his bag in his hand. He said, "Show me where your luggage is, Ali, so I can put it in the car." Emmett told him it was already done, and Edward frowned, saying that he was going to load the car.

Jasper snickered, grinning as he said, "It was a great excuse to bug Em and Rose."

He shrugged as everyone laughed, Rosalie glaring at her twin though a smile quirked her lips. The smile on my face felt fake, and I stayed quiet as the rest of them joked. All of it just drove home that Edward really was leaving, and I fixed him a cup of coffee in silence just to have something to do. He murmured his thanks, taking a sip before he set it to the side and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind as he leaned against the counter.

My fingertips traced his hands as I let their voices wash over me. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, all things considered, even Edward the few times I heard his voice. I didn't register what he – or anyone else, to be honest – was saying until he straightened, and I stepped to the side. I watched as Emmett patted him on the back, saying, "Have a safe trip, fucker. Tell Carlisle and Esme I said hi."

Edward laughed. "I will. You know Mom's going to invite you to Christmas again."

With a grin, Emmett answered, "You know I would, too, but I'm going home for Christmas this year."

I watched woodenly as Emmett and Edward finished saying goodbye before Rosalie stepped over to hug Edward. That brought a hint of a smile to my lips, and then Alice was suddenly there, her arms around my waist as she kissed my cheek. Jasper and Edward exchanged a guy hug as Jasper said, "Have a great trip, man. Be careful on the drive."

I felt a fluttering of panic as I realized that this was it – they were leaving _now_. Before I could even seek him out, Edward's arms were around me. I clung to him tightly, my face buried in his chest. A distant corner of my mind tried to tell me to grow up – it was "only" three days, after all – but I couldn't hear it over the sound of my heartbeat.

His hands rubbed my back soothingly, silence around us until I finally lifted my head. I hadn't heard everyone else leaving, but we were alone in the kitchen, and Edward gave me a tiny smile as he whispered gruffly, "There are no words for how much I'll miss you."

I swallowed, my mind racing, but in the end, I was only able to nod and answer quietly, "I know…no words."

That beautiful crooked grin was on his face then, and he murmured, "Three days," nodding as if convincing himself. We shared a sweet kiss and then parted.

He slipped his pinkie into mine as we walked to the front door side-by-side. When we stepped out onto the porch, Emmett was standing with his massive arms wrapped around Rosalie, shielding her from the cold. Jasper was out by Edward's Volvo, talking to Alice, who was sitting inside with the car running. He glanced over at the sound of the door and leaned in, kissing her once more before they said their goodbyes, and he closed the door.

Edward took my hand, squeezing it once as he kissed my forehead. "Stay here…it's too damn cold out…" he said softly. I looked up at him, his eyes reflecting all those things I felt that neither of us had words for.

He hugged me briefly, a ghost of a kiss lighting on my lips, and then he was gone. I watched his back as he made his way to the car, and I really felt the cold for the first time. I sensed Jasper standing close to me and slipped my arm around his waist just as his settled on my shoulders. He held me close, and I rested my head against his shoulder.

We watched together, waving as we saw Edward and Alice wave in the glow of the dash lights. The silver car turned around and drove away, leaving me feeling hollow. I heard Rosalie's quiet voice, and then the door closed.

I squeezed my eyes shut, surprised when I felt something drip onto my cheek. I hadn't realized I was crying. Jasper rubbed my upper arm gently before turning me around to face him and pulling me into his embrace.

"Shh…" he whispered. "I know, Bells…I know. It'll be alright…" He kept up his quiet encouragement as my tears slowed and then dried.

His voice sounded wrong somehow, just a little off, and I realized that his love had just driven away, too. He was doing what he'd done for so many years now, putting me first, making sure I was okay, and I was filled with love and admiration – and a little bit of fucking _awe_ - for him. That one moment showed me what I'd known, but never really fully understood.

Jasper was fucking unbelievable.

My face was hidden in his chest, and I squeezed him tightly, smiling when I heard his _–oof-_. When I raised my head, he was smiling down at me. "Feeling better?" he asked.

I nodded. "You?"

He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "I'll make it."

We both sighed at the same time, and Jasper chuckled. "Let's get inside, B. It's fucking freezing out here."

He tickled my ribs as I stepped back, and then he ducked away as I swatted at him. He walked a couple of steps in front of me, and when we reached our rooms at the end of the hall, he stopped and looked at me.

"Want me to tuck you in?"

The smile on my lips was genuine as I looked up at my best friend. I took a moment to really consider his offer…there was always something wholly comforting about Jasper being there when I crawled into bed, feeling him kiss my forehead and hearing him make some stupid comment before he turned out my light and closed my door. My instinct was to say yes, of course. That was just normal, just what we'd always done.

But I didn't want my normal anymore.

"I think I'll be okay." My voice was quiet, but I'd said it – and the beaming, proud smile on Jasper's face was enough to make me blush. I rolled my eyes at him, muttering under my breath, but I couldn't stop the smile on my face either.

"Alright, silly girl. Well, you know where I am if you need me." He nodded to his door just across from mine.

"I do…and you know where _I_ am, too, right?"

His smile softened as he said, "That I do. Good night, Bells." With that, he hugged me briefly and kissed my forehead before we each turned to our doors.

As soon as I walked into my room, I almost turned around and walked out.

_One more night wouldn't hurt…right? _

I bit my bottom lip to stop from calling out for Jasper. I felt it immediately – the difference, the absence. A void seemed to empty me, one that came with the knowledge that Edward wasn't there – not in my bed, not in this house…not even in this town.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out with a sigh, straightening my back as I walked to the bed. My shoulders slumped when I got there, but I crawled beneath the covers, the scent of Edward both making me ache and soothing the hurt I felt. His fragrance was strong in the room, and when my head settled on the pillow, I heard something crinkle.

The unexpected sound startled me, and I shot upright in bed, reaching toward the lamp. As quickly as my fright had come, it dissipated, and I was left with only curiosity as I clicked on the light. I searched in my pillowcase, pulling out a small package that brought with it the distinctive fragrance of sandalwood. A small giggle escaped me when I saw that it was wrapped in notebook paper, and I sat there for a moment just looking at it as I wondered what was inside.

_Idiot_.

I rolled my eyes at myself and started to turn it over to open it. As soon as I moved my hand, though, a bar of soap slid out into my lap. I raised it to my face, inhaling _Edward_ as tears filled my eyes again and a silly smile settled on my lips. Lowering it, I caught sight of the label and laughed out loud when I saw the name.

_Stud Bubbles? _

I giggled, tracing the letters with my fingertip before I inhaled once more and then put the soap on my nightstand. I opened the paper slowly, hoping like hell that he'd left me some sort of message along with his unusual – and perfect – gift.

Once I had carefully unfolded the paper, I smoothed it across my knee, staring down at Edward's handwriting for the first time. It was amazingly neat – much more so than mine, which I found ironic since he was studying to be a doctor. After spending a minute or more doing nothing but looking at the note in my lap, I finally began to read the words with my heart in my throat.

_Dear Bella – _

_I'm no good at this sort of thing…using just words to explain how I feel. I'd much rather be there to __show__ you, but since that's impossible right now, I wanted to at least try to let you know what you mean to me._

_I'm sitting in the guest room I'm sharing with Emmett, waiting for him to get out of the shower, and you just left here a few minutes ago. I've started this note at least half a dozen times, and nothing seems right. Every time I try to say what I feel, someone else has already said it better, so I finally decided to let one of them speak for me. I hope you understand why. _

_Please remember that I love you and know that you are constantly on my mind, in every thought I have._

_Always,_

_Edward _

I sighed quietly, rereading his words as I moved my pillow to lean against the headboard and settled back against it. I could nearly hear the smooth tones of his voice saying the words to me, and I closed my eyes, imagining him there beside me.

It was a dangerous game I was playing, though, and before I could let myself get too carried away, I opened my eyes to see what else he had written. The tears that threatened earlier spilled onto my cheeks as soon as I saw the first lines, written in Edward's elegant scrawl but ingrained in my mind for years.

_Sweetest love, I do not go,__  
For weariness of thee,  
__Nor in hope the world can show  
A fitter love for me _

I don't know how many times I read through the poem, poring over the words as if I couldn't recite them from memory. By the time I finished, I had Edward's short note memorized as well, and my phone was in my hand.

I debated calling him, but I didn't trust my voice, and I knew Alice would be there beside him as well. In the end, I decided to go for something simple. He would understand. My fingers flew over the keys, sending the only text I could just then.

_**I love you.**_

I didn't expect an answer right away; I knew he was driving and still had a few hours ahead of him on the road. But that didn't stop me from staring at my phone wistfully after I'd folded the note and tucked it under the bar of soap. As the silent moments marched on, I stretched out on the bed, lying on my side with my arm under my pillow.

I tried to go to sleep, but my eyes kept popping open to look at the blank screen on my phone. Eventually, I did feel drowsy, the excitement and lack of sleep catching up with me, and I was just dozing off when I heard the tell-tale beep of a text.

My hand darted out, grabbing the phone before my eyes were even fully open. I smiled down at the name "Edward" on the screen and then hit the button to read his message.

_**You are the best of me.**_

I blinked and read it again, my breathing shallow as I recognized the paraphrase. My eyes still on the phone, I reached over and carefully slid the note toward me, unfolding it once more. I finally glanced away from the small screen then, my eyes searching out the fourth stanza of the poem.

_When thou sigh'st, thou sigh'st not wind,  
But sigh'st my soul away ;  
When thou weep'st, unkindly kind,  
My life's blood doth decay.  
It cannot be  
That thou lovest me as thou say'st,  
If in thine my life thou waste,  
That art the best of me._

My mind was overloaded, the possible implications of his text too much for my sleep-deprived brain, but I was left with a strong sense of just…being loved. And it was the most beautiful feeling in my world.

With a soft, content sigh, I returned the note to its place on the nightstand, but I couldn't bring myself to clear the text. With my phone still in hand, I fell asleep with my arm curled toward my chest, Edward's message resting near my heart.

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**JPOV **

I tapped the steering wheel irritably as I sped toward La Push. The sun was still rising, just hovering over the horizon, but I hadn't been able to sleep.

Besides, I knew Jake would be awake.

On the drive up, I'd been the voice of reason, telling Edward and Emmett we couldn't just go kick the shit out of him. And I'd meant it…at the time. But the more I watched Bella with Edward, the more I saw how hard she was trying…and the happiness in her eyes that had been missing for _years_…

I clenched my jaw, my teeth grinding as my nostrils flared. I shook my head.

_That fucker better _not_ mess this up for her. _

I'd known for years that Jake was into Bella – all of us had. We would've had to have been blind not to. But for him to have witnessed firsthand everything she went through and how far she'd come and _still_ put his own selfish desires above hers just sickened me.

When Alice had left earlier this morning, I'd been left with way too much time alone to think. I'd tried to fall asleep but just couldn't…it felt wrong without her there, and I was antsy, worried about the haunted look I'd seen in Bella's eyes just before she'd turned to go to her room. It stung a little that she didn't need me anymore the way she had for so long, but I was so fucking proud of her. All of her progress had to look minimal to anyone on the outside, but for me, as someone who'd been there from the beginning, it was earth-shattering.

When she'd told me she didn't need me to tuck her in, I'd seen the reluctance in her eyes. She knew all she had to do was say the word, and I'd be there. But she didn't – and that alone told me she really was moving on.

I still felt hollow sometimes when I wondered what I was supposed to do with myself once Bella didn't need me so much anymore, but all it took was one look from Alice, and I knew where I belonged.

So I'd found myself sitting in bed fully clothed, tossing a baseball into the air and catching it over and over and over. At first, I hadn't been sure what was wrong, but as my toe had begun to tap and my jaw to clench and relax, I'd eventually realized that my thoughts were circling around someone unexpected: Jacob Michael Black.

I didn't think he understood how fragile Bella was, even now. Yes, she was stronger than she had been, and God knows she'd come further than I ever thought she would. But the wrong words from us – the people she loved and respected, the ones who'd been her world for so long now – could shake her confidence and…break her.

_I'll be goddamned if I let that happen. _

My foot pressed harder on the accelerator, willing my dad's old truck to go just a little faster. I would've taken Rosalie's car, but I knew she'd be dragging Emmett out for some Black Friday shopping. I snorted.

_Better him than me._

My humor was as short-lived as my smile, and I sighed, glowering the rest of the way to La Push. When I pulled up at the small house Jake still shared with his father, I found him sitting on the steps of the front porch, leaning against the post with his legs sprawled in front of him. His head turned at the sound of the truck, and he raised a hand half-heartedly before running his fingers through his hair and standing.

He looked…"morose" was the only word that came to mind.

I frowned as I cut the engine, climbing out of the truck. I wasn't expecting a sad Jake, and to be honest, it pissed me off a little bit more. I was expecting him to be the same asshole he'd been to Bella – not the guy who'd been one of my closest friends for years.

"Fucking figures," I muttered under my breath, pocketing my keys.

I climbed the stairs and rested one shoulder against the post of the railing, crossing my arms in front of my chest as I looked at Jake levelly. He watched me for a moment and then scrubbed both his hands across his face. With his face still covered, he mumbled, "She fucking hates me, doesn't she?"

I raised an eyebrow but didn't answer. When he finally lowered his hands to look at me, I could hear the drawl in my voice as I said pointedly, "I don't know. She's always been more forgivin' than me."

He heard the implication in both my words and tone, and he hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans and spread his feet. His demeanor was cocky, and his face held equal measures of defiance and confidence. "That right?"

I nodded once.

He waited – I guess for some sort of response – but when I gave nothing further, he seemed to deflate. His shoulders slumped as his hands dropped to loose fists by his side. He turned away, going to stand at the edge of the porch and look out at the trees surrounding his house. His hands gripped the railing, his thumbs flicking at the peeling white paint as he swallowed. "_Do_ you hate me?"

I rolled my eyes, frustrated with the way he was responding. "No, I don't hate you. But what the _fuck_ were you thinking, jackass?"

His head whipped around toward me, his eyes flashing. "Don't fucking call me that."

_That's right…get pissed._

I was dimly aware that I was goading him, picking a fight, and that was alright with me. He'd been a goddamn prick, and it was time someone called him on it. "You yell at my best friend like that, and I'll call you whatever the hell I want."

I took a step toward him, and his eyes narrowed as he turned his body to face me. He took a deep breath, visibly calming himself, and when he answered, his voice was so quiet that I could barely hear him. "I didn't mean to. I really didn't. But then the things she was saying…I just got…" He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "…so fucking pissed off. She's so _naïve_!" He started ranting, muttering to himself under his breath, and I reached out, putting a hand on his chest to stop him before he started pacing.

"What are you talking about?"

"All of it. This perfect guy, this _Edward_." He rolled his eyes again. "It's all a crock of shit. She thinks he's some goddamn saint, all patient and caring and whatever-the-fuck-else. It's bullshit, J, and you know it."

My first instinct was to jump to Edward's defense, and the impulse gave me pause. I exhaled, puffing out my cheeks as I realized that Jake was exactly where I'd been just a few short weeks ago. Looking from the outside in, it really did seem too good to be true. I'd taken a leap of faith based on what I'd seen, but I knew Bella like no one else did. I saw her every day, and I'd watched as that little worry line that was always – _always_ – just above her eyebrows gradually disappeared. I'd heard her singing around the apartment, giggling and being silly. And I'd seen the way Edward watched her like she was his whole goddamn world.

Jake's little speech hit me hard, though, because he struck on the one thing I was still secretly worried about. It was deep down, hidden even from me most of the time, but I knew it was there.

_What if I'm wrong?_

I took a shallow breath, shoving the thought away. My frustration with Jake was compounded by my own fears and disappointment in myself, making my voice harsher than I'd intended. "It's not fucking bullshit. You haven't seen how good he is to her, and you won't because you're so goddamn blinded by your own jealousy. Because that's all this is, Jake. You're pissed off that she didn't pick you, and you're pitching a fit like a toddler who lost his favorite toy."

"Don't you dare-" he started, taking a step toward me before abruptly turning away. He put his hands on the railing again and seemed to be trying to break it in two, squeezing and twisting so that paint chips dropped to the ground. He took a moment to gather himself, his hands relaxing, and his jaw worked before he finally said, "I love her, J."

"Do you?" The words whipped out of me before I'd even consciously thought of them. "Do you even _know_ her, Jake?"

"I know her," he whispered, still looking away from me.

"Do you?" I pushed, asking the same question again. "Do you _really_ know her? Jake…" I trailed off briefly, trying to decide how much to say. I knew I had the words to make Jake back off – or at least see that there was a lot more to Bella's past than he knew about – but that wasn't my story to tell. "Look, man, I can't tell you everything I know…but what I can tell you is that the Bella you see? That's not Bella. I mean, it is, of course, but she…she acts. Even with you guys. Hell, even with me sometimes. It's like she's on a stage, putting on whatever performance she thinks we want to see. You know how she is. She thinks it's her job to watch out for people, take care of them. She won't let you see how hurt she really is."

I realized there were countless ways he could take my words, but I couldn't think of a single one of those interpretations that wouldn't be accurate, so I quieted, letting my words hang in the air. My hands tightened into fists as I thought about the way Bella let her mother apologize endlessly because she thought it helped Renee, no matter what it was doing to Bella herself. There had been so many times that I'd fought the irrational urge to shake her when I could tell she was putting on a brave face for me.

But that had been changing recently. Some of her walls were crumbling, and as much as I hated to fucking admit it, the only difference was…Edward. It rankled like a motherfucker that he'd been able to heal her so much in a month when I'd spent years trying to help her get over what that asshole had done to her, but at the heart of it all, I felt gratitude. As much as I'd wanted to be the one to fix her, it was actually sort of a relief to have some help. I would've had to have been blind – or the most arrogant douchebag on the planet – to not recognize the changes in her since Edward came into our lives.

The courage she'd shown last night when she went to bed on her own…that wasn't the same thing as the false bravery I'd come to expect from her in situations like that. She was stronger, more confident, and anyone who could bring about that kind of change in her had earned my respect.

At once, I realized that silence still hung heavy in the air, and I lifted my eyes to find Jake. He was staring at the trees surrounding his house, his face expressionless. I watched him until he finally nodded, turning to look at me.

"That's alright. I've got time."

I blinked. Then I stared at him incredulously.

Then I fucking exploded. "You've got _time_? Fucking hell, Jake, haven't you heard a goddamn word I've said? You know how much I love Bella. Do you think I'd just step aside and let some random asshole off the street get close to her? She loves him. He loves her. All you can do is get in the way."

He rolled his eyes, and it took every shred of restraint I had not to punch him in his smug face. "I can't believe you fell for his shit, too. J, he's sleeping in her bed. Already. You think that's all fucking innocent, and he's not trying anything?"

"Completely innocent? No, of course not. I'm not stupid. But the fact is, jackass, that Bella trusts him enough to _let_ him in her bed."

Jake snorted, shaking his head. "Unbelievable," he muttered.

I clenched my jaw once before forcing it to relax as I inhaled. "Jake, you have two choices. Back the fuck off right now…or let me know if I need to kick your ass. I will _not_ let you mess this up for her."

He blinked his eyes rapidly, his mouth opening slightly in obvious disbelief and exasperation. "You've known me since we were kids, Jasper, and you're telling me you're on his side? What the fuck?"

"No. Dickhead. I'm on Bella's side. You know this. As long as he's good to her and he keeps making her smile like that, he _is_ a damn saint in my mind. And if you loved her like you claim to, you'd wake the fuck up and see that she's _happy_ for the first time in seven years. How could you even think about taking that away from her?"

As I spoke, his mouth opened and closed as he started to interrupt several times. By the end, though, he'd snapped it closed and was watching me with a pained look on his face, his eyes tight. He looked away without saying anything. For once, Jake was left speechless, and I let the quiet linger before I lowered my voice and spoke again.

"One more thing, Jake. And you better listen the fuck up."

I waited until he raised his head. His jaw was clenched at my tone, but I didn't care. He deserved worse.

"If I _ever_ hear you suggest that what happened to Bella wasn't real or that she exaggerated or _anything _like that again-" I held up a finger when he opened his mouth to interrupt. "I _will_ kick your ass. And that's a fucking promise."

I actually heard the rumble of a growl from deep within his chest, but it was tempered by the pain and shame I saw in his eyes as my words sunk in. He didn't say anything, and I was torn, almost wishing he'd be an asshole so I could let out some of this pent up frustration by stomping him into the ground. I sighed instead.

"Jake, you've been a great friend to us for a long time. You know we both love you. But I can tell you right now that if you don't get over this shit with Edward, you won't be welcome anymore…and it won't be just Bella that says so."

Long minutes went by where neither of us said anything. Jake seemed to be sizing me up, testing my resolve, but I didn't crack. He was fooling himself if he thought I didn't mean even one of the words I'd said.

He inclined his head, lifting his chin as he muttered, "I see how it's going to be."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Tell you what…I know you're upset right now, so I'm going to give you some space. You know where I am. Give me a call when you decide to stop being an ass and support Bella." Not waiting for him to answer, I stepped forward, clapping him on the back as I gave him a brief hug. I turned and walked away, not looking back until I was in the truck and had started the engine.

Jake was still standing there on the front porch, now leaning against the house with his arms crossed over his chest. I couldn't see his expression clearly, but I doubted I'd made much of an impact at all. Muttering to myself, I sighed as I turned onto the road that would lead me out of La Push.

Contrary to what I'd said, it would hurt like hell for us to cut him out of our lives. Bella, especially, wouldn't understand it. She'd internalize, deciding she'd done something wrong, and it would probably hurt her worse than the harsh words he'd said to her. She didn't seem to understand the implications in them, and I wondered if she'd really even heard all that Emmett said had transpired. When I thought of Jake asking if it had been real…I still wanted to kick his fucking ass.

But I'd bit back my sarcastic comments and kept my fists to myself, and even though I had doubts about how much he'd taken in, I hoped that some of it would germinate inside that thick skull of his and maybe eventually grow into some sort of clue. Of course, if he even _hinted_ again that Bella had made up what happened with James and the aftermath we'd been living with for years, I didn't think I'd be able to control myself.

My thoughts ran in circles all the way back to Forks. Even though I was still frustrated with him, I felt more at ease now that I'd confronted him and said what I needed to say. As I turned onto my parents' road, I yawned, the lack of sleep catching up to me at last. I drove down the winding driveway and parked beneath the tree where my dad always left the truck.

My legs felt leaden as I climbed the front steps back into the house, where I could hear my mother in the kitchen. When I glanced in and waved at her, she smiled, took in my appearance, and clucked her tongue. She walked over, taking the keys from my hand as she hugged me and then stepped back, giving me a stern look.

"I won't ask where you've been, young man, but you look like death warmed over. I have a good mind to send you out to help your father cut wood for the fireplace, but I won't. You have guests, Jasper. You'd best get back into bed so you're up to entertain them later."

"Yes, ma'am," I mumbled, wishing like hell she'd just let me go already. I yawned quietly, my eyes watering as I scratched the back of my head, and her expression softened.

She hugged me again, lowering her voice as she held me close. "Bella is looking so much better…I'm so proud of you, son."

I blinked in confusion, my mind growing fuzzier by the minute. "Why? I didn't do anything. It's Edward."

She stepped back, tilting her head up to look at me. She pinched my side and muttered, "Now that's a damn fool thing to say, and I didn't raise any fools. Jasper, baby, you know I adore Bella. I always have. But without you, there's no telling what would've happened to that poor girl. I know Charlie tried his best, but he didn't have the first idea what to do with her." She trailed off, a soft smile growing on her face. "You're dead on your feet…go to bed, sweetie. You know your mama…"

I hugged her again, resting my chin on the top of her head as I grinned lazily. "Thanks, Mama…I won't sleep too long, I promise."

She muttered something under her breath that I didn't catch – but I was just as glad not to. By the time I started down the hallway, I could already hear the rattle of pots and pans behind me. I pushed my way into my bedroom and the noise mercifully faded away as I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. I was asleep within moments.

I don't know how long I slept, but I woke up when the mattress depressed as someone settled on it. For a split-second, I thought Alice had come back, but then the weight of Bella's arm was around my waist as she cuddled up next to me. I gave a half-smile, my eyes still closed as I muttered, "Morning, silly girl."

"Morning? It's three o'clock, Jazz." She giggled, but it sounded a little flat as she pressed her forehead between my shoulder blades.

I frowned, repressing my sigh. When I tried to roll over to face her, she tightened her arm around me stubbornly, keeping her head firmly against my back so I couldn't move. Instead, I reached over my shoulder, ruffling her hair. "What's the matter, Bells?"

I felt her shrug and then sigh as she released me. "I just…miss him," she whispered.

"Yeah…I know what you mean." I groaned, stretching as I settled on my back, my arm stretched across the pillow. She accepted the silent invitation, resting her cheek on my chest as she moved closer to me. "I miss him, too."

She started to nod and then processed what I said, snorting as she laughed. "You're such a damn dork." She giggled, and I smiled at the sound, closing my eyes again as I rubbed her upper arm.

"Yup. You love me, though."

"Yup."

We lay there silently for a while, and I nearly drifted back off to sleep before she sat up. "Hell, no…come on, Jasper. Get your ass up. Rose and Emmett are going to be back soon."

I was warm and comfortable and still sleepy, so I did the only thing I could. I pouted. "So?"

It didn't work.

"So you're not leaving me alone with them. Besides, we have serious slumber party planning to do. Now get your ass out of bed and go take a shower because you reek."

She wrinkled her nose playfully, and I rolled my eyes, scratching my bare chest. "Sure, sure…" At the casual use of the phrase we'd all picked up from Jake, my eyes snapped open, and I sat up.

Bella looked at me pointedly, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging lightly as I decided to get it over with. She'd find out anyway, and I wasn't awake enough to be evasive. Instead, I went for blunt. "So…I went to talk to Jake."

"You did…what? Why?" The note of honest confusion in her voice made me grit my teeth at how oblivious she could be sometimes.

I took her hand, resting it on the mattress between us as I shifted up to lean against my headboard. "Because, Bells, he was a fucking prick to you. I wasn't going to let him get away with that."

Bella frowned, and when she opened her mouth, I knew it was going to be to defend him, and I really couldn't take that shit. Not given the implications he'd made. This was always the problem with Bella - she thought that _every_ problem was her fault, no matter what it was. Sure, she was pissed at him initially, but now that she'd had a chance to calm down and think things over, she would "see" where she had been wrong.

"Don't." I put my hand across her mouth, and she wrinkled her forehead, biting my palm. "Ouch! Damn it, Bella..."

"Don't what?"

"Don't defend him...don't tell me that it's okay and he 'was just' or whatever the hell else you're going to say. He was out of line, and I called him on it."

She didn't respond, just sitting there frowning at me.

"I wish _you_ would call him on some of his shit sometimes." I felt my frustration growing with the confused look on her face. "Bella, do you seriously think it's okay that he thinks that what happened to you wasn't a big deal?"

At the flash of pain in her eyes, I was instantly contrite. _Fuck... _

I sighed, pulling her close as I kissed her temple. "Sorry," I mumbled, my jaw clenching. My nostrils flared as I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself.

When she inhaled, I braced myself because I knew those words - those defenses - would come anyway.

"Did he really say that?" Her voice was quiet, but there was a subtle menace to it that I had never heard before.

Her face was turned toward the bed, watching her fingers as they played with the tie of her pajama pants. That thick brown hair was a curtain between us, and I reached out, pulling it back so I could see at least the side of her face.

"Say what, Bells?" I kept my voice quiet and calm, trying to be encouraging so I wouldn't betray the surprise I felt.

She looked up then, and the fire in her eyes matched the steel in her voice. "Did he say it wasn't a big deal?"

My eyes widened as I took in the look on her face, the way her jaw was set in a stubborn line while her eyes blazed. Not wanting to answer carelessly, I thought back to what Emmett had said, specifically. "I don't know exactly what was said, Bella. I wasn't there. But from what I understand...he at least implied that...that maybe you made it up. Or exaggerated?"

There was no reason for my words to be a question, but her response had thrown me off-balance, and I was too busy watching her to moderate my tone.

"I see."

_What the fuck does _that_ mean?_

"Bells?"

She had been staring ahead, her jaw working as she thought, and she jumped a little as she glanced over at me. "What?"

"You alright?"

I wasn't ready for the sight of her blinking rapidly, tears filling her eyes as her chin quivered. She tilted her head back, looking up at the ceiling as she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She lowered her face then, burying it against her knees as her hair formed a barrier between us. I saw her shoulders shake, heard those all-too-familiar whimpers and sniffles.

_What the hell?_

The last thing I'd expected my news to do was make her break down this way. I was prepared for her to yell at me. To defend him. To even not care and just go about her business with that numb look on her face. But this...

Without even thinking, I moved to sit beside her, wrapping my arms around her. For once, she didn't lean against me, didn't let me comfort her. She was curled up in a ball, collapsing in on her self, and there was nothing I could do. I sat with my arms around her, rubbing gently as I murmurmed, "Shh...Bella, sweetheart, what is it? Talk to me, Bells..."

I couldn't take it - this not knowing what she was going through. There was nothing I could do, though, but sit there, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head as I whispered softly to her. Eventually she stilled, and she leaned against me for a moment before she pulled away and scrubbed at her cheeks angrily.

"What if he's right?" Her voice was strangled, choked with emotion, and I frowned as her words sank in.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"What if he's right? What if I _am_ making too big a deal out of…out of all of this?" She bit her bottom lip, pulling the sleeves of her long-sleeved t-shirt down over her hands as she wrapped her arms back around her legs. My mind stupidly focused on the shirt for a moment, noticing that it was a new one – a Washington Huskies soccer shirt – before I shook the thought away and returned all my attention to what she was saying. "Jazz, what if I…" She sniffled and hiccoughed before continuing, "What if I could've been okay all this time? Maybe it wasn't really that bad. Maybe I fu-"

"God damn it, Bella! You just stop. Right. There." Her eyes flashed with anger, but I didn't fucking care. I wasn't about to listen to that shit. "Give me a chance to say something?"

Her jaw tightened and she lifted her chin, nodding once.

Of course, now that I had her attention, I really didn't want to say what I needed to say. We'd talked about so much over the years, but one thing I'd always avoided was the aftermath of James' attack. Bella didn't remember most of it – or if she did, she never mentioned it – and I hadn't wanted to talk about it, much less upset her with it.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands before I began speaking. Vaguely, I was aware that I was using Bella's trick, looking ahead so I didn't have to see the reaction to what I was saying, and for the first time, I really understood why she did that.

"When I first got to the hospital…" I barely recognized my own voice, rough and gravelly with anger and regret and reluctance. "Bells, you looked…dead. They warned us before we went in that you looked rough, but I wasn't ready to…to see…" I broke off, swallowing as I remembered her lying there, her face pale and waxen, the dark rings around her eyes standing out in sharp contrast. Her cheekbones seemed sharp enough to cut through her skin, and her lips were gray and chapped with an angry split in the bottom one.

Shaking my head, I tried to shake my memories. "It was bad, Bella. That doesn't even come close to what really…" _God damn, when did I become so tongue-tied?_ "But as bad as you looked, physically, I knew you were going to make it. They told us that you were unresponsive because you were sedated, and I was okay with that. I was angry…" I trailed off, making a small noise of disbelief at the ridiculous understatement. "And lost, and you didn't even open your eyes that first day."

_I sat there at the side of her bed, watching all the blinking lights, my eyes focused on the spiking line that was her heartbeat. Anything to keep from looking at the broken body lying on the bed. Plaster and gauze, IVs and needles, goddamn plastic tubing everywhere, all running to the shell of my best friend who hadn't opened her eyes in the seven hours I'd been sitting here in this plastic chair._

_It was getting late, and I tensed when I heard the footsteps in the hallway. So far, they'd let me stay at her side, but I knew this would be the time they kicked me out. _

_Or tried to. _

"I argued with the nurse…my mom, your mom…your dad…finally, they let me stay overnight, but I had to wait in the waiting room. I passed out at some point, and as soon as people started coming in again, I was back in your room." I felt Bella's hand slip into mine, and a ghost of a smile settled on my lips as I squeezed her hand in return.

It faded as quickly as it had come.

"You finally opened your eyes that morning, but…" I licked my lips, staring down at Bella's hand in mine. "You might as well not have for all the damn difference it made."

I lifted my head at last, glancing at her, but the sight of her brown eyes swimming in unshed tears was too much for me, and I quickly ducked my head again. "Your eyes were dead. Like you weren't even there. When I asked if it was…him…something flickered in them, but you wouldn't even look at me. Even when I got in your face, you managed not to see me."

I stopped for a moment, letting my words hang in the air as I tried to think of how to phrase what I wanted to say next. "Four days. Four fucking days we sat like that. I tried to talk to you. I'm not sure if you listened or not…"

She took a shaky breath and whispered, "I'm sorry, Jazz."

I wanted to growl. She was missing the point. Again.

Instead, I took a deep breath and laced my fingers through hers, schooling my expression before I turned to look at her. I kept my eyes trained on hers even though I wanted to look away, and my voice was steady as I said, "No, Bella. Don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm trying to tell you that Jake is…Dead. Fucking. Wrong. What happened to you was very real and very traumatic, and he can go fuck himself if he doubts that for one second."

Her eyes flickered between mine as she swallowed. I couldn't read her. I'd noticed that more and more lately…the predictable responses were gone, and I wanted to cheer that she'd stopped being so goddamn robotic all the time, even if it made anticipating what she needed harder.

She smiled.

And then she hugged me so tightly she nearly cracked my ribs.

I laughed, wrapping my arms around her again and sliding us both down on the bed. She settled against me, her head on my chest, and she tickled my ribs as she murmured, "Thank you."

I shook my head with a fond, disbelieving smile. "No need for thanks, silly girl. Just telling you what I know."

_And thanking God you didn't freak the fuck out on me._

Her hair was tickling my nose, and I wrinkled it, trying to get it to stop. I brushed her hair back and settled more comfortably on my pillow, hoping like hell that Bella would let me sleep a little longer now. She surprised me, cuddling up close and resting her hand on my chest with a soft sigh. She relaxed in my arms, and we lay that way for a long time. I assumed she hadn't slept very well after Edward left because before long, her breathing was even and light, the regular sound lulling me to sleep as well.

It seemed like only minutes later that my door slammed open and Rosalie's annoying voice said, "Are you two _still_ in bed?"

"Go the fuck away, Rosie," I muttered, my eyes still closed.

"Not a chance, Spazzy Jazzy. Get up. Now. Dinner's in fifteen minutes, and you know what's after dinner." She sang the last, her voice becoming this half-irritating, half-silly sound that made me laugh in spite of myself.

Bella was giggling, too, and she rolled away to sit up on the side of my bed with her feet hanging over the edge. "Fucking Rosalie," she yawned and then stood up. She turned back, tossing a pillow at my head. "No fair, by the way, tricking me into napping with you."

I just smiled at her angelically.

She rolled her eyes and snorted. "Take a shower, stinky," she called over her shoulder as she closed my door.

I sniffed myself and shrugged. _I don't fucking stink._ But I dutifully got up and went to my suitcase, rifling through my clothes and pulling out a clean pair of boxers and t-shirt. I showered quickly, eventually thankful that Rose had given me a fifteen minute warning - it wasn't a good idea to show up late to dinner in the Hale household.

When I finished, I dressed again and pulled on a pair of fresh socks, not bothering with shoes as I went straight to the kitchen. Mama was there, of course, and I kissed her cheek before grabbing dishes to set the table.

With the exception of Emmett, dinner was just like old times. We talked about Dad's work and Mama's garden and how school was going for Bella and me. Rosalie told us all about the house she'd bought in Seattle before she left Portland. It was an older house, two bedrooms, and she fell in love with it immediately. I'd known about it and had helped with some of the paperwork, but it was all news to Bella. When she glanced at me, my eyes flashed her an apology, and I saw her smile tighten before she nodded and the smile reached her eyes again.

Soon, we were clearing the dishes and putting away leftovers. My parents said their good nights to everyone, and as soon as they had gone to their room to watch TV, Rosalie rubbed her hands together. "Alright, annual Hale-Swan sleepover starts in fifteen minutes!"

Bella caught my eye and grinned, and I chuckled, smiling in return. I told Rosalie I was going to change, and when Bella started off down the hall after me, Rose called out, "You better have your asses in the living room in fifteen minutes!"

When I glanced down at Bella again, her eyes issued a challenge, and we took off running at the same time. We stayed side-by-side, Bella doing this weird little skip thing, and I heard her door close just before I shut mine. With a stupid smile still on my face, I let my jeans fall to the floor and pulled on some pajama pants. We were utterly ridiculous on these nights, but I didn't care.

Rosalie had started this sleepover tradition when we were nine, just a year after we met Bella. It hadn't taken long for us all to become one big family. The only year we'd ever skipped was the year Bella had been in Phoenix, and the following Thanksgiving had been the first time – in nearly a goddamn _year_ – that she'd acted like herself.

So I gladly let them do whatever the hell they wanted to do to me. I sang stupid songs and played Truth or Dare and hung out with my girls, nearly _being_ one for one night of the year.

And it was damn well worth it.

I used the restroom and washed my hands, drying them before running my fingers through my hair and trying to get my mind in the right place for the night. When I walked back out of my bedroom, I noticed Bella's door was still shut, and I could hear her muffled voice. I started to knock but then caught Edward's name and lowered my hand, grinning as I headed toward the living room.

When I got there, Rosalie had Emmett sitting on the couch, his feet on the coffee table with those damn little foam things between his toes, and she was painting his toenails some sort of shimmery purple. I plopped down on the loveseat, reaching over for a handful of popcorn from the bowl sitting near Emmett's feet.

"That's a good look for you, Em." I snickered, and he swatted at my hand, sending the popcorn flying as I laughed outright.

"Don't laugh, fucker," he warned. "You're next."

I smirked at him and shrugged. "Always am."

Bella walked in the room then, her eyes a little red around the edges, and to draw attention away from her, I said, "Just be glad she hasn't whipped out the eyeliner."

Rose didn't look up, smirking as she painted Emmett's little toenail. "That's next."

Emmett's expression was goddamn priceless – eyes wide and unblinking, mouth gaping open as he looked to me for help. I shrugged and snickered again, this time pulling the bowl of popcorn in my lap as I settled back to eat it. "It's easier just to go along with it, man. Otherwise, she'll pin you down and torture you with the tweezers."

Bella's giggle drew my gaze, and I was happy to see that she seemed relaxed again. She walked over to the DVDs and picked one out, popping it into the player before she came over to the loveseat with the remote in hand. She bumped me with her hip, saying, "Scoot over."

We sat on the loveseat together, eating popcorn and alternating between making fun of Emmett and watching _Finding Nemo_. We'd seen the damn thing so many times that we said half the lines with the characters, and before long, Rosalie finished with Emmett and moved on to Bella's toes. She'd spared him the makeup so far, but when he reached over to grab some popcorn, I muttered, "I wouldn't get too comfortable…she's giving you a false sense of security."

Rose tried to play innocent, but I caught the wicked gleam in her eyes. She searched through her nail polish and pulled out a soft pink for Bella, imitating Dory speaking whale as she worked. As soon as she finished with Bella's pedicure, she turned to me with a bright smile.

"Jazzy! Let's see…" She clapped her hands once, and she and Bella bent over her case again while I leaned back further in the loveseat and rolled my eyes.

By the time my toenails had been painted a garish lime green, Emmett and I had finished the popcorn and _Finding Nemo_ had ended. Bella hopped up, going to the DVD rack and running her finger along the titles. "_Sin City?" _she asked, earning a whistle of approval from Emmett.

Rosalie apparently had other plans, though, because she said, "Alright, Emmett…time for you to go to bed."

He looked confused, protesting that he wanted to watch the movie, but she silenced him with a look and told him it was family time. He frowned at her, nearly fucking pouting, and she leaned over, whispering something in his ear. From the way his lips spread into a lecherous grin, I was damn sure I didn't want to know what she was saying, and it took everything I had not to punch the smirk off his face when he kissed her good night and stood up, walking down the hall without another word.

Both girls watched Emmett leave, and when we heard his door close, Rosalie hopped up and went straight to the entertainment center, opening the door on the bottom left. I groaned, staring up at the ceiling, and sure enough, I heard the familiar scratch of the needle on a record.

When I raised my head, Bella and Rose were already standing in the middle of the living room with the coffee table pushed to the side, and Bella tossed me a brush that bounced off my chest and landed on the couch cushion. I sighed, standing and picking up the brush as I went to take my place beside them.

The music started, and I had to laugh as I recognized the song. "The motherfucking Bee Gees? Really, Rose?"

"Shut up." She bumped her hip into mine, nearly knocking me over. "And get ready to sing, Mr. Gibb."

Bella was laughing so hard on the other side of Rose that she snorted, and that did it for me. The sound was infectious, and I was chuckling as I sang, "Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man…no time to talk."

Rose busted out her disco moves, and Bella collapsed on the ground, laughing so hard when my sister started doing the John Travolta point thing that she just couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her that way was what always made this worth it, and I hammed it up, too, strutting my way around the living room. When I got back to Bella, she'd calmed down a little, and I leaned down, offering her my hand. She took it and stood, dancing and shaking her shoulders as she sang along.

As the song was winding down, Rosalie was ready, putting on the next immediately. She jumped back in place, belting out, "At first, I was afraid; I was petrified…"

Midway through the song, just as Bella was doing a little impromptu dance during the instrumental section, Emmett's snicker broke through the music. We all froze at once, our heads whipping toward the hallway. He was leaning against the doorframe, a smile on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.

Rose was the first to move, throwing a couch pillow at his head. He ducked it, but the one from Bella hit him right in the face, and he laughed again, holding up his hands in submission. "I was just going to get a beer…" he said with a grin. He started to turn and then stopped, saying, "Oh, Rosie?"

She blushed, which was really goddamn weird to see, and skipped over to him. He whispered something to her, and she bit her bottom lip, leaning in closer to him. My eyes narrowed, especially when he said something else, and she threw back her head, laughing. He winked at her and left, heading toward the kitchen.

She giggled as she crossed the room again, changing out the records. When the music started, I tilted my head, confused as I didn't recognize it. "What is this?"

Rose snickered. "Emmett suggested our next song…he said it was perfect for you." I didn't like the way her eyes – exactly like mine – were twinkling.

I still didn't recognize it when someone started singing, "Body…wanna feel my body? Body…such a thrill my body."

I glanced at Bella, and she shrugged, a confused look on her face as well. Rosalie, however, was turning red, her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter, and I caught why when the next verse started, "Every man wants to be a macho, macho man."

"Very funny," I chuckled, shaking my head as I walked over to the record player. "How about something we know, though?" I lifted the needle and pulled off the record, slipping it back into its sleeve. I pulled out another Village People album, playing "YMCA," and we sang and danced for a while longer before Rosalie mercifully closed the cabinet and started up _Sin City_ on the DVD player.

Bella and I grabbed drinks for all of us – sweet tea, of course – and we all three sat on the couch. I sat in the middle, holding a new bowl of popcorn, while they were on either side, curled up with Afghans over their legs. I never did understand how they could be cold after singing and dancing that way – I was sweating – but whatever worked for them.

We talked throughout the movie, sometimes about what was on the screen, sometimes about random things in our lives. When Rosalie said she was really glad we still did these sleepovers, Bella agreed immediately and said Thanksgiving had always been her favorite holiday because of them. She mused aloud that she was happy that Emmett, Alice, and Edward – she blushed when she said his name – could be here this year.

"Emmett had to switch weekends at work," Rosalie said quietly, her eyes on the screen as she ate her popcorn, but I noticed the faint blush on her cheeks.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

I heard the rustle of paper tearing, and then Bella patted the back of my hand. I turned it over automatically, and she filled my palm with M&Ms as I kept my eyes on Rose's face. She didn't answer at first, just chewing steadily, but she finally said, "Usually he'd be at the Cullens' or in Tennessee with his family, but he was supposed to be on call this Thanksgiving. He switched."

She shrugged, but I saw the smile tugging at the corner of her lips when she continued, "He has to work something stupid like the next four weekends of the guy he traded with, but he said it was worth it."

I stared at her for a minute. "Aww, Rosie, that's so sweeeeet!" It was my most annoying voice, the one I'd developed to irritate her as a toddler and honed during our adolescent years.

She muttered under her breath and then hauled off and hit me across the face with a pillow just as I was popping the M&Ms in my mouth. Chocolate went flying everywhere, and I felt a sharp jab to my ribs as she punched me.

_She was always too good at that misdirection shit. _

Bella joined in on Rosalie's side, tickling my ribs while I kicked and tried to get away. Somehow, I ended up on my back with my wrists pinned over my head on the couch by Bella's knee. She was tickling me mercilessly, and Rose sat down on my legs, holding them in place. Rosalie was pummeling me with pillows, and it took way longer than it should to finally squirm away from them and stand up a couple of feet away, trying to smooth back my hair and regain some of my dignity.

"Do you wa-" Another pillow across the face interrupted me, accompanied by giggles from Rosalie and Bella. "Very funny." I tried – and failed – to keep the grin off my face. "Now if you're done torturing me, you guys want to make some Surprises?"

"Yes!" was Bella's immediate answer, which was just what I expected.

Rosalie, though, yawned and ran her fingers through her hair as she glanced at the grandfather clock. "I better get to bed, actually…"

When we both protested, she grinned wickedly and said, "Sorry, but I've got a date with Emmett tomorrow, and I need to leave him panting."

"Fucking hell, Rosalie," I muttered under my breath. There were some things I really didn't want to know about.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid, Jazz. I said I wanted to _leave_ him panting…you don't have to be worried until I say I'm going to be panting with him."

She winked at me as she stood up, and it was all I could do not to gag. After hugging both of us, she headed down the hall, humming to herself.

When I glanced at Bella, she was smiling, but she had that little worried crease in the middle of her forehead. I repressed my sigh and put my arm around her shoulders, guiding her to the kitchen. She went to the cabinet near the stove and turned on the oven, pulling out a cookie sheet while I walked to the pantry and gathered the peanut butter, marshmallows, and vanilla wafers. We'd been making Surprises – our own special treat sort of like S'mores – since we were kids.

I hopped up on the counter as Bella began spreading peanut butter on the cookies, just making idle conversation while I wondered what was on her mind. We'd get to it, I was sure, but only once we were settled into the living room alone with our snack.

I teased her as she worked, just little comments to make her smile, and she rolled her eyes, smacking my arm while I pretended to flinch away. By the time she was pulling our snack out of the oven, she was humming under her breath.

She put all the cookies on one plate, and I poured two glasses of milk before leading the way back to the living room. We sat on the couch just like we always did at our place, with the plate between us so we could share. I picked up the first Surprise and took a bite, sucking in air and mumbling, "S'hot," when the melted marshmallow burned the roof of my mouth.

_Fucking smooth, Hale. _

Bella snorted and then giggled as I made a mess trying to put down the rest of the cookie without burning myself more. I ended up with melted marshmallow all over my chin and wrapped around my hand. She rolled her eyes and gave a quiet laugh as she pulled out a napkin from somewhere and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I muttered, rubbing at the sticky mess. I wiped my chin with the back of my hand and finally managed to get myself mostly cleaned up. When I looked at Bella again, she was staring at the untouched cookie she was holding.

I sighed. "Alright, Bells…out with it."

She grimaced and wrinkled her nose, stuffing the vanilla wafer in her mouth instead of answering.

"Mature." When she gave me a withering look as she chewed and swallowed, I arched an eyebrow pointedly.

Her lips twitched as she looked at me.

And then she burst out laughing.

"What?" I frowned at her.

"You look real damn tough with marshmallow on your nose." Her eyes were dancing when she leaned over and rubbed my nose. She grumbled and took the napkin from me to clean the rest of it off.

We were both chuckling quietly when she finished, and this time she was the one to sigh as she turned so she could face me. She leaned back against the arm of the couch, cradling her glass of milk and sipping it from time to time. I mimicked her position, taking another cookie as I asked her what was wrong.

She shrugged, and I bit my tongue, giving her the time she needed. "I-I'm…" she trailed off, biting her bottom lip before she exhaled a sigh. "I'm fine," she finished lamely.

"Isabella Marie Swan." My tone immediately told her I was serious. "You think I'm going to buy that line of horse shit?"

She curled her lip and gave me an exasperated look, and then her cheeks turned pink. I began to wonder if I actually wanted to know after all. She cleared her throat and looked down at her hands in her lap.

_What the hell is this shit?_

"Bella, sweetheart…talk to me. What's going on, silly girl?"

"It's…" She ran her fingers through her hair and then played with the ends nervously. "It's embarrassing."

She spoke so quietly I could barely hear the last word, and I felt a strange tightness in my chest as I wondered what the hell could be embarrassing for her. I reached out, picking up another of our cookies as I gave her time to collect her thoughts. She looked like she needed a chance to think of how to phrase something, rather than like she wasn't going to answer, so I bided my time.

Almost patiently, even.

Just when I was about to prod again, she whispered, "I'm…frustrated…"

I felt the wry smile on my lips. "Yeah, I can sort of tell." Her head snapped up, her brown eyes wide as she looked at me with shock. My smile faded as I said, "Bells? What's wrong?"

She relaxed minutely, her shoulder slumping. She glanced away, keeping her eyes far from mine as she said, "No, I mean…I'm _frustrated_…"

It took me a moment to figure out what the special emphasis meant. I didn't really get it until she whispered, "And so's Edward."

I quite literally wanted to bang my head on the fucking coffee table.

_This isn't happening._

I took a deep breath, my cheeks puffing out as I exhaled.

_You just _had_ to know… _

I took a sip of my milk and absentmindedly licked my lips as I put the glass back on the table. Bella reached over and picked it up, moving it to my coaster. Settling back into the corner of the couch, I left the rest of our snack untouched on the plate, suddenly not hungry at all.

_What the hell do I say to that? _

Yeah, I had nothing. No idea how to begin or what to say…so I took another breath and ran my fingers through my hair and just started with the first thing that came to mind. "Okay…so you're…frustrated." She nodded. "That's…that's good, Bells."

She glanced over at me, and her cocked eyebrow told me she thought I was crazy.

"Well, not _good_. That's not what I meant. But it's…normal…to feel that way." I saw her slight flinch at the word _normal_, but there was no way to take it back – and I wasn't sure I would, anyway. As hard as all of this was – for both of us – it was time we began to acknowledge the things in her life that weren't quite right.

When she shifted back into her corner and pulled her thighs to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as she rested her chin on her knees, I resisted the urge to pull her hands away. I hated the way she closed in on herself because so many times, it meant she was closing me out. But I kept my hands to myself and waited, wondering what she would say, how she would take this.

"I…I know," she said in a small voice, her eyes focused on the floral pattern of the cushion between us. Silence hung heavy in the room for a moment, and then she lifted her face and gave me a small grin, her cheeks flaming red. "But I _hate_ it. Why does it have to be so…so…_frustrating_?"

I couldn't help it; I chuckled. "That's just the way it goes, silly girl. But there are…ahh…ways to help?"

I shut off the protective part of my brain that wanted to growl at the image of Bella with Edward and tried to concentrate on what she needed. Still, I wasn't about to give her anatomy lessons if I could help it.

_Whatever. You know you fucking would. _

I sighed, groaning as I realized that annoying little voice was right.

"I know that, Jasper." As she huffed and brushed her hair out of her face in exasperation, I was reminded of the way she'd always been as a little girl, so sure, so superior, and I grinned. Her eyes narrowed dangerously, making me try to school my expression, but then her shoulders slumped as she exhaled, and she really did look like a little girl, lost and alone. "I mean…" She bit her bottom lip. "I'm not stupid. I-I remember…" She broke off, closing her eyes and swallowing before she forced herself to continue, "I remember what it's like. But it's been a really long time now, and I didn't exactly have a lot to go on, you know? So I…"

This time, she trailed off and didn't say anything else. I nodded slowly, watching my fingers as they picked at a worn spot in my pajama pants. "You don't know what to do?"

"Yeah."

The hush in the house seemed oppressive as we sat there, neither of us saying a word until we both cleared our throats at the same time. My chuckle matched her giggle, and when our eyes met, she smiled at me.

"Well, umm…" I began in a quiet voice. "You remember when…ahh…when we…?"

I really didn't want to finish my sentence, and I knew I wouldn't have to. She nodded immediately, her neck flushing with her embarrassment.

"That's a good place to start." She tilted her head, looking at me questioningly, and I sighed, shaking my head. _Fucking Bella._ "Your hand. Remember?"

"Oh." She blushed again, nodding as she gave a small giggle.

I didn't even want to know what she was thinking. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, her eyes widening as she glanced away. "So umm…"

"So…yeah…when he comes back, that's a…good…place to start. I mean, if you've been ahh…well…you know…"

She nodded, not meeting my eye as she gazed across the room. I found myself suddenly curious – and worried. Not worried because of what they had or hadn't done…worried because I had no _clue_ what they'd done, and I didn't like the distance between us that not knowing indicated.

Just as I was about to suck it up and ask her, I saw her spine stiffen, and she straightened. She lifted her chin the way she always did when she was trying to be brave and said, "We…have…" Her voice deflated near the end, softening to barely a whisper, but she kept going. "Nothing…major…but…god, Jazz…" She sighed, flopping against the couch with her head on the back and a dreamy look on her face. "He's amazing."

I couldn't help my amused smile – it was either that or give into the urge to protect and defend that I always felt with her. It was definitely strange to listen to Bella talk this way, but I also felt a foreign hope rising in my chest, a hope that she might have the same kind of future, the same kind of love, that I had with Alice.

"He's been so patient…like, ridiculously patient. Sometimes I want to scream that _I'm_ not that patient, but it's almost like he knows what I need better than I do. He's kind of like you that way, actually." She kicked out, nudging my foot with hers, and I caught her toes and tickled her. She squirmed and giggled, yanking her foot away.

"That's really good to hear, Bells. Are you…okay…with everything so far?"

She wrinkled her nose in thought and then nodded. "I have my…moments…you know? But it's alright. I'm okay." She sighed. "I worry sometimes that he's going to give up…because it doesn't always work for me. It's like we're in…I don't know…seventh grade or something. Every little thing is a victory, you know?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded, letting her get it all out now that she was talking. She went on for a few minutes more, skirting around what, exactly, they'd done, though I got a pretty complete picture when I filled in the blanks.

And I had to admit…if what she was telling me was true, Edward really did have the patience of a saint. My grudging respect for him was growing and becoming not quite so grudging anymore.

Thankfully, the discussion about Bella's sex life eventually turned to other things, and we both stretched out again, growing more comfortable. I propped my feet on the coffee table as we polished off the last of our Surprises, and Bella cleaned up our mess and took our empty dishes into the kitchen. I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and knew it wouldn't be too much longer before I'd be heading to bed – I prayed that Bella didn't really intend for us to sleep on the floor like we had so often when we were kids. It was all well and good when there was the lure of staying up late, but now that we were older, my warm, comfy bed was much more appealing.

When she came back in the room, she handed me a bottle of water and plopped down right beside me on the couch, resting her head on my shoulder. She curled up with her feet beside her, and I knew it wouldn't be long for her either.

There was still something I wanted to ask her, though – something I'd been curious about for days but hadn't had the chance to bring it up. "Hey…" I brushed her hair away from her forehead, where it was tickling my cheek. She made a noncommittal hum, and I smiled as I felt her relaxing. "What did Jane say to Alice that pissed her off so bad?"

Bella sat up immediately, her eyes wide. "That…bitch!" She began muttering under her breath as she turned to face me. "Okay, so…you guys were playing basketball, and Jane was being Jane." She rolled her eyes and her nostrils flared. "And she acted like she was all innocent or whatever, and then she asked Alice if…" Her voice faded away suddenly, and I didn't understand the faint flush on her cheeks. When I raised a questioning eyebrow, she swallowed and finally finished, "She asked Alice if you still liked it when…when she licked your scar all the way down."

"Oh." I had nothing else, only one lame syllable as my own cheeks heated. _Goddamn Jane._ I was never going to live down the few times I'd fooled around with her – never. And it had to be even more hurtful to Alice because I _did_ like it when she did that…but it wasn't the same as the slutty shit Jane had done. I liked it with Alice because she paid special attention to me, making my flaws into things she loved. How the hell could I explain that?

"I guess you do then." Bella's voice was half-embarrassed, half-amused, and when I glanced at her, she wouldn't meet my eye.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "I can't believe she said that shit in front of you and Rosalie, too." Saying it in front of Alice, I could – unfortunately – believe. Jane had always had a vindictive streak.

"Yeah, well, umm…" Bella shifted uncomfortably. "Anytime I see your scar, all I can think about is the way you nearly gutted yourself on that dock." I knew she was changing the subject on purpose, and I was grateful, so I just went with it.

"Hey, now! That wasn't my fault!"

"Oh hell, yes, it was!" She turned to face me, her knee pressing against my thigh as she scooted back just a little so she could see me. "_You_ were the one chasing _me_!"

"Yeah, because you called me a turd-face and said I liked Leah!"

She looked at me indignantly for a moment before her shoulders shook once, and then she dissolved into giggles. It was an argument we'd had so many times over the years that I wondered sometimes if I even really remembered what happened clearly. All I knew was that one minute, I was chasing Bella along the old wooden pier, and the next, my feet slid out from under me, and I fell over the side. A broken piece of wood caught me as I was falling, ripping my skin from my pelvic bone up to my belly button, and I was sure I was dying when I hit the water and saw the cloud of blood bloom in front of my face.

Instead, I just passed out. I found out later that Charlie pulled me from the water, and I came to in the emergency room. When I glanced at Charlie, he was soaked from head to toe, police jacket included - it was the first time I'd ever seen him shaken like that. He was deathly pale and his hands were shaking, and as soon as I opened my eyes and stupidly muttered, "Mom?" he said, "Oh, thank God…" and sat down hard on a plastic chair.

I was brought out of my musing when Bella's fingers tangled with mine, and she squeezed my hand. "You don't know how thankful I've always been that Charlie was there…" Her eyes were focused on the patterns the fingers of her other hand were tracing on the back of mine. "I can't…if he hadn't…" She gave her little grunt of frustration and turned to look at me then. "I love you, Jazz. Thank you for…everything."

I felt the force of her words deep in my chest, and the enormity of everything we'd been through hit me hard. I didn't want to turn what was supposed to be a fun sleepover into something deep and probably wholly depressing, so I just pulled my hand from hers and slipped my arm around her shoulder as I squeezed her to my side. I kissed the top of her head and murmured, "I love you, too, Bella…and you're always welcome. Thank you for being you."

She gave a small snort and shook her head, but I just tickled her to lighten the mood. She squirmed away and punched my ribs – lightly, thankfully…she wasn't as vicious as Rose. I smiled and hugged her once more before yawning and patting her arm. "Come on, silly girl. I think it's bedtime."

I stood up and reached down to grab her hand, pulling her to her feet as well. Her eyes looked darker, haunted, and I wondered how much sleep she was getting with Edward gone. I was so tempted to just tell her to stay in my room or that we could sleep in the living room after all, but she'd been trying so hard. I didn't want to sabotage her, especially if she was feeling weak, so I led her to our rooms and left the decision to her. I saw the way she squared her shoulders, lifting her chin just a little, and I couldn't help but smile.

_That's my brave girl._

"G'night, Bells." I hugged her, and she squeezed me tightly, kissing my cheek before she pulled away.

"Night, Jazz." With a small smile for me, she turned and walked into her room, and I waited until I heard the click of her bathroom light before I went into my own bedroom to crawl into bed and call Alice.

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_**A/N:**__ Thank you so much for sticking with me, and I hope this chapter was worth the wait - and that the next won't be nearly so long in the making! I wish I could explain why this one was hard for me, but it's hard for even me to understand, so I'll just say that it was and thank you again for waiting._

_I'm in the process of setting up a blog for JOotG because there are some questionable elements in it so far, and there will definitely be some umm...MA content coming up as Bella and Edward get a little closer, starting in the next chapter even. Please check my profile for information as it goes up. I am planning to post an edited version here, but all the chapters will be available in full and uncensored on the blog and on twilighted.  
_


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